A day at a time - Panda's daily journal

[Arthur]

Quote

For games, didn't play at all, however, without thinking I typed mario kart in the search bar, but didnt search it and erased it immediately. I also had the thoughts of Animal Crossing but didnt play. 

I remember when I was at the start of my journey, I had moments I would write similar things in search engines - "twitch" for example, and then closed my tabs. It's just the unconscious wiring we need to get over. It stopped happening after a month or so.

Don't overthink your "I focus on others except on myself", because - paradoxically, that's a bad type of self-focus. Be kind to yourself, we all have our faults we need to work on, and try to channel your energy on your obligations and goals first. Good luck in school.

Edited September 10, 2020 by gargamel

[royal panda]

@gargamel Yeah I understand your point. It is bad to only focus in on yourself. However, I do need to accept myself and not be so interested in what people who aren't my friends are talking about. Although, I need to make sure I don't overdue it because being self-centered is bad. Also thanks!

Day 9 of overcoming game addiction: 

As I said before I am only doing morning journals because school. Nothing really to say, havent played games yet and getting ready for my senior year of high school, i am a bit nervous about the college process with covid

Hoping for a good day at school. With school I will still try and work on goals

[TheNewMe2.0]

like gargamel said, it's easy when you're focusing on others to forget what you need to do. Make sure you're passing your classes and taking care of your health etc. You're in a place with a lot of opportunity go to a good college and do well in your major. Good luck.

[royal panda]

20 hours ago, Erik2.0 said:

like gargamel said, it's easy when you're focusing on others to forget what you need to do. Make sure you're passing your classes and taking care of your health etc. You're in a place with a lot of opportunity go to a good college and do well in your major. Good luck.

Yeah health is important, also thanks!

Day 10 of overcoming video game addiction: 

Woke up at 4 and wasn't feeling like doing anything yet I persisted on and after listening to a podcast episode and reading, I feel as my life opened up. Anyway, no games yet, hope to keep it that way. 

For school yesterday I enjoyed all my classes and my teachers are all nice. I also actually enjoy the classmates I have. Compared to last year, there are less troublemakers. So that's good. 

One of my goals is to accept all people no matter their background or personality. Like I accept LGBTQ+'s Blacks, Asians, any race but not all personalities and I wanna be able to do that even if the person is seen as annoying

Anyway, School time now.

Edited September 11, 2020 by royal panda

[TheNewMe2.0]

That's a noble intention to accept all peoples. I think that's good. And wonderful that your teachers are all nice. That helps a lot.

[royal panda]

Day 11 of overcoming video game addiction: 

 

Life is going good. I have a newfound motivation, and that's the girl. While I obviously am not with her yet, I think if I use her as my motivation for the time being then I think I might enjoy long term goals more, as i am still wanting the short easy dopamine from games. I know that using someone else as a motivation is a bad thing, and being crush/boyfriend/girlfriend centered is bad, I think for now until I reach at least one of my goals, it will be fine. I just need to keep checking in with myself during it.

No games, however yesterday, I did listen to music from games.

Going to a college visit on campus today, hope everyone has a good weekend.

Edited September 12, 2020 by royal panda

[royal panda]

Day 13  of overcoming video game addiction:

 

Sorry I didn't journal yesterday, wifi was slow, wifi is still slow. Anyway, no games yesterday.

For life instead of forcing myself to do things I am going to just go with the day, live with the present and see what happens. And do things I know, make me happy, that isnt games. Still wanna make new hobbies though.

Have a good day!

[royal panda]

Day 14 of overcoming video game addiction:

Nothing much to say besides a few changes to my life. 
 

For one, instead of using an alarm clock, I just am going to let myself wake up naturally. I feel like when I use an alarm my body feels forced and then doesn't want to wake up. Also related to that, I found out that excuses are what's holding me back right now. Yet, i don't know how to eliminate them. So I am struggling in that area. 

