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JustBeingReal

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Everything posted by JustBeingReal

  1. Liked the articles, keep up the good work :thumbsup:
  2. I know it's not my place to give advice, but from what i've noticed from your journal is this: You don't feel urges during working times. You let emotions get the better of you at real low points. Conclusion: You lack high flow activities outside of work. (Flow=Activity with immediate feedback/considerable difficulty/makes you lose track of time/Sense of control) Examples include: Bridge, working out, chess or anything with above features. GL on further journeys my friend! Also... just as a side note, quitting gaming is a big challenge on it's own, to completely erridicate any other ´useless´ or unproductive activities would be completely slanderous. Remember one step at a time is not just a sentence or ´wisdom´, in practice it means not overloading yourself with too many difficult tasks.
  3. Wow, impressive decision to remove your accounts, you should be proud. I really enjoyed the tedX video you posted, and I wish you the best of luck on your journey amigo, may fortune be stacked with you.
  4. I have an interesting question for you kad, If you are missing three people at work and assuming the workload is getting done, does that mean you get paid extra? extra being equilvalent to what the 3 workers extra would cost, divied over the entire team of people working. Seems to me like either your employer is not motivated enough to get the extra workers or he should be seriously considering decreasing the workload. I guess it's kind of how you would treat a system, if it is designed to carry 60 kilograms, and you continuously let it carry the weight of 70-80-90 or even 120 kilograms, it is a matter of time, before the bolts start to crack and shrivel under the pressure, and not only will repairing cost more then simply being safe in the first place, the circumstances as you portray them, even make replacement the very first problem to begin with. To summarize, the employer is putting the problem with the employee's by overloading them, instead of putting the problem with himself, by decreasing the workload till he/she finds the right/proper amount of workers. Not sure if this helps you any or how the situation is, just trying to envision your current scenario. Good luck on the decision, having a plan B ready is crucial to good survival, but maybe there's room for improvements which have not yet been revealed as options. Keep going bro, but remember, gaming was never a true problem to begin with, it was why you did, and what you were trying to escape from with it. As John Bradshaw puts it in the shame that binds us, addiction is only an addiction, when it has life-damaging consequences. Maybe this post is too big I can size it down if you need me to, just say the word. Pce man, keep truckin'
  5. Your drawings are really dark, I feel a bit off after seeing them, slightly upset stomatch too. Even though I don't feel completely well after what I just saw, they are very real and unique I don't feel as if I've ever seen art like this, thanks for sharing. Also you inspired me to make my own art journal, though I don't know if they will be anywhere near as good as yours, my art is still my true expression of emotion, regardless if they are just scratched up lines or whatever Keep up the good work on your drawings, It's nice to see an artist at work
  6. I really recognize myself in this, as well. Also I think you are absolutely right about easy habbits being easy not to do. Thanks for the insight, I really appreciate it. I'll definitely try out your next podcast (especially curious about the one with military trick)
  7. What I learned: 1. Don't compare yourself to others out or below your league. 2. Never be afraid to try 3. When it comes to habits, even a small amount can be a hastle to maintain. For the rest, I think your journal is a decent read, I think your titles for the podcasts look decent. Good luck
  8. We're here for you man. Cam you are too kind, I might add another essay/article, been delaying one I have been writing too write.. it's one that is kind of.. mpf to write though, kind of confronting for me. Tis about the morality of knowing when too much, is too much and when too little is not enough. It sounds like balance, and it is. But very specific to the distributed or taken amount and what defines a healthy relation between the two extremes, and what the consequences of either side of the extreme are, mpf, who am I kidding, if i was really gonna write it any time soon, I wouldn't be here complaining to you about not writing it.. still thanks for the kindness, i'm just going through, a too rough period right now and I can't breath without thinking of the emotional daggers in my past, just,,, yeah thanks can't do anymore then apologize for being so ungratefull for not staying and comitting to my journaling online.
  9. I am going to take a break from journaling here... I am stuck in a negative loop of scratching myself, and just the time it takes me to break it is frustrating me very greatly, so.. I hope I can recover from it, because I am losing my mind here... which is also why i am taking a break. thanks all for the support, and hopefully I can come back at some time..
