Koolman's journal

[Koolman]

Hey guys I want to do a journal for this process I think its important to keep track of how I feel about gaming in general. A bit about myself I am the type of guy who has quit gaming then came back then quit again then came back then now quit again. I feel a little trapped(I know that sounds desperate but my situation is less desperate then it sounds trust me)

As of today I am 73 days no gaming and still going by the way I am typing all of this on a gaming PC with steam installed(Ya I am literally staring into the eyes of the beast and saying IS THAT ALL YOU GOT!!) My games are still there I only uninstalled them but if I really wanted to I could download them again and play. I am afraid to sell this PC or get rid of it because like I said I have quit then come back then quit again. What if I want to come back and I got rid of my very expensive gaming PC this thing cost $1000 not a lot of people would tell me that its a smart idea to sell the thing. SO I am stuck at an impasse. What if I still want gaming later? or what if there is this new totally awesome super game? I Don't Know I am scared to be honest. But Like Cam says wait 90 days then decide if you still want gaming I am not 90 days yet so whatever I just have to wait and see.

 

Why do I want to quit well:/

I had a big problem with gaming. I would play till almost 2 maybe even 3 a.m starting from the morning at maybe 10:00 a.m maybe earlier. I would be motivated to wake up earlier for what well not work but for more time to game. I imagine my parents were disgustingly disappointed in me and I hated to disappoint them especially since they saw me quit then come back a few times as well. I literally sold my Xbox one a few months before I bought a gaming PC before that I had other quit then come back history Its like I just cant be consistent even if I go 90 days so as you can understand I don't really want to sell this just in case that happens again. TO be fair I didn't know about GAME QUITTERS back then I don't think it was around so that's something new I have this time but I don't know if that will be it.

I remember just laying down on the floor being suicidal depressed probably(I was depressed that's for sure) I had quit gaming hadn't played in a while but finally I couldn't take it and downloaded steam again after almost a year of having it deleted.

1.SO I think I want a more controlled and organized life at least. If gaming is going to be there it cant get in the way of my obligations and other things.

2. Dopamine resensitivity: Well based on some of the science I heard about gaming can jack up dopamine levels in an unnatural way for doing nothing pretty much. This is not good because if dopamine levels are raised too high and stay that high for a long amount of time then that can mess up our sensitivity to dopamine. Basically Imagine if there was this bad smell in your house that you got used to. A normal person would notice the smell cause they aren't used to it but you cant cause you have been constantly exposed to that strong small for a long amount of time Hence your sensitivity to that smell has been lost.

So with dopamine because we are used too a constantly long dopamine hit through gaming our brains cant really sense other smaller versions of dopamine like looking at flowers and a nice sunset as someone who doesn't have their dopamine levels jacked up as a video game or even worse porn addict would. Having dopamine levels be at a good natural pace like past generations did would be a lot healthier and would also make living a normal life a lot more enjoyable.

http://yourbrainonporn.com/list-internet-video-game-brain-studies

the above link a source to some scientific studies on gaming's affects on the brain.

Those are my two reasons I may expand more soon but this is good enough for me as of right now.  

   

Edited December 18, 2016 by Koolman

[dandielionous]

@Koolman Welcome.  I am checking out the link on dopamine.

I don't know why everyone keeps acting as though 90 days is the end of it.  90 days is the beginning.  It may be the end of detoxing our brains from overdose of dopamine I don't know.  But I know that when I belonged to AA they said don't try to start a relationship for a year.  Some advised five years.

It takes a while to put our lives back together.  Everything isn't hunky dory magically at the end of 90 days.  But it's a great place to start!

On 73 days  

[Cam Adair]

Congrats on 73 days so far! That's awesome. Journaling will help a lot.

[Reno F]

Welcome in, Koolman!

[Mad Pharmacist]

@Koolman How are you doing right now? Are you playing or not?

[Koolman]

@Koolman How are you doing right now? Are you playing or not?

