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zeke365

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Everything posted by zeke365

  1. Day 0 So it been awhile since I have been here, and thought about doing this later but the later you wait the worse it gets. First an update is over the last couple learns I joined some communities and learned unity, blender classes I took during the 2020 lockdowns. I’m apart of Discord with few Christian communities, while yes I do not recommend this, I did learn a few things, that I’m not game developer all or coding or programming even though I understand it a little bit. I did enjoy set desgin in unity meaning what scene could like for movie set or something like that. So I need to stick to what I’m passionate about and that building YouTube with the animation software I have and orginal stories, I even tried out for a few voice acting a couple of times. I have experimented with off and on gaming while that’s not best idea I have managed to limit to 45min 1 per week and found games is not what I enjoy but interactive stories. So if you are gaming addicted you may have seen yourself drawn to anime or gameplay videos on YouTue, (while do like vr and would love to make own app one day), things I do not recommend on your fasting journey is anime and gaming even visual novels, yes I made the same mistake not thinking they were games so it not recommended. I have even thought about quote educational games just so I can learn Japanese better since it does not have the best hiragana learning tools. But when I thought about this there was angel wars episode that said if your worthy of it you let go. So that why I have decided to take this fast because what I have discovered is anime is far worse addiction that I could have imagined and I do not even watch anime mostly rap battles and stuff online and even mlp show has anime tendencies as well anime adult sites to. And every time I think of returning it makes me lazy, unproductive etc. So the thing I can do is to fast these things which means starting right now I’m making so new rules to myself. 1.Christian content only anything I own but no cartoons or anime for the time being. 2.Me being Christian I will still read the Bible and have Christian music going 3.Christian content only to kind isolated myself but not too much so I can do different things 4.Learn this Christian trading card game I have. 5.This fast is going for 180 days rather than typical 90 days and the reason for it feels more extreme. I would like to learn Spanish to at some point so if anyone has some pointers on that that be great. The reason is I go to real life church now and so people only speak Spanish there. plus I will be going on vacation next week which I will totally disconnect from everything. My goals are to focus on thanksgiving this week and packing as well as scripts and recoding for my YouTube. 2.I have an app call nerd fitness journey which I really thought would have triggered my gaming addiction but the opposite has happened where you do see your progress, it does have story but more as back seat and you do different exercises. 3.I do like geo chasing as good alternatives to video games and do have Duolingo as Spanish learning app. I that about it. I have noticed this twice the moment I do not have anime everything moves forward and the moment I bring it back it feels like procrastinated or become so lazy and do anything that I want to and compare myself to others. so now that it. grateful 1.My Real life church 2.Family 3.Clothes 4.Food 5.Water 6.Shelter 7.Car 8.Money 10.Blessings
  2. Day 16 Today been an okay day because I did VR again though I feel guilty, I see the possibilities as well. Something even more strange is that when I was checking all my subscribers on my youtube channel, I noticed most them were gamers (not all of them) but my channel has nothing to do with gaming at all. It's more animation. So I kind of find that both interesting and strange at the same time though I m grateful that they enjoy the content. More issues rise as I m in a weird position, so to help explain this, say you're certain age but you're too old for youth and college but not quite up to there with people ten years older than you. This type of position I m in and I have talked about before yes, but I hope this explains my situation a little more. So I want to hang with people with my own age group yet none live the area I live, they live 20 miles away or just to far to drive, I go to different events to meet new people so work some don't but mostly I encounter people about 10 years older than me. This happened more than once just to let you know this has been a recurring issue. This is also across 3 counties too. One exception I did find is a place called wine and the word but other than that it's been extremely hard. The other thing is and I have talked to others in my area about it that says there really is not a lot to do in this area. Unless you like endless shopping and food about it with a few fun events here and there. The second thing is the place I volunteer at is mostly younger than me. so that does not help. Plus I have no accountability partner as well. So the only solution is going to make a new group which I few ideas for and hopefully gain traction but I m running ideas of what to as of right now. The second is internet at for me if I have too much freedom they take a turn for the worst and its not games I m talking about. There times I would rather have my internet wide open or pretend someone watching (may give me nightmares) just so I could avoid certain things and work on what I want to work on. Now what would like to come of this detox simply to have a healthy relationship with gaming instead of obsessive one, I m not talking about moderation I m more saying have balance and freedom back. Maybe I took it too extreme to fast and need to do things one at a time because I know their all connected. So I hoping next week when I release my anime I know, manga I own, and my animation communities that it will provide a replacement for a while but eventually I need another replacement or balance between these things since I get obsessive or one or another, Its not the best solution I know but it better than nothing. Plus I finally completed a book last night I did not like buts it done so I get to start a new book tonight. so excited. Have a wonderful day, Grateful: 1.God 2.Church 3.Bible 4.Family 5.Food 6.water 7.house 8.car 9.money 10.Job
