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Rubiroo
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Hey good that things are going ebtter.  Everyday of abstaining from gaming is a win. Maybe not a big win but a win you can be proud of. Don't tap into the trap of wanting more and more and instead take a moment from time to time to acknowledge your achievements (especially if they are small). Exactly this will get you to your dreams. In the spririt of the slight edge: This Little things who are easy to do but also easy not to do. Be proud of them. That is what will Keep you going.

That mentality has been a long served problem for me. I'm always looking ahead at what I have to do and spend little time acknowledging my achievements. My rear view mirror is gonna get a dusting today.

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Day 9 of the rest of my life

Hey hey what's good folks?

I am feeling proud of myself today. Went for a run despite a little hiatus of not-so-goodness. Was a slower and shorter run, but I've forgiven myself for working 7 days. Run was 3.76km with 4:30min/km. Was pretty windy as well so not going to feel bad about it. I'm glad a went from a no run day to a run day, even if it wasn't a PB. Was still faster and longer than my first run anyways.

The good thing about the run was that it made me feel good, so I engaged in other things that were good for me like showering, shaving and eating better as well. With this knowledge in mind I will put more importance into running. Even if it isn't the best circumstances for it, it'll set me up for better ones.

Been reading The Slight Edge, but am just before the meat starts getting juicy. I've been preoccupying myself with the TV show, House. Been itching to finish the season since it is a good one. I rationalized that if I finish the season, I'll have less reason to jump on Netflix. If that theory proves wrong, I'll find an activity to replace it.

My sleep hasn't been getting much better. Managed to get 7 hours last night, but I feel like I operate better on more. So I'm going to push for 8 hours and see how that feels. My average is about 6.5, but always feel like it's a chore getting out of bed. Hell, maybe I'm just a pussy and just need to get up.

 

Peace!

Edited by Rubiroo
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Day 10 of the rest of my life

So, pretty exciting day today.

Had a Skype Call with Cam about the Beyond program and I will be on board for this fantastic adventure. Along with this I had my first therapy session of the year and was proud to hear my therapist say that I look happy and full of productive energy. This change in energy wouldn't have been possible without the help of this community. I know I'm only 10 days in, but that's 10 days of more self awareness and belief and support that I wouldn't have otherwise. So, thank you to those that have helped me so far. It means a lot for me to finally start making actionable progress towards my potential.

I also got myself an application form for the library so I can absorb information without it costing me. Currently reading through 6 books, but I plan to be reading more in the future. I shall be the fountain of knowledge and wisdom!

I decided to celebrate my progress with some pizza (Chicken, Camembert, Cranberry, Bacon and Pepperoni), Sea Salted Caramel Gelato and the movie I watched was Zootopia. Not the greatest movie, but it was enjoyable. I'll be looking forward to exercising tomorrow to burn off the extra calories.

 

Thanks fam!

Peace

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Missed a couple nights of journaling. Here's the catch up

Day 11 of the rest of my life

Today was a pretty relaxing day. Spent most of it watching House, spent a bit of time watching the Inauguration with my flatmates. I spent some time applying my Python knowledge with some problems that the Discord chat provided. It made me feel pretty good knowing that I'm able to work through those problems if I put in the time. I even got out some paper to understand the problem better. The tools are coming out.

I haven't been sleeping very well recently. Mostly waking up during the night and flatmates who get up before me.

 

Day 12 of the rest of my life

Another pretty chill day. More time watching House. Was feeling pretty meh throughout the day. Was exploring a little bit with a friend but nothing really noteworthy right now.

I'm spending too much time on Netflix and have noticed that thoughts started flooding in when I stopped and went to work. Today I'm gonna spend most of the day off the PC and read or give myself some time to breath and explore a little bit.

 

Peace

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Day 18 of the rest of my life

I'm feeling pretty depressed overall. I've stopped exercising and just don't really want to do anything. I've continued reading The Slight Edge and that's been giving me some solace. I'm not tempted to game, I'm just sitting with this feeling and it's like a looming cloud that makes it hard to see the sun. I'm finding it really hard to believe in myself. I know that I'm capable of doing great things, I know I'm intelligent. But I just don't believe in myself. Maybe this is just a period of rewiring that I'm going through. Lack of constant stimulation from gaming is possibly starting to kick in and it'll go away on it's own. But what if this is just me without the games. I hope it isn't.

