Pochatok

A long overdue entry. If you are reading this now- thank you for you time 🙂 I hope you find something to take away from my journey. -- Gaming Will get to this tonight- I think that playing 10-20 minutes before my day is over feels good. Since the break has started (I am all done with school yay), I've been certainly more tempted to play lots. Uninstalled all the games, and have made a commitment to not install anything "fun"; instead, I will do more experimental, challenging, non-relaxing, or simply puzzling games. They don't give the same chemical boost, and I don't feel addicted. Recap of the weekS Had a few more hangouts the following week that have been especially wonderful. I am so happy to be experiencing closer friendships. The academic term ended on a pretty good note. I do think that my motivation for doing well in classes has decreased, but I take that as a good sign- grades don't matter for my future much. What is an issue that I hope to address in the coming weeks, though, is that my motivation for long-term, important projects has not increased. This week is the beginning of Winter Break. I am feeling pretty good so far, I did not experience any burnout/exhaustion that came in years prior. There was a seamless transition from academics to personal work; I feel as motivated to get out of bed, get stuff done, and dream big. What definitely helped this happen was lots of self-reflection ahead of time, where I outlined my goals for the break, the things I want and need to do, and much else. Since I know what and when I want to get done, I don't feel unmotivated. Also, keeping the same work schedule helps so much- I wake up, go to bed, eat, and take breaks at the same time as before the break. Effectiveness/Efficiency Do have a plan, but am not actively working towards executing it. It is definitely avoidance mindsets- I don't have that much time to work on larger tasks, but I am not dedicating any at the moment. Oops, forgot about this! I don't think I need it much though, the value of a consistent sleep schedule is so obvious to me now (I've done more research) that I have a very strong inclination to wake up early. Better on this, but a bit irregular. I don't quite keep this in my mind as a goal, rather just tend to do it because what I'm after requires planning. Otherwise, I am feeling more or less at the top of my game. There is obvious challenges to being at 100% all the time- a new environment, less sunlight, more solitude, less scheduled events. To keep myself accountable and motivated requires a lot of goal work. I am continuing to do more of it every day. Also, I need to read more if I want to keep up. Books give me so much motivation. Relationships Romantically, I am continuing to sway back and forth between hopeful and pessimistic. My partner is doing the bare minimum, but with a lot of hesitation. Pushing the work and conversations forward is pretty draining and unrewarding for me, as I take lack of engagement from my partner as a sign that they won't do the work when life gets more stressful (and it always does!). But at the same time, I know that they do care, very deeply, about this relationship and believe in wonders. Some of the issues do stem from how I am approaching this whole thing, too, but I feel like the way I feel is very fair and reasonable. I will do my best not to act on it thought. Other things are going well. I am chatting with a lot more people online, and have scheduled a hangout already. Once my december course starts, I will be surrounded by friends 24/7. A bit nervous, but this is hands down the best opportunity to improve my social skills. And I will 🙂 Moving Forward In some ways- I am doing more than I was a couple days ago, being much more present socially, picking up new projects... But the largest, most ambitious things are still too scary-looking. Will get to them in the coming days no matter what!

Yes! Or, I want to think that way. He spend the first two decades of his life in rural Austria, where nothing happened and he couldn't meet his ambitions. That's why he left to US. And for some time while he was in US, his life was not super fascinating either. But, he managed to develop a work ethic great enough to win the Bodybuilding Championship on the 1st try... I hope to get there!

I thought a lot about this, and simply hope that my higher-than-average productivity and efficiency will help me get to those goals faster than that 🙂 I am trying to tackle things one by one at the moment though! There are lots of interviews about his early days, where he was pretty clueless about what he was doing and how; he got much better at getting the outcome he wanted with less work/time over the years. I don't think there is anything extraordinary about him as a person, but about his work ethic. I'm not sure if I will, but I certainly am able to get to approximately the same level of work ethic as him!

