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Everything posted by fawn_xoxo

  1. Day 280.   No games for 280 days, day 104 +previous total of 176. It's been a few weeks I've been thinking of updating you guys. Leaving this journal aside was a good choice and it has helped me. What has also done the most for me is to focus on doing things that are positive, because I feel like this journal has been one of many crutches I used to linger on the problem, and my problematic identity, and all around mourning and feeling sorry for myself. I am getting better at recognizing these tendencies in me with every passing week, and readjusting my course to actually aim for what I want from my life, and not what I don't want. I also wanted to say that this type of addiction and its consequences are real, and it takes a hell of a long time to recover fully. I'm doing so much better now, months later, and I still have way to go to feel like I know what I'm doing in my life. I am thankful for all the insights and support I received here. I wanted to say that I'm still away from games and I will continue to be game-free. I'm still not going to be active here, but I wanted to stop by momentarily. I wish everyone here the best in their lives. Know that if you ask, you will find. That's how it's been for me so far at least. A couple more books I've dug into lately are Awaken the Giant Within by Tony Robbins and Self Compassion by Kristin Neff, I recommend them highly. They need to be read and practiced on of course, like all other books I've suggested in the past.
  2. Day 243.   No games for 214 days, day 38 +previous total of 176. I am taking a little break from online journaling just like I did earlier in spring with my negativity detox. I'll try it again and won't be here cause it might just be a habit of mine to remind myself of how broken I am as a person, a trigger of sorts. Best of wishes to everyone who's following my journal, I'll be back. Thanks for everything so far. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Instead of seeing flaws in others, ask what you can improve in yourself first. - Humility If you have nothing good to say, say nothing. - Kindness, battling negativity Put yourself in other people's shoes for a few minutes each day. - Compassion Treat others how you want to be treated. - Kindness, fairness, compassion Start a conversation with someone you love to speak of something you like. - Positivity, healthy relationships You are responsible and nobody is coming to the rescue. - Maturity, self esteem Logic saves your sanity, so use it every day - me Caring about others, running the risk of feeling, and leaving an impact on people, brings happiness. - Harold Kushner Love isn't love until you give it away. - John H. MacDonald Jr. 1992 Negativity is cannibalistic. The more you feed it, the bigger and stronger it grows. Bobby Darnell There are some people who always seem angry and continuously look for conflict. Walk away; the battle they are fighting isn't with you, it is with themselves. Unknown Love yourself. Enough to take the actions required for your happiness. Enough to cut yourself loose from the drama-filled past. Enough to set a high standard for relationships. Enough to feed your mind and body in a healthy manner. Enough to forgive yourself. Enough to move on. Steve Maraboli Spend time understanding who you are, after all the only person you're ever going to truly live with is yourself.
  3. Thank you so much @Sarma for reading. How would you suggest I went on a trip? Alone? With family (even though those partially trigger negative events that make me thoughtful to say the least)? Why do you say I'm too strict on myself? I would also like to hear more about this opinion you gathered.
  4. fawn_xoxo


    Hey, good job on not gaming! What do your days look like now? Boredom with laziness might potentially push you closer to a relapse purely out of a lowered guard and habit. It's still early and there's usually some way to go still.
  5. Day 242.   No games for 213 days, day 37 +previous total of 176. I started the day with phobias, stress and anxiety. Then I used the Socratic method in private to figure out what I feel and fear and where the truth is. I needed this and I'm doing good now after that. It's sadly obvious to me that I have not been using logic much, that's why I suffer from negative emotions about myself. I find things to be dissatisfied with, in myself and others, but I don't test them against reality and logic. So this is something I need to do asap when I get a negative thought that wants to spiral out of control. I want to be humble and look at my own shortcomings first, too. It seems I've messed up a lot, more than I thought when I started the detox. I've done some dietary sins lately and got weak will when it came to eating with family. I ate what others ate most of the time and that included sweets and some FOMO about it. Today onwards I will avoid sodas again at home, when I go out I can't avoid sugar in products though. I'm going out with old friends this morning too. Socializing with people who are distant from me helps me see who I am when you leave me alone, away from influence of loved ones. I love deeply but in an unhealthy way and I want to fix that. I want to be a nice person to be around and be close to, not a needy, clingy one. Instead of seeing flaws in others, ask what you can improve in yourself first. - Humility If you have nothing good to say, say nothing. - Kindness, battling negativity Put yourself in other people's shoes for a few minutes each day. - Compassion Treat others how you want to be treated. - Kindness, fairness, compassion Start a conversation with someone you love to speak of something you like. - Positivity, healthy relationships You are responsible and nobody is coming to the rescue. - Maturity, self esteem Logic saves your sanity, so use it every day - me Caring about others, running the risk of feeling, and leaving an impact on people, brings happiness. - Harold Kushner Love isn't love until you give it away. - John H. MacDonald Jr. 1992 Negativity is cannibalistic. The more you feed it, the bigger and stronger it grows. Bobby Darnell There are some people who always seem angry and continuously look for conflict. Walk away; the battle they are fighting isn't with you, it is with themselves. Unknown Love yourself. Enough to take the actions required for your happiness. Enough to cut yourself loose from the drama-filled past. Enough to set a high standard for relationships. Enough to feed your mind and body in a healthy manner. Enough to forgive yourself. Enough to move on. Steve Maraboli Spend time understanding who you are, after all the only person you're ever going to truly live with is yourself.