No games per usual, See y'all tomorrow if my wifi isn't bad

[royal panda]

Day 15 of overcoming video game addiction:

Good morning, 

I will start writing what I did yesterday for my morning journals.

Yesterday in terms of games, I relapsed and gamed. It was a mobile game yet I still played. I feel ashamed for myself for it. If I didn't play today would've been day 13. But I don't know if that means I have to restart the detox? I'm pretty sure it does but I am not sure as again, I use the word addiction in these entries as a blanket term per se. My "addiction to games wasn't really an addiction. 

On a more positive note however, I did complete all of my homework by the due date. Also I found some more hobbies I want to practice. Some of these include: Cardistry, Magic, drawing, palmistry etc. I am excited to try all of these out. Another thing I noticed is that I feel like I am being strict with my brain, thus making it fixed. One of my long term goals is an open mindset. However, in terms of my self improvement I am making it seem like there's only one right way to do things, when there isn't. I also think I am trying to strive for perfection, when that's impossible, though I am working on loving myself for who I am flaws and all. But with it I think my mind is being fixed on that idea and agreeing with it so yeah.

The first hobby I am going to practice is drawing.

See you later

[royal panda]

Day 16 of overcoming video game addiction:
 

Yesterday was a better day. Finished all my homework, did some outside stuff and I felt overall happier not forcing myself to do things, but instead consciously doing them in the present. That happiness is still felt today, despite my allergies acting up. I unfortunately didn't get to drawing due to homework but that was fine with me, we have today.

I have noticed myself being more grateful for the little things instead of taking them for granted. For example, the planet, life, the ability to be breathing right now, my family etc. It's nice and it's something I've wanted to do for a while.

Something I also noticed in terms of my speaking skills is I talk too fast and the result is me tripping over my words. I do this because I wanna get it over with but I shouldn't also speaking slower gives the listener emotion. So I've been trying to slow it down and not use filler words.

No games yesterday, besides work I actually attempted to not use my phone or music all day, I was successful!

Anyway, I hope y'all have a good day today!

[royal panda]

Day 17 of overcoming video game addiction: 

Good morning,

I don't have much time to write as woke up late and I have school but yesterday I played no games, and today I am going to try and focus on one task for a period as yesterday I kind of did. 

Anyway see you

[royal panda]

Day 18 of overcoming video game addiction: 

Detox day 3

It's been 3 days since I restarted my detox. For some reason I am facing hints of loneliness I don't know why this is. I am seeing my friends today, and I actually have a pretty good group of friends. Just I don't know I feel lost. Not lost in a sad way but just stuck, I am thinking maybe it's cause I have stopped limiting myself but I don't know. I do know I want to explore, yet without a driver's license or a job, that's kind of hard. I also wanna be experimental in my education. As I want to learn about technology, engineering things, something in the business area, psychology, art, english, and I want to work hard at Latin, the language I take at school. This is all great but I still don't know what I am feeling.

No games yesterday, I loved yesterday. I have been enjoying school, yesterday continued that, I finished my homework, just a few more things I can get this weekend. I packed for my hike today, and I got to drawing! Just based after what I learned from the 1 and a half videos I watched, I know I have the talent to draw. This combats my past always saying "I am bad at drawing." Also yesterday, on spotify I made a playlist for songs I love listening to, thats after work though. Besides all this, I am still struggling to put my phone down 1 or 2 hours before bed. Any tips on that?

I don't know for today, with what I am feeling, but I will push through. Have a good one

[royal panda]

Day 19 of overcoming video game addiction 

Detox day 4 

although this is a evening journal, it's a weekend, so I have time. 

I ended my self-improvement journey yesterday as I am at my best self. I am happy and I love life and I appreciate myself more. So there's no need to improve further. However, I am not stopping my learning and experiences. 

Despite that I didn't like today. I didn't play any games but I did watch a lot of youtube. I was trying to think of what youtubers I could consistently watch besides the ones i kept when I unsubscribed from a lot of youtubers. But I realized just a few minutes ago that I don't.  If there is no purpose for me watching youtube, then why have the app on my phone? Of course I would use it for education if school requires it and for hobby things. I can just use the site for that though. So yeah I hope I have a better day tomorrow.

