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Primus's Daily Journal


AssellusPrimus

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Well, its the 5am in the morning, not much of the day has gone by to consider this a day journal more like pre-journal. I have been laying in bed since 3am reading respawn, and it reminded of the forum, so here I am. I am excited to quit, I usally am, I have quit 1000 times, and it always feel good to know that tomorrow, I might actually make a nice breakfast rather than hoping straight on the computer. Except, tomorrow I will have to do groceries first, cause I have none, and I have been eating out for a few days, I also have class tomorrow, which I probably wont go too, because its in 6hrs and I haven't sleep. On top of the no gaming (which I have decided to quit for a month, and evaluate my feelings about it) I have also decided to quit 4 other things, which might be overkill but I think will keep me busy if I am not gaming. 

1. Quit Gaming

2. Pescatrian Diet

3. No Fap

4. Quit Smoking (for month)

5. Commit to rising at 6am (yes that is in a hour, I will definitly be napping at some point today)

I made these commitments because I think they are good for me and I will increase the quaility of my life. Whether I can honor them, who knows but hell I'll try. Today, is going to be a get organized day. After about 3 weeks of gaming, and no focus on work or school, I gotta get my shit together. Tomorrow, I will clean up my apartment, plan the 3 days worth of meals and go buy them, start moving all my files from my gaming desktop into a easily transferable folder so I can prepare to let it go, and probably most important figure out what I have to do for school and do it, theres only two weeks left and its gonna be shit show. That said throughout the day, I'd like to finish reading respawn and perhaps give a good cleaning out fo my clothes closet, I have been reading alot about minimlism and find that less is more, also its much easier to pick outfits when you only have a few. 

Gonna try and sleep for an hour... ciao.  

 

 

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Day 1

Felt like a long today, and I am not sure where it began and where it ended. I was really happy to get things done around the house, do groceries and cooked two nice meals, salmon spanich couscous salad and a bok coy stir fry, I forgot how nice it was too cook. I really struggled to wake up for class in the morning and while I deadlines are closing in didnt really manage to get any homework done as planned, though I felt like I needed the day to relax and get everything together. I will have more time to focus on it tomorrow though I worry I am using my recovery as an excuse to not procrastinate on my work instead of school. 

I watched a lot of netflix today as an alternative, I am going to have to start paying attention to that so I don't just transfer my habit, it occurred to me I really have to start being aware of how I spend my time, but also why I spend my time doing the things I do. What void am I trying to fill and how do I fill it in a healthy way. 

I am looking forward to this journey but it has been tough, its funny when I listen to specific type of music it reminds me of gaming and makes it harder to resist the urges, so today I download a site blocker and I banned my access to steam for 3 months to avoid relapse feels good to be doing this but a bit nerve racking. Tomorrows goals include going to the gym and hitting the library to get some work done. 

Sheldon

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@thehondasc00py I think stress maybe, but I am not really a social person and I don't drive, so in the winter its so easy to just hang out at home, and I have a beautiful PC and monitor just staring at me in my main room. I also guess that I just never really crashed Id always come close pull my shit together to make it by then relapse cause I had more free time again. Good question, the though analyze there helped. 

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@Dannigan Thanks Dan, for the read, your right I can totally analyze and aware of it, problem is im a really forgetful dude and when your addicted time just stand still and feels like a blur, I never really wrote everything down and refelected on it, I usally just go to sleep and wake up exaughsted. I am glad to be sharing and writiing down my day as it gives a sense of accountability and reflection. 

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Day 2+

So today is Day 2, though I should really say day 1 again, but rather then starting over again I want to look at it as a learning experience because I feel progress was made. Firstly, I woke up and kicked my assignments ass, by 3pm I was finished and wondering what to do with my day, I had left overs night and caught myself in waiting mode as I killed time before visiting my sister. Still excited that I completed what I thought was gonna take me all day, I decide to reward myself by playing a single player PS4, I had given my console to my bro earlier to keep stairs, he didn't have  problem letting me use i and I played for an hour and stopped, to be honest I wasnt really interested n that game and new I could turn it off, but I still kinda felt like I was cheating and a bit dissapointed.