  6. It's a precious answer exactly because you're offering your honest opinion and your experience with it. Thank you for sharing, this was enlightening, especially because most people in the real world seem to think PMO has no consequences and you shared what you see changing within you after abstaining from it. ?
  7. @BrassWolf Thank you so much for reading, for responding. Also thank you for the beliefs you have in fixing things and making them work. I am going to follow this with a long post about my conclusions after today, but I'll edit it after I brb rq. Just wanted to post something and start, not postpone it. After some good talks and a lot of tears I concluded to some not very good things about me. There are things that I take personally when there is no reason for me to. There are people I have too high demands from when I have not done the same for them. I have not shown empathy or regard for other people's feelings in the past, especially while I was addicted, and I still continue looking only at my perspective in things, at least at first. I tend to exaggerate when I am emotional. And I can get emotional very easily, because any little thing can distress me, since I have low self esteem. I am selfish and I expect people to just magically know what I want and do it, without me saying anything. I feel like the victim, but the truth is that I do not speak my mind, I do not act like an adult should, I do not say what I want. Sometimes I don't know what I want, because I'm used to being this passive member of society, thanks to my addiction. My way of relating to other people is wrong. I do not share my concerns with them when I feel them. I wait and wait, playing the waiting game, waiting and expecting them to say something, figure out that something is off, initiate the conversation, whereas it's me who's got the issue (reasonable or not). When I don't get that reaction I get upset, I feel ignored, I feel rejected. Without communication, I am setting up myself for that. It's not like I give them a chance in the first place either. I tend to not want to say how I feel when I feel bad. I don't want to be vulnerable and appear weak. Feelings = weak? I also wonder if my attachment style is stressful in some way, it's a term I found online, about attaching to people around you unhealthily, without balance. All these things need fixing. I firstly have to start practicing getting into other people's shoes and understanding what their life is like. I shouldn't demand they behave like I behave. I should also be careful with whether I burden them with something or not. People are not mules for me to unload my emotions onto in hopes I feel better. I have journal for that. I don't like seeming like this person who only opens their mouth to say something bad. If I love these people, why do I not open myself up and reach out to them when things are alright? Some people in my life have said to me that I could subconsciously be using negative things as a way to get their attention. As if I don't know how to stay connected when things are alright. I want to put a stop to all that. I feel like I have wasted so much time in front of a computer screen chasing after fake goals, sacrificing the most important years of my self growth and development as a person. My first instinct is to blame it on people around me, but in the end I realize that it starts with me. I feel bad for my heavy emotions. I don't want to let my mind sail away on negativity like that. I need to use logic and reason more, when something starts nagging at me, that I was somehow mistreated or rejected or neglected. I should also not let those thoughts and emotions linger. I should face them directly when they come, immediately, and if there is a person involved I should also admit the process to them. Say it out loud so that I acknowledge the steps I am taking to re-wire my perspective on things. I need to be an adult who says what they like and what they don't like, says when they're happy and when they're sad with something. It's a lot to fix and I am very selfish, in that I don't like the fact that I have all these social flaws to fix. I have been giving the right advice to people for a long time, but how is it that I never realized I was not putting it to use when it came to the people closest to me? It's easy to keep your boundaries and limits and respect all that when you're just dealing with strangers. It's another thing to do that with people you respect and admire and love. It's hard to adjust situations and change your expectations. I should focus on practicing some virtues that I don't possess right now. Being humble, being kind, being forgiving, being empathetic. Asking myself if what I have just started getting upset over is something that makes sense. I need to work on developing myself to the point that I feel self-confident and whole on my own. And I need to find ways to spend time with the people I love without saying something negative. Maybe I should also practice not saying anything if I don't have anything good to say. Writing this here is incredibly vulnerable and open, admitting all these flaws. But I want to get better, I don't want to hide these conclusions somewhere and forget about them. I don't want to hurt the people I love and I don't want to hurt myself either anymore. I want to get better with all the power of my being. I want to be free of pettiness, clinginess, neediness. I want to feel free to give love without feeling afraid I'll never get it back. I want to learn to love people the right way. I feel like having some important reminders in my