Captain's Log - JSmith

[JSmith]

Captain's Log - JSmith | 10.12.2016 | Post-Detox Day 9

Was just watching some videos on Youtube regarding the upcoming predsidential election. What a shit-show. There actually aren't too many Americans on this forum so I feel comfortable with talking a little bit about this. It's the first election I'm actually qualified to vote in...and this is the best we have to pick from. It's unbelievable. At first I considered myself an uninformed citizen, not knowing (or caring...to be perfectly honest) enough about politics to make a vote based solely on knowledge and/or logic. But then I watched this one video and some guy's like "if America goes to shit and you didn't vote, it's your fault" and I'm getting emails about registering to vote on campus and I'm hearing all the bad shit about the candidates and...PRESSURE. I mean it's one thing to have an opinion on what you would like for your country, but when I'm watching another video and this other guy is saying "these candidates are going to do damage...pick whoever you think will do the least damage" it's like well damn, maybe I shouldn't just sit on the sidelines. I don't know.

America is great, amirite? (please feel free to strongly disagree, I won't get butthurt)

I got nothing else for tonight, sorry. Just been working and stuff. Stay global.

 

[Reno F]

In Brazil vote isn't optional. If we are not happy with the candidates, we can always vote "blank", but we have to do it. I don't like having to vote, but I would vote for every election.

I think you should vote. But never get in a heated argument with anyone because of politics. Not worth.

PS: you're younger than I thought you would be

[JSmith]

Captain's Log - JSmith | 10.13.2016 | Post-Detox Day 10

Today wasn't that great of a day. Woke up in a scramble to finish my physics lab report, then all productivity kind of just stopped thereafter. Not sure as to why, I just remember getting to the library in the afternoon and kind of just sitting there...decided I needed a break and didn't really recover. Oh well.

Been feeling quite unsatisfied with my friends lately. I don't know, there's a vibe I get whenever the four of us are all hanging out together I don't quite like. Something just feels off; I don't feel as connected to them anymore. Was especially awkward this evening. I don't even know if I want to sit with all of them in the future. It is a scary concept, especially in a school like mine, where it's all groups groups groups and if you're not in one you're pretty much out. It sucks honestly. But of course being alone is always better than being with people who make you unhappy. Even moreso for an introvert like myself.

Kind of snowballed into a generally low mood later on in the night. Which is ironic becuase I was actually hanging out with one friend (I always feel better with just one other person than with a group) and we were having a decently good time when it hit me. That sadness I feel whenever I desire for a girlfriend...I feel like a weak piece of shit everytime I mention it, but it happens. Probably because I saw a couple familiar faces (it's a long story), or maybe because of all the sad romance stories I keep reading from Quora, or maybe because I haven't heard jack from my roleplaying partner in three days (and it's not because she's "too busy"...I know for a fact she's lying). Or maybe because all of the above. It's just weird because I know it's not something I can really chase, like I guess I could "try" but that's not really how it works anyways. Might the people I hang out with play a role? Not directly of course, like I'm not blaming them...I just find it interesting that literally none of my friends are in a relationship either. Maybe that's not so odd, maybe I'm overanalyzing. I just feel like there has to be an equation...some algorithm I can read that explains exactly why I am where I am. My entire life it feels as if I've been combatting this feeling, trying to fight or suppress it so it doesn't destroy me from the inside. Unlike any of the other challenges I've faced, I have absolutely NO idea how to fight this...and yet trying to ignore it seems just as difficult. Any attempts at trying to understand only leave me frustrated and confused.

I should just give up and play video games. That's easy and fun, right?

Goddamn life.

Ah, sorry. Spiraling again. I should get some sleep. Ha, that's funny. One of my roommate's friends just said "greatest moments of my life, playing smash". My sentiments exactly. Goodnight wonderful people. 

@Reno F how old did you think I was?

[Reno F]

I thought you were on your early twenties @JSmith.

