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Freshman Exiting Addiction by Luxo


LuxoLamp
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RESPAWN Journal No 1

Day 4 of detox.

Other Kinds of Addiction

 

            While this is my first journal post, this is my fourth day on detox. The primary reason for the delay was because I was writing my introductory post.

 

Over the past few days, I have not exactly eaten healthier due to a wonderful Christmas Eve dinner with my family (J), but I have been able to work out more often. Perhaps the most drastic change for me has been my willingness to go on social outings more often. After becoming more reclusive during my first semester in college, I was afraid that many of my college friends would not respond to my texts. I was pleasantly surprised to find otherwise. I even reached out to some of my local friends. Today I went out with a friend from college I’ve known for nearly 7 months now who I’ll call John. John and I had met in a meet up group I had arranged when college decisions came out. John is kind, a little laid back, and very creative. He is a talented musician which threatens me, but it shouldn’t. I think this is because I can be so competitive. Both of those skills along with his freewheeling speech about “getting with chicks” made me feel uncomfortable, albeit, I was still happy to see him. We saw a good movie together. Before the movie, we had lunch. After a few minutes of talking casually, I told him that I had an extra ticket to a basketball game. He said that he’d love to go like it wasn’t a big deal that I was giving him a free ticket. During lunch, he casually mentioned that he was doing a lot of drugs. He then showed me his vaping pen for the weed. I laughed because it felt appropriate despite my discomfort. I knew that John had gone to the health center on campus after drinking ten beers in a row and did large amounts of weed. John proceeded to talk to me about how he was going to see his ex-girlfriend who also does drugs after nearly two years of not having contact with each other on Wednesday. I spoke less during the conversation, preferring to listen and ask questions.

            When we arrived at the movie theater, I felt a little tense and went to the bathroom. When I came up the escalator, I noticed him vaping the weed in a corner. I pretended not to notice. I enjoyed the movie. During the movie, he kept adjusting in his chair and shaking his leg. After the movie, I made a quick exit back home despite his invitation to hang out at one of his friend’s apartments. On the train home, I felt unsure about whether I had made the right choice inviting John to the basketball game. John liked me, but I wasn’t sure if John was a good influence despite his kind disposition. I felt insecure and unsure what to do. I’m not going to take back my invitation because John is my friend, but the uncertainty remains. As I am going through the process of hopefully exiting my own addiction, I felt strange witnessing my close friend in the grips of another kind.

 

Best,

Luxo

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Nice job starting the journal, I enjoyed reading it and I'll be looking forward to reading along.

Although it seems you do find John to be a good friend, those are some odd and weird interactions in my personal opinion. A person to exclaim that they do drugs, to not be thankful for a free basketball ticket, and to have some of the issues he seems to have, I personally wouldn't want to involve myself too much with that person.

Of course I'm sure he has his good qualities as a friend, I would like to say if I were in your position I would remain a good friend but perhaps not go out of my way to spend any more time with him.

 

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RESPAWN Journal No 2

Day 5 of detox.

 

Title: Talking about it

 

            So, today, I finalized my elimination of all distracting sites from my computer, completed a thorough schedule for my next semester in college, and opened up to my uncle about my issues with Video Games. I installed some of the suggested blockers from Cam. It felt a little strange blocking all of the sites, including some of the video game info sites like Kotaku. After, however, I felt relieved. I got rid of the majority of porn websites and game websites too. I also spent a large amount of time organizing my schedule for the next semester in college using Google Calendar. Last semester, one of the reasons I fell into gaming was my lack of organized structure. As Cam says, having an agenda is certainly key. Finally, I went to a movie with my uncle. As I opened up to him about my addiction with video games, he told me about his college difficulties and addiction issues as well. Its really good to know that honesty in this way to the right people can lead to deeper relationships formed on mutual experiences.

            Thanks again.

 

Best,

Luxo

Shoutouts:

@Cam Adair Thanks for this fantastic opportunity and your well thought out guide. Its been very helpful and the results have been tangible so quickly.

@phpsmith Thanks for the advice and I'll be sure to be writing more about my relationship with John in the future.

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I like the dog. :)

Oh and about helping someone who is addicted.

A minister was talking to a group of us young people who had been through the 60s time of drug use.  He said helping someone else was like standing on a chair and reaching down below your feet to pull them up on the chair with you.  It's much easier for them to pull you off than for you to pull them up.

