What's the point?

[Wonderer]

The title, when you are born you own nothing and once you are dead you own nothing, so it doesnt really matter what you do during your life or am I wrong? There is nearly 8bil people on this planet and i swear everybody is running around getting as much money as possible to get the best car, house they can afford, I dont know, i find it boring. Get a girlfriend, marry her, have kids, maybe divorce along the way, maybe you can end up in MGTOW or red pill communities... why would one want to, i dont know, have sex? I im 24 years old male and I dont find it very important, same as having a girlfriend, she'll just waste your time and you'll waste hers, i mean maybe you have her for sex, how does the drama and time spent on her even compare to the positive side? I never had a girlfriend or sex and the older i get, the less important it seems to me. How does a truck driver life compare to the normal life or the gamers life, time runs in all of them and all you really need is food, water and a roof above your head, why should a gamer quit gaming to do other things in life, make enough to live should be enough? Now i know there are benefits to quitting, I am just not sure that they are worth it, maybe 20 years from now i'll think way differently than i do now, or maybe tomorrow. I stutter, it is because of childhood trauma and it screwed up my whole life and I started to game when i was 10, heavy gaming came around by the time i was 13 i guess, super heavy around 17... now if i go and quit gaming, what is out there for me, i think that i'm not loveable, I think that people have plenty of reasons to hate me even before knowing me, I've got nothing to offer besides the fact that i had screwed up childhood, my dad died when i was 10, i was thinking about suicide when i was 13 (check the numbers above), now i'm sorry i didnt do it back then, cuz sure as hell i'm not doing it now, after i decided not to do it no matter what i started to look for ways to get into crime, if you want you can check stats of children who lost their dad early and the rates of suicide and involvement in crime, if i remember correctly it's all above 50% above the norm... how can i know, i'm not going to look for ways to get into it again? Gaming saved me in some way but screwed me up even more in the other, because of running away from the problem, the problem is much bigger now, switching jobs, gaming, depression especially after my best friend commited suicide in january and one other very good friend died in a car crash, his bro, a very good friend too, doesnt want to hear about me anymore, because of reasons... right now if i go for a walk in the nature i end up almost crying, i dealing with that kind of stuff for so long i learned how not to cry so gg to me. It is always like that, it's like walks wake up my depression, or should I say walks are the worst, anything out of the screen is like overthinking everything over and over again. It's like i'm on the edge of crying all the time and i refuse to cry, because it sucks. I have no one to talk to, i'm not going to involve my sis or mom into this. Then again why would anyone ever want to talk to me? Better off without me. So you see, if i quit gaming i have nothing else but open world infront of me in which I dont see a place for myself and anything outside of gaming doesnt seem even appealing, why would i try to do anything, you come with nothing, you go with nothing no matter what you did in your life. Also success is relative, someone is happy just a roof above their had, someone needs a new BMW in the garage, someone needs 5 Lambos and 4 Ferraris in their garage and they are still not happy, define success if you want, not everyone will agree with you no matter what you do. Before i started to talk about my stuttering, excuse me but i type what comes into my head right now, feelings i guess... during last 14 years there were days i didnt game and i didnt have time to think about it and i forgot about stuttering too, i felt happier, more relaxed life was good. Now when i think about it, i was running around like chicken without a head doing stuff which didnt even matter a day later, it's the same with gaming, i know but i'm less impressed with my real life accomplishements then virtual ones... i forgot to tell that i was bullied a lot when i was a kid and i fought a lot too, always had just a few friends but never as old as me, outsider for life, sometimes i feel like, i feel like an outsider maybe i should give others a few reasons to make them think of me that way too (crime), give people a few reasons to hate me, i already think by default people dislike me so why not, nothing to lose right? Right? Maybe, but doing crime is hurting other people, i'd like to help, i'd like to help people have better life than i did and if there is the smallest chance of me having a kid and me putting a kid thru the same stuff i went thru, then i dont want a kid. I dont want to anyone ever know what is inside my head, i dont want to share these feelings, i do share here because you dont really know who i am. The moment i'd tell this to someone in real life i'd want that person out of my life, "you know too much, go, or i'll go". You get it when i say, doing gaming is the most purpose in my life i ever had? Everytime i did anything else i felt useless, even when i did good, someone can always do it better so why bother, your girlfriend can always find a better man, bigger dick, more money, more love. I could go on, in the end the point is your are expendable, you are not special, no one is and at the end you are going to die and your life will be just fraction of the time in the billion years of history... 