  3. days 10-15 So I have not been successful looking at anime and stuff, plus I did look at VR yesterday and have not been writing as much as I could. Today I started thinking are all my dreams apart of my own fantasy or is based on reality? The more I think of this the more questions arise which what I m escaping from? Why and how did it happen? Then what are some cures to put me on track? Now I m not saying I m appreciative the work I already have done, but just got me thinking when did fantasy become my reality and reality my fantasy, cause I to daydream alot. Another thing is I dislike are commercial, and tv lies. For example, if you get this product you will women or men flocking to you, or how tv makes reality look so easy, or when you go on vacation, how you will make wonderful memories but when you get there is nothing but. I guess I m struggling what escapism is and what reality is and I m halfway between the two and frankly I do not know what to do anymore. I even question why do I want to go into VR is because I can escape or is there something beneficial to it? I guess what I m really facing is I don't like accepting the reality it does not align with my fantasy and would like change without change. And I have a hard time expecting that change so I end up escaping whether it be anime, video games, etc, plus I m always jealous of-of other YouTubers who may have their life together yet I don't. Plus when I go social gathering I hear amazing stories yet I feel I don't have an amazing story to tell. Therefore I have rejected myself without realizing it so I could not experience the pain of the reality I live in. I guess I need to learn to love myself again because at this current stage I won't go anywhere. The second thing is I will be starting a meetup group hopefully in July and see how that goes. So this some of the emotions I m dealing with as of right now. I hope you have a wonderful day. Grateful: 1.God 2.Church 3.Bible 4.Family 5.Job 6.Food 7.water 8.car 9.House 10.money
  4. Day 4-9 Okay, I had not been able to write as much as I like to so I will keep trying to write when I can. Reflection time: So I thinking about when I played video games and realized this I was addicted to games but am in the early stages of the addiction. To give you an example I might play about 1-4 hours of gaming at the most on Nintendo systems since that what I owned most of the time, anything beyond that I got bored. Then when I got into MMO game that I played I started off slow and turned an event bigger than what suppose to be, yes I was that influenceable. I would do the event every Tuesday night then we switch to Friday night and this event lasted around 3 hours at the most and me being an hour before so a total 4 hours though I did not play the game during the week as much. Unless I did an event or specific event happened. Its when I started making 2 events during the week that it kinda stressed me out a little bit so for the most part I played an average of 4 hours which is nothing compared to some of you (that not meant to be mean or anything) Its more to show you I was in the beginning stages of-the gaming addiction. Several times I tried to moderate the gaming and for 1 month I could what I called sat. night games where I play 30min per game for 2 hours and this stuck for a long time and that would be the average I played, In 2015 I got introduced to visual novels which is more like a storybook than a game but still has the same elements of the game and would play them 2 hours at night, and I m not sure why played them from 10:00 pm to 12:00 am but that what I did. Until one day I had just stopped playing them all together because I became more focused on anime shows I was watching than playing. Now, why do I bring this up you may ask? Well, a couple of reasons. The thing is a couple of years of ago I learned what my learning process is and boils down to two things either simple to read or it has to have story attached to it if I want to retain something I don't share my faith much but I will give you and an example I prayed to God back in 2011 to bring me a bible "that was accurate to his Word but read like a novel." A few months later I got the Voice Bible. And have learned more stuff out that bible because the way is written and simple approach than I would have reading NIV or any other bible. So this puts me in a rather difficult position when thinking of ways to learn new things that will stick and I will not forget about it later. This why I chose human Japanese because it was simple to read like person teaching you but not in the sense of text book where everything jumbled together and you're expected to know these things, same goes with my grammar girl is simplicity approach. So my parents want me to learn something new right but they want me to learn it through video courses or research. Sure I could do that but for me to able to retain something it has to have a simple approach and easy your way into it rather doing videos, now I did buy courses to make videos after watching several videos. So I found a series called Manga guide to linear algebra, universe, biology, microbiology, physics, etc, which teaches lessons through it story rather than being txt book, So you would think they appreciate something like this I found but come to find out it rejected as if that not the way to go instead do it the old fasion way, Now before you say anything I m not just getting to read the story but to learn from it because I read a chapter in one of them and wanted to read more and if you can do that, that quite impressive in itself for me who won't pick up txt book, sure I have other books I could and have tried python twice and gave up so this could be a great benfit to me. They say to wait to Christmas but want me to be practical now, I don't think that the best way to go because if I did that I will get nagged "Do you want to do something more than this?" and sometimes I m torn from doing family life and moving on and am in no-win situation here. This also why I used to play the visual novel burn your fat