Daily Mission: Meet someone new! Comment on one new journal today.

J(e)RK

The Return

14 posts in this topic

Day 1

The Return

Well, I thought myself above video games, but I have rather proven myself unable to overcome them. After returning to video games last week, I have felt myself overall less adventurous and willing to take up my own hopes. This time, I have fewer goals, as last time, I was caught up in a rather intense fervor for many things. I may add more goals, but for the moment, I hope to play at least 45 minutes - 1 hour of music in some capacity (besides simple listening). I still hope to go to bed at 9:00 each night. I am pondering which active undertaking I shall yet take part in, but at the moment I am on the school track team and will continue to do so until next season, when I hope to have worked out my next exercise. At the moment I hope to dance. Other than that, I want to re-focus much of my time into studying. I shall perhaps spend a small amount of time each weekend working on my card game. Otherwise I would spend my free time watching YouTube and perhaps drawing.

In case you have been uninformed by my first post, I have been here before. I went without video games for about a month when I came and went few days on this journal before going back to video games. This time I hope, once more, to have my decision to be permanent, for I have many interests which do not include messing around in someone else's utopia for hours on end.

Short background:

I started video games on the Nintendo DS at about the age of 7. The purpose was at first to give me a hobby for the long plane ride from the U.S. to Spain, and I began playing the two games Mariokart DS and Animal Crossing: Wild World. I explored more games and eventually gravitated more to PC gaming, as I felt the PC to be a more worthy console with a keyboard and mouse than the few buttons on a console. At the time of quitting at during my relapse, my favorite game was Team Fortress 2. I actually misspoke when I first said I had played for 2250 hours, and it is closer to 2150 hours total. I decided to quit because every idealistic re-imagination of my future is devoid of video games. I am unsure about how to drive home this decision, but I am considering adding to my little document written in a passive-aggressive style to myself known only as Mission Control. I'm a weird kinda kid, and I'm not sure of very much about myself except my gender and interest in piano and possibly neuroscience.

A few facts:

I have played piano for about 9.5 years and hope to do it for a job

I'm kinda retro, and I think that my life would be better off without some forms of technology

I'm also interested in neuroscience and considering going to a boarding school in order to pursue it

I lifeguard part-time

 

I figured I may as well just journal for today. As I said, I have track, and today was a meet. I did terribly, since I'm like 5'5" being generous and throw shot. The meet pretty much wasted my entire day, and I didn't get to study or work on anything except for a half-hour video which was due yesterday (I was planning on doing it at 5 this morning but I overslept). I made the decision last night to quit again, and this morning I carried through on my decision and uninstalled Steam after going back and forth on the issue for a few days now. I was very close to going back to being up all night. I'm gonna get to bed late tonight, mostly due to the horrible combination of events from today. I still hope to wake at 5 and certainly hope for tomorrow to be better.

It's good to be back!

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it's good to have you back! Surely you will make even bigger progress this time - you are more experienced now.
Good luck on your journey!

Greetings, Piotr.

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Day 2

The Drainining

Man track is draining away my time. I was doing great today, I even managed to check out a book on neuroscience and read it for a little while. Of course, that was before I had to go to track, and words can just not describe how tired I am now. I just want to watch YouTube until I go to sleep, but I haven't done any work with music, and I really want that change to stick most of all. I really want to quit track, because I'm not good at it and I'm not going to be since I'm a pretty short kid and I don't really care if that changes any time soon. I would rather go back to dance, which felt like another way I could express myself, too. At the very least, the little cold spell my area was having is over and it feels rather warmer outside again. I kinda want to turn my little corner with my desktop into a little lounging corner with a ton of bean bags. but I don't have anything I could use for that except for a ton of sheets and pillows. I guess I could use those for a time, but I'm also not sure if I want to put my desktop away or just put it along a different wall, or maybe even make my desk like a peninsula, just sticking out of the wall. I'm thinking I might do try to get that done today and then set up my corner for my music (obviously I can't play piano in there, but...). The funny thing is that while I keep thinking to myself "I should just go re-install Steam and play some more TF2", I don't even really want to play in my heart.

Regardless of that, I have a few things I need to get done for school and I'm hoping to read some more of that book on neuroscience. I'm hoping to finish it by the end of the week.

Signing out,

J(e)RK

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Day 3

The day when I realize that I'm not nearly creative enough to name each day

Today I ended up wasting a lot of time playing MTG online. I feel really bad about it, and I think I need to quit the online game. I would prefer to spend a bit more time working on my card game. I don't even enjoy MTG all that much anymore, except for the limited events. I just really wish there was something serious I could do with a team of some sort. Unfortunately, nobody else my age is all that interested in really anything. Except for sports. And I'm really not the hugest fan of sports, save for dancing.

Anyway, I spent a bit of time working on my card game and managed to balance it a little bit better. It still needs work, but it felt much better and closer to being fair, which is obviously the point.

I suppose I shouldn't think like this so much, but if I could have 1 wish granted right now, it would be a team to help me work on my card game. They would not only help me research and develop, but also keep me honest.

