Jump to content

NEW PODCAST: Why Twitch Is Destroying Your Mindset and Keeping You from Success

seriousjay

Jay's Epic Journey

Recommended Posts

16 minutes ago, seriousjay said:

So on Sunday I got an e-mail about dating Sunday from Match so I went and checked out what was there. Turns out an interesting girl viewed me so I sent her a message and got a response. I messaged her again and I haven't received a response yet and my previous anxieties about all this are starting to creep up again. Why isn't she messaging me back? Etc.

Is this normal? I feel like there's no way it can be normal. Even if it is, I don't like it. I feel like if I don't get this under control, when I do get into a relationship it's going to manifest as jealousy, etc. For all my self-awareness it does me little good with these thoughts and feelings that I can't seem to get control of.

You have to look at women on dating sites as numbers unfortunately. If you get remotely attached to a woman online then you're leaving yourself vulnerable to being let down, which will cause insecurities to form. The same applies to women searching for men. I'm not being an incel.

Anyways, some women just ghost people instead of telling them they're actually not interested. Men do it to women as well. These people are known as cowards who can't express themselves or confront people because they have no spine. Other reasons could be she's busy, dating someone else, or died. You never know to be honest.

Dating requires lots of patience and logic. Just be excited you got a message back and move on. I use the website Photofeeler to test my photos. You can set it so only women rate your pictures and you can view photos of men that look more appealing and see how you can learn and adjust your photos to get better results.

Take a deep breath. If you think logically, the only reason you should ever feel crippling loss or anxiety with insecurities due to a woman not talking to you would be if it was your girlfriend or wife. That's it. These people are random and mean nothing to you right now. Separate yourself emotionally from these people or else you won't succeed. 

  • Like 1

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
19 minutes ago, BooksandTrees said:

You have to look at women on dating sites as numbers unfortunately. If you get remotely attached to a woman online then you're leaving yourself vulnerable to being let down, which will cause insecurities to form. The same applies to women searching for men. I'm not being an incel.

Anyways, some women just ghost people instead of telling them they're actually not interested. Men do it to women as well. These people are known as cowards who can't express themselves or confront people because they have no spine. Other reasons could be she's busy, dating someone else, or died. You never know to be honest.

Dating requires lots of patience and logic. Just be excited you got a message back and move on. I use the website Photofeeler to test my photos. You can set it so only women rate your pictures and you can view photos of men that look more appealing and see how you can learn and adjust your photos to get better results.

Take a deep breath. If you think logically, the only reason you should ever feel crippling loss or anxiety with insecurities due to a woman not talking to you would be if it was your girlfriend or wife. That's it. These people are random and mean nothing to you right now. Separate yourself emotionally from these people or else you won't succeed. 

I appreciate the feedback but it wasn't really my point. I truly mean no offense by that.

I want to get past this anxiety. Whatever it is. Dating anxiety? I don't know. I don't like the fact that I feel this way at all and I want to do something about it.

It really has nothing to do with dating specifically. If looking at an apple triggered this I would still feel the same way. I want to figure out what the root cause is and try to eliminate it if I can.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Just to be clear about something, it doesn't actually matter all that much to me if she responds to my message or not. At least not in my conscious mind. When it comes to online dating specifically, I've already accepted it for what it is, both good and bad.

I am specifically focusing on the anxiety it's triggering and what, if anything I can do about it.

I actually ended up playing Heroes of the Storm for a bit. It was a game I was going to use as an alternative for when I got food cravings but I never ended up doing it. I specifically chose that game because matches within the game only take about 30 minutes max and historically I never really liked that style of game much so there isn't much risk of me getting addicted to it. It actually helped significantly to calm my anxiety down and I feel OK now. Maybe I'll continue with this, we'll see.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Dating anxiety is like any other anxiety and anxiety is too much attachment what others think if you fail at something.