It sounds that what you're going through now might be common at your age. I can recall feeling in a similar way.

Perhaps later on you will be pissed with your friends who found themselves a girlfriend and now don't have time to hang out with friends anymore. Just a guess, I hope I'm wrong (in a good way)

 

[JSmith]

I thought you were on your early twenties @JSmith.

It sounds that what you're going through now might be common at your age. I can recall feeling in a similar way.

Perhaps later on you will be pissed with your friends who found themselves a girlfriend and now don't have time to hang out with friends anymore. Just a guess, I hope I'm wrong (in a good way)

 

I'm turning 21 in December. 

*cringe warning*

Maybe I would be upset, but I wouldn't blame them. I've never cared about collecting friends, just having that special someone aha.

[Reno F]

"grab a spoon"

[Cam Adair]

Happy early birthday!

[JSmith]

I don't even know what to call this. There's no ship anymore...and the captain is lost.

It's been a while since I've posted anything on here. Yesterday was my 22nd birthday, and I was sad. Just like on my 21st birthday, and my 20th, and my 19th...and I'm tired of it. I don't even know where to start. I thought I knew what it was I wanted to do with my life, but now I have no idea. I mean, I made a list, it's still there, but the why of the list, that's what's getting me. The why is just as important as the what, and they don't make any sense. And I can't trust my own brain to stick with a decision, because things keep changing, I keep changing, and suddenly what I want isn't what I want. And I can't stick with something. And that's been the last two years.

And I'm unhappy because I am not where I want to be in my life. I'm not where I imagined I would be when I was in high school. I don't have much. I left school because, honestly, I stopped believing in my dreams. But survival...I wasn't thinking about that. Maybe I should have stayed, maybe I should have switched majors, I don't know. College was kicking my ass anyways. I wasn't going to make it. It's all in the past now.

Video games. They've been dragging me down. I told myself I was playing them because I actually wanted to, and that I wasn't escaping from anything. But lately, that's exactly what I've been doing. Just playing a ton, when I should be doing other important things, like finding better work, so I can get out of where I am currently. If that's even possible. But it's better than not trying at all, so no more computer games. I still want to play this mobile game on my phone, because it's a Star Wars game and I'm invested, but I just saw The Last Jedi a few hours ago and I'm so disenchanted with the mythology right now I almost want to quit that too. But a step at a time I suppose.

That's all I got for tonight, I'm pretty tired. I just felt like reaching out. I could use a hand right now, at least until I find a professional counselor or someone to speak with. Got a bunch of names from my doctor I have to sift through. And it won't be cheap either. Goodnight.

[Cam Adair]

Hey bro, good to have you with us again - always enjoyed your entries in the past. 

[Hitaru]

Hi again, other captain! 

I know that feeling man. Both the feelings of being lost and Star Wars going to hell, hah. Money does that to things.

Look, I think in the bottom of your heart you know what you need to do. Stop playing and doing all those things you do to escape, get a clear perspective of what you want, realize it will be really challenging and scary to try, panic for a while, get over it and do it. If you're changing, that's good, you're searching, you're evolving. But in the end, there's something you want to do. Above other things or at least before other things. Go and do that. I mean the second thing, since the first will probably be to play video games to keep delaying taking action. Or that's only me? 

[JSmith]

Day 1 of...something

Alright, alright, that's enough for one day. Not even sure how I want to frame this thing. Got up, went to work....no, that's now how I want to do it. Or is it?

Nah, screw that, let's mix it up. I'm just going to throw random shit on this page in no particular order.

- Classical Piano

- Gaming

- Novel Writing

- Karate

- Spaceships

Oh my, what a list. There it is, those are my interests. Nah I'm just being scared. No, here's what I actually did:

Oh no, I can't do that either, I can't keep copy pasting lists, then this will get too long haha. Oh but why am I afraid of such a thing? This journal is for me, I shouldn't care so much about others. Oh, but I do, or else I would just be writing in a word document or something, hm.

