The Warrior's Infinite Opus

[Cam Adair]

Keep going. A little bit of progress each day adds up a lot over time.

[Schwing]

Date: Sun 27/11/2016

Journal day: 16

Detox day: 21

Days since I last wanked ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡° ): 3

1. 100 pushups a day
2. Get up at 6:30 every day apart from sundays
3. You cant wank if you haven't talked to any girls that day
4. You matter the most.
5. Negativity is there because you feel negative. The world is not against you.
6. Nobody cares about how you act. They only care about their ego. Express yourself!
7. 5 German words a day
8. Eat as much as you can whenever you can you skinny little shite 
9. Every failure is room for improvement- nothing more and nothing less
10. Be persistent. Progress adds up over time. 

Woke up at:

13:00

Went to bed at:

22:45

Thoughts and Feelings:

• Got up way too late i tried to get up at 7:30 but i just couldn't get my arse out of bed
• Forgot german words
• Tried to do some studying but I just lost focus and daydreamed
• I was quite depressed for a large portion of today. I just sat at my computer desk listening to music and didn't do much productive stuff
• My friend has dumped his slutty girlfriend

Tasks and Achievements:

• 100 pushups.
• Ate loads.
• Art. I should try out watercolour already.

What I am grateful for:

• Metal
• Food

What I have learnt from today:

• I need to start structuring my life asap

About tomorrow:

• Get up early
• Talk to some girls
• Focus when studying
• Running
• Stay consistent with your goals

Notes:

[Schwing]

Keep going. A little bit of progress each day adds up a lot over time.

You couldn't be more right

[Schwing]

Date: Mon 28/11/2016

Journal day: 17

Detox day: 22

Days since I last wanked ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡° ): 4

1. 100 pushups a day
2. Get up at 6:30 every day apart from sundays
3. You cant wank if you haven't talked to any girls that day
4. You matter the most.
5. Negativity is there because you feel negative. The world is not against you.
6. Nobody cares about how you act. They only care about their ego. Express yourself!
7. 5 German words a day
8. Eat as much as you can whenever you can you skinny little shite 
9. Every failure is room for improvement- nothing more and nothing less
10. Be persistent. Progress adds up over time. 

Woke up at:

06:30

Went to bed at:

22:00

Thoughts and Feelings:

• Got up very early and easily.
• Didn't stuff myself today
• I couldn't help it but hate myself all day at school today. Sometimes I just get so obsessed and bitter about how much of a loser I am and get really jealous of everyone around me.
• I was all alone in a room studying with this girl for a bit. I could have said something but I didn't.
• I just felt like being alone and studying today.

Tasks and Achievements:

• Drums. I have been playing almost a year now and looking back I have improved massively. I just can't wait to start playing bass.
• 100 pushups.
• Art. I should try out watercolour already.

What I am grateful for:

• Metal
• Food
• This site and everyone on it
• Funeral Diner

What I have learnt from today:

• My daily routines I have laid out cure my boredom and make me more productive but so far I haven't seen any changes to my depression
• My self esteem is still a huge barrier for me
• I find myself often trying to convince myself I don't care about anyone or anything to justify my antisocial behaviour when really I have just too little confidence. It really eats away at me.

About tomorrow:

• Get up early
• Talk to some girls
• Focus when studying
• Stay consistent with your goals

Notes: 

[WorkInProgress]

Have you thought about doing some sports? Improving in an athletic activity is one of the best ways to build confidence. Of course it has to be something you find cool. I personally like climbing, gymnastics/bodyweight-training and running ( functional fitness seems like a great idea to me).

If you could change on thing at yourself freely without effort (attitude/appearance/skills). What would it be?

Ps: You all ready are 3 weeks into a positive change of your life!Also you are very consistent with your journal. Great stuff!

[Cam Adair]

Ps: You all ready are 3 weeks into a positive change of your life!Also you are very consistent with your journal. Great stuff!

Agreed. Make sure you celebrate this within yourself. One of the reasons why we remain down a lot is because we never take the time to recognize the good things we're doing, yet we're very quick to recognize when we fuck up.

