Kuymaks journal

[Kuymak]

Hello,

I am new here and I would like to use this platform to write a journal and stop keeping this addiction to myself. So instead of withdrawing myself as before, I would like to do the opposite and communicate and admit that I am powerless over this addiction.

I make this a short one because English isn’t my native language and I want to start to write this journal asap, instead of starting my journal in couple of days. Because it would need much time to write everything down about my addiction especially in English. But my plan is to do this later.

 

In short, I have a severe gaming addiction together with mindless internet surfing and binge-watching movies and series.

Online gaming is not a problem for me, but I tend to lose myself in imaginary worlds. So my real life got fucked up.  Gaming until the next morning, thinking only about games, neglecting my studies, my social life and so on. But the most severe were the depressions.

I will try to keep my journal regularly. Even if at irregular intervals.

My first day of gaming sobriety is May 17, 2020. I don’t have Internet at my flat, so I will write some posts offline and post them afterwards.

Thank you for reading, I apologize for my bad English

Cheers
Kuymak

[Kuymak]

Addendum dated May 18

Today is day 2 since I quit gaming, internet surfing and movies.  I don’t have any games anymore and the last movies I have are at my parent’s house (I’m thinking about to get rid of them as well). So yeah, my drugs aren’t directly available for me.

So I’m glad I did this final step. There is no turn around for me. I will do it.

But I feel empty, totally tired and I’m scared. Today I’m at work so I’m busy. But from tomorrow on I have a couple of free days. I’m scared but this is the chance to do it better and live my life to the fullest. Without addictions.

[Kuymak]

Addendum dated May 20

I have sleep problems. I can’t sleep at night, so I’m tired the hole day. But I’m Sober. That’s most important. I’m feeling depressed, don’t have any energy to do anything. But I called my Brother today. He is a very important person in my life, but in the past, we were talking a lot about games, movies and so on. So, I told him I quit games and in future we have to talk about different things. He accepted this, but I have the feeling he didn’t understand why. For him gaming is important. But I’m glad about this telephone call. That was a big step for me.

[Kuymak]

Addendum dated May 21

I have no motivation to do anything, so instead of gaming I am reading a book. I am reading the book Sapiens: A Brief History of Humankind. Really interesting. In the
evening I was feeling better and started to deal with my addiction. Reading stuff and planning what to do instead of gaming in my freetime

 

Edited May 22, 2020 by Kuymak

[chiliflavor]

Welcome to the forums, @Kuymak!

40 minutes ago, Kuymak said:

Really interesting.
Reading stuff and planning what to do instead of gaming in my freetime

 

 

This is where it all begins, at simple things like these! I'm currently in detoxification too. I'm just doing everything what comes in my mind just to keep me off from reinstalling my games. 😂 Hope we and the others can get through this addiction. Cheers! 😁

[TheNewMe2.0]

Good job focusing on doing things other than gaming. Good luck.

[GrainSiloEnthusiast]

On 5/21/2020 at 11:20 PM, Kuymak said:

I would like to do the opposite and communicate and admit that I am powerless over this addiction.

"Step 1: We admitted we were powerless over our addiction - that our lives had become unmanageable."
This quote is from Narcotics Anonymous, but is applicable to gaming addiction as well.

But let's also keep in mind, being powerless over the fact that we are addicted doesn't mean we are powerless over our own actions! 
Every day we can make the choice to not game. Every day we can make the choice to pursue healthier hobbies and goals.

We've got this! You've been doing great so far. Keep it up, I'm rooting for you!

[Kuymak]

On 5/22/2020 at 9:14 AM, chiliflavor said:

Welcome to the forums, @Kuymak!

This is where it all begins, at simple things like these! I'm currently in detoxification too. I'm just doing everything what comes in my mind just to keep me off from reinstalling my games. 😂 Hope we and the others can get through this addiction. Cheers! 😁

Yes its not an easy one. But we can do it. We have one life and now we have the chance too live our live the way we really want. Keep it up

 

On 5/22/2020 at 8:03 PM, Erik2.0 said:

Good job focusing on doing things other than gaming. Good luck.

Thanks! I wish you the same!

 

On 5/26/2020 at 10:31 AM, GrainSiloEnthusiast said:

"Step 1: We admitted we were powerless over our addiction - that our lives had become unmanageable."
This quote is from Narcotics Anonymous, but is applicable to gaming addiction as well.