If you just started skiing and you are a beginner, you have to face the fact you're gonna suck at it for a while. You'll be afraid that you ram into a tree, that people will make fun of you, because you fall too often/have bad technique etc. But in reality, those things happen far less often than you think they will and simply because you'll get better at anything over time.

@BooksandTrees put it well. You have to realize there are so many stages to a relationship between "girl didn't reply to my message on an app" and "truly functional relationship" that the rejection rate is truly 99%. It's not about you. It's a statistic. Don't be anxious just because you wanted to take it one step further and she didn't respond to that.

I recently read "No More Mr Nice Guy" by Dr. Glover and "Models: Attract Women through Honesty" and both are great books on the topic.

Edited by Ikar

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
11 hours ago, Ikar said:

Dating anxiety is like any other anxiety and anxiety is too much attachment what others think if you fail at something.

If you just started skiing and you are a beginner, you have to face the fact you're gonna suck at it for a while. You'll be afraid that you ram into a tree, that people will make fun of you, because you fall too often/have bad technique etc. But in reality, those things happen far less often than you think they will and simply because you'll get better at anything over time.

@BooksandTrees put it well. You have to realize there are so many stages to a relationship between "girl didn't reply to my message on an app" and "truly functional relationship" that the rejection rate is truly 99%. It's not about you. It's a statistic. Don't be anxious just because you wanted to take it one step further and she didn't respond to that.

I recently read "No More Mr Nice Guy" by Dr. Glover and "Models: Attract Women through Honesty" and both are great books on the topic.

I'm going to be completely honest I don't really think what I'm experiencing is normal at all. I just spent half the day today in the abyss. I wrote a journal entry on BetterHelp that encapsulates my thoughts on the matter so I'll just post it here:
 

Quote

 

Apparently last Sunday was dating Sunday. I got an email from Match about it so I checked it out. An interesting girl viewed me so I sent a message and got a response. My response to her has been unanswered and I believe this has triggered my dating anxieties from before, with today being particularly brutal.

I get all sorts of stupid thoughts and images. Things like what am I doing wrong? I start analyzing the message that I sent. What did I say that made her ghost me? Then I think maybe I don't deserve a partner. Maybe the type of person I am just isn't conducive to a relationship. Maybe I should just become one of those "alpha male" types even though the thought disgusts me. I think about getting a dating coach and I fear being told I'm too pathetic and docile to be interesting to anyone.

None of this is voluntary, though I sometimes allow myself to get caught up in it. Occasionally, in my worst moments I even sometimes think some of it is true. I'm so sick and tired of this. I know in my conscious mind that none of it is true. I know I'm an amazing person. Why does some part of me think otherwise?

 

I need to stress that none of the negative things I feel are voluntary. They just come out of nowhere and sometimes when they do they don't stop. Unless you experience this yourself you'll probably have no idea how debilitating this is.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Hey Jay, will try be to as articulate as I can reflecting on what you said.

Dating was like a nightmare for me even before I was old enough to date. Women attracted me, but this same attraction terrified me from young age. I avoided dating but at some moment peer pressure kicked in (movies and stuff were giving me the false impression that I will miss all my chances and be left single). Also movies drew false unreal expectations (like I have to be a super hero to be liked etc)

Eventually I got to date and I felt like I was going to throw up right there. Even before the date I had very bad feelings about this and nothing could work to kill this strange spell. When I walked away, I was thankful I didnt faint, that’s how nervous I was. This was at age 15 I think. I never dated again.

I then developed animosity to this thing until some time later, I realized I am by nature a religious person.

1) When you go to a meeting with a woman, its necessary to take a friend on your side (and she takes as well). I cannot go without this trusted friend.

2) When I am going to meet her I let her know I am meeting to consider marriage.

3) The trusted friends are present for the entire length of the meeting. You come together, you leave together.

The trusted friend made it surprisingly easy for me. The terror was gone. My first meetings were where I kept big distance (how big? The friend did all the speaking, passed her questions on and shuttled between us. Maybe I looked at her once for the whole time). In the next meeting I spoke very carefully, but after a few I was a lot more confident. What’s interesting is that I was completely unafraid to ask her trusted friend questions about my potential spouse (from meeting number 1). 

