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Final Detox


RB1
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Day 0:

So I've decided to try to do one final full 3 month detox from July 1st - October 1st. The reason I say "final detox" is because I've been trying to do these detoxes for about a year, but haven't fully succeeded any of them and I'm starting to think this detox might not be the right approach for me personally. I've actually made huge progress towards my goals in life during certain periods in the last year even with gaming and began to think I can live a balanced life with gaming. However, with the recent lockdown, things have begun to spiral out of control again and I've been playing too many video games and spent wayy too much time on twitch and youtube. That being said, I'm giving this detox one last chance and if it works, great! If not, then it's time for me personally to soul search and work on my problems via a different approach.

My first and longest detox a year ago lasted I think 46 or 47 days. It's the best I've felt about myself all year. I think it fell short because never replaced my gaming habits with other productive ones. I ended up just spending a lot of time on youtube watching things aside from gaming to waste my time. I need to take youtube off the table in this detox and commit to rekindling some hobbies from my past.

So the rules for this coming detox are the following:

- no gaming at home

- no twitch, or youtube gaming content

- post on my journal at least once a week

I guess I'll be back next week. I'm a bit scared, but excited to see if I can take me places in my life like it did a bit a year ago.

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Welcome back, @RB1!

Writing in a journal indeed helped me to track my day-to-day goals easily. I've been on and off in quitting as well for 2 years and just like you, I didn't replace my gaming habit with something productive activity. Hope you'll find your new hobby sooner too!

Good luck and take it easy! 😁

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Yup, it's a struggle. I've got some old hobbies I've gotten out of touch with that I want to get back into like music and skateboarding. I've recently also decided I want to pick up bass guitar, which I've never done before and have been messing around with that. I've got a couple of things in mind, it's just gonna be a matter of doing it and sticking with it. That's always the rough part.

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June 25th, 2020

Alright, I'm starting my detox from today. There were a few things I wanted to accomplish before beginning my final detox which I've now done, so I'm ready.

I'm feeling both excited and nervous about this detox. I'm excited because I just went on a pretty big gaming binge and just want to take my eyes off of my computer screen for an extended period of time and I'm feeling more determined to accomplish this than I usually am. It feels more like a want than a need this time around. I'm also nervous because I've failed so many detoxes in the past and I'm all too familiar with this feeling of determination that has been crushed before in just a matter of my days. I'm afraid that I'm lying to myself again and I really don't want to let myself down yet again.

What I need to do this time around are two big things. Build new hobbies that replace gaming and take my detox one day at a time. I need hobbies to rely back on when I get the urge to game. I need to make it a trigger that's so automated that I think "I want to game" so --> "I will do X, Y, or Z instead". When I say I need to take this one day at a time, I really mean this detox needs to be a series of single day accomplishments rather than a 3 month exercise. I've decided not to put a day counter on my journal for this detox since it constantly reminds me that I have 90, 60, 50, 40, or 30 days left in my detox. What I need to do is tell myself each day that I just need to get through this one day without gaming and I will be happy with myself. I need to accomplish a single day without gaming for 90 days rather than be gaming free for 90 days. Of course, they're the same thing, but it's a mentality thing that I think will be important for me. 90 days feels impossible. 1 day feels very doable.

I'm excited to see what this takes me. If anyone is reading this, feel free to comment about anything whether its about what I wrote or just some other random shit. I remember the comments/support from the community really pushed me through the hard days during my first and most accomplished detox a year ago. I'm going to be reading through others journals as much as I can to hopefully maintain this feeling of determination that I'm having now.

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Edit.

Reflection of today:

The first day is always rough. The first 3 weeks really. And then some more... But today was rough, good, and weird.

I was tired all day and with a headache. Its embarrassing to say, but I'm pretty sure it's literally because I didn't game or watch gaming videos at all. I've taken a few days off of gaming and watching gaming content off in the past few months and I'd always get a headache. I thought it was a coincidence before but after today I think these headaches have to do with dopamine levels adjusting. Crazy that this can happen. This didn't happen to me last year when I did a long detox. It really shows how the earlier you commit to one the easier it'll be for you. The longer you wait the harder detoxes/quitting will just get.