My gaming today and yesterday, yesterday only 3 hours, today none and i dont even feel like it... today i spent whole day thinking, about that friend of mine who commited suicide, 4 brothers and 2 sisters, he was 21 years old, 3 days away from 22 and about gaming. I watched a video in which Cam talks about his depression and thinking about doing suicide, he decided that suicide is not an option and i did that too, a long time ago, i'm kinda sorry now, but it still isnt an option, but it was for my friend, and my dumb ass had no idea, while i went thru probably similar stuff he did,  and i didnt notice. Guess what at the end it doesnt matter, life goes on, you only got memories and i got good ones in gaming and a lot of sad ones in real life, so going into real life feels wrong, it was bad so far. But wait isnt all of this life, who can say what is real life and what isnt, it is always you, you game or you dont, it is you, it is me. Maybe the difference is, gaming detaches you from the real you, but what if the real you is Al Capone? One other thing i have in common with Cam, i go all in or nothing, when i work i work, boss comes and says to slow down, i dont know how, i dont know how to speed up, i'm all in all the time no matter what i do. Putting that all in, in something else scares me, imagine playing poker, doing good but out of the blue you decide to play something else, because you think poker is bad for you. Or maybe if i wouldnt be so busy gaming i would notice my friend having issues and he'd still be here. Now if i think about it, if everything is real life, and you are all in on something, arent you all in, in life?

Part of me would like to quit gaming, but my life outside of gaming was bad so far and i dont think i want anything outside of gaming, a car to get me from a to b, food, water and roof above my head. Me having a girlfriend seems like a joke to me, back in my childhood being bullied i felt like a monster, something so aweful no one wants you in their life, so a girl dating this monster, must be nuts. I dont think i'm ever going to let anyone so close to me. So what's the point of getting out of gaming, to be alone and actually realise it? How is that good? I support all of you, if you think that's what you want, do it and dont look back, i believe anyone can do amazing stuff in life, only if he/she wants to, if that is first step for you to getting there, just do it man. You know the screen in GTA when you die, "wasted", i'm wasted i just keep on going, running on nostalgia fuel and i dont think there is anything outside of gaming for me, but bad life. People saying "so you are 24 and you are learning this now, not 10 years ago" or just looking at me like im from another planet, i've had enough of those looks in my life you know, honestly i feel like i killed someone when i was 4 years old, i know i didnt but i feel like that, i just want to run, get it out of my head. Hide but there is nowhere to hide. I dont imagine life outside of gaming, usually when i get a job, people get to close to me and i quit, back to gaming. Now someone will say get professional help, you mean i should pay someone to listen to me? I dont need that, juts normally talking to someone is enough to me, but i need to fell th connection. Back in highschool we had a teacher, once i spoke about something to him, stuttering, normal, then he goes, now say that again without stuttering, i know you dont stutter, the 4th time i said it without stuttering. He believed in me, even if only for a minute, the last person who i could tell believed in me, died when i was 10. After that middle school teacher once sat me down after, well i was very bad kid at that time, smarter than anyone, screwing up with teacher. So once this one teacher afterthe class told me to come with her, we came to a room in the school i didnt know even existed, told me to sit down and asked me if there is anything wrong, if there is anything i need to tell anyone, i said no, there is no such thing, this was when i was 14, so there was, i just didnt want to talk cuz i felt like an outsider, the point is, she cared, gave me hope. But that was about it, positives in my life, there could be more but i believed people didnt want to deal with me so i didnt deal with people, so i felt alone. Now i think there is no way back for me, part of me just wants not to talk to anyone, the other part wants to get to know everybody... so what's the point in quitting gaming guys? I felt somewhat well for past 10 years or so, i was running but it wasnt as bad as when i didnt run, now if i stop running i'm too scared of all this coming after me once again, there is no one to hold me when all of this crashes into me, depression would go thru the roof as i would realise how bad it is. 3 months ago i got drunk and all of this came after me, ended up crying for an hour and drinking for the whole next day. I am not getting drunk ever again and i'm also not letting this is out ever again. It has the power to ruin me. How can i quit gaming then? Seriously, how?

 

Sorry for bad english at times, it is my second language so... also dont try to help me fix me, i dont think it's possible, i'm just too deep. Feels like being in jail for life and being able to see people live their normal boring lifes, while i actually have fun in jail. Not sure if i should post this, post and then delete maybe... i dont know. I dont want to drag anybody down this hole, not something i let people to see.

