Pochatok

Oh no! My heart is hurting quite a bit, I'm so sorry to hear that you -and many of my friends in Russia- are getting drafted. It sucks even more that you are already in the reserve... I really hope that this week's entries aren't the last time I hear from you. I'm glad you're continuing to be resilient even in the face of such difficult circumstances.

Awhhh shoot, same here! I only do calisthenics now because I ruined my kneecaps and a few other joints. Lifting weights is too risky. Hey! Just remember that this is only a feeling, not a fact! You might be feeling this way now, and that's totally valid, and you're going to feel better in the future. If it is possible for other people just like you, it is possible for you too. You are on your own journey; I think that if I wasn't so privilieged to attend one of America's better universities, I would be still addicted. You have a very different environment that does influence the speed at which you can fight the addiction. It's not all your fault, because so many factors are outside of your control (or you might not even know about them). But you can, and will succeed, if you give yourself enough time and love and understanding. Your addiction does not define who you are or who you can be! Hope that this will give you some strength to keep going ❤️ Po

Feeling a bit anxious as it's late and I still haven't gotten to my HW... But, this reflection is also extremely important to me and I do not wish to put it off any longer. I smiled, stretched, stood up and sat back down. Now I'm feeling excited for this! Gaming Woah! I did end up downloading and installing it, just a couple days ago (and, sike, because Minecraft is not "fun" enough). Now, I've been limiting myself pretty strictly to 15-20 minutes, but while the initial few days have been positive, I'm already starting to feel addicted. It's extremely frustrating that I'm not able to enjoy any more fun, exciting games without getting addicted. I'll install an additional set of limitations, and if that still leaves me feeling stressed, will uninstall the game. As someone who wants to work in the video game industry, I would like to be able to enjoy playing without becoming addicted. Perhaps, changing my reason for playing games into a more professional-oriented activity would help? Right now, I'm seeing it as entertainment, and that could be feeding into addictive behaviours. I'm still commited to living an addiction-free life. If this doesn't get better by next entry, I will uninstall everything and erase all data🙂 Recap of the week Regained the routines, but need to work on goals to feel more motivated. I remember, early in the summer, I would wake up feeling genuinely excited to engage in the same activities that feel like a chore now. Anyways, school has started! Funny enough, it no longer feels that big- I'm enjoying work much more than classes (even though they're great), and hope to take on more awesome jobs soon. We'll see if my priorities change in the coming weeks. Made a budget for the year, and it seems that I need to apply -and win- some scholarships! A good motivator to be doing more artistic stuff again lol Effectiveness/Efficiency Better here! All it takes, really, is having a more efficiency-oriented mindset, where the only important thing in the process is the goal itself. In other words, I don't worry as much about having a perfect route towards the destination, and only correct my route if I'm experiencing stress/frustration. In terms of practicing music and exercising, this has been giving me amazing results. Relationships Ey, had a couple counselling session to work exactly on this issue, and it has gotten better! I do feel a bit out of my skin when saying things differently from how I usually say them, but I hope it's just a matter of getting used to... being kinder, lol. Also, visited my family, and was super happy to see one of my parents act much more positive. While they're still struggling with many things (and I hope to help), being around my family now is an overwhelmingly positive experience. I'm so grateful for the collaborative work on improving our relationships within family- thank you parents, siblings, and friends! Moving Forward AAA Still haven't done it, but it seems like it will be okay now? I will for sure have time for this over the weekend, and the motivation is there again now that I'm interacting again with the people who I consult on these projects. Too true still, it takes a lot of thinkfeeling to get myself more precisely motivated for doing any creative work. I don't want to let it slip away from me. But my biggest worry is regaining my addictive behaviours and losing my general sense of motivation for real life. I might be too paranoid... Thank you for reading! Hope that you've found something inspiring or helpful in this entry. Po ❤️

Haha, get those dreams from time to time to! Unfortunately, the dreams are extremely positive experiences and I wake up feeling bitter that in real-life gaming is so polluted with addictive patterns and mechanics.

