Road to 75kg

[Troll Warlord]

I went too far with my old journal and ended up deleting all of it. I will keep this simple. I will reach 75kg first (Currently 80kg) Then quit video games so that I have some buffer weight then.

Edited November 8, 2023 by lord8266

[Troll Warlord]

Hi.. Im back, done with my presentations did not go great but I did not run away and Im not losing my job.

I started listening to rock music and it helps with my anxiety. I can imagine the skull in the below video eating my fear haha..

If anyone interested in this playlist: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=g2JP7PKqpAg&t=2389s&ab_channel=MetalRock 

As for gaming I relapsed hard and I havent played for 2 days though since I have been too busy with my job, otherwise I would have played. My priority is now losing my weight and stop running away from problems. Ill game whenever I get time..

[Troll Warlord]

Today both my gpu fans stopped spinning, one fan stopped a few months after I bought the gpu but it was still working fine with another, today after 4 years the other as well stopped spinning and it just overheats if I launch dota 2. 

I can probably get it fixed but it is a sign I need to stop playing dota 2. I will stick to simple games that I played as a kid (like the one in my profile photo "State of War Cypron Studios" the first game I ever played) which can run on integrated graphics.

I could never reach 75 kg since after loss streaks in dota2 I just overeat and gain back all the weight I lost. Currently at 77kg I did manage to lose 3kg though.

 

[Troll Warlord]

Inorder to lose weight I need to gain muscle as well not just do cardio otherwise it will just yoyo

Ill continue sl5x5 and also get 10k steps everyday while eating less than normal

Edited January 4 by tyrantlordrex
a

[Troll Warlord]

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[Troll Warlord]

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Cg==

Edited January 17 by sniper
more stuff

[Troll Warlord]

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Edited January 17 by sniper

[Troll Warlord]

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Edited January 17 by sniper

[Troll Warlord]

People who dont understand above dont bother replying, coz I got a problem with average people ruining my life.

[Troll Warlord]

I just played some skribbl.io and realized games can be actually fun obviously stuff like mmorpg is different but it was fun chatting with chill people, actually now that I am feeling better I take back my above message

[Troll Warlord]

I trolled my work slack all day today though and nobody replied lol, I realize I am the charles boyle of my team

Edited January 17 by sniper

[Vee]

I don't see why you would be kicked off here, unless there's something I'm missing.

4 hours ago, sniper said:

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I don't think there is much pleasure to be gained from seeing someone do badly, at least for me. Seeing others grow is satisfying, as well as seeing people pick themselves up when they have "failed". Failure is a temporary state, it's not an inherent part of someone.

Why don't you care about yourself?

[Troll Warlord]

I dont know how to stay positive like all of you, thats all

Edited January 17 by sniper

[Pochatok]

I'm not sure what you mean by "staying positive". Most of my day is not positive whatsoever; I actually struggle with feeling joy and satisfaction. A word to describe a good day for me is rather "purposeful"- I'm living in alignment with my dreams and values, and though that rarely feels good/positive, it feels meaningful.

What purpose are you striving for? Once you reach 75kg and quit games- what's next?

[Troll Warlord]

I call it my powerspike when I reach 75kg, I think then I will really start putting effort and figure out what to do.

[Troll Warlord]

I mean if I reach a certain negative point then I might go into gaming room and order pizza and go back to square one at 80kg

[Troll Warlord]

75kg is my battlefury (farming item to get even stronger items in dota 2). I know all of this sounds stupid but yeah cant help it

[Yan]

On 1/18/2024 at 3:25 AM, Pochatok said:

I'm not sure what you mean by "staying positive". Most of my day is not positive whatsoever; I actually struggle with feeling joy and satisfaction. A word to describe a good day for me is rather "purposeful"- I'm living in alignment with my dreams and values, and though that rarely feels good/positive, it feels meaningful.

What purpose are you striving for? Once you reach 75kg and quit games- what's next?

 

On 1/17/2024 at 4:37 PM, sniper said:

I dont know how to stay positive like all of you, thats all

I think I have a great way to sum it up. Once you are in a state of gratefulness, you are saurated with it and there is no place left for "feeling sorry for yourself" "Being angry"
etc.
I suggest stating a gratefulness journal in general, possibly 5 thigns you are grateful everyday, and it doesn't matter if you write the same 5 or different. Most important i to keep it to a minimum of 5 daily.
Currently I write more than 30 every day, and it takes me about 12 minutes.