posts from now on will help. So here goes. Instead of seeing flaws in others, ask what you can improve in yourself first. - Humility If you have nothing good to say, say nothing. - Kindness, battling negativity Put yourself in other people's shoes for a few minutes each day. - Compassion Treat others how you want to be treated. - Kindness, fairness, compassion Start a conversation with someone you love to speak of something you like. - Positivity, healthy relationships You are responsible and nobody is coming to the rescue. - Maturity, self esteem Caring about others, running the risk of feeling, and leaving an impact on people, brings happiness. - Harold Kushner Love isn't love until you give it away. - John H. MacDonald Jr. 1992 Negativity is cannibalistic. The more you feed it, the bigger and stronger it grows. Bobby Darnell There are some people who always seem angry and continuously look for conflict. Walk away; the battle they are fighting isn't with you, it is with themselves. Unknown Love yourself. Enough to take the actions required for your happiness. Enough to cut yourself loose from the drama-filled past. Enough to set a high standard for relationships. Enough to feed your mind and body in a healthy manner. Enough to forgive yourself. Enough to move on. Steve Maraboli Spend time understanding who you are, after all the only person you're ever going to truly live with is yourself.
  8. Day 241.   No games for 212 days, day 36 +previous total of 176. I am different. Family comes over and I change. I want to please everyone and I become a person without will, without spark. It's even obvious from my writing. I feel concerned. I don't want to lose anyone, but it feels like I need to put distance between them and me for me to be me. Their presence acts like a magnet, but I become dependent and really not me. And I notice it too, which I didn't when I gamed. I'm not happy to realize these personal issues of mine to the degree I do, but they are what they are. Sometimes I feel rejected by loved ones. Sometimes I don't know what to do around them. I don't feel comfortable or like myself. They've known me for a different person, an isolated one for sure, but now I am needing more things in my life and I feel hesitant to even show myself to them. The occasion itself stressed me out as I wrote on Sunday, and Monday has been a challenge as well. Now it's Tuesday and it feels like life was easier without them. But I don't want to just give up on this bond just because it's difficult to feel alright right now. I know that I am the one with the insecurities and nobody else can fix those in me. It feels like my progress halted just because of the arrival of family. This is not how things should be. I worry, can this even get better? If I do the things I would do without them present, will the relationship remain intact? I'm afraid of change. All these years I've known this situation to be one way and now I'm changing, so it makes sense that it will change as a result too. But I'm afraid of that. I'm afraid of conflict. I feel the need for their approval all the more now that we share the same rooms, and being me is harder when I know they're not like me, they'll disagree, even if that won't change the fact they love me. Or am I afraid that it will? I'm scared of losing people I love. At the same time it feels impossible to go back to being a suppressed me again. I'm not willing to stay a loner in my house to play games again. I now have something of a social circle that I'm building, goals and everything. I feel like when I write all these worries, that it's the only way for me to actually start getting closer to acceptance. Because I don't want to accept that changes will come from other people as I change. I'm afraid and that means I need to be brave in order to face these things. I feel concerned and defeated, just because I have a hard time coping with all this. As this is the last day I'll spend with family, I feel so discouraged by all my thoughts regarding the situation as I lie in bed. The day is ahead of me yet my emotional state makes it hard for me to think positively about how it will unfold. I am creating self fulfilled prophecies like this though. How can I say I am trying to make this work if I don't do my part and be brave? I feel so desperate for a solution to this but at the same time I know things don't magically become how you want them. I also feel that I'm not the only person who should be actively trying to fix this, but I am. But if I am alone in this battle against my insecurities, will I want people who didn't help me in my life when I'm in a better place? Maybe my gut feeling is telling me that. That one way or another I'll have to lose some people. And I don't want to accept that possible scenario, I don't even want to think about it. These people have been my support for years. I feel dependent on them, I haven't really grown into an adult it feels like, cause otherwise I'd be independent from them to some degree. And I have a difficult time accepting what that looks like in comparison to how my life has been so far. In moments like this, I lose hope. But should I be so hopeless? I'm unsure if it's emotion taking over me, all this free time because of the occasion that's giving me long hours to just think, or just my gut knowing that it will not go well in the end? Can this be? For years and through addiction my family didn't give up on me. I was a shell of a person and they still were there for me. Maybe in my overwhelming anxiety about the future I don't give them enough credit. I don't want to be unfair to anyone.
