Dasvira's addiction journal and confessions (starting again...)

[Jason70]

I can already see growth from the first entry I read of yours to this one! It sounds like you are definitely making more thoughtful choices based on things like the alcohol, the waking up or the browsing! Just further adds to the fact that we do better without games.

Nice work!

Jason

[dasvira]

Thanks @Jason70 and @Pochatok! Getting social support from this community is really motivating.

 

--------------------------------

 

Did some surfing today and almost masturbated. First time was in the morning I surfed 30 min in wiki in astronomy content stuff that I have no use for. Second time was when I almost convinced myself of masturbating, I decided to open videos about no FAP (who weren't really helpful, since they were making some absurd claims about it), then I didn't resist the urge and clicked on trashy video for 15min with a chinese guy making crappy invasive questions to chinese passers by. Thankfully, no masturbation.

 

I will start counting the days I adhere to mi diet (intermitent fasting). Lost a lot of weight when I was doing it, however I became very inconsistent with it since I had my big gaming relapse. Also, counting my streak is really helpful to resist the urges I encounter in life, specially when I get a particularly long streak going.

 

WU: 5:30

Studies going fine, even if they could be better. Even if I should have managed my time better, my study was of very high quality overall.  5:14 (14pp + 5:08 of classes)

 

Good habits (consecutive days):

- Got out of my bed in less than 5min: 01

- Intermittent fasting: 01

 

Bad habits (days without):

- gaming: 21

- TV / streaming: 21

- Porn: 03 (prev. max.: 11)

- Alcohol: 03

- Unwholesome social media and internet surfing: 00 (prev. max.: 2)

[Pochatok]

Glad studies are going well! I hope you aren't focusing too much on that though; I know how good it feels to be doing excessively well in studies, but that can take up a lot of time that you could spend doing other cooool things in you life 🙂

[Mohammad]

On 12/4/2020 at 6:51 PM, dasvira said:

When I was searching a legitimate doubt on the internet about what materials I should study next, I gave in to temptation to surf in the internet forum I was seeing. The duration of this event was about 2:00. Of it, 1:30 hours was legitimate research that directed all my studies for the next week. 30min however were from surfing in a forum of my career (it may not be the worst kind of surfing, but still will count it as surfing for consistency sake). It sucks to break a streak, but on the bright side, I only surfed 30min in the last 3 days.

 

I had to go out of home in order to deal with some shitty bureaucracy and I took about 2:30 hours to get done with it.

 

I was waking up everyday at 5:30 or 6:00, and last week I got out of bed pretty quickly. This week, however, I realize that I am taking an average of 30min just to get out of bed. I want to discipline myself to get out of bed ASAP and I will start a counter about it.

 

Also I don't think I have a problem with substances. But I will talk a little about them today.

I sometimes take half a sleeping pill if, if I have an insomnia crisis usually this happened 2-3 a week, but I am 2 weeks without a crisis. my sleep improved A LOT, since I started quitting games/TV. I also restricted my caffeine consumption to a single cup in the morning.

I started drinking alcohol 1 year ago, a single glass most of nights (NEVER drinked before my 25). I never really abused it. That being said, I am quitting it coldturkey today and those are my reasoning

1. It is unhealthy (even if a glass at night won't probably do a lot of damage...)
2. I sometimes drink to reduce my anxiety.
3. It is somewhat expensive (even if I only buy cheap wine).
4. I am already addicted to loots of thing, so it doesn't seems wise to engage with one of the most addictive substances.

 

Studies are solid considering everything: 5:16 total, and I have been quite productive today.

Good habits (consecutive days):

- Got out of my bed in less than 5min: 00

 

Bad habits (days without):

- gaming: 20

- TV / streaming: 20

- Porn: 02 (prev. max.: 11)

- Alcohol: 02

- Unwholesome social media and internet surfing: 00 (prev. max.: 2)

20-days streak! that is quite a lot of progress, dasvira. Congrats.