Later in the evening i met with my bf who just returned from Hawai, we smoked a joint and I ended up playing split screens with him until 2am,, now, and to be honest I am less disapointed about the game, as I think it was the mj that imparied my judgment, oh yeah also ordered a large pizza and fucked up my diet. Anyway, I love my friend but I realize I cant smoke with him anymore, I honestly don't mind playing games with him if their split screen but I have to first evaluate if I can manage it sober.

Lastly, I decided to be accountable to my professors this year, while I am normally a 4.0 gpa student, I completely skimmed through this year, I have always taken pride in my academics and even work as a research assistant at my universty but this year, I didn't show up to classes and submited assignments late and will be averaging about 20-30% lower than my average marks, which for me is important cause I need scholarships for school. Anyway, I set up a meeting with my proffess to apologize for my truency and mend any relationships, before starting next semester as being a small field people talk and my reputation has been one of the reasons of my success in my field so I figured I would come clean, and in my career Child and Youth Care, the proffs are generally understanding. Anyway, this all sounded like a good idea yesterday when I was sober for my first day, I was like I can do this I can inform them and put this behind me, but after tonight I realize its gonna be harder then I thought and who wants to say sorry, then do it again. 

Anyway, if anybody made it this far, you are the real MVP. I meet with her tomorrow and now I realizing owing this is scary as fuck, but I have always found growth after pain, because it makes me uncomfortable I have to dive into it. I'll let you know how it goes. 

Sheldon

 

 

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Day 3 

Well today was rough, I had thought yesterday playing a single player game would keep me in check but I was definitly wrong, I ended staying home all day and gaming, on this single player game, so I realize now two things, one that single player games are just as easily addictive as multiplayer games for me, and second one of my addictive quaility stem from a completionist mindset. When ever I sit down for something I feel like I have to complete it and hyperfocus on it until its done, it works great with school not so great with gaming. This mindset has caused me a lot of problems and changing from a mind set that I must poor my everything into one thing to enjoying things in moderation and recognizing that somethings take time and can not be accomplished instantly would certainly help improve the quailty of my life. Regardless of this, I realize that while moderation is important, gaming is not something worth moderating or my time. So tomorrow, I will remove my PS4 and try again, on a positive note I refrained from playing multiplayer games on my PC which is notable. This is gonna be more than 90's for my detox but the reflection process is helping naviagte my thought process.

Tomorrow we start day 1 again. 

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Day 4

Well today, I learned that I simply struggle alot to take myself away from any kind of video game, at first I though I would lean into the challenge, so I set a timer for 2 hrs in morning turned into 4, when I finally decided to "turn of the screen" it was short lived as my brother reminded me there was a tournement in my favourite game today. I have 4 days left of school 1 assignment and 2 exams and I have done anything for it. Thankfully its a bit of a wake up call. and after I played in the tournment, and got my ass kicked I realized what I really enjoy is winning, accomplishing things. This jounery has turned out to be much harder than I orginally thought, but I am determined to succeed, I just posted my PS4 on Kijiji and it sold instantly Yay!!! Feels good, next is my computer I realize if I want to change I have to change my enviorment, I will use the money I get to buy an external Hard drive and then sell my PC, its time. 

Thank you to everyone who posts their journals, its really inspiring to see you all making progress. It feels like I have an opportunity to create a new me and that I will do. Tomorrow I want to start me detox over aim for the 90 days from the start! Best of luck on your adventures as well. 

-S

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Day -5

Honestly, I am starting to wonder what is wrong with me. I made progress today and sold my PS4, for $300 cash, I gave 50 to my brother cause he had downloaded a game on there and I know money is tight for him. I was a little nervous letting it go but I did, then I started working on my homework and was about to sell my brother my headset but he didn't want it because he doesnt use the mic (hes only 11 and pretends hes older), anyway I told him about voice changers, and next thing you know, I put my homework aside and spend 2 hours creating a Death Note: Kira Voice mod, and Im testing it game, this was at 3pm and nexts think you know its 12:40am. 

Fuck...

The computer has too go, I am going to by an external hard drive this week, and then say goodbye. Slow and steady but I'll get there. 

 

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Day 5 

So I was thinking why do I keep repeating the same mistakes, I know what I am need to do yet I have been avoiding really letting go, I am tired of the back and forth, so as we speak I am clearing all the files off my CPU onto my USB and I will be packing it up and giving it to my brother. At first I was hesitant to do such a thing as I don't want to get him hooked either but today I realize he is very much a reflection of me, if I am not gaming he rarley is, he already has a computer and this will be a nice treat for him. Let the real detox begin. 

