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Final Detox


RB1
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@RB1 hey it's great to see your not giving up on the fight! I hope your doing well and your staying safe during this crazy time. I looking forward to reading your future logs! 

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Sunday July 12th, 2020

Well, I'm back. Haven't been posting because I relapsed pretty bad. Haven't played games at all, but have been spending a lot of time on twitch and youtube. I cracked because I didn't balance my personal and work life with my school life and the load of school work I got behind on was too much, making me very anxious and as a result I turned to games.

I'm starting to see that I have to consider the balance between my personal, work, and school life all as a part of the equation when doing this detox. I've been focusing on my goals entirely since the detox began and the lack of time I've been putting into school has come back and bit me in the ass. I've been focusing on working out and eating healthy each day, but relinquished my focus on school. I put off too much work for too long and when there was too much to do, the anxiety went on full force and I couldn't deal with it. I've been thinking that as long as I work towards my goals and have my goals preoccupy the time I used to game, I'll be set. Nope. Not the deal as it turns out.

When I get too deep into my anxiety and depression, I relapse. I will relapse every time. Typically, I get depressed when I don't stick to my goals, or my WANTS. I've been following my goals pretty strictly since this detox and as a result, I really don't get too depressed lately. Some days I do for short periods of time, but not for like long stretches of time over days, weeks, or even months like I've had in the past. However, my anxiety rises when I procrastinate on the things I NEED to do. I need to keep up with my school work and I need to keep up with the work from my job. I've been procrastinating like crazy ever since prioritizing my physical health with exercise and eating habits. Well, I need to add stability and sanity in my equation of health, which means to keep up the work that I NEED to do aka school work and work from my job. I've been keeping up with work from my job, but school has gone down the shitter in the last month. I've procrastinated everything.

A lot of negatives in the past 4-5 days, but the good news is that I've continued to work out and eat healthy. I'm getting into much better physical shape and I'm getting to the point where the workouts are getting easier to do. I'm still exhausted after them, but I feel that it is a necessity for me to work out again. That's a feeling I haven't had in about 2 years. I've done some form of work out 5 days a week since the beginning of my detox and that's including the 5 days I just relapsed.

Another positive is that I'm beginning to feel the benefits of eating healthy. I wasn't for a while, but I knew it was because I had to keep it consistent. I've been eating right for almost 3 weeks now and I'm beginning to feel that energy that I've been missing for so long. I feel groggy in the morning, but once I get my healthy breakfast in, I begin to feel great. It's also getting to the point where I get mad at myself for eating a crappy meal. I've given in and gotten Mcdonalds or Tacobell a few days, but I feel like such shit afterwards that it upsets me physically and mentally. Before, I kindof always felt like shit to a certain degree, so even when I ate fastfood, the difference didn't feel so drastic. Now that I am dieting better, I feel great most of the time, so when I get a shitty meal in me, I notice how much it brings me down. I can feel that difference much more drastically now and it motivates me to eat right.

Also, I'm really enjoying cooking. I've tried getting into it in the past, but never actually had fun doing it. I'm actually having fun cooking for the first time ever. I've been watching a lot of cooking channels online and it's helped me figure out a system to cook that works for me.

The last positive is that even after 2 relapses already, I still feel determined to continue this detox. Before, once I relapse once I fail to regain the mentality. I had no will to come back once I got back into gaming. Right now, I'm pretty upset that I relapsed and as a result I wanna prove to myself that I can come back and continue this detox. These next few days are going to be rough since I'm recovering from a relapse and because I know I'm going to have extremely high anxiety because of the shit load of school work I need to get done in such a short amount of time. But as long as I'm sitting around on youtube or twitch watching gaming content, I'm not gonna be able to get all that done.

Basically, I relapsed, but I'm not done with getting this detox right. I've fucked up a ton already, but in the process, I've made huge improvements in my life. I'm exercising, eating right, and playing a ton of guitar. Those are some meaningful accomplishments in my book. I need to keep up those things, but I need to push harder and get back on my feet with school work. I need to understand that keeping my whole life balanced with personal stuff, work, AND school is how I will manage my anxiety and depression to maintain stability, which will eliminate the big reasons I tend to relapse. 

