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Destoroyah's Meltdown

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Posted

You are doing fine man. I have faith that you won't relapse, after all you keep me better in check than I do sometimes, and you even caught the flu! How's your dvorak coming along? Is drawing on tablet fun? 

 

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Posted

Thanks Csaba! I'll survive this.

 

I started using the tablet yesterday. It's cool! I've been drawing SKULLS.

 

Fun fact: In kindergarden I was always drawing skeletons. Then they said "No drawing skeletons!"

So I drew ghosts. And they said "No drawing skeletons or ghosts!"

Then I drew Monsters. So they said "No drawing skeletons, ghosts or monsters!"

 

They must've thought I'm mentally ill.

...and they were right!

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Posted

SKULLS.

 

They must've thought I'm mentally ill.

...and they were right!

Nice. 

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Posted (edited)

ENTRY 11 - DAY 18:

I have another anecdote from my early past. It was in the early years of school - elementary. Boys thought girls were uncool and kissing was "nasty". The girls were probing this new subject though and made a game out of it. All of them formed a group and they went out hunting us guys. When they caught us, they held us tight and then one of them kissed us. It was freaking stupid.

At the time, I didn't give a shit about any of that, but I hated the idea of someone forcing me into a situation. When they caught me, I kicked the girl in the groin.

The teacher went mad as fuck when he found out. He yelled at me: "Do you know where you're coming from? DO YOU KNOW WHERE YOU'RE COMING FROM??!", I didn't think that I did wrong in defending myself, even against girls. But I didn't know that he was referring to vaginas so I thought to myself  "From Hell." but didn't dare saying it and said "I don't know, sir."

I wasn't really evil, but I liked provoking people when I felt OK about myself and being criticized for it. The above story is not an example of me provoking, but of my suppressed intention to. My childhood was full of shit like this, constantly, I think it might be the reason why I'm still standing. I wasn't really damaged by it, but my view on the world was a very dark one for long. Things have lightened up, I have sorta learned not to take everything - myself - so seriously. I have stopped pointing on people or things to blame and taken responsibility for my own faults. But I still endure a lot of shit silently, because society has taught me to. It's easier to say "OK." and go through all consequences, than to say "no, fuck you!" and have some retarded argument with a person that then seeks self-affirmation, "examples" and that has a lack of verbal cohesiveness, rhetoric and no ability to address ones own flaws. Fuck you.

I've been hiding the last couple of decades, but it's okay. I can walk and I practice what I preach, and sometimes, when I'm not being a stubborn moron, some people seem to look up to me - when I look away. If I can manage to reduce endless computer-use, I might even be proud of myself - because I'd rip some shit and listen more.

Quitting gaming itself is EASY but fixing all it fucked up is a difficult task to remain engaged in. I hate listening, I hate practicing. I've heard and seen it all!! I KNOW I KNOW I KNOW. Been told everything a hundred times, thought I understand, but when I pick up tools I'm totally confused. From the outside it looks (and even may be) the complete opposite, even IRL. Strange, huh? My view on myself is not real.

I really need to listen more. I'm so busy bulldozing "my own way, the only way", that I lack some perspective. I picked up reading some of you guys' journals to practice writing a meaningful comment. I hope I can write more than "This is me. This is what I do.", someday.

 

I really want to do my sports routine, but I'm still sick - takin' it easy.

Zzzzz...

Edited by destoroyah
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Posted (edited)

Your style of writing reminds me of William Faulkner's As I Lay Dying, and I mean that as the highest compliment. Here's an excerpt from it:

"Yes yes yes yes yes." Two men put him on the train. They wore mismatched coats, bulging behind over their right hip pockets. Their necks were shaved to a hairline, as though the recent and simultaneous barbers had had a chalk-line like Cash's. "Is it the pistols you're laughing at?" I said. "Why do you laugh?" I said. "Is it because you hate the sound of laughing?"

Please let me know if you ever write a stream of consciousness novel so I can preorder a copy of it for myself and all of my friends.

Also, it's good that you too are strengthened by the eternal nothingness. Make the best use of the molecules that happen to be called "You" right now, before they disperse and one day become "something else". And forget all of the haters from your past; you have some incredible insights specifically because you chose to be different from them. That makes you one cool dude in my book.

*Cue Legend of Zelda chest opening music* +1 Follower!

