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Torleif's Journal


ThePerfectApology
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First day 20/2/2016

I have been able to go a day without touching a game or anything that has to do with gaming in general. To pass the time on this Saturday I have been reading through respawn, and I'm currently stuck at mentally challenging activities. What is bothering me currently is if I should take up the piano as a hobby to pass the time or not. I regularly started doing math from 05:30 to 12:30 Monday-Friday and I am afraid that I have used up all my willpower at this point, which will make me get a burnout period. However I do have 8 hours 30 minutes before I have to go to bed, so I have to do something in that time period. Oh well, I think this quote is good for this situation.

Quote of the day:

"It does not matter how slowly you go as long as you do not stop. -Confucius

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Hey Torleif! Great job starting your journal, this will help you a lot. Piano is great and mentally challenging. Start with 30 mins/day and just keep it light and fun. Write down a list of songs you want to learn and start with the first one. 

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Day 2 (21/2/2016)

 

Today was quite a productive period. I overslept three hours from my usual time, but made it up for by doing some experimentation with new habits. I tried out 30 minutes of playing the piano, 30 minutes of coding on KA and 15 minutes of meditation. I also did an hour of math, as it is starting to become quite fun and I can't wait two whole days without fiddling around with it (I usually don't do math in the weekends). Also bought a book called the magician, so I can have something for when I'm bored and/or tired as Cam says. Since I know have my creative, goal oriented hobbies sorted out (also thinking about brushing up on my spanish again...) the next step is to figure out more relaxing hobbies (not counting mindless web surfing and Netflix like I usually do) and social hobbies. Unfortunately I live in a very rural place, with few to none opportunities... It shows though that Rome was not built in one day, and so in time I will figure out this puzzle.

Think I read that Cam advices us to keep a calendar to fill with stuff to do, so I will definitely try that out.

Quote of the day:

Deficiencies of innate ability may be compensated for though persistent hard work and concentration. One might say that work substitutes for talent, or better yet that it creates it. -Santiago Ramon y Cajal

Gratitude journal:

Thankful for the fact that I have food to eat, clothes to wear, a warm room and a nice laptop.

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Day 3 - short post (22/2/2016)

 

Still have not relapsed, but I have learned a valuable lesson. I need to start preparing more for the cravings I know will come in the future, which have been the reasons for my failures before. I need to finish Respawn firstly, and then make a dedicated plan on how I will implement the necessary tricks to build greater immunity against relapsing. I may not feel the urges now, but I know that they are hiding in my brain somewhere, waiting for a time when I'm weak and then strike!

 

Quote of the day:

By failing to prepare you are preparing to fail. -Benjamin Franklin

 

Gratitude journal: I'm grateful because...

-I live in a safe country

-I am healthy and disease free

-I have a family

-I have a way of transportation

 

 

 

 

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Hi Torleif 

I am glad to read your journal :) You are taking some very impressive steps and you should be proud of yourself! I am proud of you :)

Remeber games are booring. They are repetetive and represents a simplistic version of real life, thus they can never grant the satisfaction real life activities do.

You will be amazed in the future how much fun life is outside gaming. A good tool if you feel  relapsing feelings is to take a walk and observe nature in the present moment.

Norway is one of the most beautifull countries in the world, so it could help you on the way. 

 

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"It does not matter how slowly you go as long as you do not stop." -Confucius

Love this! Very true. Slow and steady is my style.

You seem like you're off to a great start, keep it up. It's inevitable that you're hit some rough spots here and there, but overall you'll find you don't miss gaming as much as you thought you might.

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Day 5 - (24/2/2016)

 

Yesterday I experienced perhaps the biggest shock of my life. I had been called in to do a checkup at a military base, a year after I had gotten a letter about my possible draft in the military. I'm not sure how things work in other countries, but here in Norway if you don't want to go to the military, you just say no. So when I entered through those doors thats what I was thinking. No mumble jumble, just tell them my current plans confidently and how they conflict with going to the military. Long story short: I got sent to the military for 12 months starting in april.

Afterwards I sat crying in the car,in an empty parking lot in the middle of nowhere. All my plans had suddenly gone up in smoke. It has only been three weeks since I dropped out of school to follow my dream of learning artificial intelligence. The deed had been carefully planned through many months, with plans on how much I should work each day, the classes required and so on. I finally felt like I was in control of my own life, instead of being seated on a pre-made rollercoaster through life. Finally I could work how much I wanted as often as I wanted. Then bam. Life had just punched me straight down again.