  10. I dont get the joke.. Seems you are doing so-so, but I still enjoy reading the journal you do have humor and I can definitely relate and can laugh about the inner thoughts of anguish and irony you have, when you express a frustration or when you have to do some meditation. thanks for the recent journalings bro, been a pleasure to read =3
  11. Ill be missing you bro, give a pm once in a while to show me you're still alive =] all the best, and good luck.
  12. Today I have woken up for the first time, after having slept for a total of 21 hours, last couple of days I didn't catch much sleep, two nights ago I slept one hour, and after I slept for 1 hour.. I scratched my feet to barely-not bleeding, the ability to control my actions isn't active when I wake up, and once I start scratching the amount of relive I gain from it, pulls me towards scratching them till till there is nothing left.. it definitely isn't fun writing this down.. I feel like I don't want to be myself, but by thinking like that I am actually causing the proces to start more, then preventing/healing it. Let me tell a small story, it's about the truth of my affliction, -the scratching- I use my feet to alleviate the frustration of the day, to ´escape´ from the emotions which they give me, however scratching myself is something I find less then okay, thus I feel the need to punish myself for scratching my feet, which leads to me escaping, when I escape into more scratching, or gaming, drugs then this escape is enough for me to forget the past mistake, but... the catch (of course) is that I need more and more to get the same amount of escape every time I use the scratching/thegame as an escape, thus effectively paying a higher price every time,now at some time, the cost is so high, that you have to run away, from the thing that helped you run away, this is what I call depression. Not only do you not get what you need in life, (which is why you ran in the first place) you also don't get even the small joy which running from it gave you. Anyway, for me this has a cycle effect, where there are small circles, and big circles, the small circle represents the escapism mechanism which allows you to ´block-out´ the feelings of shame when you go into the big circle of your escapism tool, for this has also been taking place for many years of my life, the tools were different but the scenario's were identical in nature (e.g don't have friends -> scratch -> tv -> eat too much -> get bullied -> etc) this a end game scenario the part where many years of escaping has taken place, right now, or better said, last 2 years I have been slowly destroying past cycles by realizing the dehabilitating effect on my life. The catch is however, that you can't destroy what has been building up for many years, and you can't mask the sympthons you have to fix the problem. Otherwise you get something which I have been having right now, which is, problem -> scratch -> shame (punishment) -> scratch -> depressed -> scratch, literally a never ending cycle. For a small story I kind of overdid it, but for me this writing this down is a huge step, acknowledgement is the first step in the healing proces. Can't fix if you don't know what is broken, or that it is broken. Besides that, I have been cycling a lot through the city, thinking while cycling definitely gives me a boost, met with a lot of interesting thoughts again, also thought yesterday for the first time I didn't post, but it's okay, I was really not in the mood for anything, even things way more important then journaling I didn't do, like brushing my teeth. but i am back on my game today, also did my 7, 5 cleaning routine, so made one of my ideals true once more, no fallen bikes I came by, so I didn't have to pick any of those up. Also bought a pink t-shirt for my preps for a practical pessimism day, those things have helped me a great deal in dealing with my anxiety, they piush me to the limit, then I rest and come back from it with more strength/a more accurate view of my own can's and cants 8 Things I am happy, and one I am not. 1. I ain't happy for bringing too many projects in my life, I end up doing none of them, ... 2. I am happy journalling today 3. feeling good doing the good stuff, cleaning up my city making it a little more beautifull 4. Being my own man, I wear my clothes, ride on my bike, enjoying my time, on my pace. 5. Feeling rested like crazy 6. The silhouette of a plant on my wall, with the setting of the sun. 7. realizing that only small cogs can move bigger cogs. 8. that every man's journey starts with himself, and that everyone has one. 9. acceptance of how foolish I have been, in thinking I knew everything there was to learn. 10.
