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Building me


Kad
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The best way to see if you want your name to be on the game credits, is to ask a question, my question would be: Do I want to be recognized for my game test capacities?

That thought of gaming being 2D is new to me, but the feeling of it feeling senseless is not, for me I explain it through the fact that no habbit or memory is formed with the intention to replicate the experience a 100, 1000 or 20.000 times, it was always a short-term plan, which due to stimuli (usually emotions) was replicated. But the intention of replicating it was never there, therefore the thought or feeling of how it would be to have a compounded memory bank of 10.000 hours playing a game, seems unreal and something you would never logically concieve. Atleast thats what I think is the cause for this disillusion with reality, had a similiar experience with (quitting) cigarettes.

Work can be brutally hard, and you work long hours (12 a day?) I can't imagine what thats like, and I think you have spotted a truth in your observation that things will never be calm enough. there was a saying about this but i forgot..

You say, God which I like as a believe figure, personally I am also a fan of the dutch provherb, -Does that do good, are met with good

thanks for the song, thats amazing :D Also about the juggling, remember one saying. ´Man isn't unhappy for aiming high and failing, he is unhappy because he aimed low and reached it´ . Keep struggling and great to hear on your 100 days, you're becoming an old guy in gamer terms, probably a thousand new memes have spawned and you are that typical old guy, that uses language/memes from 20 years ago expecting to get a resosnance with the ´young´ people. :P 

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So my first post is rather intense and I have been debating removing it - opinions?

You journal for yourself, if you deem it necessary for -whatever internal reason- to remove it, do it. Of course, it is doesn' t change the fact of the matter, that you saw it like that, when you wrote it. And even though you may have changed in the days, minutes and many seconds between now and when you made it, the reality of that post being you when you write it down, won' t change. It' s kind of like a picture of you in that time, with your back then knowledge, feelings.

Extreme long-term I agree with Cam about keeping it, but when I say long term I'm talking 5-10+ years. Kind of like how you don' t like keeping childhood pictures/paintings you drew from when you were 5-6, because you feel ashamed about how badly they are drawn and how they don' t resemble the image of what your parents looked like, logically. Emotionally though probably, you felt completely satisfied with that result and wouldn' t change a single thing if you went back in time to your 5-6 year old self. However when you are 10-20 logical appreciation kicks in and the emotional justification is gone which makes you want to remove it from your life, but when you turn 30-40 (just as an example, everybody has different ''turning'' points) you first experience self-acceptance, losing the shame of being the owner of that drawing/picture and then nostalgic appreciation kicks in (these usually happen coincidentally), which gives it the emotional layer again, justifying it' s existence again.

Hope this helps, nice to hear you are involving us in your thinking proces, it makes me feel appreciated by apparently having a valueable contribution in your decision making/internalization proces.

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Bare knuckle day and day 102.  This is my worse day of withdrawal to date in this detox.  Been on the verge of downloading dark souls 3, wow, anything for 2 days.  Talking my self through it, minute by minute.  Trying to stay busy and have lost momentum or the desire for my real life/plans.  I'm working my way through @AlexTheGrape journal and as I know from his posts his journey was not always easy and I followed his link to holiday relapse and then next this post.

First:

The game makes you run away from yourself. 

The game makes you avoid success.

The game subtracts you from your value.

It is all true of course and widens the gap between thought and action at the moment. Ever have anxiety from success?  I swear that is what is happening at the moment and I am doing well at sabotage.  I could not mentally commit to Just June...uh oh.  Making game plans with those I played with...check.  In trouble...check.  Fail safe...make no decisions until calm.  Thing is life things are working.  Off games, positive breakthrough on massive work problem for first time in 9 months.  Found lovely apps for motivating thru OCD to do daily habits. Productive...i love those icons, colors and counters!  Wunderlist for all my todo's and the ever expanding to read list.  Finally doing the 7 minute strength challenge app for last 3 days and meditating too.  Fitness was the final straw to get off gaming to do (many reasons and multi-factorial and all still apply). Its just 17 minutes geez..you would think it was the end of the world by my stress reaction.  Ok, writing this gets me back off the edge, not far.  Advice on how to implement positive changes without major stress?  Weirdly they are things I want, I enjoy them in action and feel proud of myself for doing them.  Maybe the success is not the trigger but damn if I can find it to remove it if not.

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-Advice on how to implement positive changes without major stress? 

Seeing as you are a well read man, and still reading ever more, I am just going to say what I found worked for me, you apply the most stress you can take, then next time you can take a little more, each stressfull moment brings you to a stronger core-self, as moments start to increase where you willfully put yourself in harm's way, you start to increase in conditioning yourself to the new reality of life, that you can handle that which before seemed unconcieveable, because it was unconcieveable. Nobody can deal with major stress, but we can all handle the maximum amount of stress we can take, but getting ourselves to challenge ourselfs/face the facts/daring to fail not once, not twice, but an entire year, and then we cry after 3 weeks, but we don't cry to quit, we cry to get hurt and the pain stimulates us to get a reward from our struggles.

Not sure if this helps you, your faithfull follower J.

