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Read: A Guide to Quit Gaming for One Year

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Day 1

The Return

Well, I thought myself above video games, but I have rather proven myself unable to overcome them. After returning to video games last week, I have felt myself overall less adventurous and willing to take up my own hopes. This time, I have fewer goals, as last time, I was caught up in a rather intense fervor for many things. I may add more goals, but for the moment, I hope to play at least 45 minutes - 1 hour of music in some capacity (besides simple listening). I still hope to go to bed at 9:00 each night. I am pondering which active undertaking I shall yet take part in, but at the moment I am on the school track team and will continue to do so until next season, when I hope to have worked out my next exercise. At the moment I hope to dance. Other than that, I want to re-focus much of my time into studying. I shall perhaps spend a small amount of time each weekend working on my card game. Otherwise I would spend my free time watching YouTube and perhaps drawing.

In case you have been uninformed by my first post, I have been here before. I went without video games for about a month when I came and went few days on this journal before going back to video games. This time I hope, once more, to have my decision to be permanent, for I have many interests which do not include messing around in someone else's utopia for hours on end.

Short background:

I started video games on the Nintendo DS at about the age of 7. The purpose was at first to give me a hobby for the long plane ride from the U.S. to Spain, and I began playing the two games Mariokart DS and Animal Crossing: Wild World. I explored more games and eventually gravitated more to PC gaming, as I felt the PC to be a more worthy console with a keyboard and mouse than the few buttons on a console. At the time of quitting at during my relapse, my favorite game was Team Fortress 2. I actually misspoke when I first said I had played for 2250 hours, and it is closer to 2150 hours total. I decided to quit because every idealistic re-imagination of my future is devoid of video games. I am unsure about how to drive home this decision, but I am considering adding to my little document written in a passive-aggressive style to myself known only as Mission Control. I'm a weird kinda kid, and I'm not sure of very much about myself except my gender and interest in piano and possibly neuroscience.

A few facts:

I have played piano for about 9.5 years and hope to do it for a job

I'm kinda retro, and I think that my life would be better off without some forms of technology

I'm also interested in neuroscience and considering going to a boarding school in order to pursue it

I lifeguard part-time

 

I figured I may as well just journal for today. As I said, I have track, and today was a meet. I did terribly, since I'm like 5'5" being generous and throw shot. The meet pretty much wasted my entire day, and I didn't get to study or work on anything except for a half-hour video which was due yesterday (I was planning on doing it at 5 this morning but I overslept). I made the decision last night to quit again, and this morning I carried through on my decision and uninstalled Steam after going back and forth on the issue for a few days now. I was very close to going back to being up all night. I'm gonna get to bed late tonight, mostly due to the horrible combination of events from today. I still hope to wake at 5 and certainly hope for tomorrow to be better.

It's good to be back!

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it's good to have you back! Surely you will make even bigger progress this time - you are more experienced now.
Good luck on your journey!

Greetings, Piotr.

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Day 2

The Drainining

Man track is draining away my time. I was doing great today, I even managed to check out a book on neuroscience and read it for a little while. Of course, that was before I had to go to track, and words can just not describe how tired I am now. I just want to watch YouTube until I go to sleep, but I haven't done any work with music, and I really want that change to stick most of all. I really want to quit track, because I'm not good at it and I'm not going to be since I'm a pretty short kid and I don't really care if that changes any time soon. I would rather go back to dance, which felt like another way I could express myself, too. At the very least, the little cold spell my area was having is over and it feels rather warmer outside again. I kinda want to turn my little corner with my desktop into a little lounging corner with a ton of bean bags. but I don't have anything I could use for that except for a ton of sheets and pillows. I guess I could use those for a time, but I'm also not sure if I want to put my desktop away or just put it along a different wall, or maybe even make my desk like a peninsula, just sticking out of the wall. I'm thinking I might do try to get that done today and then set up my corner for my music (obviously I can't play piano in there, but...). The funny thing is that while I keep thinking to myself "I should just go re-install Steam and play some more TF2", I don't even really want to play in my heart.

Regardless of that, I have a few things I need to get done for school and I'm hoping to read some more of that book on neuroscience. I'm hoping to finish it by the end of the week.

Signing out,

J(e)RK

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Day 3

The day when I realize that I'm not nearly creative enough to name each day

Today I ended up wasting a lot of time playing MTG online. I feel really bad about it, and I think I need to quit the online game. I would prefer to spend a bit more time working on my card game. I don't even enjoy MTG all that much anymore, except for the limited events. I just really wish there was something serious I could do with a team of some sort. Unfortunately, nobody else my age is all that interested in really anything. Except for sports. And I'm really not the hugest fan of sports, save for dancing.