[Schwing]

As always, thank you for the amazing support guys.

 

Have you thought about doing some sports?

I have actually started climbing and I'm going to a competition this weekend. But I do fancy starting running and gym but I lack the confidence to get out there and do it. 

If you could change on thing at yourself freely without effort (attitude/appearance/skills). What would it be?

Attitude: Stop hating myself and just about everyone around me

Appearance: I want to be bigger- or just not skinny.

Skills: I want to improve my artistic skills

[Schwing]

Date: Tue 29/11/2016

Journal day: 18

Detox day: 23

Days since I last wanked ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡° ): 5

1. 100 pushups a day
2. Get up at 6:30 every day apart from sundays
3. You cant wank if you haven't talked to any girls that day
4. You matter the most.
5. Negativity is there because you feel negative. The world is not against you.
6. Nobody cares about how you act. They only care about their ego. Express yourself!
7. 5 German words a day
8. Eat as much as you can whenever you can you skinny little shite 
9. Every failure is room for improvement- nothing more and nothing less
10. Be persistent. Progress adds up over time. 

Woke up at:

07:20

Went to bed at:

22:00

Thoughts and Feelings:

• Got up quite late
• Felt shitty just like yesterday
• Didn't talk to any girls
• Came home and played some music and I felt much happier. But I still have the same perspective.
• Found some awesome new bands

Tasks and Achievements:

• Got some ideas down for my book
• 5 german words
• Ate a lot
• 100 pushups.
• Got some work done for my project done in a really short space of time

What I am grateful for:

• Metal
• Food
• Being in such a bad way because I know I will come out of this stronger
• This

What I have learnt from today:

• I work more efficiently and effectively under stress- or coffee
• Ever since i quit videogames and started this whole self development spiel I have hit an all time low with my depression
• What goes up must come down. And what goes down must come up.

About tomorrow:

• Get up early
• Talk to some girls
• Focus when studying
• Running
• Stay consistent with your goals

Notes: 

[WorkInProgress]

I saw that you had as a goal to eat a lot. This is a really good idea if you want to take get bigger. An approach which helped me to get bigger from 68kg to 74kg by just doing moderate training (I guess atleast the half of the gain was fat) was to eat the same breakfeast which was rich with protein. 250g Low fat curd (around 25g Protein), oat flakes and honey and a little bit of cream. Because I ate it every day I hadn't to actively think about it and ate a lot more protein compared to before.

Good Job starting to climb. perfect sport for skinny People. You'll get nice arms and shoulders.

[Schwing]

Date: Tue 30/11/2016

Journal day: 19

Detox day: 24

Days since I last wanked ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡° ): 6

1. 100 pushups a day
2. Get up at 6:30 every day apart from sundays
3. You cant wank if you haven't talked to any girls that day
4. You matter the most.
5. Negativity is there because you feel negative. The world is not against you.
6. Nobody cares about how you act. They only care about their ego. Express yourself!
7. 5 German words a day
8. Eat as much as you can whenever you can you skinny little shite 
9. Every failure is room for improvement- nothing more and nothing less
10. Be persistent. Progress adds up over time. 

Woke up at:

07:00

Went to bed at:

22:10

Thoughts and Feelings:

• Got up a bit earlier
• I felt quite happy at school today. I was able to keep to myself a lot but enjoy conversation with other people.
• I was also quite witty and a lot less insecure.
• So I was getting changed and the guy next to me flipped out at my muscles because everyone thinks I'm a loser. Felt good.
• Didn't really talk to any girls again

Tasks and Achievements:

• Read some of the Silmarillion
• 5 german words
• Ate a lot
• 100 pushups.
• Ran 7 miles
• Computing test

What I am grateful for:

• Metal
• Food
• JRR Tolkien

What I have learnt from today:

• I am starting to see the results of my efforts
• I know myself as a person now. But I have a lot of work to do.

About tomorrow:

• Get up early
• Talk to some girls
• Focus when studying
• Stay consistent with your goals

Notes: 

[Cam Adair]

Effort turns into results. That's the formula.