 

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RESPAWN Journal No 3

Day 6 of detox.

Day 6 of No Youtube. @Pierce (Thanks for this new addition to my journal)

Title: Hard Day’s Work

            Today I stayed inside all day. However, I didn’t play video games and I didn’t watch YouTube. Something else I didn’t do today was read comics. Every Wednesday for the past five months, I would go online and read nearly every single new comic that came out. This process would always take at least two to four hours. The entire day today, I was thinking about reading comic books.

Instead, I read my psychology textbook to see if I still wanted to take the course. I read the textbook for six hours. It was dope. I didn’t read any textbook for more than fifty pages while in college due to my gaming, YouTube, and comics. So … I made flashcards and everything for the reading. #OnceANerdAlwaysANerd.

            Also, I got sushi for dinner which was amazing. I will be posting some origami photos soon.

            Thanks for all the fantastic support.

Best,

Luxo

Shoutouts:

@Reno F Thanks, I used this fantastic app called Prism to get the effect.

@dandielionous I thought your advice about the minister was useful. I know that it’s not my job to help John, but I feel compelled to say something when I’m around. If I’m going to get away from my own addiction, I should give myself some time away from him. Maybe later, I can be of better use.

@Cam Adair Thanks for the continual support. Honesty has been key. My honesty about gaming addiction has helped me be more open in so many more ways that I initially imagined.

 

            

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Title: Hard Day’s Work

 

            Today I stayed inside all day. However, I didn’t play video games and I didn’t watch YouTube. Something else I didn’t do today was read comics. Every Wednesday for the past five months, I would go online and read nearly every single new comic that came out. This process would always take at least two to four hours. The entire day today, I was thinking about reading comic books.

 

Instead, I read my psychology textbook to see if I still wanted to take the course. I read the textbook for six hours. It was dope. I didn’t read any textbook for more than fifty pages while in college due to my gaming, YouTube, and comics. So … I made flashcards and everything for the reading. #OnceANerdAlwaysANerd.

Well, believe me, that you're not alone in this world. We just have something similar with reading textbooks!

I'm just more focused on Science and you're more on psychology, but still we're kinda like a textbookworms! :D

#OnceANerdAlwaysANerd

Be proud of that!

Greetings, Mad Pharmacist

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Great job! When I quit gaming, I had a hard time focusing for the first few days, but being able to read a textbook as you did must mean you have pretty good focus already! Or the content was really appealing. Either way, doesn't it feel great?

Keep it up.

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I was thinking about reading comic books.

Instead, I read my psychology textbook to see if I still wanted to take the course.

THAT'S the thought process! recognising your behaviour and doing something about it. you should be a little bit proud about this.

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RESPAWN Journal No 4

 

Day 7 & 8 of detox.

 

Day 7 & 8 of No Youtube

 

Title: Repeat

 

            I had difficulty sleeping last night. I kept seeing visions from snippets of comics, porn, and video games. They weren’t necessarily telling me to play games, rather than reminding me of all of my insecurities and inabilities. I am getting better at resisting temptation. I was curious, how can I get rid of this attitude of “if I screw up once, I lose all progress”?

 

            I practically did the exact same thing as yesterday, I worked hard, arranged more of my schedule, and read another chapter of psychology. Today it was about genetics, DNA, natural selection, and the evolution of behavior. I’m interested in the psychology of surrender as a positive factor. I’ll elaborate more later.

 

            Also, made a crane and a box out of paper. Also, did my usual workout.

 

 

 

Title: Friend and Worry

 

            I got to see my friend from high-school today which was nice. We got pizza and ice-cream. He had done well during the quarter which did make me feel a little insecure, but I told him about my troubles and he was kind. Afterwards, I went and got a small gift for a friend at a comic store. I read three comic books afterwards. I didn’t read twelve to fifteen like I’d usually do. Just three. However, I’m going to be especially cautious after this not to seek out fantasy. I’m reading this great book called How to Win Friends and Influence People by Dale Carnegie. It’s not about dominance and manipulation, it’s about being more honest, sincere, and appreciative of other people

 

            On a completely different note, one program which has been very helpful to me has been Freedom. Freedom is a computer downloaded software which completely shuts down all internet on both my computer and phone. I only use it when I’m going to sleep, so that I’m not tempted to use the internet or game at night. I’d really recommend it, it’s a good investment.

 

           

 

            Thanks everyone.