Anyway, I spent a bit of time working on my card game and managed to balance it a little bit better. It still needs work, but it felt much better and closer to being fair, which is obviously the point.

I suppose I shouldn't think like this so much, but if I could have 1 wish granted right now, it would be a team to help me work on my card game. They would not only help me research and develop, but also keep me honest.

Anyway, I also got a chair for my new veg corner and am feeling good about the book. Unfortunately I haven't spent a whole lot of time on music today, but I played a rudimentary beat on the ukulele while watching some YouTube from my new chair.

Signing out,

J(e)RK

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Day 4

Time sure flies

Man, it seemed like it would be much more daunting to quit again. I guess I really just forgot the reason why I quit in the first place. Truth be told, I felt kinda guilty when I first went back on happy wheels.

Anyway, I'm journaling early today because I'm going to work at 11, until 3:30, then returning home temporarily until about 6 when I have to go to a party until 10 tonight. Not sure how things will go, but I'm excited.

Signing out,

J(e)RK

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Thanks for joining the forums and if its any consolation to you I m having a hard time finding events to do in my area my age too.

The second thing I think you should speak positively about yourself think of the good it does for you, think of what you want to accomplish but take one step at a time and you get there. 

So first start writing positive stuff and let us know if you need help. 

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Day 5

@zeke365 I think that's good advice, I just don't want to settle for a version of myself which I may develop an aversion to. I mean, I used to think about myself that way, and look at where that got me? I don't mean to offend anybody, but it scored me a spot right here in a forum of reforming addicts, of which I am one. So sorry if it seems to me like sometimes things just aren't as good as they could be. Really, I still haven't made it to where I feel like I should be. Writing positive stuff is, no doubt, important, but it also has to be well timed. You wouldn't housebreak a dog by praising them whenever they soiled the carpet, but rather punish them. Unfortunately, my conscious is the pet owner and my unconscious is the dog to be housebroken.

On a different note, I actually had an uncharacteristically large amount of fun at last night's party. At first I was kinda awkward, but by the end I felt I was having a good time and I feel that it was an important experience for me to have. As much as I hate to say it, right now might be a better time in my life to connect with other people as opposed to becoming very good at things. I mean, any two skilled socialites can get along, but two anti-socials go together like two negative charges; It doesn't work. I think I'm just scared of who I become in social events, because I appreciate being in control of myself, but social settings typically take that away from me. But now I have to decide if I want to find out who I get along with and how I connect to others (besides music, because being able to play a piece for someone and then being unable to talk to them seems like a problem) in a social setting, and I think that will, in turn, help me figure out who I am in regards to others. I mean, I'll always be a mess to myself, but apparently I have some talents, because even last night, I ended up having at least a few moments of glory when I moon-walked (the Michael Jackson dance move) across the very small dance floor.

Anyway, I did little else yesterday except for play piano. As for today, I seem to have gotten stuck in an inactivity loop. I almost got out of it, but I think I'm gonna need to get it out of my system today and hope to get some stuff done tomorrow. All I've finished today is my application for the boarding school, and I drew a picture with very little detail.

Man, I want to start like half of these sentences with the same word.

Signing out,

J(e)RK

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Oh man, today has been a roller-coaster  . . .

I was working on writing up a semi-detailed list of things I considered a problem about myself for about 20 minutes, when suddenly it hit me; that IS the current problem with me. I am unable to be satisfied with what I currently am and thus end up wasting a lot of time trying to correct that which is not an issue. I have now, and hopefully never will, be truly interested in video games as anything beyond wasting time. I wish currently to devote myself to my schoolwork and work on at least maintaining my musical ability. And if that doesn't work, then there was clearly a reason. Maybe I'll analyse it and make the correct change. Regardless of any of that, I know that whatever it is, I can do it, because those are my abilities. Sure there will be ups and downs, but I'll be damned if I'm going to sit around making a list of my own issues for a bunch of people who don't really care.

So, to summarize, I want to refocus. There are four major areas that I want to work with:

My overall esteem. I need to work with it. I am hoping to work on my physical appearance, probably by lifting weights, eating better, etc. and from there I imagine I can work on my comfort in other areas. Being humble is for the unskilled.

My musical ability. I have continually been adamant about wanting to get to a place where I can record a full cover song, complete with piano, vocals, drums, and guitar, at the very least. From there I will decide what my next musical goal is.

My education. I want to be able to confidently get A's in all my classes, whether that takes studying more, asking the teacher for help, or just doing the work, that's what I'm gonna do. Any questions?