I'm back and I've got this.

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Well fuckkkk. I'll be back sometime hopefully soon. Too much stress at the moment and I hate saying that I'll stop and not committing to it. Good things is I've been able to implement a couple of good habits in the short detox that I did that I'm continuing to carry through despite relapsing. Also, I don't feel the need to game, but I definitely have the the need to sit around watching gaming content, which is what my relapse has been. I'll be back in a bit and I promise to carry on my good habits till then. Things are too stressful at the moment though and I don't have the willpower to cut everything out at once. Promise I'll be back.

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RB1, you are watching gaming content to cope with stress? Is it school work that is causing it or something else?

So many important realizations in your posts in such a time frame.

(1)You have noticed that you need to channel your energy correctly- sports, socializing, resting, working.

(2) Your work ethic and passion returns to life when the games are stopped. This awakens direction and purpose.

(3) Workout and healthy eating is already a challenge and confidence booster for you.

plus (Alexander’s legacy): once you put one thing right, you are armed to solve others right. Focusing on resolving one shortcoming unlocks the approach to get all of them right.

Here I want to say I improved my health significantly through trial and error approach. But, with social interactions I am starting to do the following monitoring: I record my conversations on the phone and practice in front of a mirror- 

Called an employer and spoke to him using a pre planned script. Immediate effect: the guy didn’t want to cut the conversation with me. We even got to discussing salary. All this because I wasn’t pausing mid sentence, but speaking loudly, clearly, succinctly and more confidently. I can only do this using a script, so I should create some modules and memorize them.

Edited by Amphibian220
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  • 2 weeks later...

RB1, report in. What have you done with your time?

Have you been proactive and pushed yourself to do what you have been putting off, even if it appears hard to do? 

Have you made simple practical action plans for each day and followed through on them?

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Day 1 - 8/1/2020

Ok I'm finally back. I've got a lot to say and have had a lot on my mind, but I'll keep it short and talk about them more or elaborate further some other time.

I went back to gaming for the last 3 weeks, but it didn't get out of hand again until a week and a half ago. I kept up healthy habits like eating right, exercising, and getting out here and there, but that's all gone to shit in the last 10 days. I completely gave up on doing another detox thought I said I would come back until yesterday. I've pretty much gamed the entirety of the last 3 days, barely going outside at all and I'm not in good shape. I realized in the last month and a half that you can make progress in your life pretty fast when you've got your shit together, but that progress can disappear just as fast when you don't.

Like I said, I've had a lot on my mind, but the main one has been what @amchow said to me in a post he made here early July. He posted about how people like us need to "surrender to their addiction" which in response I asked, "I heard that statement a lot, but what does it really mean?" He responded saying, "it means you need to tell yourself that, you are no longer a gamer."

This really spoke to me since I proceeded to ask myself if I am still a gamer, and at the time my honest answer was still yes. I was in the middle of a detox that at the time I felt fully committed to, but when facing myself and asking "me" if I was still a gamer, my deep down honestly answer was still a firm "yes". At the time I already relapsed and was in and out of gaming on a day to day basis and the stress with other factors in my life was overwhelming, so I once again I reached my mental limit, said "fuck it", quit the detox and went back to gaming.

The progress I had made has slowly slipped away over the past 3 weeks, but what @amchow pointed out to me continued to ring through my head throughout it all. I've done these detoxes for the past year as a hope to take a break from gaming so when I come back, I'll hopefully have worked on my life enough so I can balance gaming with it when reintroducing it. At no point of any of these detoxes have I ever been able to tell myself that, "I'm no longer a gamer". My answer was always to find the middle ground which was to figure out how to balance out gaming in my life.

