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DaBest's Journey For Self-Discipline


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On 2/10/2021 at 3:45 AM, Ikar said:

I recall having headaches during the first week after quitting games. Way back when, I also remember having headaches from being too much on the computer, but that was really a long time ago.

I think the post you made and the one I made yesterday have a common theme of escapism and how do we deal with it. I think there has to be some during the day, but that there's a large space and tolerance everybody has between "I am overworked and have no time to have fun." and "All I do is mess around and do nothing."

For example, I can go and be social every evening and I usually do that (and I like to do that), but I only really start missing it and start feeling lonely after if I do not do it for a week.

I think a part of this "tolerance" could be that I don't think I am very good at seeing the shades of different emotions I might experience. It might be the price for stability that I'm usually very happy to twin myself with and to radiate to others.

Makes a lot of sense. On one end of the spectrum, there's "all work and no play makes Jack a dull boy" and on the other end is Peter Pan (there's your Peterson reference, lol). That's great that you have that in place, since being social is generally the healthiest of escapes, provided you aren't binge drinking or anything like that. I've been incredibly isolated for the past year and lost friendships, and even more so the past few months, though I'm managing it much better overall. That makes a lot of negative emotions sting a lot worse, which is also a cue for me to do all my bad habits. My hope is as long as I keep meditating, journaling, working out, getting good at my job, and being as social as I can be, that eventually the desire to go back to my bad habits will go down. 

On 2/10/2021 at 10:04 AM, TheNewMe2.0 said:

Yeah I'll keep trying with the nofap. Failing so much at it has kind of sapped my motivation a bit. I do seem to be getting a bit better at refraining though like oyou with the internet usage. Good luck finding a better escape. I think there can be healthy escapes if they're not gaming or like unhealthy....

Failing sucks, I know. Have you at least been masturbating less when you're trying not to? If so, you're still winning. Just keep iterating until you figure out a way that gets it under control for you. 

---

Getting back on the good path. Had a productive two days at work (from home). Sleep has been a little screwy. I still need to work some big hours tomorrow, and I have a happy hour to go to (WHICH I AM SO EXCITED FOR!) Internet usage has been A+ since the re-up on the contract. Urges are still there and can be quite intense, but overall headaches are down which is good. 

I was up pretty late/early the other day reading a book on confidence and mindfulness meditation and the such. I've had it for a while now and thanks to not being on the internet so much, and a good friend's challenge to me, I've been making steady progress. One of the exercises in that I've found to be quite helpful to try and detach from thoughts that I'll get stuck on and start to loop until I go insane. Basically, it involves imaging a stream with leaves falling on it, and on each leaf is a thought that pops into one's head. The leaf floats down the stream and out of sight. And the process repeats. I find I can get out of the neurotic and negative thought patterns much quicker.

I also had a political conversation (won't be repeated here) with some people at work today. I was genuinely curious as to the other people's position which was opposite my own, as I like to challenge my own beliefs. Afterwards, I felt a) like these people viewed me as a leper, and b) was genuinely shocked that they were viewing my stance as "unempathetic," which considering I've lived such a broken childhood, I'm really attuned to the suffering of others since I knew my own all too well (and still do at times). This REALLY depressed me and took up a lot of mental space today. It also made me sad that society has gotten to the point where we really cannot have honest debate without attacking people directly, amongst some other more specific things. My mind went into negative overdrive and started thinking about all my failures and broken friendships. Thankfully, a trip to the gym plus the exercise I mentioned before helped clear up my mind. I still feel genuine sadness over the disconnection (and yes I know I'm being vague about what was said). However, I'm grateful for the conversation because a) I'm speaking my mind more, which historically I haven't unless I felt super safe, b) I took a risk, which I normally don't do, and c) it gave me some ideas on how I could handled it better. I really do crave connection of any kind right now, so the rejection of my ideas (and myself really) was hard, but I think I've bounced back. I'm just going to keep learning how to best connect with others despite the circumstances. 

Rant over.

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@Ikar , it's very true that most people I encounter, including those at work, are more fearful concerning what discussed. And you're 100% right that they'll go live in their echo chambers. I had hardl

Lotsa updates. About a week and a half ago, I handed in my two weeks notice. I AM FREE!!!!!!! I'm really excited about the new gig, and can't wait to start a new journey. Just to trigger @Bo

@Erik2.0, I'm with you on that. Three hours of Skyping? Geez. Even if it's a loved one, it's hard to call for that long. At least you can still help these kids out despite this mess. You're doing good

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2 hours ago, DaBest said:

Makes a lot of sense. On one end of the spectrum, there's "all work and no play makes Jack a dull boy" and on the other end is Peter Pan (there's your Peterson reference, lol). That's great that you have that in place, since being social is generally the healthiest of escapes, provided you aren't binge drinking or anything like that. I've been incredibly isolated for the past year and lost friendships, and even more so the past few months, though I'm managing it much better overall. That makes a lot of negative emotions sting a lot worse, which is also a cue for me to do all my bad habits. My hope is as long as I keep meditating, journaling, working out, getting good at my job, and being as social as I can be, that eventually the desire to go back to my bad habits will go down. 