My relaxation. Whether I believe so or not, there is nothing to be ashamed of in regards to wanting to relax a little bit. I have a corner where I can sit around and read, or watch YouTube videos, or anything else one can do comfortably sitting in a chair. I feel that, oddly enough, this is the area which is going to be the hardest to work with.

 

Hopefully I can prepare myself going forward and work on these areas in particular. Of course, I have a lot of work to do, but all I need is a one-track mind for the time being.

Signing out,

J(e)RK

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21 hours ago, J(e)RK said:

I am unable to be satisfied with what I currently am and thus end up wasting a lot of time trying to correct that which is not an issue.

Ahhhh yes, I have been there too. Learning self-acceptance and self-love has been a gamechanger for me. Brené Brown's book Daring Greatly helped me a lot with this. 

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After I read your entry's i got the feeling that a meditation practice could help you a lot. It will be hard to sit and do nothing for you. This will focus you. Give it a try with headspace.com or something similar. I think especially for those with an overachiever tendency this can help put things into perspective.

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Day Something and a half

@WorkInProgress: Thanks a ton for the recommendation! I gave it a shot really quickly today and I think I should be able to spend a bit of time from my morning each day just meditating. It was actually rather enjoyable, although it did seem much longer than 3 minutes!

@Cam Adair: I will be sure to check out that out, I have a free book on Audible and it seems rather enjoyable to listen to for a while.

In personal news: I have just created a personal workout which features workouts on Monday, Wednesday, Friday, and Saturday. I also have track, so it isn't like I won't be doing anything on the off-days, but it is what it is. So far as my 4 areas are concerned:

Esteem: As I mentioned, I created a workout. I am also beginning to come to terms with things as they are, and not as they hypothetically could be. Simple Programmer (the YouTuber/website) has helped a ton in this process. I have also managed to keep myself to just 3 meals a day for the most part. Also, just to brag on myself, I did a grand total of 100 push-ups, 100 squats with weights, 2 minutes and 30 seconds of plank, 10 pull-ups, and 100 single-leg kettlebell deadlifts (total, not per leg).

Music: I am currently working on figuring out which song I want to play first. I guess I have to start somewhere, right?

Education: I still have plenty of homework to do, but all my recent tests and quizzes have been coming up A's. Unfortunately, today it snowed, and where I live, if there are as many as 3 snowflakes, school gets canceled, so I guess that's some spare time to study and get ahead on homework.

Relaxation: I have been watching an ample amount of YouTube, if that can even be considered a goal. In all seriousness, I feel as though I have been much more relaxed when I stay away from video games, as they just frustrate me more often than not. Most recently, I have been frustrated with online Magic: the Gathering, so I am going to quit them and just watch YouTube videos on it instead, maybe make a few rogue brews and submit them to YouTubers.

Edited by J(e)RK
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Day 0.5

I am afraid I have relapsed. Again. To what should be nobody's surprise. I spent a bit of time today playing video games, but it all felt, quite frankly, blah. I didn't feel happy, that much is certain. I am attempting to restart today and I really just want to be finished with video games once and for all. I am unsure of entirely how at the moment, however. I find it rather mind-boggling that I could quit for a month, even over Christmas break, and all in a few stupid minutes of playing Happy Wheels it's all gone. Now I'm not sure of how I even made it that far. Perhaps the issue is that I feel like now I have to make it that long to be making any progress, and back then I was just going day to day, not "oh this isn't sustainable for a month", and that's what I should be like now. Seems like a solid plan.

In the daily achievements section:

Esteem: Today was an off-day in my workout. I won't lie, I was planning on looking up some stuff on basic nutrition and diets, but I kinda didn't do it. Oops. I did manage to stick to only breakfast, lunch, and dinner, but I did kinda eat two breakfasts. I also tried to think positively.

Music: I have decided on the song I wish to pursue. I doubt too many people are familiar with it, but it's called Float On, by Modest Mouse. I remember actually disliking the song when I first heard it, and the version I have written down is a full step lower than the recording. I worked on the song briefly on piano and went through it once doing the singing parts, but I still didn't touch the guitar or drum parts.

Education: I got some homework done today and finished up a few note cards. Today was another "snow day", so we didn't have school again, and it has already been canceled for tomorrow. I really want to try and get a bit of work done on a presentation due in February and really knock this one out of the park.

Relaxation: Today I splurged into video games, and I feel rather ashamed. I feel more tense than yesterday, and I know that I really fell down on this one today. I think I am going to add meditation as one of my relaxation goals, however, and I completed another 3 minute meditation today. I imagine it's going to ramp up rather quickly soon.

