Captain's Log - JSmith

[JSmith]

Hi JSmith! Can I ask you a question?

I was reading about the morning pages, or the 750 words exercise you do every morning. Have you ever done it longhand? I want to add this to my mornings, but I wonder if writing long hand makes that much of difference. I'm trying it tomorrow, anyway!

I have done something similar with a paper journal in the past. But the main problem I have with longhand is that it's too slow for both my thoughts and in general. Also, the journal I was using, while it looked nice, was terribly lacking in writing comfort. With the 750 words site I can crank out an entry in 15 minutes with no trouble at all. And I find it still has the same theraputic effect, if not better actually; since my journal isn't physical I can really let go without worrying about anyone stumbling across it. I can't imagine not writing daily.

Edited September 8, 2016 by JSmith

[JSmith]

Captain's Log - JSmith | 9.7.2016 | Day 67

Today was a struggle. I missed most of my daily goals, except for journaling and studying. I was mentally exhausted after finishing up my physics work. This class is going to be just as difficult as everybody says it is. I have quite a few assignments coming up for early next week as well. And I'm still lagging behind on getting additional tasks done, like emailing the dean so he can get the damn provost to stop spamming my email about the credit limit, it's been overridden!

Anyways, I'm not exactly sure what I could have done to make the day better. I probably could have used the hour or so before my first class more effectively. That way I would have completed solidworks at the very least. As for later on in the day, I don't know. I don't remember taking any breaks at all, maybe that's why. I rarely use the breaks between my pomodoro timers, because I'm in the middle of working and I don't want to stop. But then I may end up flatlining, like today. But this is why I get the studying done first.

Saw something amazing on my way to karate today.

Almost didn't even take a picture, since of course it wasn't the first time I ever saw a rainbow.

But then it turned into this.

Okay, that's pretty cool. Never saw a full rainbow before. I climbed up a few outside stairs to try and get the best view possible.

So I'm smiling at my pictures, walking to the gym, feeling pretty good. And then I see THIS

Mindblown. There was no way I was going to keep these to myself.

Anyways, karate was karate. Well except for the exam. Which went fine, I hit my rank target, 4b kyu. I was used to having a quick maybe half-hour training session before testing, but this time we had a full class, which is the best haha. I was so worried I would screw it up, getting corrected left and right, fix this, fix that. It was almost like I had not been training nonstop for the last month...it's really frustrating sometimes. I'm still too tense in my techniques, which they've been telling me from day 1. But at least that's done; all I have to do is keep training and I'm confident I'll get brown belt in December. Sure belts don't really matter, but I need goals in my life...

Really not sure how I want to modify this plan. I need more time to study, but I don't want to cut anything else out, because it's all so important to me. I need to do solidworks, I need to read good books, I need to do aerospace research, I need to get this damn story out of my head...

No. I just looked at my schedule again. I already planned it out on paper. I had so much time for breaks and other stuff. But I didn't really follow it. I'm exhausted just thinking about it now. I'm going to have to do this tomorrow...there's just too much spinning in my head right now. Too many details.

 

[Cam Adair]

Love the pics. Some days won't go according to plan - that's ok. Adjust and learn from it. Maybe on days you have physics work you need a bit more rest.

[Reno F]

Thanks for the answer, JSmith! I started free writing today morning, it took me 30 minutes to write about 520 words longhand, and I wrote it almost non-stop. The speed is actually good, I could see the benefits of having the things written slower, but then there are the advantages that you mentioned already. I think I might move to digital after one week or two.

Captain's Log - JSmith | 9.7.2016 | Day 67

 

Anyways, karate was karate. Well except for the exam. Which went fine, I hit my rank target, 4b kyu. I was used to having a quick maybe half-hour training session before testing, but this time we had a full class, which is the best haha. I was so worried I would screw it up, getting corrected left and right, fix this, fix that. It was almost like I had not been training nonstop for the last month...it's really frustrating sometimes. I'm still too tense in my techniques, which they've been telling me from day 1. But at least that's done; all I have to do is keep training and I'm confident I'll get brown belt in December. Sure belts don't really matter, but I need goals in my life...

