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Zeke Journel Round 2

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I wrote that I had a little relapse here so check it out 

 

So what caused the relasped the more and more I thought about it came down to frustration basicly  everything moves to quickly and you just cant keep up with it, alot of stems from my pevious of jourel which is letting go and growing up into the person I need to be, the other stems from lack events within my area to do makes it extreamly diffcult while the final straw I have with myself missing on two events where I was building relationships with people but seems to happen like this for me a lot, I will feel good and then something comes up and forgot about it and the one event I do look forward to each month since they meet once a month, it young adult gathering between 20-30 years and singles group I go to for 30+. So I m kind of annoyed at myself for not reminding myself and checking events like I should.  

So what my soultion to the situation not much but I know what was working before and that was the no media detox I do which is basicly I m allowed just emails and nothing more, this allows me to focus on other projects but I have been looking at cam 60 ideas again and have been trying geocashing but kind hard knowing what I m looking for unless that half the fun not knowing, the other this one depends if it near me a martial arts class mostly for self defense for myself aikido I think is the name of it,

Thrid thing I wanted to write is since the current pc though I use it for my movie projects and everything has bad memories with gaming on this was another reason before I wanted to build a new pc or get new one bad because that way I would have no connection to gaming though unfourntly it was for vr purposes to. Like I have said before I like 360 videos and vr and the experince they can bring and have ideas how to make them more immersive with my own videos but that slipperly slope for me. 

To sum up I think it mostly due to my frustration not finding other stuff to do around my area and I have looked 3 different counties to which I know it shock, have looked up meetup still no luck there and eventbrite nothing much going on to get involved in.  

The next thing is learn some life skills and what means to live in the real world again. 

The Goals

1.Monday :Human Japanese (software to help me learn japense right trying to get the hirgana down)

2.Tuseday: Movie projects (anything I m working on at the time)

3.Wed. Reviews and scripts written or edited

4.Thursday : Out of the house grammergirl (improve grammer skills)

5.Friday (youtube release date and relax day

6.sat. realax day

7.sunday resheard day

That basicly the whole goal durning the week and I took out news and found that be more beinfiual without it than having it,  but I will say this I have the first new youtube video up and plan to release one video every friday from now on, plus I m gonna try to put my focus on engament in social media though this will be limited to weekendeds only so I do not get distracted with  my goals. I can officaly say I dont crave cartoons like I use to but I m still watch anime as being the only form of art right now, but who knows I might take anime fast in the future but for now it very improtant since I am writing reviews on anime and manga and graphic novels I have which are not easy but not impossible.

I have consided getting me cheap laptop to write on but sometimes wonder which one more of the investment the writing laptop or the desktop to my movie projects.

I m still trying to come up with a soultion when I m home alone how not to be but these are some the goals and I will keep this fourm open so I can write in it everyday like i did befor so thanks for reading

Grateful:

1.God

2.Church

3.Family

4.House

5.food

6.water

7.life

8.car

9.money

10.commuties I m apart of

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Day 1

I feel good today and I think it now time rechange my original routine a little bit, but some you may wonder why it always the same, that because it all connected to one another so here my new routine to help illustrate my point 

1.Mondays: Scripts/review editing

2.Tuesday: Grammer girl 

3.Wed. Human Japanese

4.Thursday: Movie Project

5.Friday: release date for videos 

6.sat. rest day

7.Research day

So why new routine well it keeps me away from the pc at the beginning of the week and slowly return to the end of the week, another reason writing is another skill set I have not grammar but I can write two hours straight if I really get into it which connects to the grammar girl which help improve grammar skills which moves into human Japanese lang. I m trying to learn then applying all that on Thursday so I hope you see why to connect like that. 

The second thing is I have been asking myself where do I want to be in 5 years or even year from now, so do I want to keep doing the same thing or do something different? Yes, I have the youtube channel going and it a start but what else can I do to push life foward. A couple of things I have thought of is looking at business and how they work and stuff that nature the other is reading books about travel. the danger, and the fun it can be. I 've had a lot of compliments that say I act like businessman even though I have no idea to run a business which I find very interesting.

So what would look like well I have been looking at maid cafes and cosplay setups and seeing about making a business around that with my own ideas and it one by dreams that directly relates to my faith. 

Another is if I want to travel or do other things I got think of what I need to now to prepare myself for the future. So it just some ideas I working on more long-term than short-term.

Next, I'm gonna try to join in martial arts class near my house this for two reasons number 1 is self-defense so I have so self-dense training, the second is an excellent way to meet new people.  Plus I know some of the owners because I use to go their bible study so that a triple win for me.

This one option I m considering since I m running out ideas and tomorrow night found a coffee shop I go to is having a poetry night so at that something to attend to. 

You know what amazes me is when I close gaming every door opens but if it I continue It closes in miserable shape not say I did just saying that interesting pattern in my life right now. 

Plus I bought 2 new manga kind rare to find so now I have the first 5 volumes of that manga and the reason for is I will be doing reviews on them as well.

That about have a wonderful day,

Grateful:

1.God

2.Church

3.Family

4.Water

5.Food

6.House

7.money

8.Job

9.car

10.life

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Day 2

Today been a wild one because finally, I found events to attend to, one I’m at is poetry night then their geocaching event on Thursday I’m gonna try to attend and finally maybe join martial art studio near me. 

First, let me tell you I spent most of my day outside the house and I did the grammar girl today and did Chick-fil-A cow appreciation day dress like a cow and other things. Plus yesterday I found the first, second, and 5 volume of manga I have rare find so I took it and have volumes 3&4. Plan do a review on the series but rather have the complete collection rather part and these are the manga book not kindle version. I like owning physical items rather than digital right now. 