 

Peace

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First three weeks tend to be the toughest but you've gotta get in the gym. The gym has less to do with physical health (although that helps a lot), and more to do with you training your MENTAL health. DIG DEEP. Belief in yourself is DEVELOPED. It's not automatic, at least right now. 

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Day 18 of the rest of my life

I'm feeling pretty depressed overall. I've stopped exercising and just don't really want to do anything. I've continued reading The Slight Edge and that's been giving me some solace. I'm not tempted to game, I'm just sitting with this feeling and it's like a looming cloud that makes it hard to see the sun. I'm finding it really hard to believe in myself. I know that I'm capable of doing great things, I know I'm intelligent. But I just don't believe in myself. Maybe this is just a period of rewiring that I'm going through. Lack of constant stimulation from gaming is possibly starting to kick in and it'll go away on it's own. But what if this is just me without the games. I hope it isn't.

 

Peace

I'm going through exactly the same stage right now. I think we need this month or maybe more to just wind down our brain from extremely high stimula which comes with gaming. I would compare it to 'physical' dependency which just can not be skipped, like in drugs abstinence.

You're capable of going cold turkey on gaming and that IS a great thing! As you can see in other journals it's not that easy for everyone. Congratz on your abstinence and not giving up. Keep doing good work

 

P.S. I'm just curious - what have you done with your steam account?

Edited by fil
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I'm going through exactly the same stage right now. I think we need this month or maybe more to just wind down our brain from extremely high stimula which comes with gaming. I would compare it to 'physical' dependency which just can not be skipped, like in drugs abstinence.

You're capable of going cold turkey on gaming and that IS a great thing! As you can see in other journals it's not that easy for everyone. Congratz on your abstinence and not giving up. Keep doing good work

 

P.S. I'm just curious - what have you done with your steam account?

Hey fil,

I haven't done anything with it at this point. Haven't been thinking about it really.

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Nah these phases oof depressionare prettynormal if you quit anything. Wait ti out. Focus on the Basics. Eat right, Sleep Right, Workout and ge tout of the house if possible. If you do this it will usually go away pretty fast.

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Hey Rubirro, how's you doing?

5 days have passed since your last entry, so I'm interested in whether you're still game free or not.

I am still game free. Day 30 today.

I had and have a desire to hide myself from this journaling. I'm not certain of the reason but my resolve still stands. 

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Hmm, I don't think hiding is good. This way I got relapsed couple of times before.

It might be a bit like a crutch. But stand still for 3x30 days and then reavaluate. That's my advice, but the choice is yours :)

Greetings, Mad Pharmacist

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Day 38 of the rest of my life

Thank you Mr Mad Scientist sir. 

I just haven't found using this journal to be very beneficial for me right now. I was very vulnerable and  had a desire to pull back a bit. I am part of the Beyond program so I am in good hands and am having a better time than ever. 

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  • 8 months later...

Hey everyone.

It's been a while since I made a post but I'm back. I went 196 days game free and jumped off the bandwagon  because I was pretty stressed out and needed to get out of my head due to some self-attacking I was doing. Since then I've been playing pretty unregulated, but not overwhelmingly. My biggest crux currently is mindless time spent on YouTube.
I'm here to get myself back on track. To start that off I'll be posting here every morning. Even if it's just a quick little message like this one.

Thanks everyone for your past support. I'm going to make it to 200 this time.

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196 is impressive mate, even for a kiwi B|

To use this as a learning point, identify what made yourself feel so stressed out that you felt you needed to escape, so you can recognize it earlier on next time and mitigate it. For me it was trying to look at tasks as a whole and they looked so overwhelming, but if I break them down into smaller elements they're easier to attack and progress towards.

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196 is impressive mate, even for a kiwi B|

To use this as a learning point, identify what made yourself feel so stressed out that you felt you needed to escape, so you can recognize it earlier on next time and mitigate it. For me it was trying to look at tasks as a whole and they looked so overwhelming, but if I break them down into smaller elements they're easier to attack and progress towards.

Get outta here ;)

For sure. I know what the causes of the  stress was and am better equipped to deal with it now thankfully. I work for my brother and I had been working there for a couple months and he went on holiday with his family. The stress was a combination of not having him around to help me when I was unsure of what I was doing and a reenactment of my father leaving when I was young. So pretty stressful and painful.

 

I've decided to work on 1-2 things at a time. Currently I'm working 2 things: 
Getting to bed earlier and cutting out electronics before I sleep.
Making my lunches.

