BigOlBeartic's Journal

[Guest]

Detox  Day one 

 Sleep day one 

 Yesterday I thought about how the anxiety I had in my house affected me. For example I thought about how I always went to Starbucks to study bc I couldn't study in the house.  Well so yesterday I tried out this little experiment. I slept in my car instead of my bed. It seems a little extreme but it worked great for me. Didn't sleep for 9 hrs :p slept for about 7.5 and woke up feeling rested. Woke up at 5:30 :3 

Edited March 26, 2018 by Guest

[Guest]

@info-gatherer thanks so much info! I just saw your comment! I come back to your journal a lot because I find a lot of inspiration there.  Reading your journal is one of the things that encourages me every time I read it. Thanks a lot for the continual support. I will give this third time around all the efforts I can muster up and then some. 

[Guest]

Detox Day 2

sleep Day 2

today was a good day. Specifically, the work I did over spring break- I presented it to my programming club and the project managers were pretty pleased with it :) which made me feel great, as all the hard work and frustration I posted about over break paid off! As a whole, our game is coming together very well. Most of the members are pulling their weight and more. 

Also got further in the app. Attended a public speaking event by college students. Learned about red black data trees in Java which was interesting. Discussed counterarguments in public speaking. I also installed apps and took measures to block the websites I relapsed on. I never thought browser gaming would cause a relapse .. which is naive in hindsight.. but now I know better. also installed software called RescueTime to track time I spend on which websites. ^_^ 

Edited March 27, 2018 by Guest

[Guest]

Detox day 3

things going well, I have a new theory about the sleep btw.. like yesterday I got up at 5:30 after 7 hr of sleep.. today I woke up early- 5 ish but went BACK to sleep. I remember feeling rested enough though. If anybody has tips I would love to hear em! What I plan to do is before I go to sleep each day, visualize waking up and GETTING up on time and command myself to do so.

Edited March 27, 2018 by Guest

[Guest]

Studied all night, this week is crazY.. really want a 4.0 gpa this sem! At least a 3.5. Studying at night has been a nice experience :).

Edited March 28, 2018 by Guest

[Guest]

Detox Day 7

Been struggling with anxiety lately which I'm trying to beat........ going to study tonight.

Edited April 1, 2018 by Guest

[Guest]

Detox Day 9
For the anxiety: Gonna spend 5 minutes in the morning doing the most difficult task I have. This morning I did some proofs homework.

This weekend I reopened my deviantart. Well, started posting again lol. Hope to make that a new thing.

And worked on a spongebob game xD For one of my classes, we have to program something. I'm doing the most of the coding for a game with spongebob capturing jellyfish lol its hella cute

 

Edit from later in the morning: 5 mins did the trick!

Edited April 2, 2018 by Guest

[Cam Adair]

Was on deviantart way back like almost 15 years ago! 

[Guest]

4 hours ago, Cam Adair said:

Was on deviantart way back like almost 15 years ago! 

Ooh!! What kind of stuff did you make?

[Cam Adair]

11 hours ago, BigOlBeartic said:

Ooh!! What kind of stuff did you make?

Just lots of photography and digital art stuff.

[Guest]

That's awesome :) I used to do oil painting back in the day but for the most part I am best with pencil sketches :)

Edited April 3, 2018 by Guest

[JanG]

If you make some, put em up here, would love to see them

[Guest]

 

Thursday Day 13
Doing really well! I've been up late studying a lot this week. Feeling a lot better. The 5 min trick worked well for me, also what helped me a LOT is drinking a little caffeine during hte day. I find that I wake up feeling refreshed cuz I don't sleep as much which is what I wanted :P. so YE! Hmm im trying to think of anything new to say. Oh, I've been making some new bonds with my study groups as we often stay up trying to figure out projects and concepts for our classes, eysterday we were in the library from 3 PM till 1 AM. (we were stuck on some random issue) :p