But when I addressed her friend, most of my focus was about my potential spouse. Otherwise the situation could turn very bad. Both the friend and potential spouse understood and respected my approach.

(I can expand on this to explain how self criticism gets neutralized when you are meeting to consider marriage)

For me this was the only solution. I could never stomach dates or girlfriends.

 

Edited by Amphibian220
  • Like 1

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
1 hour ago, Amphibian220 said:

Hey Jay, will try be to as articulate as I can reflecting on what you said.

Dating was like a nightmare for me even before I was old enough to date. Women attracted me, but this same attraction terrified me from young age. I avoided dating but at some moment peer pressure kicked in (movies and stuff were giving me the false impression that I will miss all my chances and be left single). Also movies drew false unreal expectations (like I have to be a super hero to be liked etc)

Eventually I got to date and I felt like I was going to throw up right there. Even before the date I had very bad feelings about this and nothing could work to kill this strange spell. When I walked away, I was thankful I didnt faint, that’s how nervous I was. This was at age 15 I think. I never dated again.

I then developed animosity to this thing until some time later, I realized I am by nature a religious person.

1) When you go to a meeting with a woman, its necessary to take a friend on your side (and she takes as well). I cannot go without this trusted friend.

2) When I am going to meet her I let her know I am meeting to consider marriage.

3) The trusted friends are present for the entire length of the meeting. You come together, you leave together.

The trusted friend made it surprisingly easy for me. The terror was gone. My first meetings were where I kept big distance (how big? The friend did all the speaking, passed her questions on and shuttled between us. Maybe I looked at her once for the whole time). In the next meeting I spoke very carefully, but after a few I was a lot more confident. What’s interesting is that I was completely unafraid to ask her trusted friend questions about my potential spouse (from meeting number 1). 

But when I addressed her friend, most of my focus was about my potential spouse. Otherwise the situation could turn very bad. Both the friend and potential spouse understood and respected my approach.

(I can expand on this to explain how self criticism gets neutralized when you are meeting to consider marriage)

For me this was the only solution. I could never stomach dates or girlfriends.

 

Thanks for the reply.

I am not religious though so I can't relate too much about that. What I can say is that dating itself doesn't scare me. In fact, I'm pretty much never nervous going on a date anymore. None of that is the issue.

The sole concern right now for me is this damn anxiety. I think it cuts a whole lot deeper than just being single.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Wait a sec man. Something i discovered is that I can be experiencing negative emotions without realizing it. Cam Adair mentioned it in his vlog and I had a hard time believing it at first. But it is true.

At the moment you know the trigger: that girl first expressed interest but then did not proceed. You are worried that you got rejected and something isn’t right about you etc. You are pretty straightforward with this. You are unafraid to date , but afraid to be rejected (correct?)

I was terrified of being not good enough, acting strange, saying silly things around women. It hurt me deep. But when I met to consider marriage, this was an entirely different thing altogether. You are now looking not at being good enough for her etc. but considering fundamental values, raising children together. She is doin likewise. Maybe you can’t make a super cool compliment, but if you can protect her and be a real husband that outweighs all the silly prejudices.

Being religious is innate (its not to do with theory). By being averse to short term dates, you are being religious.

 

Edited by Amphibian220

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

To be honest I'm not afraid of rejection. Not consciously anyways. I've long since accepted that rejection is a natural part of this learning process. I don't LIKE rejection, but I don't fear it.

I don't know what it is. Like I said, I think it runs much deeper than just dating. Sometimes getting a text makes me jump and my mind races about who it is, etc. Sometimes I'll check my e-mail or journal or whatever I'm focused on at the time several times to see if I got a reply.

It's really annoying.

  • Like 1

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

I read all your previous posts and this dating thing is the culprit I think.

Just to test your emotions (neutralize the culprit), do this thing.

