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JustTom

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Everything posted by JustTom

  1. Day 27 | Work: 21p | Music: 2p | Misc: CGAA + social I didn't just crush it today, I absolutely massacred it! There's blood everywhere, people running around screaming, the police is chasing me for this brutal murder of this wednesday. Almost 0 procrastination, actually got a lot of stuff done, 10.5 hours. Just before I left the office, I noticed something wrong that could potentially be a huge problem, but I'll look into it tomorrow. I finally got to do some coding after some time again, which is the part I like the most. Maybe this is the promised land, the land where I don't hate every single minute of what I'm doing at my job. I wonder if it's going to get better or worse. I'm guessing better, but there is a very solid chance it could go worse. Anyways, I had to actually stop myself from working and go home. Not only for food, but also for at least 1 hour of learning music. I want to stay consistent with that. Though to be realistic, since I've gotten back from the wedding, I've been giving up (intentionally) gym and social life, as well as using modafinil as a crutch. I'm not abusing it at all, I have a very good relationship with supplements, but the fact that I'm not working out or talking to people is bothering me slightly. It's a short-term thing, I'll start exercising and socializing soon as well. That being said, I had over an hour long call with a good friend I haven't talked to in a long time. It was really nice, I shared my addiction story, we connected. ************************************************** Actually, that doesn't work for me. I would have to force myself to be unproductive in those times. And the thing is, what most people consider "relaxing" is a negative unconscious pattern for me. Even watching a movie, derives quickly from really enjoying myself, to being a zombie. When I feel like chilling, I will chill and I will do it in a conscious manner, but I won't force myself to watch a movie when I feel like working just because I've worked "enough". Another thing that I keep in mind at all times is the difference between discomfort and exhaustion. Change in behavior and identity creates discomfort. Discomfort masks itself as "being tired", but it's actually just cognitive dissonance, and when I make myself comfortable in the face of discomfort, I stop growing. Or regress. In fact, being uncomfortable, for me, is the signal to keep going because that is where growth lies in the first place. It's not a given that when I do things, I grow. It's really only when I push through discomfort that I grow. So I am always really mindful of when I'm uncomfortable, and when I'm legitimately exhausted and need to rest(physically, mentally, emotionally, sleep-wise..).
  2. Change in appearance can complement change in identity nicely. I had a long beard in summer 2016 and when I deleted my LoL account for the first time, I trimmed it to a very short style instead. Somehow it signified that this is a new me now. Obviously that doesn't have to have a utilitarian reason. I think "fuck it" is a perfectly reasonable justification as well 😄
  3. Day 26 | Work: 24p | Music: 5p | Misc: CGAA Crushed it AGAIN. Three days in a row I woke up on time and worked really hard. It's fascinating how great having control over my own life feels. I did chill for ~2 hours instead of jumping right into music, but that's totally fine. I've been listening to the Atomic Habits audiobook on commutes and wanted to write about it here, but honestly - I just want to get more shit done. Maybe later haha. No cravings, no negative patterns. Will update how many pomodoros of music I've done. The plan is to go to bed at 2am and wake up at 9am, so optimally 5p. EDIT: Indeed did 5p, but then procrastinated for an hour so I'm going to bed at 3am. This, however, is still an improvement hahah. Trying to use cues and program my subconscious to execute habits in the evening - I just have to start the first cue early enough.
  4. Day 25 | Work: 20p | Music: 2p | Misc: CGAA Crushed it today. Got up, went to the office at 11, worked until 22, now I'm going home to chill for two hours and go to bed to have a meeting tomorrow early morning to summarise my work of past 3 weeks and determine next steps. I didn't get the results I wanted to and performance wasn't up to standards, but I did what I could given my mental condition and for that I'm happy and even a little bit proud. No matter what happens, as long as I stay off games, my success is guaranteed. One day at a time.