[Schwing]

Date: Tue 1/12/2016

Journal day: 20

Detox day: 25

Days since I last wanked ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡° ): 0

1. 100 pushups a day
2. Get up at 6:30 every day apart from sundays
3. Don't wank
4. You matter the most.
5. Negativity is there because you feel negative. The world is not against you.
6. Nobody cares about how you act. They only care about their ego. Express yourself!
7. 5 German words a day
8. Eat as much as you can whenever you can you skinny little shite 
9. Every failure is room for improvement- nothing more and nothing less
10. Be persistent. Progress adds up over time. 

Woke up at:

07:30

Went to bed at:

21:40

Thoughts and Feelings:

• Got up late
• Happy at school
• Couldn't focus when studying because I felt like jerking it so I did. Even though I haven't talked to any girls.
• I was able to focus after though
• Still didn't talk to any girls

Tasks and Achievements:

• Finished my project
• 5 german words
• Ate loads. I have gotten accustomed to eating more.
• 100 pushups.

What I am grateful for:

• Metal
• Food

What I have learnt from today:

• I don't want to wank anymore if I can help it. I don't think instant gratification is healthy.

About tomorrow:

• Get up early
• Don't wank
• Talk to some girls
• Focus when studying
• Stay consistent with your goals
• Work

Notes: 

[Simon E]

I might have said so before, but I really like your journal post-layout. It's neat. 

Also, your struggle to not wank is admirable haha. It seems to be kinda rough; have you asked yourself why you want to stop? Does it have a negative effect on your life? I mean, is it worth the fight? Just because it's considered bad by society or what not doesn't mean it is. You know what's best for you though.

Lastly, if you haven't already, you should definitely go and read the Slight Edge (you probably have heard of it?). I think you would like it.

[Schwing]

Thanks mate

I like to logically order things a lot. That's just me.

I think the main bad thing about wanking is the guilt that I have whenever I do it. I just think to myself: "I'm such a fucking loser. The only way I can get off is by myself. I can't even talk to girls"

I will check out that book. Thank you for your suggestion.

[Schwing]

I have been busy these past couple of days and needed to get to sleep early.

Basically on friday I was quite depressed at school and I talked to a couple of girls but my self confidence just gave way and I just stuck my headphones back on and went back to studying. I also had quite a deep conversation with this one guy about leaving school. He is very likeminded to me. He is very antisocial and is picked on quite a bit. He is very smart though and realises that school is just a fad too. It's just a game about being fake and being the most popular. He knows that all the people at school are friends that nobody will ever keep and he can't wait till he gets into the adult world.

I went to work still depressed and I came out the same way. That's never happened. I have always been satisfied.

So on saturday I had to get up early and go to a climbing competition with school.

It went pretty bad. I was the only one that didn't make the semi finals and it really triggered my depression and low self esteem. So for the rest of the day I just spiralled deeper and deeper into negative thinking and self hate about being a loser in general. People noticed this but I just bottled up my emotions. I always do that. I hate showing weakness and burdening others with my problems. The strange thing is though the guy that was giving awards out at the event gave this speech at the end. Everybody just looked like they thought it was a dumb pep talk but for me it was like this guy was looking straight into my soul. To summarise, he said that everybody had the gift of youth and that they should keep getting up and try to become their dream self no matter what. Straight after I got home went to bed, I had a sad wank and cried. Pathetic I know. Didn't do pushups or anything.

So now it's the following morning and I feel very disheartened. I have looked back on my life and it's been just one massive rubber-banding of happiness and depression. I am sick of looking past myself to be happy. That's all I have been doing. I looked past myself into videogames and the achievements of my character. I look past myself now to my dream self daydreaming all the time. The other thing is though that I can't stay negative all the time because it will eat away at me and I'd be very mentally unstable. So I don't know how to feel or anything. Right now I just feel like staying miserable but I'm going to be persistent with my hobbies no matter what. I don't care about what i get out of it. My life needs purpose and my hobbies will provide that for me. I also hate school. I just want to get to university already and leave everyone in this shithole behind. One day things will fall into place. I cant give up with my hobbies or I can never hope for a brighter side.