So happy you're making progress! There are definitely phases where the cravings change character and you feel like addiction is no longer there... But it takes so much longer to wear off, unfortunately, and it's important to persist on the detox 🙂 I've had multiple points (about 7 months into the detox, for example) where I also experienced something that wasn't quite a craving... As soon as I'd start playing, convinced that because it didn't feel like a craving things would be fine, addiction would make a return. Keep at it!

Hi! I second Wildermyth's points. It's a long journey, and I'm not sure if there are shortcuts. It took me a very long time to not feel that way about gaming content on social media. If you use Chrome, there's a super useful extension called "UnDistracted". It blocks out a lot of different content types (comments, feed, suggestions, etc.) across multiple sites. Reduced my urge to watch addictive content because it simply made it unacessible.

Thank you for sharing your story, it's such valuable insight into how different our experiences with gaming addiction can be. I'm happy that you're able to reason and analyse yourself so deeply, and hope it helps in reducing the addictive behaviours!

What do you find beneficial to you or others in writing blogs? I've done it for a bit, and just ended up feeling discouraged cuz it didn't seem to leave any impact on people around me...

Hmm, it has worked out for me! I do think that as an approach to treat addiction it is uneffective, but I've come back to casual gaming (<20min/day) and it actually leaves me feeling good. There are two multiple sides of the coin to any activity, and categorizing anything as either "good" or "bad" limits very much the ability to understand what that thing truly is. I'm curious of your definition of "becoming stronger": what does increase in strength look like to you across different activities? I do agree with your point about becoming a leader 100%, leadership skills are key to thriving in modern environments imo.

Eyy! Same for me, the less I game the less excuses I have to not read every day. I also find podcasts/audiobooks much more appealing, but the amount of knowledge and insight reading provides makes it worth my time. Also, your set up is damn hot! That looks so cozy!

Hey! Have you thought of making your journal entries a bit more detailed (and maybe less frequent?). For me, using this forum as a space to reflect and analyze turned out to be extremely helpful 🙂

First, let's get into the right environment! Get some water, clean up my desk... Stretch wide, get into the most energetic posture... Let's get started! Gaming Been getting into more addictive loops with this game. It is not addictive by design, but I'm so effective at setting up my own goals that it becomes quite difficult to stop playing at the clock. I'll apply the general rule of habit building from Atomic Habits, "it's okay to slip up once, but once you repeat the same mistake, it becomes a pattern." And those are hard to break. Other than that, still have a very strong urge to reinstall games- almost downloaded one yesterday, stopped myself halfway through. Other historically harmful habits are also resurfacing; I've been simply taking it as a sign that I need more concrete (time and scope-wise) goals and routines. At the moment, it feels like I have "nothing" to do, and so timesinking into games feels just right. Recap of the week Now I know that I felt that way largely because I quit most of my routines and lost track of goals. Today and tomorrow, I'll be spending a large portion of my day rebuilding them. My job has finally concluded, and I'm incredibly happy with it! I've learned a ton, and made more impact than ever. From now on, I'll seek out more executive-level positions. The amount of creativity and individuality I get to employ at such a global level of impact is an incredible experience... How am I feeling right now While it feels great to not be burdened by shame for not being too productive, I've totally forgotten that this same feeling is what got me addicted. I'd give myself the excuse to play games, browse internet, and engage in other potentially harmful, stressful behaviours through saying, "there is still so much time in the day left". Truth is, time is not important, and I don't ever want to use it as an excuse, be it "too little time" or "too much time". What matters is my internal motivators to do _ rather than _ . I've been overlooking motivation, and while I am not feeling bad over spending lots of time simply feeling good, indulging in those patterns any longer will begin to cause me stress. Otherwise, I'm feeling good haha. It's a fine morning. I am improving my sleep schedule and morning routines, and that always feels great. Love waking up feeling good! Effectiveness Still in the process of kicking in, I guess? I'm feeling less stressed about work, but I feel like it's because there is less work. There is still so much to work on when it comes to dealing with frustrations and stress factors as soon as they're on the horizon instead of when they're hovering right over me... Relationships So much to work on when it comes to having arguments with my partner... While we're doing great when, uh, things are great, I struggle greatly to comfort my partner when they are stressed. That often leads to some serious conflicts. We're gonna use our college student privilege and get a group counselling session; hope that will help. If looking beyond my partner and I's relationship, things are great. I feel very comfortable hanging with all kinds of people, and while I still prefer to be on my own, my social anxieties are having a historic low. Kudos to all the organizations I've been a part of this summer, they forced me out of my comfort zone and helped me adapt to, but also appreciate being more extroverted. Moving Forward Oops haha. Gotta get to that ASAP, or else I'll have to pay out of pocket for a study abroad class... I'm excited to be getting into a whole new year of learning, meeting people, creating awesome projects that I absolutely despise the process of, and simply being student. But, I fear that I'll lose sight of my bigger goals again, and will end up dropping them for other projects. My desire to be an animator/sound designer is strong, but easily undermined... Time wil tell! Thank you for reading, and I hope you can find some joy in the memories you've made today ❤️ Po