Yes, I am very happy and grateful that I have this option. I still sometimes think that my relationships with other men are not what they should be (I don't think I have a deep guy friendship at the dorms), but seeing what other people are going through the last year, that's an excellent problem to have. I think the bad habits just grow a lot easier if one is too isolated.

2 hours ago, DaBest said:

I also had a political conversation (won't be repeated here) with some people at work today. I was genuinely curious as to the other people's position which was opposite my own, as I like to challenge my own beliefs. Afterwards, I felt a) like these people viewed me as a leper, and b) was genuinely shocked that they were viewing my stance as "unempathetic," which considering I've lived such a broken childhood, I'm really attuned to the suffering of others since I knew my own all too well (and still do at times). This REALLY depressed me and took up a lot of mental space today. It also made me sad that society has gotten to the point where we really cannot have honest debate without attacking people directly, amongst some other more specific things. My mind went into negative overdrive and started thinking about all my failures and broken friendships. Thankfully, a trip to the gym plus the exercise I mentioned before helped clear up my mind. I still feel genuine sadness over the disconnection (and yes I know I'm being vague about what was said). However, I'm grateful for the conversation because a) I'm speaking my mind more, which historically I haven't unless I felt super safe, b) I took a risk, which I normally don't do, and c) it gave me some ideas on how I could handled it better. I really do crave connection of any kind right now, so the rejection of my ideas (and myself really) was hard, but I think I've bounced back. I'm just going to keep learning how to best connect with others despite the circumstances. 

I think it's a good idea to peek out to see if we're not in an echo chamber every once in a while. What I've been practicing recently is to ask about something, listen and then decide in my own mind whether I agree or disagree with the person (and even whether I want to interact with them in the future).

I had a short talk with one of my friends about this yesterday. Most people you'll ever hang out with are "{insert activity here} buddies" you meet usually only for a single highly specific reason. Maybe you go to the pub every Saturday or see them every other day at work, but that's that. You don't meet afterwards.

I think it's only worth discussing political issues with people you already have built some respect and trust with. Every other "acquaintance" person who happens to disagree with you will go talk to the other 20 people in the office with whom they might agree with. If my gut is correct, my guess is that your work colleagues are more fearful than you are. Take it for what it is and don't worry about it.

Regardless of what people say, it's better to know what they do. To give you back the Peterson reference/paraphrase: "What you believe is ultimately what you act out, not what you say."

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@Ikar , it's very true that most people I encounter, including those at work, are more fearful concerning what discussed. And you're 100% right that they'll go live in their echo chambers. I had hardly even stated my opinion before I got blasted, told that there was no way I could ever convince them (not that I was trying to, honestly), and was told to never discuss politics again on the chat (also odd, given that they were consistently using political humor in our group chat). I'm still glad I said something though, since honestly, they were bringing it up often enough and that A) I was genuinely curious, and B) I stopped being scared. The second one is more important to me. I waver daily (hourly?) on feeling weak and strong, but I know long-term I am getting stronger. 

---

Honestly, was a bit of a lazy ass today. Just entertained myself and went to the gym. Not proud of this. Going to meditate, clean up, and go to bed. Start tomorrow fresh. 

I had a bunch of negative thoughts while I was at the gym today--well, really all day which is why I spent so much time distracting myself. I had to confront it though while I was at the gym, because it's not good to feel like a failure when there's a heavy barbell a few feet over your windpipe. I noticed that, despite how today went overall, I'm getting better at this. I'm getting better at catching the irrational thoughts and either dissolving them or acting despite them. The meditation is a big help. I also got away from focused meditating the past few days so I am going to re-establish that tonight.

 

 

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Hey maybe you could also try doing a CBT exercise for your irrational thoughts. I meditate and do that to help with mine and of course exercise is a big help too. I'm glad what you're doing is working. Good for you. When I'm feeling bad I'll go for a walk. I'll even do it just inside the house because we have a bit of space to walk in here.

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@TheNewMe2.0, all good suggestions. I don't know any CBT exercises though. I don't think I've done anything like that with my therapist. 

---

Kinda slowly losing my mind. Honestly, just overwhelmed and cooped up. 