  9. Day 240.   No games for 211 days, day 35 +previous total of 176. I definitely feel dependent on people. The moment I am uncertain about what they feel around me, I start feeling very insecure about myself. Have I done something wrong? Have I upset them? Why are they behaving like this right now? I am writing it down as a reminder, a way to tell myself seriously that this is part of my problematic attachment issues with some loved ones. I might be fine, carefree, happy and content in the moment, then I see someone else change mood and I feel responsible for it. I notice that I tend to absorb some people's emotions sometimes. I also plainly put don't know how to react to some behaviors that don't have to do with me. I don't know how to respond, I can say. But I'm writing this down to remind myself that I am only responsible for my behavior, my actions and if I do something to someone to upset them, they will or should tell me so I can resolve it. My focus should always be on me, everyone else is responsible for their life. Slowly I am putting one brick over the previous one in this foundation of proper priorities in my life, putting my own well being first and then caring for others. I want to love me first.
  10. I absolutely understand what you're saying about starting a hobby with great interest but going about it too fast and then burning out as I call it. Smaller challenges and also recognizing progress in comparison to a few weeks ago is the way to go imho. I would love to be of help when it comes to conversations, though I don't have a book to suggest as of yet. I admit I haven't understood what you would like to get better at exactly, but if you could explain with some examples I might be able to offer some suggestions!
  11. I think it's absolutely fine to detox from social life for a while if you feel this way. I have found that boundaries and balance take a while to be achieved but they can be achieved through practice. The book about self esteem in my signature has a lot of good things about caring for ourselves while respecting others, which helped me a lot and still does. We do need to practice these things in order to get the results we want though, so when you feel a little more ready, I suggest you use that book as a guide of balance between being good to you and to others both and trying to socialize with that in mind. Well done so far man!
  12. First of all well done! And good job on taking up a second challenge for self growth. Secondly I wanted to share with you that I believe we all go through this phase of realizing that we have all these emotions. And it wrecks us, going from numb to.. well, human, tbh. It has this effect on us all. You're not alone. My experience has been that it gets better the more you come in contact with the emotions, try out ways of handling them, and just .. basically "raise the skill" by practicing with them more and more through time.
  13. Just wanted to say well done man! It's inspiring to see how you've been consistent. We can't be perfect, nobody is, but imho your mindset about moving on from some imperfect choices is what brings a person closer to their goals. NoFap 22 days! Would you care to share your experience with libido, triggers and how you've managed so far, compared to how you viewed it and dealt with it before? If it's too personal that's no problem!