Hey, totally feel you on that whack-a-mole experience with additctions. For me, learning to accept boredom and use it to my advantage has been quite helpful. I've been experiencing lots of urges to restart gaming lately, going all the way to downloading a game and then withdrawing the last moment. What helped me was acknowleding that I am a) bored and b) not interested in doing anything "productive". Truth is, everything you do (including literally laying down and being bored) can be incredibly productive if you let it be. Not everything has to add up directly towards your goals, but everything does trickle down into them one way or another. It very much depends on our perception of what's going on. Learning to take boredom as an opportunity to reflect, recenter, and regain energy has helped me reduce my urges towards addictive behaviour with the least amount of effort and stress. Before, I'd try to force myself to be hyper-productive, burying the urges in work. While it worked, it ultimately did not help my motivation or lowered my stress, and only led to more boredom, which I did not know how to cope with. Let me know what you think! Po

First, I'd like to take a deep breath and reassess how my environment is influencing me right now... Took a sip of water, changed some of the lights on my desk... Both feet on the floor, one deep breath... Let's get started! Gaming With games that have little extrinsic motivation, this has been a joy to practice. Even 3 minutes of Minecraft can be spent in a way that strongly improves my emotional state. But attempting to play an FPS causes me to feel frustrated about the time wasted... Funny enough, I literally had a long dream tonight about playing an MMO, but as soon as I think of all the timesinks any and all of those games include, my excitement is lost 😆 I hope to continue to carry this thought with me: the long-term consequences outweigh the immediate benefits when it comes to addictive games. With how my personality currently is, self-control against addictive mechanics is draining. Recap of the week Realised that I've forgotten a core value of mine in the last couple of weeks: make no pride in doing my work, let others bring in the praise (if they have any). Making whatever I'm doing seem big and important shifts it into something scary, challenging, overwhelming. One of my family members is ridiculously successful and I aspire to them every day, but they always say "eh, it's all easy and boring and no big deal". Anyways, this week has been a bit easier on me. I'm not feeling as busy, and have actually enjoyed some free time. It no longer feels like a 24/7 rush hour, and that helps me look ahead instead of being stuck in the 5 seconds that just passed. My partner and I just passed our 3rd anniversarry, which is something I almost forgot -_- Haven't had much time to work on sound design, but it's slowly coming back into my routines. How am I feeling right now Still don't keep this in my head often enough, though other lessons from "The Myth of Charisma" have been getting into my day-to-day happenings more steadily! I'm feeling pretty calm right now; recently, I saw the quote "your value is not determined by your productivity", and it has stuck with me good! Every time I say that, I suddenly feel that there are another 20 hours in my day and I can take some time to read a book or be with my partner... Quotes can do wonders! Effectiveness Going back to the fundamental approach of "enjoying the process -> entering the flow -> preventing/reacting early to frustrations -> staying in the flow -> best results" has been very helpful, though it's hard to not feel guilty for not being 100% effective right away. This approach takes time to kick in, but I know that the longer term results can be phenomenal. And, I am actually not feeling super stressed and tired at the end of the day, what?!?! Relationships Still rings true, and now there is a bit of guilt for taking the time to cuddle in the morning with my partner... Simply put, fuck capitalism and the workaholic culture. I'll try to focus more on having a reasonable excuse to stay in bed for 10-20 more minutes while feeling excited to get out of bed. Not feeling well when getting out of bed is the worst, and it affects how I treat my partner for the rest of the day 😞 Also, my family came for a visit, which was super nice! Everyone was very kind and chill, and it was just a great weekend overall. I hope that they all are doing just as fine at home, however; this was a very good weekend, but I doubt that it's the same when they come back home from a 12-hour workday... Moving Forward Somewhat true! I am trying to balance my wellbeing with positive discipline and not let my routines slip away too far. Building Habits is a big goal of mine, and taking more than 1-3 days off from any routine is harmful to that. I hope to spend even more time reading, get better at prioritizing and organizing my day, and stop avoiding larger, looming projects (like publishing my research). Thank you so much for reading ❤️ Po

