Jump to content
×
×
  • Create New...

In love with, but can no longer handle my husbands addiction.


MandyPandy
 Share

Recommended Posts

Hello, 

This is the first time reaching out to a network of people. If I am being honest i'm not sure what i'm looking for by doing this. Here's what I do know, My husband and I are 33 years old. We're high school sweethearts. He's always had an affinity for video games, maybe this is why I didn't notice it for so long. Anywho, bypass two children who are now 7 and 10, all he wants to do is play his damn game. He works hard, I get that, but he leaves nothing for the family. He's gotten meaner, more short tempered, he screams at the consul to a point where he throws his crap. typical things that a husband would take care of around the house go unnoticed by him. Its like he has tunnel vision. 

 

We've been struggling with this for a while but more predominately, maybe the last three years.  Im told he understands, hes going to get it under-control and im told that he feels hes not addicted. I'm feeling alone and fed up. Society doesn't recognize this as an addiction but it truly is. 

  • Like 3
Link to comment
Share on other sites

I think what you're looking for is advice on how to handle the situation because you love your husband and your family and you're worried it's falling apart a bit. Addiction is a serious thing and video game addiction is very similar to a drug or alcohol addiction. It starts in moderation and is an exciting activity to do in your spare time, but then becomes more fun than other activities. It becomes the preferred activity after a while. Then it becomes the preferred escape mechanism after a long day or a way to spend down time to relax. Then it becomes the ultimate escape from our issues and we'll avoid and neglect everything that holds weight because it's easier to escape. 

Escapism is important to understand because it provides the addict with things they're not getting in real life. Many addicts play games for social interaction due to loneliness, anger vents to release anger and abuse others online, instant gratification to get a sense of achievement because they feel they're working so hard in real life and not gaining any achievement or progress, fulfillment because their life isn't giving them happiness. Even if their life is giving an amount of happiness that seems normal, it's not as exciting as a video game so it will seem not exciting or interesting.

It seems your husband is feeling trapped in life due to the responsibilities of being a husband, parent, and important member at work. Covid19 is not helping him right now I'm assuming. 

In my experience on this website and my own journey I will say that most people can only quit video games and other addictions after feeling enough pain to realize that the addiction is hurting them more than helping. I tried quitting for 15 years and finally quit 2 years ago. It took me to suffer from suicidal thoughts, nearly losing my job, having no friends, and having major anxiety and digestive illness to realize I needed to quit.

Other people have had to realize their family will leave them, their jobs being in jeopardy, failing out of school, etc. to realize what they're doing is wrong. Your husband is able to get through each day after spending time on video games because you're covering for him and he's able to do the bare minimum at work to get by without getting in trouble. He might be so good at his job that what he can do in 2 hours is considered 8 hours by his managers and he can skate on by. Or he could just have an easy job in general (not trying to judge, just thinking). He knows you will cover for what chores he misses at home. He knows you will take care of the kids if he misses something. He knows he can make excuses at work. He knows he can sacrifice sleep, food, water, socializing, and other hobbies to make more time for gaming.

He's probably exhausted beyond belief due to gaming this much and can't sit down and do nothing. He's probably very irritable. He isn't stupid either. He knows he's gaming too much. He just can't let go of it because he holds it in such high regard and must have lots of progress built up. What games is he playing?

You're going to have to interview him. You're going to have to ask him why he is playing video games, what makes him want to play them, what they provide him that is not being provided by his other hobbies, job, friends, and family, what triggers his thoughts to play games in the first place, and why he wants to quit games but can't. 

You're going to have to treat him like a separate person when you ask these questions, but show a level of understanding. He won't quit immediately. Even if he tries to quit, this is a brutal thing to quit. Most people here relapse multiple times before ever making it 7 day without playing. Most people end up relapsing hard at a month, then at the 60 day mark. Cravings don't stop until well after 90 days. 90 days is just a traditional benchmark. It's really invisible after about 180-200 days. After that you are mostly free if you've built good habits.

I wrote a post here that explains how I'm almost 2 years free from gaming:

https://forum.gamequitters.com/index.php?/topic/8392-almost-500-days-without-gaming/

  • Like 3
Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • 3 weeks later...

You might not be able to do anything to get him off the games aside from threatening to leave him if he doesn't quit. You're in a pretty bad spot from what it sounds like. You may be stuck in the same situation for years more to come too. It sounds like he's addicted and doesn't want to quit though. So. All you can do from my perspective is threaten to leave him if he doesn't quit gaming or keep going with things the way they have been going the past three years. If you do threaten and he does try to quit. I recommend telling him to quit totally cold turkey. No moderation attempts. Also tell him to join this forum. If it doesn't work then all you can do is actually leave or stay from what I understand about your options. 

Link to comment
Share on other sites

It is very difficult to be in the position you are in. I am sure you have, but if not, have you had an honest hear to heart with him about your fears and your feelings? Not a yelling match or a blaming match, but just being completely honest about your concerns, this isn't to blame or shame him but to make him realize the way he is leaving you feeling the way you do? Addiction is really difficult for all those involved, particularly when it becomes destructive and violent as it appear to have. Often times things just escalate to more destruction and violence, unfortunately it pours over and becomes abuse.

I experienced this, just wrote a lot about it but deleted it as it is long and I would not want to worry you about it but I just had a bad experience growing up with an alcoholic step father.

I too am with my high school sweetheart, we now have a one year old baby boy and I have come to realize the damage, and potential damage video games have cause, and will cause in the future if I do not get them under control. My girlfriend has expressed her concerns before and I swore to change, sadly I did not change enough, she may be happier with what little I did but I since decided I needed to completely quit to save our future. 

The only suggestion I can give is to have a very honest, and real heart to heart, the goal is not to make him feel bad, but to make him aware of the pain he is causing you. Perhaps you can turn him on to this website, and lead him to make the plunge. The hardest thing is getting an addict realize they want to quit, because they will not quit unless they want to.

I have an alcoholic family, all are sober now (step father is now gone thankfully but I imagine he is drinking away.) There has been enough pain caused by addiction to go around. I know your hurt I can only say that things will get better, even when they feel like they are considerably worse, they will be better, you just have to be supportive and try to give him the right nudge like many of us have needed to get on the path.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

On 9/6/2020 at 12:23 AM, Erik2.0 said:

You might not be able to do anything to get him off the games aside from threatening to leave him if he doesn't quit. You're in a pretty bad spot from what it sounds like. You may be stuck in the same situation for years more to come too. It sounds like he's addicted and doesn't want to quit though. So. All you can do from my perspective is threaten to leave him if he doesn't quit gaming or keep going with things the way they have been going the past three years. If you do threaten and he does try to quit. I recommend telling him to quit totally cold turkey. No moderation attempts. Also tell him to join this forum. If it doesn't work then all you can do is actually leave or stay from what I understand about your options. 

Giving ultimatums is a dangerous space to work within. Ultimatums can be seen as a "lose-lose" situation. Either he chooses to continue to play video games and MandyPandy loses, or he chooses MandyPandy and he feels like he lost because he had to give up something he valued to keep her happy, therefore building resentment.

 

The way I understand interventions work is to focus on building their awareness of how much their behaviour is impacting other people and therefore how it is wrong, rather than telling them to stop. By planting the seed of wanting to change and getting their buy-in in the plan, it is far more likely to take hold than being directed to change.

  • Like 1
Link to comment
Share on other sites

Create an account or sign in to comment

You need to be a member in order to leave a comment

Create an account

Sign up for a new account in our community. It's easy!

Register a new account

Sign in

Already have an account? Sign in here.

Sign In Now
 Share