with me and gochi show so that I can learn to be more fit and get in a routine of it and cook as well but the problem with that is I don't want to be addicted to the app itself. And its one of my motivation to do so the question is how can turn my motivation around into how I learn? Plus it makes it more difficult when your parents playing games as a form of relaxing and them come tell me I m not doing enough, its like pc that it and anything I do outside the pc wildly ignored and I m not even sure why that is? To give you an exsample 1.Work monday do scripst 2.Gym then come home do audio somethings go to the park 3.Park if I can/ animation 4.Editing and maybe a parke learning humana japanese or grammer girl or reading how to create bussiness/ plus attend single group 5.Realx stay out most of the day 6.home most the day 7.Volunteer at group and spend sometime outside then come home but remember everything is ignored expect I m obsessed with pc somehow. And frankly I dont know what to do at the moment? so I do the best I can with the tools I have which is not much and eventually start a group I just thinking what involed with that, So I think that it for today thanks for reading. Grateful: 1.God 2.Bible 3.Church 4.Family 5.Life 6.Car 7.Job 8.Food 9.water 10.house
  5. Day 3 So today I went to the movies and saw detective Pikachu which is better than I was expecting and have finished editing a big line for my upcoming video so that good, there really nothing more to say except that you have general peace not playing then you do playing. Second I planted some sunflowers as well. Last night I finished the Chronicles of Narnia horse and the boy audio, now on to Prince Caspian and got a chapter in my book read, That it for today have a wonderful day Grateful: 1.God 2.Church 3.Bible 4.Family 5.Job 6.Car 7.Money 8.air 9, house 10.water
  6. So this a question I asked in my journal and it something I believed for a long time too, if the game does not qualify with your definition of the game then it, not a game. For example, would visual novels be considered video games? Would social VR be video games? What really defines what a video game is? Cause for a long time I did not think visual novels as video games and thought they were good interactive books, but boy was I wrong. If you dig a little deeper its a video game but in a different genre of video games but still game and has the same elements of video games. Same for social VR is a video game or not? So let me know the comments below what defines a video game to you and what does not and why do think that is?
  7. Day 2 Sorry, I was unable to write yesterday but I least I can write today. I have been successful in my no media detox on the second only looking at emails and youtube analysis. I now just watch the TV and let that be a source of info for news in the morning and the afternoon. Nothing more nothing less. I need to correct something when I said "2nd and Charles" I really meant the Hollywood town USA store. That a store for of people with a passion of trains, cars, card games, and board games and comics as well as other stuff. The best part they do not sell video games there, it's more like if you wanted to build a model of something you could kind of store. In one section of the story there comic second in the store and that where I would play the redemption card game. I just hope I m not trading one addiction for another. The other thing is I m still holding off until June to do my anime, manga, animation communities as of right now because I want to stick to that goal at least. The last thing is I will wrap up the last episode in this season of series I call What's The Church." Tonight I'm gonna go to bed early one to read the terrible book and 2nd to continuing to Christian audio series, and may even do what I m doing at the gym have marathon of all the artist in a row to finish because I need something constantly reminding me what I m doing is right and not wrong. I think that it for today have wonderful day. And thanks 30_yrs_of_gaming Grateful: 1.God 2.Church 3.Family 4.Bible 5.Job 6.Car 7.House 8.food 9.Water 10.money
  8. It just occurred to me while I m be struggling and its because I resisted iPhone till 2017, that impressive you think about it while parents got their iPhones and iPads around 2011-2013 era but I refused to have one because the addiction it caused even though I had video game addiction at the time not realizing it. So in 2017 when I did the game quitters I quit all video games but made the mistake of quitting ALL GAMES. Now my parents both play video games on their iPad, not so much on their iPhone but I have noticed that I m a magnet and if you remember two magnet repulsion. So what happened is I doing repulsion against a lot of addiction then I hear my parents say "You should try this or that?" then get upset at because it eats up my time with my own apps, therefore, theirs trying to get me to stick to them but their just repelling me back the other way, this also explains why I can't seem to get along with them because we're in consent repelling against each other on the matter. This makes sense now and helps explain a lot but the question becomes how can both stick together again? I have a few ideas but they may have to accept a few ideas and maybe I m meant to bring them back to reality just as I have even though they don't spend that much time on it, it getting kind of annoying their downstairs playing on the iPad with the tv on especially when I m trying to quit and they just don't understand what I m trying to do. Also, there seems to be this lie going around and trust me you know it when you see it, it basically said "it's not game, therefore, you can play" This leads me what defines a video game? Are visual novels considered video games? Is social VR (NOT VRCHAT) a game? What really defines it, The second thing is I have physical card game called Redemption that I m gonna learn (forgot about it). The idea here is to play a card came in public places like 2nd and Charles store and hopefully meet new friends from there. The last thing is I m making a commitment to have no VR for the next 90 days and work with what I have because I seriously need to be content with what I have and hopefully go to outing Friday night as well.
