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gargamel
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I've noticed there's a direct relationship between my sexual energy and how much a woman is wearing, lol. And not in a way one might expect. If a girl is totally naked or has an outfit that exposes her breasts or something (like those "outrageous" Oscar's dresses that are the rage these days) I'm not even remotely interested but just a little skin I'm like a dog. Lol. 

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@ceponatia I experienced the same thing a lot. I love seeing girls that show a lot of skin but I don't get aroused by it. I need to be first put into a proper mindset by her behavior, and then it is even a plus if she is covering a lot, because I love undressing them.

Entry 8 (day 10)

Day passed. Me and my brother were planning to go out tonight but in the last moment my brother said he is tired and not in the mood. This  reminded me that my initial plan was to go on this "vacation" by myself. Don't know how my brother's other plans failed. I wonder how different I would spend my days if I came here alone. He is great, social and cheerful person but i don't need him here. Which reminded me of another thing - I need to reclaim my assertiveness again and learn to do my own thing whenever I feel like it. I became really complacent with whatever people around me are doing. Which actually makes me also passive and reactive instead of active. I don't like myself at the moment.

Daily gratitude: Grateful for having enough of a clear vision to notice that I don't like my lack of assertiveness and proactivity at the moment. I was much better at it even 10 years ago. I have a genuine mood in which I live in my head, I need to learn to wear it more on my sleeves and make others accustom to it.

P.S. Just decided I'll go to the beach alone tomorrow morning.

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On 8/12/2020 at 9:37 PM, ceponatia said:

I've noticed there's a direct relationship between my sexual energy and how much a woman is wearing, lol. And not in a way one might expect. If a girl is totally naked or has an outfit that exposes her breasts or something (like those "outrageous" Oscar's dresses that are the rage these days) I'm not even remotely interested but just a little skin I'm like a dog. Lol. 

 

On 8/12/2020 at 11:17 PM, gargamel said:

@ceponatia I experienced the same thing a lot. I love seeing girls that show a lot of skin but I don't get aroused by it. I need to be first put into a proper mindset by her behavior, and then it is even a plus if she is covering a lot, because I love undressing them.

I feel the same. There's nothing to be curious about once you've seen all of it or most of it. Well-fitting clothes can make both men and women look better than they would look otherwise. Plus the ritual of physical undressing (assisted or not 😄 ) is definitely arousing, but even "mental" undressing/opening up to each other is highly connecting and conductive.

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Entry 9 (days 11-15)

I'm back from the seaside. Last few days ended up being anti-climactic. Me and my brother got sick (likely Corona), watched anime and slept most of the time. We both feel fine today, a bit tired, but our grandma got sick yesterday so I worry about her. I finished Fellowship of the Ring audio book, and I absolutely love it, the book is filled with so many good quotes and beautiful moments. 

Also, I've failed my goal of month of nofap after 2 weeks. I started feeling some slight pain in my left testicle one night when i went to bed, and I just felt the need to orgasm. It was very mechanical, but felt right. If I attempt a month of nofap, I probably shouldn't do it while i'm surrounded by half-naked girls... I want to start on another attempt now that I'm back home, I just need to suffer through a bit of pain I guess? Reason I want to go a full month of nofap is because I really like when i'm not jerking off. My energy levels are much better and I'm more composed. I start feeling it around 5 or 6 days in already.

That's it. Now that I'm home I'll be going back to my routines, I can't wait to get back to my sleeping schedule, daily chores, studying and meditation. 

Daily gratitude: Grateful for being back.

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Entry 10 (day 16) 

Oh I feel so good emotionally. Back in my room, back to my inner world in full. My mind is still a bit fidgety, I haven't been meditating regularly while I was there, but it's already getting better. Yeaaah... girls that we hanged out with got tested and are positive to COVID, so my brother, my grandma and I are certainly positive as well. My grandma is still no way near recovery, but she doesn't have problems with breathing so I am hopeful it won't develop in a more serious type of the illness. 

I still feel physically tired, which they say could last for a few weeks after COVID, but considering I went through a much tougher flu (same symptoms, just much worse) 2 years ago and was tired for only about a week after it, I think I might be on a brink of a complete recovery. I'll have to stay at home another week at least so I don't spread it.