After a full year of incredible life improvement during detoxes followed by an immediate downfall when introducing gaming back into my life, I finally have to admit to myself that there is no middle ground. At least not for me. I am to weak minded to be able to balance gaming with the rest of my life. When it is apart of my life, it is all I do and think about. Even when I'm not gaming, I'll be thinking about it as long as I have permission from myself to do it. I finally have to face my truth which is that I will continue to live as a gamer and go nowhere with my goals and life, or I will "no longer be a gamer" and my life will absolutely improve. There is no middle ground. There is absolutely no middle ground and I've accepted that. My life immediately improves every time I stop gaming and immediately goes to shit the moment its reintroduced. The good news is, I feel like it's often difficult in life to determine what the right option to choose is in order to improve your life. In my case, that option isn't what I was hoping for, but regardless that option is crystal clear. There is no middle ground for me. I need to quit gaming, then my life will absolutely positively 100% improve. I've seen it happen over and over again, I've been through it a million times, the answer is crystal clear, I need to quit gaming and that is the only answer for me.

So with all that being said, I'm here to say that I'm no longer a gamer. I know the road ahead will be rocky, but it is the only path for me as long as I want my life to improve. This is no longer a 90 day detox. I am here to post about how I'm quitting gaming. The process is going to be one day at a time, but I'll continue to work at it one day at a time. It's been a rough 3 weeks for me, but it might have been necessary for me to come to this conclusion.

Edited by RB1
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On 7/28/2020 at 6:37 AM, Amphibian220 said:

RB1, report in. What have you done with your time?

been stressed and have been gaming.

Have you been proactive and pushed yourself to do what you have been putting off, even if it appears hard to do? 

Have you made simple practical action plans for each day and followed through on them?

no and no, but I just made a post addressing what's been going on in my mind, what I'm gonna do from now, and my new approach to this all.

 

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“we are not talking about a man that is more feminine than an average woman, we are talking about a real man.

A real man is a person who is willing to sacrifice, to take risks, go on adventure, step over the limits that he has been used to. He aims to climb the highest peak, to enter territory unknown to him etc. because through his work, plans which are NOT grounded in simple consumerist terms (comfort, physical wants) are realized.”

i heard this today from one public speaker. This statement is a good mirror to look into . Your realizations are important for your recovery and I hope you are closing in on a qualitative improvement in your character.

Cam Adair’s vlogs are good to rewatch because recovery is something that requires a more active approach than autopilot in my opinion. i haven’t watched them for months.

 

Edited by Amphibian220
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@RB1

I am very grateful that the advice I gave is helping you out now as you start a new phase of your life with a new identity as a Game Quitter. 

I'll be praying for you as you start anew. 

Now, my new advice to you on next steps: Define what you wish to be now and in the future. Figure out what you want to be in terms of a career and aim for it. Make short term goals to lead up to those new long term goals. 

For example, in my case, I stated to myself daily: "I am an engineer, not a gamer." I began a new job as a Design Engineer two months ago and I aspire to become a direct hire senior member in that field. To do that, I have to work hard at my job, impress the chief engineers of my team, and develop a good reputation as a hard worker and someone who produces high quality work. 

As I am learning myself, be patient with the process and in time, you will find joy in life that is free of gaming and that the effort and time invested is SO worth it. And it will make you happier as well. 😄

Cheering you on, RB1! 😄

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Just deleted all my games and accounts on every medium I could think of. Steam is gone, riot is gone, blizzard is gone, controllers are in the trash, computer mouse is in the trash. Feels good and bad at the same time honestly.

Also thanks for the support to everyone who replied and read through that last post :)

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@RB1 Good luck. It's a good conclusion you came to. One that I've come to adhere to myself. I don't think there's any moderating or balancing gaming for me. Only abstinence or unhealthy bingeing are possible.

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Day 2 (late post) - 8/2/2020

Busy day, which was good since it kept gaming off my mind.

It's only day 2, but it feels so different to abstain from gaming once you tell yourself that you're "no longer a gamer." That officially makes it a thing of the past as with previous detoxes, it was merely on pause. Knowing that you will come back to it eventually whether its in a week or a few months gives the addiction enough of an edge to possess a part of your mind. When you state that you're never going back to it, that edge disappears and you begin to think, "well then, now what?" I know the urges will come with time, but for a day I got to experience this feeling I've never experienced of acceptance and moving on. It may be temporary, but that feeling where I'm officially moving on has never felt more real.