 

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Dont give up. Its not easy getting out of an addiction. You need to first find your own way of how to deal with it. I didnt want to believe either when i was told that its best to quit all gaming (mp, sp, mobile) for 90 days. Like you i also still played single player games and then whoop i was back in the heroingame. Like you i had a timer for playing. Whoop didnt work -_-  In the end i bought a laptop which is good enough for internet and writing but which is not capable of running games, so that i dont have to touch my gaiming pc. So yes i think its good you get rid of your gaming environment as well..even if its hard ;)

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Day 6

Today was an absolute win, though I got sloppy near the end. Started the day right by giving away my gaming PC, funny I was happy to see it go as part of me new it unlocked the doors to freedom. I then went to Walmart and bought a external hard drive, some magic cards, a journal, and language learning book. Spent some time at a coffee shop and came home to play a few games of cards with my younger brother. I completely missed a work meeting this morning not because I was addicted but because I have been so caught up in recover mode our weekly Skype debrief completely skipped my mind, forcing me to talk to my employee also my ex-professor as I am a research assistant about my addiction, the universe was kind and she was very supportive, offering me to take what ever time I need and contribute only what I can. 
 

I started a Journal with goals, now that I have more time on my hands or feel I will without any consoles I feel liberated, though I have to watch how much netflix I am watching.

Current goals include: No Gaming, No Fap, 14 hours of Spanish Practice a Week, 15 mins of daily meditation.

No Relapses today, yay!

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Wow thats a massive step, giving the gaming pc away.  Thats amazing that you were happy to see it go.  also Thanks for the advice you shared with me last night it was cool to connect with ya a bit.

Looks like we both want to meditate, looking forward to talking with you about it.

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@JoshD Thanks Josh, it did feel like a big step, I have two laptops so I am not living like a hermit but I my laptops don't have the processing power to run games. So it seemed to be like the right move at the time. It was certainly a leap, but sometimes you have to jump to learn how to swim. I enjoyed connecting with you as well, looking forward to learning, reflecting and growing together. :)

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Day 2

Hey everyone so I decided to reset the counter, and start my 90's again, while it is actually day 7 and I want to acknowledge my achievements honestly and evaluate my progress, and feels right for me. 

Today has been day two since I have last gamed, I have accomplished much in this time and created a journal with numerous goals in which I am going to accomplish over the next 30 - 90 days. While I have freed up a large amount of time since I stopped gaming its time to rebuild the life and person I have always dreamed of becoming. I have decided to also really challenge myself by taking on some numerous goals, that I think support personal growth and development and I will share them with you. 

Firstly, I think it is important to create healthy categories of goals, otherwise I find I set all behavior based goals and neglect various aspects of my life:

Habits, Relationships, Career, Spirituality, Beliefs and Values, New Learning, Exploration (goals to try new experiences), Travel, Love, Health and Wellbeing, Community Contributions. 

If anyone can think of any other areas that they set goals in I would love for you to share.

Habits and Wellbeing

My first goal is obviously the 90 day detox, but concurrently I am doing the 90 day No Fap Challenge, I have found porn and masturbation to interfering with sex drive, and my desire to flirt, or seek intimate relationships, also I find myself with more energy when refraining, and naturally attract more intimacy into my life. (Does anyone else feel the same way?)

New Learning

My second 6 Month goal is spending 14 hours studying Spanish a week, I love traveling and really desire to pick up the language so I can work abroad. 

Health and Wellbeing (90 Days)

I think diet is often an overlooked component to health and wellbeing, for the next 90 days I will be adopting a pescatrian diet, I am in the process of coming up with goals that revolve around eating out limits. 

Meditaiton - 10 -15minutes a day

Exercise 3 - 4 times a week. 

and waking up at 6am on a regular basis as I am veteran snooze master, I found moving my alarm across the apartment gives me little choice but to get up, and turn on the lights before it wakes up the neighborhood. I have also found it is important to have a routine in the morning other wise it is easy to crawl back in bed which is why I will be exercising in the morning, this is a 30 day goal for me. 

