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Destoroyah's Meltdown


destoroyah
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Do you really believe that?

If the world makes no sense by definition and nihilism is the norm, you can assign it any value you want. You say you don't want to fall into the constructed scope of Good-Evil morality since it looks simplistic to you, yet assign yourself a place in that same scope by self-talking trash. You've arbitrarily decided to be the bad guy, the one who needs to be removed and stay under the radar. You don't need to be judged by someone else, you're doing it on your own. 

My opinion amounts to whatever you want to give it, but I think you are lashing out a villain complex, and that is a coping mechanism. Look, it feels good to think you're some sort of mastermind of the void, doing a favor to the lesser beings by getting rid of your own nuisance and knowing better. I know. You feel in control that way because a chaotic universe not determined by the certainty of either your long-term success or failure is scary as the fuckest fuck. The literal definition of fear: uncertainty. You just don't know anymore what to do to find yourself yet at the same time being left alone. So if my guess is right and you feel that way it's absolutely normal because man, it's a real mess. 

You're basically saying "Oh no boy, I have Nietzsche'd all the way down the rabbit hole, I'm beyond this, I am in charge here" and my word to you is, I don't think you'll be able to sustain that for long. You're hurting yourself.

I'm not saying you should immediately go outside and give free hugs to everyone and by the gods that you can take this as patronizing if you want, but anyway never talk shit to yourself again. There are people in this world who end up doing real evil, but never any of them did it to screw the world over for villainous fun, they did it because they thought they had a higher purpose, no matter how twisted. The same goes for anyone else who ever did anything in any way, good, bad, grey, we're not even talking about that anymore.

Self-deprecating yourself to justify your actions serves no higher purpose. It only leads to your own destruction and believe me, you're not doing anyone a favor with that. No one is going to pat your back for that, not even yourself in the end. You're nourishing a part of you that wants you to be unhappy and unsuccessful not because that would be what you really want but because that would somehow close the circle and therefore make sense.

Success or happiness is a more open thing, right? You have to define it, then pursue it, then you die and you lose it. But everyone knows what failure stands for. It is absolute and in the event of death, it's relieving you from pain. Somehow, it looks more straightforward. Your brain, not you, is looking for the easy way out. That's why it makes more sense to be the villain. The villain of your own life. 

Don't fall for that bullshit. There's no endgame so don't waste the time you have trying to be a catalyst of negativity. It's useless, and even usefulness is a blanket term for anything you want. Negativity and emptiness are artificial constructs. Enjoy your selfishness, your uniqueness. Create your own values, discard what it hurts you no matter who you have to confront. Delegate the prosecution in the millions of assholes out there and focus on giving your best in what you like for the silliest of reasons. It's your game.

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  • 2 weeks later...

@Hitaru I never read Nietzsche and I don't give a fuck. I give less than two shits about being a "Nihilist" because that'd mean I would consequently have to follow some stupidass predefined code to be one. I hate following anything. It slows me down. And I hate everything that stands in my way. I make up stuff on the go, because I hate thinking. I know that's not smart or academic. I don't give a shit about being smart or academic. I write short sentences. I am stupid. It makes me easy and it makes me feel good.

The concept of good and evil is not simplistic to me. I don't give a shit, because the complexity of good and evil is not something I spend time thinking over. It is something out of my reach, my mind is not high enough to grasp it.

I am not a philosophizer. What I write in my journal is my stream of consciousness. Sure you will find coping mechanisms in there - I think coping mechanisms are a very positive thing and I make great use of them frequently. If that is a "villain complex" or whatever to you - OK.

Sure I got fear and insecurities, and I can still feel good about myself - who doesn't? I know my limits in some cases and I can live with them. Sometimes I can even break and beat them.

I don't feel that I am a mastermind that needs to follow a "higher purpose", though I do tend to sometimes detach myself from this world in order to keep moving and avoid damage. There is no higher purpose - because there is nothing higher. I am not even sure that there is a purpose for anything at all but the purpose I give - but I don't give a shit. "There is no future, no fucking world to be saved". But yea, that is a coping mechanism that kicks in - when I see myself incapable of doing something. I know nothing.

I talk myself down, to keep myself in check. I sometimes talk myself into a Hybris. I have been writing since the age of 6, and... I'm not saying that that makes me sophisticated, but I will say "Today I ate lunch and stroked my cat" doesn't satisfy me. I dive deep into my mind and find treasure or krakens. Sometimes people don't understand. Some people think I have this gigantic flaw that needs to be fixed immediately. Don't worry about it, it won't kill anyone and I will never die.

Thanks for your input though. I am sure you have had a number of weighty experiences in life, maybe you can find a method to convey them to me... I am just really bad at taking the long-talk that tells me what to do and think. xD

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  • 1 month later...