[Alexanderle]

@Wonderer You have written quite a lot and I think it would deserve a detailled answer. But I am a bit tired right now, so I only focus on the important things. But I am glad to discuss this further. 

1 hour ago, Wonderer said:

also dont try to help me fix me, i dont think it's possible, i'm just too deep. Feels like being in jail for life and being able to see people live their normal boring lifes, while i actually have fun in jail.

You are fixable. I assume that everyone is fixable. But only, when someone is ready to fix himself as well. I think therapy for instance rarely works, if someone is not in the mood to get help. So it is up to you. But lets get to the important stuff.

 

1 hour ago, Wonderer said:

The title, when you are born you own nothing and once you are dead you own nothing, so it doesnt really matter what you do during your life or am I wrong?

What you are saying up there is that life is pointless, because we have not yet found ways to do something in order to live eternal or to beat death. That would be like saying that you should not dance to music, because the end result is the same. But we dance, because we dance right? We like it. We feel this groove, it makes us move! But if you consier the dance to be pointless and you just sit on the ground and wait until the song ends - is that really the same as dancing and embracing the music? 

I have some questions: Where would you end up, if you would find ways to deal with the current problems of yours? And how would you feel after dealing with them? Maybe at first it is important to get an overview of all the current problems. But they are worth fixing.

What happens when you cheat in a game, lets say a basketball simulation? You know for sure that you will hit the net every single time without even trying very hard. And you will win the game for sure. How fun is that? It is the uncertainty that we love in games. Life is the same: Without challenges, you are dead. And there is nothing better in life than solving a problem. That is actually your only mission: Solve problems. Animals hunt to solve the problem hunger. Only that we have become soooo good that we needed new problems. We actually turned it around and now have too much food. So the new challenge is to find a way to deal with abundance.

Trust me: I was in a situation like you. My life is still pretty much this huge challenge, but my perspective has changed. And I don't buy into the premise that there is no difference between someone, who takes care of his kids and tries to help other people or someone, who just lies in his bed all day long. I don't buy it! Sure, both will die, but one contributed to his environment. The other was just a cold stone. Stones are boring. Stones are already dead.

And you are not a stone. You are a wonderful human being, who is far more capable to solve these things than you realize. Once you embrace your nature as a problem solver and get your life in order,  life is not a burden anymore. It is still hard and annoying, but you have changed. You have to realize that it is absolutely valuable for everyone, including you, to get everything in order, whatever is missing. Once you start with this process and take care of yourself, like you deserve, it creates a chainreaction. 

[Wonderer]

@Alexanderle Ye ok, maybe, i part of me knows all of that, i just dont consider it as an option for me, or maybe i do, but an option with very small chance of success... Yesterday after typing this post, i wasnt sure what do to, play, go watch tv, ended up going to bed, woke up today just before 8, ate something, went to town to get some stuff done, now it's 10, i'm thinking about playing for a while, maybe 2 hours, going for 3 hour walk then, a work out, should be almost evening by then, another 2 hours of gaming and then of to bed... it's just, i was thinking for past 24 hours or so, I am not interested in competitive gaming, it's waste of time for me, the games which i play are relaxing for the most part, that's why i find them so annoying lately cuz i get time to think about depression and honestly, i liked yesterday, no games, almost no tv I was fine with my depression, it is here and maybe i should take it as a need for a change... i think i'm going to start to play less and start doing some of the things i think i might be interested in, i mean i already would if it wouldnt be for the virus, i cant wait for fitnesses to open, this is the first thing i'm doing in that direction, just to i dont know get into better mood, start vibing higher, just get out there kind of... I know i dont need gaming, just as i dont need anything else in my life, it's my choice what i want to do and what i dont want to... i took time to read some stories on this forum yesterday, i realised i was never that much of an addict, maybe i had a few months or weeks now and then, but never on bad food, never staying up all night, hell when i played Farming sim 17 the most, i was going to bed early and waking up around 5 or 6, went for a walk twice in a day etc, i clearly wasnt working at the time but i wasnt glued to the screen... these days i play games where i can quit or pause whenever i need or want to, i dont want to feel like i need to keep playing, when it's enough it's enough, i think i'm developing healthy way of gaming, i play for myself not for others to show of my skill, singleplayer games mostly, goal for today is x and y, i do that and i'm out, and usually it goes exactly like that, that's probably why i started to realise my state of mind and in the social world outside of games, as i want less from games i want more from life, but i'm not sure what i want... for the past year i've been listening to videos on youtube about, money making and making myself better, i think i started to move in that direction, i'd kinda like to all in but i dont feel save to do that yet, also, gaming is the part of the day when i have time to listen to those videos, plus since i dont know what in real world really attracts me, beside talking to people, that's number one thing i'd like to do, just talk to people, get to know everybody who crosses my way, that's what i used to do at parties, get a bit drunk and just go around getting to know people, i'd like to do that without drinking... i dont think i'm quitting gaming, the way it goes right know it might just happen on it's own, i dont mind it staying or going away, if it is staying i need to keep developing this mindset which wants human interaction and not being alone... i've been doing that for past two years too, just sit and do nothing, trying to understand why i do things the way i do, why i think the way i do... so you see, am i an addict, maybe, but not hardcore and i see and easy exit out of it, it's right infront of me, i just need to do what feels right, buying a few books seems right, learning a few new languages, getting deeper into getting informations from rich people about their business, getting fit. I can do it all if i stop killing time with gaming and i do gaming as something when the day is almost over and i really got nothing else to do and i think i will find that easy... also when you were gaming, have you maybe noticed the less games you actually play the happier you are? it is true for me, i never have time to really focus on the game if i got too many of them, so i started to work on that too, a few things and being good at them is always better than having a lot and being average at them, real life or gaming... again alot to read, i dont know just things that came into my mind while tying, i'll update in the evening.