Speaking of goals, did you know Karate will be an olympic sport in 4 years?

PS: Sick pictures!

[JSmith]

Love the pics. Some days won't go according to plan - that's ok. Adjust and learn from it. Maybe on days you have physics work you need a bit more rest.

I have physics work almost every day, but I'll try to take more advantage of the breaks in between my pomorodors, instead of just blasting through it. Thanks for the support.

Thanks for the answer, JSmith! I started free writing today morning, it took me 30 minutes to write about 520 words longhand, and I wrote it almost non-stop. The speed is actually good, I could see the benefits of having the things written slower, but then there are the advantages that you mentioned already. I think I might move to digital after one week or two.

Captain's Log - JSmith | 9.7.2016 | Day 67

 

Anyways, karate was karate. Well except for the exam. Which went fine, I hit my rank target, 4b kyu. I was used to having a quick maybe half-hour training session before testing, but this time we had a full class, which is the best haha. I was so worried I would screw it up, getting corrected left and right, fix this, fix that. It was almost like I had not been training nonstop for the last month...it's really frustrating sometimes. I'm still too tense in my techniques, which they've been telling me from day 1. But at least that's done; all I have to do is keep training and I'm confident I'll get brown belt in December. Sure belts don't really matter, but I need goals in my life...

Speaking of goals, did you know Karate will be an olympic sport in 4 years?

PS: Sick pictures!

I do! Tokyo 2020, gonna be an interesting one. 

[JSmith]

Captain's Log - JSmith | 9.8.2016 | Day 68

I'm not feeling good right now, mentally speaking. This, lingering wish...creeping up on me once again. Making me question everything. I even logged back into my old roleplaying site, didn't write anything though. I was looking for someone I did a 1x1 with a long time ago. She's still there. I think about her too much, I should really let her go. I should let it all go. But I can't.

Studied today of course, that's still #1. Ended up doing 6 pomodoros; was nervous about getting my physics hw done on time - it's due Monday - so I pulled a little extra. Then I did Solidworks later, but that's it. Oh well. Need to remember I also have three other classes with homework...

Edited September 9, 2016 by JSmith

[JSmith]

Captain's Log - JSmith | 9.9.2016 | Day 69

Had an alright day today. Spent my entire studying time memorizing all the Japanese hiraganas; kanji and vocab quiz next week

Met with the campus mental health doctor, to see about how I've been doing the last month with the wellbutrin. Told him I was still struggling a little bit with social anxiety and bouts of loneliness, which led to a back and forth discussion about girls...left me feeling a little frustrated in the end. Mainly because I had trouble putting my thoughts and feelings into words, which happens often actually. I figure out what I truly wanted to say AFTER the conversation has already ended. So annoying. I also dislike how short the meetings are, which is why I stopped seeing a regular therapist. Half an hour every two weeks equals getting absolutely nothing accomplished, and they keep changing the subject. I wish I could see someone like every other day or something, for longer. There's just so much I need to unpack.

Again skipped out on novel work, reading and solidworks. I should get back on that huh...I'll figure something out tomorrow.

[Reno F]

Hey J, I had two low days as well. Maybe this thing is contagious.

[Cam Adair]

Low days happen! No sweat, they will pass.

[JSmith]

Captain's Log - JSmith | 9.11.2016 | Day 71

Oh geez. Day 71. That leaves 19. So why do I feel like I'm progressing backwards?

I've made some poor decisions lately. NO I DIDN'T RELAPSE...I mean other poor decisions. Without going too much into detail I made the awful mistake of going back and messaging someone I used to know on my old roleplaying site, not to get back into it, but because I was looking for something. A relic, you might say. So of course now a couple days have passed and I know the person has read the message, but no response. And now I feel horrible again. I shouldn't have even tried...but I thought maybe, just maybe, it wouldn't be so bad.

I should just delete this stupid account. But I literally can't, there's no feature for it. I could scramble my password, but then I could just get it back using my email. I have spent countless weeks away from that place, and almost everyone I used to interact with are gone. But I can always go back, and that's dangerous. After I realized I was being ignored (again), all the old frustrations and triggers were coming back to me. I've had enough of this. I'm tired of letting women control my feelings. I need to just focus on myself.