Day 84

So there has been temptation to play I literally have steam installed and am journaling this on a gaming PC( wow talk about walking on a tight wire) but I don't want to go back until at least 90 days I am 6 days away. I also have been almost 2 months without youtube. YouTube watching was a big bad habit for me that was hard to brake. I'm glad though that I have gone this long without it. I don't think I want to sell my gaming PC cause This is not the first time I quit games then came back. If I come back I don't want to have to buy a whole other system I will already have one. Plus I think its a waste to just delete steam and sell my Pc that was 1000 dollars. Maybe I will change my mind on this.

Anyways I want to get the stuff I have to do done and I want to be a better person and hopefully improve myself bit by bit with all of this.

[Cam Adair]

Good job Koolman. It's not a waste to sell your PC just because you spent money on it. It was an investment you made that you enjoyed for a period of time but now you have different priorities. It's a waste of time to continue gaming - just to avoid "wasting" money you've spent - when you know it's not aligned with your goals in life. There's a term called the sunk cost fallacy if you're not familiar with it, check it out.

[Koolman]

Good job Koolman. It's not a waste to sell your PC just because you spent money on it. It was an investment you made that you enjoyed for a period of time but now you have different priorities. It's a waste of time to continue gaming - just to avoid "wasting" money you've spent - when you know it's not aligned with your goals in life. There's a term called the sunk cost fallacy if you're not familiar with it, check it out.

Thanks I decided to sell it the only issue is the issue I had at the beginning what do I do now i mean I am way passed 90 days like 140 something idk. But I'm not sure of what to do I don't have myself together I mean I have some purpose that religion gives me but still MAAN I feel like I can't even do that right or properly. I am trying to pull myself together and become a better man but i don't know. It feels like I will be the way I was before games the mayor of losersville, depressed, wanting something to do but with gaming gone nothing to do. 

I relapsed to YouTube couldn't go 90 days without it went like 70 something maybe less maybe more. Social media as well relapsed there. I am a mess probably the worst mess out there. I still have the urge to play games I just distract myself with internet use that's all. 

Wish everyone well. Hopefully I get better. I am at least happy that this time when I quit games I have GAME QUITTERS something I didn't have before. Which is awesome. I can write out how I feel if I feel like getting into games again etc.. honestly though this time I feel like quitting permanently. Like I haven't gone a year without gaming since I was I don't know maybe 5 probably a bit before that. Even when I did quit I never really had the intention I think to never play again. It was always for a short period of time the longest of which was like 9 months or a bit more. I always wanted to live in a similar fashion as I did then as a kid with my innocence and strength. Maybe this year I can go the whole year without it the 1st time in a LONG TIME. The issue is finding purpose in living again which will be kind of hard but I guess I can do that and it is definitely worth a try.

 

[Cam Adair]

Good job Koolman. It's not a waste to sell your PC just because you spent money on it. It was an investment you made that you enjoyed for a period of time but now you have different priorities. It's a waste of time to continue gaming - just to avoid "wasting" money you've spent - when you know it's not aligned with your goals in life. There's a term called the sunk cost fallacy if you're not familiar with it, check it out.

Thanks I decided to sell it the only issue is the issue I had at the beginning what do I do now i mean I am way passed 90 days like 140 something idk. But I'm not sure of what to do I don't have myself together I mean I have some purpose that religion gives me but still MAAN I feel like I can't even do that right or properly. I am trying to pull myself together and become a better man but i don't know. It feels like I will be the way I was before games the mayor of losersville, depressed, wanting something to do but with gaming gone nothing to do. 

I relapsed to YouTube couldn't go 90 days without it went like 70 something maybe less maybe more. Social media as well relapsed there. I am a mess probably the worst mess out there. I still have the urge to play games I just distract myself with internet use that's all. 