  14. Day 239.   No games for 210 days, day 34 +previous total of 176. It's late after Saturday night. It's been a day full of socialization, and I'm really happy about that. I find limits in myself, I find my boundaries. I've been going out with mostly childhood friends, and it's been good. I've been feeling more and more like that old self who is the life of the group and includes everyone and makes everyone feel comfortable hopefully. I've been having to deal with phobias and negative self talk because I am giving up my isolation and the change brings fear to me that I might mess up. I have been journaling about those privately and it's been effective in putting things into perspective. The most important thing for me right now is to not ignore my fears, my feelings, but also not allow them to be the driver in my life's car. I think I wanna expand on this. I used to deny being emotional. I protested my emotional state, was upset over being upset or sad. I used to deny myself so. Little by little, week after week, I've been observing myself and trying to accept myself instead. Understand myself and admit what my flaws are. I'm dramatic in example. It's better to accept and admit that I am, and that sometimes I exaggerate in how big my reaction is to a negative event. It's easier to move on from it if I accept it as a part of me, instead of obsessing over it because of not wanting it to exist in me. Everything we fight, we empower. Another big lesson for myself is that I shouldn't neglect me. It's not that I give up on my thorough self evaluation when I have good days and only stay with the process when I'm feeling blue. I used to feel like there's constantly something wrong with me that I tend to ignore but only do emergency self care. Right now I think that I simply don't need to evaluate myself every day and so doing it on paper when I really need to untangle my thoughts is fine. I owe it to myself to do that when the occurrence calls for it. Sometimes my thoughts race and it's impossible to tame then so that I can organize them. And writing them helps to do that, it's a tool to relieve me of such a burden. And as a tool, I now use it with much less guilt and shame, because hopefully I respect my needs a little more than I used to. Sometimes I fear for the future, or that I might turn out to be a worthless person that is wasting people's time. Sometimes I fixate on negative what if scenarios about myself that stress me. Right now I'm anxious, worrying about what my emotional state will be when a loved one comes over. I know that I've not been the person I needed to be in the past and part of that was me clinging on personality archetypes that I saw around me. I tried imitating people I loved, searching for approval like that. It gave me approval at the time, but it also gave me fear that as I now change back to who I was, or who I really am at this time in my life, that I will lose their approval. And it's really scary for me to imagine that, writing it down makes me face the really bad feelings that that loss would cause me to experience. I don't want to lose their approval though. And that's the root of my insecurities about myself, the fears and negative self talk. All of that is a wrong way with which my brain is trying to prevent that possibly traumatic experience. It thinks.. Maybe if I bring up all the things Fawn could do wrong, they can avoid all that and keep the approval intact. But that makes me a person who feels afraid at those times, and timid, and uncertain. Right now I feel those things. Worrying that I will be worried and not fun to be around. That in one or the other way, I will disappoint. This is a twisted thinking process that I got because of my experience with games, how they made me a person detached and distant, someone loved ones didn't recognize. And my brain thinks that by going through the scenario of being "not fun at parties", it can prevent it. I say this because I read somewhere that anxiety is the result of how our brain falsely interprets certain triggers as if they are life threatening, because when we lived in caves that anxiety meant the difference between life and death: raised heart rate and adrenaline give you a boost in case of a tiger running after you, scenarios make you prepared etc. But there's no real tiger, our fears are now of a different type, yet we end up having to deal with them as if they were tigers. The truth however in my case is that there's no tiger. I'm grateful, my loved ones have been really supportive of my efforts to find myself again. I've been encouraged for it and still feel accepted by them. I don't feel rejected. I just fear that I will be rejected, because I'll be a person not worth their time. There are more than one layers to this. Why am I afraid? I think it's because I have placed too much value on keeping people around me, I have clung to them to feel the warmth of their love. But it's wrong because it goes to such a level that I don't even think of me. I think of how I'll be perceived by others, but not of my own life and experience of a situation. Instead of trying to shape my day with family taking everyone in account equally, I don't ask myself how I want to do things, or what I want to do for the day, but rather immediately skip to trying to do what other people want. And that's a self esteem issue, a boundaries issue. How do I make sure I'm happy and I'm myself when I've gotten used to suppressing my own voice in fear it will not be of any worth anyway? I think the answer to that is to try. What I owe to myself is to ask me more questions and figure out how I feel in certain situations. Sometimes if I'm stressed, it's hard to find out what I think and feel, because I'm cowardly and mentally stuck. But I need to remember that the love I need the most in life is the love I can give myself. Respect, acceptance. It's inappropriate to not think of me. It's disrespectful not to ask me how I feel. I would never treat someone in my circle this way, but it's been how I've ignored myself for years, cowering because I wanted other people's acceptance and love to fill the void in my heart. I remember when I was younger, there were some nights that I turned in and felt really empty as I shut down my computer. As if everything I felt and experienced while with people only did something for me for those moments and when people were gone, there was nothing left. Maybe that was just a feeling, or maybe it's part of my lonely experience back then which shows how I wasn't doing things for the right reasons and thus was empty inside when I was alone. Often when I feel stressed, I soon feel worse after realizing. As if I'm not allowed to feel negative things some times, I feel bad that I feel something negative. Another type of denying myself, that. And this doesn't change unless I