JoshD

Addiction has a strong grip on me or I have a strong grip on it update graduated massage therapy school dont want to massage strangers new therapist specializing in EMDR therapy 25 years old and still in the basement bought back my nintendo switch when I should of bought a computer to learn how to code currently sitting at Starbucks reading a computer science book, python makes a lot of sense to me and I think I have potential here, need a computer and a community college computer science degree if I want a job doing that Might apply to the cable company to work as a cable guy, i just need to stop wasting my time at the spa. life is hard when trauma memories strikes and you want to cope off to study and learn coding without a computer

Welp, I am definitely a videgame addict at the moment. That was a huge relapse. *exhale* relapse super hard and for a long time. This is a lot harder than I thought it was going to be. This isn't easy for me, I think I just need to change my habits but man that sounds like one heck of an uphill battle, I guess the hardest part is looking at the big scary rollercoaster of life outside of gaming, Its like I need to build up to it somehow, My studies have been lackluster. I don't feel good about life, I can't believe I am back, infact I don't really, I am just sort of posting here to check in I guess, but I hope I can commit finally, Fear of commitment has been a huge things for me all throughout my life. I am not a very scheduled like kind of person, I want to change, I bought a book called get your sh*t together a few weeks back and I think I read the first 4 pages, and then went straight back to the TV, autopilot. Damn. Rereading this has made me feel sort of sad, almost like lost progress, If I only kept up I could be somewhere else now instead of now. I don't really know what to say. I won't give up, but even If I do, I can always try again. It just sucks tho, cause every time you fall back its like you don't believe in your willpower or something like that, I am not sure maybe its just my experience. Other than I am here and I am a fighter and I will fighter this thing, but it sucks cause I am fighting me and my urges and what I want to do... Gym,Reading,Studying,QIgong, hopefully I have willpower or the grit to do at least one of these consistently. Tough mudder is coming up in September and I want to do it,

Day 8 Included, Studying, Working at my local acupuncture studio helping my Qigong Teacher out, Exercising, meditating. I met someone who has 40 years of meditation experience the other day and I want to meet this person again and ask them about their journey maybe she could recommend me a book or two or give me some tips. I find myself looking inward now instead of gaming haha, Feeling confident about this upcoming Anatomy quiz I have on Wednesday, Looking forward to therapy and school later this week.

Day 7 At this time last week I was on the back end of a 3 day binge of videogames and not studying or being in nature. Yesterday was a nice day, During meditation while I was looking inward, I heard a phrase :) and this phrase is like a principle that I carry with myself and there was lot of unpacking to do with it. I am starting to love looking inward, I used to think meditation was all about calming the mind and just resting and distressing, but When I add the element of looking inward and meditating on my purpose it gets a whole lot more interesting to me. I would of never have noticed any of this if I was staring at a screen pressing buttons letting my mind wander and tense up. Haven't had any cravings yet cause I have been keeping busy and staying off autopilot. Tonight I have a music gig and I am excited to see the turn out, Today I will be practicing the set list, studying, looking inward, and working out. Thanks! and okay, If I don't post in the morning I will be posting at night,

Thats a great Idea and that would be an interesting list, I mean I am in my mid twenties and I don't really see the need for videogames anymore because I am starting to make a lot of friends at massage school and I am noticing there is a lot to do during the day, There is so much read and learn out there, Music is one of my gifts and I want to practice that and massage so I can make the world a better place. Videogames I see as a form of procrastination, When I do want to procrastinate , I will go watch some Bob's Burgers or something that doesn't have an illusion aspect to it. I don't know if that makes any sense but I see games as an illusion, I think I am "in" the videogames world, or I become that character kind of, When In reality I am staring at a screen, sitting down, and pressing buttons being stagnant. I have been stagnant for too long. so yeah, theres a sort of rant that fills you in on where I am at today,

Days 5 and 6 5 Was a busy day at massage school, Learned a lot about myself, There is a lot of growth ahead me, Things I need to let go in particular. Its easier to notice these things when I am not looking forward to gaming or its easier to look within without the gaming illusion going on. Day 6 Is going pretty well, Will probably go on a run or walk my dogs. Its such a beautiful day outside. I will definitely do some qigong in nature today. I'll be studying massage today and rehearsing music for a gig I have on Saturday, Haven't sold the console yet but I think thats what I want to do. My dad will probably say no and keep the ps4 cause it is actually his, tho he never plays it, The xbox one and Nintendo switch I would be able to sell.