A couple of hours later I was much changed. Perhaps the military would not be so bad after all. I mean... I could work on my social skills there, continue my non-gaming promise and get in better shape. That can't be so bad right? Maybe this was actually a gift instead of a wound. Anyway, peace out. 

 

PS: still not doing anything gaming related , though I watched an interview with pewdiepie ¬¬. Not sure how I feel about that one.

Quote of the day:

"When life gives you lemons make lemonade - Somebody

 

Gratitude journal:

Happy that I am able to see positive things where many people would only see negatives.

 

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Day 7 (27/2/2016)

Finally finished my calendar today and "discovered" that I had approximately 56 hours of free time every week. Its kinda shocking that I basically spent all those hours playing video games before, then on randomly browsing the web. It's mind-boggling actually. If I spent that much time on lets say, piano each week, I would be the next Mozart in a year or two xD(just kidding)...(maybe not). The dilemma is going to be how I can fill all that free time. I am considering taking longer walks each day and maybe trying to swim at the nearby swimming hall, or something like that. At least Lady Luck favours the one who tries.

Some more exciting news: I finally started feeling cravings! ----> And I didn't give in! Instead I filled it with some reading, a bit of piano, KA computer programming and a long walk. If I can get into a routine of doing that overtime I will hopefully be on a good road to recovery. 

Quote of the day: I do not think much of a man who is not wiser than he was yesterday. -Abraham Lincoln

Gratitude journal:

-Living in the 21st century

-Access to fresh food and water

-Friendly dog

-Ability to read lots of books

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Day 8 (28/2/2016)

I've been thinkin bout the phrase "a blank slate" a lot today. When I first read it in Respawn it did not mean much, but now it has almost become a symbol for me. What's so amazing bout quitting video games is that it opens up a whole new chapter in the book of life, only this time you are the master of your own destiny. Note to self --> still no video games.

Quote of the day: Purpose is the reason you journey. Passion is the fire that lights your way.

 

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It's amazing how much time we have that we don't even realize - because we haven't been conscious and aware of how we're "spending" our time. 56 hours is a lot, and you can accomplish amazing things with it if you choose to.

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Ten days! That's a good place to be, man. And good on you for finding the silver-lining with the military thing. I'm American, so I can't relate to that whole system, but from my friends who have been in the Navy and Air Force I've heard that it's a good vehicle for creating discipline and structure, which can be real helpful when quitting games. Hope it all works out!

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Day 11 (2/3/2016)

"What fuels the fire of purpose is passion" I quoted some days ago, but what is passion made of? I've been thinking a lot about this today and I've come towards a conclusion: time and energy. Time is the medium that lets you pursue your dreams, a guardian that always takes and never gives. Energy is the loyal comrade of time, who supplies us humans with enough willpower and perseverance to plow through the obstacles that time leaves us. Through quitting gaming (hopefully) I have unlocked both of these deities for my personal use, and I will use them well.

So long, and thanks for the fish!

Quote of the day: 

Success is no accident. It is hard work, perseverance, learning, studying, sacrifice, and most of all, love of what you are doing. -Pele

 

 

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Day 11 (2/3/2016)

"What fuels the fire of purpose is passion" I quoted some days ago, but what is passion made of? I've been thinking a lot about this today and I've come towards a conclusion: time and energy. Time is the medium that lets you pursue your dreams, a guardian that always takes and never gives. Energy is the loyal comrade of time, who supplies us humans with enough willpower and perseverance to plow through the obstacles that time leaves us. Through quitting gaming (hopefully) I have unlocked both of these deities for my personal use, and I will use them well.

So long, and thanks for the fish!

Quote of the day: 

Success is no accident. It is hard work, perseverance, learning, studying, sacrifice, and most of all, love of what you are doing. -Pele

Great post!

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Day 12 (3/3/2016)

I still haven't finished Respawn and it is bothering me to a huge extent. Why? Let me explain. Imagine yourself learning to drive. You practice, get the drivers license and take off one day. Then suddenly you remember that nobody taught you how to use the window-washers and the turn signal. Now extend that analogy over to me quitting gaming, and that's how I feel. The last days have been going well, but something is still wrong. I have done a lot of math, played piano, read my book, programmed and exercised. But I still feel like I'm missing something. As if I have made myself up a plan, but it is only 60% done and I have still 40% left to go. Tricky to explain this.