Thank you for your warm comments ❤️ Hearing that you aspire to some of my qualities makes me want to keep doing my best! I wouldn't say I'm very disciplined, it's just that I've become very passionate about doing things that many other people find boring/difficult. As for maturity, I'm the oldest sibling in a 1st-gen immigrant family, so I kinda had no choice lol... It is something that just comes with emracing and experiencing lots of different situations, which acquiring maturity is a journey unique to every individual. Take your time 🙂 Cult of the Lamb looks super interesting, I remember seeing a trailer months ago..? Honestly, the game seems a bit too fun for me lol. I have been sticking to very intristic games (i.e. lack of rewards/objectives) like Minecraft, and am totally with you in avoiding multiplayer, competitive stuff. As much as I want it to be otherwise, being easily drawn into addictive mechanics in any activity (sports included 😞) is an inherent part of my personality. Is that true for you too, at all? Thank you again Max ❤️

I'm back! The last few weeks have picked up greatly in the busy-ness of things, but it's settling down to stable (if intense) rhythms. Gaming With how busy I've gotten, it's been easier to manage this! However, at times it gets to the other side of the coin- I feel like there is not enough time to play. Been approaching this issue by trying to enjoy every moment of playing a game instead of pursuing a "goal". The more I'm getting into sound design, the more it seems that I will need to start playing games more; I'm not afraid though 🙂 Recap of the week I've decided to cut on my visual creative productions for now, sadly. I've been splitting myself quite thin for most of August, and there are a few concrete goals I want to meet. There is no success without a couple sacrifices, even if they are temporary. Speaking of sacrifices.... Nah, that's a bad segway. Anyways, I've been doing okay otherwise. I'm taking on a huge (but not well-paid) job right now, and doing it very well. My partner and I are very busy and don't spend much time together, but I don't feel like it is affecting our relationship all that much, fortunately. Been thinking of calling my family for a few evenings now, and every time something else comes up... How am I feeling right now Alright. I've slept for at least 8.5 hours today but am still feeling very tired. It's frustrating. I miss feeling energetic and excited when I wake up, but I think that it is partially tied down to bad weather and avoidance of a healthy morning routine. I am excited for today, however- I will get to work on lots of exciting things I've been putting off until now. Effectiveness Rings true even more- yesterday I played sports for the first time in a while, and noticed how much negative talk was spilling out... Excited to tackle this, but the amount of stress I am dropping on myself with this complicated habit is frustrating. I just want to enjoy things -_- Relationships Been getting much practice in this regard. My ability to project warmth and confidence have definitely increased, and so has my comfort with meeting new people and public speaking. I do think that I have not been able to see many friends or call family due to how I'm prioritizing my day lately, which isn't great, but otherwise I am feeling very good socially. When I am confident and comfortable, other people act that way towards me to. The more I'll remember this, the easier will creating successful interactions with others become. Moving Forward Weather has been fucking great. I miss the sunny days, but it's finally peaceful and breezy. Lmao, I was so taken off-guard when my new job stared! Killed my passion for life for a couple hours for sure. I've given up now on having a very stable routine, because my wellbeing has to come first. I try to fit in as much as I can into a day, but am not focusing on being the most effective self as that can be draining. There is certainly room for improvement in stress management, and I will try to set concrete goals for the coming week in that area at 11AM today. Thank you for reading! Po

Haha yes, we had the longest exchange of affirmations and compliments. That friend goes by "she".