The reason for martial arts will be to meet new people, learn self-defense, and exercise so this n addition to the gym. 

So things are turning around and I hope it continues. 

That and I m watching faith-based stuff again as well reading a book called skin map, a physical book. 

That I share what’s happened today. 

Have a wonderful day 

Grateful: 

1.God 

2.church 

3.family

4.food 

5.water

6.house

7.car 

8.money

9.job

10.life

Edited by zeke365

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Day 3

I've noticed something today that has not happened before, I find myself going exploring outside the house a lot more than used to. Maybe something in me changed or I m changing my circumstances whatever is I m becoming more happy about it. Went two libraries and still learning of routes and stuff around me. 

Though I would like to have something that I could counter-attack when I go into complain mode when you complain about this and that it would be a nice way to use that energy elsewhere. 

I worked on getting my human Japanese down and what I do is write the hiragana down then there a list of hiragana based on the lesson I m learning and right I m learning the t- series in Japanese have the others down pretty much the s confuses me time to time but getting better.

I have decided to join a martial arts studio mostly taekwondo this Monday nights so I will be doing this addition to the gym.

That about it today this new routine really put a new perspective on things.

Grateful:

1.God

2.Church

3.Family

4.House

5.Car

6.food

7.water

8.job

9.money

10.Life  

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Days 4-16

Sorry I have not been on as much, but I have officially launched my youtube channel and mostly focusing on that and getting videos uploaded once a week, plus the other day I did go back to my old gaming websites not for to go back but to look at where I came from and where I was going, plus I needed to send email to one of them because during my first detox I was kind mean in the email and needed to clear things up. Am I looking at now nope no desire, the other thing is I started doing blog reviews of clean anime as well, as manga to in the animo app on ios or android in certain communities as well as my original faith-based blog series too. Since I take quality into consideration it takes a bit time to makes these videos so when I m not here I busy doing these as well.  

I m gonna join a martial arts studio and starting doing that Monday nights, plus I m doing geocaching as well.  This fits good, I have a group I will be going to on Thursday and doing an activity with my sister Friday.

Plus I now have the first half of the hiragana in Japanese down, now I will be doing the second half will be doing this in addition to to the gym plus made an exception to the rule of Livestream if it helps me with my youtube, plus I gained 2 subscribers so I m happy about that. 

So pretty positive couple of weeks and sorry about the late response but I have not relapsed or anything of that nature.  

Plus I bought a new mic for my pc its a Samson meteor mic so I will be using that in future videos. 

That it for today have wonderful day.

Grateful:

1.God

2.Church

3.Family

4.House

5.food

6.water

7.car

8.money

9.life

10.Job

 

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Day 17-22

Today has been a productive day and got some reviews edited and movie scripted ready to go to keep content on my youtube channel, it hard but it is worth it.

Though I m going through frustration on voice actress when I make movies, here the main problem I always have is that I will hire unpaid voice actress to deadlines and I have mini-deadlines of about 2weeks or so to keep life fair and for them to do fewer lines and by the time they finish by the end of the 7 to 8 week all the lines will end and I can complete the project.  The problem lies is they won't respond to emails saying they won't work on the project or anything and wait for the main deadline and I have no lines from them and I just waited 8 weeks on them to get lines in and it not like 100 lines per paper or anything there very short which is beyond my understanding.  It almost they want to work on their own time not the deadline, I mean no offense to anyone in this field and trying to blow off steam as a creator. 

Maybe my script is poor but be nice if they email me first then go dead silenced cause they don't want work on the project and most the time I have to pull them from the project and it almost a relief for them and I get a response. It has gotten so annoying that on the voice acting website I gonna have to say for serious actors or actress only or just start paying one which I really don't want to do if I can help it. 

There blew off some steam need that but maybe you guys can give some hints on what it is.

Bible study was canceled today too.  

I think that it for today have a wonderful day.

Grateful:

1.God

2.Church

3.Family

4.Car

5.life

6.money

7.food

8.water

9.house

10.Job

10.

 

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Day 0

So I thought I discuss a couple of things and why I m returning.

So one of my biggest mistakes and I saw multi warning signs in my journals is that even during the gaming detox I made a rule that I would only play with friends and my parents let me play that piano game. The reason sign is when I started looking at tech of new CPU and GPUs back in Feb. 2018. As I watched those video the craving and triggers became stronger even though I did not play during those months but it was the root of-of why relapsed. 

  Now after doing that I started thinking of the apps I use to play which were gamefication games where I play the game to unlock more of the story. The reason I did this is one it test experiment., the second is because I was frustrated with going to the current gym I was going to at the time. Cause I dreaded going there and had dropped out martial art studio so I could build muscle. So I thought this gym would be all all about that so I would have a personal trainer that would teach me how to do the exercises probably. Let's just say the person in charge could have cared less about being the personal trainer for me, I m mean he made an attempt not to be available and we left two or three messages. Well he never directly said it but his action proved that he did not want work me or be a personal trainer. 

So I still had the apps and were still doing those when one of my mom friends suggested a wmca at my house. When I went I was quite impressed with the place and signed up and canceled my membership at the other gym. 

Now I almost went down this root and glad I did not but I went to support a virtual novel VR game for VR and bought an oculus go as well. This kept me from completing projects distracted me and no way doing what I should be doing and was reading visual novel and some animation.  The reason I got it so I could stream my own projects to the headset to see what I need to improve on. 

