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Building me


Kad
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"Fine - I will feel this and embrace this.  It must be part of the journey I need to take.  It will not kill me, I will just feel like it is and then it will be over and I will be on the other side.  I don't want to do this. I do not have to take this step - I am choosing this step because it is my belief it is right.  If I fall and game it is not failure it is only failure when I give up and I am not giving up. I am not going to fall today."

Awesome. Especially the part about choosing

Thanks for such a vulnerable post. You clearly have come a long way on your journey of growth.

If you like podcasts, have you ever listened to Mental Illness Happy Hour (http://mentalpod.com/)? I highly recommend it, and the host has a history of childhood abuse as well, so it might resonate with you.

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Day 94

Feel much better since I sorted out what was in my psyche and causing issues.  Not going to be easy but it is now a familiar problem and I know how to work with it.  Reading other peoples journals to "see" their walks and how they dealt with things.  Thanks Kortheo for the suggestion.  The title of the podcast gives one pause, but, I will try most anything at least once.  Downloaded the slight edge to read.  Seems this has been inspirational for many.  We are 3 people short at work and we can not have vacation or days off.  My free time is limited at the moment and studying does claim a large portion of what is available.  I balance that with activities for me like this forum, relaxation (doing puzzles at the moment for stress) and some activity.  I like the tactile nature of handling the puzzles and the beauty of the colors and pictures.  There is the satisfaction of when it is done and its nice that is not critical to do or has a deadline.

Gratefulness: 

  1. Coffee,
  2. That I live rural and a deer lives in my yard
  3. I have a job, my family is awesome 
  4. I can read
  5. I am alive
  6. That I can self-improve

 

 

 

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Seriously amazing post,

also.. 

 

  1. That I live rural and a deer lives in my yard

 

 

 

I was wondering.. how can you scream at night, without neighbours either becoming worried, or calling the cops for the noise.

This offers an explanation to this question for me. 

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My hubby normally gets me awake before full volume.  Funny story on that...one time it was bad and my spouse covered my mouth to not wake the neighbors.  I was still asleep so I bit him.  It actually took him like 2 weeks to learn how to sleep with me not screaming.  It was just his habit...I would start, he would shake me and go back to sleep.  We are just both glad now it is in the past.

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Day 95

12 hour shift of work today and they are usually intense.  I used to dread and hate them. That is a recent lesson i have worked on....negative anticipation and self-fulfilling prophecies.  You anticipate a bad day and you get one.  That cycle of thinking keeps you trapped in negativity.  Mindfulness and staying in the task at hand really keeps clarity and focus and generates more efficiency instead of distracted and worried mind.  Gratefulness practice really helps bring in the positives.  What are you grateful for in that situation?  I am grateful I have a job and I like the people I work with.  We share the burden of a huge responsibility but we make a difference.  How awesome is that? It works for me! 

I am reading other journals and poor Kortheo's is my first one.  His walk is very inspiring and I am looking forward to others.  I just got to the part where he "killed" his accounts (as did others from the comments) and EEK.  I am apparently not ready, but, I have faith I will get there.  It seems his self-definition changes here.  Gamer to not gamer as a few others also mention.  This brings up an interesting point of self-labels.  We are who we think and circles back to we have the day we think.  We are gamers therefore we game.  We are not therefore we do not.  How do you change a label? Where is the defining moment we went from child to teen to adult?  We changed those labels and we can change this one.  Is it a symbolic act of "killing" the games/accounts? Is it an attitude? A paradigm shift like how we view the day?  We are constantly growing or most at least are trying to so self-definitions must be changing.  Time and patience and walking the non-gamer walk perhaps.  I like and admire how so many people on this forum put new activities into their lives as I am also doing.  We are not only breaking a habit and building a more fulfilling life but crafting a new label/labels.