Look for a trusted male friend (who is super reliable in all respects) . Never go on blind dates for now.

If you happen to see an interesting person at work/ violin lessons, (this can take some time)

just talk to this trusted friend on how you would do a meeting to consider marriage. Hear his ideas out, talk about your emotions. See if you feel good from that conversation.

but I will not risk to go ahead with that meeting . Your trusted personal friend will hopefully neutralize fear, and arm you with awareness and confidence to make a decision.

 

  • Like 1

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

@seriousjay From what you wrote, it does seem you have anxiety well entrenched in your life and it just happened to manifest in this scenario. I don't know what you've been through in life, but it seems like you indeed have severe anxiety. Spiraling from "a girl didn't write me back" -> "I won't have a partner in my life" is pretty brutal. Your feelings might not be your fault, but they are your responsibility. If you think you need a psychologist/dating coach to help you out in these areas, then by all means do it.

@Amphibian220 What a quirky way to meet women! How did that work out for you?

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Ikar, after my fifth meeting and a number of telephone conversations, I started feeling my potential spouses values and cultural background. I actually asked my sister to propose to her on my behalf and she accepted immediately.

. I think the only way to date is this conventional approach because it works bery well and removes pressure a lot.

Some pre-requisites: the trusted friend must be good socially, ethically and you must feel at home in his presence. He can be older or younger than you. He must be proactive and engaging. You can talk about all of your concerns with him beforehand.

I went with my sister once and she was very good at this. I went with a male friend at another time but found him to be less proactive.

Edited by Amphibian220
  • Like 1

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
29 minutes ago, Amphibian220 said:

Ikar, after my fifth meeting and a number of telephone conversations, I started feeling my potential spouses values and cultural background. I actually asked my sister to propose to her on my behalf and she accepted immediately.

. I think anybody that gets anxiety issues with the secular way, should try out this conventional approach because it works bery well and removes pressure a lot.

Some pre-requisites: the trusted friend must be good socially, ethically and you must feel at home in his presence. He can be older or younger than you. He must be proactive and engaging. You can talk about all of your concerns with him beforehand.

I went with my sister once and she was very good at this. I went with a male friend at another time but found him to be less proactive.

Great! I'd have never thought of this approach. I am 22 but I am not as anxious as I thought I was when I was gaming. As long as the event I am attending has some agenda I'm into, I don't have troubles socializing. It can be a gym, a punk concert, an English evening, whatever. Demographics are important when it comes to dating. Walking into a course of Japanese language without any interest in it would make me feel like an idiot and rightly so.

I understand one needs a good friend to do this with, because he literally represents a part of you and what you value. Personally, I found out that improving my relationship with men and improving my relationship with women go hand in hand.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
14 hours ago, Ikar said:

@seriousjay From what you wrote, it does seem you have anxiety well entrenched in your life and it just happened to manifest in this scenario. I don't know what you've been through in life, but it seems like you indeed have severe anxiety. Spiraling from "a girl didn't write me back" -> "I won't have a partner in my life" is pretty brutal. Your feelings might not be your fault, but they are your responsibility. If you think you need a psychologist/dating coach to help you out in these areas, then by all means do it.

@Amphibian220 What a quirky way to meet women! How did that work out for you?

Yes. Thank you for understanding. I'm going to use my time with my online counsellor to talk about this. I don't really think a dating coach is the answer because I actually think I do fine in dates. Maybe I'm not the sexiest dude in the world and I don't sweep women off their feet but that's just not the type of person I am. Like I mentioned in other parts of the forum, I prefer to just be the real me during dates. If they're gonna fall for me, let them fall for who I actually am so there's no resentment later.

Anyways, I wrote another journal entry about this, here it is. I feel like doing it this way makes it easier to sort out my thoughts:

 

Quote

 

So, about anxiety.

I'm beginning to think I have some unresolved issues from my childhood that are leading me to have severe anxiety about being alone in the future and generally about being loved and needed. I fantasize a lot about performing the violin in front of people especially lately and it makes me really happy. Before that I was fantasizing about doing public readings of books that I published. And I also sometimes fantasize about making Hollywood movies about the books that I publish.