  13. -Advice on how to implement positive changes without major stress? Seeing as you are a well read man, and still reading ever more, I am just going to say what I found worked for me, you apply the most stress you can take, then next time you can take a little more, each stressfull moment brings you to a stronger core-self, as moments start to increase where you willfully put yourself in harm's way, you start to increase in conditioning yourself to the new reality of life, that you can handle that which before seemed unconcieveable, because it was unconcieveable. Nobody can deal with major stress, but we can all handle the maximum amount of stress we can take, but getting ourselves to challenge ourselfs/face the facts/daring to fail not once, not twice, but an entire year, and then we cry after 3 weeks, but we don't cry to quit, we cry to get hurt and the pain stimulates us to get a reward from our struggles. Not sure if this helps you, your faithfull follower J.
  14. Today was weird, I made some major flaws in hurting my feet for some reason, I can still not fully master them, I have unconvered the reason why I do it though, it's because I find to identify my own emotions and what to do about it, this creates the frustration which leads to me scratching/hurting them. Not an entire loss though because I gained some new insight, and I am still learning more every day about the specific spots of itch which give me an indication of the emotional trigger being pulled. In a way my body is telling me a story about showing me the follow-up of different itching spots. Even though my feet didn't go so well, I did end up making full use of the day to honor two of my ideals, the first one, is to help others and not expect anything in return, I pick up bikes which have fallen down, when I see them. Also my second ideal, of protecting nature, because nature cannot protect itself against garbage. So i picked up a lot of litter in a forest, on the street and random places all round, I keep it to a routine of 7 pieces of garbage, which I then throw away, followed by 5 more, and then doing no more. This allows me not to go full obsessive mode and at the same time, do feel a little guilty if I do nothing at all. Also I find spiffy things, like full drinks or half-drunk drinks (im not picky/have never been sick in my life, except once from swallowing 16 pieces of gum and once with fever) so I drink them and get some kind of reward out of my ideal, because one thing I don't want to expect or need compliments or praise by others thats not why I do it. Having said that... ideals are a pain.. I really hated picking up the trash, going through my knees/bending my back the whole time and the trash never seeming to dissapear.. or picking up bikes which were binded to poles with too little chain cord left leaving them too high-strung, hard to pick up/straighten down. But I did it, and yes.. the hours or minutes that went in it, were worth it, because afterwards every minute and hour felt richer and I felt like the universe was totally going with me, because later I found a very interesting piece of wood, with a VOC marking on it, this piece isn very old, but the VOC marking is, also the logo is very nice, it has a richness to it as far as emblems go, anyway there was a vase in it too, and since I like to rock some scented sticks, I now have a vase(it aint a vase at all just realized, but yeah no clue what else it could be, maybe a liquor bottle) with a sweet looking box where I can put the vase in when I am done with it, or atleast something along those lines, haven t thought out everything yet. Also was able to meet some new people, I asked them for some water because the heat had drenched me, and not only did they offer me some water, they welcome d me to their party of people with open arms, and a beer. Eh, I don't think often, so drinking 1 big one was a lot for me, I felt kind of weird having the same one, while they were opening up the 3rd one. but I knew I was doing the right thing drinking it at my own pace, they are interesting people, they live on boats, and I doubt they have had easy lives, something makes me think they deep-rooted problems too when it comes to addictions, which gives me a very profound connection with them, also one of the party members was very like me... sharing some uncanny resemblances, anyhow.. this is it for now, was a good day and I am happy I still did this journal though I got nothing really interesting to share. Also one last thing.. had my first ´desire´ to buy some cig's today, and I think I just solved why I wanted it, the social contact with the cigarette store salesman, the socially accepted ritual of engaging a convo with someone due to the asking or giving of a cig, anyway, it's good I found some explanation for this, because this freaked me out and I didn't want to think of it and just rationalized it away as having to do with the heat/excessive exhaustion through cycling. ten things which are good/great 10. New found connections/identifcations 9. Epic looking VOC box 8. The feeling of ownership after having cycled with a woodenbox with a vase in it through the whole city, (hour-two hours) and having tied it your bike with rope tying techniques from when you were an 9 year old boy at sail camp. 7. Finding goodies while cleaning trash 6. Looking at some beautifull woman's asses, and not regretting a moment of it. 5. Drawing some pictures in 2 minutes and seeing the results you can come up with 4. The beauty of gifts which you need no appreciation for, and vice versa, getting gifts which you need show no appreciation for. 3. Nature growing and floundering, got some nature on my balcony too, special plants for the bee's, they contain all the good stuff for those little fella's, according to packet I got it from, plants with bee-friendliness are lacking, so well yeah anyway I feel like I am contributing to the eco-system 2. Finding an SD card with photo's from 9 years ago, even though I wanted the SD card for my head-phones, those seem to need micro-SD's, still the photos were a nice/good find. 1. being truly enthralled by music
