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For myself


LostRiver
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I joined this site on 2017. Did not stick

Came back on and off, quitting never stick

But now I really want to quit to grow in the job I like and have more friends plus live a more fulfilling life

Hope I can give and find support to complete this journey

To myself later on and whoever read this note: Good luck, keep hope alive and I love you, you deserve all the better things in life

Now there is hope.png

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Hey there, 

Thanks for the wishes, I send you the best of luck on your journey as well! In my perspective, failure sucks, but you only fail if you stop trying. Which it's clear you haven't. Good luck on your journey, I'm rooting for you! 

A

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Thank you. Sometimes my struggle scares me into relapse. Hope I can remember that stop trying is the real failure

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I forgot what sobriety feels like. I miss it. I hate it that my addiction alters my perception of joy and fulfillment

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  • 4 weeks later...

Sick, in pain, relapse. So scared. Did not know how I made it here to write this: Do not want to lose my job

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  • 1 month later...

I was terrified when I realized this while gaming: I have spent most of my youth putting my own life to a back seat so gaming can be in the front. I even do it subconsciously. I do not want to change or to grow because all I want is to spend more time gaming.

I am now a depressed shut-in addict with a murky future. I would scream for help but I am not sure who is there. Not even myself. I am so scared.

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Hi, remember games are not your priority, your well-being is. So put them in the back seat.

It doesn't matter if you relapse, keep trying. Better having 1 day without video games and 1 day with them, than 2 days with video games.

We are here to help.

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I learned that our short term memory, used for reasoning and making decisions, can only hold 04 things at once. I am scared that so many years of holding gaming as the forth thing has damaged it beyond repair. I need to prove to myself that I can learn. Again.

To anyone visiting this post, stay strong! I love you as a human being and no matter how gaming has made you viewed yourself, I will always see you as worthy of love and respect!

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[[[START]]]

I am a porn, phone and gaming addict. I am also depressed. I know it is a bit harsh that I try to force myself to quit all three at once - cold turkey.

All my life I have been an addict. Almost all of my happy memories are when I game. My addiction taught me to subconsciously hate myself. Such hatred turned me bitter and estranged from everyone, even my parents and even me.

I have no idea If I will make it. Or what it will take before I make it. [[[I am just thankful that I get to keep trying today. And now.]]]

If you are reading this, whoever you are, stay strong. For yourself and for me too. See you tomorrow.

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On 7/7/2022 at 9:04 AM, LostRiver said:

. I know it is a bit harsh that I try to force myself to quit all three at once - cold turkey.

Hahah yes, I did the same and it never worked out. I had to let myself not worry about reaching perfection and go for one thing at a time, even if the other got worse. Maybe you can do it (and I'm rooting for you 🙂), but I hope that you won't be too hard on yourself for not succeeding- the task is so difficult!

On 7/7/2022 at 9:04 AM, LostRiver said:

My addiction taught me to subconsciously hate myself. Such hatred turned me bitter and estranged from everyone

I do not know what your circumstances and possibilities are, but I hope that you're able to seek help with this! I had a similar set of issues, and as much as I wished to have the strength and discipline to resolve self-hatred and doubt on my own, it simply was not possible. Once I believed that I very much deserved, like anyone else, to feel and do better, it was a bit easier to seek more help than I thought was needed (I ended up getting too much help, even- but that's good, right?). 

Hope this helps! I'm only trying to speak for myself because I feel like your circumstances are so different and I don't want to make assumptions. 

Po

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On 7/8/2022 at 1:21 AM, Martinof said:

Hi, don't be too hard with yourself, it can be counter productive

Good luck 👍

Thank you Martinof. I was quite upset with myself for not making certain progress that Friday so I felt I needed to document my journey a bit. Thanks for the reminder. Hope you have a nice weekend. Looking forward to reading your journal 🙂

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20 hours ago, Pochatok said:

Hahah yes, I did the same and it never worked out. I had to let myself not worry about reaching perfection and go for one thing at a time, even if the other got worse. Maybe you can do it (and I'm rooting for you 🙂), but I hope that you won't be too hard on yourself for not succeeding- the task is so difficult!