This lead to a deeper hole and more bad habits keep getting the way, no longer eating healthy, no longer doing project just mindless browsing wishing I had something I did not,

I had an old discord account that I had forgotten about and will be officially deleting that (you never know how deep you're in till you start deleting accounts) and I gonna try to permanently delete my steam accounts cause one time redownloaded under another account I had so that one of my goals.

What really struck me the other day is I have bitterness and unforgiveness to someone which seems the root cause of all of it, because it was this person I kept thinking of when I did the bad habits of mind. 

So the question now is what is the best approach and how to keep forgiving afterward?

The other day I went to the park and restarted learning my Japanese and grammar girl and it clicked for me because my brain remembered how fun it use to be and the more I did them, the less I desired the games, and at bible study it asked what is your vison in five years and it got me thinking of what I needed to accomplish.

Positives are I have my youtube channel called animated Christians going and still learning there but what next so I decided that I would learn Japanese but once you accomplish one goal always have another goal in mind to help you keep moving forward.

The other thing is getting prebuilt pc because I would not know the components in it so I could not cheat myself and would primarily be used for animation and would not be directly tied to gaming as this one is so it makes it much harder to or learn to build a pc and put the parts together, maybe be better learning experience in how everything works but more scared of that thought cause I could cheat myself but maybe not maybe be likely to be more cautious about things, just somethings I m thinking about.

NO TECH, VR, Gaming of any kind Including Visual novels. Plus I will not touch oculus go until after the 90 days so that I can focus on other goals even if I have a project for it. 

So that updated and I counting this as day 0 and official 90 days again tomorrow nov. 1

Grateful:

1, God

2.Church

3.Bible

4.Bible study group

5.family

6.car

7.money

8.life

9.Parents

10.House

have a wonderful day.

Edited by zeke365

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I have officially deleted my steam accounts, I hated that lingering feeling that I was going to back, so I can officially say any account that is associated with gaming with being gone forever permanently (also for those reading this there way to delete your account directly now if you need to instead of changing email.) Maybe had this lingering all the time, I m little sad to do it but am happy where I can move forward in. 

So I had to get steam to let me in my steam accounts again before I could do this, do support, sign in accounts then go to the account and go down permanently delete them and I actually had 2 different cause one of I had forgotten for a very long time. So that the ONLY reason I went back is taking care of it next is figuring out iphones the same way, I would rather have it complete gone than it just change address because then I can move on with life much easier. 

Plus I made a lie to myself as well and be sure to watch out for this lie and it basically said "well if I doing something productive with it like play to  review games about Christianity then it should be fine." or "It will help you get into shape or teach you a skill remember how fun it was." or "You could help others get out of gaming by going back."  Amazes me how your brain with rational everything when the real motive is just to game, it creates an excuse for you. Do not believe this lie cause it tripped me up and I made perfect warning signs to myself to stay away from visual novels. THEY ARE GAMES!!! (different form but still games). 

There quote I made on Reddit back in March of this year and it kept playing in my head basically said " 

Quote

So do you want live life on pause or you ready to press live life unpaused? The choice is yours.

I m not sure what struck me when I wrote this quote main does it speak volumes to me, maybe sometimes you write something that will speak to you later. if you want the full link here it is and quite powerful and I  seem to fall back on it https://www.reddit.com/r/StopGaming/comments/8y4y1z/do_you_want_live_life_paused/

Hope you get something out of this.

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Day 1

Feeling good and went to the wmca and having deleted those steam accounts has liberated me so much now it to figure how to do it iPhone is the next step. 

Now I have not discussed how I plan to do these so I thought to make a new plan down below and one of my biggest mistakes is that I stopped listening faith-based stuff and did not continue it and that where my downfall happened. 

So this I plan to start on Monday, Nov. 5

1.NO Media detox (expect here and emails) will be allowed so that means no youtube, reddit, facebook, twitter, news, tumbler, etc. This will be Monday through Thursday. 

2. Am I will be trying to go to bed earlier maybe around 10:00 pm 

3.Is keep reminding myself why I m doing this maybe podcast I will listen here.

4.Monday: script this means reviews or original ideas I have I need to write them this day and edit them the next day 

   Tuesday: Wmca after work and Back Learning Japanese and the hiragana as well doing grammar girl 

   Wed: will be voice acting and exporting videos through this maybe on Mondays,  voice acting wise. 

   Thursday: Editing the videos

   Friday: release videos on my youtube channel and promote them on social networks 

   Sat: rest day watch anime:

  SUN: rest day and go to church and bible study.

Now I m Christian and this is what I mean be faith-based stuff anything Christian related. I am also thinking about listening to some audiobooks to at night but for now, I m only gonna read books and manga. 

Now why make the exception you may ask well simply because I m making reviews of these mangas and anime. So I need more time to look at everything during the week so I know what to say in the review.

The second is on Sunday I m allowed anime as well cause I m doing reviews of those animes.

Fridays I plan to be released from blocking those sites cause it what I call a reward system in which after I do all this hard work I can get youtube, facebook, reddit, etc,.

The second thing is I think all of you should stick away from gamification games which would be like Wii fit, habitca, burn your fat with me, visual novels.  Why am so against these you may ask well simply it is book game in which you can choose multi-endings for the story and they're fun but you will soon find yourself buying more and more just like gaming addiction and find yourself not going anywhere? I know it has happened to me several times.

The second thing I would avoid is tech channels like building pcs, virtual reality headsets, gaming benchmarks, CPU and websites related to these and why is this, well simply tech is related to gaming not sure why but it is. 