[Alexanderle]

@Wonderer Listen. I will not say you to stop gaming, because gaming does not need to be the enemy. The problem is that certain institutions would have no purpose without an enemy. Where would feminists be without an evil patriarchial system? Where would gamequitters be, if games are not a problem? Where would be nofap, if porn would not be the problem? The thing is: They are not the problem: It is about the person, who acts out. And I think that generally speaking, if I do something, which makes me miserable to some extend than it is time to change something. For instance, when I would play hardcore some games and I would feel bad WHILE doing it, because I felt that I would procrastinate on important stuff that seems not right for me. But if I spend 9 hours a day working on my thesis and despite the fact that it is hard, I feel good and like I accomplished something - that is something different for me.

2 hours ago, Wonderer said:

I know i dont need gaming, just as i dont need anything else in my life, it's my choice what i want to do and what i dont want to... i

That is the beauty of being a human being. You have this choice. But I would advise to still go for challenges, still find a valuable purpose to follow, have a nice routine in your life. That is a really good thing. And of course there are drastic differences. One person is happy with becoming pro in something and invests everything in that. Even to the point, where the person would give up time with family and friends etc. I mean, I generally think, a well balanced life would probably be a better thing, but everyone is different. And if gaming for 3 hours a day is a nice thing for you to do and it is not a problem that is fine. More power to you. My response to you just focused around the idea that giving up on all challenges and live a life without responsibilties seems to be the worse alternative. I think taking responsibility for something or someone (even yourself) doing the things you like and chasing after some dreams is valuable (not just money). You have no idea, how much my life has changed, since I developed this hardcore passion in psychology. It's unbelievable. I therefore advise you to experiement, keep looking and challenge yourself. Maybe you don't see the purpose for now, but that can change very drastically. 

2 hours ago, Wonderer said:

I was fine with my depression, it is here and maybe i should take it as a need for a change

Keep in mind that a depression is just an agreed upon label. Many different people have shown many different symptoms in different situations and then it would be agreed upon to call it depression. I fear that a person is depressed, when he or she feels that all the life's challenges are too much too handle. Up to the point, where even just leaving bed becomes a challenge. That is, when some structure in your life can be useful.

 

2 hours ago, Wonderer said:

i think i'm going to start to play less and start doing some of the things i think i might be interested in, i mean i already would if it wouldnt be for the virus, i cant wait for fitnesses to open, this is the first thing i'm doing in that direction, just to i dont know get into better mood, start vibing higher, just get out there kind of...

And you already have certain things to go for - that is great. Do that. I am a fan of doing! 

2 hours ago, Wonderer said:

i just need to do what feels right, buying a few books seems right, learning a few new languages, getting deeper into getting informations from rich people about their business, getting fit. I can do it all if i stop killing time with gaming and i do gaming as something when the day is almost over and i really got nothing else to do and i think i will find that easy... also when you were gaming, have you maybe noticed the less games you actually play the happier you are?