I've noticed that when I sleep early, cut out electronics and have a decent amount of water before I sleep I wake up feeling less foggy, more cooperative internally and a bit more energetic.

I've made a habit of buying lunch everyday and it's hurting my wallet which severly limits my saving potential and stresses me out when I see my spending money getting low. I want to allocate about $15-20/week for lunch which is great vs the $50+/week I'm doing currently. I want to target dinner as well, but I'll get to that when I've got lunch on the downlow.

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I've made a habit of buying lunch everyday and it's hurting my wallet which severly limits my saving potential and stresses me out when I see my spending money getting low. I want to allocate about $15-20/week for lunch which is great vs the $50+/week I'm doing currently. I want to target dinner as well, but I'll get to that when I've got lunch on the downlow.

This is really good! I am always amazed by how much people don't pay attention to how much buying lunch costs them. I was recently having a conversation with someone I was working with, as they were paying $7 a day for lunch (which they thought was a great deal), and I was eating leftovers every day. They were basically trying to pay me out about how I "brown bag" my lunch every day, but were amazed when I started pointing out the numbers to them - $35 a week for his lunch, which is $140 a month, or $1680 a year. You can get return flights to LA for $1000 and still have $680 for accomodation or spending money. Needless to say, he now brings his own lunch to work every day now too B|

I think if you combine making your own lunches and dinner, you'll save wads of money, as you will just have leftovers for lunch like I do. For example, if you're single, most of the recipes you come across will serve 2 or 4. For serve 2, there is your dinner and following day's lunch, and for serving 4 just halve the portions. Doing it this way, you will be eating every day for under $10 (pending what you have for breakfast. I just have 2 eggs or a bowl of cereal).

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“I think if you combine making your own lunches and dinner, you'll save wads of money, as you will just have leftovers for lunch like I do. For example, if you're single, most of the recipes you come across will serve 2 or 4. For serve 2, there is your dinner and following day's lunch, and for serving 4 just halve the portions. Doing it this way, you will be eating every day for under $10 (pending what you have for breakfast. I just have 2 eggs or a bowl of cereal).”

This is what I’ve tried in the past but what I’d like  to do is avoid cooking in the evenings because I have a 1.5 hour commute and I get home around 7:30 and wake at 5:30. Preferably I’ll cook all my meals on Sunday or something and just heat it or have it prepared for cooking so I don’t feel like I don’t have time. But it is incredible how much money you can save just from food.


So I’ve had a pretty good week this week. I think I’ve hit a cornerstone of why I don’t persist with behaviours which I know are beneficial in the long term and have felt a mindshift change that wasn’t there before.

I do and don’t want to share this, but I will in the hopes that it helps or resonates with anyone. The discovery is where I have tied my self worth and it’s an old story that I committed to long ago. My father left me to go to prison when I was 7 and I learnt that he would be out when I turned 18. At some point (probably when I was 11-14) I decided that I would be the best person I could be to show him how great I am and why he shouldn’t have left. I wanted to prove to him that I was worth not leaving. When I turned 18 I learnt that my father was on preventative detention which means he can’t leave prison until the jury deems him safe in public. When he had his hearing he wasn’t deemed safe and when I learnt this I thought it was because I wasn’t worth coming back for. Because his ability to leave was up to his progression and work on his self I thought he hadn’t worked hard enough to come back to me. I internalised this as me not being good enough and when I learnt this I lost motivation in school, moved out from my mothers place into my best friends place and close to exams I skipped school for two weeks.

The thing that I’ve learnt from this discovery is that I have told myself that I’m not good enough because of my father’s actions. So my self worth remained in prison with him and I didn’t see the point in doing much that wasn’t either immediately beneficial or in the near future. So anytime that I did something that I knew would be beneficial in the long term I ended up stopping because it either wasn’t benefitting me in the short term or not enough to warrant continuing. 

So this is my work currently and I’m sinking my teeth into it and in the process of reclaiming my self worth. 

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Glad to hear from you again, putting aside circumstances. 

The you that wants to please your parents is a fallacy we fall into to avoid taking full ownership for our actions. Clinging to an external expectation or validation makes working towards a goal easier: you don't have to worry about staying motivated or losing your objective, it will depend purely on someone else's feedback. It's something people do all the time and there's no reason to feel ashamed about it. Only be aware of when it happens. 