I'm so sorry work is such a dissapointment and stressor to you, and that depression is making it worse You certainly deserve to have a better life. I'm very glad that you were able to share all of these personal things here, and am happy to know that you're attempting to push through the hard times. I hope that you'll find a way to put out the dumpster fire that is working in this industry. I also hope that you aren't being too hard on yourself for all the behaviours/patterns you're going through, since they are caused by things that are very difficult to control.

That's very unfair for you to say to yourself! No one is born to suffer, we all get to choose what our life aspires towards. It does not have to be suffering. You're not garbage 🙂 I haven't read it myself yet, but heard good things about the "Personality isn't permanent" when it comes to making the process of altering your self-definition a bit easier.

I recommend reading more about this! For me, understanding how my introvertedness works (by reading "quiet the power of introverts") helped me a lot in figuring out what kind of social interactions feel fullfulling and purposeful. Also yes, the need for entertainment is certainly something to work with during the 1st few days/weeks of detox. Nothing really brings the same levels/types of excitement simply because the brain is so addicted. It will get better! After I went through a full 90-day detox, reading became more fun than video games 🙂

Is there a need that's not being met at the moment that is increasing the cravings? Sometimes I struggle to identify it, but every time I have had increased cravings, it would be coming from an area of my life not getting enough time and attention...

Are you able to adjust your environment at all? Even something like moving around furniture/lights/decorations can trick your brain to treating as a "new" environment, and in that window it's possible to create new associations and habits with the place. Good luck! I agree, social activity is amazing- every time I come here, I pick 1-2 random journals to comment on, it feels wonderful!

Have you read "Atomic Habits"? It helps solving this issue of not having motivation at certain times through creation of "habit chains"... For me, the morning starts with watering all of my plants, then immediately going for a 5-min walk, then journaling while the water for my tea is boiling. Afterwards, I allow myself to be grumpy/tired/frustrated at the morning, but the first 20 minutes of my day are "automated".

Arrived to this point recently too, it's so helpful! I think I read it in the "The Obstacle Is the Way" book... Do you think of it as, I'm not doing/being my best just for myself, but for all the people and communities around me? For me, reminding that me living my best life (which means me doing a lot of great but hard things and being happy) is as much an act of service to myself as it is to others helps so much with drive 🙂

What does it mean that you've "lost yourself"- is that you were not yourself for some time, or..? I adopted the radical acceptance mindset (to some things, not all), and it helps me make it through the day without negative self-talk and shame/guilt overpowering my ability to function. Even when I am at my worst, I believe, I am still attempting to do my best under the circumstances. I'm never lazy or wasteful; doesn't mean I don't feel regret, but does mean that I approach all decisions I make (and their consequences) with more empathy and compassion. I'm very glad to see you be back on this journey! It is a difficult one, and I hope you will get as much support and resources as needed. Not sure if you're looking for books, but something that has been helping me with motivation greatly is "The Obstacle Is the Way". Not a great book, but certainly gets me excited.

Thank you for reading my journal entry, I appreciate you being here so much! --- Gaming Nothing different! Haven't played at all this week due to how busy I've been, but hope to get play games with my favourite soundtracks a bit in the coming days. Recap of the week Hehe, had 4 hangouts this week and am feeling much better. There is so much I'm learning about being close friends with others, and while I have to work against some self-shaming whenever I make mistakes, it feels quite rewarding. Effectiveness/Efficiency Still haven't worked as much as I'd like, though I've made a lot, a lot of progress horizontally. I will set this down as my goal for next week. Other than that, I've managed to mess up my sleep schedule the last two days, and it has such a tremendous effect. Simply going to bed 1hr later and/or sleeping for <1hr makes me so exhausted. Feeling sore, out of focus, sluggish. I'm not upset at myself as I both times I stayed up for reasons that felt valid in the moment, but I will keep a "sleep streak" from now on to encourage myself to stick to the schedule. Another area is lacking goals for some of my creative work. At times I can just jump into the midst of it and do great, but often that gets me into very frustrating situations. I will make it a goal to create detailed plans for every worksession. Did not happen due to sleep issues. I will make a goal of reading for 1hr before bedtime. This will be a tough one... Relationships Beginning to feel this, not just believe. My partner does care a lot, even if it doesn't seem so at times. I very much appreciate their efforts, and it brings me hope. Slowed down a bit. I will make this a daily activity (at 9:30PM) from now on. Other than that, I'm so happy to be a bit more social again. Hanging out with people, for some reason, decreases my drive for productivity; not sure how to deal with that, and whether it really bothers me. Next term, I want to try to have a more consistent social life w/out losing my workaholic-ness. Moving Forward ✅ Next week, I want to go beyond the everyday routines, and work on those big, ambitious dreams. I'm doing great work, but if I want to be recognized for it, I need to get louder.

