BooksandTrees

I think it's funny how when I have bad dreams they always center around my parents angering me. Everything else is fine and I'll give a good summary in my post tomorrow. I'm just writing to say I had 2 bad dreams last night. One focused around my dad trying to kill me and capture me while the other was my mom trying to piss me off at her house and I was stuck there again. I haven't been arguing with either of them but I did feel anxious on the phone withthem this week for some reason.

Welcome. I think ditching the community is very important in general. I don't use discord or twitch and I click the "do not recommend" button on youtube for any game related stuff. It really helps.

I have a new plan for my days: Wake up at 7, exercise, breakfast, work from 8 to 12, study from 12 to 1, work from 1-5 and eat lunch, then take a shower and eat dinner, then relax. I'm doing this because I can't fucking study after work. I hate it. I'm so tired. Oh my god, fuck off. Stop. I can't take it. It's so boring. That's all.

Because we share the same morals, have the same personality, she plays no dating games, she likes me for me, she's romantic and sweet, she asks me questions and is very talkative, she's smart and responsible, she likes the same hobbies I do, great listener, takes an interest in me, makes me feel happy being myself, makes me feel like a man, shares the same future plans as me, loves to cuddle, very open communicator emotionally and logically, and cares about me.

Dude I've had the same feelings. I visit the websites sometimes maybe twice per week but lose interest fast. I've found that just being emotionally affectionate with this girl has helped me turn the tide. I think I just wanted love.

Have you noticed an impact on your porn and masturbation habits from this relationship?

Sounds like you're pretty tired. Maybe you can have an uplifting workout session this weekend to really hone in on the energy you need to get back at it. I'd normally suggest resting, but sometimes rest promotes lethargy. Sometimes a light workout like yoga or a walk is more impactful.

Congrats on the side job even if it wasn't what you wanted. It's still a chance for you to be productive and maybe learn something new about yourself. It may also improve your relationship with your mom.

Today I'm 118 weeks free from gaming and 120 weeks free from social media. This week was highly unproductive at work because of the emotional issues I experienced. My therapist said I have PTSD. I get embarrassed to say that because I often reserve that condition for soldiers or victims of extreme abuse etc. I put that much respect into the mental illness that I don't feel I deserve to be associated with it because I know there are others who have hurt more than I have and they deserve more help. I also feel a lot of narcissists blurt out that they have PTSD or OCD like it's a common cold or a headache. They don't actually have those conditions. They don't struggle with it every day. They sicken me. But everyone knows they're full of it. People with those conditions don't brag about them. They'd give anything to not have those conditions anymore and just want to live life without them. My coworkers supported me while I was away for a few days and I feel a lot better. I also had a very productive conversation with my parents and set strong boundaries with them. I want them to be actual parents and not friends. I don't think it's good to just be friends with your kids. There needs to be a degree of separation no matter the age or it causes hierarchy differential issues and developmental issues. I also have a second date tonight with this wonderful woman I've been talking to for about a month. I'm excited. She has really been a positive influence over these past few weeks and I'm enjoying getting to know her. Today my goals are to study for an hour, relax for a bit, clean, and stay true to myself. This week my goals are to continue doing 2 days of exercise per week and 2 days of studying per week. Thanks for the support. I didn't get a chance to reply but I think I've been learning new ways to manage it. I didn't relapse with games, I didn't even watch porn. I ate a little junk food but really all I did was relax, communicate with those I trusted, and work on some art projects. I'm happy. That's my mindset now. I'm going to use this lull as a chance for me to study for that exam (major fight) without any external factors hitting me. I think it's the right decision.

I'll reply more later.

Quick update. I keep having violent dreams and doing things I regret. I can't sleep at all and keep waking up. The anxiety is crushing me. I just have major fear. I keep thinking of people I never talk to anymore and not being able to contact my parents ever again. I keep having to repeat high school and I keep forgetting my locker combination. My parents attack me and I have to defend myself and then regret my actions. I had one part of the dream where another bird was attacking my bird so I crushed it and it felt bad and asked me why I hurt it. I felt terrible. I was defending my bird who loves me. At this point I'm just afraid of sleeping. I need a hug and companionship and family at this point. The virus is really making me feel alone.