ENTRY #53:

Circumstances have turned. I aced my exams, my job is fairly secure and my presence is wanted. I shaved my head bald as a cue, because I was balding. Hair is for pussies. I got buff gut, majestic. I play games, but I alternate it well with writing on my papers. Currently into Mad Max - it's violence keeps me tame. I got a foot into Linux, made a jump away from Arch - after having successfully completed the tasks I wanted done with it. It overcomplicates things - and so I am done with hat. Switched to Linux Mint for now. I can't hide my nature. I can't hide from myself. I am dumb. And that's fine and I shouldn't give a shit. I am served well rolling with it. With who I am. My ugly nature is cool. Gotta embrace it to the fullest. I won't deny or change it. Fighting chaos is futile, bathe in flexibility. Accept shit, the way it is. Save yourself the effort of being perfect to make room for things that are of use.

My training is going well. Listening to Eazy-E and every breath I take in peace is a victory over hypocritical bullshit.

Edited by destoroyah
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If it works for you, go for that.

Accepting flaws and shortcomings is of vital importance, but I still think you talk yourself down too much. I'm confident you'll find your way in a more 'zen' way tho. Your writing leaks a lot of a certain energy I'm sure you'll use to achieve the stuff you want. And nope, I'm not telling you the way you should be or pointing out a 'gigantic flaw' you should fix, heh. Do your thing in your own terms man, you know best what's going on in your life. Sorry if I sounded patronizing in the past, or you took it that way.

Congrats on your exams and your job! (And your bald majesticness). Glad to see you around and that you're doing fine. 

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  • 4 weeks later...

What would it take to make living not a chore?

I am new to your journal, but it seems like the language you use is that you see yourself as a destroyer. That can be useful, I think.

You may be interested in the diety, Shiva, who is seen as a destroyer and benefactor, the wild god, the fierce god...  Shiva performs five actions - creation, preservation, dissolution, concealing grace, and revealing grace. Within destruction lies beauty, lies life, lies creation. Perhaps you could begin to see those aspects of your life, in how your wake it may fertilize the ground for better things. Maybe you need to destroy yourself to rebuild. Constantly reshaping and molding you and your life.

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Thank you for the input, that was very interesting.

I see myself as the destroyer, because it grants me the power to change - myself and the world around me. Also it allows me to draw strength from my negativity - suppressed aggression and hate that could cause problems if I were to let them roam free in my mind. By taking the role of the destroyer can I channel that into appropriate things and moments. Overcome myself and circumstances – or so is the idea.

The cycle of destruction and creation is a frequent subject of my life. Death and rebirth, rise and depression. I am trying to give up heeding these concepts to be truly free.

Currently I am keeping busy by investigating the dichotomy of order and chaos. Chaos especially interests me, because chaos is my life. I want to be able to breathe chaos and live in it like a fish in the water. If you can accept chaos - you are free from good and evil. Free from life and death. Free from rise and depression – as these things are there to simplify the world, to create order in chaos. To restrict your mind.

Preservation also plays a big part in my life. I have begun noticing that stability is very important. May you be good or bad - it is preferable to be something people can count on. I have begun stepping past many of my own desires in favor of preservation and stability of my environment and people around me. Harmony and security. Maintaining order. It costs a lot of unnecessary energy, though, keeping things in the state it is. Stopping time and forcing rigidness upon my environment, controlling it. I desire not to waste my energy anymore on these things. I desire to be able to live in chaos - as to free up my energy for more dynamicity.

Push the pendulum at the point of its highest velocity - if you want to move something. Stop it at the apex, if you want to force equilibrium. I am convinced this concept is transferable to chaos and order, destruction and creation - and all these things. It would help to conserve energy being able to see those critical moments in time. Have a big effect with little effort.

As for concealing and revealing grace goes - I have not thought much about grace so far. I can imagine that grace is a side-effect of finesse. Concealing it would be preferable as to go by unnoticed when seeking destruction, and revealing it would be preferable when seeking creation. I am excited to think about this, how I can make use of grace and its profile as a tool.

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1 hour ago, Hitaru said:

Maybe what you're talking about is resilience and adaptability, or does it have a deeper meaning for you?

 I don't understand. Are you reading my post up there all literal? :|

If so: Of course it has a deeper meaning. I don't actually run around and destroy things, die and get reborn, pose as a statue for people to hang on to during the next storm, or keep my room untidy to live in "chaos"...

With "chaos" I mean not being in control. Or being completely "in the know" about every single thing around me. Or all the things related to chaos, and yes - an untidy room would also be included in that chaos. Accepting my own flaws. Accepting not everything being "perfect". The state of things is always chaos in a way. We reduce it down to processes and systems that we can grasp - and I believe many of these are wrong. Not all of them! But you need to be mindful and make selections according to current circumstances - and you always have to "renew" the concepts to make them work in the here and now.