All this stuff is actually pretty important to me because I want to make a difference in this world. I want the world to be a better place for me having existed in it. And I want to touch peoples' lives, give them hope and inspiration for the future. I believe these are all worthwhile endeavours and they are ultimately my life's goal.

I just don't know if I want these things for the right reasons. I tell myself that these are meaningful things that will fulfill me, and I really believe that. I just wonder if my anxieties are playing into it as well.

I don't really have any strong feelings about my childhood these days. Neither positive nor negative... it's just a thing that happened. During most of it, I never really felt loved by my parents. I think the closest thing I felt to love was from my aunt, who I did see pretty often, but I was not the greatest kid in the world either. There was one time where I was lying in a tent during a camping trip bawling my eyes out because my uncle yelled at me after I told him off for smoking, and my mom laid there with me trying to comfort me. That's the closest thing I can think to ever feeling truly loved back then and knowing what I know now, I'm not sure if it was a comfortable situation for her.

Until I started on this journey of self-development, my only feelings about my childhood were negative. I had and still have a very hard time recalling happy moments. I'm not even convinced there were that many of them. There was one time when we came home from a talent show at school I think it was and we found presents under the Christmas tree that weren't there when we left. I actually believed it was Santa. That moment was pretty cool.

So yeah... I wonder if the lack of love from my childhood is being projected into the present day in the form of these negative thoughts and feelings. For a VERY long time, I hated myself. There were times where I wanted to die. There was a long time where if I wasn't playing video games, I was just perpetually miserable. I remember my elementary school getting a social worker for me because they thought I was thinking about suicide. As far back as I can remember until I was 26, nearly all I remember is misery and depression. My parents fought a lot. They got divorced. My dad yelled at me for bad marks. There really wasn't much that I can remember that I was happy about.

I'm not really sure what to do about this, but I know I need to address it or confront it. I have to do something. Because I don't want this anxiety anymore. I mean, I haven't wanted it for a long time but now I'm starting to understand how crippling it is. It is getting in the way of me becoming the best possible version of myself and I've got to change that.

 

@Amphibian220 I'm going to be honest I didn't respond to your idea sooner because my initial reaction was about how weird it seems. I am legit shocked that you found a girl that accepted receiving a proposal that way. I have a hard time believing such a woman might exist in North America. However, I am not religious in any sense of the word so maybe this is more a religious thing. Regardless, are you still married to this person you proposed to? I actually think it's VERY cool that such alternate forms of "dating" exist. This world needs more options for people who don't conform to the usual ways of doing things.

Also, I get what you're saying about religion but I still associate it with Christianity, Buddhism, etc. I am none of those things. The closest thing to religious I can say about myself is that I believe in the law of attraction, of a living, breathing universe that responds to your energy. That's about it.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Jay,

Yes I am and something else on expectations and shock: We want to be very controlling by second guessing what the other person thinks and values in us. This is what programming does to you. It stops you from speaking and communicating freely and places many prejudices in your mind.

We try to fill up any unknowns with our guesses and this influences our behaviour dynamically. It can make us overly defensive and get us to miss important signals from the partner.

One of the members here mentioned the art of charm podcast. By watching just 3 minutes of it I spotted my mistakes. When I spoke to people I would look at myself more than on them. Tension would get me to miss the signals they are sending (smiles, pauses etc). This is why on my “dates”, my sister picked up on things and did the work for me. She was essentially like a radar because she understood her better and was more relaxed. When I started becoming less intense and defensive, I started following their and my signals much better. Communication became better. 

Religion is important because it plays a very big part in our upbringing and culture. Also, religious rules are robust- they withstood the test of time to prove they work. One such example is fasting and its associated benefits for your health. Religious beliefs are work in progress too, our understanding develops the more we study and apply it in practice.