 

Plus I hate the baggage that gaming comes with and that baggage is misery, never feeling good about yourself, always looking at other people better than me and making jealous, porn etc, All of it connected tech is related to gaming, which related to porn which is related to tech. Everything is connected somehow and I know now I won't be-be to get rid of all of it but it how I deal with it is what matters and right now I choose NOT to game and instead live in the real world, not the virtual world.

That it for today thanks for reading and if you're interested in where I came from checking out my other 2 journals   https://forum.gamequitters.com/index.php?/topic/4347-zekes-daily-journal/ or https://forum.gamequitters.com/index.php?/topic/6334-animated-detox/

Grateful:

1.God

2.Church

3.Bible

4.Family

5.Life

6.WMCA

7.Car

8.Money

9.Home

10. Communities I m apart of

Edited by zeke365
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Day 2

Feeling better today like a big weight has been lifted from my shoulders and have noticed something. 

I have said before I want to make friends in my area problem is I m not making any effort to make that dream reality and if you don't put in the work the work then nothing will happen. 

Today sort of my rest day until start Monday, Nov. 5 and Mostly what I going to do is go back on keto or cook some recipes still. I know like seaweed so I can eat that but just don't eat too much of it otherwise you be on caffeine/sugar high with no slowdown, it happened to me once so limit that one but does give you burst of energy.

Also, I will be limiting my out eat means to once per week so I can save on some money, these are not, however, splurge days that is what I do once a month. Splurge day means eating a hamburger, fries, ice cream, that type of stuff first of every month.  The Out eat means I still need to stay in diet but at least a reward for being home all week.

1.Monday thru Sat. NO OUt Eat, eat at home.

2. Sunday Eat out once.

3. Splurge day once every month (first of week every month) I can do this.

Plus it feels so good to write again, that it for today thanks for reading.

Grateful:

1.God

2.Church

3.Bible

4.Family

5.Home

6.Car

7.Money

8.life

9.Job

10.communities I m apart of.

 

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Days 3-5

Well, the last few days have been successful in which I cleaned out my pc yesterday to get rid of anything related to gaming etc.  So today would be a new start officially and have started on my no media detox, now I do have exceptions to the rule and its TV in the morning or evening for news but that about it and this does not bother me as much because mostly with family and I m not big Tv junkie myself and use my watching online most of the time. Which it helps keeps up with the world

So basically I can watch TV (news in the morning) and afternoon (because that what my parents put on so I go by what they're watching), emails and the game quitters communities as well a few mangas and that about it, it just enough to keep me away from other social media stuff while maintaining balance with offline stuff like reading a physical book, manga is becoming more enjoyable to me than digital. 

Though I will say this that tornado effect I had before was a partial withdraw, now I m experiencing a real withdraw from gaming cause brain now knows it can't tempt me to any other sites or other areas that I had accounts with. What really amazes me here is how your brain said it does not enjoy and wants better in life but you start quitting it wants gaming more even though it made you miserable in the first place. 

Plus another positive is I had assestment review at my job and got raise and I m so happy about that. Plus today I worked a little on editing some reviews for my youtube channel and some voice acting for one so I hope to complete those this week hopefully with extra company coming over tomorrow through sat,  the family of course.

Now I do not know how many of you grew up in the 90s and listen to the pokemon songs of season 1-3 (season 1 being the most memorable). There something that struck me with the second season that I thought I share and kind matches our lives in the video game world. Here what I m going to do is post the lyrics to the song here and change one thing, each time it says pokemon I m going to replace it with video games.  The reason it gives a unique perspective on things 

 

So You wanna be a master of Video Games?
Do you have the skills to be number 1?

I wanna take the ultimate step
find the courage to be bold (Video Games).
To risk it all, and not forget
the lessons that I hold

I wanna go where no one's been
far beyond the crowd (Video Games).
Learn the way to take command,
use the power thats in my hand.

Oh hey!

We all live, in a Video Game world (Video Games)!
I wanna be the greatest master of them all (the greatest master).
We all live, in a Video game world (Video Games)!
Put myself to the test to be better than all the rest.

So you wanna be a maser of Video Games?
Do you have the skills to be number 1?

We all live, in a Video Game world (Video games)!
I wanna be the greatest master of them all.
Got the power, in your hands
Vi-deo Ga-mes.
 

I thought this is kind of neat of how I create an analogy of things and kind of fits when we game was living in a video game world and it time we stop escaping and start living in the real world. Tell me your thoughts about this.

That it for today, have a wonderful day

Grateful:

1.God

2.Church

3.Bible

4.Family

5.Job

6.Car

7.Money

8.Home

9.life

10.communites I'm apart of.

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Quote

ol the lyrics are funny. And I'm so grateful that I escaped from that world.

thanks, sliverlining and I m gonna be glad when I escape the second time. 

 

Days 6-7

Now I was not too successful on my no media detox today or yesterday because of midterm elections and it seems very important to watch and read, and read my youtube analytics and saw 6 new subscribers and I have not put a video this week so I m glad about that but have restrained from watching youtube. 

The second thing is I m looking at meetup and eventbright to find events in my area to go to, so hopefully something will show up there.

The last thing is I have got the Part of the video batch done that I m doing and will hopefully complete it tomorrow still need to animate and export and edit to say the pre-production is almost done and this time I m making sure I don't run out of videos and I can upload consistently on youtube. 

Last night I did some human japanese, I m getting there still a few hiragana confuse me but I do mostly recognize all of them at this point and I think the last one I need to learn is next week. 

Plus I went wmca to my workout yesterday and going tomorrow. I have to go twice a week. 

I think that about it, I m still resisting other media outlets and at least getting these videos done. 