To be able to still make use of the information that your senses transmit, to ensure that information still gets the right amount of attention, you need to let go of generalization and categorization. And yes - this is not the state you want to be in all day, but a state to reach calmness in heart. A "default" state if you will. This is what I partially mean by chaos - not sorting out my perception and applying my prejudices, but having a general openness of mind. 

But that is only a small part of the picture.

Let me make an example, on your post, the following thoughts occured in my brain to your post (please don't feel offended, any negative thought that occurred about you is included):

  1. What does he mean??
  2. How can he generalize all that into what he wrote?
  3. What is he even referring to??
  4. Did he even read it????
  5. Is what I wrote that complicated?
  6. Does what I wrote even make sense?? *reread my own post* Oh the usual bullshit. Should be OK by now, right? I'm a KNOWN freak.
  7. Hold on, something similar has occurred not many posts ago, maybe he doesn't understand, why would he even come back??
  8. I will explain.
  9. This is tedious, what do I explain? His post appears absolutely clueless. Where do I start?
  10. If he is clueless, why does he even post in my thread? My explanation depends on his reasoning, I need to adapt it so he may understand. So what was he thinking?
  11. A:He wants to take part in conversation, because he likes the act of conversing as a past-time
    B:He might actually be interested in what I wrote and wants to understand and maybe learn
    C:He wants to embrace his narcissism by demonstrating that he was able to find another dichotomy that fits – posting it could lead to a like, applause for his intellect, recognition that he dearly desires
    D:He is trying to do his job as a moderator and feels that he must comment on every journal to do a good job
    E:He actually might like me and wants to be my friend or ally
    F:He thinks I'm an Idiot that talks out of his ass and wants to test if my shit is coherent, he might know more than me about this subject
    G:He's trolling and malicious, handling his own frustrations
    H:He might actually be a good person that wants to help me
    I:Something completely else
    J: All of the above
  12. I pick J, as it is most likely a mixture of all these things
  13. Best course of action? Neutrality, patience, attempted kindness – if I can maintain that. This situation has not yet diverged anywhere.

The assumptions A-H are there, because I know people and myself (actually mostly myself! these are all thoughts I know from myself) from the past have reacted this way. Assumptions, if you will – not because I know you in particular, they would be there for any person basically if they posted that. In singularity they are order, but if they all occur at once: they are chaos. Usually in a persons mind the reasons presented under A-J (and yes, there are more, I was just giving examples) occur all simultaneously. May they be evil, good, or dumb or whatever. There is rarely just one "reason" when someone acts.

Assumption I is there, because I must assume that I'm a dumb person.

Assumption J is there, because I accept chaos. The truth. (I haven't really accepted chaos - chaos always bothers me. Chaos of NOT KNOWING 100%). It allows me to communicate further without being afraid of something. Without "just abiding rules and laws because fear of punishment". No. I can be kind and patient intrinsically, without telling myself to. Without force. Without god. Without the golden rule (and no: this doesn't always work like that, I am not master Yoda, nor do I like writing this post. In fact I can be very impulsive – and I embrace that too sometimes).

 

 

 

It's all about changing my perspective on life. It's mostly metaphorically speaking. "Resilience vs Adaptability" is one possible interpretation of what I meant – and yes that plays a big part in my life – but you can transfer it to many things. It's a concept and I seek to apply it in a broader range. If you realize that the causality chain of life is longer than anyone can comprehend or control, you start applying universal concepts to keep a clear head (and yes, a universal concept is again wrong in a way, but mine is meant to put equal value into all things. Emphasis on MEANT TO.).

Sheesh, that ate a lot of my time. I hope I haven't offended you. I didn't mean to. If I appear angry - I apologize, I am on a schedule. I am not a smart person, what I wrote is probably all wrong (and no, I don't write this to get a compliment for my intellect, but as a warning, any concept I convey might be wrong. Chaos. Remember! No system works really, they are full of compromises, I just invented this one.). I hope that explained myself (to some extent). But yes, DISCLAIMER I am a weird person, and not everything I write is always coherent. As is probably everybody. It is an ongoing process and gets changed on daily basis (anything else would restrict myself).

 

Peace.

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Thanks for sharing your thought process. I was always wondering what the sometimes weird and extreme posts where about. Seems like you think a lot about stuff. Most people would think of one reason someone answered maybe two or three. But sheesh that's a lot of thoughtfullness. Your sometimes cryptic entry's make it hard to support you on a meaningful way but seem to help you to guide you through your own mind. That's fine. If you'll actually need some extra input just ask for it and I am happy to give you some feedback or lend you my (sometimes limited brain) for some time. Best of luck man!