Well that was my edgy emo faggot myspace blog straight out of 2006. Hope you enjoyed.

[Schwing]

Date: Tue 4/12/2016

Journal day: 23

Detox day: 28

NoFap day ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡° ): 1

1. 100 pushups a day
2. Get up at 6:30 every day apart from sundays
3. Don't wank. Don't Game.
4. You matter the most.
5. Negativity is there because you feel negative. The world is not against you.
6. Nobody cares about how you act. They only care about their ego. Express yourself!
7. 5 German words a day
8. Eat as much as you can whenever you can you skinny little shite 
9. Every failure is room for improvement- nothing more and nothing less
10. Be persistent. Progress adds up over time. 

Woke up at:

11:00

Went to bed at:

22:35

Thoughts and Feelings:

• Got up late
• I felt quite depressed this morning but not cripplingly so (meme not intended)
• Did studying well
• Listened to a lot of music
• Ripped audio from my new CDs
• Did some art and tried out watercolour
• Forgot german words

Tasks and Achievements:

• Lot of studying done very well
• Ate loads.
• Art
• 100 pushups
• Overcame the urge to wank

What I am grateful for:

• Metal
• Food
• The internet
• People who care

What I have learnt from today:

• Not wanking is very hard for me. I should definitely stop then.
• Don't let my mood get the better of me. Positive mood or negative mood. Stay level headed. Keep persistent with my goals that's all that matters.
• Music incredibly boosts my mood
• I like being by myself. Most social interaction tires me.

About tomorrow:

• Get up early
• Don't wank
• Talk to some girls
• Focus when studying
• Stay consistent with your goals

Notes: 

[Cam Adair]

Not wanking is very hard for me. I should definitely stop then.

YEP! 

[WorkInProgress]

If it helps to share I am happy to read as much emo shit as you can deliver.  Bringt it on!

 But seriously, sharing this sort of emotions with people you care about is really important. I know that it logically doesn't fix anything but in reality we are all social beeings and want to feel supported. The only way to get that Support is through vulnerablity and showing your bad side to others. Your desperate, full-of-shit, disgusting bad alter ego . surpisingly most People like you even more if tehy know this side because everyone has such  a Person in side of himself. I personally struggle a lot with sharing to People I care about, but every time I do it is worth it.

Hey soon one month and you still improving. Take a moment to be proud of what your achieved! You are doing great so far.

I think you could enjoy Mark Manson's writing style. Check out this article(https://markmanson.net/not-giving-a-fuck).

Edited December 5, 2016 by WorkInProgress

[Schwing]

But seriously, sharing this sort of emotions with people you care about is really important

I don't care about anyone. That is my problem. Save one person maybe.

Nice article btw. very helpful

[Schwing]

Date: Tue 5/12/2016

Journal day: 24

Detox day: 29

NoFap day ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡° ): 2

1. 100 pushups a day
2. Get up at 6:30 every day apart from sundays
3. Don't wank. Don't Game.
4. You matter the most.
5. Negativity is there because you feel negative. The world is not against you.
6. Nobody cares about how you act. They only care about their ego. Express yourself!
7. 5 German words a day
8. Eat as much as you can whenever you can you skinny little shite 
9. Every failure is room for improvement- nothing more and nothing less
10. Be persistent. Progress adds up over time. 

Woke up at:

11:00

Went to bed at:

22:35

Thoughts and Feelings:

• Got up late
• I felt quite satisfied today
• Listened to a lot of music
• Bought a new phone today
• Forgot german words

Tasks and Achievements:

• Bit of studying
• Ate loads.
• Reading
• 100 pushups
• Overcame the urge to wank

What I am grateful for:

• Metal
• Food
• That article that german guy sent me above.

What I have learnt from today:

• Not wanking is very hard for me. I should definitely stop then.
• I must master the art of fuckgiving- not in the literal sense (but let's just say I wouldn't be complaining if I was)
• Thinking about it. My social paranoia triggers my depression and bursts my bubble.