Gratefulness:

  1. That I learned to enjoy my work most days
  2. Pandora for nice background work music
  3. That others share their journals
  4. Sleeping cats
  5. Morning coffee in bed
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Another day of a life free of games

I feel like I am practically living on this site atm, I'm not but I am using a large chunk of time resources on it.  I have identified a problem and generated ideas of resources to find solutions that I might use. Implement plan.  I am looking at other post 90 day journals and their walks/struggles and mainly wonderful successes.  I am building a great reading list, learning new sites, podcasts etc. expanding my knowledge base which I love.

This pattern has worked for me lots in the my life and it is not mindless.  I pick and choose those that fit my pattern of change and file the others for future when I am in a different spot maybe.  I also know I am in charge of the time and when I feel it needs to be shifted it will be.  All a matter of priority juggling. Gaming was blocking an area of growth ergo it was time to move on. The cost to benefit ratio was too high.  My entire life is juggling priorities it seems.  Cost-benefit ratios are second nature and I have learned over time that not all decisions require an instantaneous response.  Some are so important that you need to time to weigh it logically, emotionally, long-term goals, philosophically and how it will impact those important enough to you that you let them shape your life to a degree by their opinions and needs and how it sits with your values.  You will never have the right answer for 100%. At the end you do your best and go forward.  That is life in action.  It will take you unexpected places sometimes and other times it will go where you planned/hoped.  Never expected to be here at day 96 and digging in deep to the bedrock. Had planned to get through my 90 day detox, be done gaming addiction and move back to my main goal.

My biggest life lesson to date is that control is an illusion.  I have a gamer bud and we have debate night, our drink of choice, vent, mindless grinding and hours of intellectual argument (still do this just less often and I now do a puzzle or something rote that needs doing). He takes the opposite stance so I am certain others will disagree with this thought.  Anyway, back to my opinion that control is an illusion.  We all want it, we do everything to get it and it will even look like we are in control for awhile.  Then life shows you how little you control.  You think you own your body-life throws you an injury or an illness.  A disability even. Your mind-depression, fever, hormones, addictions, brain tumor.  People and their actions and the impact on your life.  Your life even could be over in a car wreck, murder etc.  Happens everyday - we all say secretly not me, I live in a safe neighborhood, I meditate, take of myself etc.  All an illusion. This illusion of control prevents overwhelming fear IMO.  Embracing that concept is the moment you live the most.  If I truly control nothing then I am so grateful for what is going on and you can roll with life more.  You see so much more because you are not fighting to control life or its direction.  You are experiencing it..in the moment..in its richness, pain, joy, sights, sounds, everything.  I am not saying don't do your best or grow or try to direct your life.  Just that I now know life happens in its own way and its frequently unexpected and many times it is even better than I had planned when I let go of my expectations.  When unpleasant things happen..it just is.  It is not a failure on my part.  I do not control the color of the sky or people or anything...it just is.  I am not saying I am not culpable or that my actions did not cause some of it.  Cause plenty of times I have made my own problems and the outcomes are not unexpected.  Life determines who pays the price of their actions though.  We have all speeded without a ticket, dodged the moment of idiocy bullet.  We know of others who got hammered by that same idiot moment.  Life in action - talk about RNG.  Let's see what is in store for us next!  Will I rise to the challenge and prevail? Will I fall flat on my face and have "A learning opportunity"?  Will it be riding the wave of peace today.  Who knows & I'm ok with that most days.:P

Grateful -

  1. Birds in the background
  2. Getting to the root of the problem possibly
  3. Leaning new ideas from others
  4. Sharing in the accomplishments of others
  5. Scented candles and soft throws
  6. That I have this moment to live
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The good stuff -

finding a new trail to hike with my family - i am getting stronger and reversing 6 years of couch potato lifestyle!

rabbits in the bush that did not run

Laughing at dead pool instead of mindless gaming

A steak and steam veggies - eating mindfully instead of between pulls etc

Friends on both sides of the screen that I love

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Interesting pondering! :)  I've thought about the same questions about determinism, responsibility and hustling. I guess everybody has to find the answer for himself. It's awesome to read this kind of philosophical post.