@Cam Adair Hey man, good to hear from you again. It's certainly been a while.

@Hitaru I guess that's why I'm doing all of this, to find out what that something is.

Oh speaking of which, that list again...oh geez, where do I even...uhm. Let's see. I saw an anime that revolved around classical piano, it was beautiful, it made me cry, so after I left school I started taking lessons. Woah head spinning. Okay it passed. Well, kinda. Did an actual performance after about four months, I nailed it, but I didn't feel much, other than the satisfaction of having nailed it, which didn't seem worth it. Dropped it becuase I needed to save money. Gaming, well, I've talked about that plenty of times. Still curious about the idea of starting a gaming channel, but there's no way in hell I'm gonna do that in my mother's living room, and I kinda can't anyways. A living space of my own is required. And gaming just to game isn't gonna get me there, which oh by the way, I uninstalled all my computer games and stuffed my gaming mouse and mousepad in a box. So much free time today...and I actually used it all too. Novel writing...so between me leaving school and this post I managed to not only finish planning for that novel I talked about, but I also wrote about 25,000 words towards the first draft. Shit, that was like, a month ago. Why did I stop? I don't even remember. Something distracted me. Haven't even stepped inside of a karate class since I left school, yet that shit still consumes my thoughts from time to time, surprisingly. I still even have my belt and uniform, in the aforementioned box. And spaceships, well, let's not even go there right now.

I came home today and just did a little bit of everything. Well, first I had a bunch of boring adult stuff to catch up with, then I started messing around. Dusted off the ol' Pomodoro timer. Half an hour of this, half an hour of that. Oh, all I did was write and play some piano. No way, I did more than that. Okay, so mostly the boring adult stuff. Damn, I'm gonna have even more time tomorrow. I'm scared.

I have yet to drive a Tesla Model S at my job (I park cars). I WANT that car. I mean, beamers are nice too, but cmon man, we're killing the planet.

Oh, now I'm starting to remember why I stopped writing. Total burnout. Two and a half hours a day, on top of everything else, that's freaking insane. Unsustainable. Or is it?

You know what I did for the half hour of writing today? Stared at a wikipedia page. Martian time vs. Earth time. I think I typed ten words, in a spreadsheet. Didn't even open the manuscript. Okay, so probably not the best idea to be writing in the living room, too much noise. Will have to go back to the library.

The more intricate and difficult a piano piece gets, the more I enjoy playing it. Interesting observation. And then there are the genuine just great sounding ones.

So there's this girl I may or may not have a crush on at work. I mean, I guess that means I don't, since when it comes to matters of the heart, you should know pretty much right away, am I right? I mean, let's not play games here. Then again, there's something about her. I spoke to her today very briefly. She asked me how the weather was. THE WEATHER. SHE ASKED ME ABOUT THE WEATHER. That smile though, damn.

Spent maybe half the time at work daydreaming about being a Jedi. I could be a far better Jedi than Rey ever could. I bet Daisy Ridley doesn't know the seven forms of lightsaber combat. I do.

I think...I've sufficiently emptied my system. Just in time for bed. Goodnight people.

I actually missed several things, but honestly that's okay. Not even gonna proofread. No, I can't. I have to proofread. Gonna fight the urge to make edits, because this isn't the New York Times. Until tomorrow.

[Hitaru]

I want a novel about a wandering karate master in space, with a classical piano soundtrack and pop culture and video game references. There, problem solved (???) 

[JSmith]

Day 2 of...something

Did all the shit I did yesterday. Research on army/air force operational units for my novel. Applied to another job. Messed around in one of my piano books. Parked cars.

I guess I should really be working more on the manuscript but I may need to do a more detailed outline before I continue with it. There's just too many details.

Plus more boring adult stuff that took more time than I expected. Should have more free time tomorrow.

Too much drama happening in this apartment. And noise. Need to get out. Still.