If I didn't care about girls, what would I want to do with my life? That's a very difficult question I've realized, and I don't have a concrete answer. The urges to game again have actually been coming back, believe it or not. Again kind of my fault. I've been thinking about getting a new laptop, and it's difficult looking at the more powerful systems, especially if they have specs that could enable me to play games. At least this laptop has integrated graphics so I couldn't play any even if I wanted to. But it's lacking in other areas. For example, if I get a computer that can run solidworks it could also probably play games (can't get a mobile workstation because they're too damn expensive). I lied. I could get one for about the same price range. Doesn't mean I should. Plus I don't REALLY need a solidworks machine; won't be doing anything big for a while (especially if I keep slacking on practice).

Anyways, at least I did my studying for the day, of course. Still going strong on that. I just need to take some time and get reorganized. My to do list is growing again...

[Cam Adair]

Growth is deceptive. Sometimes you're growing and you don't know it. With that said, if you feel like you're slowing down a bit, go back to the basics. What were the variables contributing (positively) to your growth and momentum before, and how can you double down and get back on track with those?

[JSmith]

Captain's Log - JSmith | 9.12.2016 | Day 72

Today was rough. Woke up half an hour late out of exhaustion, despite going to bed on time. As a result there wasn't any hot water left in the showers (people actually get up early in my dorm, it kinda pisses me off), and the morning was colder than usual, so that was a grand time. Allergies hit me pretty bad too; my body's still punishing me for forgetting to take my Zyrtec two nights ago, this campus is relentless (I already taked about the grass...). Writing my 750 words was also a little upsetting. I seemed to be feeling less optimistic and more unsure about the path I'm on currently, while trying to answer the big questions. What do I want to see in the world? What do I truly want to do, and WHY? Mid response I had a huge trigger flashback to another roleplay I did about half a year ago, with a friend I actually got pretty close with, until we stopped talking a couple months ago. Pretty much just hit the floor after Japanese class. No studying today.

At least I took care of some organizational tasks before karate. Tomorrow is going to be pretty busy, with some hw to catch up on and studying for another Japanese quiz, but I also only have one class. I think I'll just hammer it all out after physics, pomodoro-style. Long breaks after 3 sessions, lunch at 12 for an hour, should be finished by 5.

Growth is deceptive. Sometimes you're growing and you don't know it. With that said, if you feel like you're slowing down a bit, go back to the basics. What were the variables contributing (positively) to your growth and momentum before, and how can you double down and get back on track with those?

Planning, Cam. I had a solid plan, and all I needed to do was follow it. But these Mondays/Wednesdays are rougher than I expected; I knew what I needed to do, but I crashed. I hated doing this in the past but I may need to schedule those two days, like minute by minute. Just because there's less room for error, unlike the other days. After studying my primary task will be making that schedule.

[Reno F]

I second what Cam said about growth. I have no idea when I became able to speak (broken) Japanese, but somehow I got there.

[JSmith]

Captain's Log - JSmith | 9.13.2016 | Day 73

Today was a productive day. Woke up on time and energized, had class in the morning, then hit the library. 11 pomodoros of studying today. Made lots of progress in my classes. Feeling good about the vocab quiz tomorrow for Japanese. Then I spent some time thinking about how I'm going to plan my future days, as promised, so I can be more efficient with my time. Results turned out pretty decent.

As long as I follow the time slots, I can knock out 5 pomodoros of studying and do a few other tasks I was doing earlier. Unfortunately there's not enough time for everything (not unless I want to risk my sanity by taking no breaks...won't take that risk) so I've decided not to do Solidworks or any Aerospace related work Mondays or Wednesdays. Better I leave those more intensive tasks for the other days, when I'm not doing as much schoolwork. I have also decided to double the work I'm doing for my novel idea; I really want to get this thing out, so two pomodoros per day. Would be great if I could publish it before 2020, or else I risk some possible major advance in technology screwing things up, hehe.