Do you feel more energy during the day after working out over time?

I'm going to make a new commitment to myself starting tonight: I'm going to push myself to do more exercise and mentally stimulating hobbies. Why am I doing this? I'm doing this because I was reading an article posted by an athlete talking about how she gained energy over time after exercising more frequently. The body produces more chemicals in order to constantly feed the energy requirements for exercise and mental stimulation. I remember this from when I exercised 4 days per week. I had much better focus at work, more energy, and just more initiative and drive to do something. I'm doing this because I am in quite the rut. I've got no energy at all. I sleep, wake up, and want to go back to sleep. I slept so poorly two nights ago after a very traumatic argument with both of my parents. I spent all of today sleeping. I slept for 10 hours last night, then I slept for 2 hours at lunch, then I left work early to sleep for another 3 hours. I realize I'm tired because of how much energy I conjured in order to defend myself and logically discuss my emotions with my parents and set more solid boundaries. That took a lot out of me. But I have nothing inside of me anyways. Even before these arguments I've just been so tired. That one day I exercised made me feel so much better. Living at home and not being around anyone makes this more difficult. It's so hard to motivate yourself after some time. I miss seeing others. I miss connection. I miss love. I have a date tomorrow night with a woman I've been talking to for 4 weeks now. I'm very excited. She's a complete angel and sweetheart. I am so lucky. We will see how it goes and I'm hoping for the best. My friend introduced us and it's been like two magnets stuck together ever since. I've never met anyone with as much in common as me or the same personality. It's utter magic. I'm so grateful I can't put it into words. I'm going to hug her tomorrow and let her know how happy I am.

Thank you. We're getting there.

Excellent. It's a mutual struggle. Maybe them quitting will help you. Maybe you 3 can find a new activity.

What's your major and what do you want to do in life?

Is there a way for you to manipulate your disorder? I'm not trying to be ignorant, but I'm curious. Is there a way for you to create something within someone you meet that allows you to establish comfort? Could you engineer your way to a solution like a placebo of sorts so you can get your job?

Thanks, I actually decided to tackle it a bit today. I got a lot done that I'll highlight below. I noticed that as well and made some important progress today that I'll mention below. I haven't heard of it. I have considered and experimented with what you mentioned with gaming in moderation before I started my 2+ years away. I couldn't moderate online games because I was so hooked on being the best in that universe of gaming. I think it might work with single player games that aren't open world and end within 1 hour or 3 hours tops. I haven't heard of metacognition but I think it's valid after reading about it. Today was good. I struggled a bit in the morning because I knew I wanted to do a lot of things. I thought it might be easier to relax and do nothing. I did that but felt groggy. Instead, I put some relaxing music on and did yoga for about 45 minutes. I then went and finally used my workout machine for the first time in 2 months (wow, that went fast). I felt great. I did a full body routine and felt so much better. I then cleaned, took a shower, and then studied for a whole hour. I'm so proud of myself. I really want to get in the habit of studying for an hour a day for 4 days per week or so and taking my time with this. I don't want to cram again. I'm also not going to watch the video lectures they gave and just do the problems this time. I'm going to pass this test. I know it. I want that paper. I still have 5 hours before bed too. So I think I'll make dinner (I meal prepped yesterday, but want to make more) and then relax for the night. I will consider writing a bit, trying some art, or the drums for 30 minutes also.

Stay strong. Urges go away like a wave in the ocean. Handle one at a time because not every day is stormy with waves.

I miss building with legos. I'll be doing that in the future when I own a house. I don't want to transport them. Keep up the good work and hopefully your rocket test goes well next time.