Wish everyone well. Hopefully I get better. I am at least happy that this time when I quit games I have GAME QUITTERS something I didn't have before. Which is awesome. I can write out how I feel if I feel like getting into games again etc.. honestly though this time I feel like quitting permanently. Like I haven't gone a year without gaming since I was I don't know maybe 5 probably a bit before that. Even when I did quit I never really had the intention I think to never play again. It was always for a short period of time the longest of which was like 9 months or a bit more. I always wanted to live in a similar fashion as I did then as a kid with my innocence and strength. Maybe this year I can go the whole year without it the 1st time in a LONG TIME. The issue is finding purpose in living again which will be kind of hard but I guess I can do that and it is definitely worth a try.

I would suggest setting goals and surrounding yourself by a group of people who can support you with that on a more regular basis. Obviously the forum can help you with that, but having even more accountability will make a big difference. Without goals you lack focus and direction, and without those it's hard to find motivation, or a reason why you should even pursue a life beyond gaming in the first place. So I would definitely start there. What are 1-3 goals you have in the next 3 months. Not watching YouTube is cool... but then what? What do you want to do with that time instead? So those are some ideas you can implement.

I'm launching a mastermind group soon that will meet on a weekly basis to talk about our goals and challenges to support each other to succeed in them. If you're interested in that, apply here. No pressure or anything, just an idea if that's something you resonate with. 

[Koolman]

I wrote a poem here about why I want to quit

everytime i gamed I wasted time in the real world 

everytime i gamed I would rush my life 

everytime i gamed I would try to do my chores and things fast

never really took the time to look at my past

always rushing everything like my games wouldn't last

those stupid games made me lose potential which was vast

my family and friends didn't see much of me

i would rush all the time that could of been quality 

from my dear loved ones and my dear family

i would quickly eat  my food  then play call of duty

then I slowly realized this is not what I want to be

i have to do better for me

this stuff hurts your eyes it doesn't help you see

see im wasting your time not reaching my aims

i don't want to go to gamestop and buy games

wasting my time and forgetting all the people's names. 

Wanting to play games so I'm  rushing my Son James

this is lame!

i could be doing something else and reaching fame.

investing in talent or maybe quality time

with my family and friends or making this rhyme 

working harder at work turning my nickle into a dime

maybe I'm lonely I'm a lonely lemon maybe I should find a lime

but wasting all this time is a crime.

it hurts my brain  my whole system is affected

im sitting down and my body is being neglected

its no wonder I get rejected 

thats why I need to quit this with some time invested 

don't tell me it's just hobby! You just need some control 

no it isn't cause I want to reach my potential 

i have to quit and go through the struggle 

its hard but it's how people before me lived

they didn't have video games like I did

they struggled and workedand did great things

thats why when I play those games  my heart stings

cause I'm not living the way they used to like kings

reaching their goals and flying with wings

this is what I always wanted

Now that I know about game quitters i think I got it

It helped me see I'm not alone and I can get guidance 

i don't have to be by myself and do pure self reliance 

no more not being with people and living in silence

living In pure isolation and no real human connection

laughing over the mic and they won't even mention

that they are wasting time and not paying attention

to all the other creative things they could be doing 

with their time and and that they can be moving

helping each other reach their goals

making real connections and not empty holes

holes of sitting and doing nothing cause none of its real

no real things being done what's the big deal?

they can go out somewhere and go have a meal

at least here they can talk and see each other's zeal

socialize and realize and see how they feel

they might say though what's the big deal?

its just a few hours of our life?

nobody's gonna steal 

the problem is you could have a wife

a family and why fill it with strife

wasting time like cutting it with a knife.

but your right it's your life but the best for you is to live

live in reality and give!

there is so much you could do and help out with too 

find some people to serve something good to do

if your lucky it will help you grow some nerve 

you can turn around now and make that curve

thats what I'm going to do and live differently now

you don't think it can be done I'll show you how!

so today I change 

my life I rearrange 

I'll  try this again I won't stay trapped in a cage 

inside is filled with rage 

but I'll fix that it's time to engage

i want to finally be a real man I'm  at that age. 