Yesterday I:

  1. rested in bed a lot
  2. done dishes and laundry
  3. meditated
  4. listened to a chapter of The Two Towers
  5. read holy scriptures
  6. helped with dinner
  7. cleaned my room
  8. listened to 2 really good albums for the first time*
Spoiler

Short tangent on my musical tastes and depression:
In the period of my long depression (started 6 years from now, ended 2 years from now) I was stuck listening to the same music, which is mostly progressive metal. It only added to my feeling of running in circles, both because I listened to those albums so many times and because lyrics are often depressive as well. I changed a lot as a person since the end of high school when I got into this genre of music, and I felt disconnected from it more and more but couldn't find anything that would get my attention, probably because my mind was closed off to new experiences when it was struggling with inner demons.

I got better, and 2019 was filled with music. I listened to more genres and discovered more artists than ever, or maybe comparable to the early days of high school when i was tremendously curious. I was exploring religious music, stoner rock, synthwave, atmospheric/black/folk metal, djent, post rock, black gaze and more. 

This year I continued with this exploratory trend, but I also noticed that (aside from religious music), melodic atmospheric black metal with ambient, folk and religious elements pulls me in the strongest. Those 2 types of music just resonate with me and where I currently am in my life deeply. I cannot listen to chaotic bends like System of a Down or Mastodon anymore, something in me rejects it.

Daily gratitude: Today I am grateful for having my laptop and using it for constructive things in life.

P.S. I decided I will grow my hair long. Never did it before. I think I will love it! I know it takes around 2 years to do so, no problem.
P.P.S. @Erik2.0 Yeah, blue balls for sure.

Edited by gargamel
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@Icandothis This made me so happy :) We'll do it together. Have a beautiful day as well.

Entry 11 (day 17) - calm before the storm

Day 17 went almost exactly like day 16. I have:

  1. cleaned a bit, did laundry
  2. made dinner
  3. meditated
  4. listened to my audiobook
  5. rested in bed
  6. listened to music
  7. translated 2 pages of the book*

At this point, I think I am completely healed. I don't feel tired anymore, this morning I am well rested and I'm hyped for day 18. *I'm going to put priority on translating my chapter asap, so i can focus exclusively on studying afterwards. The following month will be crazy. It's time to step up and do my best. I feel positively pumped for it all, hopefully this feeling doesn't leave me.

Daily gratitude: Grateful for all positive steps that happened in the past 2 years. This path to productivity and hope was very roundabout and slow for me, but looking back and hoping forwards, it gives me so much peace.

P.S. I forgot to mention my brother and I watched Gone Girl a few days ago. Disturbing movie, really well made. I give it 8,5/10

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@Erik2.0 Meds are tough, I am so grateful my health is serving me well for a while now. I hope you will one day get off of them.

Entry 12 (days 18-19)

Days were spent in reading, thinking and reminiscing. Nothing out of the ordinary. I had a long walk with Steven and we discussed some important points of contention concerning our values. Also, my reading list is getting out of hand, I think 3 years of continuous reading would maybe get close to completing it, but it will probably triple in size by that point.

Daily gratitude: Grateful for continuous feeling of progress in my understanding. Matthew 7:7 "Ask and it will be given to you; seek and you will find; knock and the door will be opened to you."

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It is true that I am immensely grateful for the insights I got into important truths of the world. Yet, in the same time I feel like I am being pummeled on the head by that insight. 

My comfy, weak side is cornered and wants to forget all those duties I know I should be upholding, and all the virtues I should be nurturing. It wants to get back to comfortable gaming, get back to finding sexy irresponsible women to satisfy my sexual desires, get back to just being popular chaotic quick-witted intellectual that will win a debate with a smirk on his face and go drinking later.

That part of me is pissed I found my life's purpose. I know I need to live like an ascetic monk scholar for the next couple of years in a society that doesn't value such man at all. On top of it, I need to become financially self-reliant, which embarrassingly, my laziness doesn't want, it loves my idle life in my fathers house. Kid in me doesn't want to become a man. Why would I do anything different if all men around me are failing just the same in various different ways.
...
I realize that I will never return to what I was like prior to my long depression, that kid needs to be left behind. But many parts of me rebel against this fact. I have to change so much it is scary. Caterpillar fearing the butterfly, crawler afraid to fly. 

