Rubiroo

I want to avoid this pain because it is so big. I know that it hurts a lot and it makes sense that I do not want to feel it if I can. It’s understandable that if such pain can be avoided that I will. But this is only a temporary measure and isn’t suitable for long term growth. Avoiding the pain works in every moment that I avoid, but that doesn’t address or relieve the pain for the years moving forward. Neglecting this pain inhibits other aspects of my life and is causing a great deal of frustration and pain. To start begin the real work, when I get home this evening I will not go onto YouTube or Facebook. I will have an evening free of my laptop as I focus on the healing that needs to start. I will choose from a few activities to do. One of which will be a walk and later followed by meditation to calm me, then I will attempt the bring the pain into the present and just be with it. The purpose of therapy is to explore experiences in the present and the past to bring up the pain so it may be relived. If I do this outside of therapy then perhaps I can accelerate the process. Currently I have two reminders of recent memory that tell me how big this pain is. One was with two friends in Wellington last year. It was so incredibly difficult to hold in the pain that the dams nearly burst while I was on the bus home. When I got a hug from them what came out was just unbelievable. Unfathomable that something so painful and raw could be sitting within me all this time. The other was after a therapy session where I felt incredibly angry and exhausted. I was walking and barely able to move at one point. Like I was trudging through waist high mud. Every step required so much effort and at one point I stood still in the rain feeling like I could fall there and never get up again. If I don’t relieve myself of this pain I can’t imagine how much heavier it could get. Can’t imagine what another blunder will do to me. I’m already carrying too much. It’s already too heavy. Avoiding this pain just isn’t worth it anymore.

I have a large variety of avoidance tactics and they are great at helping me avoid the pain that resides below. These avoidance techniques are holding me back from being a truly competent person and are making my life miserable. I choose to employ these techniques because I believe that it is better or safer than learning to live with the pain. The purpose for therapy is to get to that pain and feel what has been avoided and repressed. Once that pain has been brought up to the surface and made real once again the goal then becomes to live with that pain. To help me get to that pain I need to write a list of what my avoidance techniques are and update it when I find something new. I need to acknowledge when I am in avoidance mode. In order to do this my phone gives me breathing updates with affirmations which help with checking. Other things I’ve done is ask whether what I’m doing is “productive” but really I’m asking whether I’m avoiding something. Other ways to help with avoidance is to have a more intentional day. Have a routine for when I wake up and when I get home. Those are the times where I’m most vulnerable to checking out. When I discover I am in avoidance mode I want to explore why I am avoiding and what it is that I am. To do this I can write like I am now, just sit and think, get my recorder going and speak out loud, and visualise. I think it’s important to acknowledge that avoidance techniques can be appropriate. But I am not at the point where I can start making exceptions. Practicing requires starting simple and introducing complexity as competency and understanding improves. Start simple and start easy. 1. Write a list of avoidance techniques • Gaming • YouTube • Reading • Podcasts • Surfing • Guitar playing • Food choices • Music 2. Increase awareness of avoidance • Body checking • Phone reminders • Plan a routine 3. Explore what I’m avoiding • Writing • Thinking • Talking 4. Rinse and repeat. I’m in a lot of pain currently. I might be losing my closest friend and other than them I won’t have anyone outside of my family that I can talk to. I’m feeling a deep sense of loneliness and that carries with it a lot of fear. I’m not doubt quite depressed currently and it’s a shame that it takes an event like this to take action, but I made that choice and so they are my consequences that I must take responsibility for. My therapist and I discussed what “processing” really is and that conversation is what sparked all of this. So despite all my hours going into therapy I’m shorting my gains by not taking action to stop the avoidance and be with the pain. I’ve been catching myself in small bouts of sadness throughout the day and trying to tell myself “It’s okay to be sad” and “This is the work. Be with this.” I don’t know if it’s the right thing, but I’m going to have faith in it because the avoiding really isn’t working anymore. All my avoiding is doing now is eroding my life away and the edge of the cliff is just too close for comfort.

Thanks Valar. It’s pretty difficult to acknowledge what I’m doing well when it’s so easy to look at what needs development. I’m having a bit of a down day so far today. Was having an “overall” look at how my life is going and just seems like I’m barely holding it together. I only have one close friend and they live in Germany, I’m more or less dependent on my family and feel more like a parasite than I’m reciprocating value. I’m getting a bit tubby from the supermarket pizzas for dinner and no exercise outside of the walking during my commute and being on my feet all day. I average about 12’000 steps. I keep making mistakes at work which are easily avoidable and I have this fear that my brother is going to get fed up and fire me and kick me out of his house. Hell, I don’t even brush my teeth that often. I’m not happy with where my life is and when I look at what I’m not satisfied with it feels like I’m dancing on the razor’s edge, ready to slip. But, that view doesn’t bring into account the things that are going well for me. I’ve been eating my own cooked lunches and been eating a good breakfast 95% of mornings, I’m not gaming all day every day. I only seem to game when something really stressful is going on, so that’s actually pretty good as it’s no longer a go to whenever I get home or wake up. I’m learning what makes me feel better and I do little things like put the dishes away and tidy the place up and that feels good. I’ve got a reasonably good sleep schedule, it’s just negatively impacted by the dinner I have so I don’t get as good a rest as I could. I wake up feeling quite tired. I think this is a reminder that I need to acknowledge the good things I’m doing in my life so that I don’t focus on what’s wrong constantly and drive myself further down the well.