  5. Day 24 | Work: 0p | Music: 10p | Misc: CGAA + a lot of chores No more dangerous patterns today, it seems like the withdrawals are over for now! Though for some reason, I was very unfocused during the day. Probably because I was home alone with my laptop. I kept alt-tabbing and procrastinating, but it's okay, it was Sunday and I'm moving forward. Going to bed extremely late again, I have to set myself a hard limit of 1am bedtime from now on. The condition under which I can continue my internship now includes never coming after 11am, so I need to start focusing on that. My sponsor also confirmed that I completed step 2, so early recovery is going very well. I sense another great week coming up!
  6. Day 23 | Work: 11p | Music: 0p | Misc: CGAA + social So the pattern on thursday night was that I binge-watched the new mini-series Chernobyl. It is absolutely amazing, a piece of art. But, I watched it until ~6am. Emotionally, it felt like a relapse by all means. I did not game nor did I watch gaming content, but it was intense escapism and when I thought about stopping, I got hit by a spike of anxiety, so I just kept watching untitl I fell asleep out of exhaustion. That made me wake up in the afternoon, go to my internship at the end of the day to disappoint once again. The rest of the day was pretty good though, as indicated by 20 total pomodoros on day 22. Today, I watched the series again. For absolutely no reason. Well, of course there is a reason. I just don't see it. I don't think it was exactly escapism this time. Maybe after 20 days of sobriety, my ego is rebelling once again and it's trying to bring me back to my old patterns. It's now 3am and instead of composing music for 5 hours, I've watched Chernobyl again, for 5 hours. I also met with a buddy of mine who's visiting the city, at around noon and we drank a few beers. When I got to the office(nobody there on saturday but me), sligthly drunk and feeling like I really want to chill with coffee for a while, I watched the GSL starcraft finals of this season, for something over an hour. I did message my sponsor and the whatsapp group that I'm doing it though, and I was ready to report any cravings should they arise, but in the end they didn't. After it ended, I just closed it and started working. After 5.5 hours, I attended the CGAA meeting, had a call with mom and my sponsor, which kind of broke my workflow a bit, so then I procrastinated on reddit and started watching the mini-series. Oh well. No matter. I still consider this a very successful day, all things considered. It's 3am now, going to bike home to get to bed by 4 and wake up at 12 to just have fun with music on sunday, no pressure. If I feel like working, I can work instead of course, but it's not a must. Fresh start tomorrow, with plenty of sleep. This might be one of the harder periods of my early recovery and I fully intend to stay connected, vigilant and patient.
  7. Sorry about the job. Don't get discouraged by external circumstances though. To put it in science terms: keep maximizing the probability of success and eventually, the result sampled from your distribution will be successful! 😄
  8. Day 22 | Work: 16p | Music: 0p | Misc: CGAA There was a very worrying pattern I followed yesterday, but didn't relapse. I'm in a hurry to get into bed ASAP(still in the office at night), so I'll write about it later.
  9. Day 21 | Work: 18p | Music: 2p | Misc: CGAA 3 weeks wooo! By far the longest I've gotten in 2019, very proud of this streak. It's also the second day home alone, but except for going to bed later than ideal, I feel totally fine. I do think about games here and there, but don't feel any cravings. I just keep avoiding any content and focusing on music, if anything. That's really the only thing that interests me nowadays anyway. Today I managed to get out of bed and actually focus a bit at work which is fantastic. Allergy is pretty much gone, but the internal swelling and inflammation take some time to heal and it's very uncomfortable. Especially the ear pressure(the plane flight didn't exactly help) - I'm getting a bit anxious about damaging ears by blowing my nose through the pressure. That would be one way to kill a passion lmao.
  10. JustTom

    Onlysoul

    I also used to have this hardcore attitude. I thought it's the only way to achieve great things. But it always lead me here, as you said: This loop is all too familiar to me. Except being overweight but hey don't you worry about my number of problems being too small. I'm starting to think a bit differently now and I think I'm really getting somewhere, mentally. Breaking out of that loop. Are you gaming now by the way?