About tomorrow:

• Get up early
• Don't wank
• Talk to some girls
• Focus when studying
• Stay consistent with your goals
• Climbing

Notes:

• I have fucked up my detox day countdown somehow

[Schwing]

Date: Tue 6/12/2016

Journal day: 25

Detox day: 30

NoFap day ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡° ): 3

1. 100 pushups a day
2. Get up at 6:30 every day apart from sundays
3. Don't wank. Don't Game.
4. You matter the most.
5. Negativity is there because you feel negative. The world is not against you.
6. Do not give a fuck about unfuckworthy things
7. 5 German words a day
8. Eat as much as you can whenever you can you skinny little shite 
9. Every failure is room for improvement- nothing more and nothing less
10. Be persistent. Progress adds up over time. 

Woke up at:

06:40

Went to bed at:

22:35

Thoughts and Feelings:

• Got up nice and early
• I felt very confident and happy today even though there were a lot of things that could have potentially triggered my depression
• Everytime I began to doubt myself today I just told myself "who fucking cares. i have more important things to worry about" and it worked
• Get me out of this fucking school! I want university already.

Tasks and Achievements:

• Lot of studying
• 100 pushups
• Ate loads.
• Reading
• 100 pushups
• Overcame the urge to wank again. This is fucking difficult

What I am grateful for:

• Metal
• Food
• Not giving a fuck
• That article work in progress sent me. Seriously just what i needed.

What I have learnt from today:

• Who cares about girls, popularity and all this shit. I don't need any of it right now- it's irrelevant. I have a purpose and that is to be the best person I can be.
• I can reason with myself to not wank and identify my urges as cravings and not necessities.
• I am feeling as if I am readjusting to reality. Real life activities like climbing suddenly really appeal to me and the dedication I had for videogames has almost translated into them.
• I am quite keen on getting big. I'm getting the same vibe from starting out on an MMORPG and building my character for the first time.

About tomorrow:

• Get up early
• Don't wank
• Focus when studying
• Stay consistent with your goals
• Running

Notes:

• I have fucked up my detox day countdown
• I might be 1/3rd of the way through or not. If so this is a huge milestone.

Edited December 6, 2016 by Schwing

[WorkInProgress]

Just go with the number in your Journal. doesn't amtter if it is the exact number. Congrats on 30 days!

[Schwing]

Date: Tue 7/12/2016

Journal day: 26

Detox day: 31

NoFap day ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡° ): 4

1. 100 pushups a day
2. Get up at 6:30 every day apart from sundays
3. Don't wank. Don't Game.
4. You matter the most.
5. Negativity is there because you feel negative. The world is not against you.
6. Do not give a fuck about unfuckworthy things
7. 5 German words a day
8. Eat as much as you can whenever you can you skinny little shite 
9. Every failure is room for improvement- nothing more and nothing less
10. Be persistent. Progress adds up over time. 

Woke up at:

07:40

Went to bed at:

22:45

Thoughts and Feelings:

• Got up very very late
• I felt very confident and happy today again. Not wanking is paying off.
• I feel more masculine as well. Probably my testosterone levels.
• I had to show this new guy around school. No social anxiety at all.
• My social anxiety was almost gone today. I was taking more risks.
• I get dicked on a lot because everyone thinks I'm an emo faggot. I don't care. 2 years and I'm leaving this shithole.
• So I felt a bit shit at the end of the day because I got envious of other people.

Tasks and Achievements:

• Bit of studying
• Ate loads.
• Reading
• 100 pushups
• Overcame the urge to wank again.
• I did gym instead of running

What I am grateful for:

• Metal
• Food
• Not giving a fuck
• Testosterone

What I have learnt from today:

• DON'T WANK! NO MATTER WHAT!
• Who gives a shit if people push me around? What the fuck are they gonna do other than slag me off?

About tomorrow:

• Get up early
• Don't wank
• Focus when studying
• Stay consistent with your goals
• Studying- big day

Notes:

[Cam Adair]

Congrats on your first month. If you can do one month, you can do any month! 

[Schwing]

I haven't posted for the last couple of days because of work. Basically my confidence and nofap streak ended. Relapsed like a motherfucker.