Edited by Pierce
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Posted

Wow, that's the nicest thing I've heard in a while, because it sounds true. I've been working hard on myself, because of all the negative feedback I interpret. Everytime I look back, I can feel proud - but I must never look back, or I'll lose that which makes me good.

That's why I like eternal nothingness, it will be the time to rest.

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Posted (edited)

ENTRY 12 - DAY 20:

It has stopped raining. The dust has been washed from the air, I can breathe again. I can see miles, while I was out, some believers were kind enough to sharpen my lance. Time for me to impale another two dragons from the list. Exams are coming up, one of them an easy kill that has already been lined up for awhile, the other - something from the unknown. No stories were ever told and I had been too ill to do that research.

In my studying life I have gone through a lot. The last exams I made - because of pure grit. Because I sat there for 1 minute realizing that I don't know shit, sat there 1 minute, telling myself "I don't want to write this exam again." over and over, slowly turning into "I will never write this exam again" like by whispers in the telephone game. Killing subquestions with assumptions, writing sentences stating that my solutions are wrong, but continuing with gut-predicted results.

In the end, it turns out, some exams of that sort are unsolvable, and everybody gets 10 points for free, and a motherfucker like me, walks out with a B.

Dee-Da-Dee. You're so great, destoroyah!!! *claclap* Go fuck yourself. 

I've learned to take a hit with my shoulders, curl up and keep stance. But what I can't state to have learnt is pushing thru. Sometimes you are missing 10% of victory, that is where you need to push the lance thru with a warcry to make the dragon flinch into microspasms in order to assist you in his own death. Thunderbolts from the sky, burning clouds galore. 

Never call yourself a warrior, unless you are fighting. In the same manner - you can never say you've learnt pushing thru unless you are busy pushing thru. It surrounds you like an aura, and people tend to leave you alone because you are in the zenest of zones. You will be resistant to all advice, and your head is about to explode from testosterone.

You are on a different plane, where dream and reality share a dimension, or two, depends on the size of what you're attempting to conjure thru. You are everywhere and in all states. It's like a dead living cat in a box conceived to demonstrate the concept of quantum mechanics. Maybe in a parallel universe, there is another you, receiving a different outcome from the same situation. One guy that didn't "push thru".

I'm pretty sure there is, and I'm pretty sure, if he survived that, he'd hate me if my fate was better than his. I'd be a spoiled rotten wuss to him - because from his losing situation he has learned to fight. He'd never want to change places with me, because even if my circumstances may be better than his, he's greater on the inside. Pain is the best mentor you can have, but you'd never notice that you're getting a free schooling while receiving punches in the balls. You're busy crossing your eyes, looking both ways and seeing nothing.

Oooh you're so manly, may I lick your biceps? Bloated yourself up like a hot air ballon, you're gonna pop sooner or later, either because of underpressure or the sun.

Get studying, megalomanic one!

I'm a weathered warrior, seen my share of battles and been across all of them seven seas. Or so I presume, I've lost count of the trips I've done. This armor of mine serves no longer as protection, I just wear it, because it tells me my story when I'm too knocked to remember why I remain standing. The holes and dents in it are like graffiti by attempts on my life. Though always with an intent to put me down, this graffiti is no sign of hatred. Sometimes I caress all those cracks like they were my children. Once they mature, my punch grows stronger and I grow more relentless. The same attack will never work twice, and every failed attack is part of the legacy that will prove my immortality.

There is no hope. There is no wish, there is no goal. There is no reason. There is just now, me and that little air in my lungs. With every breath I die again to be reborn with the next one. I don't remember who I used to be, and I will not regret having lost that form of me. I die every day, ten-thousand times. My heart beats for the moment. And when it will stop, and it will stop, of that I am as certain as the fact that I am alive now, I will never look back. I will never regret.

Edited by destoroyah
I can't count entries.
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Posted

I think you have same superpower I do: knowing how stand back up and charge the enemy again after getting your ass beat. It's grit, and grit is enough.

"As long as you can still grab a breath, you fight. You breathe... keep breathing." -Hugh Glass, The Revenant

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Posted (edited)

Yea, but I'm also good at crawling and poking their asses from below.

 

You're a nice guy, so many nice words, I can't even treat them all with respect - it's depleted!

 

EDIT: All this talk about falling, getting back up and fighting can leave one in the warriors cage. I need to broaden my horizon, but fuck, it's all clouded because of the exams! I hope I can let go of this war-drumming attitude soon...