I'm at a study room right now waiting on my study partner rn for tonight as well. And oh, our dog is doing well, he got neutered recently, and I think has made almost a ful recovery. I taught him to sit, stay, and come with dog treats :) Pretty proud of myself for that. It was like a 3 week process. I don't think its completely solidified but it has a 95% success rate if I were to estimate ;P

On 4/3/2018 at 2:35 AM, JanG said:

If you make some, put em up here, would love to see them

 

Aw thank you :) my deviantart: https://incai.deviantart.com/ the most recent 2 I uploaded recently. The rest are from years back. I don't plan on uploading again anytime soon though. Gonna post once per 2-3 months.

[Guest]

Friday day 14

Working hard, doing well. sending out positive energy to all

[Guest]

Sunday day 16!

Morning 5 mins: java

A test is on the horizon tomorrow and 2 on tuesday, managed to put in 10 study hours yesterday :) pretty happy with myself, because Saturdays are usually the hardest for me. I plan to study most of today as well.

 

[Guest]

Monday Day 17

mornung 5 mins: proofs 

studying paid off :) managed to get between 9-10 study hours in yesterday. Expecting a low a or high b on today's test. In hindsight, it was a great experience for me to study so much this weekend. Once I started I drowned out everything else and just focused on the material. Gonna take a little break from studying now to do some game coding for the club.

talked to my friend after the test and we discussed the problems. He had a little trouble, he blanked out during some the problems :/ we ended up calculating even if he made a 50 on this test, if he made a 90 on the final he could end on a C which would make his credit qualify for Pre req. 

also Sunday and today I was thinking about how lucky I was to get a second chance' and parents who are helping to support me through college after reading some stories on Reddit about college students and what some of them go through. Feeling grateful, and reflecting upon this I realized how important it is to plan for the future and what you want. 

Got my week2 report from rescue time and got 62H productivity 12.5H entertainment: youtube, anime sites. etc., which is about 80% productivity on my laptop. Up from 50% last week which is just dismal lol. Looking back on last week, it was probably Saturday during which I crashed and all those entertainment hours came in and weighed down my score.

was supposed to have 2 tests tomorrow but one of them got moved to Thursday. I'll be crunching tonight anyway to do well on the one tmrw ^_^ 

Edited April 9, 2018 by Guest

[info-gatherer]

It’s become hard to comment on this journal, everything is always too perfect!

Good job, you’re really reclaiming your life ;)

[Guest]

Just got home logged 2h break time , 1h hanging out w family 1h looking for an anime to watch.

I notice i don't even really watch anime these days my time just gets spent looking for one.. whats up with that? Since its off my 2nd relapse probably the fact that just when my brain gets a little close to 'rewiring' or building new habits i've relapsed so far so thsoe good habits havent completely formed yet?

I plan to study now (11:45 PM) -> ... hopefully 6 am, maybe thats too optimistic. my test tomorrow is at 11 AM (digital logic circuits bleh)

@info-gatherer thanks info :) haha but this is off my 2nd relapse xD sometimes i still end up in those terrible places in my head, but... I am confident to not relapse again. btw any tips? You've been getting so mmuch farther than me and I would love some pointers!

Edited April 10, 2018 by Guest

[Guest]

AAHHH i just drew :) bringing this hobby back feels like i've regained a part of myself, I can't even describe how good it makes me feel. (drew during a study break)

[Guest]

Tuesday Day 18

Morning 5 min: logic circuits

just got done studying for my test and ate breakfast. I'm gonna take a short nap on my desk(so i can wake up in time for my test)

also, realized that I haven't done my taxes Dx due this sunday i think so ye I have to add that to this weeks to do list

Edit: just got home about 50 minutes ago. Instead of taking a break on YouTube or tv imma sleep..had irregular sleep this weekend and yesterday cuz I was studying during the nights . When I get up I'll try to draw a teeny bit and start on my next assignments/stuff to do. 