  11. Day 19 & Day 20 | CGAA x 2 I find it extremely difficult to focus at work. Allergy + no positive rewards + constant day-dreaming about music. Seriously, today all I've done is look at online film scoring courses, their previews, chatted with a composer on discord, etc. Tomorrow I will have 1 more gpu available, though a single titan X or 1080TI would be better than two 1080's, but at least I can always run 2 experiments in parallel. Music: Switching to FL studio has been more difficult than I thought it would. It's got a completely different workflow from all other DAWs, so it's taking me some time to learn the fundamentals, but at this point I have a template I know how to operate. There are some library-specific controls I'm still confused by, but I'm getting there. By saturday I'll probably have it figured out and can start writing the strings exercise. Ahh if only I could do this full time! 😄 Fun fact: 10,000 is commonly stated to be the number of hours needed to reach mastery at a skill. This can be achieved in: ~2.4 years with 80h/week of practice(11.5hours per day incl. weekends) or ~3.2 years with 60h/week of practice(8.5h per day incl. weekends) or ~4.8 years with 40h/week of practice(8h per day excl. weekends) or ~9.6 years with 20h/week of practice. My extremely vague calculations show me that I could start making enough money(with music) to survive in my home country in under 2 years of deliberate practice(doing 60h/week). Just an interesting... hypothesis. Another thing - I NEEEEED to laser focus on evening and morning routine. I'm going to bed SLIGHTLY late today, but no devices, water prepared with the phone nearby it. In the morning, I must under no circumstances lay down - neither on the bed, nor the couch. This is not a should, this an absolute must. I HAVE TO get this shit sorted in order to fully recover. This is the most important habit in my life and I MUST master it.
  12. Days 15-18 The wedding was great, although I'm dying of allergy now. I'll try to wake up in the morning despite not being able to breathe and go to the office to check up on my model. I assume it will suck, but if there is decent improvement, that could be huge. This week is going to be hardcore because of my serious reaction to the warmer and drier home environment, plus tomorrow is going to be the hottest day of the year in this city, so I'll just kind of try to survive, do as much work as I can and then I have the weekend to look forward to(going to write a 1-minute string harmony exercise!). Yep, thanks! I'll keep updating and I'm 100% sure I'll get back to being frequent on this forum eventually. I don't know how much you know about music production, but for the DAW, I use Studio One, though I'm learning the basics of FL studio just because it has a midi scrub tool haha. For libraries, this was mostly Damage for percussion, REFORGED for trailer hits and Metropolis Ark 1 for the orchestra.
  13. Welcome aboard again, Captain Obvious. Good to have you back 😄
  14. Sent you a message with my number, feel free to call during the day or evening EU time
  15. Day 14 | Focus: 65% | Pomodoros: 17 + CGAA + chores + social Going home for a wedding so I might not update. Honestly, I'm getting enough daily sharing at the CGAA meetings and reporting to my sponsor every day, so I haven't written much, or even read other people's journals lately. Or maybe it's my heavy pull towards music that I feel, and don't want to spend time on anything else. Don't know, we'll see, I'm doing good either way.
  16. Day 12 | Focus: 85% | Pomodoros: 19 + CGAA Day 13 | Focus: 40% | Pomodoros: 8* + CGAA Day 12 was amazing, because I woke up with my roommate, was very productive and found some new methods to implement, while day 13 is the exact opposite, overslept, went to my job in the afternoon only to find out that it's buggy as shit and I don't even have enough gpu memory, plus the single course I need to retake in september is already full so I was put on a waiting list, which is an absolute disaster since there's so many students this year and it's very popular. All in all, my degree is going to shit despite me being off games. Very motivating. Makes me want to quit every single day. Only worked 4 hours so far, but I'm so frustrated I can't even put in the other 4. Think I'll just calm myself with writing some strings. On that note, I'm putting a link to the previously reproduced simple soundtrack, finally on soundcloud and not just my dropbox.