Thank you. My therapist recently complimented me on my willingness and courage to explore the hard stuff. Was pretty motivating and feel better that I’m not being masochistic about it. I tend to keep the anger in and walk around pissed off or on rare occasions of a small childlike outburst. Sort of like when a child just feels overwhelmed and they just look really frustrated. I had a bit of a bender this weekend. Must’ve played something like 15-20 hours over the weekend. I’m a little disappointed that I did play, but more upset that I didn’t get anything done at home like dishes, washing or my meal prep. Just makes my working week that much harder and it sucks starting the week on a bad foot. Seems like what I’ve been covering in therapy has been harder on me than I give it credit for. I want to think that I can leave those emotions at the door, but if I could I wouldn’t be going to therapy. So if there isn’t much I can do about that, what I can do is keep getting back on the horse and be more compassionate each time. Understand that these are hard topics and gaming has been there to keep me going. To understand that it’s okay to use the crutches when you need them. That doesn’t mean that I use those crutches all the time every time, but perhaps I can learn to ween myself off of them over time.

I start this today feeling pretty good about my general direction. Certainly better than where I was perhaps a month ago. I wrote another post on my blog that describes a fear that seemed formless and omnipotent. It was something of a tyrant in that it dictated what opportunities I would take. In therapy last week I brought up a couple childhood memories and we were able to explore it and see how they impacted my ambition and curiousity. So that exploration has managed to give that fear some form or shape and what that gives me is something to point to when I stumble upon something that might be risky or require some commitment. I feel a sense of mourning and am angry when I look back and recall those opportunities where I couldn’t overcome that fear because it was hiding behind other obstacles, but I knew it was there. But thankfully it doesn’t have to affect me the way it has. I now know what it is and have more power to overcome it because I can see it, watch it and learn how to fight against it. It will never affect me again the way it did and that means I can begin to move forward a bit faster, stumble a little less and be less afraid of the world. For those who would like to read it, here’s a link to my post: http://trotterandtheglobe.com/2017/11/26/what-is-the-source-of-my-fear/

Thanks for your constant feedback. It’s good to have thoughts challenged and they either get reaffirmed, refined or removed. I made a new post on my blog the other day and I’ve been feeling pretty good since that discovery. Seems like therapy has recently provided a lot of hope and that I’m finally making some progress that will be meaningful and stick around. This is my blog for those interested: www.trotterandtheglobe.com

Hmmm. Thanks for your reply. I think I am not taking control of my life and choosing things for myself. To give some context, I’m working for my brother currently and he has mentioned what he’d like to do now that I’m working there. He wants to step out of the general running of the factory and leave that to me while he goes into more of the R&D side of the business and hand over the running of the business to me. He has helped me out a lot since I’ve moved here and I want to try pay back the favour, but this has all been decided for me and it feels like I’m just fulfilling his expectations. This has been somewhat common for me and I’ve often felt like I’m in a river being dictated by it’s current without any influence of my own. I do however recognise that I have influenced my direction in the past and am not at the full mercy of the current. It seems more like I have no direction, but I know sometimes that where I’m going isn’t the right one. No no Willink often talks about “The Path” and that he knows when he is and isn’t on it, but doesn’t know where it’s going. Does that make any sense to you?

So, past couple days I’ve been exploring the idea of external validation and know that I seek out it quite a lot and find it exhausting to not have it internalised. http://www.unstoppablerise.com/how-to-stop-seeking-validation/ I was reading this article and wanted to get your guys thoughts on it here. I think this is somewhat of a core issue for me since it ties into questions like “What are my values”, “What do I want for myself”, “What are my strengths” etc. Because if I rely on external validation for these then they can change on a whim because people have different values and that validation may be inconsistent due to circumstances. Like if I do something well and seek approval or validation, I may get a negative response because they’re having a bad day or something and I’ll assign that to me having done a bad thing, when in reality I did well. So, what have you guys done to internalise validation?

I had a good weekend helping my brother clear out the garage. Now managed to fit the truck in there and rearrange it so there’s space for a workshop. Pretty epic change. Next weekend I’ve got a mate from out of town coming to the Island and we’re going to have a blast. Beer, wine, clay pigeon shooting, fine dining, smashed avo and scenic walks. Get into some poker and surely to have some heated political discussion. Really looking forward to it if the weather holds up So I went through my YouTube and “Not Interested” a whole bunch of gaming videos and channels. Last night I found myself really wanting to watch them again. I noticed thoughts like “I just REALLY want to it!” And felt like a kid again. I didn’t let myself get to explore those thoughts but compromised for a little Netflix and wasn’t too interested in that. This morning I watched a gaming vid and did another “Not Interested” purge. If/when those thoughts come up again I’m going to try explore them a bit and see what comes up. Might help me answer part of my addiction I think. When you guys are really tired at the end of the day, but not enough to go to sleep, what activities do you guys do? I find after work is when I’m most vulnerable to relapsing or making decisions I don’t want to make.