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1 hour ago, gargamel said:

Daily gratitude: Grateful for continuous feeling of progress in my understanding. Matthew 7:7 "Ask and it will be given to you; seek and you will find; knock and the door will be opened to you."

I like it. Act and something will happen. Don't act and things will stay the same (miserable).

28 minutes ago, gargamel said:

It is true that I am immensely grateful for the insights I got into important truths of the world. Yet, in the same time I feel like I am being pummeled on the head by that insight. 

My comfy, weak side is cornered and wants to forget all those duties I know I should be upholding, and all the virtues I should be nurturing. It wants to get back to comfortable gaming, get back to finding sexy irresponsible women to satisfy my sexual desires, get back to just being popular chaotic quick-witted intellectual that will win a debate with a smirk on his face and go drinking later.

That part of me is pissed I found my life's purpose. I know I need to live like an ascetic monk scholar for the next couple of years in a society that doesn't value such man at all. On top of it, I need to become financially self-reliant, which embarrassingly, my laziness doesn't want, it loves my idle life in my fathers house. Kid in me doesn't want to become a man. Why would I do anything different if all men around me are failing just the same in various different ways.
...
I realize that I will never return to what I was like prior to my long depression, that kid needs to be left behind. But many parts of me rebel against this fact. I have to change so much it is scary. Caterpillar fearing the butterfly, crawler afraid to fly. 

That struggle never stops. I'm on the verge of letting go a few things I built after I quit gaming. It sucks, but I need to let go of them to be better in the future. I had a full day of studying yesterday and I managed a bit over 4 hours. I think it's because that doing the same/similar thing for extended periods of time worked out poorly for me in the past. Everything eventually backfires, but there's a difference in the shake whether I give it 10 or 100 hours a week.

Doing what everybody else does is easy and therefore not very valuable, but I believe everybody has a few things they are good at and that they can share with others. It's just about finding those people who have what I want. Somebody's good socially, somebody's good with money, somebody's good at marksmanship... and maybe I also have something I am good at to share with them 🙂

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Yeah I hope I get off meds too. They make me sleep too much and have no energy. Ascetic monk scholar time eh? Well if that's what's in the cards for you go for it. I'm doing my own work for about 3 years I'll be working in homes helping teens feel better and get better mentally. Then I'll get to be a licensed therapist hopefully. It's a big hill you're looking to climb and it seems bigger while you're at the bottom of it. But, once you start climbing you'll get used to it and maybe even feel like you can do it. Or find a way to do it. 

 

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Many monasteries are open for visitors for daily meditation.  You should visit and see how you feel afterwards. 
 

I have always wanted to go to Amaravati... a forest monastery near London. 

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@Icandothis I'll eventually visit a lot of temples. Right now it feels best just doing my personal spiritual practice, prayer and meditation in my home. I also meditate in forest when I get the opportunity. I just checket out the Amaravati temple, it is really lovely. I would go there for sure if it was close to me, although, ideally, I would go to a hindu temple.
@Erik2.0 I love your long term plan. We need more people who are dedicated to helping others. I wish you best of luck. And yeah, I would like to receive priestly* (brahmana/brahmin) initiation in a couple of years from now, so I intend to prepare for it in the meantime. I'll eventually need to go vegetarian as well, which is more of a social problem for me than a personal one, because it will make me clash with my family. They personally look at vegetarians with a bit of scorn and bewilderment, mostly because of the angry vegan activists and new age hippies. But hey, this is my life and this is what I know is right for me. Eventually, they will accept me, I know it. 

On 8/22/2020 at 10:33 AM, Ikar said:

Doing what everybody else does is easy and therefore not very valuable, but I believe everybody has a few things they are good at and that they can share with others
[...] and maybe I also have something I am good at to share with them.

@Ikar I agree with you, yet I believe you are correct only because, at the moment, most of the people are occupied with trivial things, shopping, taking selfies, getting drunk, et cetera. But this is just today's culture, I hope things will be better in a few decades, I actually believe that it will be, but you never know. Either way, I know what I am supposed to be doing.