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I think you described what chaos means to you very eloquently in that last post :) I have a similar mind where I obsess over every possibility and can't decide Which One is right... Terrible at reading social queues others can see right away. Not terrible because I don't see the queue, terrible because I see too many meanings and the real one gets obfuscated by the rest.

It takes a lot of intention to let go of ones I logically don't think are true. 

But being of the mindset "I'm okay with not knowing, I will go forward based off of previous encounters which is the best I can do and I will let the universe surprise me as it always does" is so helpful <3 

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1 hour ago, Laney said:

"I'm okay with not knowing, I will go forward based off of previous encounters which is the best I can do and I will let the universe surprise me as it always does"

Sort of. That is the initial step of self acceptance, you are formed by your experiences in life. These experiences were not chosen by you, thus it's not your fault for who you are.

Now people will say: "But wait a minute! Does that mean that I have no responsibility over my own actions?? That's terrible!".

This is where most people start putting up dogmatic rules.

 

If you actually go all the way, and deny yourself the responsibility over your own actions, things can become quite interesting. The solution mustn't be that you automatically turn into an asshole. No. The solution I found was that I treat myself like an object that I own.

And then it goes deeper. If you are only a vehicle for something, and you yourself are somewhere behind the steering wheel, who says that there isn't another you behind that?

And this thought is a wrong turn again. Because like denying yourself responsibility you are again seeking to justify something, to explain something. You can't. You are assuming it all leads to wrong action. It doesn't. Accept chaos. It wasn't meant to be explained.

Ultimately that path is very self empowering. Then people will assume "oh no, I will turn into an egoistic asshole! I can't go there!". Well, maybe you will. You can't know though, so why break off, before you even try? If you are intrinsically good, if you believe that, you probably won't turn into an asshole. Then again, does it even matter if you turn into an asshole? No, it doesn't. It makes no fucking difference. Because whether you twist and turn your mind about goodness or not - other people won't care about you either way, unless you spend a lot of time with them. So get busy spending time with them and stop thinking.

Edited by destoroyah
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Well, I wasn't making any assumptions this time @destoroyah (and to be honest that's quite unusual in me), I read your post and wondered about that definition of chaos you were making:

"Is he talking about how does he see life and his personal best way to react to it (as if some sort of 'nihilistic utilitarianism' perhaps?), or is it something more philosophical, or more abstract, or...?"

That's what was going on in my mind at the time. Your description of your assumptions about me and yourself is not weird at all, at least compared to my own experience (yes, you can bet I did my opposite deal of assumptions about your reply for example, including "Is he attacking me/mad at me?" "Am I explaining myself so badly?"). If not everyone has that process inside their head all the time, at least there is a percentage of the population including you and me who certainly does. So what? Thoughts are cheap and harmless until materialized. It is actions that not only leave a real impact but are the ultimate tests for thoughts. The way I see it, think and do what works best for you, you'll cause a reaction around you which may well be what other people think and is the best for them (or not). That's perhaps another form of chaos, the endless possibilities of consequences of all kind.

[And since you mention, what pushed me to ask? I would say my behavior answers a mix of J with a heavy focus on B supported by C. My temperament is very narcissistic (the narcissistic part rejoices on the admittance while the "social" part is disgusted to have such flaw, and I'm not used at all to be this matter-of-fact with my inner workings) which means I am obsessed with me in the world -and- the world without me, and in my particular case that manifests into craving to witness and understand. My mind, your mind, all the minds, I want to know, I must. For no particular reason but my pleasure and what I felt since the beginning that is me. 

That's the most basic and most subconscious impulse (and so probably the strongest), but then there's other things like empathy or the reply quota. Again, so what. Even if I didn't give a fuck (which is not the case but why not, it could be the case in other circumstances if I was someone else), if I kept the conversation in this journal going, if I bumped your own internal dialogue forward in a way that helps you (and it's my belief that eventually all thoughts converge into something helpful, that and the narcissistic curiosity is why I decided not to kill myself back in the day) then I would be already doing a good job with an action that pisses in the mouth of a thousand of my previous thoughts or assumptions. And I don't feel F and G towards you, but that's not the case for other people in my life, present or past. It is also an emotion that dwells in me and also believe it does in everyone else as well. Again not that I'm proud, but it's there.] 

But I wasn't sure how to put it all of this into words when I wrote that and it came out as simplistic and clueless perhaps. Maybe it still is but with a ton of words this time... o.O

In any case I want to thank you honestly for the time you took writing! Not as the mod but as the weird narcissistic human mind eavesdroper. 

