A Texan's journal

[padreman]

This is day one and I writing this journal just to get it started tonight.  Today was a very tough day.  I am putting my high fps monitor up for sale to help invest in another hobby (3d printing).  But I also have my guitar that I can pick up.  I haven't touched it once in almost a year, because of the gaming.  Tonight it really helped.  The modules are great and it is helping me take action.

[Deku]

Welcome to the forums and good luck with your challenge. The first week is pretty darn hard, so be sure to go easy on yourself and take things slow. You'll be much more successful if you work on yourself a little bit every day, rather than go hard at first and burn out quickly.

3D Printing and Guitar sound like incredibly dope hobbies. I can't wait to see what you do with them going forwards.

[padreman]

So far so good.  It has definitely been a VERY difficult transition.  I was literally feeling sad all day, every day, since Thursday.  But today I feel a lot better.  It's like a funk just lifted.  I've experienced detox from other addictions, so I know what it's like.  Now for the long grind.

[Samon]

3 hours ago, padreman said:

So far so good.  It has definitely been a VERY difficult transition.  I was literally feeling sad all day, every day, since Thursday.  But today I feel a lot better.  It's like a funk just lifted.  I've experienced detox from other addictions, so I know what it's like.  Now for the long grind.

Nice to hear that! Days will get tough, especially when circumstances stress you. You need to stay strong!

[padreman]

Thank you so much.  I begin this morning with a lot of hope.

[padreman]

The rest of the day has been tough.  I didn't feel the craving to game but I feel the craving to go buy things, another addiction of mine.  It sucks.  But I watched module 5 tonight and it was very helpful.  I also spent about 40 minutes in prayer and contemplation.  I always find strength in my faith.

I am grateful for:

1.  My faith

2. My intelligence

3. My family that I will be seeing for Thanksgiving

4. My associate who helps me with my work

5. The new chapel we are building nearby

6. My fish

7. My computers

8. My 3d printer

9. My visit this last weekend with a close friend of mine

10. This really great keyboard

 

I think I'm ready for bed now, lol.

 

[padreman]

I am definitely experiencing withdrawals, even after several days.  Today I felt empty and tired.  I also suffered another round of headaches.  I'm just trying to push through right now.  It's good to be able to share this with everyone.  

I am grateful for:

 

A beautiful day

Good friends

Hope

Faith

Love

Good wine

This program

Smart people who are insightful who helped me understand things better today

Honest people who spoke their mind today

[padreman]

So far so good.  It was kind of shocking today that I started to think about gaming.  It was a lot of euphoric recall.  Even some of the old games from my child hood started to dance around my head.  I also started to think about online gambling and some online poker....very bad for me.  

Today, I am grateful for:

A good evening

A nice fire and cigar

Good bourben

Good friends who remembered me today

My awesome saltwater aquarium coming in

The courage to put my gaming equipment up for sale

The Texans won

A good gathering with friends last night

 

[fawn_xoxo]

Hang in there man, I'm around day 10 or something and I got some thoughts as well, right after finishing a work project (empty days are dooooom).

[padreman]

fawn_xoxo, thank you!

 

I just sold my gaming computer and vr system.  It has been extremely hard for me last night and today as I was packing everything up.  The last time I turned the computer off after cleaning the hard drives, I could hear the fans and the psu come to a gentle stop and my stomach sank.  I wanted to turn it back on just to look at it one last time (it was a liquid cooled computer with hard tubing, led lighting, and uv red coolant).  But I knew it wouldn't make me feel better.  Today, the cravings came down hard on me today.  I even watched some youtube videos about the history of Mario Brothers 2, lol.  I knew that wasn't a good idea.  I went out with friends tonight and enjoyed it the best I could.  And it was good for me.  At the same time, I am still sad tonight.  I've got a lot of stress to deal with at work and my childhood trauma is beginning to surface in the midst of it.  It's stuff that I have dealt with before but I lost track of using my tools since I got back into gaming, thinking it was going to be different that time.  Now two years have been lost to a life weighed down by excessive gaming.  That makes me feel pretty sad.

But I can't focus on the past.  I have to live in the present and be grateful to God for another day of sobriety and freedom.

Gratitude list:

Great jazz music

Christmas songs and Christmas lights

A very supportive secretary and staff

Ebay has helped in making this transition (how else would I have sold this stuff?)

Nice cool weather

My faith in God that anchored me today in prayer

Christ came into the world bringing joy

This program

Good friends that care about me

[BooksandTrees]

It's good that you're strong in your faith and have a nice community around you.  Keep sticking with it and do your thing.  I feel your frustration, as you mentioned in my forum page.  I think there's some sort of higher level problem where we need to change our routines and maybe key parts of the routines to make life a more fulfilling environment for us to live in.  I have been thinking about this for so long and change is difficult.  We just need to keep taking the steps toward improvement and taking time to understand ourselves.  If we can keep doing this more doors will open for us to walk through.  We don't need to stay in that room.  We can be curious and inquire about life and explore it.  It's still more exciting and risky than an open world game.

[padreman]

I absolutely LOVE your last statement: "it's still more exciting and risky than an open world game."  Amen to that.  In fact, my occupation is full of risk and excitement.  It's just that it doesn't come all at once like in gaming.  And the stakes are MUCH higher in real life.  Thank you for your encouragement and let's keep encouraging one another.

[BooksandTrees]

I'm with you!  

[padreman]

It's been a while since I have posted.  Christmas was crazy busy.  Now about 2 months have passed in the 90 day detox.  There are some tough moments that come up where I think about gaming.  I go into euphoric recall.  But then I "play the tape" all the way through to when I would still be playing until 2am and waking up late or very tired and performing poorly at work, making bad decisions, and failing to be available to my employees.

[padreman]

I'm back from a relapse.  I don't have a lot of time to share right now, but I want to check in.  I'm at day 3 without gaming.  It feels like a week.  I'm sad and bored even as I am doing all the activities that are supposed to help me through.  I know that they are, it's just a matter of letting the brain adjust.

I've gone through the detox before, I can do it again.

[Adminiculum]

Mate, whats up? Let us hear how its going!