Signing out,

J(e)RK

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Hey there. We all relapsed at some  (or several points) while quitting. The changes are all ready happening to you. You see that it isn't really a relaxing activity to play videogames (or atleas tit wasn't for me). It is more something really engaging to surpress anxiety. A thing you could ask yourself is if you really need more relaxation or just a better pruprose for what you are doing. I personally always though I need jsut to relax after a few hours of work. But lately I started a new job and have a newborn son and I am happy doing active things most of my time wiht no real breaks (besides commute and time with my son, where I have to keep him happy ;). If I do a lot of things just because we should do them or because we want to reach some unclear goal which doesn't really mean a lot to us it hard to sustain motivation. I get bored and feel sluggish. This goes away if I feel like I am progressing in things which are important to me. I am getting better at my new job, I am getting better at helping my wife and son, I am getting better at beeing productive. These things are important to me and for my self esteem and I think about how I can do even better every day. This keeps me motivated and focussed.

You will have other priorities but make them clear towards yourself. If you know where you're aiming at (even if this changes over time) it will get easier. I don'T mean the end of the detox but more generally in life. What do you want? What makes you feel good about yourself? How does your dream life look like? It is ok if it isn't socially correct or would make your parents blush because you want jsut to have sex with beautiful women all the time. It is ok if it is  alittle vain because you'll want to have status, be rich and famous. Just realize what you really want with out judging it. Then your priorities will fall in place over time.

Here is an article about that theme: https://markmanson.net/life-purpose

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Day 2

Today I decided to attempt to answer a very hard question about who I want to be going forward. It seems to me as if meditation is attempting to keep me focused in, and while that certainly is a great thing, I'm not sure that that is where I want to be. To make slightly more clear what I am trying to do, the video prior to today's meditation on headspace was talking about how thoughts are kinda like cars and you shouldn't bother to run after them because otherwise you'll just be tired. It felt very right at the moment, but as I have thought about it more, I realize that I perhaps want to allow myself to "run after the cars". I like being creative, and somewhat without boundaries. Perhaps I am mistaken about what the meditation is going to do for me, but it almost seems to me as if it is going to take away the whimsical part of me that I have gotten so attached to. Or maybe I should just give it up anyway. The point is, I guess, I'm not so sure that it's for me. Who knows, maybe it would take away this awful existentialism and paranoia I have at all times. Wouldn't that be great. I would absolutely appreciate any advice anybody could give me in this regard.

As far as my goals,

Esteem: Today I spent a tad bit of time looking at dieting advice (it didn't really help all that much), but primarily I did another workout. Tomorrow I'm supposed to run a 5k, so hopefully that will go well.

Music: I continued to practice my song on piano and practiced a few other songs on piano. Perhaps eventually I can bring myself to go work on the drums, which I should really go do sometime. I've never before been particularly good at forcing myself to practice drums.

Education: I did very little today in the way of education. I mean, today was also a snow day, so I kinda didn't feel like doing very much, but I think I might be going a bit overboard on the relaxation. I think that maybe once I get started in that way it'll become a ton easier.

Relaxation: I think I may need to lay off this a bit. I feel kinda relaxed, but I think my random hobbies are getting a bit too far into the way of other things and making me worry more. I managed to study pretty consistently for a few days and I felt a ton better than I do now, and I spent most of today watching YouTube. Ah well, baby steps.

Signing off,

J(e)RK

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Day 3-4

Okay, I forgot to do a journal yesterday. That's okay. I didn't play video games or anything, and I'm still on track. Just got a little wrapped up reading some comedic MTG articles and stayed up a bit too late before realizing that I hadn't done my daily journal. That being said, I also had to work yesterday, and if there's one thing to force you to reflect on your life decisions, it's lifeguarding. That job is mind-numbingly boring. Regardless of that, yesterday wasn't a terrible day. It wasn't particularly superb, but we all have those days sometimes. I'm not even disappointed. I didn't do a ton as far as my goals are, I did 

So far as today, I'll admit, I thought I was further than day 4. I guess I did a few important journal entries back when I was still playing a few casual and browser games. Either way, it doesn't really matter how far I've come, since after all, it's not like I can change it. I'm looking forward to the day when I can say that it's been a week or two weeks again, and until then, I'm going to keep living in the day. Think about what cool stuff I can learn to do.