Edited April 10, 2018 by Guest

[info-gatherer]

17 hours ago, BigOlBeartic said:

sometimes i still end up in those terrible places in my head, but... I am confident to not relapse again. btw any tips? You've been getting so mmuch farther than me and I would love some pointers!

Tips? Me? Come on. I’m not trying to boost your self-esteem or confidence when I say that you’re doing fine. I really mean it. You “just” relapsed, but didn’t totally lose control. This means that you’ll finish your detox a bit later, it’ll take longer. It’s not the end of the world. It doesn’t negate all the progress you did. Because you did a lot of progress. Remember when we were two total newbies on this forum? Our first posts, trying to adapt to the new challenge and so on? We both got very far away from our past selves. Not just me.

The only “tip” that I can think of is this: reading your posts you seem a bit stressed. Is that so? You’re focusing a lot on your studies and professional life, and also on creativity (btw I like your drawings) but are you paying attention to the other areas of your life? Family, friends, love?

Also, it looks like that your favourite way of relaxing is watching anime, but you don’t do that as often as before. I think it’s a very good signal because there are much healthier way to relax. I have the same problem with movies.

[Guest]

Good question, with family, things are good! With Love/friends: My anxiety kicks in whenever I spend time with someone if its not on an assignment or some sort of school project/class/clubs/volunteering. While i've had hookups here and there, I guess because of this I havent been in a relationship.

A part of me does want a relationship , but I realize I'm not fully comfortable with myself which I suppose factors in to triggering the anxieties I have. Especially being gay and my family being disapproving of it, I guess that's made me feel  a little ashamed. Haha, I don't even like saying the word 'gay' because whenever I hear it it seems to be used to bully someone. For now, I'm settled into giving it a shot once I move out and am away from my family.

[Natelovesboardgames]

1 hour ago, BigOlBeartic said:

Good question, with family, things are good! With Love/friends: My anxiety kicks in whenever I spend time with someone if its not on an assignment or some sort of school project/class/clubs/volunteering. While i've had hookups here and there, I guess because of this I havent been in a relationship.

A part of me does want a relationship , but I realize I'm not fully comfortable with myself which I suppose factors in to triggering the anxieties I have. Especially being gay and my family being disapproving of it, I guess that's made me feel  a little ashamed. Haha, I don't even like saying the word 'gay' because whenever I hear it it seems to be used to bully someone. For now, I'm settled into giving it a shot once I move out and am away from my family.

 

I've encountered so many gay men over the years who struggle a lot with anxiety just like you and I have. The majority have not done any of the work needed to overcome traumatic experiences from early childhood. The fact that you are working on yourself and making a huge effort to improve your life is going to pay off in many ways a lot of which will not be evident until much later.

[info-gatherer]

Social anxiety is a tough one indeed. I can relate. But at the same time, I find that this detox helped me a ton in the way of overcoming it. Not being absorbed by videogames all the time is a big plus in everyone’s social life, for both friends and relationships :)

Edited April 11, 2018 by info-gatherer

[Guest]

Thank you guys :)

Wednesday day 19,

morning 5 minutes: nothing, got up and went to class immediately 

some notable stuff today: ironically gave someone advice about a crush they had, finished code for fireball and razor leaf abilities for club, gotta work on sandstorm and ice breath now. I think I did well on yesterday's test(Idk if i mentioned that already) today I had a bit higher self esteem which threw me off a little in that I think was more relaxed with my schedule .. which is weird to say.. but true. Got invited to an academic ceremony for having higher than 3.25 gpa . Which I feel isn't that amazing but I'll take it! XD

also something notable that's affecting me is after I got home today I ate, I chilled with my family and dog for 2 hours. I guess at least it wasn't on the internet. I want to get that down to 1H cuz I have my own hobbies and things I wanna do that I get carried away and forget about. But, I'm not gonna get too stressed about that now like I was during my previous detox attempts. Just gonna be happy with the fact it wasn't spent on a screen, baby steps. 

gonna study now!