So I want to thank cam for inspiring this stage

if it wasn't for his work  I would be stuck in games being a mage 

In some dumb game maybe a sage

but I'm not I have been inspired 

thanks cam don't you dare retire!

there is passion in this there is fire

there is a lot of potential in this and the need is dire

and now Change is what I desire

lets start now and make our future brighter.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Edited March 18, 2017 by Koolman

[Koolman]

I was going to play video games yesterday but then I remembered this forum and the commitment I made. I decided to wait and now I don't feel the need to play as much. Most video games are about killing anyways which gets boring. 

I have made a YouTube channel and have been getting involved with it. It has brought a lot of passion into my life. I want to improve myself in other ways too. 

So I am still on my streak which at this point is 7 months. It's a good thing I uninstalled my games before setting off on this journey otherwise I would have broke this streak. My highest streak since I was a kid(maybe 7 years old) without games is 9 months. I don't think that has a healthy influence on the brain maybe. Just my opinion.

Edited May 21, 2017 by Koolman

[Koolman]

Relapsed for around 3 days. but I sort of expected it to happen. I uninstalled my games again but I am thinking of uninstalling steam entirely. I might give it some time but I expect these days at most this month to be my last days with gaming. Honestly games to me these days aren't really that great anyways. They're all about killing and shooting mostly. It gets boring. Why waste your time with the same thing over and over. It's like "Oh my God this zombie game! I get too shoot, and  stab zombies!" 

Next year

"OMG this zombie game I get to shoot, kill and shoot zombies"

one year later"Omg I get too.. kill.. zombies?" Man it's a scam if nothing else helps you quit, then how about the fact that in my opinion your pretty much being scammed these days with video games. Gamers these days are being scammed for money. You pay 60$ for half a game then after a month charged a load of money for a bunch of extra stuff(dlc) that should already be in the game. You know what I might post about this on a different post/topic.

Anyways when I relapsed I could see how addicted I was. I didn't even want to eat because I was too addicted to playing the game I was playing (if that's not addicted Idk what is) .I would say ok I'll turn it off at 3 pm, Then  12:00 am, Okay 1 hour more. All the while thinking about other things I could have been doing. I snapped out of it eventually and uninstalled everything except steam.  

 

Edited May 27, 2017 by Koolman

[Cam Adair]

Glad you managed to get yourself back on track. What caused you to relapse this time?

[EndOfAnEra]

It is good that you caught yourself and cut it off. Maybe you should consider selling your PC, or at least pulling the GPU out of it (assuming your CPU/Mobo can do graphics since most do nowadays). Put it in a box somewhere or sell it off at least. Add an extra step to just the time it takes to download a game. You may have spent $1k on the PC, but maybe you can sell it off for $700 or so? put that money towards a laptop or something. Or if you prefer the PC, maybe strip it down to a basic PC and sell off what you can and buy a barebones Kindle or something if you want to read more and it doesn't have the features of tablets for other media or phone type games.

I also enjoyed the sentiments in your poem, especially those about rushing everything in your life and the preoccupation of thoughts. Hearing that makes me thing I was more addicted than I'd admit.

[Koolman]

Glad you managed to get yourself back on track. What caused you to relapse this time?

thanks cam for your continued support man. Oof it was nothing to do and lack of motivation to do other things. Lack of motivation to read, exercise etc.. I saw you exercise story with the guy who transformed himself it sort of inspired me but It's just with exercise this is how I see it ok :

i exercise it takes lots of time and consistency. I gain some muscle, let's say I do it for a few months then gain some muscle but then I stop, I lose it all! So it's like pointless or I get old or get injured it's like eventually no matter how hard you work your just going to lose it. 

See that's what the other addicting thing about video games is, isn't it cam? All the progress you make it doesn't get lost, so it doesn't feel pointless (man sounds like I hit the jackpot in my psychology and why I play games) like in rpgs or other games you level up you get stronger more powerful eventually the most powerful in the game. As long as you save it those achievements stay and never go away. Unlike here in the real world and in this case exercise. You should make a video addressing this if you haven't already or at least a response to help with this. It adds to your point of constant measureable growth, the fact that this growth appears permanent and not temporary unlike many things in life.Thanks man.