[dasvira]

Thanks for your concer @Pochatok, but unfortunately I kind of have to study all my free time and sacrifice quite a little bit (and a lot of money...) if I wanna a shot at doing well boards and immigrating to the USA... I am already 26 yo, two years since graduation and with no residency, so there I have some sense of urgency of matching in 1-2 years. Otherwise, I will be stuck in Brazil forever...

Thanks @Mohammad!

Woke up 4:30, and I want to keep waking up at this hour everyday.

Unfortunately I mastubated in the morning, because of lack of self control. I did surf for about 1:40h in total (wiki, reddit). Time really flies when you are in the 'rabit hole'.

Studies improving: 6:38 minutes total (24pp + 5:07 of classes). I see a big improvement in my studies this week, compared to my last week.

 

I decided that from now on I will only post here once a week on sundays. I realize that I sometimes struggle to keep to my hard limit of a max of 30 min per day in this site, I can barely write my journal in time and I have to rush reading over other peoples journals. I will instead dedicate 1:30h on sundays to journaling about my week/ seeing what is going on in others journals. I will keep journaling in my private notebook however.

 

Good habits (consecutive days):

- Got out of my bed in less than 5min: 02

- Intermittent fasting: 02

 

Bad habits (days without):

- gaming: 22

- TV / streaming: 22

- Alcohol: 04

- Porn: 00 (prev. max.: 11)

- Unwholesome social media and internet surfing: 00 (prev. max.: 2)

[dasvira]

Another week passed by.

 

PORN: This week masturbated 03 times (but I was careful to be quick and efficient about it and only took <15min LOL). Honestly, I kind of quit my commitment of quitting porn during some days and started to "cut corners". At least I fap quickly once a day, my lust is satiated and don't bother for the entire day, which is not true about TV/Games/surfing/food because once I have a little taste of it I always want more and waste my entire day hooked on that kind of shit...

As I said a few days ago, I don't think porn affect my life in the same way that my addiction to technology does. However, I journaled how I felt and I still think that porn doesn't really make me any good. I reckon that I feel sleepy and sad just after ejaculating. I am not sure how honest I am being about my commitment to quit porn, but I will at least keep journaling about my porn habits. I am considering joining NoFap.

 

CAFFEINE: I tried to quit caffeine coldturkey (I had already reduced my consumption of it by half), as I result I felt like a complete zombie on Monday and Tuesday and I did basically nothing on those days and only studied for 1-2 hours. I can't really afford an entire week only to detox, so I cut my caffeine consumption by about 30-50% at morning (I had already reduced it by 50% to only a big mug at morning two weeks ago, so I only consuming 25-35% as much caffeine as I used to before I started journaling this month). I am not sure I want to quit caffeine completely, but I still want to reduce my intake of it a little bit more.

 

DIET: I was 1,62m and 111kg at the beginning of the month. I lift weights heavy since 8 years so I have a pretty solid muscle mass, that being said I got rather fat on the last 4 years(6 months ago 42% body fat, now I would guess I am about 36% or 37%). I was already dieting on the beginning of the month an dropped to 106kg at the beginning of this week.

Early this week I started a diet based on intermittent fasting (20hours fasting - 4 hours of feeding window before gym and lunch 9:00-13:00); and ketogenic diet very low carbs (<30g), 150g of protein, fats are unrestricted though I usually keep it relatively low at around 50-70g. That is a pretty hypo-caloric diet, and while it isn't a traditional keto diet (which usually has less protein and more fats) I do some urinary keto test so and, apparently, I am in ketosis so I see no reason to change it. I pretend to fast on Sundays and only consume water and electrolytes (so I would do an almost 48h fast from Saturday to Monday).

The keto flu is REAL! I have been urinating like crazy this week and dropped 5kg mostly of water retention (from 106kg to 101kg on Friday), and I am drinking A LOT of water every day. On Friday I was starting to feel bad with nausea and malaise. I have hypertension (nothing serious) and 2 hours after I took my daily anti-hypertensive pills yesterday, I got a mild hypotensive crisis my BP=110/40 and CF=110, I vomited twice and felt really bad. After that I drunk 1L of a homemade isotonic solution of NaCl and K, took 40 min to nap and in less than an hour I was as good as new. Today I reduced my anti-hypertensive drugs and my blood pressure is normal.