Have a wonderful day

Grateful

1.God

2.Bible

3.Church

4.Family

5.life

6.Money

7.Car

8.Home

9.Job

10.commuities I m apart of

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Days 8-12

Okay I had a good weekend but something felt off about it not sure what it is but it felt the reward system I had place was anti-climatic meaning it did not feel special, it just there.  Kind of strange and I watched a couple of cartoons and anime as well but it still felt worthless like I need something bigger for this to work or maybe it just not the reward system I need to keep me motivated?

I feel like I m more motivated when I work on my projects for my youtube channel than I do watching other YouTubers, it really weird and maybe it signs I m officially growing more adult-like and not kid like anymore. Though I still like anime and still plan to do reviews for my channel. 

Which brings me to my next point is I finished the scripts for the next few videos and I'm making an effort where I can get one video per week out without sacrificing sleep over it and have breathable room to make original content to, I m not burned out yet but I m trying to balance between the two where I work on those projects then have weekends as rest and forgot why I got rid of youtube on Sunday then realized why I did it. Too tempting and you think by going to church it would not be so but it is. 

Plus the last Thursday I went to something called mixer (not speed dating) but similar where we went to different tables and talked to few people with the questions beyond my head and meat few people my age to hang out with that night and we did one game star and strikes bowling which was fun. 

Plus today I finshed few more scripts for few other reviews that wont be released for later. 

I hope i m not over doing it, but tommrow is break from my projects and will be doing human japanese (name of the software I use to learn from) and grammergirl so that should be a nice break. 

So things are slowly turning the corner which I m okay with. 

That's it for today have a wonderful day or night depending on where you live? 

Grateful:

1.God

2.Church

3.Family

4.Car

5.house

6.food

7.money

8.job

9.life

10.communites I m apart of.

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Days 13-19

Well I broke my no media detox last Tuesday and tried on my VR headset the reason for it is because I began planning for an event and would be using it, so I tried to find 360 videos and rode a coupe of roller-coasters to try to find them. Eventually gave it cause they were to long and put back since and have not looked back on it yet, though I will need to reaearch tech to do one my series for YouTube that I m making so that gonna have to be exception to the rule.

As of this week I m making banana pudding for thanks giving so I happy about that.

Now there something I have discovered and it kind amazes me that sometimes quitting games only gets rid of one layer but you have have another layer to deal with, this certain seems to be my case here. So what ended up happening is I buried this unforgiveness towards this person so deep and I mean deep that you forget about it deep and decided to without realizing started to play games as form of escapism for me, since I did not have many friends or anybody it was the best community i had at the time.

It was not till 2011 that these feeling for this person emerged and I thought it was because new games weren't fun or older ones were just fun. Until I decided to have interaction with MMO game and then visual novels because I craved social interaction to express my feeling to but at the same time no body else and so this unforgivness and grudge I had towards this person seems to be the root cause of all of this which find rather amazing that all this time I thought I got over it. I never did, I just buried it and what makes it worst is its a family member so makes extremely tough. How did I come to that with that well  when I thought about this person I started to try to escape from it. That how I know it happened again few days ago and I m angery and upset towards this person.

So what I am doing now well simply writing this person a letter to express my feeling and its not something that will be posted here but I think this has been the root cause of all my escapism and the one reason I have not been able to move on with my life.

That it for today have wonderful day.

Grateful:

1.God

2.bible

3.Churh

4.Family

5.Job

6.Car

7.Money

8.Home

9.life

10.communites I m apart of

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Yes, gaming is mostly a symptom. Feels good to know you found the reason for your gaming. Hope you can clear out things with this family member

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Days 20-59

Hello everyone I m back and I just wanted to tell you some things I have learned and what I what I will be doing in the upcoming year.

Lets just I say I can now live with this family member without regrets and have slowly realized that I need to to fix the other half with another family member. This will complete the cycle I hope.

The second most important thing is I noticed a lot of the clothes I wear are to big on me and so starting in the new year I will be looking to get new clothes that fit but are snug. 

The third thing is I have my YouTube channel official a life long dream of mine called Animated Christians and I have 25 subscribers and if any of you are apart I want to thank you.

The forth thing is I started watching game streams and channels again yes I know I probably should put myself in a better position. The main reason is not gaming in general but to buy new PC something that powerful enough to run animation and software without being to expensive and the ones I do want are gaming desktops sometimes I wish that word would disappear even if that not the intended purpose. So I m searching for that one to get off windows 7 to 10 and the second is to be able to use my oclus go to make 360 videos. I went back and forth between building and prebuilt and untimely went to prebuilt then I don't have worry about the hassle of anything though it does to take the experience way I don't think I can handle bios, memory, etc. unless you think I should purse that.

I think there one more website I may have to let go of call TMUnderground which is website where I learned about animation based on the game I had at the time and those people had some creative ideas but I have noticed the community not as active and me not being there as often, I thought about giving up this year to start a fresh but I would rather send them on happy note than sad one. Then once its done I will say my farewell, I think that better than just saying goodbye as is. Let me know your thoughts on this.

I also know a mistake at the beginning of the the year which is when the bible experience my faith based audio ended I ended up drifting away so in order for that not to happen again I will continue doing that next year but don't stop till have all the audios finished. Not sure what it is but that what kept me away from gaming the longest plus my no media detox that seem to be off and on of late. 

So what are some the goals of 2019 well for 2019 I m stating "Moving Forward" where 2018 "New Beginning" I don't even know how I come up with these but 2019 is about moving forward with my life in completely new direction. The first goal is to be healed from another family member,

 Next is to do some winter cleaning and get rid of all by to big shirts and pants and find something that snug and fits together much better,

next is to fix my eating habits and practice edict.