honestly accept that this is life. Games gave me a pseudo happy state. Everything was always perfect in games, constant stimulation and always a new quest to go after. But I'm not a character in a game, I'm a human being. Sometimes I worry and worrying gives me bad sensations in my body. I should take a breath and accept those, rather than trying to avoid everything. And through this writing I get to remember that the root of my worrying in this case is that I value what loved ones will think of me over my own opinion. I realize, as I'm writing, that I'm feeling impatient to escape this worry instead of along myself to experience it. Even this tool can end up being used wrongly it seems, like a bandaid on a bleeding cut that's not been cleaned. It's not right to avoid myself and my feelings and reject them. If it was a friend or a little one, I would find it very normal for them to worry that in a time of many changes things might go wrong. It's human. And this is the right angle I got to adopt for me too. It's okay to worry, I worry because I care for the relationships I have in my life. It being alright doesn't mean the thoughts are true, it just means this is also a part of me and I don't need to deny it, hide it or try to avoid it. I can accept stress and be brave, try to put myself first and see what happens. It's scary in comparison to being a copy of other people, but it's been worth it so far. It's Sunday as I edit this and I'm stuck in an anxious state of mind. I don't know what it is exactly I'm afraid of, or what happens to me. Expecting the arrival of the loved one, I felt tension. Maybe I fear that something bad will happen, but nothing did so far. Yet I'm not relieved. I feel on edge, and I'm struggling to keep myself calm. One person can bring chaos to my psychological state and I think I'm codependent. It's easy to be me when I'm alone, but in their presence I feel nervous, like I'm walking on eggshells. Why? I love them. And I think they love me. But when they're here I feel like sacrificing everything for them, yet at the same time I feel stuck in this state of anxiety regarding my mood. I get anxious about meeting them cause I used to get anxious about meeting them when I gamed and I wasn't good towards them. And ever since, meeting them is connected to stress in my brain. I feel bad that this is happening and I don't want it to happen. I am in denial. It's happened again, like I feared it would. I'm wishing the stress away. I don't want to tell them and cry but I might need to. I feel like crying because I feel everything so strongly. Trying to look like I'm fine doesn't work, my mind isn't in the moment, this stress distracts me from the goal of the day, which is to spend time with family. And in this way I feel like I'm disappointing them and myself, again and again. In this intense emotional moment, I feel like I just want this to disappear, this anxiety issue. But it's happening over and over and every time I hope it won't happen again but it does and nothing changes. Nothing changes if nothing changes, they say. So I came here to write now that I have the chance, and I'm trying to find another approach to this. I think they can already tell I'm not okay. Me trying to pretend like I am okay is a measure of protection for myself in a way, but they can see how I am, they've known me for years. Maybe instead of bashing myself inwardly about the occasion and denying it, I should share it instead. Writing about doing it, I feel some relief. They already know, I won't ruin anything they don't already realize. On the contrary what I've doing so far is the opposite. I've still been keeping them at a distance. I'm still keeping up walls right now instead of sharing my vulnerability with them. But that's not closure and a close relationship. When you're close you share your fear, you don't pretend you're strong. You let your guard down. I'm not doing that yet. This isn't without its purpose. I don't share that I have anxiety because then in my mind I will be admitting this flaw. I don't want to be this problematic person, but I'm traumatized in some ways. Ignoring the flaws, avoiding them, neglecting them won't change my feelings. The situation with this person isn't resolved, or I wouldn't feel this anxiety. It isn't resolved. If I tell them my worries, I'm sharing my burden. My burden is real and my feelings are real, even if they might have more to do with the past version of me rather than the current me. The person has told me I'm fine just like I am. It hasn't changed the fact these fears keep on coming up those times that we see each other. And truth is that I always get upset that the anxiety is still here. But after all this writing so far, I think that what I haven't done today is respect this anxiety and allow it. Admit it to the person and let them be with me in this, instead of me trying to be "perfect" for their inspection. What I haven't done is accepting my feelings. When I felt stressed in the morning about it, I was unable to accept it, I have been trying to magically make it disappear by avoiding it. I have been pushing it away and disrespecting my emotions and my past experience. I'm feeling better now. I accept it, I have some anxiety issues and I will let the person know. But I'm not a bad person because I have anxious thoughts. I am me and in different moods I feel and behave differently as all people. I shouldn't try to act like I'm more "recovered" than I am, it hurts me much more and it takes everything from me to keep up that front. When I don't feel okay it shows. I don't know why I closed my heart to the person and didn't want to tell them that I felt this way but I think it's cause I don't want to let them know I'm still not done recovering. I don't want to be this disappointing person. But maybe it's this step of acceptance that is necessary to real healing. I can't resolve these self fulfilled anxious feelings (I get anxious that I will be anxious) if I am denying dealing with them. I've spent a few hours avoiding them. I've been keeping up this front. But I thought of doing something different, writing about it here. I thought it might help me. Because my thoughts are not in order ever. And I now recognize that my practice of hiding and avoiding my anxiety is a big obstacle to real connection and feeling good with the people you love. Even if I've not spoken to the person yet, I feel much better after one more wall of text. I need to admit my weaknesses, accept them and work on them, not avoiding them. Maybe it's ego, or self protection, or thinking I don't deserve happiness and I'm subconsciously sabotaging myself. But as I work with my feelings, I try to respect whoever I am, and care for me, and love me. And in a way I'm grateful for having these feelings because they force me to deal with these things.