 

 

 

Best,

 

Luxo

 

Shoutouts:

@Pierce Sorry for responding on my feed. Wow that’s sooooo cool. I didn’t even know about the multitude of dances and that they fell under separate umbrellas. Looking forward to the class even more now.

@hycniejsy Once a textbook worm always a textbook worm

@phpsmith it does. J

@Zeilow Thanks. Still working though.

 

 

 

 

Edited by LuxoLamp
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Freedom sounds great - good pick. I won't grab it because I need the internet for my career (hard to do software development without it) but I'd be super tempted to if that weren't the case.

Great choice of books too, I haven't read the entire thing, but I really do enjoy those types of books. If I read a fantasy book, I tend to get super involved, I feel reading self help/productivity/business books I feel a lot better about my time spent sitting and reading.

I didn't realize you were doing no YouTube as well, good on you.

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I’m reading this great book calledHow to Win Friends and Influence People by Dale Carnegie.

I'm currently reading this book too.

Edited by Shine Magical
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RESPAWN Journal No 4

Round 2: Day 1

 

Day 10 of No Youtube

 

Title: So so so so so so Angry

 

 

            I am enraged right now. I am angry for a multitude of reasons. I had a great New Year’s Day with my family including my first Monopoly victory. However, I’ve had a rage simmering inside me all since yesterday. It was the last time I would see me girlfriend for perhaps six months. I’m really mad that I can’t see her for a while since my college is far away. However, I’m also mad that I suggested with her friends that we play Wii Resort at her house. Wii Resort, really? Wii Resort? All of the games on that disk suck and most are hard to play with multiple players. I played for about fifteen minutes before realizing that none of us were having fun. So, I suggested a card game and we ended up playing Uno. Gah! I broke a nearly ten day commitment and broke my concentration from my girlfriend for a horrible Wii game which wasn’t even fun. I suppose a small victory is in realizing that the game wasn’t even fun. However, I was so mad at myself. I still am.

 

            Also, in my former high school group chat, the kid who I hated the most or who was the biggest frenemy ever, was challenging everyone in the chat to those new Facebook messenger games. I wanted to crush that kid. So, I played for about 10 minutes before realizing that I wasn’t going to spend three hours upgrading my character to beat his high score. I was frustrated again that I played a video game and frustrated that I didn’t beat him. Both events happened yesterday.

 

            I’m terrified of telling my parents that I played video games because if I don’t show a clear indication of “improvement” they aren’t going to send me back to college next semester. I have only a few days left.

 

            Today, after church, my mother encouraged me to pray with the minister. I had done this before with another minister and despite initial resistance, I did it and felt better. This time, it felt unnecessary. I know I have been speaking up with other people about my issues with gaming, but this felt weird, bizarre, and almost invasive. I knew that the pastor wouldn’t criticize me or be mean. However, I did so minus the prayer anyway.

 

            So, every day I have been writing down my schedule in a book. I’ve been reading and writing as well to improve. All of this has been on my own accord. Yet, when one of the apps K9 malfunctioned and I couldn’t reach RESPAWN forum, they immediately went onto the internet to find another site blocker. This completely messed up my schedule. I understand, I systematically lied to my parents' faces about my college experience while playing video games. I also understand, that it’s perfectly acceptable to receive help when in need. I understand that I’m in need. However, I still felt great anger at their debunking of my schedule. It's immature I’m sure. My mom even apologized and I was hard and cold towards her. I felt ashamed, but I was even more afraid that my worry would show.

 

            Honesty is key.

 

Appreciation is key.

 

Improving is key.

 

Fixing one’s mistakes and moving on is key.

 

            Yet, now its 2017, and I’m still scared of messing up. 

Thank you, everyone.

 

Best,

Luxo

Shoutouts:

 

@Shine Magical It’s really great.

 

@Cam Adair Pleasure as always.

 

 

Edited by LuxoLamp
Grammar
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Hey man, 

I think it is incredibly impressive that you were capable of realising that you actually didn't want to play those games. Of course it is a shame that you broke your streak, but it seems to me that you only played the first game to entertain your girlfriends friends, rather than to entertain yourself, and as soon as you saw how unentertaining it was, you suggested something actually fun. It also seems like the other game wasn't planned at all, and it looks like you just played it without thinking, and as soon as you did think you immediatly quit. I really believe these two relapses can help you think clearer in the future. I think/hope you will be able to look back in the future and remember how foolish and angry you were at yourself afterwards.