Hope y'all are doing well. 

[Bird By Bird]

I use the UnDistracted extension to moderate my Youtube use.

It lets you watch Youtube but gives you the option to block or unblock "comments", "watch next", and "recommended videos".

https://chrome.google.com/webstore/detail/undistracted/pjjgklgkfeoeiebjogplpnibpfnffkng?hl=en

Try it and let me know if it works for you.

There must be something like this for your phone but I'm not sure.

Edited September 21, 2020 by Bird By Bird

[royal panda]

@Bird By Bird looks like it works well thanks for the suggestion

Alright so I am changing up my journal style a bit.

Day 20 of overcoming video game addiction - morning:

What I want to get done today: 

Clean room,

work on drawing,

Study for math quiz

work on college essay 

 

Goal for today:

Pick back up and keep old habits

 

Today is game detox day 5

Junk food detox day 1

and phone detox day 1

 

[royal panda]

Day 20 of overcoming video game addiction - afternoon:

 

What I got done today: 

Studied for math 

Worked on College essay 

(2/4)

 

Did I accomplish my goal?

Somewhat, I picked back up exercising and soon I am going to read before bed, I also picked Journaling in my physical journal so yeah.

 

Detoxes: 

Gaming Detox: No games today 😄

Soda detox: No soda 

Junk food detox: I had 2 brownies but I had more healthy choices for food today

 

Overall thought: 

Today was alright, I did my homework and had a good day at online school, but I only got 2 of the 4 things I wanted to do today so it was half and half. I am kind of upset though. I want to explore the world, I want to go places, I want to travel and visit places I have never been, try new foods, try new things and meet new people. But with the virus still going on and again, needing more practice before my driving test, there's not much I can do. I can start off with learning new languages once I go to those places but other than that I am stuck. Also where I live, there's not much around that isn't just a walk or bike away. There's like one hiking trail, and I've been on it many times so yeah. I just don't know how I can do exciting or amazing things while COVID is still going.

[BooksandTrees]

2 hours ago, royal panda said:

Today was alright, I did my homework and had a good day at online school, but I only got 2 of the 4 things I wanted to do today so it was half and half. I am kind of upset though. I want to explore the world, I want to go places, I want to travel and visit places I have never been, try new foods, try new things and meet new people. But with the virus still going on and again, needing more practice before my driving test, there's not much I can do. I can start off with learning new languages once I go to those places but other than that I am stuck. Also where I live, there's not much around that isn't just a walk or bike away. There's like one hiking trail, and I've been on it many times so yeah. I just don't know how I can do exciting or amazing things while COVID is still going.

The time to study is now and the time to travel will come again. Make use of your time to study now so that when you are free to travel you have less distractions, responsibilities, and burdens. The work you're doing now is an investment in your future so you have a better life. Keep going.

[TheNewMe2.0]

True there's only so much we can do during covid. It's a limiting situation. All we can do is make the best of what we have. My student loan interest is being stalled thanks to covid so I'm able to save money towards paying off my loans now which is great. Honestly I spent most of my time at home so covid isn't really much of a change for me aside from having to wear a mask all the time. I may go on a cruise at the end of the year. Maybe you could go on a cruise too. Idk. Travel is slowly going to open back up. Be patient and do what you can to pass the time.

[royal panda]

I didn't just wake up I just had to start classes right away.

Day 21 of overcoming video game addiction: 

 

My goals for today:

Clean room, 

draw, 

exercise, 

start Jiu Jitsu

 

Today is game detox day 6

soda detox day 2

Junk food detox day 2

 

Also no I didn't wake up  late I just have had classes.

 

@BooksandTrees @TheNewMe2.0 Yeah  youre both right, better to do what I can do now and later on traveling will get back. It's just sometimes you miss it. But it will come back. However, I still want to do something great and exciting each day, with COVID and I am unsure what I could do.