That was the rough part. The good part was that today was actually a pretty productive day. Like I said, I'm interested in getting into playing bass guitar, which is essentially what I did the entire day. I don't own a bass, but I have and acoustic guitar and am just learning bass concepts on it until I eventually buy a bass. I'm not really trying to spend too much money at the moment as saving is one of my current goals, but I think if I can turn bass guitar into a hobby it'd be well worth the money. Just to jot down what I did today, I woke up and immediately played guitar for about 2 hours, took a nap, went to (online) class, had a short work shift (I work from home at the moment), took a nap, then played even more guitar. I think I played like 4 hours+ of guitar. It's been a while since I've been able to get lost practicing an instrument while enjoying doing so. That was a refreshing feeling.

The weird thing about the day is though it was productive and I'm happy with it, I don't feel fulfilled at all. The feeling is expected, but none the less, strange. I got this feeling all the time during previous detoxes, but never knew what I could do about them. It just has to do with the fact that I don't get the same stimulus from other activities than I do from gaming. As a result, I feel very bored and in emotionally unfulfilled. Logically, I know I had a productive day so  can look at it objectively and say I went about it right, but I just don't feel that fulfillment if that makes sense. I'm just sitting here typing out my journal entree thinking about how much I did today in comparison to past days where I'd game all day, but I can't help but feel like I'm supposed to have done something more to feel like my day is complete.

If anyone's reading this, do you know what I mean by that issue of mental stimulus and emotional fulfillment? Have you been able to find something that provides the the mental stimulus that you were used to from gaming? Does it give you emotional fulfillment? That's really the key to this all personally. Fulfillment is what I'm looking for out of this detox. I don't have anything in my life at that moment that fulfills me and gaming always filled that void. I can go on about this forever, but I think I'll stop there for now. Maybe I'll write more about this another time. Anyways, goodnight yall.

Edited by RB1
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June 26th, 2020

Woke up a little earlier than usual feeling fresh. My mind feels clear, but still a little bored. I'd love to sit around on youtube for the next hour or two, but I shouldn't. I feel like I have total control over that choice at the moment though.

I've got a full day of work ahead of me so that will keep me busy. I've also got school work that I'd like to get ahead on so I can spend the last part of my day working through that. I've got a ton I can do today, but I still can't help but feel that none of it will feel fulfilling. Like I said yesterday, whatever I do I just don't feel emotionally fulfilled. I feel like I will accomplish a lot today given I do the things I need and plan to, but I know it wont be ending my day feeling great. I know it's apart of the process, but at what point does that feeling start to manifest through other activities? I remember feeling this way throughout all 46 days of my last big detox. It became easier to deal with the feeling, but the feeling itself never actually got better.

Reflecting on my day yesterday, I am very proud of it. I got a lot more done than I usually do so I should be proud of that. I'll keep this in mind and try to carry out today similar to yesterday.

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Reflection:

Woke up, had work all day, did a short workout, went grocery shopping, made a healthy dinner, saw a buddy, watched a movie. Overall, it was a pretty good day. I wish I got to the school work I mentioned in another post, but I never did. I also wish I went harder on my workout, but I kind of just cruised through it.

Had cravings to sit around on youtube or twitch watching gaming content quite a bit, but I stayed away from it. I had thoughts today that there's no way I'll actually get through this entire detox. I thought I'll get through it for a bit, but I'll have a bad day somewhere down the line and give in, then after that one moment I won't be able to pick myself back up for months to come. That's how it usually goes.

I wish I was better at dealing with bad days. Those are when the cravings were the worst and what ultimately led to the end of my first detox. I also wish I was better at recovering from mistakes. It's always been the case where if I gave in for a single day or a single moment, I couldn't recover from it. I could never just say "I messed up yesterday, today I'll make sure to get back to the detox". Just 1 slip and I'm back to my old ways. I wish I could find a better way to deal with these issues.