Really dissapointed to learn the Aerospace Institute on campus will be meeting Wednesdays at 7. That is literally when I have karate. And I'm not skipping on Wednesdays. Mondays or Fridays, I would have thought about it, but going three whole days without training, that's a no-no. I can still be a part of design competitions though, and I know one of the officers, so hopefully he can help keep me updated on events.

Will be giving this new schedule a shot tomorrow, hopefully it works out. Stay awesome.

P.S. If you're a nerd like me, you will love this video. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DKqY8sy3nkM

[Cam Adair]

 

Growth is deceptive. Sometimes you're growing and you don't know it. With that said, if you feel like you're slowing down a bit, go back to the basics. What were the variables contributing (positively) to your growth and momentum before, and how can you double down and get back on track with those?

Planning, Cam. I had a solid plan, and all I needed to do was follow it. But these Mondays/Wednesdays are rougher than I expected; I knew what I needed to do, but I crashed. I hated doing this in the past but I may need to schedule those two days, like minute by minute. Just because there's less room for error, unlike the other days. After studying my primary task will be making that schedule.

These two days need MORE focus, so counter that with a bit more rest time either the day or some day prior to it (and potentially after as well) to recover.

[WorkInProgress]

 

P.S. If you're a nerd like me, you will love this video. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DKqY8sy3nkM

pretty impressive

[JSmith]

Captain's Log - JSmith | 9.14.2016 | Day 74

So my plan failed. Pretty miserably, I might add.

First of all, 1:20-3:20 does not equal 180 minutes...I'm so good at mental math...which means I can really only do 5 pomodoros for studying plus MAYBE one more. One.

Second of all, I crashed. Again. Right after my last class. I just can't do this much. I was about 10 minutes late to studying after my lunch break as a result of staying in my Japanese class late to take my quiz, which happened because I had to stay late in Thermo to ask my professor a question...tried to make it up, skipped the 5 minutes breaks and only took the long one. Then after 5 pomodoros of purely physics I realized holy crap I have class soon, I thought I had more...oh.... Then I went to class. And then my brain shut down.

I honestly think I won't be able to do anything more than my regular studying on Mondays and Wendesdays. It's just too intense. Not to mention I will most likely be doing only physics these days, since the class is on Tues/Thurs and there's just a bucketload of work to do in between. And my lab starts tomorrow.

I can do extra stuff the other three days (and weekends), but as far as slight edge tactics go, it's not super efficient. I don't know how exactly I want to do that; I'll have to spend time later crunching more numbers. This is so frustrating, I almost want to just wing it. Maybe I should do that. Slight edge tactics for studying, just wing the rest. It's college, the schoolwork matters most. And karate, since it helps me work better. 

On the bright side I got a lot of new music today. Was a super mood booster after I hit rock bottom. Tomorrow is physics, studying, physics lab, then...I don't know. I'll probably be too tired afterwards to do any other work, but we'll see.

[WorkInProgress]

Sometimes you have to adjust things to your Situation. If studying and sports is the most iportant right now and you actually spent alot of time on it hats fine. YOu don't have to do all at once. Think what you would do if oyu would still gaming. I bet it is a real big difference all ready. Be proud of that.

[Reno F]

Don't be so harsh on yourself, mate. You're doing great!

[JSmith]

Captain's Log - JSmith | 9.15.2016 | Day 75

Writing this entry from the lounge on our floor since there's currently five people in my room playing super smash brothers. Hopefully they're gone by the time I have to sleep.

Very inspired by Cam's video today on going for your dreams. A lot of what he said resonated with the internal dialogue that's been going on within myself for some time now. I wish I could say more but it appears difficult for me to form complex thoughts at the moment. I must be more tired than I thought.

Wow. I got nothing. This is embarassing. Today was a busy day. Let's see, I have a karate camp coming up this weekend, looking forward to that. Will probably pack for that after my last class tomorrow.

I'm actually feeling a little irritable right now, so I'll just cut it short for tonight. Will probably have to write tomorrow's entry a little earlier, so I can get more sleep before our early departure. Or maybe I'll just sleep in the car. Decisions.