The point is, this weekend should be all about finishing Respawn, implementing new strategies and creating a sort of master plan. If I get that done it will help me immensely, and it will rid me of my sense of guilt.

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Be a finisher not a starter. Finish the things you start. That's the name of the game. Most people start things but never finish them... which is why they don't get to where they want to be. I've heard that as much as 98% of people never finish an online course they purchase. 98%. O.o

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Day 14 (5/3/2016)

I want to share a bit today about my own faults to whoever reading this and myself especially. First of all a quote by Richard Feynman: "The first principle is that you must not fool yourself, and you are the easiest person to fool". I fool myself all the time. For example, I LOVE energy drinks. Battery, Burn, Urge, you name it. But energy drinks are possible the most unhealthy thing you can ever put into your body. So why do I still do it? Another example would be listening to music. I have nothing against music, but I use it as an escape, not as pleasure per se. If I am really struggling with a math problem and I can't solve it, I usually blast some really loud music. But again, it's not the right thing to do. Just when things get difficult that's when you have to keep going. But still, I don't listen to myself.

A metaphor that I sometimes think about is two wolves fighting. The white wolf is a symbol of strength and the black wolf is a symbol of weakness. However the black wolf keeps winning, even though it is a symbol of weakness or unrationality. When I quit gaming before I tried to strengthen the white wolf, but I generally overreached. I tried doing to much at once, quitting sugar, exercising a lot while also not playing games. That's when I relapsed. So I instead tried quitting gaming, but left my other bad habits alone. But then I kinda "transferred" my addiction over to watching Youtube and mindlessly browsing the internet. The trick seems to be exactly what Respawn says, by planning ahead and inserting in new habits. Be proactive, not reactive.

What I am finding though is that everything is easier said than done. And in the end you have to do everything yourself. All these self help guides are great, but it is up to you to create the new you. Nobody are coming to save you. Nobody. When I played video games I sometimes wished for somebody to save me from this endless cycle I was trapped in. That Elon Musk or Bill Gates suddenly rode into my room on magical unicorns, coaching and training and helping me. Wrong. We are all alone in this world, bound to create our own destinies. The answers are already there, we only just have to reach for them.

I have many more demons I have to face in the times to come: my fixed mindset (trying to change this one), fear of social situations, self-fooling, unhappiness etc. To me though what matters is that I am moving forward, laying one brick at a time. I have many faults, but at least I am aware of them. Anyway, I'll try making this weekend a life changing one. 

Quote of the day: "When writing the story of your life, don't let anyone else hold the pen" -Unknown

Gratitude journal:

-Healthy              -thankful for being born in a safe country

-Warm                -gratitude towards my family for always supporting me.

-Happy               -having the best dog in the world

 

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Being honest is the first step. You can't grow from somewhere you're not. So if you believe you are at a different point (by fooling yourself) it's hard to take the action necessary to get to the next level. :)

By being here and sharing like you have you're already well on your way. Keep going and use consistency to your advantage. That's how you win over time. Trust me. :)

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Yeah sadly there are no magic unicorn saviours around me either. But ok consistency isn't as sexy but it is surely more reliable( I mean that horn thing... Why give something a horn if you don't want it to impale someone. I tell you, these unicorns have a secret mission!:ph34r:)

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Yeah sadly there are no magic unicorn saviours around me either. But ok consistency isn't as sexy but it is surely more reliable( I mean that horn thing... Why give something a horn if you don't want it to impale someone. I tell you, these unicorns have a secret mission!:ph34r:)

Haha true true xD

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Day 15 (6/3/2016)

Finished respawn and have come to a conclusion. Not only can't I visit any gaming related stuff or games in general, I will also now include any sites on the internet that I have not preplanned to visit. Tomorrow's journal has already been filled up with activities for every minute (just testing) so I can finally feel like I am moving to the next level, without being dishonest with myself. I am not resetting to day 0, I am only just being honest with myself by seeing that the whole computer is the problem, not just gaming.

Gratitude journal:

-Stars in the sky

-Warmth

-loving family

-truth

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Great work finishing Respawn. It takes a lot of courage to keep looking at yourself in the mirror and where you can improve. For most Game Quitters it's not just about gaming but also the internet, so everything you are experiencing is normal. :)

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