Okay, so maybe I should work on my novel/job hunt first and then do everything else after. Taking a bus to the library at 8pm just doesn't sit well with me...and neither does working in the coffee shop of a supermarket, despite it being within walking distance (drama there too, employees complaining 24/7)

I made the most amazing, concise list of everything I'm interested in just a couple hours ago. It's like...crazy. Not sure where to go from there.

Considered picking up a copy of Steven Covey's The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People today, but I figured if I'm going to pick up reading again, I should probably finish Carl Sagan's Demon Haunted World first. Great book. One at a time.

Feelings are so come and go, you can't trust them really. I came home from work feeling grumpy as hell until I stuffed a sandwich in my face.

@Hitaru that sounds insane...

I actually have a second novel idea, but I mean, one at a time, right? It's just...this one seems like it would be so much better. Then again I've been working on my current story for so long, it feels completely washed out. I was 13 when I came up with the idea. This new idea feels more mature.

I'm considering joining the air force. Well, kinda. It sounds like a decent backup plan. And I can pursue my childhood dream of becoming a pilot. Yes, it's on the list.

I feel like tomorrow is going to be even more scary than today. How odd.

Goodnight folks.

Edited December 21, 2017 by JSmith

[Hitaru]

I'll take it you're writing my idea someday, I'll be looking forward to it 

Sort out the ends, and you'll find the means. I'm not very good at determining "I'll be a writer", but I know "I want to write a book", so I can have in mind the means to do that (devoting time to research and write, etc.). If you don't know what you want to be, picture what you want to experience, go from specific to broad. You'll find some unexpected and interesting things. 

[JSmith]

Day 3

What the fuck am I doing?

I...I don't know.

I've taken a lot of action over the last three days, but to what end? I feel like I would be so much better off if I just chose ONE thing to focus on and did that. Instead I'm kinda dabbling.

1 tomato spent drawing up military organizational details for said novel

1 tomato spent finding a better job

1 tomato spent playing piano pieces out of what I'm sure is a piano lesson book for kids...at least I'm on Level 2

10 pages of Demon Haunted World

"KARAH-TAY? You should be making me MONEY-YEE!"

Oh my god it's so cold outside I don't even want to bother doing shit like waiting for the bus, but having that quiet space at the nearby college was very helpful. The library is closed for winter break (AHHH) but I think the engineering building will still be open. Only time will tell.

So apparently some family of mine will be having a big meeting tomorrow, and from what I hear drama may ensue, so I'll have to dissappear at 6pm. I hate drama.

I may rewatch The Last Jedi. Someone said they liked it better the second time around, and I must admit there are a few scenes I'm dying to see again. Maybe.

I'm not feeling this tonight. Maybe I had too much ice cream. Mmm, ice cream.

Back to music.

 

[JSmith]

@Hitaru I may do that as a private writing exercise tomorrow.

[Cam Adair]

Thanks for sharing keep it up! 

[JSmith]

Day 4

Maybe I should make a brand new journal. That Space Shuttle pic though, so beautiful. No idea what the title would be. Probably Rhonin's Journal.

I think music is by far the greatest constant in my life. No matter what I'm doing, no matter what I'm going through, I'm always listening to music. It's probably the last thing I would give up. Though now that I mention it, I'm curious as to what my life would be like without it.

Speaking of which, I have a piano lesson tomorrow. Haven't had one since late June. Figured why not see what this new guy can offer me.

So I spent some time today writing about everything I want to experience in the world. It wasn't a full circle entry or anything, and I got really exhausted in the middle of it. Digging deep is always exhausting, not sure why. Does this happen to anyone else while journaling? Anyways, already had a couple interesting insights. For one, none of my desired experiences involve any kind of writing, joining the air force, or any kind of engineering. For another, I find it very unsettling that being a Jedi was the very first thing that came to mind...seeing as Star Wars is fake. In fact, I had to make two lists, the second where I split the experiences into two catagories: FANTASY and REAL. Still no writing, air force, or engineering.