As far as I can tell, most relapses in this forum lasts for at least several hours, where as you limited yours to 15 minutes and 10 minutes. I really do find that admireable. Especially since you were the one to stop yourself, even though you could have kept playing.

I wish you the best of luck with the new streak! :-)

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RESPAWN Journal No 6

 

Round 2: Day 2

Day 11 of No Youtube

 

Title: Basketball

 

            I told my parents about my slip up. They said that everything was alright and that honesty was always an improvement. I also resolved some confusions I had with my girlfriend.

            Today was a fun day. I got to go see a basketball game today with my friends. I also did a short workout.

            I was talking to my mom today about the power of language. Something that I said a lot when I was starting this project was that I was afraid of breaking my “streak”. However, as my mom pointed out a streak always ends. By classifying playing video games as a streak, I was unconsciously expecting an end to my video game ban. I’m not having a streak; I’m continuing a commitment. We are committing, and not creating a disappearing streak.

Thank you everyone.

 

Best,

 

Luxo

 

Shoutouts:

 

@Cam Adair Thanks for the support.

@qwethm987 Thanks for the insight.

 

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RESPAWN Journal No 7

Round 2: Day 3

Day 12 of No Youtube

Title: Reunion and Workout

            Today, and yesterday, I spent seven hours reading and making flash cards on a psychology chapter. I’ve been trying to increase my attention span through reading. While I haven’t seen any immediate effects yet, I’m hopeful.

            I went to a high school reunion today. Had some ice cream and spoke with my high school teachers. It was nice. I got to learn about some French movies from my French teachers. I also spoke to a kid who is attending my current college about rushing. I was curious about whether I should join a frat or not. 

            After that, I did my first squash practice in about a month. After squash practice on court, I did a 24-minute workout. It felt great to be back on court and working out again fully. When I don’t workout, I feel tense. 

            Over the days, I feel mostly an urge to watch porn rather than video games or YouTube. Yeah? 

            Also, I got some Korean food.  

 

Best,

 

Luxo

 

Shoutouts:

 

@Cam Adair Thanks man

 
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RESPAWN Journal No 8

Round 3: Day 1

Day 13 of No Youtube

Title: Slip up and Crispr

 

            After seeing an ad on Facebook, I re-downloaded and played for about forty minutes a Star Wars game called “Galaxy of Heroes.” I was less mad about this relapse this time, because again I immediately deleted the app from my phone and resolved to improve next time. I am committed to this no matter how many mistakes I make along the way.

            However, I’m still trying to stop watching porn. I think I’m still attracted to porn because I feel isolated sexually, even though I slept with several girls the first quarter. As I respect myself more and more, the urge to watch porn decreases. Despite this, going cold turkey on pornography is hard. I’m still keeping touch with my girlfriend and just seeing her face makes me happy.

            Also, I got to read some fantastic articles on virtual reality which I really recommend:

            http://www.newyorker.com/magazine/2016/04/25/making-movies-with-virtual-reality

            http://www.nytimes.com/2016/11/06/magazine/want-to-know-what-virtual-reality-might-become-look-to-the-past.html

            I also took a leap of faith and attended a Lecture at a nearby museum on Crispr, a type of gene editing, and its possible implications against mosquitoes. I also ran into some kids I knew which was nice. Despite some initial awkwardness, I was able to talk with them pretty well. When they remained a little silent, I took part in a silly ice-breaking card game. I helped my team win a wonderful prize: super hero themed rubber ducks (I chose the batman one). One student, helped my team, while the other, did not. However, at the end, the second kid took a prize as well. This annoyed me for a while since he didn’t even bother to get out of his chair to play the game. However, I realized my own progress in applying myself to a social situation rather than getting trapped in a game. I also realized, that the second kid was simply feeling awkward for not participating and needed some sort of validation. I then felt more compassion for him.

            I hope to keep improving and feel more compassion around me.

 

Best,

Luxo

Shoutouts:

@Cam Adair Thanks for the positivity

 


 

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I've noticed a lot of those ads as well. I was apparently immune to them before, but now since I'm relatively profiled I assume from browsing history, they are common. I usually flip past them as fast as I can and don't give them more than a second, otherwise I feel like some sort of temptation is occurring.

Good job on being honest with your parents about the slip up. I find honesty is the best course with the gaming addiction, if you slip up a little move on. Just realize what you did, know why you're doing it, and keep on the detox.

You're doing great :)

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