Edited by Amphibian220

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

So yesterday I googled "how to date a virgin". I don't know why I did it. I found this: https://www.wikihow.com/Date-a-Virgin

Reading that was really challenging for me. For the last year or so I've been constantly told that I need to be the confident, aggressive man that pushes things along. I need to touch her confidently. I need to just go for it. None of it ever sounded or felt right to me. It just wasn't me. That isn't to say I'm not confident, but I never identified with the typical role of a male in a courtship. I've mostly just been telling myself that I guess I just need to suck it up and do the uncomfortable until it becomes comfortable.

I think I'm done with that. I don't want to apologize or feel ashamed for how I think anymore. Yeah, I'm not the typical male, and I don't believe there should be anything wrong with that. Maybe it really limits my potential matches, but I don't want to settle for an unsatisfactory relationship where I'm always having to put on a face just to please society's idea of what I'm supposed to do. That doesn't make any sense and I'm not going to try to fit into that box anymore.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

I have a lot of the feelings you described in your first post on the Match situation. Even if I don't care about the girl whatsoever (that sounds mean but I just mean when it comes to online dating, they don't even really count as people to me until I've been talking to them a while) I still start swirling into a vortex of "why did she stop talking to me?", "What am I doing wrong?", "Am I going to be alone forever?" etc. Sadly, as I've gotten older the "Am I going to be alone forever" bit is starting to have some truth to it... mainly because single women my age aren't exactly prizes. Again, sounds mean, but I'm just being honest. Funny enough I've even had that "maybe I should just become one of those 'alpha males'" thought but it's not really something we can just decide to be, unfortunately.  I don't have any answers for you, just letting you know that you aren't alone and I understand how you feel. On the bright side, I have had a lot of girlfriends in the past so if you keep working at it, it DOES happen.

  • Like 1

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
45 minutes ago, ceponatia said:

I have a lot of the feelings you described in your first post on the Match situation. Even if I don't care about the girl whatsoever (that sounds mean but I just mean when it comes to online dating, they don't even really count as people to me until I've been talking to them a while) I still start swirling into a vortex of "why did she stop talking to me?", "What am I doing wrong?", "Am I going to be alone forever?" etc. Sadly, as I've gotten older the "Am I going to be alone forever" bit is starting to have some truth to it... mainly because single women my age aren't exactly prizes. Again, sounds mean, but I'm just being honest. Funny enough I've even had that "maybe I should just become one of those 'alpha males'" thought but it's not really something we can just decide to be, unfortunately.  I don't have any answers for you, just letting you know that you aren't alone and I understand how you feel. On the bright side, I have had a lot of girlfriends in the past so if you keep working at it, it DOES happen.

Thanks for this. It doesn't really help either of our situations but it's comforting to know I'm not struggling alone.

I refuse to subscribe to the belief however that single women my age aren't prizes. I mean, I know I'm a really awesome person and I'm single, so there's bound to be women who have gone through a similar path in life. Or they've moved on from a bad relationship themselves. Etc.

Yeah, you're right that we can't just choose to be something we're not. At least I can't. I wouldn't be able to last very long putting on that kind of face. It would be very clear to the other party that I'm just faking trying to be something I'm not. However, I'm not going to try to hide or reject who I am anymore. I think that might be causing me more grief than anything else at this point. I don't fit into society's box of what I should be and that's going to be just fine with me.

Thanks again!

  • Like 1

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
9 hours ago, seriousjay said:

Reading that was really challenging for me. For the last year or so I've been constantly told that I need to be the confident, aggressive man that pushes things along. I need to touch her confidently. I need to just go for it. None of it ever sounded or felt right to me. It just wasn't me. That isn't to say I'm not confident, but I never identified with the typical role of a male in a courtship. I've mostly just been telling myself that I guess I just need to suck it up and do the uncomfortable until it becomes comfortable.