* brahmanas/brahmins are not required to be celibate, and do not need to be living in a temple/working in a temple, as is the case with Catholic priests, for example. But, if I received brahmana initiation, I am expected to uphold a quite strict and virtuous way of life, and I would be allowed to preform vedic rituals.

Entry 13 (day 20) - feeling better today 

It helped that I shared with you those shameful feelings. I had a momentary disconnect between my values and my emotions, or maybe it is better to explain it as a moment my lower self was whining to my higher self because the higher self managed to set my priorities straight and doesn't allow excuses anymore, yet lower self still hasn't accepted defeat. I took the rest of the day to get myself over it. I meditated and prayed a lot, also went to the park. I reminded myself of what I was running from and towards what I am running. I filled my batteries really well.

Day ahead of mean has a lot of things on schedule, so I better start doing them, its already past noon.

Daily gratitude: Grateful for being a human. Also, grateful I got an answer to a question that has been bothering me for half a decade.

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2 hours ago, gargamel said:

@Ikar I agree with you, yet I believe you are correct only because, at the moment, most of the people are occupied with trivial things, shopping, taking selfies, getting drunk, et cetera. But this is just today's culture, I hope things will be better in a few decades, I actually believe that it will be, but you never know. Either way, I know what I am supposed to be doing.

I think the same, that it's a cycle we're in and that things are going to get better. Even if not, there won't be a shortage of people who will choose the more difficult path; it's just that I have to find them.

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2 hours ago, gargamel said:

@Erik2.0 I love your long term plan. We need more people who are dedicated to helping others. I wish you best of luck. And yeah, I would like to receive priestly* (brahmana/brahmin) initiation in a couple of years from now, so I intend to prepare for it in the meantime. I'll eventually need to go vegetarian as well, which is more of a social problem for me than a personal one, because it will make me clash with my family. They personally look at vegetarians with a bit of scorn and bewilderment, mostly because of the angry vegan activists and new age hippies. But hey, this is my life and this is what I know is right for me. Eventually, they will accept me, I know it. 

Thank you for your well wishes. I hope I help people. My results are always less dramatic than I'd hoped. Getting used to that and not expecting too much. Good luck with your priestly initiation. I do not want to go vegetarian. I tried before and it didn't work at all for me. I'm sure your family will be okay with your decision and realize that you're chill about it. That's exciting that you're going in for priesthood in hinduism. I'm sure it'll be rewarding.

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Entry 65 (day 114) 

I've written maybe the longest entry I ever did here and it got deleted. I am actually pleased with this accident because I want to write more. I am back to counting my days from beginning of my journey here, which is best because maybe it will be inspiring for others to see more of us who stuck with this healthy decision long past the 90 days detox. 

for those interested, the gist of my lost entry was this:

Spoiler

I am going through another cycle of anxiety and it better be over in a matter of a day or two. Always the same pattern - first anxiety slowly creeps in. I let it set and don't address the issue. It grows and i start to run away from it. Eventually I get pissed at myself for being a coward and I face a 10 times bigger problem than it would've been if I addressed it in the beginning. Wish me luck guys.

Edit: I just deleted a big section of this entry concerning my 2 dreams. I don't feel like sharing them actually. 

Daily gratitude: Grateful for feeling complete immersion in my existence. Grateful for knowing life has meaning, and that meaning is infinitely beautiful and challenging.
P.S. I am doing fine on my second attempt at going a full month of nofap. I am a week in.
P.P.S.  At this point, I know all my previous love pursuits were "wrong", or rather, boyish, immature. 

Edited by gargamel
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Minimizing my time spent socializing while also not dumping that time in my addictions slowly lead me to a conclusion that basically nothing is as real as is work, being self-sufficient and eventually being useful to the ones you love. Everything else is fluff and cheery on top, at least for a man. First time in my life that I am genuinely into completely dedicating myself to work and study. 