Also, I was gonna start a scrap this thread and start a new once since "Final Detox" originally meant that I was going to try a detox one last time, and if it didn't work, I was gonna stop doing these detoxes all together. However, with this new turn in my road, the title feels even more fitting, so I will continue with it.

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Day 3 & 4 (late post) - 8/3-8/4

Not much to say. Getting urges which is expected. Only thing that's been on my mind is how exhausted I am physically and mentally. For the last month, but especially for the last 2 weeks and even more for the past 3 or 4 days, I've just been so tired all day. I'm getting good sleep, exercising, eating decently, but I've got no energy. I'm a pretty low energy guy, but I've had it under control for the past few years relatively well, but this last month has been something else. Just all day long I'm tired. Don't know what to do about it. Anyone have tips on upping your energy when you're constantly fatigued?

That's all that's been on my mind. Tired as hell. I want this to hurry up and pass.

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Day 14 - 8/13

I think that makes day 14. Well just wanted to check in since I haven't posted in a while.

I've been gone, but that doesn't mean I went back to gaming. I've been real busy for the past week and a half and have just been occupied with work and school work that I've had to get done. It's taken my mind off gaming, which was nice, but now that the period of work/stress is over, I feel like I want to game again. I'm confident I'll be able to stay away from it, but that feeling just came back the other day.

I've been exercising a lot and have slowly been going about my days with greater productivity and accomplishing the things I've needed/wanted to do. I've not really had the urge to post for whatever reason, but I don't think that's a problem as long as I continue to stay away from games. I think the urges will get a bit worse for the next few weeks since I'm going to have more time to myself, which always means I'll want to game. I've got things planned out to keep myself occupied this time, so I think I'll be good.

That's all really. I'm glad that period of stress is passing, but I'm a little worried about the gaming urges that are about to come around.

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  • 2 weeks later...

RB1, how are you doing? Can you break down how your days are going right now and what your principal interests are? 

How much time do you spend on fitness? How much time on resting and socializing? Are you better able to handle the learning because of how you changed your lifestyle?

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  • 3 weeks later...

Hi, just checking in.

I've stopped posting in this journal since I've finally decided that the GameQuitters method isn't right for me. I've tried it for over a year and I haven't achieved my goal, so I've began taking a different approach. I think the GameQuitters method is a great one and I've read so many success stories in various journals, but it's just not right for me. I thought for a minute that I wasted my last year trying these detoxes, but I realized that this was just one part of my long journey of self-improvement so no, I don't regret going in and out of my detoxes. I've learned a ton about myself doing them and this was just step 1 of my journey.

I've gone back to the method of slowly giving up gaming for the gradual method of self improvement. I've said in many past posts that this has proven not to work for me, but I've had a lot more success this time around by finally getting out of my comfort zone and adding a few extra hobbies that I've stayed consistent with. I have successfully stayed away from video games since august first without relapsing, but I have gone back to wasting a lot of time on twitch and youtube. 

My strategy this time around has been to slowly introduce new hobbies into my life and staying consistent with them. Consistency has been the key factor that's led to my recent success. The way I've learned to be consistent is by doing the activities I commit to, even if it meant that I only partook in the activity for a very short amount of time that day. For example, I've been able to start skateboarding again. A lot of days I said I'd skate, I didn't want to at all. I'd dread it, but I'd force myself to even if it wasn't for the amount of time I'd initially committed my day to. For examples, I'd plan to skate 1.5-2 hours a particular day and end up skating for literally 5-10 minutes only after driving 20 minutes to the park just for the sake of consistency to build the habit. those 5-10 minute sessions on the days I didn't want to go have made a world of a difference to reinforce my new habits and hobbies.