Edited by destoroyah
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Posted

 hope I can let go of this war-drumming attitude soon...

Or change the rythm so you enjoy it. That is what I'm working towards. :)  It's nice to read your journal again, although I don't quite have the compliments Pierce does haha. 

Good luck further. 

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...although I don't quite have the compliments Pierce does haha. 

Ah! I need to be more careful what i say!

psh... people! 

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Posted (edited)

ENTRY 13 - DAY 22:

Eurgh. I'm fucked. Under a lot of pressure. My cold has mutated into a nasty cough and everything is cold. I perceive the outside world through my window like an alternate dimension. Everything is fucked, I got so much pressure, but the outside looks so calm. I'm in this shit not because I wanted it, I'm in it because I chose it. And I chose it because I had to choose between stuff I don't like. And if I'd ever back out, which I can't, I might as well jump off a cliff, everyone would be like "oh, you don't have what it takes. You chose this, and now you're backing out.".

Just 3 more days... and then... well nothing, working again and listening to complaints on another level. What the fuck has my life become? All this fucking work. All this catching up to do, because I was playing games and shit. And now that I'm starting to get a grip, there's like fucking nothing good about it. Nothing positive at all in my life. Like seriously, I can't explain why I don't have depressions yet, because that would be normal.

Yea, go to a doctor and tell him "I don't have depressions, but in my state I should have. What's wrong with me? sob sob sob". You've finally awoke... look, everything has gone to hell, probably you'd die, before your done fixing it. Why the sad face? Feeling alone? Have a cookie. Have as many cookies as you like, have even more cookies if you don't like cookies and now get to fucking work. No one gives a shit, even if you die. Hope is a lie.

So tired. Just let me sleep... sleep... My left eyeball is under pressure, the skin on my nose is dried up from all the tissues I'm using - that's like half a liter of mucus per day or something. My head is so heavy and everything is fucked. I'm writing the first exam tomorrow, I'll pass it, if I manage to wake up and score 16%. I've prepared to score about 70-80%. It's easy. And if I ever say that it's easy, people all over me sayin "don't call things easy" "never say never", "you should have more respect" "always doing the bare minimum". FUCK YOU! It's like in the movie Office Space or something.

The second exam is on the ninth, 2 days after the first, and that's what I'm studying for right now. If I'd write it right now, I could get like 20% max. It's hopeless, the sickness robbed like 3 days and I was busy working one of them. And FUCK! I know I should've started earlier, but it wasn't like I was jiggling my balls. Everybodies pissing on my feet looking for attention. "I'm so special" "I'm so good looking" "I can do it all better", yea. Well fuck you. I'm not surprised that I've had to suppress the urge to punch people in the face.

And whenever I call someone a fucking retard, they come up on me and say shit like "oh that's not nice" "all humans are of equally intelligence at the core", "you have to respect everyone". Yea. Whatever. Is there a sentence in your minds that you've not heard somewhere else before? All your parts in conversations sound like deja vus!!

And then they wanna have discussions with me, because, I don't know. They think I'd have something smart or interesting to say. Well, I don't. I don't give a shit about being smart or interesting or what-the-fuck ever your inferiority complex interprets into me.

Don't mind me. Immature ramblings, I just had to vent some steam, because I just took 3 hours of learning and FUCKED IT.

 

Skull.thumb.jpg.4cffff5c65db4b49c1d5a1eb

 

"Today is a good day to die."

-Trolls from WarCraft II

 

PS: I miss playing Brutal Doom: Project Brutality while listening to Slayer

Edited by destoroyah
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Posted

Hang in there, you've got this.

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Posted

I love the agression. It will drag you through. You'll do just fine man! Good luck

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You said it before: you're still deadly even when you're crawling on the ground. Make the world pay for every inch of ground it tries to take from you. It made a grave mistake when it thought that sickness would break your spirit.

Also I enjoyed the Office Space reference. I don't know if you've ever seen it, but I'm geeky to admit that the 1984 Conan the Barbarian is my favorite movie. The plot summary is that Arnold Schwarzenegger goes on a rampage and kills more things than he says intelligible lines in it, which is pretty much any movie ever. Anyway, there's a prayer from it that might serve you well in this situation.

Prayer-to-Crom.thumb.jpg.cae1a9eb17d2972

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