Thank you Po. I do not mean to judge your progress but it really helps me to know that others struggle like me. I always think I was trading one addiction for another and it upset me so much.  Thanks for the encouragement, Imma ease it up a little bit.

21 hours ago, Pochatok said:

I do not know what your circumstances and possibilities are, but I hope that you're able to seek help with this! I had a similar set of issues, and as much as I wished to have the strength and discipline to resolve self-hatred and doubt on my own, it simply was not possible. Once I believed that I very much deserved, like anyone else, to feel and do better, it was a bit easier to seek more help than I thought was needed (I ended up getting too much help, even- but that's good, right?). 

I am really scared to admit that (words of AA) my life has become unmanagable and therefore I need to give in to a higher power/ receive help. It seems to be so true though. Like I feel so much better being in this community and taking to you all. So yeah.

If possible, can you share with me what you mean by you getting too much help? If you already have, just a link to that page in your journal/ post is fine. Much appreciated.

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Yeah, I don't understand why they mention a "higher power", a lot of people don't believe in a higher power, so it won't work for them. But seeking and receiving help will help.

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20 hours ago, Martinof said:

Yeah, I don't understand why they mention a "higher power", a lot of people don't believe in a higher power, so it won't work for them. But seeking and receiving help will help.

Yeah I agree. But I gotta read up on it. CGAA and AA people in general speak about addiction and to each other in a way that I find admirable. 

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"But we found that such codes and philosophies did not save us, no matter how much we tried. We could wish to be moral, we could wish to be philosophically comforted, in fact, we could will these things with all our might, but the needed power wasn't there. Our human resources, as marshalled by the will, were not sufficient; they failed utterly.

Lack of power, that was our dilemma. We had to find a power by which we could live, and it had to be a Power greater than ourselves."

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On 7/9/2022 at 6:18 AM, LostRiver said:

I always think I was trading one addiction for another and it upset me so much

haha, it kind of is like that! But, eventually you'll run out of new addictions to pick up... For me, my social media usage (and YouTube) got a lot worse for the first couple of weeks, but as I was gaining more distance from my gaining addiction, I was able to get more under control. However, attempting to do all at the same time from the get go was too overwhelming every time. 

 

On 7/9/2022 at 6:18 AM, LostRiver said:

can you share with me what you mean by you getting too much help

Ohh, all i mean is continuing to get more resources and enter more communities! It very much depends on your circumstances. For me, I was keeping a daily journal here, let some of my friends know about the fact that I was quitting as a tool of accountability, and also wrote in my physical journal every now and then. There was more than that, but that's what I remember. 

Basically, it is quite easy for me to over-rely on my own discipline rather than support systems. For a long time I thought that gaining more discipline meant taking the most difficult path and forcing myself through it, but (after reading Atomic Habits) I began finding the easiest routes instead. It works so much better!

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I've been going to Internet and Tech Addicts Anonymous, ITAA, and I really recommend it. I am a tech addict in general, not just a gaming addict. I'm an addict in general really, you name it I've probably compulsively done it. Just bringing it up since I see you quoting 12 step literature! It might not be for everyone but it has absolutely worked miracles in my life. (And I'm extremely agnostic!)

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On 7/11/2022 at 3:23 AM, Pochatok said:

haha, it kind of is like that! But, eventually you'll run out of new addictions to pick up... For me, my social media usage (and YouTube) got a lot worse for the first couple of weeks, but as I was gaining more distance from my gaining addiction, I was able to get more under control. However, attempting to do all at the same time from the get go was too overwhelming every time. 

Yeah I suppose I understand, but sometimes I just pick up my phone and cannot put it down. Especially when I'm dealing with stress at work or in life. I fear that any addiction will turn to an escape for me.

Sure cold turkey fails but for me moderation is such as fine line.

Thank you for your clarification thogh. I do feel better when I get help, especially talking to you and others here. 