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4 hours ago, destoroyah said:

Sort of. That is the initial step of self acceptance, you are formed by your experiences in life. These experiences were not chosen by you, thus it's not your fault for who you are.

Now people will say: "But wait a minute! Does that mean that I have no responsibility over my own actions?? That's terrible!".

This is where most people start putting up dogmatic rules.

 

If you actually go all the way, and deny yourself the responsibility over your own actions, things can become quite interesting. The solution mustn't be that you automatically turn into an asshole. No. The solution I found was that I treat myself like an object that I own.

And then it goes deeper. If you are only a vehicle for something, and you yourself are somewhere behind the steering wheel, who says that there isn't another you behind that?

And this thought is a wrong turn again. Because like denying yourself responsibility you are again seeking to justify something, to explain something. You can't. You are assuming it all leads to wrong action. It doesn't. Accept chaos. It wasn't meant to be explained.

Ultimately that path is very self empowering. Then people will assume "oh no, I will turn into an egoistic asshole! I can't go there!". Well, maybe you will. You can't know though, so why break off, before you even try? If you are intrinsically good, if you believe that, you probably won't turn into an asshole. Then again, does it even matter if you turn into an asshole? No, it doesn't. It makes no fucking difference. Because whether you twist and turn your mind about goodness or not - other people won't care about you either way, unless you spend a lot of time with them. So get busy spending time with them and stop thinking.

I thought about this too man. I used to think so bad how letting go of a strong sense of morality would make me into the biggest of assholes, and even isolated myself out of fear of that happening. Lately (read several years) I've been learning to see things under a grey light without jumping straight to "how things should be" and not only I'm happier but with much more range of movement to do what I want to do, which is not radically different from what I wanted in the past, but in the mindset that it's just my arbitrary preference, as if life was a game in which I play to impose my opinion but I don't get mad if that doesn't happen. It's a much more interesting approach imo.

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Thanks for writing @Hitaru. Now I won't see you as clueless anymore - and probably never will again, that really got my respect.

As for any negative trait or thought someone might think to have: Dosis facit venenum. It's not a problem unless other people start pointing it out (and even then, you can firstly assume them as idiots, unless they are friends), or  when getting totally paranoid about being a fucking asshole. Which sometimes happens, getting insecure about whether or not having gone too far with boldness. Then it's best to just use that boldness to help others or silence them.

EDIT: Oh and yea, you actually do get my inner monologue - or whatever it is - going. Sorta. Well. It's always going, it just needs to be kept grounded. Held off from derailing. I deem that the job of other people though, I have stopped caring about the consequences of my actions and I really have been drawing a lot of good power from the, egoistic, left-hand path dark side recently. Of course, there is this intrinsic thought about that being a bad thing - but it's really not. There is absolutely nothing bad about it – I see no reason to restrain myself. In fact, in restraining myself do I become this wimpy sorry-ass piece of shit that can't do anything, that people tend to use as a stepping stone. I'd rather be a crocodile.

Edited by destoroyah
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I like your raw, visceral style of writing. What you call Chaos I call Flow but it seems like the same kind of idea. Everything is always in movement. Only the present moment exists, continuously being relegated to new movement in the form of memories within the new present moment. Emotions, flow upon the body. Thoughts, flow within the mind (whatever the fuck that is).

No object is constant, every object dies and is reborn in every moment, it is only us perpetually overlaying our memories, our labels, our "knowing" of the object onto the perception of the inherently meaningless object that sustains the illusion that the object is somehow a constant in time and space.

Good shit, keep up the contemplations.

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@thehondasc00py

I don't think flow and chaos are the same thing. Flow has a direction. It's a trend. Flow could be seen as some kind or path, a frequency, maybe it's what the Japanese called "Zen" - yea, but when I was using that vocabulary I always felt like a guppy at its mercy or some rebel intentionally going against the mainstream. That always made me feel uneasy. Either by being self-destructive or weak. Chaos in comparison is more gaseous. Molecules bounce in all direction, and there is pressure – that can implode and explode. You are constantly tested.

I want to fundamentally destroy the concept of being at the mercy of anything in my mind. Circumstances and even my own, unreasoned, drive to intentionally be different than the rest of the world – like a salmon that is killing itself to reach a nesting and resting place. If the stream is something I like - I should use its power. If it goes against me, I should fight it. Black and white thinking.

Flow implies causality chains that can't be stopped. In my view, there are no causality chains. We only invent causes and consequences to simplify the world – to generalize and turn it into something understandable. This in itself, I view, as a problem, because it includes prejudices and generalizations – simplifications that need to be constantly renewed and actualized to be accurate, which is a common practice of myself too, I need systems to work as does anyone.