I tricked myself into playing mobile games The justifications and rationalising are strong. “I just want to blob and if I’m going to just watch YouTube, I may as well do something more active.” And when I finish I find I didn’t enjoy it anyway. Was just mindlessness and feign engagement. Like I wasn’t really doing anything despite doing something. I have been gaining more satisfaction from doing things like cleaning and tidying around the house, researching ideas I want to implement and things like that. I’m just finding it difficult to hold the line. When temptation calls, I find that difficult to ignore. “Just buy some pizza. You deserve it!” Whispers the devil in my ear. “Take the night off, grab some ice cream and indulge a bit.” “If you’re just going to watch YouTube you may as well play a game since you’re doing it for the same reason.” I worry that my compassion and curiosity is an excuse for complacency.

The site seemed to not be working for some reason on my phone, but alas I have returned I think I’ve figured out the format I want to do for my blog. It’ll be a weekly update which will serve as a summary and review of key moments from the previous week and what my focus(es) will be for the following week. I’ll have weekly goals that I work towards every week and they could be catered to serve larger goals. The aim will be to follow through with the goal(s) but I will still allow for other issues that I discover to be addressed too. My focuses for this week are hydration and awareness of how I feel after eating my foods. I don’t eat very healthily for the most part and am having a hard time with maintaining discipline around cooking. So, I’m instead trying to teach myself the costs and benefits of eating unhealthily so when I come about making the decision, I’m hoping I will pick up some reasons not to that aren’t shameful. Shaming myself tends to encourage eating poorly. The hydration is to help with work performance as I can’t afford to work inefffectively and make poor decisions. I want to be more alert and have more energy so I don’t make silly little shortcuts and assumptions that result in expensive mistakes.

So my brother and I have a change of plans for today. Instead we’re going to work for the day and later we’re going to go hang out for a bit. Really looking forward to that. I love spending time with him and if it means doing stuff I don’t particularly enjoy doing to get that time with him, so be it. I’m quite nervous about doing the vlogging, but will do it. The worry I have is that I appear as an authority or lead someone down the wrong path somehow, but that isn’t my fault and I can’t take responsibility for that. I’m going to make an introduction video of sorts to layout the intention and framework of the vlogs and I think that’ll alleviate the worry. The other concern I have is that I want to get it perfect first try, which I realise is unrealistic. I’ve got an app on my phone that sends me quotes that I like and one that I wrote was “Progress doesn’t start with perfection. Progress starts with practice.” And it’s a good reminder. When starting something new I get stuck researching as much as I can about the “right” way to do it, or I don’t start at all knowing how much work it’ll take to get to a result I find acceptable. Overcoming this hesitation will be a pretty critical achievement for me.

Appreciate the ideas Gibliets. How long ago were you in The Squad? I was in there early-mid this year. I think getting outside is a good idea. I went for a walk instead of watching YouTube felt pretty good. I’ve also been getting into more chores around the house and actually enjoying those for the most part. I’ve been liking the cleanliness and more oraganised environment and been finding it somewhat therapeutic.

I had a pretty good day yesterday. Finished late at work and grabbed some guilt free fish and chips for dinner. I’ve arranged my money so that I do have a little sanity money where I buy guilt free things Certainly felt better buying it that way than when I haven’t felt like I earned it. I’ll be back to grilling a chicken breast for dinner tonight. I still get urges to play games, but they’re not as strong as they used to be. The last two Saturdays I’ve played games and was more curious as to why I did rather than be judgemental and feel shame. I was talking in the StopGaming Discord and was talking about starting up a vlogging series where I share my thoughts, challenges etc like I have here. I want to do it with the aim that my sharing will help others and encourage them to do the same. It’ll probably be hard, but it would include my failures and ideally it’ll keep me accountable to my own progress and keep me from getting complacent. They’ll be posted on my own website and I’ll link it here and do a quick summary. Anyone know if that’s a breach of conditions or anything?

I’ve been thinking about what activities I’d like to do to replace my gaming and substitute in for the majority of my YouTube consumption and I’m getting a little stuck. There are some activities I’d like to do like writing, playing guitar, some song-writing and considering making some videos but activities like these don’t seem inherently productive and that’s where I’m getting stuck. I have other activities in mind which I see have potential financial benefits like coding, app development or getting into other digital markets but am stuck on what to do when I want to be a little creative. I find myself having a sense of guilt if I engage in those activities and have a voice that says “This isn’t productive”. It’s like I have to replace non-productive activities with only productive activities. I know that it’s good to have creative outlets and I enjoy the activities mentioned above, but that sense of guilt deters me from doing them What’re your thoughts?