My grandfather spent most of his life working abroad for the betterment of his children, and he gave them so much, at least materially. He worked hard every day while basically living on bare, bare minimum, without any luxury what-so-ever (except cheep alcohol), so he could sent that money to his children. On the other hand, his children will leave nothing to their kids, all they did was get a masters degree and work just hard enough to get by and live a cozy middle-upper class life. My father and his sister are both fat and divorced, and spend most of their free time watching TV. (in the meantime my sick grandmother does the housework for them. I do a lot of housework in the last few months, so my sick grandmother can actually rest now.)

Their brother is a bit better off at least (also divorced, yet he remarried), but considering he has a genius level IQ, he is actually a failure as well. They are nothing compared to their self-sacrificing, hardworking father, and my aunt is nothing compared to my grandmother. Hopefully my generation can reverse the trend.

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18 hours ago, gargamel said:

P.P.S.  At this point, I know all my previous love pursuits were "wrong", or rather, boyish, immature. 

I guess it takes a couple of them to truly mature. The breakups are generally blessings in disguise; I quit gaming after my last one 😄

1 hour ago, gargamel said:

Minimizing my time spent socializing while also not dumping that time in my addictions slowly lead me to a conclusion that basically nothing is as real as is work, being self-sufficient and eventually being useful to the ones you love. Everything else is fluff and cheery on top, at least for a man. First time in my life that I am genuinely into completely dedicating myself to work and study. 

Great job. I also think that my recent romantic adventure made me more focused on my work and more in control of myself and my desire to be social dropped too.

1 hour ago, gargamel said:

Their brother is a bit better off at least (also divorced, yet he remarried), but considering he has a genius level IQ, he is actually a failure as well. They are nothing compared to their self-sacrificing, hardworking father, and my aunt is nothing compared to my grandmother. Hopefully my generation can reverse the trend.

I wish you all the best in that attempt!

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56 minutes ago, Ikar said:

I guess it takes a couple of them to truly mature. The breakups are generally blessings in disguise; I quit gaming after my last one 😄

I don't believe in this idea that you need multiple partners to figure things out, especially now that I notice I've heard it a thousand times from people in their 30s+ that are still lost and immature. I think this "wisdom" was invented by females that ended up being used and abused by multiple man, so they quote Nietzsche's "what doesn't kill me makes me stronger" to make themselves feel better. Also, young people usually say something like "I need to figure out what I like" when they find themselves switching partners a lot... no, that's not the way to do it, you will not figure out anything thinking with your penis/vagina or being led by unrestrained emotion.

There is actually negative correlation between number of partners (a woman had) and satisfaction in marriage, and it also increases the likelihood of a divorce. On top of that, number of partners before marriage increases the likelihood of adultery for both men and women. So, I guess it can be said that it's proven not to be the case for women that (multiple) relationships lead to maturity. (Unless you say maturity and ability to form healthy and happy relationships have nothing to do with each other, but I insist that they do)

But sure, to a degree you are correct. Any failure, any pain, can be used an opportunity for growth, but raaarely people actually learn anything. A lot of us stay unchanged after our wounds got healed, some of us just get bitter and cynical, a damaged good. I am glad you made this breakup an opportunity to work on yourself. It will pay off plenty.

56 minutes ago, Ikar said:

Great job. I also think that my recent romantic adventure made me more focused on my work and more in control of myself and my desire to be social dropped too.

My desire to socialize is at the all time low. I am repulsed by it in a way, because I noticed I was seeking company so people could make me feel good by giving me attention and compliments, while at the same time I wasn't building anything long lasting, I wasn't gathering resources and I wasn't progressing in my life. 

56 minutes ago, Ikar said:

I wish you all the best in that attempt!

I wholeheartedly thank you for you well wishes. I wish you all the best as well Ikar.

Edit: The reason my previous love affairs and pursuits were wrong was because I was a boy. Its fine to be a boy when you are 17, but not 25. I am slowly starting to learn on my own what a man is because my father didn't teach me. He failed as a man sadly, so he couldn't teach me. I don't hate him for it, but it is what it is. I hope I can put a smile on his face before he dies when he sees that his son has become a man to be proud of in every way. I really wish he will get to see that.