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Day 97

Rather an even day full of those nice quiet activities.  Studying for re-certification boards in Oct., nap, started reading The Slight Edge and it sounds interesting. Nicely sore from my hike yesterday.  I am not a regimented person, I love the feel of ebb and flow.  Work ofc puts me a pattern and I have one but days off are random.  I still do pretty much most of the same things but it is my best days for thought and recharging.  Still reading journals and so impressed with people.  I love what people write and the feedback they get. 

I have some gamer friends trying to make the talk to Cris about real life not games.  I was telling one yesterday about all these amazing people in this forum and they should join us even if still gaming to see how people are living life to the fullest better.  The gulf is growing between where I was and where I am going.  They have no interest in life outside of games and I just find that heart breaking.  I remind myself I was once them and others left before me and I made that same attempt. So, I shared my days free of games with those that left wow and games before me and they are helping me stay on this side.  Over time I have seen them pick up the pieces of their lives and build great ones.  Get jobs, pay bills, fix teeth and some put themselves through college, married and some with kids.  When they were tempted to come back to games it was so funny how we all said NO! You got free - stay there and don't come back and gamed on.  One of our number called games his electronic crack.  He was open about his recovery from alcohol, meth and pot.  He said gaming and smoking were the next to go.  He did it before me but had to move across country to build a new work and home life to do it.  So I will fix my life to the best of my ability and wait to help those others of my group when they are ready if ever.

Gratitude:

  1. The effort people make to try
  2. The people here doing their best
  3. Me doing my best too
  4. Our loved ones
  5. The basics - food, shelter and clothing
  6. The extras - computers, books, work, throws, music
  7. The icing - nature's beauty, art and healing our soul

 

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I do not control the color of the sky

That just means you haven't tried the right drugs yet or are not willing to try them (if they change sky color they are bound to be pretty deep on the cost-benefit charter)

I agree with you about control, but only in the sense of ´true´ control, where one would be a 100% in control of the outcome and the proces (kind of like a mathmatical formula). For the rest, it is kind of how someone I knew once said, it's all a matter of grade. If we all seek control like you say, realizing 5% control more then the last time, allows for less ´disasters´ in a large accumulation of actions. It doesnt eliminate all of the risk involved in actions taken, but the chance gets reduced, which gains us a higher net control value over the last time we pursued a certain outcome, thus lowering the risk. This is a necessity, especially if you aren't ´lucky´ in other words have more outcomes with a negative result, or value/percieve the outcomes that are negative more intensely then the positive one's. 

I just wanted to add my 2 cents, hope you don't mind =]

Since I read you, (that sounds weird but i mean it well) I've thought of you as a inspiration when it comes to soul healing.

Pce, keep posting, keep it real.

PS: This site has consumed some days of mine too, a lot of journals to read and be inspired by. I have a similiar approach to data-mining/information-harvesting like you, I keep reminding myself when it comes to this ´explosive´ investment of time, that I am not aware, of what information I may still be lacking that can help me out a lot on my journey.

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Realizing 5% control more then the last time, allows for less ´disasters´ in a large accumulation of actions. It doesnt eliminate all of the risk involved in actions taken, but the chance gets reduced, which gains us a higher net control value over the last time we pursued a certain outcome, thus lowering the risk. -JustBeingReal

This is pretty awesome way to look at it and a good motivator to keep trying!

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Long day full of so many things stressful, ups and downs.  Had one of those lifetime moments today and I was there.  There in body, spirit and mind.  That was/is the good stuff of why I quit.  I sit here tired and thinking things through and realize I am doing ok with the withdrawal.  I did not think about games today when I was very busy and my computer at work broke.  I did not think about games when both my kids had meltdowns in two different places.  I had an unexpected email late today about a very difficult situation that may be the first sign of good news in 9 months of turbulence and did not think of games then either.  I want to relax and unwind and did not think about them then either. This is a great day.