  15. I just want to share with you that I've been in dark places and at times I felt desperate for a solution too. Many times. I urge you to not stop, to seek help with the doctor or counselor you have found and also try to help yourself if you think it could work for you. Cognitive behavioral therapy is a great someone in my personal opinion, it's not a miracle, you need to work on it but it gives results when you put in the time. I've felt hopeless and I'm grateful that I didn't stop this detox process, because in the long run it gave me pieces of my life and self back. I believe the same will happen with you and I wish you it. You're really not alone, remember it.
  16. In my personal opinion you sound like you handled this correctly when it comes to the ex. I agree with you but also see how she feels torn between hurting someone as a result of what she wants to do (be 100% your gf in public) and being herself. I think it's important for you to express what you felt when she behaved differently, more than anything, and see what she does with that information. Just to be clear with yourself, I think it would be helpful for you to categorize whether this is a deal breaker to you in the relationship, or what importance it has, and clearly communicate it to her too. Maybe the consequences of it, if it happens again. I wish you all the health and love, man. You've been doing very well with your journey. Remember bumps are part of the road!
  17. I've been in very similar situations, though for me it's cause I think of doing things spontaneously and then later finding out that I bought some food that I already had in pantry and it's sorta embarrassing! xD Not only did you not game after that situation, but you also didn't get hit by a car or drop down from the heat! Highways are dangerous. Stay vigilant! We all cope with some other habit at first so don't judge yourself for the beers, there is plenty of time ahead to adjust more of these "settings" as you level up in RL once you're through the few weeks long "tutorial run"!
  18. Day 235-7.   No games, day 30-32 +previous total of 176.  I've been working! And exercising! And I have had some self evaluation done privately in my head but didn't write anything down. I have gotten slightly sick, ate a couple of ice creams but also exercised two more times. Thursday night I cooked a plant based meal for myself in an effort to escape habitual animal eating and it was good enough a dish! Day 238.   No games for 209 days, day 33 +previous total of 176. It's Friday morning now as I write this, I just woke up from a nightmare regarding my loved ones. Stupid things, dreams! Anyway. I've been getting my spark back. You see how I type with more exclamation marks? This thing. I feel more like the old me, the person I had stopped being. The spontaneous guy, the excitable guy. I'm happy to notice this guy coming back. I've been putting more credit to myself and less into what I think society will say for me. I've sat on my porch and sung even though people might see me. Who cares? Why suppress my personality? This is me. Maybe they'll enjoy me like I enjoy seeing strangers having happy moments, or maybe they won't. Not everyone finds peace with everyone else, we all have preferences. But that doesn't mean I'll try to appease everyone or try to prevent their judgment. I'm going to try catch more sleep before I work again. This non consistent entry thing might continue while I work more, cause after it I feel really tired and don't feel like using devices.
  19. Welcome to the forums! I've also dealt with social phobias because of the isolation of gaming, you're doing progress already in your first days, well done.
  20. Great job with identifying that negative self talk and of course dealing with it! I don't remember how long you've been hooked on video games but I'd say if it's been anything over six months, stay vigilant. I've had many good moments so far myself, feeling like I'll never go back and such, but it didn't stay that way for every single day. Gratefulness for the good days and vigilance for the bad days, I'd say! Not trying to be a bummer, just a word of prevention in case you might need it. Well done so far!
