EscapistNoMore

DAY 64 Alright, hey guys! It's been a while. Since Saturday I've been on class trip to New York City. Aside from exploring the city, we met with literary agents and publishers (I'm an English major and it was a publishing class) and it was just absolutely amazing. I love the city so much and I want to go back as soon as possible, but more than that, over the course of trip something clicked with me. I've said before that I've been struggling with finding my place here in this world and wanting to be a published author, but not knowing quite how to accomplish that. I had a professor of mine this semester tell me that "It's okay not to write. You don't need to be writing all the time. You're young, you haven't experienced life yet, so go do that first: live life. Write about it on the side, but don't feel like you need to. Just focus on experiencing life first." It was good advice, but back when I heard it a couple months ago I had no idea what "experiencing life" was going to mean. Will I actually go into publishing like I keep telling everyone? Will I join the Americorps? Or will I just move back home until I figure it all out? After the trip, it all kind of clicked. I suddenly had a goal in mind: get back to NYC. I've been applying for summer internships up there like crazy. I don't know if that's where I'll end up staying for years and years, or if I end up not liking publishing the way I thought I would, but I've realized that that's okay. I think with my generation it's hard to accept the fact that things aren't going to work out instantly right after college. After all, we've been told since kindergarten that we're supposed to graduate high school, go to college, get a diploma, and then get a good job. But we never heard that the "get a good job" step might take a while, and we definitely didn't hear that it's okay to take things slow.

Dang man, I really needed this. All my life I've heard the whole spiel of "Get good grade to get to college, go to college, get a job, and you'll be successful", and now that graduation is fast approaching for me in the fall, I'm really feeling the pressure of that. I've got no real direction to be focusing on. It also doesn't help that my older brother is kind of a fuck-up, and I'm the next one in line, so to speak, so I feel like I need to have everything figured out, when I'm the furthest thing away from having it all figured out. But I guess that's okay. I'll figure it out someday - I've just got to enjoy the journey until then.

I graduate in December. And I'll check out his journal, thanks.

DAY 54 Been a while since I've posted. It's been a rough week. Last night I was up late finishing an essay that I had put off and put off until the last minute (it's due today). Lots of web surfing, distractions, all that. I'm also getting hit again by these bouts of unhappiness that come sometimes. I'm really dissatisfied with my life, with the situation I'm in. By all accounts, I'm doing well - good grades in school, my parents are paying for my apartment (a fact that I don't take for granted, don't worry) - but I just feel tired of it all. I guess I'm ready for a change. I really hate the city I'm in right now (I'm not a city person at all), and I feel like I've been doing the same thing forever. I'm ready for school to end and to start with something new.

What if you're already a significant way through your 90 day detox?

Good man! Setting goals for yourself makes it way more likely that you'll achieve them.

Good stuff. Filling the empty time is hard (I did the same Netflix routine as you're doing when I first started), but pretty soon you'll start to want to do other things, to see what you've been missing out on doing. Hang in there! We're all behind you.

Thanks man!

I would love to go on a cross-country bicycle ride (I'm in the USA). I haven't biked in a while - I don't even own a bike right now - but I loved doing it when I could, and the idea of trekking across the States and seeing the country that I live in is so appealing to me. It's definitely a bucket list item, one that I want to cross off before I'm out of my twenties.

Thanks for the birthday wish! I had a good time, went out with friends. It was fun. Day 50 Alright, so yesterday I didn't post (guess I forgot to). It was a relatively productive day - I say relatively because I got something big done, but I didn't get everything done that I wanted to. I applied to the HarperCollins summer internship program, which took me a while cause I had to write a cover letter and draft a new resume (I don't think working in a coffee shop for six months is related work experience). So I got that done, which is nice. Fingers crossed for that! I also got a little bit of reading done. We're reading White Teeth by Zadie Smith for one of my classes, and so far it's pretty good. Aside from all that, however, I didn't get enough done. I still have French homework, an essay thesis to come up with, two midterms to study for....I could've at least gotten through my French homework, but I didn't. Since I've just started trying my verbal technique that I mentioned in my first post, It's kinda hard to remember to do it when the urge to web-surf rises. Maybe I can stick a Post-It note to my laptop that will remind me haha....that actually sounds like a good idea, I'll try that! Also, I've been doing well with refraining from installing the Reddit and Youtube apps on my phone (I can't disable myself from doing that, so it's all on me), but it can get difficult when I feel bored and I really don't have anything else I need to do. At that point, I need to remember that there's things that I want to do, not need to do - and that's writing. I call myself a writer, so I need to write. I have a goal of drafting up two character outlines by Monday, so I'm going to shoot for that.

Hey, a fellow writer! That's cool that you have a publishing business, way to go on that. And thanks for sharing your story - I think that sort of anger is something everyone here can relate to. When I was still gaming I didn't play multiplayer games often because of the bouts of rage it would put me through, and I didn't like the person I became when that happened. Right now, I'm 50 days into my 90-day detox. It's been easy for me because I got rid of every gaming device I owned (so there's no real temptation) but I know that's not the route for everyone. Coming to these forums is a great step - everyone here supports and encourages each other, and Cam has a great series of videos on his Youtube channel about all things gaming addiction related. I've found that a starting a daily journal here is a good way to keep accountable and just a good way to wind down and reflect. Even though I may not have the ability to game, I'm still working on my self-control, trying to keep from browsing the internet all day and instead getting stuff done (I am a writer, after all, and I can't write if I'm on Reddit all the time!). Welcome, and thanks again for posting. Keep it up, it's possible.

Same. I was super insecure in middle and high school, so much so that is was almost debilitating. I wasn't one of the cool kids, but I tried to be - I tried to wear different clothes, different shoes, even a different way of walking. When I got to college most of that insecurity disappeared since I was able to start fresh with people I hadn't been in school with since kindergarten. What I've learned that works best, for me, is "fake it till you make it". Act confident even if you don't feel like it, and pretty soon you actually will feel confident. Recognize all the things you can't change about yourself and accept that you'll have to live with them, but also recognize the things you can change, and tackle them head on.

DAY 48 Today wasn't bad at all, game/surfing wise. Most of it was spent driving around and swapping cars because I had to get my own car towed (not looking forward to that repair bill). Even though I didn't get any of my classwork done, I feel justified in taking an day off of any work - it is my birthday, after all! Tomorrow is going to be the real challenge to wake up and be disciplined in my work, so I need to be prepared to face that challenge.

Day 47 Has anyone else relapsed in a dream? Last night I did, it was super strange. I bought a PS3 and played some game (can't remember which), and then I felt super ashamed about it (in the dream). Waking up was a weird relief haha! Today so far has been good with the web-surfing. Usually my class days are, because I'm on campus practically all day and have very little free time in between classes. We'll see about tomorrow.

... On the other hand, I'd like to say that as a writer, you often do need a real job to pay the bills. Oh, totally. I'm well aware that I need to find a day job that covers those expenses and allows me to write on the side. I'd love to write for a living, but I know that it will take some time to get there!