Day 3 Just came back from Massage School, I aced my anatomy quiz 37/37 points thanks to cramming 20 minutes of studying the day before. Im thinking that I would be a much better student if I spent my time studying and reading instead of gaming, So I want to give that a shot and see how that goes, I will study every night a for awhile instead of cramming at the end. I am also thinking about selling my consoles, to purchase a massage table for massage school. I told my parents about it and they think that that move is foolish, so its a complicated situation. I think that they think that I am going through a phase of some sort, I am just trying to break my old patterns and make a change, My therapist is curious to see which way I will lean. Don't know which way to lean yet... I feel like the adult and risky move would be to sell the consoles, Keeping the consoles leaves me in the same spot I have been 2 years in a row, having game binges and then periods of rest then back to gaming. I still play boardgames with friends and go out to see movies so I think my entertainment will be okay. I know I have a tendency to go on autopilot at my house when I have free time. Autopilot as In go downstairs and game away while not even thinking about it. Luckily I was able to catch myself at the top of the stairs. "Whoa that was weird". I thought, it was automatic. but I was able to derail it, That was my first urge since I started. Good thing I caught that urge red handed and dealt with it with some "I won't Power". (I am learning about the different kinds of willpower, according to the book The Willpower Instinct). Now I think I will relax, study for a while, play some music, and maybe meditate some , Get ready for massage school tomorrow

The Willpower Instinct by Kelly McGonigal Heard it was a great book for self-control and willpower. I picked it up today at the library and will check it out sometime this week instead of gaming.

Thats encouraging to hear that you feel that you are stronger because of it, I think I am beginning to feel that and I feel like I am always on my tip toes around leaders now and like you say run the other way, Im trying not to get too political or spiritual for these forums but I think I needed to rephrase what I meant in my post about, "I am interested healing my spirit feel free to give me any ideas " I would appreciate these ideas in a private message instead of posting here just to keep things tidy and keep my journal and journal and less of a spiritual discussion board. Thanks for reaching out to me tho karabas, I will send ya a private message :)

Wow thats a massive step, giving the gaming pc away. Thats amazing that you were happy to see it go. also Thanks for the advice you shared with me last night it was cool to connect with ya a bit. Looks like we both want to meditate, looking forward to talking with you about it.

Day 2. Last night I told my parents about Game Quitters and the commitment I was making, That was a weird conversation, but they seem supportive and glad. My favorite quote of all time at the moment is... All the answers are within. Throughout my life I have been looking for answers externally and I have never really payed any attention to my inner intuition. Its hard to see whats inside when your mind gets cloudy. Videogames for me was like a state of hypnosis or almost like auto pilot, I was going through the motions not really using my mind, Games I played were usually tense and quick, I would be on the edge of my seat many many times, seeking that dopamine reaction. that feeling of an epic win, always chasing it. and feeling bad when I lose or just adjusted to winning and seeking a new 60 dollar dopamine game. Its an pretty bad cycle, Its pretty much impossible to hear whats going on inside of you when you are glued to your seat playing videogames. Its like playing videogames and then when you turn it all off you realized you are hungry. You didn't think of eating food while playing videogames cause your mind was sorta clouded. What is your body telling you? What is your mind telling you? Think about what you are thinking about. What is your spirit telling you? ( I have no Idea, I am a beginner haha, this is just what I have been thinking about lately) Today I want to start planning my days ahead of time which will help me stay busy instead of procrastinate. To do : Morning Qigong, Study for exam and catch up on reading for massage school, Therapy, More Studying I will most likely be incorporating some music breaks and possibly a game quitters podcast break. Give meditation a shot again. ( I didn't do it yesterday cause I was procrastinating a lot.) Qigong class Then relax and pack for school tomorrow I noticed yesterday That I was browsing the Internet on my phone instead of playing games. I was browsing boardgames and card games, Just seeing whats out there. I used to do this with video games, Gonna try to not browse as much and focus on my studies, music, family, and ted talk kind of stuff on youtube, I will also be hopping on the game quitters discord every once in a while Thinking about wheter or not I am going to journal in the morning or a night here on this forum While I was taking a shower I had a really awesome thought. What can I do today to heal my Mind, Body, and Spirit, and How can I prepare for my future today? Body: Workout a bit, since I am getting back into it I won't go super hard. Mind: Meditate, Read Spirit: Qigong, and Im not really sure what else could help with this but if anyone has any ideas feel free to let me know hehe, I tried the whole church thing out and it didn't really work for me, Too put a long rough story extremely short... I have been spiritually wounded by a manipulative person a few years ago which left a scar on my heart and beliefs, but I want to see if I can let all that junk go or learn how to cope with it. I used to be very close-minded and judgmental thanks to what that person lead me to believe, but now I am extremely openminded and I think for myself and respect other peoples beliefs and Ideas instead of listening and following whatever I hear, No more external motivation, Everything needs to come inward. Therapy is today so that will be awesome :) Prepare? Study for tests and catch up on the reading for massage school