Edited by RB1
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Hello and welcome to the forums. Or welcome back if you're returning. I've dealt with feeling unfulfilled recently. I felt unfulfilled because I was spending a lot of time watching tv. Since then I came up with activities to do and I work to get them all done before I watch tv. This leaves me feeling much more fulfilled at the end of the day because I'm doing non-screen activities. It sounds like you're already doing lots of non-screen activity and still feel unfulfilled. I don't really have any idea what you could do to feel more fulfilled in that case. Good luck.

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12 hours ago, Erik2.0 said:

Hello and welcome to the forums. Or welcome back if you're returning. I've dealt with feeling unfulfilled recently. I felt unfulfilled because I was spending a lot of time watching tv. Since then I came up with activities to do and I work to get them all done before I watch tv. This leaves me feeling much more fulfilled at the end of the day because I'm doing non-screen activities. It sounds like you're already doing lots of non-screen activity and still feel unfulfilled. I don't really have any idea what you could do to feel more fulfilled in that case. Good luck.

I appreciate the response and the honesty.

Yup, I've been trying to figure out why I lack that feeling of fulfillment with anything I do. Gaming never actually fulfilled me. It just numbed me so I never had to confront the lack of fulfillment I've always been experiencing. All I know is that as long as I'm gaming, I won't get to the bottom of this. I don't know if I'll find any answers with this detox, but I know I will never find answers if I continue to indulge in gaming and gaming content.

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6 hours ago, RB1 said:

I appreciate the response and the honesty.

Yup, I've been trying to figure out why I lack that feeling of fulfillment with anything I do. Gaming never actually fulfilled me. It just numbed me so I never had to confront the lack of fulfillment I've always been experiencing. All I know is that as long as I'm gaming, I won't get to the bottom of this. I don't know if I'll find any answers with this detox, but I know I will never find answers if I continue to indulge in gaming and gaming content.

Good resolve and good point. I don't think I'll find fulfillment playing games either. Just numbing.

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@RB1 can you talk more about working towards your goals. First of all, what kind of process helped you to gain clarity and understand what those goals are?

What were the goals? What helped you to determine them?

Have you revised your goals to suit the changing circumstances?

Do you feel your motivation suffered because the goals weren’t measurable or action plans not detailed enough?

Have you discovered more about your opportunities, threats, strengths and weaknesses as you embarked upon achieving these goals?

please explain these points

 

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Saturday June 27th, 2020

Woke up feeling pretty good about my last two days. I still have a slight headache, but it's nowhere near as bad as yesterday or the day before. I had a full nights rest, woke up, immediately went on a run and cooked a healthy breakfast. I'm pretty beat from the run so I'm just lying in bed now writing in my journal on my laptop. I have a bunch of things I need to take care of today like some cleaning, yard work, school work, call my phone service provider, lift weights, cook a new meal with a recipe I'm working on, etc. So I know I've got enough to do throughout the day to stay away from gaming.

Yesterday I felt like I would't make it through the three month detox and I thought about it this morning and I realized I was right. I have to keep in mind what I said in my first post which was not to approach this as a 3 month long task, but a day by day routine. I know I can get through today. I know when tomorrow comes I can handle the day again. Looking three months into the future is too frightening. I need to take this one day at a time. I will get through today without gaming.

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Reflection:

Had the day off. Went on a jog in the morning and lifted some weights. Made pretty healthy meals for breakfast lunch and dinner. The piano book I ordered came in so I've been working on some songs in it. I know how the play piano decently, but I'm terrible at getting through whole songs and memorizing them, so I'm going to commit to really completing full songs from that book during this detox. Played some guitar but not too much. Got a little bit of school work done. Hung out with a buddy at night. Crashed I think around 12:30am.

I think that's everything I did yesterday. I'm posting this reflection the morning after and am kindof blanking on what happening throughout the day.

Edited by RB1
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Anyone else ever get headaches because of a detox? I've done detoxes in the past, but never got headaches because of them. I'm like 90% sure it's because of it at this point. It's not so bad, but it just has me thinking like "really? What the fuck? A headache because I can't game? Wow."

