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DaBest

DaBest's Journey For Self-Discipline

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Day 100 

Short and sweet. I was at work for 17 hours today. This next week is going to be dire, but I'm going to just grit this out.

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Nvm...

Day 101

Left work after 12 hours today. Got home before midnight. Eyes rolling up in head.

Edited by DaBest

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Day 102

No VG - 102 day streak, No SAH - 31 day streak (1 day off, intentionally), NF - 8

Still quite tired, but I'm not falling asleep as I write this. This week has been nuts. I skipped my improv class and show for work this week. Things were bad. I am concerned I will have to miss my next improv class next week, meaning I'll fail the class automatically for too many misses. That will suck. 

I let too much negativity creep in this week. I must alter my impression of things and not let it affect me so much.

Finally, in terms of streaks this week, still good on the VG and NF. I did take an intentional day off at 30 days for sports, and honestly, I don't like the time sink that it was. It doesn't really matter to my long term goals and happiness, and I got only an escape from it. I saw some sports at a bar today too and I question my reaction to watching. I was too involved. I will go sixty days now to see how things go.

I'm a bit too tired to feel like writing more. Good night.

 

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Day 103

No VG - 103 day streak, No SAH - 0 day streak, NF - 0 day streak

Really abused the dopamine today. I was caved to stress and watching sports at the bar. Tomorrow is a new day. 

I'm absolutely exhausted to boot. I am going to bed.

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Day 105 technically

No VG - 105 day streak, No SAH - 1 day streak, NF - 2 day streak

Well, things got weird after my post on Friday. As I had just finished brushing my teeth and was going to go to bed at before 9 (yes, I was that tired), I got a call from my boss about some issue going on at work. I was on-call, and the most knowledgeable about the equipment, so figuring this out was up to me. It took about an hour of working through everything, and another 30 minutes or so to write a long-winded email with my response, to avoid a 6 AM meeting on-site, which was honestly unnecessary. Thinking I was  good, I went to bed around 11. 

I was wrong.

I wake up to a text before 7 about how my email was misinterpreted and how everything was stopped. In retrospect, my email could've been worded better. I explained the situation again, but once I had sorted through that, I was asked to go on site to supervise the start of the work. Well shoot.

After that I cleaned up a bit and took a nap, but that was about it for the day. I was abusing the internet all day long. I have a show tomorrow as long as I don't get called in, and it is stressing me out. I cannot keep running from my fears. Admittedly, I did that tonight when I didn't go out for xyz BS reasons, and the stress from tomorrow probably played a part in that. 

I cannot keep abusing myself and I also cannot keep up this low level of effort on the weekends. I've fallen off the path a bit. I can get back on it starting now. This week sucked but that's not much of an excuse.

Again, I'm going for thirty days no sports at home because I need the mental space to work on other things. Like fear. Tomorrow I have a good chance to be scared, and facing that will be beneficial. Good.

I'm all over the place with this post. That's fine--I feel better now.

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Day 105 still

No VG - 105 day streak, No SAH - 1 day streak, NF - 2 day streak

I woke up very nervous about the show today. Lots of negative self-talk. Presenting myself to the world brings on immense self-criticism before I even get the chance to step outside my comfort zone. At one point, I was able to catch this before I left, and I tried to change the goal to "just having fun" instead of "being perfect" or at a minimum "learning." 

I got there a bit early and relaxed. After a while a few of my...teammates?...groupmates?...partners?...arrived and we grabbed a table. My mind was distracted a bit when the other teams before us were performing, but as the team before us was winding down, all the thoughts started to come back. I felt like I was going to piss myself even though I had just gone, so I got up and went again before we were called. 

It actually went really well. We got a good amount of laughs, and though I wasn't paying too much attention while we were playing, I think we got more laughs than most of the other teams. I even got a couple too, though I had some moments where I lost track of things. Yay validation.

I was honestly just happy I faced a fear and came out better than expected. I would be willing to do this again in the future. However, afterwards I was tired since I stayed up until the early morning. 

The rest of the day wasn't that productive. A bummer for sure, though part of that was a three hour nap. I'm not going to beat myself up too much about today because I actually was truly courageous for a change. I'm going to let the good feelings ride for a bit longer.