[royal panda]

Day 21 of overcoming video game addiction - afternoon:

 

What goals did I complete? 

I cleaned my room

I exercised

(2/4)

 

Detoxes: 

Video game detox: Success no games today

Soda detox: Success

Junk food detox: had 5 pumpkin cookies and another brownie 😞 I am sad because of it. But it's hard as shit to do when your mom keeps making them anyways 😠 

Phone detox: Success, only turned on my phone to submit some work for school but that's it. 

 

Overall thoughts today:

 

Although I only got 2/4 things on my to do list done I liked today. I finished my school work which is always satisfying, I went out on a hiking trail I never went on before, (only a walk away), I wish I could've walked it longer but some lady had her hostile dog with her and was complaining so I felt rushed. (-_-) The detoxes went well except for junk food. Which again is hard as hell to do when your mom makes them without conscience thinking people would like them and then getting upset when no one eats them, (my family is all trying to eat healthier and my mom knows that but still for some reason she makes treats and then gets upset we don't eat them when she knows we're trying to be healthier in our eating choices). I don't want her to feel upset. But other than those really small things today was fine.

[royal panda]

Day 22 

 

Today is Game detox day 7 

Soda and Junk food detox: day 3

Phone detox day 3

 

Goals for today: 

My goal is to enjoy every moment and not stress whether I completed what I want to get done. I do everything for a reason. Today, I want to complete my work, crack down on college things, draw and start meditating. 

 

Morning thoughts:

I don't know what it is about today. Maybe nothing at all, but I feel like I am completely in control of  my life. Neither the Spotify symbol or my phone or anything that would generally be a distraction for me is distracting me. On top of that i have discovered some things that give me dopamine, that is thinking about college, exploring nature, hiking/walking, drawing and exercising. But i don't know what this feeling is, I just feel free.

[TheNewMe2.0]

That sucks about your moms treats. Sometimes people can be kind of clueless like that. My mom was like 'why don't you just move out and rent a place.' And I was like, mom I got 9 hours of work at my job just two weeks ago, I don't have money like that.

[royal panda]

I am fucking falling apart again. Negative thoughts are back I am completely drained, I am not finding work fun, I mean people wouldn't but I am not enjoying it. Just everything is falling apart. I said I felt like I was in control during the morning but that slowly deteriorated throughout the day. Like I know I will fail, and there will be rough moments, but how am I supposed to complete shit when you live with a family who just is a balanced diet family but still eats a lot of junk, drinks soda, plays games. I just have everything I am trying to get rid of right in my family. Both my dad and brothers play video games, my mom buys junk left and right and due to our income it's easy for her to say "Oh lets get McDonalds or Wendy's" like every 2 fucking weeks. And on top of that my dad insists that we drink Pepsi because it's the company he used to work for and Pepsi is strict that you dont use other products. How are you supposed to expect me not to fail?! I just want freedom but that's hard when everyone around you is just a big fucking consumer of things you want to restrict and you don't have a job yet, so you're not making money, you don't want to just take from your parents income even with asking, so you can't get your own place, and you dont have a license yet. I just don't know what to do. 

Furthermore, I am struggling with waking up early, it's getting dark at 5 AM/6 AM, and being focused and just enjoying every second

I wish I could not use my computer or phone and just go about my day, but nothing but two hiking trails are near me. Besides that there's nothing to do, and with school, I can't do much if school is on the fucking computer. I just want to be free and live my life still under my parents guidance but again my whole family, with good eating habits is going into things I don't want. I can't control that, but I don't know how to control my reactions towards it when they literally say, "Hey there's a Pepsi waiting for you." "Hey McDonalds is near here." "Hey a new animal crossing game came out." Like shut the hell up. Like I love them but why can't they accept that I've changed and I don't want that shit anymore. I just don't know how I am supposed to escape this hell with all these outside sources. 