Edited by gargamel
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45 minutes ago, gargamel said:

I don't believe in this idea that you need multiple partners to figure things out, especially now that I notice I've heard it a thousand times from people in their 30s+ that are still lost and immature. I think this "wisdom" was invented by females that ended up being used and abused by multiple man, so they quote Nietzsche's "what doesn't kill me makes me stronger" to make themselves feel better. Also, young people usually say something like "I need to figure out what I like" when they find themselves switching partners a lot... no, that's not the way to do it, you will not figure out anything thinking with your penis/vagina or being led by unrestrained emotion.

I didn't mean "partners" specifically, something more along the lines of "romantic involvement". I agree with the idea that you can enjoy spending your time with someone without having sex with them and that you can't really "think" yourself into liking someone or something.

Also, just about anyone my age who talks about their ONS/hookup describes them as if they were cigarettes. "Don't start smoking like I did, it's a stupid habit. Good for you you never had one!" -> "I figured there's no point and there's no reason to look for anything less than a real relationship."

I'll gladly combat my masturbation urges on my own, rather than pulling someone else equally clueless into the fray. It's just a dick move to create another possible dependency.

45 minutes ago, gargamel said:

There is actually negative correlation between number of partners (a woman had) and satisfaction in marriage, and it also increases the likelihood of a divorce. On top of that, number of partners before marriage increases the likelihood of adultery for both men and women. So, I guess it can be said that it's proven not to be the case for women that (multiple) relationships lead to maturity. (Unless you say maturity and ability to form healthy and happy relationships have nothing to do with each other, but I insist that they do)

I think it might work both ways, since every other (sexual?) partner makes you less grateful than you were for the one before and less willing to fight for the relationship, if it was to end.

45 minutes ago, gargamel said:

But sure, to a degree you are correct. Any failure, any pain, can be used an opportunity for growth, but raaarely people actually learn anything. A lot of us stay unchanged after our wounds got healed, some of us just get bitter and cynical, a damaged good. I am glad you made this breakup an opportunity to work on yourself. It will pay off plenty.

I was bitter and cynical for a long time, but I realized it doesn't really solve anything.

I think the idea that somehow snuck into my mind was that there are better things to live for than gaming. Initially, that was the (restoration of) relationship with my X (as I couldn't perceive anything else that would be tangible and better at the same time), but over time I figured there are more things than that and that I might as well be doing just fine single.

1 hour ago, gargamel said:

Edit: The reason my previous love affairs and pursuits were wrong was because I was a boy. Its fine to be a boy when you are 17, but not 25. I am slowly starting to learn on my own what a man is because my father didn't teach me. He failed as a man sadly, so he couldn't teach me. I don't hate him for it, but it is what it is. I hope I can put a smile on his face before he dies when he sees that his son has become a man to be proud of in every way. I really wish he will get to see that.

I started learning on my own just recently too. I actually started perceiving him in a better light since I quit gaming and started understanding he rather acts than talks. He did a lot to secure the family financially and to pursue his passions in career, but he wasn't around for the second part of the job in the family.

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On 8/26/2020 at 3:09 PM, Ikar said:

1) I didn't mean "partners" specifically, something more along the lines of "romantic involvement". I agree with the idea that you can enjoy spending your time with someone without having sex with them and that you can't really "think" yourself into liking someone or something.

2) Also, just about anyone my age who talks about their ONS/hookup describes them as if they were cigarettes. "Don't start smoking like I did, it's a stupid habit. Good for you you never had one!" -> "I figured there's no point and there's no reason to look for anything less than a real relationship."

3) I'll gladly combat my masturbation urges on my own, rather than pulling someone else equally clueless into the fray. It's just a dick move to create another possible dependency.

1) Having some kind of romantic relationship in the broadest sense of the word, like a friend that you also flirt with sometimes, is very beneficial for sure, especially for a developing teenager and a young adult. If anything, you are learning first steps towards intimacy and you are growing accustomed to it in a good way.

2) Oh man, that sucks. I am surprised most of them have the awareness that it's unhealthy. I am pretty straightforward that I don't do one night stands and that I think they are harmful, so I either have short arguments when someone gets defensive, or they hide that they engage in it because they feel unaccepted or judged. I know these types of topics are pretty sensitive, so often after voicing my opinion I do my best to switch the topic unless I am talking to someone close. But for example, Veronika's close friend had loads of sex on Tinder before her last relationship (of two years), and after it ended she got back to having loads of sex on Tinder again. And she talks about it with a pinch of flamboyant sass, so I only make a gesture of disapproval when she looks at me and lighten it with a loving smile, so we go to different topic.