  9. I have decided that I gonna give this another round because as late bad habits have resurfaced and have left rather confused than better off, I think I m stressed because I can't seem to move on with my life, stuck with my parents, life taking me nowhere after the 2 years. And all my ideas seem wasteful like silly that has no real-world benefit, it may be I'm putting myself down I m not just venting and some other things I d rather not discuss here. So few mistakes I noticed when I was rereading my journal is the moment I stopped writing as much, I think when I stopped writing in my journal or if I don't have something to write in then it leaves me stressed and confused. I do have discord and apart of the community there as well VR church community that shares my faith but that might be exactly leading me back into temptation. When I looked at I think it was around Feb. 2018 I noticed a shift within my journal and not good shift but a shift of returning escaping ect. How can you go somewhere if all you do is escape? Well, I deleted most games whether you call alt-space vr a game or not I m not sure but will keep the discord available to people, the second reason for it is getting voice acting roles. What I m little confused on is first my brain wants the game, then decides it does not want to game, then decides to want to game, then not to be giving me good memories and for some odd reason I let the enemy entice me when I should have not. Some of the positives are that Animated Christians youtube channel is created, I m volunteering at a church with special needs, I m doing Christian mediation through soul time, I read my bible so why do I need to escape and what do I really want is something I need to answer. So starting tomorrow (Monday) (I'm not gonna do tomorrow and tomorrow never come routinely)I not gonna play video games for the next 90 days, now what I have to do is return anime and animation but in the most limited sense, the reason as of right now I have nothing to replace video games and anime even though I know there a connection plus part of my youtube channel is a based on looking for clean anime. Which is a good thing because it will get me away from the more raunchy anime, Now, what do I mean by limited sense well simply put anything I own I can watch but anything else I cant with the expectations of two communities this way I limit myself and my addiction hopefully a ton. The reason both communities is because both of them are what made get into animation so I want to give back to them in shape or form. This why I have made rule to only allow DVDs I own to watch and nothing else. So to give you a basic idea here how it works 1.No Social media during the weekday 2.NO iPhone during social gatherings 3.NO watching anime online ONLY DVDs I Own 4.NO Watching Cartoons online ONLY DVDs I own 5.VR is allowed for an upcoming project but can't be used to access anything else 6. Friday, Saturday, and Sunday will be released dat after 3:00 pm Friday I get all my social media for the weekend 7. Monday- Thursday focus on animation projects 8.Learn Japanese again 9, Improve grammar 10. Have Christian music playing at some point every day to help keep me in align 11. Will be returning to listening to Christian audio books 12. Will start reading manga and Christian manga 13. Reading books (almost finished with the terrible book that just to slow or drags) 14. Try to go to the YMCA for the next few weeks 15. Hopefully, find a replacement from both anime and cartoons that better myself. I think that it for today have a wonderful day and from now I m gonna keep this site open and write every day till I do not need it anymore, Grateful 1.God 2.Church 3.Family 4.Food 5.Water 6.Life 7.Air 8.Car 9.Job 10.House
  10. So I thought I let everyone know what's going on and what's happening and sad it may be I m playing again. To help understand this I reread my journals yesterday all of them to see what may be the problem or core issue lying beneath here. The fact is I m lonely and have been for a long time and even though I go out and enjoy things I think their part of me that does not return to my real body. To give you an idea it's a double personality and one personally is a very social person or persona you portray when gaming and the other is the real life you which you put you more lonely and not interested in anything. This and my addiction only increased when I had steam and because it was always there but it just increased more and more and thought maybe I have anime addiction as well. This why I chose to get rid of anime but have been unsuccessful in doing that. The one thing I did notice is I m letting my parents influence what decisions I make rather than me making them. If they say they want me to hang out I do but when I don't they think I spend too much time online. And this whole no social media I have not been doing either. I have joined another community called VR church in altspace and I m not sure you would consider it game since it more