I think one of the things I've never really tackled that I really want to talk about is how my viewpoint has changed over the last few years. I remember a time when I used to look up to my dad, since it seemed to me like he did a ton of work. He works a pretty classic 8-5 job being an occupational therapist, he does some "independent contracting", if you can call it that, for another company after that, then he comes home and sometimes he works on the cars, sometimes on the TV, basically on whatever needs attention. Then he, if necessary, makes dinner, eats dinner, watches some TV (not always in that order), and goes to bed. He also gets up early and works out, so there's that too. I remember "way back when" in the days when I spent like all my free time playing video games, I used to question how exactly he did it. I guess to this day, I don't know specifically how he does it, but I know how I can do it. And I am, in certain ways, attempting to do it. I go to school from 8-5, come home, study and do homework, eat dinner, practice piano (not always in that order), and go to bed. Wake up early, meditate, work out, take a shower, and get ready for school to start the cycle over again. I like it. I know at the moment I'm just kinda going through the motions and I'm not entirely sure of myself, but I'm doing it. And that's the important part.

Anyway, time to tackle the daily goals (and yesterday's too, I guess):

Yesterday:

Esteem: I didn't do much of anything. Given, I still stuck to my 3 meal plan, but yesterday was odd because I had work from 11 until 4, and I didn't  eat lunch in that time, so I had a later lunch and dinner than usual. I still stuck to 3 meals, but it may not be the best plan going forward, is all.

Music: Again, not a thing. I guess I kinda sang to myself a bit while I was at work, but unless I'm grasping at straws, nothing much really. 

Education: I actually did some homework. I realized that I had an assignment due at 5 (P.M.) which I hadn't even realized I had, and I knocked that out. Otherwise I just did a bit of the other homework I had floating around and studied my English vocabulary a bit.

Relaxation: I watched plenty of YouTube, if, again, that can be considered the goal as far as this is concerned . . .

Today:

Esteem: I did a workout today, stuck to my 3 meal plan (no desserts today, either!) and that was pretty much it. I also made my workout harder, so, once again, for the sole purpose of bragging, I did: 125 Push-ups, 125 Squats with weight, 150 (Total) single leg kettle bell dead lifts, 200 seconds of plank, and 20 chin-ups. Given, all of these were done in sequence 5 times, which is to say that each set consisted of 25 squats with weight, 30 Total single leg kettle bell dead lifts, 25 push-ups, 4 chip-ups, and 40 seconds of plank, with a 30 second break between sets.

Music: It's about 5:40, so I'm preparing to go practice for an hour or so on the piano. Maybe I'll do a bit of voice as well, and maybe I'll actually sit down at my drum set again. It has been a while.

Education: I finished up my homework for weekend, studied a tad more, and pretty much left it at that.

Relaxation: Today I've actually been getting a lot of stuff done, and I feel good about that. Rather than going to YouTube between everything and staying there, I decided to read a book (or listen to one on Audible), or just keep going. It wasn't so hard after all. So I think I want to re-structure the idea of the relaxation goal a bit, where the idea is to make sure I'm managing it correctly, as opposed to just being sure I'm relaxed, which is really rather vague and an overall crap goal. So I'm gonna say, so far as a goal is concerned: Meditate before I do anything major each day, finish 1 book per week, and don't let YouTube get in the way of doing stuff.

 

Oh, and I made this cute little blog post kinda thing which I thought might help somebody. As well, it includes my real name, but I don't think that'll be a problem. There are clearly some other Jordan Korzelius model people out there. I typed it up in a Google Doc viewable to all.

here: https://docs.google.com/document/d/1lZJDfcj-1BfWQ0d9WDfQTJpMoL2EmU4peSgrG6Wq8YY/edit?usp=sharing

Signing out,

J(e)RK

Edited by J(e)RK
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Day 5

Ahh, the mythical day 5. I bet before I know it it will be day 10 and then day 15 and so on. But until then, today is simply day 5, and I should appreciate it for the day that it is.

Today wasn't an overall spectacular day. I enjoyed myself and tried out a new outfit, but it wasn't anything to write home about.

Esteem: I did a shorter workout today than at first anticipated. I still managed 3 reps, but I stopped after that, since it was the second workout in 14-ish hours, and I need a bit more time to rest. I'm not sure if my Monday, or maybe my Sunday, workout is just going to be easier or if doing my Sunday workout earlier will help, but only time will tell. For the moment, I'm fine with my overall progress. Today I also stuck to the 3 meal a day plan, and while I did manage to turn down a piece of cheesecake at lunch, I probably more than made up for it later with a bowl of vanilla ice cream and chocolate sprinkles.

Music: I'm gonna skip working on Float On today. I still take piano lessons (combined with organ lessons) every Monday, and after today's hour-long practice, I am ready to go to sleep without any other type of music.