  15. Today has been an amazing day, I found a ton of things in my mom's ´attic´ and I am very happy that my books, healing shame/6 pillars of self-esteem/slight edge and models came in today, going to devour those books, that is if I don't end up pondering certain pages for many minutes or writing down all the different wisdoms it contains. Also.. I had the weirdest sensation of not wanting to game, and actually coming to grips/terms with my grief/loss of it and on top of that, I have, found the mighty fine tool, yeah I will call it a tool, of demanding from yourself, before doing anything or whenever you frustration or agitation, the why of it and where you feel it in your body. Amazingly this leads to the best decision making so far, regardless if those decisions would otherwise be regarded as boring. So in a sense, it's a small alleviation of tunnel-vision, because the activity, or frustration is, probably pre-supposed to be something, either boring or rewarding, very relevant or irrelevant. And a second look, makes it harder for yourself to keep up the appearance of the pre-supposed notion, atleast for me this is a usefull tool to properly gauge my emotions/desires. 10 things to be gratefull for: 1. Left-side of the brain function, for amazing creativity. 2. Tea 3. Learning to be vulnerable, it may make me weird, but that also makes me mysterious, and I love mystery myself, therefore I am starting to love myself more and more every day, but especially today was a huge leap of improvement, I showed immense courage, for my standards, nobody else's, being yourself is actually not that hard, but it's mostly because the reward is so immensely satisfying (you get a ton of happines in return for being vulnerability) 4. Curver (the plastic boxes, not sure if americans know this concept) 5. 2nd hand stores, and the people who work in them. (lovely people) 6. Cam's forums, and his generousity when it comes to spending his time. 7. Doubt, only when we truly doubt ourselves, do we find, that which we are looking for. 8. Glasses I found without the legs (to the ears) it's hard to keep on your head, but this is also why they are essentially awesome, they force you to keep looking up, and as NLP and 2 pac(keep your head up) have taught me, it is impossible to be unhappy if you look up. (try it for yourself if you wish to test, i'll be astonished if you are able to feel bad while looking upwards) 9. The mission/experiment of learning french, my mom had a special course in the attic (not really an attic more like a huge narrow/long room with a ton of random junk/treasures) , i call it an attic because it's more recognizeable as a concept. 10. The strength and power core truths give to me, one core truth is about repeating the same mistakes over and over, till we do it the right way. 11. Breaking the rules, life is for living, yeah I said I would say 10 things, and i just did 11, im so naughty take that world!
  16. You journal for yourself, if you deem it necessary for -whatever internal reason- to remove it, do it. Of course, it is doesn' t change the fact of the matter, that you saw it like that, when you wrote it. And even though you may have changed in the days, minutes and many seconds between now and when you made it, the reality of that post being you when you write it down, won' t change. It' s kind of like a picture of you in that time, with your back then knowledge, feelings. Extreme long-term I agree with Cam about keeping it, but when I say long term I'm talking 5-10+ years. Kind of like how you don' t like keeping childhood pictures/paintings you drew from when you were 5-6, because you feel ashamed about how badly they are drawn and how they don' t resemble the image of what your parents looked like, logically. Emotionally though probably, you felt completely satisfied with that result and wouldn' t change a single thing if you went back in time to your 5-6 year old self. However when you are 10-20 logical appreciation kicks in and the emotional justification is gone which makes you want to remove it from your life, but when you turn 30-40 (just as an example, everybody has different ''turning'' points) you first experience self-acceptance, losing the shame of being the owner of that drawing/picture and then nostalgic appreciation kicks in (these usually happen coincidentally), which gives it the emotional layer again, justifying it' s existence again. Hope this helps, nice to hear you are involving us in your thinking proces, it makes me feel appreciated by apparently having a valueable contribution in your decision making/internalization proces.