event-based but I thought the same thing of visual novels and that what got me addicated. I have discord to in which I community them. Plus I did burn your fat with me and cooking visual novel again and begging to realize when my parents ask me to do something different I try to do it and seems to work for a minute then they want me to do something else. Now I made the mistake of looking at all video games, board games, and games in general as evil to the point I did not want to touch any one of them, therefore, making myself even more miserable than before and yes I took it to that extreme and am realizing you can't escape the video game world when its all around you and my parents still play games and are fin with real life. I still struggle VR porn addiction in addiction in addiction to this but there some thoughts about returning and some say don't and frankly I m not sure what to do. Now I was ripping out some old stuff from one my notebooks that still had gaming in it but looking at them I saw I had some great concept art for game design though I m not drawer myself, in the papers I saw there was desire to become game designer and that kind of shocked me a little bit. Like I had an idea for a city building game, a game console that I wanted to create, and even world I wanted to build in my old MMO game which open source. This where my dilemma comes back in I really don't want to return but I would love to complete the project I had mind by designing it and their plenty of tutorials online but first I need to understand blender then-then I can install plugin and create something but part me thinks this my old way of thinking and another part wants me to return and I m not sure what to do? I have been asking is this going to take me where I want to go?, Do I want to be stuck here for the next 5 years? Where do I want be in 5 years? Does this accomplish my goals in some sense yes and no? I m also starting to see some of my goals are little silly even though they're small. Plus I have learned now that I need to always be working on something in some sense because I don't I become bored. The last thing I noticed is that steam yes steam helped enhance the addiction I had with the visual novels but without it, I m much happier but will I be returning I m not sure. That question I thought I ask all of you on this subject matter. PLus I m gonna make an effort today not to look at my phone during the social gathering that way I can talk to real people and hopefully start the no media detox again next week. Thanks for reading have a wonderful day Grateful 1.God 2.Church 3.Family 4.Food 5.Water 6.house 7.Car 8.money 9.life 10.air
  11. Now this trick is only for iPhone and I’m not sure about android. Have you ever looked through the App Store and you see a game with that cloud icon and it’s so tempting to to download it? Well this trick might help you it does not get get rid of your games or apps but makes harder to get to. I wish there was way to do it permanently but this the second best. 1.Go to the App Store 2.Go to your account in the top right hand corner 3.go to purchases 4.then swipe left and select hide 5.Do that to all the apps and games what it does is that it makes it look like you never bought that game or app. It’s no longer in the iPhone and you won’t see the iCloud icon on apps or games you may have been addicted to you. Now if you were to get them back you do these steps 1.Go to App Store 2.Go to your account in the right hand corner. 3.Go to to your account at the top again and type in your password 4.Then go to hidden purchases and that where there stored. I hope this helps someone, tell me your thoughts in the comments below.
  12. Yes but there story in part 2 that really good but you guys don’t have to watch the full series but they say something that helped me “take the lesson l learned from games and apply to the real world” its not for everyone but it was something that I was struggling with by looking at games evil or get it way from them, but when I heard it clicked what I should be accepting of it and how I can apply the lessons I learned from games to the real world. but I do recommend watching part because of his story. He does not say addiction but it apparent it was.
  13. I just wanted share something that really hit home for me and this is a 3 part series about gaming compulsion though he does not say gaming addiction, the series does Address what we all feel. Its done by extra credits youtube channel and yes he talks about video games but I would like you to watch this series because it clear what answer is and kind of know what cam is saying now. Here a link
  14. I would like know to know what are some withdrawals symptoms after giving up video games or how does your brain rationalize you? I’m having a withdrawal symptom of me wanting to return, it’s not that bad but I keep reminding myself it’s a withdrawal from this addiction. So what are some of you withdrawal symptoms and how you overcame them. Leave comment below.