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I've never gotten headaches from not gaming. I've definitely felt stressed from gaming though and had my skin get oily from playing. Taking it one day at a time is the way to go, good mentality.

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Sunday June 28th, 2020

Morning:

Just woke up. I only had one beer last night and I'm feeling slightly hungover for some reason. I only get hungover if I drink 3+ beers/drinks so that's strange. It's not bad at all, but just an observation. I told myself that I'd wake up and go on a run, but that's definitely not going to happen. I will lift weights later for sure though. Maybe I'll go on a walk or something, or a bike ride. I don't feel like running today.

What do I need to get done today? I always think it's best to map this out the night before, but I rarely do. I want to make it a habit to plan out my day the night before so I wake up and immediately have a sense of direction. Pondering about what I need to do once I wake up gives me a chance to say fuck it and procrastinate all morning. With a pre-planned schedule I can wake up and start doing something I know I need/want to immediately.

Anyways, the things I need to do today... Lift weights. Cook a lunch recipe I've told myself I'd do for the past 3 days, a bunch of school work, call my cellphone service provider (I'll probably push this off till tomorrow to be honest), yard work... I also wanna set up my skateboard and I should either go on a walk or bike ride.

Speaking of plans, I should make plans for next weekend do take a day trip out of town. I've always been a pretty spontaneous person, terrible at making plans ahead of time.  I want to hit up some friends to see if they wanna do something over this coming weekend, maybe go hiking or some other place out in nature. I really should start making plans for the coming week or coming month much more often. Come to think of it, that should be a serious goal to work towards. Plan 1 thing fun out for myself a week out. Something like that.

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End of day reflection:

Woke up, made a healthy breakfast, got some school work done, lifted weights, played piano, made a healthy lunch, took a nap, played more piano, dug out the weeds from my yard, played even more piano, made that new meal I've been meaning to cook for dinner for a few days, went out to buy a beer, played some guitar and drank that beer, and now I'm here. That's a pretty good day when I list it all out.

But holy cow, what a rollercoaster of emotions I had throughout the day. Woke up with pretty intense urges to game so I had to make myself get up and about. Every activity I listed above I took a small break between and there were always intense urges to turn on a twitch stream at each moment. Definitely the worst day in regards to urges I've had yet. Whenever I'd get them, I'd just have to sit there with my thoughts. Dealing with my thoughts was the rough part of the day. Last detox it took me about 3 weeks for my mind to clear to allow my real thoughts to emerge, but this time around I'm there in just a few days.

I had a bunch of thoughts that I'll talk all about another time. Right now I'll just talk about the main one. I was just thinking about how much time I've wasted in my life and how I really don't have a life right now nor have I had one for 2 years now, 6 if I'm being real critical. The last 2-3 years of my life have been dedicated to getting through university, which has completely taken over every aspect of my life. My major being very demanding totally took over my life. I was unhappy through the whole thing and gaming was I guess how I coped. Looked back at it now, that was the wrong answer. At some point in my degree, I realized that I'd have to give up my social life if I wanted to get through my major. At the time I thought fuck it, I can give up my life for the sake of my degree, and I really ended up doing that. Back then it seemed like a necessary sacrifice. I'm evaluating everything 2 years later and I'm absolutely baffled by my decision. How could I do that to myself? I'm miserable, lonely, unhappy, but I'll be graduated soon. All for a degree. The worst part is the truth is that it didn't have to be this way. I was busy throughout my day and had room to do pretty much school and one other thing in my life and I let that be gaming... What a fucking tragedy. I'm just so unbelievably upset with my decision 2 years later.