I don't feel like typing much more so I'm just going to list my successes and failures in the last month+

Success:

  • I'm in the best physical shape I've been in the last 3 years and perhaps ever. I'm working out 4-5 times a week. My workouts aren't always intense, but just like with the skating story, I make myself do some sort of physical activity whether is the full workout that I planned ahead of time or just a shortened version of it 4-5 days a week. By just doing what I'm willing to do + some discipline, I've really been able to get back into good physical shape.
  • Like I said, I'm skateboarding again! This has been a hobby that I've wanted to pick back up forever and I'm finally doing it. It's also helped me get out of social isolation from lockdown, which has helped my mentality a bit.
  • I'm staring to play some music again!
  • I'm cooking much more and eating healthy. This has had a ton of ups and downs, but I've been more consistent with this than I've probably ever been.
  • I've given up drinking for 1-2 months
  • I've stayed away from playing video games entirely

Failures:

  • I'm back to wasting a lot of time on twitch and youtube. I've tried to limit the amount of time I spend on the platforms, but there have been more downs than ups with this attempt. I'm back to feeling that mental fog that I'm all to familiar with because of the amount of time I spend in front of a screen, especially on a screen watching content on those platforms.
  • I'm not meditating anymore. I was consistent with this for a while, and the habit has completely died out... That being said, I'll do a session right after this just because.
  • I'm not reading or studying the things I said I wanted to. I made a large list of things I wanted to read and study anddddddddd I haven't gotten around to it at all.
  • I've been lounging around way more than I should be.
  • Despite being in great physical condition, I don't think it's effected my overall energy levels. I've thought that I've had a deficiency of energy for the last year because of my terrible physical condition. Now I'm in good shape, but I don't feel that energy I was hoping for. I've come to realize that my lack of energy is completely mental and comes form the lack of motivation to do much and a lack of passion for pretty much anything. Still working on this one
  • I've completely given up on jogging. Fuck jogging.

To Do: 

  • Stop using twitch and youtube on my laptop and only use it on my phone with a 1 hour limit to each per day. I had some success limiting my time on the platforms in the past by doing this, but this has died out and I've gone back to binging it a ton. I want to get back to trying this to maybe limit my usage.
  • Start reading and studying the things I put down on that list. I've taken a look at it every day and haven't actually followed through with any of it. Today is the day to follow through. I'll take a crack at one of the items by the end of today.
  • Meditate. Meditate. Meditate.
  • It's time for another social media break. I don't know why I ever go back. My life is always 10x better the instant I delete that garbage.
  • Actively look for new interests.
  • Blah idk.

Thanks for listening to me vent like always. Much appreciated.

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RB1, I can relate so much that you can encounter a barrier at some point in your journey that is hard to overcome. @RB1 have faith that the energy will come and combat the doubts in yourself. Your energy levels must increase soon.

So great that you are skateboarding again, are you on to learning new tricks or mostly just refining existing ones and improving your cardio fitness?

I will also put down here how important the piece meal approach is that you mentioned: Some days ago I wanted to approach a lawyer about collaboration in a particular practice area. The more I visualized his possible reactions to my offer, the more I became aware of some of my shortcomings and that to potential clients I may come off as insufficiently experienced. It was a real motivation killer because I have to know a great deal of nuanced legal reasoning from appellate courts. Then the whole cycle of work is impossible to do by myself alone, I need a team and for that I have to be more emotional and convincing in an interview (another shortcoming). I seem to have revised a lot but it appears too little for a full consultation and representation in court. I’m just thinking to go ahead anyway with a “practice client”.

 

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  • 3 weeks later...

9/30/2020

I set a series of goals between 7/1-10/1. Today's the last day of this three month period.

My goals were to:

-Save XXX amount of money

-***Be able to do 3x10 pull-ups (wide grip), 2x50 pushups (standard pushups for mid peck), and 2x50 sit ups (***This was the most important goal to me)

-Master 5 recipes for breakfast, lunch, and dinner EACH

-Balance computer usage and gaming with life

-Begin job hunting (I've wanted to leave my current job for a while now)

Today, I am...

-$200 shy of my goal financial goal (only if I didn't go on that one amazon shopping spree... So close)

-Accomplished... Pull-ups 3 sets (10, 9, 9) wide grip, Push-ups (42, 37), and Sit-ups (50, 50)

-Have 4 breakfast recipes, 4 lunch recipes, and 2 dinner recipes down (I botched the dinner goal haha)

-Had a gaming relapse between July and August, but have been gaming free for 2 months as of today. I've been using twitch and youtube a lot, but I'm working on it.