  17. One thing I'd add: I would be REALLY interested in successful or semi-successful people's daily struggles. Things that are never asked in a mainstream media interview. Maybe somebody successful also struggles with browsing reddit, or waking up, or obsessive thoughts, or feeling they're not enough, or they neglect their hygiene or their room is always messy or they watch porn too much etc. And how they're dealing with it. Like a real, raw, how does your average, boring day looks like.
  18. Hm. What's the cost of a middle-class life for a foreigner? Might be a good place for me to go in the future as well 😄
  19. Day 11 | Focus: 85% | Pomodoros: 16 + CGAA I might do a few extra pomodoros of music after work, in which case I'll update tomorrow. I'm trying hard, doing the best I can at my internship, but if results don't come soon, I don't think this is going to work out despite me being off games. I honestly think I don't have enough data and computational resources at this point. Anyways, on a nicer note, here's the track I've been working on! It's based on a percussion tutorial and I learned a TON I didn't know. I think I can write and produce percussion on a professional composer level(if I got my mixing skills up a notch):
  20. Day 10 | Focus: 85% | Pomodoros: 22 + CGAA Crushed it. The track is finished -> will upload and post probably tomorrow.
  21. Day 9 | Focus: 85% | Pomodoros: 23 + CGAA Woke up with bad allergy, but because my rommate was going out to study, I also left the house with him. Procrastinated a bit in the office at start, but after the first few hours, I got into such sick flow that I could not stop myself from producing. It's now 4am in the night and I'm leaving the office, still excited and barely even tired lol. My sponsor gave me homework to write out my thoughts about step 1, maybe I'll do it tomorrow cause I REALLY need to go to bed ASAP.
  22. I can guarantee you that if you're struggling, moderating is not going to work. If you haven't tried it, you can try it just to see how pointless it is. I've been seriously fighting my addiction for 1.5 years. The longest I've gone without gaming was about 2 months, so I can very much relate. For me, there is no "giving up". Not in some honorable, poetic Rocky Balboa sense. But in the sense that, there literally is no other option. I will either be clean and mentally strong OR a miserable low self-esteem useless clump of DNA material. It's either fight or die, thus I keep fighting. That being said, you must recognize what is working and what is not working. I knew I had to really bring out big guns because I cannot trust my brain at any point, no matter how good I might feel. So I'm going to CGAA meetings EVERY day, I gave up my comfort zone of hiding by getting a roommate and many other things. It's about how serious are and what you're willing to do to quit.
  23. I've been living by myself for 2 years now. If you feel ashamed about living with parents, realize that this is nothing more than an insecurity. Look at real, rational reasons for why would want to and not want to live there and then make decisions from there, not because the society tells you how some things should be. For me, living with my parents is a bit of a toxic environment, it's not horrible, but certainly not optimal. It also makes me not want to even try to bring a girl home. But, in case I want to have a very low-cost few months to build a business or a career in music, which requires a period of no-income ramp-up, I know I can always go live with my dad and mother in law and I'd have no problem with that. So, I'd look at actual, real pros and cons, not something like "I'm too old to live with my parents" bullcrap.
  24. I've known for at least 5 years that it's a huge mental and cognitive benefit, but never got around to actually doing it. Partially gaming, partially not being patient and trying to rush things when I'm doing good. It's part of my to-implement list of habits. One at a time though.
  25. Day 8 | Focus: 75% | Pomodoros: 16 + CGAA + Gym + Chores Awesome day, I set my alarm clock the same as my roomie, which made it easy to get up and go. The plan was to do music in the evening, but after doing laundry and coming to say hi for an hour to some of my neighbours, I got really exhausted. Should have went to bed immediately, but instead I procrastinated for more than 2 hours from going to bed but instead of watching youtube or reddit, I re-watched one of my favorite movies, which is a huge difference in my mental patterns. I'm going to pat myself on the back for that one. I'm also pat myself on the back for completing an entire week! I can't exactly say I'm working hard at my job just yet, but I'm sure as hell working hard at my recovery. And that's the most important thing in the world right now. But that's exactly the hard part.
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