  15. Week 7 I have been doing well and I thought I let you all know that in June I will be allowing anime back in but in a bit of a different way. What I will be allowing in June is anime DVDs and manga that I bought but Crunchyroll and hi-dive will not return as of yet, this so I do not put myself in the same position before and slowly let it but not let it take over me. Part of the reason is I will have not watched anime show in 180 days and the other reason because I want to make reviews of these products in my youtube channel and will need that time to analyze and write and produce those videos. The second thing I will be allowing is animation within the communities I m apart of so, in other words, I m allowed to watch the animation of each community which based on more users and their creations. (faith-based animations will be allowed as well.) One I had an idea before I did this but I keep delaying it. So that what will happen, as for youtube anything outside that animation will still not be allowed. This to keep me in control so I don't go whirling back in the same situation. The second thing I did learn is that if I unlock everything back the way it was before then I learned nothing and put back in the same situation. So of you may see this moderation and you could be right but it also has a purpose too. To help, like or comment on other users creation while still maintaining a strict balance between the two. The other thing it may be just me but is anime kind of perverted (not hentai) but just in general cause it kinda makes me feel guilty if I watch it again. Let me know your thoughts in the comments below. The second thing is I did complete another video so I m happy about that. I think that it for today have a wonderful day. Grateful: 1.God 2.Church 3.Family 4.Bible 5.Home 6. Food 7.Water 8.Car 9.job 10. money
  16. Now some of you may be asking why did do this, why did I blurt out games on place trying to get rid of games, well look at this way finally admitting to my addiction and I thought I release what I wanted to do to get rid of my negative energy that causes gaming and its something built up over the years. Now that admitting this, do I want to play yes and no but its less of a burden now like I don't need to play? It was just confessing I had a problem with it and that yes I would like to do those experiences but I know the outcome of those results. Now what do I really want to do 1. Visit Japan, Italy, Isreal 2.Gain 1000 subscribers to my youtube channel 3.Have my own business 4. Make social connections easier. 5.reading again 6.learning Japanese Those are some my real goals and I will soon read a book called startup business made simple by matt knee. I thought I say I feel a lot better about this, I m addicted to other stuff but rather not post on a public form that just me but I m aware of it and their's an old saying "to admit something is the first step to healing." Not sure where that quote is from but I thought I let everyone know why I did what I did and why it's so profound to me. That it for today have a wonderful day Grateful: 1.God 2.Church 3.Family 4.Bible 5.Car 6.Money 7.House 8.Water 9.Job 10.food
  17. Week 6 Reflection time: I need say something and something I never noticed before is that I never admitted that I’m addicted to video games and anime. Well today I’m saying it I m addicted to video games and anime. I also would like to complete games I got not to finish like burn your fat with me, GochiShow, gal gun vr, virtual novel, fantasy life, another visual novel, even vr chat and would like to complete them someday and dislike having something half completed. You maybe asking why I’m doing this? Well I m admiting on what I want do but know I can not handle the pressure otherwise 8 months will go by without accomplishing something. I just felt I needed to get that off my chest and know my life is better without it with my own quote “Do I want to leave life on pause or do I want to press play on life.” life seems to move so fast for me that I have hard time catching up by the time I react to do something. The struggle I have is finding a soical connection with anybody my age. And even the soical groups I do go to are much older than me so it makes extremely hard to find someone your age but relatable. It may seem like I’m being hard on myself and maybe I am but felt compelled to express this. Now on to positives. I have gained 6 new subscribers to my YouTube channel. I will be volunteer in special needs minstrelsy in a church once a month. Will be going back on no social media detox and hopefully do what I did before with a few slight changes. 1.Twitter will be allowed Wednesday. 2.facebook and tubular will be allowed Thursday 3.youtube on Friday. There reason for it. Tutorial videos will be after 7:00pm which is not youtube. I think that it for today. Have a wonderful day. Grateful: 1.God 2.Bible 3.Church 4.family 5.Job 6.Home 7.Car 8.Food 9.Water 10.money
  18. Your brain is rationalizing because it wants that video game feel. If it helps I still struggle without playing. Getting rid of tech dose not slove the problem but what you can do is limit it and it requires displine to do. I have some called no social media detox that normally due and basically no Facebook, YouTube, reddit, Instagram, Snapchat, Twitter, ect. For 4 day Monday through Thursday. Then on Friday I allow myself these sites. What im saying is get yourself a reward system that sort acts like game rewards you. The second is this quote I made last year “do you want leave life on pause or do you want press play on your life.” The choice is your and your alone, I can’t choose it for you only give the best advice I can.