Awesome. Just stay curious and try out these things. Some things you will probably dislike, others you will liike. And that is ok! And I agree regarding the gaming stuff. The last days, I allowed myself to play games on my phone, but I just could'nt - other things were more meaningful to me. I am also fine to allow to eat sweets, but I just feel that a nice body is the better choice for me. It really is about finding out, what is more important to you. 🙂 

And I think, I know what you mean regarding playing less. The moment, when I would play so drastically, so much that I would be tired, my ears were burning and I would feel pain in my back but continued to play - guess what:  It was horrific. But I remember you said that you could always stop, whenever you wanted. I never really could do that. Now I am struggling to do it at all. Funny how things have changed. xD

[alphadax]

15 hours ago, Wonderer said:

The title, when you are born you own nothing and once you are dead you own nothing, so it doesnt really matter what you do during your life or am I wrong? There is nearly 8bil people on this planet and i swear everybody is running around getting as much money as possible to get the best car, house they can afford, I dont know, i find it boring. Get a girlfriend, marry her, have kids, maybe divorce along the way, maybe you can end up in MGTOW or red pill communities... why would one want to, i dont know, have sex? I im 24 years old male and I dont find it very important, same as having a girlfriend, she'll just waste your time and you'll waste hers, i mean maybe you have her for sex, how does the drama and time spent on her even compare to the positive side? I never had a girlfriend or sex and the older i get, the less important it seems to me. How does a truck driver life compare to the normal life or the gamers life, time runs in all of them and all you really need is food, water and a roof above your head, why should a gamer quit gaming to do other things in life, make enough to live should be enough?

...

Part of me would like to quit gaming, but my life outside of gaming was bad so far and i dont think i want anything outside of gaming, a car to get me from a to b, food, water and roof above my head. Me having a girlfriend seems like a joke to me, back in my childhood being bullied i felt like a monster, something so aweful no one wants you in their life, so a girl dating this monster, must be nuts. I dont think i'm ever going to let anyone so close to me. So what's the point of getting out of gaming, to be alone and actually realise it? How is that good?

Hmm.  I guess it depends on your mindset.  But it is true, there was a time when you didn't exist in this world, and there will be a time when you will be gone from this world.  Nothing matters because the universe will end someday anyway, right?  You could live your life thinking like that, if you wanted to.  How do you think that would make you feel?  How do you think that would make other people feel about you?  Probably not good.  Who wants to live a life with no purpose?  But we humans are pretty amazing, and we can change the way we think about life.  We can choose to give our lives meaning: whether it be through the promise of an afterlife, through the relationships we share with others, or something else.  Once you take responsibility for yourself and your life's purpose, the possibilities are endless.  You can make your purpose whatever you want it to be.  What is it that makes you happy?  What is it that makes you feel fulfilled?  Is it a good cheeseburger and a pint of beer?  Is it gaming?  Is it talking to a friend?  Or something you have yet to find out?

I think we all quit gaming because we didn't want to play games anymore.  Whether or not we realized it, gaming was having an overall negative impact on our lives.  That might not be true for everyone who plays games, but it was true for us.  Gaming wasn't something we saw as fulfilling our life's purpose anymore--it wasn't leading us to become the people who we wanted to become.

[ceponatia]

The OP's post is interesting (truly) and as someone else said there's a lot packed into one post so I'll do my best to address the main points. They're taking an entirely logical (and in my mind correct) premise but viewing it through the lens of emotional trauma and massive depression which then extrapolates the premise into logical fallacies. That's problematic because the two can't be reconciled. There is no point to life; there is no will behind creation beyond your parents' entirely selfish biological need for a child. Does that matter?

No. We already exist; choosing to do nothing with our existence is not only incredibly lazy, it's also impossible. The OP states in their case that they don't desire sex, a career, possessions, or money. This is possible but unlikely. Nihilism (of which the aforementioned post is a casual take on) is problematic because it's a reaction to religious dogma. In the modern, less dogmatic world, nihilism loses a lot of its clout because most people already know that there is no purpose to our being here. If purpose was necessary there would be massive amounts of suicide all over the globe. Clearly purpose doesn't have as much value as those without purpose place on it. It has value in higher stages of life but people in advanced stages of addiction who are so depressed that they can't see reason to even support themselves are not yet ready to contemplate which purpose speaks to them. Purpose is a choice, not something a god or your parents give you.