Thank you! I'm glad you've found something helpful in my journal ❤️

Yes! Took me so long to realize this simple concept. So helpful. I like that! When I think of moving to another country, I usually only have the reasons to leave, not to pursue. Thank you for sharing this 🙂

Kind of! Most projects I get to work on end up being outstanding, but I tend to be working on too many projects at the same time, and struggle to have just one main priority in life. Lately though, I've been embracing that more. I am an artist, and if all of my passions improve my craft in direct ways, then it's a win. I've started to look at my passions as enchancing one another, with one being the core, and others at its periphery. Career wise, I plan to shift between passions as well: as soon as I can sustain myself financially with one thing, I will start shifting to another passion until it becomes sustainable too. For example, I've used my research and academic projects to create narratives in my visual arts, and then enchance the visuals with sound design and/or music (which is my core passion). I think that it is okay to have a lot of goals, it's more about laying them in a sequence and letting some catch dust while polishing others. I do need to work on that, stilll. What do you think?

My deepest gratitude to all who take the time to read my journal entries, your presence makes me smile 🙂 -- Gaming Shifted the mindset, yay! Either play games as a way to challenge myself cognitively, or to examine what emotional impact sound can have in a game. It is very inspiring to feel intense emotions from music while playing. I've come to accept that having fun is inherent to most video games, but that does not mean I cannot approach them critically. Recap of the week Both grew over the week. My social anxieties got worse (so I've scheduled hangouts with people, yay), but I'm also very solid on my routines. Had an awesome performance yesterday, a few things "could have gone better" but I am very proud of how much leadership and passion I was able to project. Besides that, this week has been very demanding in a variety of ways, underwhelming and stressful for more prolonged periods of time, but also stabilizing. I feel more in control of my life and future. Effectiveness/Efficiency Need to work more on this! I am starting to branch out, but so far much more horizontally. Look up, look up! Improving slowly. The best way to improve is to learn and then practice. So far, there is not much learning, and so little to practice. I will try to read for longer at the end and beginning of each day! Relationships Nope, they help me visualize problems and paths to solutions, but doing the work is up to me and my partner. So far, they've been hesitant to work on some of the issues, but they're acknowledging that and I am continuing to be hopeful, kind, and encouraging. This has been extremely stressful for me, but I am patient and trust my partner to move forward with me. Things can work out long-term, and I really, really want them to. Haven't done this, but have been texting people more regularly with "gratitute messages". I simply thank them for commiting time to build a relationship with me, and that feels great. I hope to get into habit of acting, not just being more kind in the coming months. Moving Forward Solving that by stretching every time I catch myself having an urge to itch or itching my face. Quite rewarding. I hope to feel more secure about my romantic relationship in the coming way, have my other social needs met, and start moving upwards career-wise. -- Thank you so much for reading my journal! Have a great rest of your day, fellow quitter ❤️ Po

Thank you! I've passed those 90 days nearly a year ago and since have decided to work in video game composition, so playing video games is a part of my career. I don't view it as a relapse anymore, though, since I am no longer experiencing addictive patterns. I have a (what I consider to be) healthy relationship with gaming and am fully in control of how much time and when I allocate to video games. Hope that you'll stay strong on your own path, and thank you for checking out my journal, I appreciate your time and opinion so much ❤️

Second this so much! Completing a full detox once, or even a considerable part of it, helps so much. Pat yourself on the back for every day you pass through 🙂 Happy you're already 28 days in, and acclimating to being in a new country so well @Niko_Buccellati.