-Haven't begun the job hunt

I didn't hit my goals 100%, but this is the first time I committed to a set of goals and really worked at it consistently for a set period of time. It kindof slipped my mind as time passed, but honestly I'm very proud of myself. I always bitch out at a certain point because I hit walls or since I see that I'm not going to accomplish the goal entirely, or because I'm just mentally weak, but I really kept constant this time around and made a ton of personal progress. I know I set my goals higher, but honestly am happy with the work I put into these goals and the progress I've made towards them. I kept a record of my workouts so I can see how much progress I've made since day 1. I'm feeling the most accomplished right now than I've felt in a very long time :)

Now that I've worked at this set of goals for 3 months, I want to make a new set of goals for the next three... So between 10/1-1/1/2021. I might update it or move some minor details around, but here they are.

Goals 10/1-1/1/2021:

-Health & Mental Health

  • Continue weightlifting. I'm happy with my fitness at the moment so I'm not trying to go as hard as I just did. I just want to maintain what I have and maybe get a bit stronger. Minor goal.
  • Continue to skate
  • Continue making the meals I learned to make. Maybe add a few here and there. Eat clean. Fast food/junk food no more than once a week.
  • Continue to stay clean of gaming.
  • Lessen time on twitch, twitter, youtube, and my computer in general. (I'll edit this or make a new entry to be more concrete once I figure out how I want to approach this.)

-Programming

  • Work on my programming chops
  • Find a field of programming I find interesting and try enriching my skills in that area

-***Employment (***most important)

  • Quit my current job
  • Find a new job by 1/1/2021
  • That's it

That's really all I've got for the next three months. Its gonna be a lot so those three primary goals are going to be more than enough I think. Employment is the most important, working on my programming skills comes next, then my health of course is important, but I think I've finally just established a good rhythm with exercise and eating and I just want to maintain it. Exercise will stay important to me, but the real GOALS I want to achieve are quitting my current job, finding a new job, and working on my programming.

Not sure if any of yall still read this but I hope everyone is doing well. I still want work on my bad gaming (binge watching content) habits, but I'm just glad I'm making progress over all. I'm looking forward and am actually excited how these next three months go. Hope yall are doing well.

 

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It is great reading your posts, i can see how you started seeing new opportunities in life after you successfully proved to yourself that you can. Usually, success shows that there is a lot more work to be done. And this you also reflect in your post. You literally have to put in the time into your activities, identify your needs and serve them correctly without exhausting yourself.

One indicator of good dynamic is that when you look back at yourself 3 months ago, you are surprised at how little insight you have had. I hope that before 2021, you will completely replace youtube and twitch with healthy alternatives, in other words you will be doing activities that will serve your relaxation purpose but without any negative effects.

What is my opinion of Internet sites like twitch and youtube? They have capacity to control you, make you lose track of time, become forgetful, become confused and lazy. Of course, there are people who when they access internet, only access it with a targeted need. But opening internet just for entertainment can have pitfalls.

 

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  • 1 month later...

11/8/2020

I just wanted to check in to share an awesome feature of a website limiting tool I found today.

Outside of gaming itself, I've had this struggle of using sites like twitch, twitter, and youtube excessively. I used many site blocking tools, but I've had the most success with one called "StayFocused" since it allows you to set XXXXX amount of time to use sites that you want to block. (StayFocused is a google chrome extension.)

I use this since blocking everything ends up in a relapse for me every single time, but the tool always had one flaw. I couldn't block youtube since I actually use youtube a ton for school/learning/education when I'm not being distracted by gaming channels.

HOWEVER, I reinstalled it and found out that by blocking the URL of the root of some youtube channel you choose, it will only chew into your daily use time for videos related to that channel. In the past, by blocking any channel on youtube, it wouldn't recognize videos correlated to specific channels, but just the entirety of youtube, so once your daily set time ran out, you couldn't use youtube anymore. I'm pretty sure this was a recent update, but I just wanted others to know in case your situation is the same as mine.

I don't know about you, but this is huge for me personally since I can limit just gaming channels and other time killers now and use youtube the way I actually want.

Just thought I should share this information.

Edited by RB1
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