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Thanks for the kind words @BrassWolf. It's a blessing and a curse. I just have to learn to harness it better.

Day 106 

No VG - 106 day streak, No SAH - 2 day, NF - 3 day streak

Today was straight back to the rush at work, and the stuff at home I neglected after the weekend. For that reason I will keep this post a bit short, or at least try to.

I also made some headway with the therapist today on something I'm not comfortable talking about here. It might make going out a little bit easier too. 

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Day 107

No VG - 107 day streak, No SAH - 3 day streak, NF - 4 day streak.

I got home at super late and I'm still emailing work. I did get to leave early though and go to my improv class. 

Nothing deep and profound today besides my legs hurt from running around so much. SO DEEP BRO.

I'm just tired and rambly. Good night.

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Day 108 

No VG - 108 day streak, No SAH - 4 day streak, NF - 0 day streak

The craziness at work is finally letting up a little bit. Today I felt like I had a bit of breathing room. I'm still drowning, but still. 

Tonight might be the first night I get to bed at a reasonable hour for the first time in a few days! I need to prioritize this to get back on track.

Again, I don't really have too much time to think about what's wrong with my life since I don't have much time to think period.

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Day 109

No VG - 109 day streak, No SAH - 5 day streak, NF - 1 day streak

Well, I got a full night's sleep last night. Let's write some words!

The past two weeks at work have been particularly trying. I've been swamped. We've been swamped. A lot has been asked of everyone. Today it got to me a little bit. It's just frustrating because every day feels like more ends up in the inbox than out. I feel like I make inadequate progress. It's immensely frustrating.

At the same time, I feel like that in my personal life. More in than out. I want to change the tide. I feel like I have to an extent, but not enough. I need to learn how to multiply my force and ability to work exponentially or I will be stuck feeling like this forever. 

What can I do for that? 

1) Focus on reading, meditation, and health first. I've gotten away from this. Knowledge is the only way I get out of this.

2) Maintain friendships. These are my rock. I'm unstable without it. 

3) Learn how to learn and perform at a top level, and not by passively listening to podcasts. Actually studying and making changes to my life. 

4) Get back my time. I throw away so much of my time to chores and dumb stuff that doesn't give me much value.

5) Get tougher.

Man, I feel torn in a million directions right now.

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Day 110

No VG - 110 day streak, No SAH - 6 day streak (did see some at a bar though...I won't make the same mistake though), NF - 2 day streak

Today went pretty well actually.

Started off with a sense of dread and lack of desire to go to work. I went anyway and had a good 1:1 with my boss. He seems to think I'm doing well. That makes one of us, but at least it means I won't get fired soon. We also talked about the overload I have right now and he seems to know what's going on, which is also a relief. He's a good boss. I'd be happy if I good be as good an engineer as he is.

Had to go into the city to review my MRI results. Not that bad, no surgery needed. In a way though, it is a bit of a bummer though since that means the problem isn't getting fixed, so no running for me. Maybe I can crush some PT somehow. I don't know. 

Afterwards, I spent a good amount of time texting and catching up with old friends who are away. I also went to a bar in the city I could never visit when I was poor in grad school--not as exciting as I'd hoped. A little too bougie. 

Afterwards, I walked my meal off for an hour to the venue where I had my show. Honestly, it was in a bit of a sketchy area. I got there super early and went into a run down bookstore. It was sad really. There were three people reading awkward slam poetry on an amp--which is weird because they were their own audience. 

The show was REALLY BAD. We bombed big time. In a way though, I appreciated the experience since we all survived and learned from it (I SHOULD DO THIS MORE IN REAL LIFE). We grabbed drinks after and I got to know them a little bit better. We all laughed it off, and I weirdly felt better about myself. Beforehand, I felt like  I was worthless, and if I bombed, that was affirmation of that, but instead I felt better after because I faced the fear. Now I should do this with women.

Speaking of! In the middle of my train ride home, I hit up Tinder, and I worked out a date tomorrow! Really changed my approach with this, and I felt much better and more congruent with my conversation. 

What a weird week.

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