I don't know you, but it's better if you know yourself instead! As for confidence/anxiety (extroversion/neuroticism), it's decided even before any touch takes place; if you are in a place with new women, do you walk up to them to talk to them or vice versa? How often do you meet new women? Grabbing a woman by her hand and dragging her somewhere within an hour of meeting her doesn't necessarily mean success, as they make it out to be in the articles you are reading. As long as you do your actions to get the results you want, it's fine.

9 hours ago, ceponatia said:

"Am I going to be alone forever?" etc. Sadly, as I've gotten older the "Am I going to be alone forever" bit is starting to have some truth to it... mainly because single women my age aren't exactly prizes. Again, sounds mean, but I'm just being honest. Funny enough I've even had that "maybe I should just become one of those 'alpha males'" thought but it's not really something we can just decide to be, unfortunately.

 

9 hours ago, seriousjay said:

I refuse to subscribe to the belief however that single women my age aren't prizes. I mean, I know I'm a really awesome person and I'm single, so there's bound to be women who have gone through a similar path in life. Or they've moved on from a bad relationship themselves. Etc.

I agree with Jay on this one, just because if "women of my age aren't exactly prizes", you blame the women and absolve yourself of the responsibility to ever date one again. I would even argue it is easier for a man in his 40s to land a date than for a man in his 20s, assuming they have the same skill-set/personality/competence level, just because the age is a indicator of maturity, even if only a physical one.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

I'm not saying that there are no attractive women out there in their 40s, that is demonstrably false. However, finding one who doesn't have kids (complete dealbreaker for me) or some sort of disorder (like alcoholism) gets harder the older you get, because most well adjusted people are married by now. I'm no catch myself. I have a lot to work on and that's also a contributor to why I don't actively date that much. It's not that I don't ever get offers for dates, it's that the offers I do get aren't appealing. I'm not giving up, that's not what I was trying to say. I'm just saying I get the same feeling Jay gets about FEELING like I'll always be alone even though I logically know that's not true.

  • Like 2

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
12 hours ago, Ikar said:

I don't know you, but it's better if you know yourself instead! As for confidence/anxiety (extroversion/neuroticism), it's decided even before any touch takes place; if you are in a place with new women, do you walk up to them to talk to them or vice versa? How often do you meet new women? Grabbing a woman by her hand and dragging her somewhere within an hour of meeting her doesn't necessarily mean success, as they make it out to be in the articles you are reading. As long as you do your actions to get the results you want, it's fine.

 

I agree with Jay on this one, just because if "women of my age aren't exactly prizes", you blame the women and absolve yourself of the responsibility to ever date one again. I would even argue it is easier for a man in his 40s to land a date than for a man in his 20s, assuming they have the same skill-set/personality/competence level, just because the age is a indicator of maturity, even if only a physical one.

To your first point above, I don't even want to be that type of guy. That's what I mean about being so atypical. I think the tension between what I want and what I've been told I should be has caused me a great deal of stress and anxiety. I recognize that most women won't approach men and not doing cold approaches will limit my options. I'm at peace with that.

To your second point, I also believe a lot of people, not just women in the 30-40+ range have gotten past the whole "fairytale romance" stage, where they won't settle for less than prince charming with the perfect personality and Brad Pitt looks sweeping them off their feet within 10 seconds of approaching them. Most reasonable people in that age range should at that point recognize that everyone is flawed and you're going to have to accept someone who is flawed. That doesn't mean dropping your standards, but to expect it to go perfect from the get-go is completely unrealistic.

7 hours ago, ceponatia said:

I'm not saying that there are no attractive women out there in their 40s, that is demonstrably false. However, finding one who doesn't have kids (complete dealbreaker for me) or some sort of disorder (like alcoholism) gets harder the older you get, because most well adjusted people are married by now. I'm no catch myself. I have a lot to work on and that's also a contributor to why I don't actively date that much. It's not that I don't ever get offers for dates, it's that the offers I do get aren't appealing. I'm not giving up, that's not what I was trying to say. I'm just saying I get the same feeling Jay gets about FEELING like I'll always be alone even though I logically know that's not true.