  17. The best way to see if you want your name to be on the game credits, is to ask a question, my question would be: Do I want to be recognized for my game test capacities? That thought of gaming being 2D is new to me, but the feeling of it feeling senseless is not, for me I explain it through the fact that no habbit or memory is formed with the intention to replicate the experience a 100, 1000 or 20.000 times, it was always a short-term plan, which due to stimuli (usually emotions) was replicated. But the intention of replicating it was never there, therefore the thought or feeling of how it would be to have a compounded memory bank of 10.000 hours playing a game, seems unreal and something you would never logically concieve. Atleast thats what I think is the cause for this disillusion with reality, had a similiar experience with (quitting) cigarettes. Work can be brutally hard, and you work long hours (12 a day?) I can't imagine what thats like, and I think you have spotted a truth in your observation that things will never be calm enough. there was a saying about this but i forgot.. You say, God which I like as a believe figure, personally I am also a fan of the dutch provherb, -Does that do good, are met with good thanks for the song, thats amazing Also about the juggling, remember one saying. ´Man isn't unhappy for aiming high and failing, he is unhappy because he aimed low and reached it´ . Keep struggling and great to hear on your 100 days, you're becoming an old guy in gamer terms, probably a thousand new memes have spawned and you are that typical old guy, that uses language/memes from 20 years ago expecting to get a resosnance with the ´young´ people.
  18. Been a long day today.. a lot of soul searching, even wrote an essay titled ´The importance of ideals ´ It counts 2416 words, with probably like 30 of those words being title's/headers, all in all I am extremely proud of myself, I never wrote an essay before and doing this has made me feel like I can achieve a goal I set for myself, I found a tad about my ideals, like taking my own pace for best results ´value/ideal´ and ´enjoying when i am doing things I find fun´ it's circular I know, but a more accurate statement I could not make out of it. Mostly though the essay was about how ideal's fit into life, and how I regard them to be influental and what I think is the best metaphysical approach to dealing or ´embracing´ them. A good deal of what kad just wrote corresponds with it as well. As for journalling, I am now doing a personal one here, and a private journal aswell. I can't share things which are too emotional.. but I also feel a need to share less emotional things, which are still hard for me to say, but not deafening blows to my heart to even conjure the words on paper, much less have the possibility of feedback/prying eyes into my hearts vulnerableness. Had some weird gaming sensations today, to go to browser games which I don't enjoy at all, but even so the thought still irrevokeably kept crossing my mind. Also tried my best to not scratch myself today.. but the pull to do it is much stronger then me at times, I now am doing research into what drives me to getting the urge in the first place, I have found for now, that sometimes the urges come from a need to express anger. Punching and expressing violent energy onto a pillow makes me relieved and relaxed. Other times it's acknowledgement of shame and owning up to my responsibility in the blame and commenting on how I will act upon it in the future, though this doesn't work unless the acknowledgement is very sincere. At the very least I can conclude, that even though the pain is excruciating, this is in no way a ´bar´ or something that holds me back when I feel frustrated/emotional, atleast good to know that I can't rely on this to fix itself through the realization of massive pain. I have made photos though of the scratched parts and I plan to hang the pictures on the fridge, kind of like a shock therapy. As for University, I am doing it because I wanna be good at something and I currently have very little accurate knowledge as to who/what I am and therefore can't make accurate decisions, but I do know I am getting older and older (23 now) and without a good education, I might become a failure... as i just typed this, i am shocked at what i wrote..my self-esteem is bruised.. i ordered the book six pillars of self-esteem, im excited to get to reading that, and finishing shame, the pdf online only had 80/340 pages, so ordered it. Should get it soon Thanks Kad, WIP and cam for reading. In response to your implied question, if I am at a big turning point, yeah, but probably it is so big, that I won't be able to asses how big it actually is right now, till I have crossed a part of the mountain and look behind me. 10 things which are good stuff: 1. Essay writing about ideals 2. Setting internal goals 3. Being okay with the good and bad parts of yourself 4. Becoming okay with me, instead of denial/rejection of myself. 5. Free chips during a market research for a new brand of chips. 