But let's also keep in mind, being powerless over the fact that we are addicted doesn't mean we are powerless over our own actions! 
Every day we can make the choice to not game. Every day we can make the choice to pursue healthier hobbies and goals.

We've got this! You've been doing great so far. Keep it up, I'm rooting for you!

Yes, you are right. It’s from a 12-step program. They have a lot of powerful tools. Like concentrate only on 24h each day. It’s a good mindset.

I like what you are writing. It’s like you said. We may be powerless but not helpless. We have tools to make a difference. Like writing a journal, planning the week(s) ahead and so on. We can make the choice not playing games today.

Keep it up!

[Kuymak]

summary of last days

 

For a couple of days, I was visiting my hometown. I was feeling better these days, because I was meeting old time friends and keeping my self busy with socialization. It was nice just to sit together and talk. Thanks to corona its not possible to meet with a lot of people at the same time. So, I was meeting some people separately. Which suited me well. Time passed quickly.

One friend I met, I now this guy since we are 6years old, is playing games in his free time a lot. In past times we played together often. I told him gaming is not a topic for me anymore. He couldn’t understand why, and he still believes I will play again in future. We will see.

Same for my sister. I don’t know why I told her, she doesn’t play games so there is no need to stop her talking to me about games. But she thinks I’m overdoing it… I think until now I was good to let my people think I have everything under control.

I don’t know something changes at the moment. I started to talk about my problems instead of withdrawing myself.

 

So today I’m back at my flat, in the city where I work.

My plan is to use the next days to plan my calendar. I’m excited.

 

Some thinks I would like to do in future:

-          Learning bass guitar

-          Learning french and spanish

-          Meditate frequently

-          Joining a meeting of travelers in the city

-          Writing a Book about my travels

-          Live and eat healthy

-          Go climbing more often

- and some more but im lazy 😛

 

Thanks for reading

[BooksandTrees]

Welcome to the community. I noticed you like climbing. I got really into rock climbing this year before the quarantine and I love it. It's my favorite activity to do now and I love the community. 

[TheNewMe2.0]

Hey that’s a nice list of potential hobbies. I’d love to find another hobby. I do meditation exercise reading and tv right now. Although idk if tv really counts. 

[Kuymak]

On 5/28/2020 at 5:44 AM, BooksandTrees said:

Welcome to the community. I noticed you like climbing. I got really into rock climbing this year before the quarantine and I love it. It's my favorite activity to do now and I love the community. 

Yeah, I also like to go hiking or to go mountaineering. But climbing is possible to do it regularly. Do you have some good opprtunities around where you living?

 

 

On 5/28/2020 at 10:58 PM, Erik2.0 said:

Hey that’s a nice list of potential hobbies. I’d love to find another hobby. I do meditation exercise reading and tv right now. Although idk if tv really counts. 

Yeah, I like to read a lot. It’s a dangerous thing for me because I tend focus only on reading and get lost in a fictional world. Especially after I quit games.  So, I like meditation a lot because you are focusing on the reality in this moment. Do you hear about Vipassana meditation?

[Kuymak]

summary of last days

 

I was feeling good despite of my sleep problems now. At the moment I don’t have really a temptation to game again. But at one day I had a strange experience. There was a thought about the previous games I played. I tried to stop to think about it but the thought was stronger. So, I gave in, and reexperienced my last 4 games. The story, the way my character was build and so on. I was proud about my achievements and enjoyed the story. After going through all 4 games I accepted this experience, swiped it away (like on a tablet) and everything was ok. It felt like a peaceful goodbye to a chapter of my past. I hope It remains like this.

I filled my calendar, but its not easy to do all the things because I’m tired most of the day. But every time I have energy there enough things to do

Before I always had a list with things Id like to do. The calendar solution is much better because now I can see how much free time I have and much time I (like to /have to) invest for each activity.

Thanks for readying

[BooksandTrees]

5 hours ago, Kuymak said:

Yeah, I also like to go hiking or to go mountaineering. But climbing is possible to do it regularly. Do you have some good opprtunities around where you living?

 

 

Yeah, I like to read a lot. It’s a dangerous thing for me because I tend focus only on reading and get lost in a fictional world. Especially after I quit games.  So, I like meditation a lot because you are focusing on the reality in this moment. Do you hear about Vipassana meditation?

 

No, I'm out of climbing until we get a vaccine. I like trails outdoors and have lots of those. 