  21. fawn_xoxo


    I do have a suggestion that worked for me, but there are good news and bad news. The bad news are that in order for you to get better, if you're anything like me at least, you'll have to do homework. Like, real homework where you write down the negative thoughts and fact check them. (Look online for cognitive distortions worksheets and Socratic method in psychology) The good news is.. it works. At first it helps with just the feelings, the negativity subsides a bit after you've corrected the exaggerations you might call yourself. But with consistency on facing the self talk, because your own brain is correcting it, it gets less and less time in your thoughts. I needed a long time to take this seriously but when I did (and I still need it, it's a WIP) I saw results.
  22. And then there's those even fewer who chose not to lie anymore and face the music. It's not easy but it's an option, one you also have by abstaining anew from today onwards mate! Don't give up. There's no failure, only feedback on how to do better next time.
  23. fawn_xoxo


    You didn't give it up, you just didn't follow it for that day. Remember that it's not final and you can always follow it the next day. Nothing is over and this journey has its ups and downs, so I suggest to not perceive this as anything less than feedback about what to do better next time (you already summarized the feedback at the end and well done). We are all far from perfect but if we learn from our weaknesses we are better than before and that's what this is all about. Perfection doesn't exist and it shouldn't be a goal, progress is the desired, this is how I see this. You're doing much better than when you were wasting days on gaming.
  24. Day 234.   No games, day 29 +previous total of 176. Checklistnegativity free: Dealt with it through this journalavoided eating animals: ate one animal based meal1 gratitude practice per day: yes1 fruit per day: no8 glasses of water per day: unsure but drank a lotsodas free: yes sweets free: yes some exercise per day: YES THIRTY MINUTES! Monday morning. I open my eyes and I feel bad. Was it a dream that gave me a bad mood? I try to remember but I can't. Actually I don't want to remember. I deny these feelings. I have been struggling with having a stable good mood for years whenever I quit gaming. Gaming seemed to keep me in a state of ecstasy that I loved. Big feelings, explosive emotions, I was living for it. Now I'm left with this habitual denial. Whenever I notice that I feel bad, I don't want it to be true and I fight it. But it doesn't work like this. I opened my eyes and I had this bad feeling, it's the truth. Is it such a big deal? Am I not allowed to be human, and feel? I am. I know for a fact that denying and suppressing my feelings have been practices of mine for years. I don't know whether it's just to protect myself by avoiding admitting vulnerability, but probably? I want to be at peace with myself instead. As I wrote in earlier entries, I now observe that I'm dramatic and often I feel big. I have also observed that my biggest problem with feelings is that I fight them. It starts from not wanting to have them, to experience them maybe. Like a child, I throw a fit inwardly, saying nooo I don't want to feel this way!!! And then I feel sorry for myself, and guilty, that I'm still having bad moments. It really helps to write things down because I can see how exaggerated my demands are. I would never ask someone I love to not feel. I would never ask them to feel bad for feeling bad, and I would tell them, of course you have bad moments, that's life. And so now I can see that self love would say to accept these feelings and just move on with the day. So I accept that those feelings are my own and that's okay, no need to renounce them. I also want to admit to myself that I've been having gaming socialization cravings. It's a sneaky byproduct or effect of gaming, thinking about what my gaming friends might be doing and how I'm bad for not being in touch. I think behind that is just my desire to game and it's masked behind a pretense of socialization. What I am really looking for is the usual distraction, the mindlessness so to speak. Maybe it's cause of the established habit, maybe it's because I'm afraid of facing everything sometimes. That's okay. Unlike last time I won't do it. There is no way for gaming to work for me. It will stay away. I feel this tendency towards self pity right now. Or more like I'm afraid I'll feel self pity once I get out of bed. I overthink, it seems. I try to control everything in my life, it seems. I don't need to do that. I can accept the uncertainty, even though at this age it's more scary than it used to be. -- It's the morning of the next day and I filled in the checklist. I'm really glad and satisfied that I exercised again. I'm slowly finding my footing again. I'm also reading again, just a few pages each day, and also working more than before but still not enough. It's okay, it's progress. I'm very satisfied from somewhere deep within that lately as I'm discovering ways to express myself or take new actions, the people I love support me and even tell me they'll join me in some things when they can. Being me doesn't seem to push anyone away and I'm deeply relieved about that, cause I've been in self doubt for so long.
  25. I have read this book. In my personal opinion it isn't the first book you should pick up right now, but very useful either way. I second what @JustTom said, as might be obvious from my signature xD The win friends book is about a more efficient way of communicating to avoid unnecessary conflict and do well with lots of different acquaintances diplomatically.