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Advice on how to implement positive changes without major stress?  Weirdly they are things I want, I enjoy them in action and feel proud of myself for doing them.  Maybe the success is not the trigger but damn if I can find it to remove it if not.

Your situation seems very similar to @hycniejsy's once he got to the end of his 90 day challenge. He had a few episodes of relapse before he decided that enough is enough and he started another 90 day journal. And look at him now - grinding his way through massive goals, it's pretty inspirational. 

Maybe you just need to set another challenge for yourself? It may not need to be another 90 days, maybe there's something in your career or hobby of yours that you can aim towards? Personally, I find my goal of a marathon ambitious and very motivating; I would feel lost without a big picture of where I want to be in a year or so. 

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Day 103 off games.  Mood is hopeful as I figured out what is giving me issues.  I will be doing more work on my own in my private journal as I move on to the next stage of what I am working on.  Good luck and take care

Grateful:

  1. The ability to self reflect and learn
  2. Coffee
  3. Quiet
  4. Music
  5. Healing
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Hey JBR, I will try to post here too.  Love the positive energy of this forum.  Day 104 off games.   Work was long but im glad to be home.  I decided on gaming limits.  I was an emotional eater, though not anymore and now I see gaming as the same.  Emotional gaming.  Much like 1 cookie is fine, 14 is not and I set the limits of I my games for 2 days per week and max of 3 hours. In the true perversity of human nature, now that I can, I don't want too, lol.  The concept of I can do this or that as a conscious choice with reasonable limits has worked well for me as I improve my healthy coping strats.  It was so nice to see @Dannigan having victory and the same thing for them.  The 90 day detox was awesome to help clear my head and the dopamine path running there.  Working on the next step of my journey.  Interestingly, the book Power of Habit is so applicable to all of this stuff and I am loving it.

Grateful:

  1. My family is safe
  2. I have work
  3. Getting tired with the hope of sleep
  4. Meditation though it does not relax me like hoped...showed me the truth of thought patterns to grow
  5. Soft blankets for soothing touch
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Still doing well - day 106 or maybe 107 off games.  Not really tracking anymore, I have battlenet downloaded for days on my computer desktop.  Not honestly interested.  So many other things I want to do instead.  I am getting a puppy and doing stuff with my family.  Working long crazy hours as normal.  I am equal parts fascinated and appalled at the book the power of habit.  Love the book and a must read in my opinion for everyone!  It really opens your eyes imho.  Today I am battling a cold so did not do my 7 minutes of hell app - I mean my 7 minute strength challenge.  Did the nap thing after work and am still tired.  The best part of today is things are just even-keeled. 

Grateful:

  1. Happy puppy pictures
  2. Hot soup
  3. Naps - feels like you got away with something
  4. That the day was normal
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Greetings of the day!  So I played a game last night (dark souls).  I respected my limits I had set of 3 hours.  Not honestly sure how I feel about it, I had fun and frustration because I was initially out of practice.  Those things come back quickly though.  Anyway, trying to decide if this was a good choice or no.  This morning I am fairly neutral.  If I remain neutral then it seems not a good investment of time.  I may be neutral because I don't want to return to the old ways. Time will tell I suppose.  Will real life slide? My new focus of self-improvement continue?

An interesting problem, I am having is remaining flexible with my topsy turvy schedule and my habits.  I adore my productivity app and swiping off my new habits including activity.  I set small goals that should be easily doable as I deal with emotional fallout for reprogramming core hidden self messaging.  A second issue, I work all the time, long work hours and then come home and work more.  I am not sure I truly know how to relax and check out of life in a healthy fashion.  I read but escapism fiction does not interest me at moment and all I can think of is all the stuff I need/want to do (this is a major problem with my morning meditation).  This is of course why i need meditation. The only place I truly "let go" was games and last night "watching myself" it was true then too.  You are very focused on a game.  However, doing real life intense focus items are satisfying but not restful.  Is it because real life matters and a game does not?  So I need an intense focus hobbie that does not matter? Anyway full day ahead.

Grateful:

  1. Important life events
  2. Coffee
  3. Purring cats
  4. Scented tea lights
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Today is a day of getting back on track.  Big life events yesterday with all the mixed feelings that go with them.  Celebration of accomplishments, sadness of things over and then that pleasant tiredness when you get back home to quiet.  All my habits were thrown out the window it seems but that is life in action.  It feels good to be putting things back in their place and normal.  I am sad today about playing dark souls the other day because I miss my lovely counter effect, lol.  Not yet restarting the counter because I am still in limbo with my plans.  POSSIBLE TEMPTATION ALERT:  Games sounds fun and concepts sound interesting.  Sherlock Holmes for example, I like puzzles, mysteries and it seems fun.  Hubby and I could do it together and its not like my usual style of WOW, FF14 or dark souls etc.  So the story sounds interesting, but I have no follow through of the buying, downloading or learning to play.  Seems tiring to be honest atm.   Although, I have given myself permission to play in reasonable fashion, the idea of WOW sounds boring and I truly do not want to do any grinding repetitive activities, deal with trolls/meanness etc.  I have much better use of my repetitive activities time. A part of me is wondering if I have somewhat moved on from the need, although, I am cautious because of read of 5-6 month or later relapses.

