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Everything posted by fawn_xoxo

  1. No problem, you can also do @ and start writing a name, the site will give you a suggestion and you can select a user to tag directly. It really helped me, opened my eyes to issues and distorted beliefs for myself. It might be a start for more introspection for you too!
  2. Depends, do you struggle with it? It helped me, and still I'm nowhere near where I wanna be. But it's a great start and it's always useful to go back to it in times of need and rebalancing yourself.
  3. I mean, the rest of your post was you giving us advice! ? Welcome to the forums.
  4. Trigger warning: Not for the sensitive. You're angry at other people the majority of the time, and you spend significant mental resources caring about other people's opinions, decisions and lives. You allow yourself to be affected by other people way too much. Wake up. Look at yourself. Take care of yourself. When someone who isn't you makes a mistake and you catch yourself judging them, then stop thinking about it and do something else. Why? You're putting your mood at other people's hands, it is your choice to do this and you've been doing this repeatedly. Did you ever get to reading the self esteem book? Nobody's coming to the rescue, BooksandTrees. You're the only one responsible for how deeply you're allowing everyone around you to affect you, get the Mind over mood book and work on your belief system. Your journal entries read misanthropic, because you project all the ways in which you're upset with yourself on other people. You're not ready to date. You need to find the path of self acceptance and self care first, or you're going to get into some sort of abusive relationship. If you tell yourself you're confident and such, you're lying to yourself, cause you're putting yourself last from what you write here. This should be your priority, getting yourself better. Close your eyes when it comes to anyone else. Work only on you, care only about you, this is your only duty right now. You don't need to give your time to your mom or your colleagues or anyone else, if you don't want to. You're responsible for repeatedly giving your time away. So if by reading this I've made you angry, go away and be angry for a while. But once you're chill again, ask yourself how your recent weeks' choices have helped you in any way. If not, then stop repeating mistakes. Bounce, don't break when an error takes you down. The resources have always been available to you, use them to make you better and forget everyone else. If you're focusing on anything else after all, you're just like every other person you see stuck in their ways and hate on. Makes sense huh? Live YOUR life. It's the only task you've been given.
  5. Day 109. Gaming was a crutch, I'm pretty sure by now. It kept me from dealing with things, and I'm now facing these things, fears and situations I might have not been able to deal with when I was younger. I am rediscovering myself, diving into waters that sometimes feel deep. But it's for the best, I know. Some days I'm afraid, others I'm on top of the world. Every day makes me stronger though, cause I'm sticking with the fight and not fleeing any longer. This is bravery, being afraid yet moving on. Every one of us here is brave for doing this. My life is slowly changing, drastically, and it's scary. But there's no stopping this. I'm not going back to gaming.
  6. This approach works much better indeed, the habits we need to establish day to day and not the big fat goal that will only come some months or years from now. Neither am I as active in writing here but I read still. It's good to see you check in though!
  7. Maybe in three years or five you'll be ready, but no one has ever been ready after a few months, set aside three weeks. Play it safe, is my suggestion.
  8. It does in more than one ways, but if you want, check out articles and free available online worksheets online before that if you want.
  9. Good job getting back up and trying again! Don't give up, it gets better with every new lesson from slip ups.
  10. You are not alone in this struggle. I have put up walls and pretended I was tough and without emotions to avoid getting hurt in the past. I am still working on this, I'm in a better place than two years ago but not as self confident as I'd like to be. I struggle with needing people's approval to accept my own actions and this needs to be fixed, else I am forever dependent on my loved ones in an unhealthy way. The other day I was reading about how this might have to do with childhood, maybe look into the three attachments styles, secure, anxious and avoidant, it might help.
  11. Day 106. Nowadays I have to check to find out how many days I've been clean. 106 it is. I don't think I've gone this long ever before. It's good. I want to live a fulfilling life, not just exist. I am never going back. I look inwards a lot, every day, multiple times a day. Some people say it's good, some people say the opposite. I am confused on why I do it and whether it's offering me anything. When I started this, I tried my best to replace the free time with specific activities, and I don't regret it, it helped. Gradually my brain shifted and I decided to take up education again. I will not give up on that. After I started going to college and spending more time outdoors, I found myself having better moods, even if doing my duties towards college or work feel good and boring both, depending on the situation and time of the day. I feel a lot, I mentioned this previously, and I find myself concerned about it. Is there something wrong with me? Why do my emotions change through the day so easily? Then I say, well emotions come and go, that's just reactions to the events of your life. It's hard, recovery is a work in progress. I think I'm mentally stuck in wanting perfection from myself, maybe? I catch myself feeling unsatisfied with not feeling good about everything in my life all the time. I know it's an impossible standard, isn't it? And then I wonder how did the careless naive happy go lucky teenager me go? Why can't I just enjoy the plenty of things that are great in my life? I wonder, is this a result of gaming for so many years and considering myself problematic? How do I fix it? Will it just go away on its own maybe? Do I need to do something else to correct it? I read on the oriental way of resolving issues through time recently. So instead of trying to find the answers right here right now, I'll just let the thoughts linger in the fridge of my mind for a while, while I continue with the routines I've created so far. Weekdays are tiring these days, but I'm satisfied with this, more walking, more social life, more moments. I sleep so well lately, I do nothing on the computer at all for 3 hours before bedtime, except watch a soap opera sometimes when my day doesn't allow me to watch it when it is on TV. Maybe I should do the gratefulness thing? I don't know. But I've fought so well so far, I need not despair. I just needed to untangle my thoughts here. I wonder if staying in touch with the forums reminds me of my addict identity and indirectly reminding me I need to fix my life cause I'm a recovering addict. I am not sure if it's affecting me in a bad way, but if I disappear for a while this will be why, to try and see if forgetting about the addiction will benefit me.