[TheNewMe2.0]

Yeah I practice Vipassana I learned it from a book called Mindfulness in plain english. It's helped me through so much stress and non sense of life. I use it everyday. I sometimes get intrusive thoughts about playing games or how I'd play them. I try my best to think about something else and let those thoughts go. It can be a struggle. 

[Kuymak]

14 hours ago, Erik2.0 said:

Yeah I practice Vipassana I learned it from a book called Mindfulness in plain english. It's helped me through so much stress and non sense of life. I use it everyday. I sometimes get intrusive thoughts about playing games or how I'd play them. I try my best to think about something else and let those thoughts go. It can be a struggle. 

Thats good. I participated in a 10 day course a couple of years ago. It was a good experience and i would like to practice vipassana regularly. So I meditate 10 min each morning and evening.

[TheNewMe2.0]

That sounds good to me. Those 10 day courses sounded really difficult to me. Is that where you meditate 8 hours a day? I try to do the same as you do but have been ending up doing 10 in the morning only lately. 

[Kuymak]

1 hour ago, Erik2.0 said:

That sounds good to me. Those 10 day courses sounded really difficult to me. Is that where you meditate 8 hours a day? I try to do the same as you do but have been ending up doing 10 in the morning only lately. 

In my opinion I think it’s more important to meditate regularly, than to mediate for a long duration. But I’m not a monk ^^.
Yes you mediate the whole day in 10 days.  Its a good atmosphere, everyone is focused on meditation, and you don’t have to worry about preparing food or anything else. Just mediate. It‘s a really good experience

[Kuymak]

5.6.20

 

Today I’m not in a good mood. I woke up and and I felt some kind of depression and no motivation to do anything. But I’m glad I must work today, so I’m not alone and less tempted to do anything like gaming or wasting my time. Im glad I did the step and stopped gaming

[ceponatia]

I have bad sleep problems, too. I actually dread bedtime because I know I will be tossing and turning for a couple hours which is insanely boring. 

[TheNewMe2.0]

That meditation retreat sounds nice the way you put it. Sorry you're feeling down today. I hope you have a good next day.

[Kuymak]

On 6/6/2020 at 1:30 AM, ceponatia said:

I have bad sleep problems, too. I actually dread bedtime because I know I will be tossing and turning for a couple hours which is insanely boring. 

I can relate to your experience. I often have the same problem. It’s a dangerous situation for me because I am tempted to grab my smartphone and surf mindless the internet. And then its even harder to sleep.

 

On 6/6/2020 at 5:37 PM, Erik2.0 said:

That meditation retreat sounds nice the way you put it. Sorry you're feeling down today. I hope you have a good next day.

thanks mate

[Kuymak]

summary of last days

I’m feeling better nowadays. At a normal day I have no problems with games. I don’t have thoughts about them or the feeling that I must play.  That’s good. But on some occasions, it changes. For example, one friend of mine told me about a remastered version of a game that’s coming soon. A game that I wanted to play with him together in the past, but we hoped for a new version. So finally, there’s an announcement but for me the case is closed. I told him that, but I had cravings and I have craving this moment I am writing this.

Next weekend I will go with some friends in the mountains in order to climb. Corona regulations are ok, but the weather could be a problem. I’m looking forward to it but I’m also a little afraid. The people I’m going with usually drinking a (lot) alcohol. I decided for myself to stop drinking alcohol the next time, maybe forever. Will be interesting

Thanks for reading

[Realworlder]

1 hour ago, Kuymak said:

On 6/6/2020 at 12:30 AM, ceponatia said:

 

I can relate to your experience. I often have the same problem. It’s a dangerous situation for me because I am tempted to grab my smartphone and surf mindless the internet. And then it's even harder to sleep.

I recommend throwing phone/ other screens as far away from you at possible around bedtime. It was my doom, well it still is, but I try to stop all screen time at least 30 min before sleep. It makes a tremendous difference. Moreover, I would recommend reading if you enjoy it. I am a massive advocate of reading, so I tend to be biased, but I think it is a great hobby to pick up. 

The cravings will get weaker with time, but I am afraid that they might hang around longer than we would like to. I still think about some games which I had on my list that I wanted to play. But it is essential to recognise the craving and cravings on different activities.

Enjoy your weekend. Climbing sound like fun!

[TheNewMe2.0]

Good idea to come and post on here when experiencing cravings. I do the same. Drinking and climbing sounds dangerous good call not going for the alcohol. It will probably be a little difficult to not drink, but if you think you can do it then you'll probably be fine. Good luck on your climb.