Edited June 9, 2017 by Koolman

[Cam Adair]

You're focused on the external results, instead of the internal ones. Getting "fit" is only a bonus from exercise. The real value is the improvement to your daily energy, psychological and physical health. The process of exercising guarantees gains in those areas every day.

[Koolman]

Day 0

relapsed, but I finally uninstalled steam. I also am not the admin on my computer, so luckily I cant install it back. So I can say its gone for good. I am sort of sad though.

And for you guys to understand what kind of milestone this is for me, I have not uninstalled steam since I got this PC. So this is huge. This means I am closing the possibilities.

However there is temptation for me to download it and play the last game that I played but that's why I went here I guess. This website reminds me of the commitment I made and how I have to improve. Also like I said I cant download it anyways as of right now, so there is no point. I guess I can exercise for improvement, Idk what to do, but I feel like this is the first step.

 

[Onlysoul]

Pay attention to your new habits, way of living and so on. Past is past. You have only present moment. Dont think about relapses. Just move on and make what do you want and what is good for you! You are good enough! We are here to support you! Feel free PM or ICQ 

[Mettermrck]

As a former Steam junkie I know how tough it must have been to let go of that long library of video games. It's not easy to forget but that's a big step for you!

[Koolman]

I had a journal before but I can’t seem to find it no more. 

I went 7 months once but I relapsed and I’m back into gaming especially this one mobile game I’m obsessed with. It’s taking a lot out of my life. I’m thinking of trying respawn. But the problem is I really like this game and don’t know if I’m ready to leave it. It’s about super hero’s and collecting them and using them and I just love doing that. I put so much time and energy into it. It’s just hard to let go . I really want to continue but here I am posting this at 3 am. So maybe there’s s problem, but here’s the thing before that I was just binge watching tv shows on my phone  which isn’t any better really. I just can’t seem to get out of this trap of  always consuming myself with stuff. Never really doing something aside from consuming useless content. I want to get out of that and not be that way and at the same time not be bored. It’s hard but I’ll start by taking note and keeping track of myself. This might go nowhere but I should at least put some kind of effort into finding an answer.

[J(e)RK]

Hey Koolman, welcome to the community. Allow me to attempt to help you turn this relapse into your day-to-day quitting process.

A few things to remember are that the feeling of "I'm not sure I'm ready to give it up yet" is absolutely the reason why you should quit. That game doesn't matter to anybody except for the developers, and that's because they make money off of it. Remember to move past your sunk cost fallacy of "I already did so much for it" and realize that you don't want to put any more in. That's one of the biggest things about quitting. Also remember the why you want to quit, and make sure not to get ahead of yourself. I speak partially from experience, as I was done for a month and ended up relapsing on and off for about 2 weeks. I know now the reasons why I failed.

2 Last things I want to mention before I go:

You probably will be a little bit bored. That's okay. Whenever you do feel bored, think about whether you really want to play video games or not, and from there you can work on your issues.

If nothing else I have suggested here helps, just try to think about why you went back and what went wrong. For me, it took seeing a motivational poster in the break room at the facility I lifeguard in. It reminded me that getting burned out is a result of forgetting that all-important reason why I quit.

Good luck, and I'm sure you'll do great.

Salutations,

J(e)RK

[stabi]

I merged the topics.

[dwalk77]

Hey Koolman,

I can certainly relate what you’re saying about how it’s hard to let go.  Sometimes I’ve even thought about memorializing the games I really liked, as in having a sort of gaming section in my house where it was sort of like an art gallery.  As if that would give the games meaning and a sort of purpose.  Something kept me from doing it though, I think partly b/c I knew it wasn’t real enough, it wasn’t that fulfilling.

 

It sounds like you’re at a bit of a crossroad, and I can totally relate to that.  I’m glad you posted here and aired out your thoughts, I think that’s a good thing.  Hope to hear back soon what decisions you’ve made