Grateful:

  1. Sleeping late
  2. Quiet
  3. Beauty in the simple things-cat fur, candle lights in the holder, the sound of the wind.
  4. Reading post of those before me
  5. Transitions

 

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Transitions - I have one in real life and I realize now I have one in recovery.  A good one that I just did not recognize it at first.  I am neutral on my dark souls feelings because I am neutral.  It does not matter to me.  I can play wow....I don't want to and I had more fun on my 3 mile walk (up from 2 miles) today.  I did my 7 minutes of hell and made progress.  I savor that small victory.  I don't need a counter although it was one of favorite things and a great tool for maintaining my 90 days.  The reason being - my focus is not playing games anymore and now my focus is shifting from not playing games to doing life stuff.  Which is of course the purpose of recovery.  The counter keeps gaming in the forefront and does not let them fade.  It is just something to do for fun occasionally and right now they don't sound all that fun.  That is a victory too and I am going to savor it also :D

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Yes, your caution is good and recommended. One perspective I've come to is that it's not that you (or I) couldn't play games, but that there are simply so many other things to do instead and it's just so easy for games to start encroaching on the time allotted for other things. For instance, staying home from the party to game.

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I like your new quote and thanks for the wisdom!

Thanks. I heard it during yoga today and felt like it was exactly what I need to be reminded of every day.

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Day 3 - I know I know but I could not resist it! It's so fun to watch that number go up!  I think we need a survey how many gamer types have OCD lol.  Work was rough and I was cranky.  Having a bad day and getting more upset by the moment.  Stopped myself and said, It is busy and stressful but I chose to have a good day anyway.  Kind of proud of that moment.  Normally, I would come home and game the bad day away until the wee hours of the night/morning.  Tonight, I ate cause never had time while working, read some posts then I am going to watch a mindless but fun show of Naked and Afraid.  I think these people are crazy but it is interesting to watch them overcome such physical hardship and the mental determination to do so.  I never really watched shows before so kind of enjoying some from time to time.  Did my habits before work even though shifted times.  I just shift when "morning" is and go forward.

Grateful:

  1. Reframing thoughts
  2. Hot flour tortillas with butter
  3. Mindless shows to chill
  4. Being home after work

 

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Hi Kad, nice to see how you're progressing! It is great that you're being very self-conscious of how you're spending your time and reflecting on it. Keep it up and enjoy that day counter go up! :D

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I like your new quote and thanks for the wisdom!

Thanks. I heard it during yoga today and felt like it was exactly what I need to be reminded of every day.

"You can only start from where you are."

+1. It's easy to get caught up in the past and what could have been and what we should have done differently. But this is a waste of mental energy because there is literally nothing that we can do to change it. We can't start from where we might have been if we had acted differently. 

Amor fati:

My formula for greatness in a human being is amor fati: that one wants nothing to be different, not forward, not backward, not in all eternity. Not merely bear what is necessary, still less conceal it—all idealism is mendacity in the face of what is necessary—but love it.

- Nietzsche, surprisingly. Although I guess we may disagree with him slightly - we may want our 'forward' to be better, which is why we work :). But accepting the past and loving it for what it is is a powerful mindset, IMO.

Edited by kortheo
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I like your new quote and thanks for the wisdom!

Thanks. I heard it during yoga today and felt like it was exactly what I need to be reminded of every day.

"You can only start from where you are."

+1. It's easy to get caught up in the past and what could have been and what we should have done differently. But this is a waste of mental energy because there is literally nothing that we can do to change it. We can't start from where we might have been if we had acted differently. 

Amor fati:

My formula for greatness in a human being is amor fati: that one wants nothing to be different, not forward, not backward, not in all eternity. Not merely bear what is necessary, still less conceal it—all idealism is mendacity in the face of what is necessary—but love it.

- Nietzsche, surprisingly. Although I guess we may disagree with him slightly - we may want our 'forward' to be better, which is why we work :). But accepting the past and loving it for what it is is a powerful mindset, IMO.

Well said!

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Day 4 - better day at work but overall attitude still in the rough.  Life is rather full of frustration atm.  It will pass and I will keep plugging at my habits.  Meditation was rather awful today.  My mind was racing so much, I could not even "hear" the headspace guy.  I restarted the session 3 times before I gave up. Hurt my neck so I gave myself a pass on the 7 minute hell routine, although, I wonder if it might help the neck to loosen up and hurt less.  Plan to do it tomorrow though don't want to lose my progress.  We are three people short at work and having trouble hiring anyone.  No allowed days off or vacation except rarely.  Been going on for 9 months now.  Losing hope it will change and so tired. Realizing, I may have to change jobs which will require selling home and moving to another state probably.  Don't really want to face that and hope it changes as I like our place and the community is great for our children.  Will be setting a deadline in my mind soon of fixed by then or implement exit strategy.

Grateful:

  1. No gaming urges although hopeless on work situation atm
  2. That I have work
  3. I have a home
  4. That putting one foot in front of the other gets you through
  5. Sleeping cats
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