Awhh thank you! glad you're doing well 🙂 I also took a long pause from GQ, but will be posting an update soon. Let's keep each other accountable!

Another week, another round of Updates! As always, please skim through this to find something that's useful for you :) Gaming Works so far! Occasionally play the FPS (<10min/day) on non-personal computers as a way to recharge during work, but it's still a bit obsessive. Been playing other games that are much more intristic (Minecraft, FixFox) and less addictive as a way to relax (but not the only way to relax). That also adds up to ~10mins/day on average, and I'm very happy with that balance. Managing my time well with games is very empowering, but managing it poorly is devastating- I will make sure to be aware of this duality. Recap of the week: Better there! Very glad that my job has ended lol, I'm back to the boring Office stuff at my Uni that I love so much 🙂 Designing a website, scheduling a Summer Camp in its entirety, and organizing so many small things... super exciting! My personal goals haven't been as great though- slowed down greatly on Instagram posts, doing much less visual-focused studies overall... I need a prolific art community to join! And, my online course ended today, which means it's time to look for another one! Exciting but also a bit nervous times of looking for new opportunities... How am I feeling right now Alright. First time having issues with pornography in quite a long time; I'm moving past those issues quicker, but they still sting. And, I'm lagging behind on some of my habits- my goals whiteboard has not been touched in a few days... I'm always in a rush to get the most basic daily practice done, but work and other responsibilities keep turning it from a peaceful period to an (exciting but tiring) rush. Effectiveness "Perfection is the slowest way to perfection" Definitely better at pacing myself throughout the day as I'm focusing more on enjoying the task (as that = doing my best). Nearly all of my stress comes from deeply internalized, nearly subcounscious, very quiet negative self-talk or short-circuiting mindsets. The more I continue to learn about my own psychology, the better I get at noticing these issues, the more capable I am of tackling them. I guess what's bothering me most right now is that I do not have clear goals set. I hope to get to that soon. Relationships We're doing better 🙂 Scheduled a couple therapy session for three weeks from now (much privilege, very fortunate to have that at my school), and have been much more caring and careful towards each other. Other than that, got the most warming, kindest letter from a friend; it made my day, I'm so fortunate to have someone like them in my life. One thing though, is I'm still quite socially anxious in so many situations. It seems that my level of comfort and confidence decreases super quickly without practice; every fall I pick up things from 0. I understand why things are this way, but hope to learn to not be caught so off-guard and experience so much stress with this. Moving Forward Weather got better lol. Still there haha, I much prefer to sleep in because I wake up tired. But it's one of the costs of living with my partner that I'm fine with, I guess? I'm not too tired, just not as energetic throughout the day. Other than that, I hope to not be taken off-guard by things that are not in my daily routine, be more engaged and kind towards people I see on a daily basis, and read more. Thank you so much for being here ❤️ Po

I think you're already doing this, so feel free to skip through this ramble 🙂 Whenever I also feel suprised by a negatively-feeling action that I took, I try to look more deeply into my past experiences that could have led me to this moment. This way, that negatively-experienced action suddenly feels a lot more authentic to me, and that alleviates a lot of guilt and detachment. Aaccepting how much all of my issues and complexities really belong to me because of my past changes the process from erasure to replacement of whatever those issues are, and in a much more positive way, imo. So hard to break through! Something that has helped me, bit by bit, was simply re-arranging the furniture in my room whenever I would relapse. Even a minor rearrangement of what chair I sit on or where my PC is positioned on my desk help chip away at that habit. For me, moving my PC to a more public place (as I feel a lot of guilt playing video games in public lol) helped tremendously; I always keep it by the window (so that people passing outside help me avoid cravings) or in the guest room (when at home).