  12. Being a gaming addict made me feel worthless. A negative style of thinking is often the result of having low self esteem, and you can change the low self esteem. How? Not by just telling nice things to yourself in the mirror, imho. You can start to evaluate each negative phrase you tell yourself, weigh whether it's true or false, and then if you truly have a flaw that you don't like, decide how you will change your behavior to become better. Take a look at the books in my signature, they really helped me with this. Don't expect a drastic change in 1 day though ; you've been saying nasty things to yourself for a long time, you need some time to show yourself these are lies or that you can be better than that. Remember no matter who you are today, that's the result of your past choices. Your present will define who you will be tomorrow.
  13. Do look up Cognitive distortions and read up on that, it sounds like you could benefit from it. It's something most of us develop in this society and we need to consciously go and fix it.
  14. I think a productive way to look at this is, ask yourself, if you could go back and react differently while still being honest with yourself but also respectful of others, how would you behave in the scenario? What would you say to express your desire, while not including an offensive vibe towards others?
  15. It is good to read you plan the change like this. It's hard, I know it, but we have to change things and try things to figure out who we are once this big gaming "trait" is removed from the equation of our personality balance. Some things will stick and others won't and that's alright, we lost some time and are experiencing "young adult experimentations" some years later, at least we are doing it now and not wasting more time online and off-life. When the day sucks, accept your emotions, stop fighting them. They come and go, like the waves of the ocean on the beach, and you don't control them. You control your beliefs, which filter your life and give you these emotions as a result; if you think your beliefs are wrong, work on that, if not just accept that your situation will suck for a while and do as well as you can with the free time you have now. Remember that you're waiting it out for a better life and it won't last forever. You are trying to make things better, don't forget this, or how long you've been without the crutch of gaming.
  16. If your job is as bad for your mental health as it seems in this journal, for one more time I'll say change it. You've been writing about how frustrated you are with it for a long time, and it is saddening me to see you linger in the situation. This is just my opinion but aren't we here to do things differently than we've been doing them so far while we gamed? Are you doing life differently now than before, or are you lingering, maybe uncertain to take any direction? I wish you to find some path, any path, and try it to see if it will give you different results. And then, another thing to consider is whether you're just dissatisfied with everything because you're used to it and, like Madame Bovary, are waiting for something else to come and make you happy, which will never happen cause happiness doesn't work like that. It's a way to look at the world, a mindset of seeing the good things we have in life and recognizing not everyone has them, all the while trying to be better still every day.
  17. Just wanted to check in and tell you good job man, it's not an easy process but you're staying with it and I think it's giving you results. Keep up the efforts!
  18. Or it's the perfect setting to revisit your goals and standards for yourself! It's a chance to replace the triggering setting by connecting it to something else.
  19. Honestly just amazing, and you made me wonder if I'm into stoicism too now. Good luck with the project aka life ! ?
  20. Never give up, get back up and try again. We're all on the same journey here, it's not easy but we only lose if we stay down after a fall.
  21. Hey hey, thought I might have something helpful to share. This type of repetitive thinking (I do the same in another, more stressful context) actually ends up to be a habit/dopamine addiction for our brains, which makes it very hard to stop once we're used to thinking like this. Funny timing, yesterday I decided to treat it like an addiction and quit it, which translates to forcing myself to think something else and move on with life the moment I catch myself ruminating. It's hard to do the change at first, but we deserve life, not wasting our time inside our brains with scenarios.
  22. Welcome back, be strong and vigilant and never give up!
  23. Great job on your progress! My personal 2 cents on playing in regulation: it's maybe too early? I'm 95 days clean but I know that for me it is too early, since I've barely started changing my life recently. Whatever you decide, play it safe!
  24. Welcome to the forums Leo. We're all addicts here and you'll see, if you read other journals, we all struggle and get better together. You're not alone, we all face similar problems. You did the right thing, prepare yourself for replacing all this new free time with activities and avoiding triggers!
  25. I would look at my everyday routine before the trip and try my best to imitate it, as a first. We can't really resist urges successfully, we usually have to replace our reactions to the cues with something else I feel. I would try to ignore how I feel about doing those things, because this addiction has taught me that feeling like doing things isn't necessarily a reliable thing. So I would try my best to blindly repeat my previous routines as a first.