And it kind of makes sense. Jedi in the Star Wars universe were not only Jedi, but they also flew starfighters and commanded entire vessels, like the Venator class ships of the Republic (before they turned into Star Destroyers). I think they can even command small fleets. And then there's Battle Meditation...so there's my flying/technology/karate/lightsabers/futuristic fix right there, all in one fantasy. I don't need to get into the similarities between karate and the Jedi order...I think that's pretty apparent. Everything else...writing, air force, engineeering, karate...are just my attempts to get closer to this fantasy. Though I still think it would be pretty cool to wear a black belt. Left it on the list for that reason.

And then piano. Piano was actually the only thing I managed to get done today, other than the private journaling. Felt like practicing, didn't feel like doing the other things I've been doing. But feelings come and go of course. I've said this before.

Hah, because of how this text box is designed, it looks like the Space Shuttle is talking. That's funny.

"We cannot tell the precise moment when friendship is formed. As in filling a vessel drop by drop; at last there is one drop which makes it turn over, so in a series of kindnesses there is at least one which makes the heart run over."

Best book quote I've ever read. Memorized it too. Ray Bradbury is exceptional.

Aaand now I'm tired. Still so much to talk about, but...that's enough for now I guess.

[Hitaru]

- Is journaling tiring? Yes. It's part of the idea tho. Like you really improve in a workout when you reach the point of exhaustion, you usually get to the raw ideas and emotions when you scratch the surface by writing it down. That's how it works for me at least, probably it does for others as well.

- About Fantasies vs. Reality. Randy Pausch in his Last Lecture found (what I think was) a really smart solution for this. He said how he would have this childhood expectations that of course were not always realistic or physically attainable, but he would always try to reach the closest compromise. Eg. Maybe it was impossible to him to be an astronaut and travel to Mars, but there are alternatives to be able to experience 0-gravity.

[tirEdOrange]

Hey there, just started reading through your latest entries and I gotta admit that I like the way you write, i think if I would put it in one word I would say talented. It keeps me engaged and is very comfy to read at the sam time.

Anyway^^

Totally relate to the feeling that you wanna do everything but feel like focusing on one thing would bring more results but then again sometimes you have doubts and no energy so you don't stick to anything at all and just switch around goals. Something like that.

In my experience trying out a gaming channel was the worst thing that I could try out in a state like this.

I just tried a couple of things one by one and looked into them for a while and for me it turned out like this:

It really doesn't matter what you choose, as long as you can happily live while going down that road. There's no reward for doing everything at once, except maybe a burnout. I know it feels like time is running out in your 20ties but there's no reason to run into all directions just to be unhappy. I chose now to finish my studies and I'm happy while doing it(It has been a loooong way until here tho^^). I mean, I would love to be a Guitar god with an super athletic body who makes a session while running a triathlon collecting panities and fame on my way, all with a book in my sidehand so I pass semester and I'll probably get to this point, just not right now

I failed multiple times trying to do everything at once and now I pursue one thing at a time and it seems to work out and most importantly: I'm satisfied and happy (as long as i meditate and Journal atm).

Hope I could help a little bit with my experience of this topic (sry for long entry)

[JSmith]

Honestly I don't know if I should make a new journal or keep posting entries in this one. I feel like it might help me break away from the past, or maybe it doesn't really matter. I kind of like having everything in one place.

I haven't been on here in a while because, truth be told, I relapsed pretty hard. A snowstorm hit last week and I just...stopped doing everything. Dove back into the computer/mobile games and camped out in my mom's apartment. Now here I am tonight, writing another journal entry, angered into beginning another full 90 day detox after my mother suddenly approached me yesterday morning talking about how she and my stepdad are frustrated with me about not going to work and sitting around playing games all day and now I have to follow certain expectations and "act like an adult" if I'm going to stay here.