 

EXERCISE: 60min of slow walking at 5:00-6:00 with my dog (unless it is raining, which happens often). 60-90min of weigh lifting 9:30-11:00.

 

SURFING: I didn't surf at all for 4 days during this week, but I still surfed in 3 days, specially yesterday that I spent 1:30 in social media.

 

OUT OF BED: Waking up 4:30, got out of bed before 4:35 3/7 days this week, in 3/7 I took a maximum of 15 min to wake up. Today I decided to sleep over to 6:00 because I will be fasting and reducing caffeine so I need to be well rested. First thing I do in the morning is wearing my wristwatch.

 

TV/Games: I realize I am now almost a full month without TV, streaming or games. I feel so much better without that kind of shit. I had absolutely no cravings for it during this week. While it is true that I have quit it before in the past and so far I have always relapsed, I feel something different now. I really believe that this will be my final and successful attempt of quitting it for good. That being said, the definitive prove will only come if I am able to hold on and not relapse.

 

READING: I finished the Enchiridion (handbook) of Epictetus and a small collection of his discourses this week, this my second reading of his handbook and I didn't enjoy it in my first read 5 years ago. Now that I am more mature I really liked it and it has some great passages (and is a quick read).

I am reading the "Heart of Buddha Teachings" by Thich Nhat Hahn for the third time. I really like this book and it was THE book who rescued me from nihilism 7 years ago. I don't agree with everything in it, but AFAIK it is the most accessible and comprehensible book of Buddhist teachings. Contrary to most monks of an Asian background, the author is quite open minded and ecumenical with other Buddhist schools and western philosophy in general. Also he preaches only what he lives himself, which I think is admirable.

 

STUDY: not terrible, but not close to my goals either. They were pretty uneven and there were days I studied for 9:00 hours and days I studied for only 1:00 (when I was in caffeine abstinence or Keto flu...). On average I studied for 4:23min everyday, using a modified pomodoro method.

 

MY IDEAL ROUTINE (MON-SAT):

4:30 wake up.

5:00-6:00 walk with my dog.

6:00-6:30: 30min reading

6:30-6:50: 20min meditation.

40 min of tolerance because I am not a machine

7:30-9:00: study.

9:00 - 11:00: PW meal (25g of protein, from tuna, egg or cheese). Weight lifting.

11:00-12:30: lunch.

until 20:30-21:00: study (I take a 20 min nap after my first 30 min study session).

 

I pretend to stick to this routine during my next week.

 

Good habits (consecutive days):

- Got out of my bed in less than 5min: 00 (prev. max:04)

- Diet: 04

 

Bad habits (days without):

- gaming: 28

- TV / streaming: 28

- Alcohol: 10

- Porn: 01 (prev. max.: 11)

- Unwholesome social media and internet surfing: 00 (prev. max.: 3)

[championeal]

17 hours ago, dasvira said:

I am reading the "Heart of Buddha Teachings" by Thich Nhat Hahn for the third time. I really like this book and it was THE book who rescued me from nihilism 7 years ago. I don't agree with everything in it, but AFAIK it is the most accessible and comprehensible book of Buddhist teachings. Contrary to most monks of an Asian background, the author is quite open minded and ecumenical with other Buddhist schools and western philosophy in general. Also he preaches only what he lives himself, which I think is admirable.

Good stuff. I like Thich Nhat Hahn's books as well for similar reasons, the open mindedness and accessibility of the teachings. How I usually find new books is just to read everything by an author that I like. So, if you really connected with that book, I definitely recommend the other ones.

[Mohammad]

On 12/13/2020 at 7:37 AM, dasvira said:

Another week passed by.