 

 

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7 hours ago, GrainSiloEnthusiast said:

I've been going to Internet and Tech Addicts Anonymous, ITAA, and I really recommend it. I am a tech addict in general, not just a gaming addict. I'm an addict in general really, you name it I've probably compulsively done it.

Wow! I have been to a few ITAA meetings too,

My best was my computer for a long time since my asthma scared my parents too much for them to let me go out.

7 hours ago, GrainSiloEnthusiast said:

 It might not be for everyone but it has absolutely worked miracles in my life. (And I'm extremely agnostic!)

I attended a few CGAA and ITAA meetings but just recently took to reading the big book of AA. Really appreciate if you can share more about how has it helped you exactly

I am a non native English speaker so I'm a bit silent at meetings though

Thank you for sharing your stuffs with me. If you need a word of encouragement: I bet that grain silo looks a lot better because it is drawn on paper and not on electronics haha

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[[To the kid inside me]]

Hi kid I'm so sorry

I'm sorry I tried to kill you. I tried to act tough, to "be strong", to "grow up" but all I did was running away from you, burying you thinking that you are source of the pain

I'm sorry I thought you were weak. I did not realize that my addiction put shame on me and drove me to be unable to love myself and thus love you for who you are, who we are

I'm sorry I did not take care of you until almost too late. Until I could not get out bed in the morning, I did not ask "Who I am now? And why am I feeling like this?". I did not realize you were hurting so bad

I'm sorry I did not do enough work. I did not go to enough meetings or be honest enough or sometime just plainly did not try hard enough to ease the addiction and your pain

And I'm sorry I got addicted in the first place. I'm sorry for all the missed opportunities, all the tragedies, all the pain and regrets and all the years spent in ignorance or misery.

But I love you kid. Now as write this, I vaguely know that I need you and you are just a hurt kid who needs help. You might be the reason I'm trying to get clean: not my discipline, my ego or even my family. It might be the kid drowning in the sea of addiction and depression but still yearns to be a kid, to be happy that drives me to get healthy.

I love you kid. With all my heart, I love you.

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On 7/12/2022 at 7:01 AM, LostRiver said:

Wow! I have been to a few ITAA meetings too,

My best was my computer for a long time since my asthma scared my parents too much for them to let me go out.

I attended a few CGAA and ITAA meetings but just recently took to reading the big book of AA. Really appreciate if you can share more about how has it helped you exactly

I am a non native English speaker so I'm a bit silent at meetings though

Thank you for sharing your stuffs with me. If you need a word of encouragement: I bet that grain silo looks a lot better because it is drawn on paper and not on electronics haha

Personally I am also a recovering drug addict and the 12 step programs of AA and NA have worked miracles in my life, as well as both of my parents lives who both have over 20 years of sobriety each. Being able to listen to the experience strength and hope of the other members is what helps me the most, plus exchanging numbers and being able to reach out when I'm struggling. I haven't been to a whole lot of ITAA meetings yet but when I do I love being able to hear people talk about the exact same issues I have with technology and how they cope with it!

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12 hours ago, LostRiver said:

[[To the kid inside me]]

Hi kid I'm so sorry

I'm sorry I tried to kill you. I tried to act tough, to "be strong", to "grow up" but all I did was running away from you, burying you thinking that you are source of the pain

I'm sorry I thought you were weak. I did not realize that my addiction put shame on me and drove me to be unable to love myself and thus love you for who you are, who we are

I'm sorry I did not take care of you until almost too late. Until I could not get out bed in the morning, I did not ask "Who I am now? And why am I feeling like this?". I did not realize you were hurting so bad

I'm sorry I did not do enough work. I did not go to enough meetings or be honest enough or sometime just plainly did not try hard enough to ease the addiction and your pain

And I'm sorry I got addicted in the first place. I'm sorry for all the missed opportunities, all the tragedies, all the pain and regrets and all the years spent in ignorance or misery.

But I love you kid. Now as write this, I vaguely know that I need you and you are just a hurt kid who needs help. You might be the reason I'm trying to get clean: not my discipline, my ego or even my family. It might be the kid drowning in the sea of addiction and depression but still yearns to be a kid, to be happy that drives me to get healthy.