If you don't quit gaming, you will live in abject misery until you die. Based on everything you've written this is much closer to fact than opinion. You're living your life entirely on autopilot and outbursts such as this one are your physiology's way of coping with the obvious knowledge that it's not the right thing to do. Your anger is directed in every direction except at the person responsible for your state: you.

Most addicts claim that they are smarter than everybody else but this is bluntly false. If they were truly that intelligent they wouldn't waste their lives drinking and playing video games. Why do people "chase" money, family, and so on? Partly biological necessity and partly because they have been taught that they need to prepare for the future. It's unfortunate that addicts (myself included) were never properly educated on this fact. You don't simply keep playing video games until you get old and die. As they age the extreme addict is forced to work worse jobs while they get sicker both physically and mentally until they are no longer able to support themselves. Death is no release here, either. They continue to live for years as wards of the government either on the street, in shelters, or in the hospital. They don't get to play video games there.

Personally, I find going to college and finding a life partner to be a logical solution to this potential threat.

[Wonderer]

Firstly i'll respond to your replies,

@Alexanderle I got to comment that thing on feminism first, because of feminism there is MGTOW, red pill community and all the other pills plus mans right movements, all because of feminism... i'll end that here, no need to say more about it as it is not main subject. I agree with challenges and responsibilites, no fun without that and ye things are going to change i just need to figure out where i am right now, which i think i just did. I do have structure in my life, it probably isnt the best tho and ye, i got too much to deal with at once, that's for sure. I'd comment more but i'd really like to share something.

@apatton090 It would make me feel like i feel every now and then these past few months, worthless, no point in doing anything. Others dont bother dealing with such people, we just drain all your energy out of you because we are so sure in our negativity. There was a time in my life when i knew what makes me happy and i was afraid i'll lose that, i was right, i did lose it. (read below)

@ceponatia You are right it isnt really possible not to desire all of that, i do desire probably all of but i dont find it necessary to get thru life, maybe the basic needs but above that, you dont really need surplus of anything, however it is nice if it is there. Hell if i think about it ignoring depression, i want to live between Slovenia, Greece and Canada, have the type of work that would let me work on computer and move around whenever i feel like it... purpose is a choice indeed, you know the number one thing Jordan Peterson suggest to his patients who have depression, get a job, you need purpose in your life. Being responsible about where i am, yep, more accurate, my mindset, the things i believe in...

 

Ok, so let me update on how my day went today, i got a bunch of stuff done, really, went for a walk, 4 hours on random stuff in the town and around the house. Woke up just before 8, i did game between 10.30 and 12.30, then i had 2 hour break, just doing random stuff that needed to get done and went for a walk, did some running too, did another 2 hours of gaming, just killing time actually, but something fun happend. After i came home from the walk i decided to play FS19, pretty boring game if you ask any hardcore gamer, i've put 1000 hours on it in one year, in real life i'm actually very interesting in anything whit a steering wheel, so farming, trucking and things like that are pretty high on my interest list... so i get into it and the moment i started to drive up and down the field, depression hits, i notice and instead of giving it power i ask why, i used to love that game, not because i was addicted to it but because it used to relax me to the point where I loved being me, outgoing, relaxed, really good state of mind i even got into cooking, enjoyed my job, really good times... I wasnt able to find an answer right away, I only figured out it has to be something with dopamine... 2 hours later, i did what i planned for today, exit the game, check youtube, gamequitters video in suggestions and it is Cam talking about his addiction to WoW, interseting, there i had another suggestion of a video of a guy who I subed to and watch his videos very often cuz i find them  to be just what i did and what i want to know. It is a guy whos making really good money basically and i find rich people to be the best people to learn from and he has some experience with gaming too.