 

PORN: This week masturbated 03 times (but I was careful to be quick and efficient about it and only took <15min LOL). Honestly, I kind of quit my commitment of quitting porn during some days and started to "cut corners". At least I fap quickly once a day, my lust is satiated and don't bother for the entire day, which is not true about TV/Games/surfing/food because once I have a little taste of it I always want more and waste my entire day hooked on that kind of shit...

As I said a few days ago, I don't think porn affect my life in the same way that my addiction to technology does. However, I journaled how I felt and I still think that porn doesn't really make me any good. I reckon that I feel sleepy and sad just after ejaculating. I am not sure how honest I am being about my commitment to quit porn, but I will at least keep journaling about my porn habits. I am considering joining NoFap.

 

CAFFEINE: I tried to quit caffeine coldturkey (I had already reduced my consumption of it by half), as I result I felt like a complete zombie on Monday and Tuesday and I did basically nothing on those days and only studied for 1-2 hours. I can't really afford an entire week only to detox, so I cut my caffeine consumption by about 30-50% at morning (I had already reduced it by 50% to only a big mug at morning two weeks ago, so I only consuming 25-35% as much caffeine as I used to before I started journaling this month). I am not sure I want to quit caffeine completely, but I still want to reduce my intake of it a little bit more.

 

DIET: I was 1,62m and 111kg at the beginning of the month. I lift weights heavy since 8 years so I have a pretty solid muscle mass, that being said I got rather fat on the last 4 years(6 months ago 42% body fat, now I would guess I am about 36% or 37%). I was already dieting on the beginning of the month an dropped to 106kg at the beginning of this week.

Early this week I started a diet based on intermittent fasting (20hours fasting - 4 hours of feeding window before gym and lunch 9:00-13:00); and ketogenic diet very low carbs (<30g), 150g of protein, fats are unrestricted though I usually keep it relatively low at around 50-70g. That is a pretty hypo-caloric diet, and while it isn't a traditional keto diet (which usually has less protein and more fats) I do some urinary keto test so and, apparently, I am in ketosis so I see no reason to change it. I pretend to fast on Sundays and only consume water and electrolytes (so I would do an almost 48h fast from Saturday to Monday).

The keto flu is REAL! I have been urinating like crazy this week and dropped 5kg mostly of water retention (from 106kg to 101kg on Friday), and I am drinking A LOT of water every day. On Friday I was starting to feel bad with nausea and malaise. I have hypertension (nothing serious) and 2 hours after I took my daily anti-hypertensive pills yesterday, I got a mild hypotensive crisis my BP=110/40 and CF=110, I vomited twice and felt really bad. After that I drunk 1L of a homemade isotonic solution of NaCl and K, took 40 min to nap and in less than an hour I was as good as new. Today I reduced my anti-hypertensive drugs and my blood pressure is normal.

 

EXERCISE: 60min of slow walking at 5:00-6:00 with my dog (unless it is raining, which happens often). 60-90min of weigh lifting 9:30-11:00.

 

SURFING: I didn't surf at all for 4 days during this week, but I still surfed in 3 days, specially yesterday that I spent 1:30 in social media.

 

OUT OF BED: Waking up 4:30, got out of bed before 4:35 3/7 days this week, in 3/7 I took a maximum of 15 min to wake up. Today I decided to sleep over to 6:00 because I will be fasting and reducing caffeine so I need to be well rested. First thing I do in the morning is wearing my wristwatch.

 

TV/Games: I realize I am now almost a full month without TV, streaming or games. I feel so much better without that kind of shit. I had absolutely no cravings for it during this week. While it is true that I have quit it before in the past and so far I have always relapsed, I feel something different now. I really believe that this will be my final and successful attempt of quitting it for good. That being said, the definitive prove will only come if I am able to hold on and not relapse.

 

READING: I finished the Enchiridion (handbook) of Epictetus and a small collection of his discourses this week, this my second reading of his handbook and I didn't enjoy it in my first read 5 years ago. Now that I am more mature I really liked it and it has some great passages (and is a quick read).