I am very aware that this is pretty ambitious but I love a challenge and my greatest competition is myself, looking forward to the adventure. If anyone has any good relationship goals, I would love to hear them as I am lacking and have no idea where to start or what would be a good goal. 

 

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As far as relationship goals just meet new people and make new friends. Ask people about things they say they are interested in. They will think you're cool for paying attention and listening.

If you find you have to fap do it without porn. I think porn is damaging but masturbation not necessarily so. You know yourself best though so do what helps you the most.

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@Natelovesboardgames Thanks for that relationship tip, often the simplest tips are the most overlooked. I have never tried fapping without porn, but there is some research on the art of sexual transmutation, which explores the idea of sexual energy being something that is contained and can be released via ejaculation, we often see it with pro athletes who refrain from having sex before competing. It is my intention, to learn how to translate late this sexual desire into other medians, creativity, relationships, habit transformation, I actually heard Ghandi sleep next to two virgins but never laid a finger on them to cultivate and harness this energy. Love your recommendation though, if find myself having to in moment, I will use my imagination.

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8 hours ago, AssellusPrimus said:

there is some research on the art of sexual transmutation

Never thought I would hear someone else talk about this. If you've ever read Think and Grow Rich, there's some discussion on it as well, though vague (and you have to get the right version :p). I think it's spot on though, especially what you said about sports. For me, any kind of sexual activity before exercise is a no-no. I remember indulging once before a karate class and I was just drained afterwards, it was awful.

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Hey @JSmith, I really enjoyed that book, it was one of the first books I have read that introduce the concept. I can, attest to it with my own experiences, I find not only have more energy, but in a strange way attract polar energies into my life. The Way of the Superior Man, speaks about this idea as well, and while for men the whole idea of orgasm is release, letting go, to be complete. There are ways and books that talk about reverse orgasm, much like how women can have multiple and stack them, with training men can orgasm internally as energy, which flows up their spine to there brain creating a euphoric experience, which allows one to keep the essence of that desire and energy. I loved Think and Grow Rich, its in my Hall of Fame library. 

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Day 3 

I feel accomplished today but exhausted, I woke up at 6am today and made my way to the gym. Attended classes and completed various errands that I was planned to do this morning. Around 6pm, I felt overly exhausted and laid down for a few hours, I am starting to feel a bit of a void that used to be video games and feel it important to now find an activity that I enjoy and have fun doing as I am having an urge for meaningful entertainment. Looking forward to having a tea tonight, and catching up on my sleep!

Sheldon  

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@AssellusPrimus hey man, i don't know if it works for you, but there are definitively some healthy means of enternaiment. And from what i've read from your entries, i think you need one. Oherwise, you'll just burn yourself out. Maybe you can start by learning something you always wanted. Bartender, cooking, whatever it is that you find pleasing. If it can be done around other people, better!

Keep up the good work buddy

 

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Wow! You have made so much progress in a short time. I mean you sold your gaming system and gave away your gaming PC. That's huge! 

Some of the things I've been doing to fill the void is adult coloring books, listening to classical music while cleaning and decluttering the house, calling a friend or family member to talk instead of gaming, inviting friends or family over or out to spend time together playing board games, d and d, or to catch up. I have three daughters so I am making more of a point to teach them things, play with then, read books, etc. We also go on more walks together, play outside together and hang out with their little friends. 

I really recommend embracing minimalism. It has changed my life so much. Especially financially. I only buy things my family truly needs. The house is always clean, and if its been 3 days since I've cleaned and tidy it only takes an hour my husband and I to deep clean the house together. The thing of minimalism is that there are different levels for everyone. You adapt it to your needs. I have three children at three different age groups, a husband obsessed with kitchen gadgets and doodads and a father who prefers to be surrounded by stuff. My journey is not 100% yet, but eventually as my husband, children and dad learn to let go, I will be there. The journey can take as long or as short as you need, but it teaches you how to just be in the moment and how to let go. It makes the detox a little bit easier I think. 

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Day 4

Its amazing that is only day 4, it feels like weeks. I feel good, and I am really enjoying the extraordinary amount of additional time I have in my life to work on things that are important to me. A big part of my life now is learning to manage all this extra time to not only be productivity but also to cultivate spirituality and relationships.I got out yesterday, had a long overdue haircut and got in touch with some old friends. Been listening to a lot of podcasts which have been so enjoyable and continuing to journal my goals. 

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