But to attain emotional equilibrium, peace of mind, I intend to accept chaos. Being in flow is a very similar thing – and I have been there time and again – but there is something about that state that severely bothered me. It was never me who chimed the tones to get there, but being randomly on the right frequency by a coincidence. Mostly drunk or high. Feeling like working magic that one cannot really grasp. The resulting coolness, sadly, does not last. I'm not sure acceptance of chaos lasts – it's just a new construction site that I opened recently.

Facing that reality took a long time, and I needed to quit smoking and drinking to finally accept it. I believe the state of flow can work just as well as the acceptance of chaos – mostly by listening to rap music, thrash metal, partying, smoking marijuana, doing calligraphy in the form of graffiti and skateboarding – if perfected. These things are all very "Zen" as they all are about flow. This may sound ironic, it's not. I have seen true happiness work in that state, conjured thru these activities. It's a matter of personal preference, part of life and the scene you act in. I don't think the concept of flow is wrong, flow feels good – I just haven't experienced it in a long while and had to find different concepts for the inner workings of my mind in order to function in my environment. I need to be completely self-sustained to fulfill my role. There is no right direction for me.

Everybody finds new concepts like this in life – and they work! Facing a change gives birth to a new concept. Usually people don't write as much on this as I do, so they might not be as articulate about it. They are just as intricate though, of this I am certain. Many thoughts work without words though... but if you find the right word – you can destroy anything.

Thanks for your input! That was interesting to write about and presented me some personality changes that I have gone through in the past! I really need to go train now – shit! I'm growing fat!

Peace.

Edited by destoroyah
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Allow me to reiterate. My Flow is not the flow state commonly referred to when talking about focused, productive states well known throughout self-help and psychology.

This emotional/mental state is just another form within Flow, with a capital F. It's just a state, it's impermanent, while Flow is the impermanence itself. I really only mean the impermanence driving everything. You don't have to be in a flow state to witness Flow. Unproductivity is also Flow, chaotic thoughts are Flow. It can always be witnessed just by stepping back seeing things move/change. Basically, just movement, nothing more. So I still think we're just using different words pointing at the same thing. Interesting that you mention pressure and implosion/explosion. It seems everything is constantly expanding and contracting. Stars (thermal energy, gravitation), atoms (momentum, electrostatic attraction), breathing (belly expands, muscles contract), thoughts (chaotic thoughts flying in all directions vs concentrated focus pulled into one point). I've had the thought that I've had two drives pulling in opposing directions - higher self pulling towards growth, lower self pulling towards safety, and the friction/pressure created in the middle arose as emotion like fear. But perhaps this is just the human conceptualization of causality you mentioned.

You say you want to be free of being at the mercy of anything in your mind. If you are none of the things arising in the mind, what do you think are you?

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Your definition of Flow sounds a lot like the "path" (or the "dao") – the described by Zhuangzhi. Ancient chinese concepts of early daoism. Maybe there is something in common... Still I think the word "flow" describes a smoothness. I have a problem with that, as life can be smooth or jagged. I need to be careful which word I use to describe it, because the word used dictates the methods applied to work with it. Here check this book out, it could be interesting for you: ISBN: 978-3-15-018256-7

1 hour ago, thehondasc00py said:

You say you want to be free of being at the mercy of anything in your mind. If you are none of the things arising in the mind, what do you think are you?

By that I mean that I don't want to embrace prejudice. Fear of, for example, people from another country – which is taught to people. Racism and homophobia I deem as taught things - concepts - that produce feelings like fear and anxiety or hate – mostly unreasoned. I don't want to be dictated by the concepts of egoism and altruism, because it restrains myself and brings nothing of use. These things are taught and restrain my mind. They put me into a self-critical state, when I don't deserve it. I punish myself in doing this, for errors that I haven't made. It's a very complex thing, I'm not sure I can explain, my mind has a lot of overhead it seems and I really need to simplify it.

Ultimately what I am, of course, is... a very philosophical question. If I silence my mind - I am what I perceive to be. But I have many answers. A product of my experiences maybe, or a coalition of cells seeking self-preservation, reproduction and dominance over my environment. This question I don't think leads anywhere and is a wrong turn to take, when trying to gain emotional peace (of course it can be of use, but it hurts my brain). I hate philosophy as it leads nowhere but a battle of vocabulary and intellect. I have no religion, and I avoid declaring myself a nihilist or atheist because I would have to abide the rules of those systems or get nailed on a cross not fulfilling them. I don't want that, it restrains me from feeling well about my current state, being who I am. I don't want to have a predefined identity. If voodoo benefits me - I would take it. If it restrains me, makes me afraid, takes away belief in my own capabilities - I would drop it. There is no ying yang, fuck ying and yang. It turns the world black and white, justifies bad things and takes away from the good. There is no good anyways, but whatever. Simple as that - why would I ever need to heed negative thoughts about myself? They don't benefit me.