Day 1 Its funny how watching late night ted talks when you feel bad about yourself can really help turn your life around, One minute I was browsing overwatch and monster hunter video's the next moment I realize this is all have been doing since Highschool, and im in my mid twenties now. So glad I found this website and watched that ted talk. Now I am here ready to make a change. Mental Illness and video games can be a candle in a dynamite shed, that was my experience at least. I was playing overwatch late and night and everything started to fall apart mentally. Its funny because the character I connected with the most in overwatch was Junkrat. Im pretty sure Junkrat has a mental illness goin on with his character design which is why I found him so relate-able, I don't know what happened after that but I end up in a psych ward again, Thinking I was a junkrat, and could switch to any overwatch hero, I thought I was apart of the overwatch. Don't get me wrong this isn't a hate journal, I guess its venting right now, I think Overwatch is a great and successful game, it can be addictive at times, and Its not responsible for screwing up my life, it was me who didn't play responsibly, who stayed up late. after leaving the psych ward I am back at my parents house in my mothers basement, again, playing video games, You'd think Id learn, not for awhile. it happened again, This time I was playing battle born, copious amounts of it, and I wanted to be Melka ( a character that is sorta like junkrat,). then after new meds and leaving that place we talk about coping. I thought I can cope with videogames I have been coping with video games,and when I sleep at night I dream of video games, specifically overwatch, which scares me a bit. Used to dream about christian stuff, now I dream about video games, I just want to not be addictied to anything.... Thankfully, I see a therapist and psychologist often which helps me out immensely. I am also on great medication with minimal side effects, I join massage school recently, haven't studied yet because I have been gaming. Today is study day and it is also day 1 of my journey, My goals, Quit Gaming become a Licensed Massage therapist Study more To go back to my college weight before all the mental stuff fell apart, So working out and watching what I eat. To read at least 3 books a year ( starting small) Meet new people and reach out when I need to. Practice Qigong every day Meditate Looking forward to staring over again and meeting people on this awesome website :) Edit: Forgot to say I was quitting gaming on my goal list x)

Thanks for the welcome, I joined the discord and look forward to meeting people on the road to recovery.

Hi, All my life I have been gaming, its how I hang out with my cousins. I am in my late twenties now, been gaming so much, I also have mental health issues and I have been using video games to cope with it ,which sounds like a good thing but its really just an addiction. Mental health and video games just do noootttt mix well. It was so bad, I thought I was junkrat in overwatch, 2 psych wards later now I am back to the real me. I've been on a rough road. but I know my story can help someone one day. therapy has been a wonderful thing for me and I will keep going and keep taking the medication. Theres got to be more than life then waiting for release dates and working to pay for video games. I want to make a change in my life, I already started actually, Im in school right now for massage therapy, but I haven't studied yet cause I have been gaming... gaming.. ugh. I am normally a funny guy who is really relaxed but gaming is making me someone I don't want to be. I want to change. I should of stopped playing after the psych wards, but It was like I was glued to it, In the spych ward I was thinking about videogames, like when I come home I need to play this one. I joined the discord, looking for some friends who are on a similar path, my discord name is Gellin22, I just found out about this website, which is why my typing aint so good right now cause im so tired its late.