  19. So the last few days I have been asking myself why am craving games?, what am I trying to escape from? Took me awhile to figure it out but I have overwhelmed and stressed subconsciously but my mind did not know it and it explains why I have not kept neatly diet why I went to Vr. The cause is another family member that was doing it but I did subconsciously not realizing it so I talk to this person and now we’re on good terms. with that said I will reached 90 days without having watch a single anime show so that plus. How do feel better like I live reality and not fanstay. When I said messed up anime I mean watch mmd still anime but not entire show. Now one of my dreams is create anime and I have book of how to Draw anime characters but found a software called vroid that my allow me to do this. So I’m kind of excited to see if I use this software though it still in beta though makes me wonder if it will harm my pc? The second thing is I realized that because I was just going to fast food restaurants that I could not interact with anyone and refused to go to sit down unless I had someone. Sort like waiting for a friend to drop in your lap. That not gonna happen. So now at the end of every month I gonnna start making conversation with waitresses and waiters at sit down restaurant like chili’s. Then at the first of every month one fast food restaurant. The reason is to build social skills and to make friends this way. Thridly I may volunteering at church for special needs every month as well. This help me as well build social skill even if they are kids. Fourthly I have now 30 subscribers on my YouTube channel and I really do appreciate everyone. I will say YouTube is a lot of work but it fun to finally share my ideas to the world. So life is moving forward why would I want to go back to games as right now. So I’m in better mood today than the last few weeks and I m trying to count my positives and not just my negatives. So why do I put the negatives first well that simply because I don’t want to read positive then scroll down and see negative I write negative first because bit gets out there then you can see the positives in it. I also found if I watch Japanese documentary or nature (no music) natural that seems to clam me down as welll. Speaking of Japanese I finally completed chapter 6 of human Japanese so another accomplishment and went to the park today read out of my bible and then came home watch a faith based movie. so I’m getting their audio series not so much and reading not so much those are things i can improve on this week. That it for today have a wonderful week grateful: 1.God 2.church 3.family 4.Bible 5.food 6.water 7.house 8.Car 9.Job 10.communities I’m apart of.
  20. Week 4 I have done alright but I think there few things I need to do. You see I never knew this but I was becoming frustrated with at work made turn like a jerk (luckily did not lose my job) overwhelmed not sure by what by work or the YouTube channel. Though I did unconsciously so I did not even realize this was being done but others around me have shown me have. So I m thinking of getting some consoling from a church I know of to help figure out what I feeling because sometimes I m not sure what I feeling and don't know if I m upset, or happy sometimes or that's something I don't want to do. Plus I m suffering from visual stimulation from vr, anime and games (too cold to go outside but sunny) and because of that all emotions have surfaced and I seem to take it on everyone without realizing it, and I think I would have the nicest person. I have not done any my pervious stuff either but what have been doing is video tutorial's at nights so that a plus. You may disagree with me on this but I m going to try vr app to mediate with because there times I want invisible punching bag to punch but I m trying to come up with another solution than this because this puts me back in a spot I don't want to be in. Plus I do plan to reread my journals so no worries there now that the negatives out of the way lets looks at some positives On Tuesday I did 3 laps in the pool to and from each corner total of 6 if you want to be accurate, so I m happy about that, second I started doing tutorials on courses I bought (a bunch) for YouTube and this has helped instead of putting on one day like I was before I think this works as better solution to my problem. I m a little back and forth on this on weather to have Facebook open during the week or not because I prefer not to but I might miss a livestream or something in the community might be important as long its that specific community, So though are areas I thinking of improving on. 1. counseling 2.VR mediation (temporary) 3.Tutorials will be during the night only (cant be YouTube) 4.Read 5.Christian music 6.audio series 7.Possibly of keeping this open. That it for today have a wonderful day Grateful: 1.God 2.Church 3.Family 4.Bible 5.food 6.water 7.house 8.car 9.job 10.communities I m apart of