I'm so sorry you're having to deal with so much pain right now, I cannot imagine how it feels but I understand how it makes your life much more difficult. I hope that surgery will bring desired results quickly. Thinking of you! Po

Hey! Have you tried doing dreaming (as in, imagining a future you really want) and goal setting on a daily basis? Helped me tremendously with figuring out what I want that "something" to be, and how to desire it more than playing video games.

Thank to all who read my writing, I hope you have a brighter day 🙂 -- Gaming Still treat games as a "rest" activity, though at this point they are pretty draining. It's still a fun and exciting activity, but more similar to music or sports rather than watching a movie. Having a truly good time requires some effort, and sometimes that causes frustration. I'm very happy with how I'm feeling about games overall now though- they're not any more rewarding than reading or simply laying down. Something I've been aspiring to for a long time. Recap of the week Getting there! It's all about doing things first, and then having the drive arrive. So, I've been doing a lot! Daily workouts, daily walks outside, daily podcasts, and so much more. But at the same time, laying out my future has been just as important and valuable- it's much easier to wake up feeling excited when I have things to look forward to. Otherwise, it's been a pretty tiring week. I am noticing more how I am academically and motivationally different from nearly all students. Some are chasing "A"s, others have strong passions, but few are pursuing things as vigorously as I am. This weekend hosted a record amount of parties, and I did not attend any. Just felt like doing work in my room instead, not watching a movie or relaxing in other way. I am a bit worried that this will bring social anxiety, but I am happy to be aligning my everyday routines with the people whose passion and efforts I admire. Ye. I'm too obsessed with preventing every little error, and doing everything in the best way possible. But future doesn't work like that. So, I've been focusing more on being in the present, taking time for myself now, rather than planning out things too far out. I want consistency, and so far this has been working better for me. Effectiveness/Efficiency The more I am doing what I love, the more ambitious I get. It's a simple progression, it seems- improve my craft, share it, and get more and more opportunities. Ambition comes from opportunities that are brought to me, then... Though, I do want to make opportunities for myself, too. If I'm building a pyramid, the quality of the stone won't matter (i.e. my obsession with doing everything the best I can) if I am not stacking them properly. Still a problem. I am literally late to something as I am writing this lol. *goes away for an hour* But, I am definitely more self-conscious of the fact that this is an issue, and that already has made it a bit better. Outside of that, I am attempting to get back to being much more focused in the present, but with a fresh new mindset. Before, I would try to achieve that through fairly restless work schedules, but now I simply want to be in the moment and have the ability to deal with things as they come and go. Relationships Couple counselling session do wonders! The issue is still looming, but now both me and my partner acknowledge its importance and will be working towards addressing it. I am contuinuing to be getting more and more excited for this relationship's future as we go on. I have no idea if things will actually work out, but now I actually believe that we're doing something to up those odds. Nah, my family is doing pretty well! They are working a lot, but there is a lot of breaks and downtime that I wasn't seeing before. I am definitely anxious about my family more than optimistic, and tend to look at the difficulties, not the joys they are experiencing. I am not seeing as many friends as I'd like, and that's been bugging me a bit. I think that for now, I'll take out video games of my daily activities, reserve them to 20 minutes over the weekend again. If I need to study from them, I'll do that via Youtube. Every time I'll have an urge to play, I'll text someone I appreciate instead 🙂 Moving Forward It made a difference! I feel much more confident in my choice to pursue composition. In the long run, I still want to explore other mediums, but for starting a career, this is the point I will journey onwards from. I hope to be able to resist my urges and bad habits better in the coming week- my tendency to scatch acne and face in general has been resurfacing, and I've been not following some of my routines due to impulsive behaviours. -- Thank you so much for reading, and have a great rest of your day 🙂 I appreciate you so much, Po

Haha yes, that is valid. Still a win though, I'm glad you'r able to have the desired outcome even if the process went not as expected.