Education: Nothing too tough today. I'm trying to implement a few new study habits. I have a pop quiz coming up sometime this month in AP Euro and I'm needing desperately to study for that. I also have English vocab quizzes to study for, a chemistry test coming up on this Friday and then another on the 31st, and just in general studying. I'm probably gonna leave most studying for tomorrow, but I have some stuff to do for tonight, and it is already getting late.

Relaxation: I managed to stave off any YouTube except for a bit of MTG content. I didn't get much free time today, but that's just Mondays in general for me. I think today was a good example of exactly how capable of going without too much relaxation, and I feel much more fulfilled with myself when I work a lot. I just need to make sure that I keep some time for just messing around.

 

As I stated on @BigOlBeartic's journal, I officially have no access to my old Steam account! Say goodbye to 52 games and a couple cents!

In all seriousness, though, I realized that I don't need the dang thing anymore, and since my primary way of getting back into video games was re-downloading the app and signing in, I figured that if I can't sign in anywhere, it should help me a ton. The next big issue for me is online games, specifically stuff like Happy Wheels. I didn't do any sort of writing today, but that seems to be blossoming into a very fun and fulfilling hobby, and I will be sure to post some more finished works on here!

Signing out,

J(e)RK

Edited by J(e)RK
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Its so cool that you know how to play piano well. I learned some basic songs and Birdy - Not About Angels on piano. I'm pretty sure its not a very complex song haha, I also really like Agnes Obel - Under Giant Trees. Definitely not classical stuff if thats what you're into, like I know a lot of piano enthusiasts are.

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@BigOlBeartic I play a little bit of everything, except for country music. I enjoyed taking a listen to those songs on YouTube, and I might try them out sometime.

 

Day 6

Oh boy, today has been another one of "those days". I had a really hard time keeping myself to my 3 meals, and I ate a bit too much for dinner today. I'm thinking about writing a bit more and then practicing some piano, but I'm not really sure. This is definitely one of those days where I just have to go through the motions, whether or not I want to.

To start off with, I woke up at my appointed time, 5. I barely woke up and was about to fall asleep when I realized that I really needed to get up. From there, I managed to meditate, although today's meditation felt a little weak, and then study quite a bit while listening to some music. I'm still trying to get to the point where I can use my mornings to listen to some audiobook or read a little bit, but I do have another workout tomorrow so I doubt it will be much better. One thing I'm noticing is that it really isn't that hard to just do things. Sometimes it's significantly easier than not doing anything, even. I did manage to give an extraordinary effort in school today, as well as my workout during track, even though we didn't finish it (through no fault of my own). Today is one of those days that I just want to go to sleep, so after playing through Float On a few times and finishing my homework, I'm probably just gonna go to bed.

Esteem: Oh boy, I was so eager to get to education that I started acting as if this was that. Today was an off day from the personal workouts, but I still had a pretty hard workout from track and continued to throw a bit. I managed to keep myself to 3 meals, and I was pretty good all day except for dinner. I think I was very close mentally to stopping myself. Today was a good day for willpower. One thing I've noticed is that I tend to hold myself to my eating habits at school, but that is where I typically feel the most pressure to play video games, since there's that social pressure.

Music: I'm just gonna play Float On a few times on piano before going to bed. Nothing too fancy today, I just ended up using a lot of time for fun and other stuff before I came downstairs to get my grind on.

Education: Today was actually superb so far as education is concerned. I did very well with my studying early in the morning, finished today's homework last night, and I felt like I aced all of my classwork and quizzes. Overall this was probably my strongest area today, and I felt a pretty strong drive to keep going while I was there.

Relaxation: I'm not feeling too relaxed today, but I think that was just because of how the day went. Once I kick this stupid cold I've got and get back into the grind of things, I'll feel much better and less tense. Also, I did poorly on my meditation today, and I think that affected me.

Signing out,

J(e)RK

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Go for it J(e)RK. You're inspiring the many of us around here. I think it's amazing you've realized at such a young age that video games are a path to unhappiness and wasted potential. You sound bright and ambitious from several posts here in your journal.

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Added float on to my playlist :D + wanted to say don't be too strict on yourself about the diet and don't beat yourself up if you stray outside them a little. I don't know if you have a coach who's advising you or anything, b/c that would be a different story. I do wanna say though don't feel bad if you have to eat snacks throughout the day in addition to your three meals especially b/c you're an athlete. When I used to run in high school I would eat breakfast lunch dinner + some protein bars throughout the day. Plus, eating small snacks when you're hungry will keep your metabolism up and in good shape!