I have to wonder how much of how you see yourself is being projected onto women. You realize you're not much of a catch and you develop the idea that most women around your age aren't either. It's a defense mechanism you adopt, perhaps subconsciously, to ease the pain of not being in a committed relationship yet. I'm not saying that's you, but it might be worth it to do some self-reflection and figure out if that might be what's going on.

There are plenty of high quality women available in the 30-40 range, and they are available for various reasons.

Last, if the offers you get aren't appealing, then the answer is to make yourself better in order to attract higher quality people into your life.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
8 hours ago, Amphibian220 said:

In my opinion it is absolutely fine to take a wife some years younger than you.

Men frequently marry women who can be 5 or more years younger than them.

Lol my great grandfather married a 35 year old woman when he was 13, had 2 kids, moved to America, divorced her, married another woman 20 years later, had another kid, supported both women and all 3 kids. My great grand mother on my other side married a man 30 years older than her and it was terrible. 

They were both arranged marriages since they were very religious. There wasn't a gold digging thing going on. It was more the parents wanted land from the other parents. Marriages back then were political. This is all in the 1910s. 

But there's definitely a large range of people marrying different ages. I always found it interesting.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

BooksandTrees

If you mean by political decisions that we look for more or less similar cultural values and nationality, then that is widespread.

Income levels can vary, but some families give a lot of weight to that.

I believe that cross-cultural marriages have the highest risk of breaking up because after the initial passion, partners have to come to grips with differences of values and how they want to raise the children.

This is also true when one of the partners is religious whereas the other is suspicious of and averse to religion. It goes ok when there is no antagonism and the “secular” partner shifts towards respecting the right of worship.

Edited by Amphibian220

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

OK so some backstory: I've started seeing the woman from Match that I thought ghosted me. Turns out she almost immediately responded to me and I just didn't get an e-mail about it. My bad. Our second date is tomorrow.

Today I got pretty bad anxiety about this whole thing. Everything seems to be going very well so far, yet I still get these really stupid thoughts.

"She's going to dump me because I'm too much of a headache with my anxiety."

"Why didn't she respond to my text about feeling a connection with her more enthusiastically?"

"She's going to cancel our date because she's just not that into me."

Etc.

I know in my mind that all of these thoughts are lies. There is no basis in fact or reality to take them seriously. Yet they constantly pummel me. I can fend them off at first but eventually it just cripples me. I spend so much mental energy trying to fight them off.

Today I tried a new technique of just listening to my music with earphones on. The idea being to drown out all the mental noise with actual noise that inspires me. I found this really, really helped. Within 10 minutes I was calm. It feels kind of weird to lay in bed staring at the ceiling with headphones on but if this continues to work then I'm willing to live with that. I may even bring earbuds to work to do the same thing, since all this shit usually starts during the day.

I have no idea how I'm going to tell her about this stuff. On top of being clueless about how to be a boyfriend, I'm dealing with all of this. At the very least I need to let her know it's going on so if I say or do something that seems kind of silly because of it, she'll at least know why. On most days I can keep it controlled but there will probably be especially bad days where it's going to come out, or she'll pick up on something being very wrong because I'm terrible at hiding my emotions.

I am legitimately excited to see how things go with her but at the same time I'm worried that she'll just think I'm too much of a burden to date. I guess there's nothing I can do about the latter, and if she doesn't want to deal with it then I guess she isn't the right person for me anyways. I keep telling myself that I'm an amazing person that deserves love and respect, and I do believe that to be true. I guess we'll just see where things go from here.

  • Like 1

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Join the conversation

You can post now and register later. If you have an account, sign in now to post with your account.

Guest
Reply to this topic...

×   Pasted as rich text.   Paste as plain text instead

  Only 75 emoji are allowed.

×   Your link has been automatically embedded.   Display as a link instead

×   Your previous content has been restored.   Clear editor

×   You cannot paste images directly. Upload or insert images from URL.


×
×
  • Create New...