Here's the vid: 

 After watching that I went for the second walk today, I was thinking about it for an hour and i figured it out. The games which  play are the same as they were a year ago but something else change in my life, i lost 2 very good friends who were the only people i ever figured really wanted to talk to me, the first one was bad but i went on, the second, well that's when depression started. No matter what I play i feel the same, all the motivation gone, it is just that i dont have anyone to talk to anymore. When i was i kid other kids talked to me only when they bullied me, so when someone wants to talk to me without needing anything from me, this feeling is better for me than playing any video game i ever played. I also started to play more with multiplayer games just because of that, in the game it was me but it wasnt the me who was bullied all the time, i was able to normally interact with people, that's why i stayed to this day. But since then something changed, I started to play games where there is no or very little of MMO element, so i'm stuck with myself unless i would try to join some unknown people on their server, which i dont know why they would want me, no one ever wanted me, why would someone want me now. So yea, my depression is from lack of communication with people, maybe 30% of it is from addiction from gaming, if there is any at all. I quit all the jobs to this day because i felt so good talking with the two friends i had, all i wanted was to talk with people who actually want to talk to me and i dont feel like they are forced into it. Now what i decided, i'll keep on gaming, but i will not look for interaction with people in it, for that I'm going out there, getting a job where i work with people, going places where i get to talk with people, doing stuff where i... you get the point? Gaming will be a break from all the people, this is the solution to my depression. I can quit gaming all i want, if i dont get to feel better in real life, this isnt going to help me... so yea i think that's it, it will be hard tho, i went thru life thinking people just dislike me just after seeing me, let alone talking, because of stuttering... the thing is i dont stutter when i know that it is not me where the problem is at, so yea, change the mindset, change the life in my case, what do you think is harder addiction or change the way you look at yourself? I am thinking, i'd prefer addiction right now, cuz now i have to rewire everything i figured i knew in order to fix myself. Also thank you for all the comments. 🙂

Edit: I dont think i made it clear, gaming has changed so much for me since my other friend died, it just isnt the same anymore, that's why it would be really easy for me quit right now, back then i wouldnt even consider this forum, why? The only really mineaningful human interaction i got from gaming, there was no way to quit, now it doesnt really matter, i just have to get out there and meet people, I dont want gaming to be my only way to communicate with the world.

Edited May 20, 2020 by Wonderer

[OptimisticMalcontent]

@WondererHey, man. Read your original post and I can relate. I was also bullied and made to feel undateable in school. What helped me was talking to a therapist. A therapist  can help you to re-frame the trauma you experienced and build a new you. The REAL you. Keep fighting, we'll support you!

[Wonderer]

@OptimisticMalcontent Thank you, for theraphy i need money which i dont really have right now, so i just think a lot. But i know that at one point i'll have to do it.

[creationlist]

1 hour ago, Wonderer said:

Thank you, for theraphy i need money which i dont really have right now

Where do you come from? For normal there should be volunteers in any country/region where you can get help.

Also, try meetup groups or just get out to see some people. Staying at home and only thinking about stuff does not help. You need social interaction to get other thoughts.

Also call liveline help (if your in america, there are alternatives everwhere in the world), suicidal thoughts are a serious problem. It's nothing to be ashamed of. Everyone had that thoughts sometime in their live.
Either if you loose your real love or if you loose your job. People are willing to help you there, better than we can do.

Really talking to someone is nothing that should require you to spend money. Talking to someone is better than typing stuff in this forum.

[OptimisticMalcontent]

On 7/25/2020 at 6:02 AM, Wonderer said:

@OptimisticMalcontent Thank you, for theraphy i need money which i dont really have right now, so i just think a lot. But i know that at one point i'll have to do it.

Ideal therapy is between you and a mental health professional (Preferably a Psychologist or Licensed Clinical Social Worker), but when these options are not available it could be talking to a friend who's nonjudgmental and a good listener. It could also be expressing yourself through writing or music or art. The idea is that you face the challenges you have in your life and unpack them in a healthy way.

[Stanly Kwok]

You sound like you're 'woke'. Have you ever considered that maybe you came from another planet? (I know it's a super crazy question 🙂 )

[Wonderer]

@OptimisticMalcontentI see, and it makes sense, i'm trying to do journaling just for myself, every day 10 minutes, just to write down my thoughts, but right now my routine is seriously messed up.

@Stanly Kwok I'd bet my ass that someone who is from another planet as no idea of the fact, if that is even possible so I can't answer to that question, however I am interested in spiritality,  consciousness and business and how the world really works actually... If you would ask me who do i think I am, I would have to answer that I am a person who has no idea who he is or, is too afraid to say what he thinks he is... I mean after all, just because you think you are something (sexy, smart...) it doesnt mean that you actually are.

 

Sorry for being inactive for a month, my mom died on 26 of july, my routine got totally messed up and right now nothing in my life feels normal... I just cant get myself to do anything that I really like, so even I started to hate sleeping and sometimes I just wake up angry, usually at myself.