Now I went off keto because it was not enough variety for me so at the beginning of this year I will be going on the Japanese diet based on the cookbooks. It serves 2 purposes one to be healthy second gives me opportunity to learn to cook.

As for my no media detox I will be restarting it January 1.

No media detox is basically no social platform ever expect email and maybe my YouTube analytics so I comment on videos but that about it, no Facebook, reedit, YouTube, etc.

Do to YouTube taking most of my time some things have been left on the back burner so I think what I do I choose will do Jansen as well cook out of the book..

few other things have crossed my mind but it to much of trigger for me to do is make visual novel to tell stories which takes 2 mediums I like anime and storytelling and putting them together.

Last This should what should look like

Monday: Cooking/Human Japanese 

Tuesday: Recording (takes good day)/exercise

Wed: animated and export

Thursday: Editing/exercise

Friday: free day release video

Saturday: free day

Sunday: Scripts/grammar girl

This will be my new plan going forward and I will try to stick with it and keep listening to faith based audios until I finsh them all.

That its for today have wonderful day happy new year.

Grateful:

1.God

2.Church

3.Family

4.Life

5.Car

6.money

7.house

8.job

9.communities I m part of

10. bible

 

 

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Day 60

I decided to keep tmu site open one more year so I can complete on a promise then leave. 

One thing in 2019 is I will start budgeting and begin my Japanese diet as well. 

So that what I plan to do in 2019. Hope you have a good day. 

Grateful:

1.God 

2.Church 

3.Family

4.Bible 

5.House

6.Money

7.Car

8.Job 

9.Life 

10.communities I m part of

Edited by zeke365

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Day 68

refection time: I thought I share some reflections I have been having and starting to realize where they came from.

To help understand this is both of my parents are stubborn so I get it from both sides even my grandparents side to, with that said it makes me a bit stubborn at times as well. So without out of the way and the reason maybe I became an addict is somehow I shifted the blame to video games. Like I blamed them from my own problems and wanted them to fix it but not myself.

When I was about 10 my parents had issues and  divorced and then my mom remarried in 2005. I thought I was fine with this but in reality I hated myself for this and why I escaped with porn and gaming at the same time. Plus I thought all this time my parents would get together during this time. This seems to be the biggest root of the problem as I see it.

So over the years that all I asked for is video games and how to immerse myself even further away from the main issue.

So basically I did three things blame video games for my problems, each family member and each addiction is related to each one.

So I m getting some help with this and lucky porn is not big issue anymore but looking at gaming addiction and the person it attached to.

This why I thought videos games were evil like poison to me is because I did not want to admit my own problems and started to realize video games were not the main issue here its me. I m the one that caused this problem.  I even went as far to say every video game is evil and I rather not touch it ever and the problem with this thinking is that the more I resisted the more it became in front of my face saying the game is not the problem its you.

Now that I realize this what can I do about it you may ask? I have thought of a couple of things part of me wants to go back and the part said no so it sort like I m in the end game but but were both tide with the goal and frankly both directions look good if I use it right.

The first option is making a visual novel about video game addiction. I even have a script back in 2006 that kind reflects this. The reason being is I would like to help people get out of video game addiction but from the inside. So having game visual novel about game addiction might help some might not whose knows buts its one of the possibles I m looking at doing. The basic story is the guy or gal has been shut in all their life and its about other characters trying to pull this guy or girl out their box to try something new. It would have multi endings in which would be neural path, bad bath, and good path. This way if any one wanted to find out more they could look up. Its not the best solution but its something I think would be helpful even if it makes them think for a moment.

I sort of have love & hate relationship with visual novels because one it was my downfall and now I want to use it as tool then there are times I want to support game in development then I don't want to.

I will say this I m starting to find meetups to go so social is another thing that I m doing.

I think that about it today give your thoughts on the idea and if something good or something I should stay away from.

Grateful:

1.God

2.Church

3.Bible

4.Family

5.House

6.Car

7.Life

8.Water

9.job

10.communities I m apart of.

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Time to reflect, I think I know what went wrong is one is tech and vr (though I like new pc that not gaming). So before hand I never deleted my gaming related accounts (I did not realized I had some of these till recently.) So this is something new I need to do and when I think about the first half of last year and the start of this year there a total change between the two. So I m gonna be redoing this fast again (guess takes a few tries before you get it right) but I m adding anime in the mix.

Why anime you may ask well since gaming and anime are directly related they both need to go in this detox, that and anime is just another form of escapism for me. So that is something I will be doing something fairly soon.  This includes manga as well.

The second thing I realized is when I returned to gaming to support a game I started running away (not literally) but in the sense I went church because I wanted to escape my problem and addiction to my pc. Though I see positional for gaming, I have to realize that life behind me and I m trying to cope with that to. Plus I have watch too many gaming streams of vr and other stuff.

Plus I have figured out how to make pc not gaming rig, why is so hard to find pc not for gaming but still what you want it to be? There two options I have here and one is getting prebuilt system but replace the gpu with workstation card and since workstation cards are not designed for gaming on the hardware this seems the best solution to the problem and I serious need to stop lying here and to myself for never doing what I said I was going to do. With that I m very sorry everyone for that and I have officially deleted discord, and twitch tv. I do not think I have any others than that but I m not even sure. So it kind of weird relapse all because I thought watching and helping game development would be fun. Well it does not move me forward it forces be back.