Also, the moment you are in a difficult position, remember how lucky you are to have all that you have, instead of concentrating on hpw difficult it is and thinking the world is "unfair" - think how lucky you are because you are a human beiing and you get the opportunity to overcome the insticts of "animals" you get judgement and you get the choice, which is exactly what I believe makes a part of us "godlike" - no hybris, because I just said "part"

Remember this every time you workout or do anything that requires focus. Remember how that is the price you have to pay for that hmongous force, which is so tiny in comparison to what we may achieve as humans! Look at Einstein, Musk, Schwarzennegger, Goggins, Phil Knight and countless others. They are just human, not a lot different from you, and a major factor differentiating thm from all the rest is that "Hard" work factor, look at your infinite potential!

And, remember to give yourself a pat on the back more than criticizing. This is also the reason I write 3 things I did well in my daily diary and 1 thing I oculd improve - note: not one thing I did bad, because we are all doing the best we know how each day. So understand this. This does definitely not mean not to keep trying infinitely to achieve your goals. On the contrary. Never stop trying.

Also concentrate on what is in your power not what is not.

One great book is Stephen Covey's seven habits of highly successful people - Be proactive. It explains about being Proactive. Perhaps you amy start by reading 5 pages of this book everyday(and never go below the 5 page minimum, at least till you finish this book 🙂 )if you do not read books yet

Get at it sniper, being here is a major first step and shows that you are willing to do progress! Small steps everyday is how greatness is built. 
A great sentence I heard of is "Overnight success often takes 10 years to achieve" remember that!

All the best!!!!!!!!! Thanks for following up on my journal 😉

 

 

13 hours ago, sniper said:

75kg is my battlefury (farming item to get even stronger items in dota 2). I know all of this sounds stupid but yeah cant help it

I do not believe you must lose weight to stop gaming, but that is one way to do it and If that's how you want to do it then go for it! I believe in you, just tryly plan it out how exactly you will do it and hit that damn target 🙂 I believe I might come in and check up on you from time to time, as well as others in this forum. So don't let us down!!!!!!!!!! 🙂
 

[Troll Warlord]

Thanks Yan. Appreciated. Gratitude idea seems interesting, but everybody else too has whatever I have and more and they (ill stop right here sorry)

Reached 74.5 kg, still continuing to increase strength while reducing weight (nothing is impossible when you are a noob with >20% bf) but dont feel like I look much different. I just look a little toned thats all. Targetting 70kg now. Also need to figure out one more goal.

Maybe it would be learning how to drive car. I went for classes before covid when I mentally weak and 82kg and instructor asked me to quit driving coz I kept stalling it. I know my current self would have taken him down for it but back then it hurt me a lot and stuff since I had subzero self esteem.

Maybe going to office for 5 days might also work to give structure (hybrid role)

Maybe trying to make friends might work. (Might want to wait till 70kg for this)

Maybe I will play dota 2 and play different heroes to make me get out of comfort zone (Easiest)

What is comfort zone? Why should I get out of it? What is the point of life anyway? Why am I even here?

I guess I will just continue till 70kg (gaming and jerking off every now and then) and see if I get enlightenment.

Im just stupid. Nothing has changed.

Edited February 7 by sniper

[Troll Warlord]

Actually I will be honest now, I will feel like shit for saying this for months and probably delete it but anyway **** it. My real problem is that im short man 5'5, I hate everyone looking down at me thats it. I hate that my feet dont even reach the ground for bench press (yes no leg ***** drive, only in one gym other gyms have lower bench table)  I hate that Im taken as a joke even if I try hard and get pushed away everywhere like im an insect of this world. Maybe I will become one, and infect them with all the diseased and make them empty their life saving trying to cure themselves hahahahaha

After studying for 23 years and getting a high paying job nothing matter because I am still ***** short

I know all of you would immediately ignore me since I am short and not reply and probably kick me out but its okay, Just wait till I reach 70kg. Ill join boxing then. Ill ride my bike at 2nd gear and make everyone honk at me and laugh at me and kick me, scream at me, hate me ahahahaha. That is fun love watching cars go slowly behind me when I am in the middle riding in second gear.

One car decided to dash me again and again. Obviously I couldnt do anything, I am short and not very strong but it will change in future when I reach 70kg. When they dash me again then I will throw my bike on their ***** mirror and make a scene and make everyone hate me hahahahaha.

