Zeke Journel Round 2

[zeke365]

days 10-15

So I have not been successful looking at anime and stuff, plus I did look at VR yesterday and have not been writing as much as I could. 

Today I started thinking are all my dreams apart of my own fantasy or is based on reality? The more I think of this the more questions arise which what I m escaping from? Why and how did it happen? Then what are some cures to put me on track?

Now I m not saying I m appreciative the work I already have done, but just got me thinking when did fantasy become my reality and reality my fantasy, cause I to daydream alot.

Another thing is I dislike are commercial, and tv lies. For example, if you get this product you will women or men flocking to you, or how tv makes reality look so easy, or when you go on vacation, how you will make wonderful memories but when you get there is nothing but. 

I guess I m struggling what escapism is and what reality is and I m halfway between the two and frankly I do not know what to do anymore. 

I even question why do I want to go into VR is because I can escape or is there something beneficial to it? 

I guess what I m really facing is I don't like accepting the reality it does not align with my fantasy and would like change without change. And I have a hard time expecting that change so I end up escaping whether it be anime, video games, etc, plus I m always jealous of-of other YouTubers who may have their life together yet I don't. Plus when I go social gathering I hear amazing stories yet I feel I don't have an amazing story to tell. Therefore I have rejected myself without realizing it so I could not experience the pain of the reality I live in.

I guess I need to learn to love myself again because at this current stage I won't go anywhere. 

The second thing is I will be starting a meetup group hopefully in July and see how that goes.

So this some of the emotions I m dealing with as of right now. I hope you have a wonderful day.

Grateful:

1.God

2.Church

3.Bible

4.Family

5.Job

6.Food 

7.water

8.car

9.House

10.money 

[zeke365]

Day 16

Today been an okay day because I did VR again though I feel guilty, I see the possibilities as well. 

Something even more strange is that when I was checking all my subscribers on my youtube channel, I noticed most them were gamers (not all of them) but my channel has nothing to do with gaming at all. It's more animation. So I kind of find that both interesting and strange at the same time though I m grateful that they enjoy the content. 

More issues rise as I m in a weird position, so to help explain this, say you're certain age but you're too old for youth and college but not quite up to there with people ten years older than you. This type of position I m in and I have talked about before yes, but I hope this explains my situation a little more. 

So I want to hang with people with my own age group yet none live the area I live, they live 20 miles away or just to far to drive, I go to different events to meet new people so work some don't but mostly I encounter people about 10 years older than me. This happened more than once just to let you know this has been a recurring issue. This is also across 3 counties too.

One exception I did find is a place called wine and the word but other than that it's been extremely hard. The other thing is and I have talked to others in my area about it that says there really is not a lot to do in this area. Unless you like endless shopping and food about it with a few fun events here and there.

The second thing is the place I volunteer at is mostly younger than me. so that does not help. Plus I have no accountability partner as well. 

So the only solution is going to make a new group which I few ideas for and hopefully gain traction but I m running ideas of what to as of right now.

The second is internet at for me if I have too much freedom they take a turn for the worst and its not games I m talking about. There times I would rather have my internet wide open or pretend someone watching (may give me nightmares) just so I could avoid certain things and work on what I want to work on. 

Now what would like to come of this detox simply to have a healthy relationship with gaming instead of obsessive one, I m not talking about moderation I m more saying have balance and freedom back.

Maybe I took it too extreme to fast and need to do things one at a time because I know their all connected. So I hoping next week when I release my anime I know, manga  I own, and my animation communities that it will provide a replacement for a while but eventually I need another replacement or balance between these things since I get obsessive or one or another, Its not the best solution I know but it better than nothing. 

Plus I finally completed a book last night I did not like buts it done so I get to start a new book tonight. so excited. 

Have a wonderful day, 

Grateful:

1.God

2.Church

3.Bible

4.Family

5.Food 

6.water

7.house

8.car

9.money

10.Job