Now I what I going to do well in Feb. 2019 I m restarting the detox again and this with more focus on what I say and do and some of you may say why wait, why not do it now? Well that because I have few anime reviews I need to wrap of this month for my YouTube channel so that my reasoning on that.

so what's the goal plan well I will still have my no social media detox expect here as of right now and I will be allowing cartoons and what do I mean by cartoons shows like steven unveirse, start vs evil, tiny toon adventures, amazing world of gumball. Those are cartoons in the since I do not get overly obsessed with or want to escape with as much though it does make me jealous from time to time but not as bad as anime.

Anime is another form of escapism that I allowed when I quit gaming the first time and now I need to give that up and maybe just maybe I can a better handle on myself. 

Feb. 1 is when I will be starting all of this. I hope you have good day, 2019 is about moving forward not backwards.

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Now I wanted to let you know what my plans are. I won't be able to do a full cold turkey like I want to but I kind of can wean myself off it sort of like how I did video games it sort stop playing less and less but there will be some major changes you will see in a moment, but first reflection time.

Reflection time: I don't write this just tell how bad I am or how good I am, I write these because I keep finding pieces to the puzzles that caused me to go in the direction I have and I have a better understanding of why now.

You my parents (original) before my mom remarried use to fight a lot and it reflected on me a lot and in 2nd grade I remember a student showing me a pokemon card of white fox and I think this where the addiction began and so and found out a series launched called pokemon (remember this in the 90s) I watched on kids wb and really liked a lot and so after watching saturating morning cartoons I asked for games red, blue and yellow. I had all 3 and I spent hours in those games collecting these creatures and battling them, it was so bad that my grades slipped and my mom had to take it away from me, to this day I would NOT be able to play them because of it high addiction rate. So for 4 years I was in this why new kids moved on. I had disability to which caused me to learn a tad slower but if you talk to me you would not even know it.

Pokemon one day I got link cables to hook to my Gameboy color so I could trade pokemon with friends in a social setting then got in trouble for that but in remember my mom telling me we were moving and that my parents would divorce though at 8 or 9 years old your not sure what going on.

In 2003 I tried to play pokemon games again but just could not handle myself and I had Digimon cards and accessories to go along with them and was in pokemon tournament once then in 2003 I decided to burn everything so I would never endure that again,

I saw a show called cow and chicken which lead me to more porn and other things. This because I believed the longest my parents would get back together and never really let go of that thought so I ended up making up an excuse that cartoons and anime were clean and refused to grow up without realizing I was growing up, I even got a Wii so I could socialize with other people that were the purpose of it.

I dived deep in gaming but luckily avoided most shooters and had fun and online was still in infancy before social media and high speed in 2006 and I remember playing games on them and having blast but everyone else was into dating or sports which in general never got me interested in any games like that.

before long I desired a social community and myst online on hp laptop then started doing movie production work which in general I m storyteller (writing that is). So I go into that using game called the movies software and created a few movies with a community in 2012 called TMuunderground which helped me out a lot and how to do these things and since then moved to muvizu software.

As for Myst online, I was able to have family in which I could unleash my creativity on by doing in-game tours which were extremely popular and I tried other things as and ended up turning into the game biggest avtertisment person I was the go-to person for avertisment.

in 2014 I decided to put away my console for good because I had custom built pc that allowed me to much more stuff it with and since then have upgraded the CPU and GPU the way I planned it.

In 2015 I was able to handle mystonline and no console games really well and remember I was making movies when I was not an online game and you maybe wondering where the downfall came.

Well in December of 2015 and 2013 I had created 2 steam accounts and I was not big fan of steam at the time and preferred to play my games alone and not online but I got and started to play or read i m not sure how you would categorize it visual novels which immersed me further than I had ever gone before and the first one was Narcissu and Tokyo school life and remember really like them but the obsession lasted till June 2016 where I had to stop purchasing them and continue doing what I was doing. It was not until I did finally tour in 2016/2017 which marked 5 original I had planned for for my online game that I realized the season had ended and its was getting harder and harder to do so in 2017 I came here to do my no gaming detox and I was ready.

So I think I have been holding on to grudge against my parents for so long that its something I did not realize and last year going healing for one them and this Tuesday to get healing for another to hopefully break the cycle and would like to game again someday but have no attachments or escapism to it then again I may never be able to return to gaming.

In 2005 is when youtube and mega video started coming into play I started to watching old cartoons and anime again mostly kid anime until D.N Angel, I like the visuals and story that continued on watching anime ever since and at times I would have to fast anime if I thought I was going into echii and hentai territory.

I used to do a 3 way fast where if I fasted anime I had video games if I fasted video games I had anime and if I fasted internet I had video games. I think anime is another escapism I need to give up but for now, I not going full could turkey but I m placing some restrictions that need to be done.

Plus to this day I still want to date anime character yes I m that deep even looking at ai tech and how that impleneted and that ven frighting so that why I need to do this fast and maybe get back to reality.

 

I reflected on this because I realized I escaped all because at one point I wanted my parents back together and me coming to realization that I may never have relationship with one of them not from me but from that person point view and had shown it though to their actions.

So with that said what are some restrictions I placing in feb.

1.No Cartoons will be allowed expect faith based cartoons

2.No anime at all expect faith based manga

3.No social media detox will return feb. 4

4.I am not allowed to buy anthing new, you may ask why well simply this to teach me to be contect with what I have not want more all the time and to complete what I have.

5.Expeections are movie theather animation like lego movie 2, wonder park,  blue sky movies I m allowing myself to go the movie theather to get out of the house and not be at pc all the time.

6.I will only all the anime reviews projects allowed and once there done then no anime will start which I have 3 more to do.

7.I will be allowed to only watch or read faith based manga on the weekends and it will not be allowed durning the week so I have some sort of reward system.