Hey! All of these sound like great ideas, but I was wondering if you've read "Atomic Habits"? It has helped me with understanding how to establish habits in an easier an more efficient way. Something that has helped me was to steer away the focus from, erm, focusing for a bit. Instead, I geared my goals towards being in the moment and enjoying the process as much as possible with things like keeping a good posture, monitoring my stress levels actively, and taking breaks whenever I feel like in a fashion that actually lets me relax and reduce stress. There is a saying, "perfection is the slowest way to perfection", and I think it goes similar for focus: it's very difficult to just make the goal to focus hard, but by making the task at hand more rewarding, stress-free, and comfortable, focus will come by naturally. At least, that's been the way for me- I no longer ever focus on focusing itself, but on how much I am enjoying what I'm doing and how stressed I feel. Hope this helps, keep up striving for a better tomorrow (but also, today is already good enough- I hope you're/will be able to feel that way)🙂 Po

Update: ended up blocking the site. My mind just tends to work in a deceptive way that makes regulation difficult. Even with moderation, I still feel guilty from having urges control my behavior. Sports are very similar in what they teach me, but the delivery method is far less addictive, more immersive, and with more relevant rewards. I do think that playing FPS can train some specific skills, but it's too addictive for me.

Update time! As always, I hope that you can find something inspiring/useful somewhere in here 🙂 Gaming Quite a few changes have happened since I've started my job at a gaming-related place. Given that we literally play games every day as a part of the job, I've been picking up some games here and there to play... Haven't had the time to play most, except for the most addictive one- a quick, semi-competitive FPS. It's been a nice way to train some of the skills I've been lacking on due to little sports activity, but it is certainly eating up more of my time than I'd like it to. Fortunately, I'm much better equipped to deal with these issues now, having more concrete goals, ambitions, and habits. I hope to play only as little as I want instead of having to block the game like all other. Recap of the week: Well, the new job turned out to be interesting... Took a long time to adjust and define my position (as it was more or less open-ended in terms of responsibilities), but now I am doing my absolute best, and colleagues notice that 🙂 Things with my partner haven't been very smooth, but that is much more due to my own issues, though we both have things to work on. Overall, I've lost balance during most of last week, but have since regained it and am feeling great again. How am I feeling right now Quite complicated. Morning felt a bit too "slow" for me, and I've been having the internal fight between simply being in the moment and not letting stress accumulate within vs. pre-occupation with my performance. I know which will prevail, but I want to take more intentional steps towards getting out of discomfort zones quickly. Effectiveness I think I'm better on this end- I don't let stress accumulate to a point of exhaustion and try to deal with it in ways prevetative. But, there is still so much to improve on when it comes to stress management! I want to feel better during work sessions, and take shorter, more efficient breaks whenever needed, instead of using them as a "last resort"... This has been certainly my thought for the last few weeks at this point. I'm improving for sure, but there is so much to unpack. Relationships Since my partner has gotten back, I've not been seeing anyone else really. Yesterday I hang out with one friend, and Sunday I will be seeing another. I think that since my partner is back, there might be some slight shifts in how I perceive those relationships. That's not a bad thing, and I hope that I will not have much trouble re-adjusting my boundaries. I have been arguing with my partner though, which also on its own isn't bad. The issue is in the aftermath- the arguments are always very emotionally draining for my partner, but quite consequence-free for me. We've decided to put some of those difficult conversations on pause until we can manage them better. Not too happy about that, but I don't want to hurt them. Moving Forward I hope for the weather to get colder. Mmm, didn't really happen, but I am now better at maintaining a strong drive for my passions overall. I have lost that excitement of waking up, as not sleeping alone just makes me want to stay in bed all day lol. I do hope to live even more through my passions, and not have any hobbies/distractions could my head. That's all, thank you for reading! Po

Thank you! Self-reflection is perhaps the most significant tool out of all that led me to where I am today. Sharing on GQ is a way for me to give back to this community- it elevated me so much. I'll try to keep it up 🙂

A small thing, but I always keep reminding myself when this thought comes up: there will be more, and there will be better. No missed opportunity prevents me from stumbling across a (better) opportunity later down the line. And, no opportunity is truly "missed"- I simply ended up spending my time in a different way. I know it's a difficult (and highly privileged) mindset to internalize, but I attempt to look at all of the experiences in my life with a spark of gratitude/affirmation for simply having lived through something that brought me to where I am today.