Edited by BigOlBeartic
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Day 7

Today was actually really great. I had a track meet, and I threw a foot and an inch further than last week, which is amazing improvement for one week. I had joked about it last year, but if I do track again next year and keep up the workouts over the next year, I might actually be able to be pretty competitive, which is exciting. I managed to do reasonably well in school today and I have little homework left, since I already did half my math assignment, which isn't due until Friday anyway. I am considering starting on my group project due in a month, but I feel that I don't want to overwhelm myself with a ton of school. I think a day with no homework and normal track would be a fine day. Regardless, today was pretty productive.

Esteem: Today I did my workout as I was supposed to. I also had a track meet, as stated previously, although those aren't very taxing when you throw shot, since you just throw 3 times and typically all the work has been done prior. I kept to my 3 meal plan, and while I did have a lot of food for dinner, I think that was fine. Today was rather uneventful, except for having a meet, although those are every Wednesday. Although, I remember when a few weeks ago I absolutely hated track and everything involved, and wanted to quit. I tend to get like that when I suck at something, even though that's just the first step to becoming good at it. Nowadays I actually enjoy practice.

Music: Today I just practiced whatever for a little while. My arms and wrists are kinda tired, because some of these songs really take it out of me sometimes. I would like to work on my endurance going forward, as well. Maybe aim for practicing for like an hour or so straight? I think I could achieve that within a week or so, just as long as I have the time in the day.

Education: Today was actually pretty good here as well. I had a Spanish only day in my Spanish class, and that went well. It's always so weird afterwards, because I'm thinking about stuff, and then the next natural thought is how to say the prior thought in Spanish. Otherwise today was an ordinary day so far as education is concerned, which is actually becoming a very fulfilling experience. After learning some better ways to associate the things I have more trouble learning, I've learned that wordplay is incredibly helpful, as well as my tendency to see things for something familiar, as opposed to what they actually are.

Relaxation: Meditation today went a bit better than yesterday's. I'm thinking after I finish the free trial on Headspace I'll probably just move to timing myself for 3 minutes of meditation, and eventually move up. I would like to divide up my mornings as such: 10 Minutes of meditation (eventually), 30 minutes to a workout if I have one, otherwise 30 minutes towards reading, 10 minutes for a shower, and then 30 minutes for studying, with about 40 minutes of free time before I have to go eat and make lunch for school, as I have 2 hours. Overall, I feel like I'm becoming more active and more relaxed at the right times. Last night I was watching some of Simple Programmer's videos on "How to Become a Fucking Bulldog" and decided that I would like to live that way. I want to be a go-getter, and I'm willing to put a lot on the line in order to get there. I mean, worst comes to worst, I have to settle for slightly less success than I've dreamed of.

I've also thought of a way of identifying what I want to be. I've began calling myself "A Sound". By this, I essentially mean that my eventual goals all include piano and perhaps other instruments, and I want to be able to put so much of myself into playing them that I essentially become a sound, as opposed to a human being. Obviously, I have to operate as a human first, but once the basic physiological needs are met, so long as I'm safe and confident in myself, I'll be fine. I like to think of this sort of stuff through Maslow's Hierarchy of Needs, it helps a ton.

Signing out,

J(e)RK

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Day 8

Oh man, today was a horrible day. At first I felt pretty good, and was able to complete my morning tasks. Afterwards, after driving to school, I still felt pretty good. While I was at school, I suddenly had one of those moments where you just zone in and you notice something that totally needs to be done and you just do it. I mean, all I did was sweep my 1st period teacher's room, but it still felt good. The place was kinda a mess and really needed it. I found a ruler and like 5 colored pencils on the floor.

Aside from that, 1st period was really a smorgasbord of me not being heard. At first two people were arguing about whether negativity or positivity were correct, and regardless of any points I tried to make, the only thing that I ever really got in was about either letting life kick your ass or you kicking life's ass. Otherwise, I was ignored. This is typically common fare for me. People ignore me until I either do something unexpected (typically bad, but occasionally good) or force them to listen to me. I think this is why I made that persona for myself of being "A Sound", because it helps me get past that part of my life where I get ignored. Anyways, after that little argument right before school started, 1st period was a total mess for me, save for the map quiz I got a 100 on. After that, I had made plans for my group to get started on our project due in a month, and we were going to go to a room because we had "collab time", which is basically free time for procrastinating on your assignments. But the room I planned on going to, which for once we actually went to, was being used for a teacher meeting. I guess I felt a little bit shameful but I managed to move past it. We went to a different teacher's room and did a bit, but after that I just studied for other stuff. Then I had lunch, which was actually really great. I decided to go to the school dance this Saturday, so hopefully that will go well. After lunch, I had 2nd period, with a teacher I don't particularly care for (oh, and for anyone questioning what type of schedule this was, we only have our first 3 periods for 80 minutes each on Thursday and Friday) and that went about as well as it could have. I pretty much zoned out of the actual class and just doodled on a piece of paper with a friend instead. After that I had my arguably best period in 3rd where I aced another vocab quiz. With my free time I read some more of the book on neuroscience I checked out from the library near school, and after that we got to act out a few scenes in a play. I feel like it could have been better done, but group projects in school could always be better. After school, I had track which went pretty well, until after practice when I had another run-in with shame and pretty much since then my day has been shitty. I did go to get some sequins for the scarf I'm making for this Saturday and I also got a 20 pound kettle bell in order to work out better. After that, I got home, ate dinner, and went to go work on my scarf and, after spending like 30 minutes just putting bobby pins in it, I couldn't get my family's sewing machine to work. Once I got some help from my mom, I managed to sew one side up, but after that it got finicky and I didn't have time to mess with it. After that I just spent like 20 minutes talking with my family and then played a few piano pieces so as to say I did.