Surely you could now argue that self-criticism is always valid, but my organism is so intrinsically self-critical that it is completely misplaced in my mind.

So ultimately what I try to be is "nothing". Free of emotional imbalance and all this shit people have put in my head over the years. I am deeply convinced we humans have too much shit in our heads and grow more insane with every day spent, because we are trying to make sense of all these experiences we have made. There is no sense. Don't try. Accept chaos, don't think – just be.

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22 hours ago, destoroyah said:

Ultimately what I am, of course, is... a very philosophical question. If I silence my mind - I am what I perceive to be. But I have many answers. A product of my experiences maybe, or a coalition of cells seeking self-preservation, reproduction and dominance over my environment. This question I don't think leads anywhere and is a wrong turn to take, when trying to gain emotional peace

Could not disagree more. Asking "what am I?" is absolutely a practical question, and it's the most important question a human being can ask in his life, ever. Just that the question is so incredibly hard to answer and so much bullshit, conceptualization and distraction comes inbetween. And no one wants to turn in and start the serious investigation. Philosophy is playing with mental concepts and you are not mental concepts. Yet every single problem you could conceive of arises out of misaligned beliefs about "I" and "reality". What are cells? Are they actually something you directly experience? If not, how real are they really, what's the use?

I don't think of ying and yang as some nonsense like good and bad. I think the idea was more along the lines of universal principles of expansion - contraction like I mentioned. But I have not really investigated this idea yet and unsure of it's usefulness.

I agree we have too much shit in our heads - of course, that comes as a side effect of growing up in this society. The problem is that we already have sense of all our experiences if you like it or not, and that making sense was in most cases misaligned with reality or flat out false because of a lack of deeper understanding. In the absense of knowledge, mind will simply create it itself. So I would say, before trying not to make sense altogether, investigate all your beliefs and test their validity, investigate their origin, question their necessity. observe their impact. What deeper understanding of reality was lacked when the belief was adopted?

Example:

  • "im incompetent"----->WHY? Origination?
  • "bad shit happened to me as a child and it was painful"---->did not understand the pain or why it happened
  • --->"must have happened because of ME, i must be incompetent"---->belief adopted
  • inherently true? necessary, useful?
  • if no---->discard and become less.
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19 hours ago, thehondasc00py said:
  1. "im incompetent"----->WHY? Origination?
  2. "bad shit happened to me as a child and it was painful"---->did not understand the pain or why it happened
  3. --->"must have happened because of ME, i must be incompetent"---->belief adopted
  4. inherently true? necessary, useful?
  5. if no---->discard and become less.
  1. doesn't matter – go train hard and practice to kick some ass. Never assume you are competent anyways - that makes you stupid and lazy.
  2. doesn't matter – break a tear and learn living your life. gain strength from pain. take it. take it take it.
  3. wouldn't happen if you didn't bother breaking your head about it. But to answer your question – there is no "must". There is no reason.
  4. makes you insane in the longterm
  5. is a tedious practice and takes a lifetime to realize

 

The question "what am I?" is not practical at all in my opinion. You are a kangaroo. Now what? Hop around and do bullshit?

Feeling sorry for yourself don't help shit. Wondering if you "deserve" your fate don't help shit. The only thing that matters is not spending your time in limbo, wondering your ass about anything. The stars are infinite? You want aliens? Build a fucking rocket or get on making a wormhole – they aren't gonna come down by wondering your ass about it.

The question "what am I?" only leads to "I am this, I am meant to do this. I can or can't do this.". I don't want to be meant to do anything. I don't want to be told what I can or can't do - unless I try and fail or succeed. I have my own cause. I choose, I select, I declare what I am. It is my choice.

It's my choice? Great. I hate choosing. Do I have to choose? No. I don't choose then. I choose not to bother with this shit. Move on, get something done. Break the frame, draw a picture.

19 hours ago, thehondasc00py said:

What are cells?

Doesn't matter - unless you're into biology. You want a reason? You think after 2 Millenia of idiots sitting on their ass "wondering" there wouldn't have been one to discover a meant meaning to life? You are conceited in assuming you will discover that reason. Get busy and you won't be so depressed.

 

19 hours ago, thehondasc00py said:

Yet every single problem you could conceive of arises out of misaligned beliefs about "I" and "reality".

No. I have never had a problem with animals. Or gravity. Or things breaking. Uncleanliness. I accept those things without judgement. I never feel sad.

The only problems that exist, exist because there are other people and – emotional attachments for animals (if you're into that. I'm not.) – we have to share this world with (this may sound overtly negative against other people, but rest assured I have fun and I love some people in this world – probably more than myself).