Switching what I am reading from Slight edge to the Power of Habits book.  Apparently there is an order per Cam in Joe's journal!  I was only 2 chapters in so no biggie.  Trying to commit to meditation in the am.  Tried today, could not get app to work or my account.  So opened a new one and will try again tomorrow.  These things happen.  Persistence will pay off in most of my struggles.  There is a place for stubborn refusal to give up no matter how bad things go.  It makes the victories all the sweeter.

Grateful:

  1. The end of a day to just be tired and quiet.
  2. The sound of washing machines and dryers.  Reminds me life goes on no matter what
  3. For people to walk life with
  4. Cam for putting together this site for us
  5. New tea lite candle holder that puts pretty light shadows on the ceiling
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Grateful:

  1. The end of a day to just be tired and quiet.
  2. The sound of washing machines and dryers.  Reminds me life goes on no matter what
  3. For people to walk life with
  4. Cam for putting together this site for us
  5. New tea lite candle holder that puts pretty light shadows on the ceiling

Pictures please!

It seems you went through a lot of stuff today, and yes the sound of washing machines is good especially when you are tired. It also is a sound you usually hear when you are at home, and thus in a place where you aren't forced to do anything.

Back to the hard day, I think you did great, because in my opinion, the days when the choices to not game are easy don't count/define us, it's the days that are rough when the choice to game is hard, that truly define us and count.

Keep chugging on mate.

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What apps do people use to track habits?  I will try to get a pic for ya!

Some post their goals here and check them up every time they journal. Others use habitica(full of gamifications), or chains.cc.

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100 days - it is a milestone in my opinion.  Life has interesting timing.  Today I get an email from a game I alpha tested.  If I log in they will list me and the other alphas in the game credits.  Oh and we can play pre-launch. It is tempting and sad.  Sad that it is tempting and a reminder of some fun I had.  Funny, I had thought then maybe I was making a difference and now I ask myself.  A difference in what? How a mechanic or function worked?  Choices.  I might log on to get my name on it, but, I truly can not see myself there.  The reasons I left gaming are still there.  I do not have the right words but gaming seems 2D somehow now.  I do not know how I made it so important 100 days ago and for so dang long.  Ok, I know I was hiding from real life in games but it does not seem to apply at the moment and last 100 days.

Life is a struggle with how intensely busy it is and how much I have to do.  The tasks seem herculean to accomplish.  The desire to turn away is real and rest seems so far away.  Then I remind myself where I really am.  In life and doing the things I want to do and being part of the things I want to be part of.  Things are finally working on massive undertakings I have worked on for 9 months.  In September, a very hard situation at work happened and will be going on for years.  I have written 3 ways to explain what happened and then deleted them. Honestly it is not needed to share the details.  I quit gaming in the middle of this because I realized, I can not wait for life to be calm to change the things that need changing.  It will never be calm enough.  You just start and go and do your best. It gets easier.  I learned forgiveness during this time.  I have always know forgiveness is for you and not the other person.  Now, I know it is true and it is freeing.  I do not need vengeance for the recent or the remote past.  I put those issues into God's hand and leave it. Those that have wronged us are imperfect humans too and children of God/Universe however you see it.  Freedom there too.

Rest is not that far and I would regret it if I left at this moment.  I am juggling so much and putting other things into place I want to put in place.  Me and meditation are not happening but it sounds like it would be such a good thing.  I will keep trying.  Maybe its not my thing but I will give it an honest attempt.  The potential to fail myself is high atm with so many balls in the air and I am fearful of the one thing that will bring down this house of cards.  Then I remember it is not failure it is just life.  I hum the chorus from the song tub thumping on those times - I get knocked down and but I get up again, You're never going to keep me down.  https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LODkVkpaVQA.   After that, all I can do is smile and move on.

Gratitude:

  1. Feeling sad and yet knowing its ok
  2. Life in progress and things getting done even if slow
  3. Sleeping cats
  4. Family
  5. Silly songs that restore your perspective
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