I've found most people with these committed lists never stick to it because it makes "living" feel like work. Maybe there's a new way for you to just enjoy your days and being more in the moment? Instead of holding yourself to these schedules you can be more present. Say it's 4 PM you can say ok, I'm kind of hungry, let's meal prep. Or it's 7 PM, I kind of want to do a new hobby. This also lets you relax. I think when you have too many things to monitor and plan you just look for the first chance to take a break. It starts with only having time to breathe around bed time, but then you stay up late because you finally have time to relax. We can't be productive all day. I think quitting games makes people think they need to be productive all day long. I've been successful for 2 years because I just sit there and do nothing for certain periods of the day and relax my brain. It can be annoying sometimes, but overall I feel less stressed and have no triggers to relapse.

Good luck with the interviews. I'm also relieved about the student loan forgiveness at the moment. I'm trying to take advantage of the zero interest since I've been fortunate enough to be working, but even if they did forgive $10k in loans I'd be very grateful.

I think it's important to realize that whole process of queueing and introducing new actions when you have those triggers to go on the phone. Work stress = something else instead of phone. Something like that overall.

Today I'm 117 weeks free from gaming. I've gotten into a bad habit the past few months where I just sleep as much as possible on Saturdays. I go to bed early, wake up late, lounge on the couch, and take a nap later. I can't tell what to think of this trend. On one hand I want to get angry at myself for not being productive today, but on the other hand I'm excited that I could finally rest after a long week. The past few weeks have been so busy for me and I just look forward to this rest. I think as the days have been darker I've trended into the direction of sleeping more and resting. Also, the past year has been so busy for me at work. So it makes sense that a simple 2 week vacation wouldn't fully recharge me in December. It's more of a sine wave function where I think I just have more energy from April to September and less from October to March and it just has certain amplitudes. All animals go through this and many animals hibernate in this time of year. I've decided not to be too upset. I still meal prepped 8 meals today, did laundry, had a video call with my mom, then had a virtual board game night and fun session with friends. So it's not like today was a failure or anything. I guess I still wish I could have spent maybe an hour studying, playing the drums, exercising, or doing some form of art or writing. I've had a very long series of discussions with my therapist about doing more things in moderation such as doing a hobby for 1 hour and switching to something else. I get stuck in a mindset of "do I want to do art for 8 hours? No? Then I'll just sleep and do nothing all day." That's really crushing me I think. As former gamers I think we struggle with doing anything for less than 1-2 hours and justifying its usefulness in our lives. We've binged games for 6-24+ hour periods of time on average for years and decades. It's so difficult to say "I had a lot of fun doing something for 30 minutes and then did something else" I find it funny how I'm over 2 years into quitting full time and I still struggle with time management. I hope if anyone is reading this that they can maybe find some comfort that I didn't just solve everything at once and find the magic potion to quitting games. I just deal with urges and persist on. Most days aren't a struggle anymore. I'm going to set reminders on my phone, like an alarm clock, where I just keep reminding myself that I can do an activity for a little bit or something. I also found something interesting: I've been making memes of my coworkers and posting them on our company website as a joke. They're not offensive memes or anything and are management approved. They're meant to boost morale in the office since we're working from home. I've learned more in Photoshop during the past 2 weeks of making memes than I did in downloading that huge class on Udemy because I actually have a desire to make something. If I want to do something that I can't do yet, I look up a tutorial online and remember it after. I'm going to start doing this for drums and animation. I'm just going to try and learn a song on the drums instead of learning everything perfectly for years. I want more fun and I'm smart enough to be efficient. In response to @Amphibian220, no I haven't even been doing anything active. I think being active would give me more energy in the mornings but I haven't been disciplined or even considered doing it more than 1 day per week. I'll try to address this soon with some yoga. And I apologize to people for not really being as active on the forums. I've just been doing a lot of thinking the past few weeks. Not about gaming or anything. I've just been thinking about how certain aspects of life make me feel and how to understand them. I consider this a form of spiritual thinking or active meditation with relationships to humans and activities. I've been studying how certain actions make me feel both good and bad. I've been learning a lot about myself and I think it will culminate into something that really binds energy and regulation into my life.

I use blender also for animations. It's great.