19 hours ago, thehondasc00py said:

If not, how real are they really, what's the use?

This is the use: You live, you die. Only those two facts are given. What you do inbetween there is totally up to you. Make an interpretation.

 

In math you often have to assume that x is not a zero to continue to the end of your equation. Assume there is no god, no meaning - or whatever. Chose. Take his existence as a fact – fine. Done. Your choice doesn't matter really, just don't waste too much time choosing. Most people fail at gaining the determination to make a choice. Don't be a sucker, get it over with.

Wrong choice? No problem. Fix it. Can't fix it? Bummer. So what? Shit happens. I will kick god's ass if he tells me I can go to hell for not believing in him. I can't do that? Fine. I will suffer eternity and plan my revenge. I will take over hell - no problem. I am not afraid of eternal pain. My love and hate will see me through anything, even eternity. I will always try to break the frame, I'm sure any god would love me for it, if not for the spirit – then for the challenge. I will always see the end of it. The end of any state. The end of my life. The end of eternity. The end of the universe. Then, I will tell you whats up, because I was awake all the time, and not wondering what the fuck – my hindsight is 20/20.

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Lol props that post is completely awesome and complete bullshit at the same time. ok lets play.

3 hours ago, destoroyah said:
  1. doesn't matter – go train hard and practice to kick some ass. Never assume you are competent anyways - that makes you stupid and lazy.
  2. doesn't matter – break a tear and learn living your life. gain strength from pain. take it. take it take it.
  3. wouldn't happen if you didn't bother breaking your head about it. But to answer your question – there is no "must". There is no reason.
  4. makes you insane in the longterm
  5. is a tedious practice and takes a lifetime to realize
  1. Except look at all those unfulfilled business suckers being super successful yet still dysfunctional and unfulfilled deep down at the same time because of the secret inner belief that they're incompetent or not good enough or whatever. That inner belief is gonna keep driving you to externally prove something deep down you know you aren't. Kick ass all day, you are what you think and if you still think you suck then kick all the ass you want you'll still suck
  2. thats my point too
  3. Yes in hindsight ofc. Did you have that level of insight and mindset way back as a 10 year old where traumas tend to happen? Doubt it else you wouldn't be here. Same goes for all those points actually
  4. 4. No, questioning everything doesn't make you insane, it makes you sane. So many unquestioned beliefs taken for granted literally makes you delusional, synonymous with insane
  5. 5.Takes about 10mins
3 hours ago, destoroyah said:
  1. The question "what am I?" only leads to "I am this, I am meant to do this. I can or can't do this.". I don't want to be meant to do anything. I don't want to be told what I can or can't do - unless I try and fail or succeed. I have my own cause. I choose, I select, I declare what I am. It is my choice.

Proposal for you. What if you eventually realized that you were not at all any concept "this and that" like you are proposing now, but turn out to be nothing at all? That "You" literally don't exist? See, that possibility didn't even enter your head. Yet if it were true it would solve literally every problem because there would be no problem in the first place. You immediately assumed the answer had to be "a thing". God has to be "a thing", like some silly christian god sitting in heaven sentencing you to hell. well duh, ofc not.

And it's funny, it would give you exactly what you want but you dont realize it. If you are not someone, but nothing, then you can create whatever someone you want. You're trying now, and maybe youre successful to some regard but you can't quite do it 100%, because you believe that you already are someone. You're a person trying to bruteforce himself into not being a person who just hasn't realized he wasn't a person to begin with.

3 hours ago, destoroyah said:
  1. The only problems that exist, exist because there are other people and – emotional attachments for animals (if you're into that. I'm not.) – we have to share this world with (this may sound overtly negative against other people, but rest assured I have fun and I love some people in this world – probably more than myself).

 

3 hours ago, destoroyah said:
  1. The only problems that exist, exist because of how I relate to other people, and how I perceive other people, and what I believe other people are

Fixed that for you. Btw if you're outsourcing problems to "other people" instead of taking responsibility for every problem yourself, you're contradicting the entire message of your post. Not quite sure what youre getting at with all that animal stuff

3 hours ago, destoroyah said:

I will kick god's ass if he tells me I can go to hell for not believing in him. I can't do that? Fine. I will suffer eternity and plan my revenge. I will take over hell - no problem.

I approve of this.

3 hours ago, destoroyah said:

I am not afraid of eternal pain. My love and hate will see me through anything, even eternity. 

However, I think you might be underestimating how long eternity really is

3 hours ago, destoroyah said:

You want aliens? Build a fucking rocket or get on making a wormhole – they aren't gonna come down by wondering your ass about it.

Let's do it. Speaking to aliens is lowkey on my bucket list

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