I am reading the "Heart of Buddha Teachings" by Thich Nhat Hahn for the third time. I really like this book and it was THE book who rescued me from nihilism 7 years ago. I don't agree with everything in it, but AFAIK it is the most accessible and comprehensible book of Buddhist teachings. Contrary to most monks of an Asian background, the author is quite open minded and ecumenical with other Buddhist schools and western philosophy in general. Also he preaches only what he lives himself, which I think is admirable.

 

STUDY: not terrible, but not close to my goals either. They were pretty uneven and there were days I studied for 9:00 hours and days I studied for only 1:00 (when I was in caffeine abstinence or Keto flu...). On average I studied for 4:23min everyday, using a modified pomodoro method.

 

MY IDEAL ROUTINE (MON-SAT):

4:30 wake up.

5:00-6:00 walk with my dog.

6:00-6:30: 30min reading

6:30-6:50: 20min meditation.

40 min of tolerance because I am not a machine

7:30-9:00: study.

9:00 - 11:00: PW meal (25g of protein, from tuna, egg or cheese). Weight lifting.

11:00-12:30: lunch.

until 20:30-21:00: study (I take a 20 min nap after my first 30 min study session).

 

I pretend to stick to this routine during my next week.

 

Good habits (consecutive days):

- Got out of my bed in less than 5min: 00 (prev. max:04)

- Diet: 04

 

Bad habits (days without):

- gaming: 28

- TV / streaming: 28

- Alcohol: 10

- Porn: 01 (prev. max.: 11)

- Unwholesome social media and internet surfing: 00 (prev. max.: 3)

Good job @dasvira! very comprehensive writings. 

[dasvira]

Another week goes by.

I have been studying most of the time (stopped counting, but at a minimum of 11h every single day, apart from today), even if that meant that I wouldn't exercise/read/meditate/journaling on a day. My studying are going very well, but my mental health not so much... I am not sure it is sustainable in the long run to study this much. I kept internet surfing to a minimum (I spent 05 consecutive days without any surfing), but I saw porn twice along the week...

Yesterday however I drank like half a bottle of wine (mainly due of stress I think) and saw porn afterwards. I overslept until 6:30 today, saw porn in the morning and have been surfing on reddit literally the entire day, started to see some streams of cyberpunk 2077 and felt an enormous urge to play it (thank god my steam account is deleted FOREVER). I even thought about abandoning this journal, but I feel like being held accountable makes me live more responsibly.

 

I found that my previous diet was bat-shit-crazy restrictive and I wouldn't be able to continue it in the long run. I am following a simple 1500kcal diet (and I don't eat anything with I pass that threshold). Stuck to it everyday with the exeption of today. I am 100,1kg (-1,1kg this week).

 

 

PLANNED ROUTINE (MON-SAT):

4:30 wake up.

5:00-6:00 walk with my dog.

6:00-6:30: 20-40min reading (alternate days)

6:30-6:50: 20min meditation.

TOLERANCE

7:30-9:00: study.

9:00 - 11:00: PW meal (25g of protein, from tuna, egg or cheese). Weight lifting.

11:00-12:30: lunch.

until 20:30-21:00: study (I take a 20 min nap after my first 30 min study session). Dinner in between at 17:00 or so.

 

Good habits (consecutive days):

- Got out of my bed in less than 5min: 00 (prev. max: 05)

- Diet: 00 (prev max 12)

 

Bad habits (days without):

- gaming: 35

- TV / streaming: 35

- Alcohol: 0 (prev max 16)

- Porn: 01 (prev. max.: 11)

- Unwholesome social media and internet surfing: 00 (prev. max.: 5)

[dasvira]

@championeal From Thich Nhat Hanh I only read this book and "Blue Sky White Clouds", do you recommend any of his book specially?

[Mohammad]

On 12/20/2020 at 3:45 PM, dasvira said:

Another week goes by.

I have been studying most of the time (stopped counting, but at a minimum of 11h every single day, apart from today), even if that meant that I wouldn't exercise/read/meditate/journaling on a day. My studying are going very well, but my mental health not so much... I am not sure it is sustainable in the long run to study this much. I kept internet surfing to a minimum (I spent 05 consecutive days without any surfing), but I saw porn twice along the week...