  21. I’m gonna not saying I’m gonna do it right away I’m just thinking of the brainstorming with the idea.
  22. Thanks Now I do feel much better today and I did get clarity on a few things but its something I thought I never return to. You see I see the problem in gaming and many people don't find a place like this where they could get free from. Second is to stop looking at gaming as a bad thing because the more I tried to get rid of the more it was put in front of me. So what is it that I want to do well simply collect people from lost VR world or 2d world they have escaped to and show them a real earth but in order to do this I m must return to gaming, not as random player but use the gaming as a tool to teach others of the real world and the differences between them. I see so much potential in that but as a former addict myself I would have said no I traded for something better but what ended up happening is I started to get negative, irritable, and not fun to be around with. So instead I resisted the problem rather than solve the problem and the question is what are positives in games you learn, teamwork, social connections (even though they're not real) you learn how to overcome obstacles and figure the best solution and you make the wrong turn you can find out what went wrong. You see we all the negatives in games but sometimes we must look at the positive too. Now do I want the return to gaming no but the more I try to escape it the more it becomes in front of my face as if a calling is happening, Now this could be brain readjusting to and I did play oculus rift today, not a mess up but what really strange is that felt no emotional attachment to it, now some of the positive of quitting gaming is getting a job, starting youtube channel, investing in youtube course, learning to animate and manage time, so both have positives and negative the negatives of gaming is you addicted to the world, community, and forget about real life not realize 9 months have gone by, you never seem to get anywhere, you feel like your wasting away. I just find out what cam truly means when he said games not bad. I think we should look at the positive sides of what gaming did to us and what we learned then see the negative impact of as well then we get a full picture of who we are and what we need to do. For now I gonna not game because I want to talk this over for a few communities and some people I know but I let you know what the final decision is, am I fully aware of the addictive behavior it brings but I see people getting stuck in this world even more than now and that why I would like to offer way out sort like a double agent. That it for today have wonderful day. Grateful: 1.God 2.Church 3.Bible 4.Family 5Life 6.Job 7.Car 8.Home 9.Food 10.water '
  23. I m on youtube and I came across this youtube video that says if video game makers were honset and it sort fits with this community and what we deal with and the real truth here even if they are making fun of it here's a link
  24. You are correct fawn_xoxo I have been beating my head like being punched without realizing the positive but in this process, I found something that is causing it. You see I fear rejection and I have done is rejected myself in order to protect myself from other rejection so I don't get hurt. I get hurt much easier like glass so you know when you get hurt it hurts deeply with mine will go down even deeper and I m not sure how to fix that. Another thing I have noticed I do hide and this has been practiced unconsciously of course because I must have trained to reject everything in life. This has been the one cause of everything that I m beginning to figure out. Life could be going good but at a certain point, I can't pinpoint when it is that I end up rejecting myself, job, my life, and wish I could move to point a to point b and life moving so fast. So at the core is rejection and its something I need to overcome and accept and it kind it explains why if I get close to someone they leave because I reject them unconsciously that and I think I believe the TV life expectations you in the commercials, and movies and have taken that to much to heart, Now that I have told you that let me think of the positives here when I quit gaming I found a job a few months later, I started a youtube channel in July 2018 called Animated Christians, I did some reviews and series and original movies which I need to get back into its getting time to do it. That it for today have a wonderful day. Grateful: 1.God 2.Bible 3.Church 4.Family 5.Life 6.Food 7.Water 8.Home 9.Job 10.Car
  25. Week 3 This week I messed up with Vr but was able to last 14 days so better than nothing so it means I m improving in that area but I m decreasing in another. You see I think I m coming to grips with the reality that I have rejected my whole life and I still don't know how to cope with it, I have tried in the past with videos, anime, etc. but at the core of I think I reject myself as well. This leads me to a weird situation. You see I have tried to eliminate as much of social media as possible, expect the email, and youtube analytics then eliminated video games in addition to it and eliminated anime and cartoons. I have tried to replace its positive faith music, audio, reading the bible every day, go to church, church events etc. To try to counteract it with something positive. The thing I have noticed and it maybe have to start doing is eliminate watching news at night because I think some negative feelings are coming from that, second is I m in no-win situation with my parents in which I mean if I don't hang out with them they think I obsession on the PC, but if I don't they say I should move on with my life so I get rejected both ways on that situation, thirdly I have never really dealt with rejection before and not sure how to accept things as is because I take everything to heart to seriously and I m not sure how others live without affecting them? For me it harder I want to know how now tell me to have a positive outlet on life because right now I have turned into a very negative machine and I need to reverse but not sure how or even what to do? I do something unconsciously to where If I go to events that I will hide and avoid making friends as fear of rejection as a way to protect myself. The second is the moment I get close to anyone they seem to leave or move somewhere else and this happened on one or more occasions. So when I had anime I had a way to cope with the situation though it was more addicting that lead to depression saying I m never gonna get anywhere, So if you have any suggestions on how to turn all my negative energy into positive one or how to deal with it and move one cause I think this hindering my growth, I d be grateful if you guys or gals have any idea. Grateful: 1.God 2.Family 3.Church 4.Bible 5.Life 6.Car 7.Job 8.Home 9.Food 10.Water