She was right, I had fallen off track. And yet I'm having difficulty pinpointing what exactly about her complaints pissed me off so much. Maybe it's that I've been busting my ass this entire past year trying to make all kinds of shit work, and now she's against me because of one bad week. Maybe it's the fact that she clearly hasn't been paying enough attention; yes I've slacked off, but I've still been applying to jobs and doing career research from time to time. Or maybe it's the fact that she indirectly called me a child. My heart is pounding as I type this. To be honest, I really don't give a fuck what my parents or society deems as "adult" behavior. I don't give a fuck about the status quo or how someone my age is "supposed" to act. All I want to do is live an independent life, free from dependence or forced interaction with other people.

Or maybe it's the fact that my stepdad does drugs for goodness sake...if he gets off the plant then maybe I'll put more stock in his frustrations.

But what can I argue? I have no college degree, no source of income (not since I quit my valet job this afternoon...too cold and they're laying us off next month anyways), living on my mother's couch.

So fine, I'll wise up. No more gaming under her roof. Then she'll have nothing to complain about. I was far angrier yesterday than I am today. I don't understand, I've worked hard many periods in my life, very hard. I've tried and failed and tried again, and it's like nobody cares. They see me how I am right now, and they judge.

But whatever. This is good for me anyways. It doesn't make sense to play video games right now, since I can't even really do it the way I want to. It's like...I've been trying to get comfortable since I've been here, instead of trying to get OUT. I mean, don't get me wrong, I've been trying to get out, just not hard enough. Once I have my own place, I can try pursuing things I'm interested in, like piano or writing or gaming, but I gotta get the place first. A year ago I looked at this same issue and I thought to myself "well it's just an excuse if I decide 'oh well I should wait until things are better' because things will never be just right for me to start pursuing my goals" and while that's true in a sense, there still needs to be a foundation.

I don't have a bed to sleep on. I don't have a desk for my laptop. The internet constantly goes out because there's too many devices and not enough bandwidth. Hell is freezing over outside and there's cold air streaming over my bedsheets and my things from cracks between the windows and I'm huddling in front of a tiny space heater because keeping the apartment heat on is too expensive. And I've got the piano I bought last year against the wall with my lesson books and I still have my karate uniform and belts in a box from college and I've been trying to write a damn novel. And I've been obsessing over a pay to win Star Wars mobile game. That last one is just...the ultimate sin. Minus the Star Wars.

Last night I spent $200 gearing up a character and then deleted the game hours later when I decided enough was enough. I felt horrible. I still have plenty of money to last while I get going...but to throw large amounts of money away like that...is just stupid. For a game where only the spenders get the high ranks, skill means almost nothing, if not nothing. For a game that tells me when to play, I can't decide when to play. Because it had Star Wars on the label. Because the character was Luke Skywalker.

Fuck that game, and fuck Electronic Arts. But I still made the choice, so it's ultimately my fault. I'm just venting at this point. Kudos if you're reading all of this. I don't even know what that means. "praise and honor recieved for an achievement" I guess I used that semi-correctly?

I actually feel a little better now. Maybe I can talk about what I actually did today.

DAY 1

So...yeah I guess I'm actually doing this. I woke up today with some hella-powerful urges to redownload those mobile games I uninstalled, and it lingered throughout the day, but I resisted. I felt more anger today, for some of the reasons I mentioned above. My stepdad and my sister, they love the plant. My dad, he loves his sports. But I can't have my video games, because then my life gets all messy. I actually don't know what my mom does; I rarely see her. Like I said, it makes more sense to try again when I'm on my own, after the basics are taken care of. But not until then. And who knows, maybe by the time I get there, my life could be so awesome I won't need to play games. I won't close myself to that possibility, though I have yet to see it.

Okay, that's a lie. I kinda saw it, a year and a half ago, during my first detox. Right before college started up again. I was feeling happy. I had my own room, I was working, I was studying, I was doing karate, I was making real progress in my life. But then the semester began and it all just went to shit. Is it really all my fault? Am I still solely to blame? I have read from various personal development sources that success requires taking full responsibility over one's life...and yet I feel so out of control it's difficult to even pinpoint where exactly I went wrong and what I could have done differently. But I shouldn't worry about the past. I should be thinking about the future. About how I'm going to get out of this place.