8.Everything will have to be faith based to an extent with that be tv, or online as well.

9.Expection will be manga cookbook (since that where all the recpeices are)

Now why faith based you may ask well one it helps encorurge me and its something I have been wanting to do for awhile to watch all my faith based movies and why I have not done before well simply I watch anime and refused to change it up and I m stubburn mule sometimes so that why, this should help reduce the manga and anime escampism by termedouts amouts and allow me to focus on my own works like my youtube channel. Like I said its not perfect but it be whole lot better than what I m currently doing and have thought about learning blender agaian and mmd type of thing but for the anime detox to work those will be help off blender not so much but mmd yes. I m not sure if I return to learning human japanese yet but I might add in as well my grammer skills. Its just a matter wheter I have time for it but I should.

Plus I have some good news in Feb. I will be taking a dance class at my new gym on Wed. nights and Monday will be my normal workout then every other Monday I will have small bible study and on Sunda,y I m starting to go to churches and found singles group (with more my age) on Thursdays as well another event I can attend though another single group so I m excited about those as well.

 

So there you have it my plan for feb. 2019 and I hope you all understand where I m coming from and I want to thank you fall reading have wonderful day. 

Grateful

1.God

2.Bible

3.Church

4.Family

5.Car

6.job

7.house

8.food

9.water

10.communities I m apart of

 

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I wanted to clarify a few things on this new fast. First of all, I m gonna aim for 180 days not because 90s days is enough but I think I m more addicted than I thought and need to extend this so I can do other things. I will also be using the guide to help me get out of gaming a lot more as well.

Now when I said faith-based stuff I mean Christian stuff and I wanted to say during the week I will be allowed to read a book or listen to the audiobook but on the weekends is when I can watch movies (expect Tuesday at movies better deal) that I have. This has to be what I own and not bought so I can stop being jealous of other people and never getting anywhere in my life but first I need to deal with the emotional baggage that been on my life for so long before I can move on. That what I have been doing and realizing what I need to deal with then I can feel freer. 

detox

1.NO ANIME/MANGA for 180 days (expect faith-based ones for a little while) (exceptions will be manga cookbook so I can learn some recipes)

2.Monday-Thursday NO social media detox which means no facebook,reddit, youtube, Tumblr, etc. 

3. Allowed to read books (actual books not kindle) every night and I am allowed audio books every night

4. Friday, Sat, Sunday I am allowed to watch youtube, facebook, Reddit, Tumblr etc. 

5.No Cartoons will be allowed to expect faith-based cartoons as well. 

6.No VR or tech or gaming of any kind will be allowed even on my own projects. 

7. All youtube will have to be faith-based in some sense 

8. The exception to the rule is animation movies in the theater I m allowed.

9. Dance class wed. night at the gym, bible study every other Monday singles every Thursday. 

10. Attend more social events when I can using Eventbrite, meetup, and my other group I m apart of.

11. I m allowed to watch live action like news and stuff but that's  about the limit 

Sometimes you have to restrict yourself before you will ever try sometime new and that what I m trying to do restrict to change as strange as sounds cause if I m comfortable where I am at why would I change but if their restrictions on me then how can I learn something new.  

I wanted to say this starts February 1 and its Friday and what really funny about this is when I first did the gaming detox in 2017 it was on Friday so it tells me I m doing the right thing. 

 

My goals will be

1.return to learning human Japanese

2.Return to improving grammar skills

3.Improve script writing

4.keep making video content and being consistent.

 

The reason for this fast is simple both anime and gaming is not taking me anywhere but jealousy that I won't become one of them or just escape itself and the reason I chose 180 days is that I know its bigger addiction than my last one. 

I would like to hear your thoughts on this goal plan and hopefully, I can do one thing to move my life forward. Have a wonderful day. 

GratefuL:

1.God

2.Church

3.Bible

4.family

5.Job

6.Car

7.House

8.Food

9.water

10.communities I m apart of

Edited by zeke365
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So today I bought gaming PC and before you say anything like how why do this or that let me explain.

One the reason is because it had the CPU and GPU I wanted and wanted it last 5 years at least. Yes it tempting to do vr but I'm still gonna do the detox I promised starting tomorrow. I m gonna fight the urges to play or do anything expect my detox.

Now why am I doing 2nd detox well simply because when I first quit gaming, retreated to anime and cartoons and soon realized it was unhealty and is not getting me where I want to so I decided this year I m going doing another detox that eliminates this. Plus 80% of my research is dedicated to anime and the other 20% things.

So I wanted to clarify something when I say tech I mean anything to do with build PC, gaming PC (though mine is it is not fancy), jaytwocents, linus tech tips that kind of tech even tvs.

Now say something goes wrong like if hdd dies, or gpu not working or something that preventing form doing my work then it would be allowed.

There is one exception to the rule which is I am allowed to watch tutorials online like how to use facebook, reddit, thumblr, ect. or courses I m taking to make my youtube channel better.

I'm excited for no anime, no gaming, no manga (expect faith based), no cartoons (expect faith based), reading books faith based, as well audio faith based though I will be be focusing on some review projects first that needs to be done but it setups tomorrow and no social media detox should return as well. This should not get give me more productivity time and find ways to think outside the box.

Plus I m allowed to movies in movie theaters but just not at home expect faith based at home. I need some type of reward system I want to see if I resist my urges and use this pc as workstation pc for 180 days. That it for today.

Grateful:

1.God

2.Church

3.Family

4.Job

5.Food

6.Water

7.House

8.Bible

9.life

10.communities I m apart of.

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