It's not the same case, but a story for a story: between 10 and 13, my father's problems with alcohol reached a tipping point and he was finally forced to leave my mother's home. Lived for a while in complete isolation in the countryside and then met a colombian woman online. They lived for years almost like beggars in some shady places, Cali, Bogotá's suburbs... saw some shit. Then my grandpa died and they came back desperate for a slice of a cake that wasn't quite so. Now they are living in poverty in a nearby town and aside from some menial conversations our relationship is completely stalled, from my part. I don't have anything to tell him.

What he doesn't know is I'm actually waiting my opportunity to "be something" in life until I feel sure and with some kind of "moral authority" to take over the parent-son relationship and command him to get his shit together under my terms, in exchange for my respect/love and a safe old age under my wing. The arrangement would satisfy my ego and lift the frustration from his abandon. As if to prove him and myself that I can do better, and... therefore didn't deserve what he did, I guess. It's the first time I'm putting this thought into words and I must say it's being kind of intense.

In my case I'm not working for his validation (or the same kind of validation), but in the end its the same, I'm making up the whole movie and taking the role I'm comfortable with for my emotional convenience, without having asked him once about his actual wants and needs. Even if my guess is his needs are not completely... what's the word... altruistic, let's say.

Your father's mistakes are his own, you know that already and there's no need of giving you a gratuitous 'speech'. The best thing is you guys fix your relationship together. Make him part of the process instead of assuming by yourself what is he thinking about you or your worth. What you're currently doing is no less than outsourcing the foundation of your self-steem on a guess placed in the head of someone who can't even confirm it. 

To be honest I'm not sure it will be possible under this very particular circumstances and you probably shouldn't attach emotionally to any particular outcome, but try to take the best from what life deals to you.

Take care man, hope it turns out well for you. We have your back as usual! Looking forward to keep reading you.

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This is what I’ve tried in the past but what I’d like  to do is avoid cooking in the evenings because I have a 1.5 hour commute and I get home around 7:30 and wake at 5:30. Preferably I’ll cook all my meals on Sunday or something and just heat it or have it prepared for cooking so I don’t feel like I don’t have time. But it is incredible how much money you can save just from food.

I used to do this when I lived by myself about 7 years ago. My commute wasn't the same (I lived 10-15 minutes walk from work), but I got annoyed with the routine of coming home, cooking, cleaning, eating, and then going to bed when it was just me. It just seemed like a waste of effort for one person. So what I ended up doing was going to the markets really early on a Saturday morning (at about 5am), buying my weekly groceries fresh from the growers for about $50 a week, come home and spend the afternoon preparing and cooking all the food in giant pots. Then I bought a pack of takeaway containers from the supermarket (usually around 10 for $4), then portion it into the containers and mark them Monday/Tuesday/Wednesday/etc. Throw them all in the freezer and boom, all I had to do when I finished work during the week was walk home, chuck one container in the microwave while I was getting changed, then boom dinner was served. I loved it.

I'd totally like to go back to that method but my wife hates the idea!

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This is what I’ve tried in the past but what I’d like  to do is avoid cooking in the evenings because I have a 1.5 hour commute and I get home around 7:30 and wake at 5:30. Preferably I’ll cook all my meals on Sunday or something and just heat it or have it prepared for cooking so I don’t feel like I don’t have time. But it is incredible how much money you can save just from food.

I used to do this when I lived by myself about 7 years ago. My commute wasn't the same (I lived 10-15 minutes walk from work), but I got annoyed with the routine of coming home, cooking, cleaning, eating, and then going to bed when it was just me. It just seemed like a waste of effort for one person. So what I ended up doing was going to the markets really early on a Saturday morning (at about 5am), buying my weekly groceries fresh from the growers for about $50 a week, come home and spend the afternoon preparing and cooking all the food in giant pots. Then I bought a pack of takeaway containers from the supermarket (usually around 10 for $4), then portion it into the containers and mark them Monday/Tuesday/Wednesday/etc. Throw them all in the freezer and boom, all I had to do when I finished work during the week was walk home, chuck one container in the microwave while I was getting changed, then boom dinner was served. I loved it.

I'd totally like to go back to that method but my wife hates the idea!

I dislike it too for some subconscious reason, and it's a shame because it's just so convenient. Some kind of trauma with food put in plastic. I'm a "visual" guy and the food needs to look freshly made and appetizing. Don't be like me, astronaut planning for the win :D

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Glad to hear from you again, putting aside circumstances. 