Yesterday however I drank like half a bottle of wine (mainly due of stress I think) and saw porn afterwards. I overslept until 6:30 today, saw porn in the morning and have been surfing on reddit literally the entire day, started to see some streams of cyberpunk 2077 and felt an enormous urge to play it (thank god my steam account is deleted FOREVER). I even thought about abandoning this journal, but I feel like being held accountable makes me live more responsibly.

 

I found that my previous diet was bat-shit-crazy restrictive and I wouldn't be able to continue it in the long run. I am following a simple 1500kcal diet (and I don't eat anything with I pass that threshold). Stuck to it everyday with the exeption of today. I am 100,1kg (-1,1kg this week).

 

 

PLANNED ROUTINE (MON-SAT):

4:30 wake up.

5:00-6:00 walk with my dog.

6:00-6:30: 20-40min reading (alternate days)

6:30-6:50: 20min meditation.

TOLERANCE

7:30-9:00: study.

9:00 - 11:00: PW meal (25g of protein, from tuna, egg or cheese). Weight lifting.

11:00-12:30: lunch.

until 20:30-21:00: study (I take a 20 min nap after my first 30 min study session). Dinner in between at 17:00 or so.

 

Good habits (consecutive days):

- Got out of my bed in less than 5min: 00 (prev. max: 05)

- Diet: 00 (prev max 12)

 

Bad habits (days without):

- gaming: 35

- TV / streaming: 35

- Alcohol: 0 (prev max 16)

- Porn: 01 (prev. max.: 11)

- Unwholesome social media and internet surfing: 00 (prev. max.: 5)

11 hours of studying is a bit too much for me! I prefer to have at max 6-8 hours of focused work and spend at least a few hours on reading, exercising, etc every day. I believe persistence is the key to success. 11 hours may not be sustainable in the long run unless you are like Elon Musk!

 

That you came along without gaming for 35 days is fantastic. Good job.

 

[dasvira]

Massive relapse between Christmas and new year.

I gamed all the time from Christmas to now. Started playing videogames (cyberpunk+red dead redemption) with my cousins and I got totally hooked on it. I downloaded that shit in my PC and I was playing videogames all the time until Sunday, then I binged in the expanse season 5. If I was not watching shows or playing games I was surfing on Reddit or watching YouTube videos.

I also drank wine and saw porn most of the days, and was waking up almost at midday most of the time. I simply gave up on my life during this last week.

I actually planned leaving this forum for good. However, here I am again restarting my journey to get rid of my addictions hopping for a better outcome this time.

Edited January 4, 2021 by dasvira

[Mohammad]

8 hours ago, dasvira said:

Massive relapse between Christmas and new year.

I gamed all the time from Christmas to now. Started playing videogames (cyberpunk+red dead redemption) with my cousins and I got totally hooked on it. I downloaded that shit in my PC and I was playing videogames all the time until Sunday, then I binged in the expanse season 5. If I was not watching shows or playing games I was surfing on Reddit or watching YouTube videos.

I also drank wine and saw porn most of the days, and was waking up almost at midday most of the time. I simply gave up on my life during this last week.

I actually planned leaving this forum for good. However, here I am again restarting my journey to get rid of my addictions hopping for a better outcome this time.

Just like me. I was hooked on the break too! I am happy you came back here again.

[dasvira]

Hello again everyone. I am back after a big relapse. I stopped this forum after new year because I was frustrated and ashamed from my relapse. And I apologize for simply leaving the forum without saying goodbye.

I tried to go no gaming just by myself and did hold to it for a few weeks. But last month I started playing hearts of iron IV, just pirated it because I deleted my steam account and I am gaming pretty much all the time I am not working (sometimes till 04am). It affected my studies during February by a lot.

Well, time to start again.

Days without

gaming: 00

Edited February 26, 2021 by dasvira

[dasvira]

00 DAYS WITHOUT GAMING.