 For the money issue, I say this because back when I was in the height of my depression and games were my escape, I realized I had a debit card, so I thought well I have this I can buy games off the Nintendo E-Shop. So I did. I don't remember what the first game I bought was, but I just kept buying. Then 2 weeks before Christmas 2018/19 (don't remember year), I had games I wanted and since I had a debit card I bought them. I bought Pokemon Lets Go Pikachu, NBA 2K 19/20, Smash Ultimate, and Super Mario Party, all of those were in the $50-$60 range, and I bought them, thinking I was getting entertainment for free because my thinking was, "my parents can just add back on, we're rich" and yes we are richer than most but we still need to be wary of how much money we use, and I just blew all mine off. In that same year I bought like 10 Tier 1 subscriptions on Twitch, and A better version of Discord Nitro came out so I bought that too. On top of that, I had a Spotify Premium subscription, I had NBA and NHL app league passes which means I could see any game, I had Disney + and it was just mess. Oh yeah I also had Nitro boosted a server twice on discord which costs money. I kept blowing it all away, and like every month my parents had to keep adding keep adding keep adding. My worst month wasn't the weeks before that Christmas, no no, the worst was this past February or March where I still had Nitro boosting and Discord Nitro, I had 5 Twitch subscriptions, I had Spotify Premium, now I had Netflix, but I no longer had the NHL/NBA league passes or Disney +, and with this and another thing I bought I blew through the $200 I had on my account in a MONTH. What did I exactly buy? Well even though we already had it on the Wii U, I wanted it on my Switch. I bought Breath of the Wild, even though I could already play it. It was $50, but those subscriptions kept eating at my money. On top of that, Smash Ultimate DLC came out sooo yeah. I was confronted and now I am better at managing my money but still. 

Yet now it's the other way around, my parents and brothers aren't as bad as I am but they all have jobs and stable amounts of money so yeah. They're still big consumers though.

This rant made me a lot better, I just don't know how I can complete these detoxes with all this around me, and by the way, I did relapse both to games and junk food already was there so yeah.

Thanks for reading this, I think i am going to check on tomorrow to see if anyone has any advice and then just take it easy and see if I can make it through a day of school. Doesn't help me that in Math I have a quiz tomorrow and a college thing but I'll figure it out. Then for the rest of the days, I guess I'll be recovering idk something like that. Just so you know no suicidal thoughts happened when this happened. I guess I am just for now, going to take a shower, get into comfy Pajamas, and then start rewatching the Phineas and Ferb series, then read meditate and Journal in my physical Journal. I don't think I'll get to my drawing today, I need to take it easy. Then after that I think I'll get an early sleep. See you whenever I return to journal again.

[Arthur]

Hey @royal panda, it's normal to have days of struggle. You are still in your first month, pls be patient and kind towards yourself. 

I totally understand your predicament. My family isn't much into consumerism but they don't live healthy and they are really negative people with difficult personalities so I understand in my own way what you are going through. I'm not sure if this will make sense to you - but I think love wins. I think the best way to struggle through negative influences on you is to remind yourself every morning that you love those people, but that you also love yourself and it's ok to go your own way. Yes, they are consumers, yes they are a bad influence, but you are your own person and you need to find strength to simply say no and proceed with your day. Don't fight them, and don't explain yourself. Just say "this is what I choose for myself" and that's it. Try to isolate yourself from them as much as possible, at least when they are playing games or whatever. 

In the early days of your detox it's normal to find yourself bored with nothing to do, and that's ok. Boredom isn't that bad, it really isn't. Life is a marathon, things need time. It's totally fine if even the next couple months are boring, it will pass sooner than you think and things will become interesting for sure. Your brain needs to readjust, it needs to detox. 

Sending love your way, and I wish you good luck

Edited September 24, 2020 by gargamel

[Bird By Bird]

Your environment is tough. I did so much better when I was on my own than with my family. If only I didn't have game addiction back then, oh well. Eventually, things will change and your environment will get better either by miracle or by you moving.

Psychology can be so stupid when they try to treat individuals and ignore the social problem.