Anyway, I also got a chair for my new veg corner and am feeling good about the book. Unfortunately I haven't spent a whole lot of time on music today, but I played a rudimentary beat on the ukulele while watching some YouTube from my new chair.

Signing out,

J(e)RK

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Day 4

Time sure flies

Man, it seemed like it would be much more daunting to quit again. I guess I really just forgot the reason why I quit in the first place. Truth be told, I felt kinda guilty when I first went back on happy wheels.

Anyway, I'm journaling early today because I'm going to work at 11, until 3:30, then returning home temporarily until about 6 when I have to go to a party until 10 tonight. Not sure how things will go, but I'm excited.

Signing out,

J(e)RK

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Thanks for joining the forums and if its any consolation to you I m having a hard time finding events to do in my area my age too.

The second thing I think you should speak positively about yourself think of the good it does for you, think of what you want to accomplish but take one step at a time and you get there. 

So first start writing positive stuff and let us know if you need help. 

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Day 5

@zeke365 I think that's good advice, I just don't want to settle for a version of myself which I may develop an aversion to. I mean, I used to think about myself that way, and look at where that got me? I don't mean to offend anybody, but it scored me a spot right here in a forum of reforming addicts, of which I am one. So sorry if it seems to me like sometimes things just aren't as good as they could be. Really, I still haven't made it to where I feel like I should be. Writing positive stuff is, no doubt, important, but it also has to be well timed. You wouldn't housebreak a dog by praising them whenever they soiled the carpet, but rather punish them. Unfortunately, my conscious is the pet owner and my unconscious is the dog to be housebroken.

On a different note, I actually had an uncharacteristically large amount of fun at last night's party. At first I was kinda awkward, but by the end I felt I was having a good time and I feel that it was an important experience for me to have. As much as I hate to say it, right now might be a better time in my life to connect with other people as opposed to becoming very good at things. I mean, any two skilled socialites can get along, but two anti-socials go together like two negative charges; It doesn't work. I think I'm just scared of who I become in social events, because I appreciate being in control of myself, but social settings typically take that away from me. But now I have to decide if I want to find out who I get along with and how I connect to others (besides music, because being able to play a piece for someone and then being unable to talk to them seems like a problem) in a social setting, and I think that will, in turn, help me figure out who I am in regards to others. I mean, I'll always be a mess to myself, but apparently I have some talents, because even last night, I ended up having at least a few moments of glory when I moon-walked (the Michael Jackson dance move) across the very small dance floor.

Anyway, I did little else yesterday except for play piano. As for today, I seem to have gotten stuck in an inactivity loop. I almost got out of it, but I think I'm gonna need to get it out of my system today and hope to get some stuff done tomorrow. All I've finished today is my application for the boarding school, and I drew a picture with very little detail.

Man, I want to start like half of these sentences with the same word.

Signing out,

J(e)RK

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Oh man, today has been a roller-coaster  . . .

I was working on writing up a semi-detailed list of things I considered a problem about myself for about 20 minutes, when suddenly it hit me; that IS the current problem with me. I am unable to be satisfied with what I currently am and thus end up wasting a lot of time trying to correct that which is not an issue. I have now, and hopefully never will, be truly interested in video games as anything beyond wasting time. I wish currently to devote myself to my schoolwork and work on at least maintaining my musical ability. And if that doesn't work, then there was clearly a reason. Maybe I'll analyse it and make the correct change. Regardless of any of that, I know that whatever it is, I can do it, because those are my abilities. Sure there will be ups and downs, but I'll be damned if I'm going to sit around making a list of my own issues for a bunch of people who don't really care.

So, to summarize, I want to refocus. There are four major areas that I want to work with:

My overall esteem. I need to work with it. I am hoping to work on my physical appearance, probably by lifting weights, eating better, etc. and from there I imagine I can work on my comfort in other areas. Being humble is for the unskilled.

My musical ability. I have continually been adamant about wanting to get to a place where I can record a full cover song, complete with piano, vocals, drums, and guitar, at the very least. From there I will decide what my next musical goal is.

My education. I want to be able to confidently get A's in all my classes, whether that takes studying more, asking the teacher for help, or just doing the work, that's what I'm gonna do. Any questions?

My relaxation. Whether I believe so or not, there is nothing to be ashamed of in regards to wanting to relax a little bit. I have a corner where I can sit around and read, or watch YouTube videos, or anything else one can do comfortably sitting in a chair. I feel that, oddly enough, this is the area which is going to be the hardest to work with.

 

Hopefully I can prepare myself going forward and work on these areas in particular. Of course, I have a lot of work to do, but all I need is a one-track mind for the time being.

Signing out,

J(e)RK

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21 hours ago, J(e)RK said:

I am unable to be satisfied with what I currently am and thus end up wasting a lot of time trying to correct that which is not an issue.

Ahhhh yes, I have been there too. Learning self-acceptance and self-love has been a gamechanger for me. Brené Brown's book Daring Greatly helped me a lot with this. 

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After I read your entry's i got the feeling that a meditation practice could help you a lot. It will be hard to sit and do nothing for you. This will focus you. Give it a try with headspace.com or something similar. I think especially for those with an overachiever tendency this can help put things into perspective.