Esteem: At an all time low right now. I feel like I'm in the ditch. I did my dieting, and today was another off-day as far as workouts are concerned.

Music: I got hardly any time in today. nothing else to say. there's no redemption to be had.

Education: I went over this in depth already. Just go look at the huge ass paragraph prior to this.

Relaxation: I feel like garbage. I have a test next Monday and a test tomorrow and a bunch of other shit coming up, and I feel like I'm just about to die. I wonder what I could have done better?

I mean, I didn't game, but at this point in time, that's hardly an issue in my life. I feel like I'm wasting all of your time on the Game Quitters forum talking about how I have a sucky life because I made it awful. Maybe that person at school was right about life always sucking and that I need to get my head out of my ass.

Signing out,

J(e)RK

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Day 9

Just . . . fuck everything.

I've been trying for the last 2 hours to work on a new scarf for this weekend, with some fancy sequins on it so that way it will really pop. I only succeeded in getting some of the sequins on for the last half hour when I decided that I would just go to sleep and get to work on it right after meditation tomorrow. So basically, I'm already in the hole for the weekend. I guess today was okay, but overall, I just feel like garbage. I don't know if it's because of how hard I've been working, but both yesterday and today feel like I've basically broken down. I've been considering getting my ears pierced, and I was thinking that maybe that would help me out a bit so far as confidence is concerned. I've found that major physical changes make it easier to stick with major mental changes. As much as I really don't want to play video games, at this juncture, it almost feels like I have nothing else to do. Of course, that's a lie, but whatever.

Another consideration I've had was trying to focus in a lot more on my scarves, but that seems less and less feasible as time goes on. It's super time-consuming and after all of it I just feel like the product would have been better made in a factory than in my own home. I mean, maybe they are unique, but it's pretty much just in their poor quality. Whatever. I'm just digging a hole right now and really want to escape it. I've been really irritable and pissed the last few days, and I just don't know exactly who I'm supposed to be after all of this. I don't know how many people here have played Rummikub, but if you have, it feels to me like this phase in my life is like going for the hail mary in that game; I've re-arranged everything that was already there, but it's occurring to me that perhaps I should have thought this out better before trying to do it.

Esteem: You tell me. I really want to eat snacks, I feel like never doing another workout, or putting another iota of effort into my body and how it looks.

Music: What do today and the first day I was alive have in common? I achieved the same amount of musical furthering. Where they differ? The amount of work I've already put into music.

Education: What happens when you take a 33 and a 67? You get a really shitty periodic table joke.

Relaxation: Do I seem like I'm goddamned relaxed?

I still have to finish reading two books, a scarf, go to a dance tomorrow, work a shift where I'm probably going to get mind-fucked by my boss because now they're basically dropping dummy corpses into the pool to make sure I stay alert, finish writing a novel, practice a song on four different instruments 2 of which I don't play regularly and 1 of which is sick right now, and of course I also have to make my card game playable. Any questions? You in the back? Yes, of course this is the worst life imaginable. Am I going to stop? Hell to the no. Why not? That would be the same reason why I'm playing out a monologue as a dialogue on a stupid journal post that nobody is going to read: I have nothing better to do with my life.

Signing out,

crippling depression dude

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Life is hard, and the feeling of constantly failing to meet your expectations can really wittle you down. But the only real failure is refusing to try, and you are hellbent on pushing through, your not a failure, and you are not broken down. You can do this.   

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I know it's easy to put yourself down when you feel like you can do a better job on something and don't. Just keep your head up. Sometimes you just need a new day to start so you can improve upon what you did the day before. Not everything you do will be awesome the first few tries.

Edited by LogSin

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