So today I started the enlistment process for joining the USAF. Which involved filling out a 26-page long application. I don't even know if I'm going to qualify now. I have many tricky health problems, and all these questions asking me to provide information on friends...references...people outside of my family who know me well...people that simply don't exist. I will talk to my recruiter tomorrow about this. I am a little nervous about joining. A four year committment is a long time, and a lot can happen. But it's a very good deal. I get most if not all my living expenses taken care of, lots of paid vacation time off, tuition assistance if I want to go back to school, and I still get paid.

And if I'm really determined, I could even become a pilot. I've always been fascinated with flying. But that's not my specific goal, not right now. I just need to get on my feet first. The point is I have options.

On the other hand, I could just stay in this town and look for a higher paying job and try to make it out on my own. I might be able to pull it off, but money would be tight. I've spent a lot of money on seeing doctors because of a knee problem I had during work, and now I might need braces as well. I already worked out a budget for all possible living expenses; having to pay $100-150 a month for braces shatters that. And the goddamn weather...last year I told myself I would never experience another northeast winter, and here I am. But again, that's my fault.

Funny enough, I'm pretty sure braces are also a disqualifying factor for joining the USAF. I really might need them though. Jaw pains, a crooked bite...so many problems  I have an appointment with the recruiter on Thursday to review my application. At least I'm doing something.

I had a very depressing thought on the bus ride back from my old job. What if there is no hope for me? What if I'm just heading towards an inevitable end? Homelessness? Panhandling on the streets? Suicide? No, I must fight it. But how?

I guess starting with another detox. This time is different. I quit gaming before while I was in college. But this, this is the real world. And it's very scary.

Sorry for the length. I know these are meant to serve the writers themselves, but I know how intimidating a wall of text can be. Consider it a make-up for my couple weeks of inactivity. The truth is, I don't even know if I can get through this without the support of this community. I've read many other journals and I know there are others struggling pretty bad as well. Perhaps I simply find comfort in knowing I'm not alone. At the very least, I vented.

[Jekyll]

There are few similarities between our stories and I couldn't resist the urge to relate a little. The first, and most obvious, is how much I hated my mother's nagging every waking moment of high school. She would try to institute rules like limiting the amount of time I played to 2 hours a day, or insist that when my friends slept over, we couldn't play past 11pm. Even when I was working in high school, she tried to implement a bedtime as a means to prevent me from playing, knowing that I would get home late from work. I think she was trying to have me be more social. I guess in her mind she didn't realize that I had more friends online and was more social with them than I was with anyone at school. It wasn't until I had my first girlfriend at the age of 17 that she finally backed off a little. My mother and I are on much better terms now, but her "help" felt like it did more harm than good. In high school, I was definitely not in a place to give up gaming. Space helped.

With respect to the military, I think the military is a great place for anyone who doesn't have a burning passion in life or clear plan laid out for them. You learn a lot of valuable skills and get to do things that no other profession offers. Both my parents were in the military and I think it prepared my mom very well for her career after she left the military. 

I don't wanna give advice, because idk anything. But I'll recommend a book that was recommended to me. All sorts of people recommended it to me and it took me 2 years until I finally gave it a shot, but the book is "The power of habits" by Charles Duhigg. I wish I had read it sooner. 

[JSmith]

So I've given up video gaming completely to devote more time and energy into completing my novel. Simple as that.

Wow, it does seem simple when I write it like that. Why couldn't I think this way yesterday?

I haven't posted in a while (that last attempt...embarrassing), but I've never really left. I always check in out of curiosity I guess. Curiosity to see how other people are doing in their lives, how they are progressing in their lives. And now that I've stopped gaming (again) my social circle has withered away to almost nothing. So I guess I'm back because I would like to be a part of some kind of community, even if it's only temporary.