I love you kid. With all my heart, I love you.

This is absolutely beautiful.

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Been to a meeting about meditation today. I feel that I need these notes:

- Breathing and focus on the breath: 4 sec in 4 sec out 

- Center on something to be thankful for/ something good

- Need to find something for healing

- One day at a time

*Some reference:

https://www.uclahealth.org/marc/mindful-meditations

https://www.thanhlinh.net/index.php?q=node/15982

Lạy Chúa Giêsu, điều chúng con xin hôm nay là tha thứ. Như Chúa đã tha thứ và chết cho tội lỗi của con, con cũng xin tha thứ cho người khác. Xin Chúa ban sức mạnh và quyền năng của Thánh Thần cho con để giúp con tha thứ được cho người khác, không còn nhớ đến lỗi lầm của họ nữa, mà luôn cầu nguyện và chúc lành cho họ.

Lạy Chúa Giêsu, con xin tha thứ cho chính con vì những tội lỗi con đã phạm; những thất bại con làm; những đau khổ con gây ra cho người khác; những nói xấu, vu oan, hành hạ làm tổn thương đến người khác. Con xin chấp nhận con người thật của con, những bất tài của con, hình dáng khó coi, thương tích, yếu điểm và tật nguyền của con.

Lạy Chúa Giêsu, con xin tha thứ cho cha mẹ của con về những sự trừng phạt, khắt khe, cấm đoán đối với con; những sự bỏ bê gia đình, con cái; những sự chửi bới, nguyền rủa, đánh đập con; đối sử không công bằng với con; cha mẹ nghiện ngập, ly dị làm gương xấu cho con, cưỡng hiếp, hành hạ con; chê bai nói con vô tích sự, đuổi con ra khỏi nhà.  

Lạy Chúa Giêsu, con xin tha thứ cho anh chị em con về những sự ăn hiếp, đánh đập, vu oan, đổ lỗi cho con; ghen ghét, tranh giành tình yêu, gia tài của cha mẹ với con; nguyền rủa, nói xấu con.

Lạy Chúa Giêsu, con xin tha thứ cho bà con, bạn bè, hàng xóm của con về sự nói xấu, vu khống, tố giác, kiện tụng con; ăn cắp, giựt tiền, quịt nợ của con; nguyền rủa, chúc dữ cho con.

Lạy Chúa Giêsu, con xin tha thứ cho chủ hãng, ông xếp của con đã không trả lương xứng đáng cho con; bắt con làm việc quá sức, đối sử thiếu công bình, không thăng chức, lợi dụng, xúc phạm thân xác và sức khỏe của con.

Lạy Chúa Giêsu, con xin tha thứ cho một người làm con đau khổ nhất mà con không bao giờ tha thứ được. Con dâng người này (thinh lặng một chút... nói thầm tên họ) giờ phút này cho Chúa.

Lạy Chúa Giêsu, con cảm tạ Chúa đã giúp con tha thứ được cho người khác. Xin Chúa Thánh Thần đổi mới, thanh tẩy trí nhớ của con để con không còn nhớ đến lỗi lầm của người khác. Xin Chúa tha thứ cho tội lỗi của con, và ban tràn đầy hoa quả tốt lành của Thánh Thần trong trái tim con. Xin cho con bước đi trong ánh sáng, bình an, yêu thương và niềm hoan lạc của Chúa. Amen.

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Woke up from a deep sleep:

This weekend I have been clean but I watched a lot of stuffs on Youtube with my phone. It hits me after I woke up: now sober, I begin so see all the mistakes that I made while being addicted, all the people I hurt, all the missed opportunities.

And it hurt me immensely that almost everything I did "under the influence" was so wrong. Plus I am so scared to try again/ keep on working on things.

I do not want to go back to being an addict but I have no idea how I can fix my life and make a better future for myself.

I suppose for now I just keep to the AA saying of "One day at a time". Also I will go back to check on Cam's materials.

Clocking in day 7th game free.

One day at a time

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