3) Well, on paper ONS seem like mutual masturbation, but in reality it is not. I remember when Pauly D from Jersey Shore said that he never in his life "met a chick" who didn't develop at least some sort of feelings for him after having sex, and you can only imagine how many ONS this dude had, at least in high hundreds. Sex is biologically and chemically the most complex event in our lives, especially for the female, because she risks getting pregnant. (biology cannot differentiate between sex with or without contraception)

On 8/26/2020 at 3:09 PM, Ikar said:

I think it might work both ways, since every other (sexual?) partner makes you less grateful than you were for the one before and less willing to fight for the relationship, if it was to end.

Interesting that you've mentioned gratitude. I bet it has some part to play. Having multiple partners might make us feel entitled to be loved, also, it might make us feel like we could always find it elsewhere so we are not open to difficult parts of relationship and healthy compromise - I totally agree with you. On the other hand, I would bet that it also has to do with the fact that with each partner we develop a unique connection, so when we have multiple memories of our different loves, we might fail to appreciate our current love because is different/worse than it was in relationship 3, y from relationship 2 is different/worse/missing, et cetera. So when things become bad, we suddenly crave getting back to our ex, or we crave to seek those missing parts in a new partner, hoping he/she will "have it all".

On 8/26/2020 at 3:09 PM, Ikar said:

I was bitter and cynical for a long time, but I realized it doesn't really solve anything.

I think the idea that somehow snuck into my mind was that there are better things to live for than gaming. Initially, that was the (restoration of) relationship with my X (as I couldn't perceive anything else that would be tangible and better at the same time), but over time I figured there are more things than that and that I might as well be doing just fine single.

I'm glad you are over her, and even happier that it was an impetus for you to stop gaming.

On 8/26/2020 at 3:09 PM, Ikar said:

I started learning on my own just recently too. I actually started perceiving him in a better light since I quit gaming and started understanding he rather acts than talks. He did a lot to secure the family financially and to pursue his passions in career, but he wasn't around for the second part of the job in the family.

About the "second part of the job", I assume you are talking about raising the kids? I have an unconventional opinion on the father's role, I wonder what you think about it. I don't think it is that important for kids to love their father much when they are growing up. I think a father should develop authority (I am not talking about aggressive dictatorship) and respect with his children, and should command them to work on duties and also help around the house. This might lead to feelings of hate towards the father, because "he tells me to do things I don't wanna do", and the father should be fine with it, he must not command love or seek it. But when children grow up they will love their father because they will realize that all his commands were for their own benefit. Most importantly, a father should also teach by example and he shouldn't be lazy when he gets home, because that's all that kids will see and then his commands will not be listened to, he will appear a hypocrite and dictatorial. Also, it is a muuuust that he focuses a lot of attention to the mother, gives her a lot of love and attention, so mother naturally backs him up, and doesn't talk bad behind his back to destroy his authority. A tough job.

On 8/26/2020 at 3:48 PM, Erik2.0 said:

yeah good luck doing more with your generation than the last one. Being fat sucks. I'm thinking about stopping eating desert soon.

@Erik2.0 It helped me to quit eating deserts when I heard that sugar is as addictive as cocaine. I imagined those intelligent food scientists laughing in my face, making me their zombie slave who buys their product that only poisons me in the long run. I won't allow them getting rich on me, haha.

P.S. @Ikar I almost fixed my issue with where/were. When I type I usually notice that I spelled it wrongly. If you notice some other consistent misspellings, please tell me.

Edited by gargamel
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That's a funny way to stop eating deserts. Looks like you showed those food scientists who's boss. My mom loves sweets and always buys some for the fridge. So until she stops doing that I pretty much don't have what it takes to resist the urge to eat desert for now. Especially because eating just a little each day doesn't seem to affect my weight much. I haven't moved from 182 for a while. We just bought cake for my birthday actually. Oh sugar. 

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