I allowed myself to turn off my conscious mind, go on auto pilot for 2.5-3 years now and I'm finally waking back up and seeing the time that's passed. I'm finally thinking about myself again, the decisions I need to make in my near future, and evaluating the current state of my life. I'll be graduated, but I don't know what I want to do with myself, and I'm not well at the moment. I'm just very unhappy. I used to be depressed, but I don't think that's what I am at the moment. My depression comes and goes, but right now isn't that phase. I did feel extreme feelings of depression earlier tonight though. Kind of still now. That's why at the end of my day I had to go to the store to buy a 6 pack. I couldn't just sit there and evaluate my thoughts sober and without gaming. It was all too depressing. I wanted to go out to buy some weed and get stoned, but as long as I'm doing this detox I can't let myself get high since the first thing I do every time is game or spend the whole night watching streams on twitch. There's just no self control the moment I'm stoned. Drinking I can still maintain control and enjoy myself a bit.

I spent the whole day thinking about how I have no life right now and that deeply upset me for the first time in a long time. I've felt this way for the past few years, but since I've just been on autopilot it didn't ever upset me. I don't have a life, I don't have very much direction, and I don't have any motivation at all. The reason it's so upsetting to me other than the obvious, is that I grew up with all of those qualities.

I lived my life every day. Maybe I wasn't happy through it, but I lived my fucking life. I did shit back then I didn't think was cool at the time, but looking back at it I'd do anything to have kept up that lifestyle. I was obsessed with music. It drove me. I woke up every morning eager to play music, make music, and improve. That's all I cared about. I wanted to be a musician. That was my passion, my purpose. My purpose in life was so clear. I didn't have a doubt in my mind. All I have now is doubt and uncertainty. Music was my direction. Music was my motivation. It what I went to bed and woke up thinking about every day. I made friends through music. I was able to travel through music. I was good at it. It gave me confidence. I was never a real confident person, but music gave me a taste of it. Music wasn't the only thing that drove me either. Skateboarding also drove me each day. Music and skating were all I thought about and all I did for a long time. Gaming was always in there, but there was a balance to it back then. I loved gaming, but I knew I was addicted back then too and I always wanted to quit. I played so much less back then than I do now and I still knew I needed to quit. College is really where my gaming addicting went off the handlebars. It makes me wish I never went. I took school seriously and I'm proud for doing so, but the time in between was all wasted to gaming. That I don't know if I can ever forgive myself for. If I could do it all again, I don't think I'd go to school at all. I don't know.

I'm just tired of wasting my time. Wasting my life. I feel like I'm bad at life and fixing that should matter to me. It didn't matter before, but it does now. This feeling is what needs to drive me thorough this detox. I miss living a life that I consider to be good. I want to look at myself for the first time in a long time and be able to say I'm good at life again. That's what I want out of this detox.

Edited by RB1
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8 minutes ago, RB1 said:

I only had one beer last night and I'm feeling slightly hungover for some reason.

I'd say it's better to drink two than one... One bottle is not enough so our brain is "angry," it didn't get enough for the night. 😂

11 minutes ago, RB1 said:

With a pre-planned schedule I can wake up and start doing something I know I need/want to immediately.

This is actually true for me. As soon as I wake up, I open my journal then look what do I need to do haha! I did what like others did, I started to plan simple tasks first. 🤣

12 minutes ago, RB1 said:

Plan 1 thing fun out for myself a week out.

This is nice! I should give myself one too. Thanks for the idea, @RB1😁

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22 hours ago, Amphibian220 said:

@RB1 can you talk more about working towards your goals. First of all, what kind of process helped you to gain clarity and understand what those goals are?

I feel like I've had some pretty standard life improvement goals that I've wanted to work at for a very long time now that I've pushed off for years (or some even forever). All my goals so obviously would improve my life that I don't think I needed a process to help gain clarity for what I wanted to work towards. I literally just have always thought "If I can implement these few things on a daily basis, I'd go to bed each night feeling much more satisfied."

What were the goals? What helped you to determine them?

Like I said, I've had these general goals in mind for a while. I did make them more specific and set a end date for my goals this time around though. The reason I was able to determine the specific goals and end date are actually because I'm graduating from university in half a year and I decided I want to feel better about myself before that time comes.