One time while I was snooping I came across Cam's ad for betterhelp.com, and I leapt on it. I knew I wanted to get back into therapy for a long time, and this site makes it really convenient. Though I'm not too sure how effective it is. I've been talking with this therapist but some days she doesn't respond to me at all, which feels bad. I even marked a message as urgent and still nothing today. I might switch, but just having someone to check up on me is making it a little easier to deal with my problems. Apparently I am struggling with a love and sex addiction, which is incredibly ironic seeing as I'm single and have been for basically my entire life. It's a long story.

Anyways I told my therapist about this site and she didn't know anything about it. I don't know if writing here is necessarily the best solution to my social dilemma, but I might as well give it a try. I literally spent most of the day writing. I'm 30 pages into a full outline for my novel and I still have many scenes to make. This is crazy. Originally I was using "Slight Edge" tactics, but 30 minutes a day was just not cutting it for me. Why build up over time when I can just fucking attack it? I want my life to change, I want financial freedom, I want TRUE freedom, and the only way I'm gonna get there is by working my ass off. So it's time to do that.

In the meantime I've been accepted into a college again, so I'll be doing that. As easier as it would be, I can't just drop everything to work on my novel. Still have to make a living while I do that. And trying to do it without a degree, based on what I've seen so far in this last year and a half, seems just not possible. Or maybe I haven't tried hard enough because I was still gaming. Honestly, I'm so early into this, anything could be the case. In fact, I think this is the first time since I left college a year and a half ago that I HAVEN'T played any games. Got a whole sticky note of counters on my desktop. Today is day 4. But I'm not really thinking about the 90-day detox. I'm going to stay away from games until my book is done. Still it's nice to know how far I've come.

Right before I quit I was playing the crap out of Final Fantasy XV, which just came out on PC maybe a week ago. I've waited so many years to play this game, and I uninstalled on the second to last chapter. I was in PAIN for several days (especially since it's a good story too, not just a good game), but it's fading. Just to show how serious I am about this. Maybe once I've got a book contract and can get the hell out of this place, I'll finish it. But not until then.

I even hit the gym today, just because my therapist told me to. And I'm going back tomorrow. After that, lots more writing.

Edited March 16, 2018 by JSmith

[Cam Adair]

Talkspace.com might be a better fit - let me know if you switch and what your experience is!

Always appreciate your posts!

[JSmith]

The fact that I'm updating my counters after midnight is making keeping track of the days super confusing. I said yesterday was day 4, but I just added a 4 to my sticky note??? 

A captain who doesn't even know what day it is...

Oh I get it, that was the 4th day, this is the 5th day. We're back on track.

I think I went a little too hard at the gym today. My arms were still sore but I did more pushups, squats, attempted sit-ups (but my feet kept sliding on the mat. I'll have to find a wall next time) and spinning. Then I went home, showered and ran an errand. As soon as I got home to do laundry and write I was feeling tired and sick. Luckily a quick nap seemed to fix it. Just finished five 30 minute pomodoros of writing, which I have officially established as my minimum daily writing quota.

@Cam Adair Thanks, man. My therapist finally got back to me, so I'll give her a few more days at least. We're having literally four different conversations at the same time, a common pitfall I've noticed with pure online communication. Or maybe I'm just too off the rails...I feel like people are always missing the fine details in my messages.

Tomorrow and Sunday will be spinning only. I'll leave the strength training for M/W/F. I don't even think strength training is absolutely necessary. I just feel like if I'm gonna be at the gym every day, I might as well improve my heart and my muscles. Agenda for tomorrow will be exercise, shopping, and then writing of course. Depending on when I finish I may treat myself to some eats at the mall. They have a good ice cream place there. I can always do more writing afterwards if I'm super efficient. It's not like I've got anything else to do!

I have a part-time job interview at this bookstore I really like on Monday. Really hoping I get this one. I love bookstores.

Edited March 17, 2018 by JSmith