Meditated, worked-out, groceries, and cooking. Laundry ongoing. I need to do more on my weekends. I need to push through this. 

Internet usage lower overall today. 

 Grateful for mom. 

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Kinda tired. Was up late yesterday doing laundry. I'll keep this brief.

Doing better. Had a good day at work. Had an actual productive heart-to-heart with my dad. Don't really feel like writing about it much right now but it feels like some of the weight has been lifted off my shoulders.

Accidentally broke my internet rules tonight. Overall, this past week went much better than last, though I still want it badly. Being present is hard still.

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Well if you want to try a CBT thing here's one. here's an example just do the same thing as if it were blank:

Concern: I won't ever be able to stop masturbating

Evidence for: I relapse pretty consistently no long streaks lately

Evidence against: I did have a 6 month streak one time

New thought (balanced rational): It's really difficult but maybe it's possible I'll nofap successfully someday

Being present is difficult. Keep meditating. How much do you do a day?

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@TheNewMe2.0, oh, that's interesting. I'll give that a shot. I've been doing something similar to that at work (cause I'm the only one in the office, lol), where I take a piece of paper, write whatever my thoughts are that are irrational and causing whatever anguish or anxiety is there, and then directly refute all of the BS on the opposite side of the page. It calms me down a lot. I like this though too since it forces you to explore both "poles" so to speak, and find where the truth lies in the middle. It's less prone to irrational positivity too.

---

Was kind of dumb on Tuesday. Got a task from a PM that was going to take a TON of time, and I basically just skipped out of work and hit the internet for 10 hours straight, staying up super late. Kind of dumb--nah, dumb af. 

I think three things factored into this: 1) wasn't meditating as much recently, 2) I think there was some pent up anxiety and demand from the lack of internet prior, 3) was feeling generally overwhelmed and hopeless. I actually did really well for the six days prior. Six steps forward, one back. So going forward, I'll meditate some more, and just attack whatever it is regardless of how I feel. I'd rather just work as best I can and fail, then just fail by not doing anything. Also, even if I had worked the final hours of my work day, I would be that much better off than my current situation, and with more sleep, performing better. The one recurring thought I have is "If I had just worked, I'd have been 4 hours closer to finishing."

Wednesday and Thursday went much better, though I am VERY sleep deprived right now after hanging out with my friend last night. I'm very proud of working through today, and I might work some more later, though I do have to balance it with sleep. Maybe I just get up early tomorrow. 

I struggle with this but eventually I'll get it right. 

 

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Totally. In CBT they say the goal isn't positive thinking is rational or realistic thinking. The truth is maybe it'll happen and maybe it won't and accepting that can give you a good source of inner peace. How come you go to work if you can work from home>? It's good to hear you're meditating so consistently. I like to do it too. I've been doing a little more lately even. Sleep is good don't forget that now.

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20 hours ago, DaBest said:

I'd rather just work as best I can and fail, then just fail by not doing anything.

Yes! 🙌  It's like they say, just try something, even if you are bad at it! We all aren't good at something the first time we try it, but we'll feel better knowing that we've done it than if we don't do it at all. When we don't do something we lose many opportunities  for meeting new people, and experiences! This is the same as you work, at least you know you did it and tried your best than just pushing it aside!

21 hours ago, DaBest said:

though I am VERY sleep deprived right now after hanging out with my friend last night

I hope you're able to better your sleep schedule, I am working on this too!

 

Best 

Jason

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@TheNewMe2.0, good to hear you're working on your mental health too. Why do I go to work? Because solitary confinement makes me want to die. Straight up, the 1.5 months I spent without going anywhere besides the dumpster and grabbing mail when everyone locked down last year was the most brutal thing I ever endured. I live solo without a family. Never again will I submit to such a thing. 

@Jason70, 100% agree, though I'm not consistent with putting that into practice. I did get my sleep on track today thankfully.

---

Alright, updates.

Didn't get a chance to catch up on sleep til today. Because of my boneheaded decision on Tuesday and the fact I was working extra hours, left little time for sleep. I actually have to work tomorrow because there is some really time-sensitive critical work I need to complete which will go to the client. I'll just take that time off of Friday, or maybe I'll work the extra time throughout the week and bank some OT. 

Got back to meditating today as well. Got to the gym and had a really good workout. I've been reading more recently too.

I've decided to sign up for rock climbing. Another very social hobby, and reminds me of the vibe I had when I was doing jiu jitsu. It will also be more time out of the house, which is good. The point of this is to just get back to being social while most of the real fun stuff is closed. Golf and the gym is great, but it's seldom I run across the same people. I want to go to a place where I have a better chance of seeing the same people. 