Goals (by Oct. 1st):

  • Fitness - Be able to do 3 sets of 10 pull-ups with a 1 min break between sets. Be able to job 5 miles on a consistent basis.
  • Save $XXX in my bank account
  • Have 5 different meals for breakfast, lunch, dinner memorized and perfected
  • Learn to balance my life with the use of electronics, especially the internet (which is why I'm doing this detox)
  • Get back in touch with some of my old hobbies (music, skating)

Have you revised your goals to suit the changing circumstances?

I have not and all and thank you for bringing this point up. I should definitely think this through. This is pretty much why my detox ended at 46 days a year back, which was the last time I really took a detox seriously.

Do you feel your motivation suffered because the goals weren’t measurable or action plans not detailed enough?

YES. I think this is so important. A year ago during my detox, I had pretty much the exact same goals, but without any specificity. I wanted to, get back in shape, save some money, become a better cook, take a gaming break, and pick up some hobbies. They were not specific and I didn't have an end date for when I wanted to accomplish my goals by. This time around I've improved both. My goals are actually even more specific than what I wrote above but I can't be bothered to go into further detail :)

Have you discovered more about your opportunities, threats, strengths and weaknesses as you embarked upon achieving these goals?

Not upon these goals specifically, but my first detox and the series of smaller detoxes I tried to do afterwards did lead to many very important points of self discovery in the last year. I even began seeing a therapist and tried anti-depressants because of these detoxes, both things I've thought I needed for a long time, but never had the courage to approach. I haven't been seeing my therapist because of lockdown and stopped taking anti-depressants after 6 weeks because they type and dosage was making me feel dizzy. I wish I kept my journal from my first detox since I wrote so many things I discovered about myself in it, but I thought it would be a good idea to delete it and make a new one once I relapsed and started my 2nd detox. I really regret doing that :(

please explain these points

That's it! Thank you for your comment. I appreciate all questions, comments, criticism, whatever. Hope you are doing well through your journey :)

 

 

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The hardest part of the detox is to stay clear of urges during breaks between activities. That + right when you get up and right before you go to bed. So far today I've lifted weights, played some piano, got a bit of school work done, cooked a healthy breakfast + lunch, and taken a nap. I just finished doing a bunch of yard work that I've been putting off for a while and im exhausted. All I wanna do is lay down in bed with my laptop and turn on a twitch stream or watch some gaming videos on youtube while I chill out. I feel like I deserve it as a reward for some of the work I've done today, but I know it's just a trap. I can't let myself believe that I can game if I accomplish my goals for the day and want a moment to relax. That's how it always starts. I say "fuck it" game for a bit, feel shitty about myself, then since I feel shitty I decide "why not just continue to game" since its what numbs me, and that cycle continues for months before I snap out of it again.

Under no circumstances can I let myself game or watch streams or gaming content on youtube as a reward for positive behavior. I know exactly where that leads.

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The gaming urges today are the worst so far. I remember this took about 2-3, closer to 3 weeks to start to ease down. Even after that it was rough to deal with. The thought is just constantly in the back of my mind. It's driving me crazy. It's not so much boredom today as it is just the habit/routine of gaming in my every day life begging me to get back to it. It's just such a normal part of my every day life to game or sit around watching gaming that I feel like my brain is confused as to why I'm not doing it. Everything within me is telling me just to game for like 30 minutes and I'll feel better. I forgot how difficult detoxes are when you really decide to commit. My last 5 or 6 detoxes I gave in in 1-2 days almost every single time. I just need to get through this day.

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Monday June 29th, 2020

Morning:

Just woke up. No headache today, and no immediate morning craving earlier. That's a first for both. I feel kindof drained, but once I get up and about that should be fine. Yesterday was an emotional rollercoaster, but I feel like today I will be a lot more stable. Something just came about me yesterday and I couldn't control my emotions. I ranted about some of it on my journal and it was really just the tip of the iceberg.

Things to do today/reasons to stay away from gaming. Lift weights, class, call cell phone service provider (I really need to do this now), go jogging, got a short work shift, schoolwork (I'd like to get a lot more of this done than I have in the last few days), sweep the kitchen floor, vacuum, more yard work, watch some tv. That should be a full day right there. I just need to get through this one day.