Maybe I will go to prison after all this, I need to be strong for that, wait why am I going to prison?? After I am bullied for being short I go to prison?? I hope another jurassic meteor comes down and takes out all the humans.

Also what about girlfriend and stuff? I gave up on it a long time ago. In fact I used to be bullied by girls itself just because they were tall and had even taller boyfriends.

Edited February 7 by sniper

[Dark]

I was builled at school for my dark skin tone, but  i started saying that because i am dark i have a big Willie, it became a good joke and everyone stopped builing me. After that i accepted it and its even is my nickname RN at most serveses. Its just a word, it doesnt prove who are u. U are good as u think and do. And you can always find girl etc matching your height. I am tall and its really hard bumping my head at everything. Also one of my mates is short but he is successfull with girls he managed to be FIRST of all as who got into serious realationship

[Pochatok]

18 hours ago, Dark said:

i started saying that because i am dark i have a big Willie

I am concerned that you're setting yourself up for a more insidious type of bullying by embracing another set of stereotypes about men of color. I hope you'll be able to find a space/community where you don't need to exchange racialized bullying for sexual stereotyping. 

I'm sorry that your peers feel threatened by your skin color to an extent that causes them to bully you. Yes, none of this proves who you are, but it does limit how other people see you, which is damn awful.

Was bullied for my dark[er] skin tone as well- but I also was very lucky to have my parents move to a place where my skintone became the average and nobody cared anymore.

❤️ 

[Pochatok]

On 2/7/2024 at 4:20 AM, sniper said:

Actually I will be honest now, I will feel like shit for saying this for months and probably delete it but anyway **** it. My real problem is that im short man 5'5, I hate everyone looking down at me thats it. I hate that my feet dont even reach the ground for bench press (yes no leg ***** drive, only in one gym other gyms have lower bench table)  I hate that Im taken as a joke even if I try hard and get pushed away everywhere like im an insect of this world. Maybe I will become one, and infect them with all the diseased and make them empty their life saving trying to cure themselves hahahahaha

After studying for 23 years and getting a high paying job nothing matter because I am still ***** short

I know all of you would immediately ignore me since I am short and not reply and probably kick me out but its okay, Just wait till I reach 70kg. Ill join boxing then. Ill ride my bike at 2nd gear and make everyone honk at me and laugh at me and kick me, scream at me, hate me ahahahaha. That is fun love watching cars go slowly behind me when I am in the middle riding in second gear.

One car decided to dash me again and again. Obviously I couldnt do anything, I am short and not very strong but it will change in future when I reach 70kg. When they dash me again then I will throw my bike on their ***** mirror and make a scene and make everyone hate me hahahahaha.

Maybe I will go to prison after all this, I need to be strong for that, wait why am I going to prison?? After I am bullied for being short I go to prison?? I hope another jurassic meteor comes down and takes out all the humans.

Also what about girlfriend and stuff? I gave up on it a long time ago. In fact I used to be bullied by girls itself just because they were tall and had even taller boyfriends.

Hey! 

I'm sorry your height has been used against you in such dehumanizing ways. Your height doesn't define you, and neither is it a disadvantage in any way.

In high school, I was stuck in a similar mindset- I'd work out 7 days a week, non-stop, to make up for the sources of my social insecurities- poor knowledge of English, social anxiety, acne, etc. . But none of that helped- like video games, it was another way to escape, rather than unpack my insecurities.

Confidence can only be built-up by addressing insecurities. To "make up" for an insecurity by building up confidence in another area of your lifestyle is a dangerous path.

I was very lucky to have my insecurities stripped away when I entered college- people loved me for who I was, and I began to accept myself as is, too. I hope you can find a community like that for yourself- those who don't see your height as making you any less of a person. Cuz that's the truth, and I'm sorry other people around you are so embedded in their own insecurities that they have a need to bring you down. 

❤️ 

[Troll Warlord]

Thanks, I dont know what to do now, every thing I try fails, ever since I ran away from my college presentation 4 years ago and left my teamates alone coz I thought our project was stupid.

Ill begin the cycle again from tomorrow by quitting video games for 90 days

[Pochatok]

Imo, before attempting another failure-prone task (aka full of learning), I would work through having a more positive outlook on yourself and your (cap)abilities. Without a strong sense of confidence (aka less insecure), it is so, so hard to move through the 90-day detox. 

I was only able to quit games once I no longer was looking down upon myself. 

You definitely can and will succeed regardless, but it was a much more difficult road for me- attempting to do my best when I saw myself as lesser.