While I was researching this today, I took the blockers off my internet so I could do some research on YouTube, but I got instantly distracted and started doing dumb stuff like watching some esports, because honestly I was bored. I'll put the blockers back on, and laptop will be off for the rest of the night. The internet is not my purpose. I'll also re-up a written contract I wrote myself, which worked well enough. Not too mad though since I did do something productive with it during that time.

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I've been up for 38 hours now. Two short of a record. Lol.

I'm actually pretty reasonably awake. But I'm going to bed now. I had a bunch of time sensitive work I had to do which A) I couldn't start til Sunday afternoon, B) and I procrastinated when it came time to do it. I basically fit two day's work into one. PEACE! 

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10 minutes ago, DaBest said:

and I procrastinated when it came time to do it. I basically fit two day's work into one. PEACE!

I procrastinate sometimes too! It's a lot of fun!

In reality though, to try and get to my work when I realize I am procrastinating I try to remind myself that I can have more time for me; like my hobbies, exploring the world, if I just get this work done. The 'boring' work can be done earlier and I won't have to worry about it if I get it done now. This doesnt always work but it helps!

I hope you are able to get a real good nights sleep after all that work!

Best 

Jason

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I'm awake. Lol.

I got a full night's sleep last night, but I'm still feeling the sleep debt. 

I've noticed the past week or so, it's been really hard managing my internet use. Even at work it's creeping back up a little bit. I think I'm just feeling cooped up, lonely, and stressed. I just need to hold on.

Work was hard today. I got in late (for obvious reasons) and then ended up staying super late after getting wrapped up into an impromptu meeting at 5 that lasted til 7:30. It's crunch time now. 

 

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Things.

Internet usage has been better. Haven't gone really overboard or done too much dumb stuff. Phone usage is way down this week compared to last. 

Went to a happy hour yesterday for a buddy at my old job that finally had enough. I also saw the woman I asked out and she seemed none too pleased lol. Idgaf. Had a lot of fun and it was great to see a lot of the people I was friendly with.

After SEVERAL rounds of reviews I finally got all three deliverables out today, in time for tomorrow. Now I have nothing. Consulting is weird. Hopefully, I can get something tomorrow, or it might not be until Monday that I can get scheduled onto something. 

Hung out with my buddy last night as well. Had therapy yesterday as well. 

Got to the gym today. Meditated and read a book as well. 

Honestly not a bad 48 hours. Just need to keep on this direction.

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Have been working crazy hours this week, and I've been up late a bunch, like tonight. Internet usage has been good or bad depending on the day. Meditation has been iffy. Good to note I lost sight of that.

I started rock climbing and love it. Have already made a few acquaintances there and that makes me very happy.

That's it. 

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On 3/5/2021 at 1:56 AM, DaBest said:

 

Have been working crazy hours this week, and I've been up late a bunch, like tonight. Internet usage has been good or bad depending on the day. Meditation has been iffy. Good to note I lost sight of that

 

Sorry to hear that you've been so busy, to the point where you miss some sleep. Hopefully you'll be able to relax soon. I'm glad though that you have found joy in rock climbing!

 

Best 

Jason

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Alright, weekend has been pleasant so far. Parents visited since I can't visit them (...). Missed them, had a lot of really good food. Made me really happy to see them. 

As soon as they left it's been straight back on the laptop. I'm going to get off now. I'm re-signing my contract for one week. Honestly, I've been very lax with internet usage the past few days in between how busy I was, like I was OWED that, like it served some connection with the outside world. It means I was not doing enough of that on my own this past week. There are much better ways to get that. 

I have goals. I cannot forget that and get trapped. 

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Past couple of days have been up and down. I've been staying up too late, often turning off my blockers briefly to go research bouldering techniques since I'm still really new and want to improve. I go rock climbing pretty late as it's open way later than the normal gym, so if I get out of work late, I just go rock climbing instead.

I'm simply in love with rock climbing at this point. The athleticism, the problem solving, the people, the drop-in nature of the gym itself--it all really brings me back to when I was doing jiu jitsu. I've made a lot of acquaintances at this point, which is awesome. I'm still pretty bad though and I can only climb up to V1s, sans one V2. 

None of that's an excuse for my internet usage though. 

Work is also stressing me out slightly. I've been pretty busy recently with one client, and there's been a lot of deliverables. I'm feeling slightly tilted by getting tacitly called out (without being named) by my boss-boss during a client meeting, which actually just stemmed from a misunderstanding between us. It's frustrating, but I'll just make sure I communicate better in the future. My mind's first reaction though is to go into catastrophe mode, but so far I've done a good job of NOT doing that. 

So some progress has been made, but in some ways the old struggles are still there. That's life I guess.

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