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End of day reflection:

Good and bad of things today. The good part was that I had very little cravings throughout the day. It made it easier to get through for sure. That's always a plus. I wish I can keep that feeling at a low every day. The bad part was I planned out my day in the calendar on my phone, but barely followed it. I started off my day like I planned, but it pretty much fell apart after that.

I've always been bad with schedules, better with to-do lists. I think scheduled are better for me in the long run, so I should really give it a serious shot. Really commit to the schedule I put out for myself. I just get lazy after a certain point. Maybe I need to be more realistic with my planning. I'm gonna try to plan out my day before I go to sleep, make it more realistic than today, make it as easy on myself as I can possibly make it, and really commit to following it.

I think that should be a serious goal of mine throughout this detox. Learn to follow strict, but realistically built schedules. I want to work on my time management and that's exactly how.

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Cravings aren't bad so far. A bit but it's much lighter than yesterday or the day before. I haven't got as much done today as I hoped, but there's still time left. I didn't get the cellphone business done and it's after hours, I didn't go on the jog I planned, and I only did 2 of 4 hours of schoolwork I planned to do. I think I'm going to finish the yard work I left behind yesterday then get back to the schoolwork. The job is gonna have to come tomorrow. No emotional rollercoaster today thank god.

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Tuesday June 30th, 2020

Morning:

Well, I've already missed my first planned task of the day. I'm upset about that, but I can't let it ruin the rest of my day. I'm literally just getting out of my bed and I'm so upset that I feel like it's going to affect the rest of my day. I'm such a momentum based person that everything needs to go right for anything to go right, otherwise it all goes wrong. If I start my day off wrong, I literally feel most the time "well today is over. Might as well forget about my plans till tomorrow. I'll get it right tomorrow." That type of attitude needs to go. I can't let a single thorn in my plans effect how I am for the rest of the day, week, or even month. I want to learn to plan ahead better, but that also means learning how to pick yourself back up when things don't go according to plan. @Amphibian220 made me think about that the other day when he asked how I intend to maintain my detox when circumstances change. I'm not very good, in-fact terrible at accounting for left turns. That's why whenever I go back to gaming for even one moment, the detox is over at that point every single time. I can't let the process collapse or I collapse with it. I need to work on this part of me. Mistakes are made, plans don't go accordingly, I make bad decisions, but I can't let one throw me off my game like it always does.

Anyways, I want to make it my goal for the rest of the day not to let my failed morning throw me off. I have some more things planned for the day and I want to stay true to them regardless.

Another thing on my mind is maybe I should try to cut drinking during this detox. I don't want to commit to it yet since I think it might be too hard to cut gaming and drinking (not that I have a drinking problem at all). It might be too difficult since gaming was what always took the edge off for me at the end of the day and I don't have that anymore. Drinking comes in at 2nd to help take off the edge. Getting stoned helps as well, but that will 100% cause me to relapse so I've already committed to giving that up during this detox. I just need one thing that will help me take off the edge that isn't problematic and that's drinking. The thing is it makes my morning slow no matter what. If I drink just a single drink the night before it keeps me in bed the next morning long enough to say fuck it to the first thing I planned for myself during the day. I don't know if I'll cut drinking yet, but I'll think about it for sure. I'm just afraid if I cut gaming and drinking and smoking, then it'll be all too much at once and cause me to relapse. Something like that happened during my first detox. I gave up too much for me to handle and I ended up relapsing and relapsing hard. I'll think about it though.

Edited by RB1
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Ughhh I'm so lazy today. No energy at all. I've just been laying down playing my guitar. Not very many cravings, but I'm not doing much either. I'm playing my guitar which is great, but I'm not doing any of the things I need to do. I've gotta pick myself up.