6. Can't say this enough, forgiving yourself, analyzing what went wrong and keep on trying to find the ways that work for you. 7. Having two journals 8. Being able to continue this journal even though the gaming has become a minor part of it 9. Becoming passionate about adopting a dog, even broke down crying looking at the eyes of Spring whom had been in an asylum his entire life for 3 years, It was as if i was staring at myself, though the unions nearby probably played a part in this tearfull situation too. 10. Being born into an age where freedom of thought is allowed, no forced social rules, like strictly technically, Im jewish, but I ate some pig tonight, happy to be alive and to make my own decisions/choices. 11. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=N4QHLmEZtQ4, extending my list to 11 this time, couldn't resist, this track/list is killer for my senses, so good. 1 WEEK! (that means I am not Weak )
  19. I found this in Joe's journal during a difficult time and thought of you. I hope Cam's words bring you strength and comfort. Peace Joe's journal is SO good. Must read for everyone. So where is the special sub-forum and/or sticky with success journals/examples? Back to my journal, I officially realized today, that I am taken too many steps at once, and demanding too much change of myself to happen in a short time. So for now, I am going to slow down a lot more, focus on the things that matter most, namely soul/identity level exploration and keeping my body healthy and clean, I scratch my skin when I am frustrated, this frustration comes from it being itchy but also other life things, like heavy emotions (sadness/anger) and I have realized/begun to accept, that similiar to my gaming, the scratching used to be a coping technique, for whenever I was feeling down, or lonely, or otherwise dissapointed. Now though, I am realizing a new me, and I am realizing that I have grown so much, that I can learn new ways to be myself and because I can learn new ways of being myself, I have an oppertunity to not only stop gaming but also to stop hurting myself. It is time, to allow and accept myself, for me. The good with the bad, and that the bad comes out and that I don't hide or turn my face for who I am and what I want and need. It feels sublimely great to start being myself, feeling who I am, I think I never wanted to do this.. because I don't like being unoriginal, and the years of 14-19/20, or ´puberty´ are your identity crisis years, so I simply refused to be in an identity crisis, this however put me in a kind of odd bind, and let me to copy other's identities because I couldn't search for my own, because any kind of failure would imply that I too, was in an identity search/crisis. Of course I never truly found myself.. and thus I was left facing a incomplete self. Now I still don't like the generalisation people spout out, thinking they know everything or that everyone's life is predictable and the same. But I accept that I too am human.. with limitations and that my road to beginning to become myself starts with accepting and getting used to a new way of thinking, one where I don't accept other's toxic shaming of me, and where I don't toxicely shame others. The book ´shame´ by john bradshaw helped me realize much of who I am and what I has gone through.. I am not sorry if this post is not entirely or mostly gaming related. If this site and it's journalling sub-forum is limited to game related issues/addiction, then I ask you now, the person reading if you mind me exposing my soul in all it's forms, not just the small part of gaming. I shall take your answer as is, I feel this journal is helping me progress tremendously, but I can't be feeling guilty about using it to explain what I am going through and because this site is so generous in support filled with nice loving people, I wouldn't be able to go on journalling, if it meant hurting or abusing these forums in a way that is unacceptable. Signed up for university today, law. It has been a long time coming, I don't particularly like law, nor do i particularly like studying, nor even the jobs that arise from law. But I accept the fact that in today's society, the achievement of having a finished University degree, means something, it means you have deemed yourself worthy. And that is what i am going to do, I am going to proof to society that I am smart and hard-working. That I am worthy of being in their employment and that they may be grateful to have me as their employee. Gaming wise, I had some urge to play dota because I wanted to bond with a friend of mine who also plays it, when he talked about it, I immediately thought of doing it to have something to do with him. But I shook off the feeling 2 minutes later, realizing the hazard of me going back to that kind of life. First I would play a game, then Hearthstone would be okay to do, ´just one game´ etc all the addictions would be around the corner waiting for me, and hit me even harder then before. Day 6 done, phew.. what an ordeal to quit gaming/discovering new forms of life.