I really love how you're describing being exhausted/tired- without any stigma or negativity, just as a matter of a fact. I tend to self-shame for resting too much, so reading this helps a lot! Thank you 🙂

Time for another recap! Today has been one of the slowest Saturdays in a long time, I think the colder weather and lack of sunlight are starting to take their toll... -- Gaming Haven't been playing since. I think that will change now that I'm oficially committed to becoming a video game composer (hehe), but I still will cap this, along with any other entertainment. I still don't plan on ever playing online multiplayer, ever. It's designed to be addictive, and often toxic + stressful. I like to see games as an art form, and MMOs ain't it. Recap of the week Dropped animation. It is something I will most certainly come back to, but I do need a more secure and reliable way to make a living first. By the time I am 30, I hope to be doing animation, but until then, I will shift my energy elsewhere. Still here; overall, I am not wasting time per se, but I wish I had more drive. Yes, motivation comes from doing things, not vice versa, but I wish that I would have more desire to do things than to rest. Hmmm, this thought illuminates a harmful mindset. I am assuming that I am not doing my best, which is true, but I still believe to be my best self. The circumstances have changed (the weather is really tiring, and I have not gotten good sleep in last two days), but I am still putting in a lot of effort and passion. Some of it comes down to not following routines, which I can do better on by creating a better environment... Overall, I think it has been a very good week, though a tiring one. I'm doing great in classes, and am restarting once again on my career journey. It seems that my desire for a future where I am perfectly happy with what I am doing is causing me to be inconsistent; I'll expand on this thought next week. Effectiveness/Efficiency This is still a mystery to me- I have figured out how to make motivation work in my favour, but ambition is difficult to conceptualize. I want to pin it down, as it does impact motivation. Other than that, I've been more acutely aware of my tendency to be late due to drowning in the process of whatever the task is. Not happy with this, and will work toward kicking this habit out of my life. Relationships This was great, yes ❤️ But, now we're stubmling onto a core difference that has been looming for a very long time, and it's not something that can be resolved with a few good conversations. I'm certainly overthinking the impact it has on the relationship (it doesn't, lol), but it might become a dealbreaker in the future, and that's what has been making me nervous. At this point, though, I've come to accept that. I am extremely grateful for everything my partner has brought to my life, and I won't treat this relationship like it's falling apart unless we're truly hitting rock bottom, which is not the case now nor does it have to be in the future. At this point in our lives, we very much get to shape our future, and I wan't to be hopeful, not nihilistic. Family is doing okay. I am grateful for how hardworking and loving they are, though I also think that they're going to crash and burn sometime within the next year, and am nervous that I won't be able to support them through those times. They've been working too hard, too much, and they're also not getting younger lol. But again, I choose to be hopeful. Moving Forward Still so true! Every day, I am doubting whether I am doing the right thing, because 1) I am not great at it yet and 2) the positive impact on others is literally not there, and I can never truly measure it the same way. But, I persist to work on my passions every day; my work will be purposeful and valuable, and I know that it has the capacity to change the world. And I will get there, step by step, day by day. I also hope to not let my anxieties wallow me over as much- social anxieties have been kicking up, and it takes a lot of effort to put that fire out -_- -- Hope you've found something insightful, helpful, or smile-worthy in this journal entry ❤️ Have a great day! Po

Ehhh, it's far more complicated than that! I think that willpower in general is very, very hard to acquire. Atomic Habits makes a good point in that people who appear to be very strong willed have simply worked towards making difficult things easier through a variety of methods. I have given up on yearning for "willpower" to do difficult things, and instead prioritize breaking everything down to the smallest bits. I was able to quit gaming by months and months of very tiny, incremental mindset alterations. Tbh, I have simply replaced gaming with other hobbies like reading or building legos. Working towards making them feel as rewarding and exciting took me a long time (and I still struggle with that), but to me that's the only thing that has been truly helpful. If you are planning on doing a detox, I would recommend trying this approach too? You mention, no other activity feels as good; perhaps, you haven't been doing them for long enough? Po ❤️