[Cam Adair]

Very inspired by Cam's video today on going for your dreams. A lot of what he said resonated with the internal dialogue that's been going on within myself for some time now. I wish I could say more but it appears difficult for me to form complex thoughts at the moment. I must be more tired than I thought.

Really appreciate that!

[JSmith]

Captain's Log - JSmith | 9.21.2016 | Day 81

Just realized recently I was supposed to do another reflection on Day 75, but, uh...as you may guess things kinda went awry.

Karate camp was great, I mean, aside from being sick the entire time. Common Cold hit me that Friday after my last post; thought I could power through it and get some good training in, but after two Saturday classes I was reduced to something along the lines of this:

Oh well, at least I got to hang out with some friends, although I'm not sure it was worth the expenses. I also fell behind on work (and other obvious things) since I didn't feel like doing pretty much anything when I returned. But I'm feeling better now so I'm doing what I can to get back on track. Not going to worry too much about what I missed, for now I just want to get back into the routine of doing those pomodoros, every day. I'm bumping it up to six. Worked pretty well today.

I can't believe I'm almost done with this detox. I was watching a couple of Cam's videos on some advice for afterwards, and while I don't like the idea of never being able to play games again ever, I have to admit that it might take a little while longer to start seeing satisfactory results, especially being in the thick of the semester and all. But I'll worry about that in nine days.

Thermodynamics exam on Wednesday (X.X)

Another great video @Cam Adair. I struggle with a perfectionist all-or-nothing mindset A LOT, and it was especially bad in high school. In fact, this was probably one of the factors that caused me to struggle to the extent I did my freshman year of college. Instead of trying to fix the mistakes I made as they were occuring, I would basically just give up on the day, playing video games while telling myself I would do everything perfectly the next day. And then if I didn't I would just give up again and repeat. Not smart.

Missed karate tonight because of homework; decided to make it up by hitting the exercise bikes at the gym. Not bad at all...until I got kicked out for wearing khaki pants. BIG DEAL  at least I got some cardio in. That was the second time I've ever used the gym on campus.

Anyways, I'm back. Oh, and I've decided to start trying meditation using Headspace. Neat little program. Stay awesome.

Edited September 22, 2016 by JSmith

[Reno F]

Glad to see you back, mate. What is the rule of this gym? Like, "food, pets and khaki pants not allowed inside"?

[JSmith]

Glad to see you back, mate. What is the rule of this gym? Like, "food, pets and khaki pants not allowed inside"?

They said it was a safety hazard...

[JSmith]

Captain's Log - JSmith | 9.22.2016 | Day 82

Today wasn't very productive I must admit. Not for lack of trying. A morning class, a 3 hour lab, and 8 pomodoros of studying, yet my Thermo homework is a complete mess and Physics homework...let's not even go there. But that's what I get for putting them off until the last minute. I should have thought through last weekend more intelligently; I'm still feeling the repercussions.

But it's done now. All my other assignments are due next week, I'm feeling better, and I'm back to my routine studying. Gonna bow out of tomorrow's after class karate party (haha, get it) so I can get all of my important tasks and work done during the weekend. As long as I stick to the two hours studying a day and go to bed on time, I should be ahead once again come Monday. Just in time for exams!

Speaking of karate, I'm going to try training three times a week from now on, instead of four. I'm not particularly worried about my abiity to reach brown belt by the end of the semester (unless my roundhouse kicks are still godawful, NEED TO STRETCH) and I think I simply need more time for my legs to recuperate after each class. Going Sundays and Mondays is pretty intense, and I'm never feeling 100% by Wednesday. Going to dial it down a bit, try focusing more on quality of training. Shouldn't be a big deal. I also heard that next year our dojo will be hosting national tryouts for the 2017 Shoto Cup, which is basically the World Tournament, which is pretty insane. All of the best karatekas from across the country will be coming here to qualify. Looking forward to seeing them perform. Geez I need to make sure this doesn't become a karate blog...

Important tasks for tomorrow:

- 2 hrs. studying (6 pomodoros)

- Complete one to-do list task