  20. Pictures please! It seems you went through a lot of stuff today, and yes the sound of washing machines is good especially when you are tired. It also is a sound you usually hear when you are at home, and thus in a place where you aren't forced to do anything. Back to the hard day, I think you did great, because in my opinion, the days when the choices to not game are easy don't count/define us, it's the days that are rough when the choice to game is hard, that truly define us and count. Keep chugging on mate.
  21. I found this in Joe's journal during a difficult time and thought of you. I hope Cam's words bring you strength and comfort. Peace You're very kind for wanting to ease my burden, I appreciate it =] I also bought some pain meds, so atleast i'll be able to sleep tonight. I like the churchill quote, but it doesn't ease the pain unfortunately for me Healing of the body is a lot like, the healing of the soul, it is a slow proces, where layers and bits of skin get added until enough layers are formed that it sticks and makes up for complete skin. Scars might be left, but the wound no longer goes open, with the slightest touch or graze. But if you interrupt the healing proces you will be back at the start, and that includes a ton of pain. Anyway, before I start rambling in this post, thanks for the thought, and the consideration Kad, you're true supportee.
  22. Hi! Got similiar problem as you, without knowing you, or your history. I am going to suggest a book to you, you resonate exactly with who I am, our history's and or personality's may be different. But the symptoms are similiar, first thing to do is accept that the road to becoming honest again, won't be easy and there is no easy way. If you are however, ready to start changing. Read Models by Mark Manson, I went to page 80 so far, and I have struggled with the amount of truth this guy is dropping, his book about getting woman, but in fact his book is much bigger then that, it's about being who you are, and learning to find friends who like you, for you. learning to say no to people and drawing boundaries. To sum it up in a word or two, to be vulnerable, not as a weakness but as a strength. If you are true in what you wrote, it won't be easy, but becoming yourself will increase your life happiness by 300% (since you are statistician, this is a big promise I am making, but trust me when I say, this guy Manson, is the real deal, he doesn't lie about it and doesn't try to sell you anything but the simple message, be yourself and of course he explains the theory behind all the aspects you need to fullfill to be able to accomplish this well, as he explains, improving one aspects, improves the others, so once you get going on making genuine change, and improving yourself you'll will glow with excitement and chances are. won't even return to this site, ever. Too busy being awesome and rich in personality and (girl)friends. Hope this helps, any questions you have may have are welcome, if not thats fine too. I can completely identify with you, and let me tell you, it's not easy asking for help, so I congratulate you on making this post. However, I must add as a final note, I believe the compulsiveness is something which can be shifted slowly and over time dissapear. First it's inner change, then outter change. However, I am no expert, to add to that, I even lied earlier today... which I feel crummy about, I didn't lie a lot, but enough and I don't like it.
  23. @Cam Adair EDIT: So other suggested a tier system too, that's fine, I agree with tier system being made, on the website however, not just on the app (I don't own a smartphone, sooo *tear drop, excluded* ) My tier system is explained below, but i got a little carried away so I already explained it in full detail, read at own risk. May I suggest my preference? I feel 1 badge is not enough, i like lots and loooots of trophies, especially if i'm like a veteran, for 2 years I wanna have it show, to impress new members and make it show that I am commited and invested and that it shows.. anyway... think of what you will. Here's my suggestion: A small trophy (anything will do, whetever it is a square or any kind of shape. with a golden/bronze/silver or any color -> maybe make each month have a unique color) or even each week be silver, each day bronze, each month a golden trophy and make 7 bronze trophies -> 1 silver trophy, 4 silver trophies -> 1 golden trophy. 12 golden trophy's -> 1 platina, you get the picture. You can also think of size as an indicator, Big trophy=1 month, Middle= 1 week, etc, what the size represents doesn't matter, as long as it is a clear symbol/indication of what it means you achieved. You could also have the month printed on the trophy's . This used to be one of the things, a game i played had, which might be fun here too. To sum it up what it does, which you already aware of: 1. Shows progress 2. Rewards for continuous progress 3. Makes it visible to yourself and others of what you have achieved, and makes it desirable to also want to reach this. 4. Looks cool, adds visual spice to your avatar. 5. Allows for special badges for community-related excellence (competition, in a friendly, positive, constructive manner) Let me know what you think, I am excited for this idea. But of course, the decision resides with you, Cam.