The you that wants to please your parents is a fallacy we fall into to avoid taking full ownership for our actions. Clinging to an external expectation or validation makes working towards a goal easier: you don't have to worry about staying motivated or losing your objective, it will depend purely on someone else's feedback. It's something people do all the time and there's no reason to feel ashamed about it. Only be aware of when it happens. 

It's not the same case, but a story for a story: between 10 and 13, my father's problems with alcohol reached a tipping point and he was finally forced to leave my mother's home. Lived for a while in complete isolation in the countryside and then met a colombian woman online. They lived for years almost like beggars in some shady places, Cali, Bogotá's suburbs... saw some shit. Then my grandpa died and they came back desperate for a slice of a cake that wasn't quite so. Now they are living in poverty in a nearby town and aside from some menial conversations our relationship is completely stalled, from my part. I don't have anything to tell him.

What he doesn't know is I'm actually waiting my opportunity to "be something" in life until I feel sure and with some kind of "moral authority" to take over the parent-son relationship and command him to get his shit together under my terms, in exchange for my respect/love and a safe old age under my wing. The arrangement would satisfy my ego and lift the frustration from his abandon. As if to prove him and myself that I can do better, and... therefore didn't deserve what he did, I guess. It's the first time I'm putting this thought into words and I must say it's being kind of intense.

In my case I'm not working for his validation (or the same kind of validation), but in the end its the same, I'm making up the whole movie and taking the role I'm comfortable with for my emotional convenience, without having asked him once about his actual wants and needs. Even if my guess is his needs are not completely... what's the word... altruistic, let's say.

Your father's mistakes are his own, you know that already and there's no need of giving you a gratuitous 'speech'. The best thing is you guys fix your relationship together. Make him part of the process instead of assuming by yourself what is he thinking about you or your worth. What you're currently doing is no less than outsourcing the foundation of your self-steem on a guess placed in the head of someone who can't even confirm it. 

To be honest I'm not sure it will be possible under this very particular circumstances and you probably shouldn't attach emotionally to any particular outcome, but try to take the best from what life deals to you.

Take care man, hope it turns out well for you. We have your back as usual! Looking forward to keep reading you.

Hey Hitaru, likewise :)

I appreciate you sharing and I'm glad we can relate to this. It's not something I've put much thought into or really connected with but I think there is something there. Like when I make a mistake or do something that goes against my values or promises that I hold in my head I become further from my perceived pedastal and I have less integrity which makes me feel weak. This can feel pretty excrutiating at times and other times I minimise it and explain it away so I can avoid the pain.

Yesterday my therapist and I did some exploring and what came up I hadn't thought about, but explains a lot if it's true. The expectations I have for myself are my attempt at rebalancing or offsetting the bad deeds of my parents. Something like I've taken on a quest to right their wrongs through my own good deeds and anytime I fail I feel that pain, but my current behaviour isn't serving that cause well. It's a pretty undeveloped thought but that's the best I can explain it now.

I know they are his mistakes and I am not responsible for them. I know this rationally, but there's a part of me that doesn't understand that and isn't consistent with that which is why I'm excited about that earlier discovery and have more compassion for my situation. It's like there's a disconnection between what I understand consciously and how I act subconsciously.

This is what I’ve tried in the past but what I’d like  to do is avoid cooking in the evenings because I have a 1.5 hour commute and I get home around 7:30 and wake at 5:30. Preferably I’ll cook all my meals on Sunday or something and just heat it or have it prepared for cooking so I don’t feel like I don’t have time. But it is incredible how much money you can save just from food.

I used to do this when I lived by myself about 7 years ago. My commute wasn't the same (I lived 10-15 minutes walk from work), but I got annoyed with the routine of coming home, cooking, cleaning, eating, and then going to bed when it was just me. It just seemed like a waste of effort for one person. So what I ended up doing was going to the markets really early on a Saturday morning (at about 5am), buying my weekly groceries fresh from the growers for about $50 a week, come home and spend the afternoon preparing and cooking all the food in giant pots. Then I bought a pack of takeaway containers from the supermarket (usually around 10 for $4), then portion it into the containers and mark them Monday/Tuesday/Wednesday/etc. Throw them all in the freezer and boom, all I had to do when I finished work during the week was walk home, chuck one container in the microwave while I was getting changed, then boom dinner was served. I loved it.

I'd totally like to go back to that method but my wife hates the idea!

 This is what I'm annoyed with. I'm looking into recipes and stuff for meal prep now, so I'll keep you posted how that goes.

 

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