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I got off my fucking ass and finally went on a run! I finally did it! I've been procrastinating that for 3 days now I think? Well, I feel 80% better than I did before. Glad I chose to take a run instead of lay around on twitch like I almost ended up doing. I snapped out of that fast and am proud of myself. I'll go on another run Thursday and I'll do 3 miles. I only did 2 today, but you know I'm not a good runner and I'm trying to build up to 5. I'll get there in no time. I believe in myself.

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June 30th, 2020 Reflection:

Had a lazy day. Started off slow, tried to pick it up, but it never really did. I just had such low energy. I got the day off work so I wasn't really forced to get up and about. I planned out my day, but I didn't end up following it. Played a ton of guitar in bed which was nice, but I really wish I took care of the things I said I would at the times I planned. I said I wanted to begin following a schedule better last night, but that didn't work out so well today. I'll make another one before I go to bed and try again tomorrow. I'm not upset with myself since I'm just starting to work at this, but I really do want to try to become better at this.

I did end up going on a run this afternoon, which I'm really happy I did. I felt terrible in the afternoon. Just got real sad out of nowhere, which always makes me consider gaming again. I was drained, but somehow convinced myself to go on the run I've been saying I'd go on for the past few days. Ended up making me feel a whole lot better. That I am glad I did today.

I feel like the day flew by and I really spent most of it in my room. I mean I guess I did have 5+ hours of online class so that did take up a lot of my day. Other than playing some guitar, going on that job, and sitting around, I guess I did spend a lot of time listening to music today. I haven't sat down and just listen to music in a long time. I forgot how different of an experience it is to really immerse yourself in the music you listen to by listening and doing nothing else. It was a nostalgic and enjoyable experience.

I know I said I wouldn't count, but today's my 6th day of detox, which makes the end of tomorrow a full week of my final detox. It's a big deal since first of all I'm about to get through a full week of no gaming or watching gaming content, which is a big deal to me, but also because I said initially that I'd begin my detox on July 1st. I started a week earlier and I'm so glad. I planned on going on a gaming binge till the 1st, then cut it all out and start my detox then. If I spent this whole week gaming not only would I have been upset with myself, but I'd probably have been so hooked by the end of it that I wouldn't have been able to stop. I would've probably gotten through 1 or 2 days and gone back to gaming. I made the right choice a week ago to start then. Something felt right and I'm glad I listened to my intuition.

In just one week I feel so much better. I started off getting terrible headaches and now I don't. I actually had a slight headache today, but I don't think it was from detoxing from gaming today. The cravings have already gotten lighter. I've played a ton of music and I've started to exercise and eat right again. I'm doing my detox pretty well so far. I haven't even began to skate again like I said I would. Once I get that to be apart of my system, I think the detox will get even easier. I'm missing skating and socializing from my detox. Socializing is pretty difficult at the moment considering what's going on in the world. It would definitely help with my detox to see more people, but that's just not something that can happen at a regular basis right now. I will continue to stay strong and go about my detox. One day at a time.

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Wednesday July 1st, 2020

Morning:

It's the first of the month! like I said last night, I was actually supposed to begin my detox today, but I decided to start a week early. Today is day 7 of my detox, so I'll have gotten through a week at the end of the day! I said I wouldn't keep count of the days to reinforce my "one day at a time" mentality, but it's hard not to keep track in the back of my mind. Feeling good at the start of my day knowing I've kept away from gaming for a week.

Goals for the day: Lift weights and do class work. I really need to get a lot of class work done today so I'm gonna focus on that primarily. I also want to find three new meals to learn to cook, one each for breakfast, lunch, and dinner. I also want to commit to stay away from my guitar today since the tips of my fingers are killing me, my wrist feels wonky, and I'm having some joint pain in my pinky. Gotta take a break from it. I'm glad that I've been able to get so into it in the past week that I've gotta tell myself to lay off of it. That's a feeling I haven't had outside of gaming in a while.

I'm gonna go buy shoes to skate tomorrow then try to get back on my board by Friday. Hopefully I can really get back into it and have a whole other reason to stay away from gaming. I's been a wahile since I've gotten on my board so I'm excited.

I'v gotta stay away from gaming. One day at a time. Just get through this day.

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