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Day Something and a half

@WorkInProgress: Thanks a ton for the recommendation! I gave it a shot really quickly today and I think I should be able to spend a bit of time from my morning each day just meditating. It was actually rather enjoyable, although it did seem much longer than 3 minutes!

@Cam Adair: I will be sure to check out that out, I have a free book on Audible and it seems rather enjoyable to listen to for a while.

In personal news: I have just created a personal workout which features workouts on Monday, Wednesday, Friday, and Saturday. I also have track, so it isn't like I won't be doing anything on the off-days, but it is what it is. So far as my 4 areas are concerned:

Esteem: As I mentioned, I created a workout. I am also beginning to come to terms with things as they are, and not as they hypothetically could be. Simple Programmer (the YouTuber/website) has helped a ton in this process. I have also managed to keep myself to just 3 meals a day for the most part. Also, just to brag on myself, I did a grand total of 100 push-ups, 100 squats with weights, 2 minutes and 30 seconds of plank, 10 pull-ups, and 100 single-leg kettlebell deadlifts (total, not per leg).

Music: I am currently working on figuring out which song I want to play first. I guess I have to start somewhere, right?

Education: I still have plenty of homework to do, but all my recent tests and quizzes have been coming up A's. Unfortunately, today it snowed, and where I live, if there are as many as 3 snowflakes, school gets canceled, so I guess that's some spare time to study and get ahead on homework.

Relaxation: I have been watching an ample amount of YouTube, if that can even be considered a goal. In all seriousness, I feel as though I have been much more relaxed when I stay away from video games, as they just frustrate me more often than not. Most recently, I have been frustrated with online Magic: the Gathering, so I am going to quit them and just watch YouTube videos on it instead, maybe make a few rogue brews and submit them to YouTubers.

Edited by J(e)RK
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Day 0.5

I am afraid I have relapsed. Again. To what should be nobody's surprise. I spent a bit of time today playing video games, but it all felt, quite frankly, blah. I didn't feel happy, that much is certain. I am attempting to restart today and I really just want to be finished with video games once and for all. I am unsure of entirely how at the moment, however. I find it rather mind-boggling that I could quit for a month, even over Christmas break, and all in a few stupid minutes of playing Happy Wheels it's all gone. Now I'm not sure of how I even made it that far. Perhaps the issue is that I feel like now I have to make it that long to be making any progress, and back then I was just going day to day, not "oh this isn't sustainable for a month", and that's what I should be like now. Seems like a solid plan.

In the daily achievements section:

Esteem: Today was an off-day in my workout. I won't lie, I was planning on looking up some stuff on basic nutrition and diets, but I kinda didn't do it. Oops. I did manage to stick to only breakfast, lunch, and dinner, but I did kinda eat two breakfasts. I also tried to think positively.

Music: I have decided on the song I wish to pursue. I doubt too many people are familiar with it, but it's called Float On, by Modest Mouse. I remember actually disliking the song when I first heard it, and the version I have written down is a full step lower than the recording. I worked on the song briefly on piano and went through it once doing the singing parts, but I still didn't touch the guitar or drum parts.

Education: I got some homework done today and finished up a few note cards. Today was another "snow day", so we didn't have school again, and it has already been canceled for tomorrow. I really want to try and get a bit of work done on a presentation due in February and really knock this one out of the park.

Relaxation: Today I splurged into video games, and I feel rather ashamed. I feel more tense than yesterday, and I know that I really fell down on this one today. I think I am going to add meditation as one of my relaxation goals, however, and I completed another 3 minute meditation today. I imagine it's going to ramp up rather quickly soon.

Signing out,

J(e)RK

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Hey there. We all relapsed at some  (or several points) while quitting. The changes are all ready happening to you. You see that it isn't really a relaxing activity to play videogames (or atleas tit wasn't for me). It is more something really engaging to surpress anxiety. A thing you could ask yourself is if you really need more relaxation or just a better pruprose for what you are doing. I personally always though I need jsut to relax after a few hours of work. But lately I started a new job and have a newborn son and I am happy doing active things most of my time wiht no real breaks (besides commute and time with my son, where I have to keep him happy ;). If I do a lot of things just because we should do them or because we want to reach some unclear goal which doesn't really mean a lot to us it hard to sustain motivation. I get bored and feel sluggish. This goes away if I feel like I am progressing in things which are important to me. I am getting better at my new job, I am getting better at helping my wife and son, I am getting better at beeing productive. These things are important to me and for my self esteem and I think about how I can do even better every day. This keeps me motivated and focussed.

You will have other priorities but make them clear towards yourself. If you know where you're aiming at (even if this changes over time) it will get easier. I don'T mean the end of the detox but more generally in life. What do you want? What makes you feel good about yourself? How does your dream life look like? It is ok if it isn't socially correct or would make your parents blush because you want jsut to have sex with beautiful women all the time. It is ok if it is  alittle vain because you'll want to have status, be rich and famous. Just realize what you really want with out judging it. Then your priorities will fall in place over time.

Here is an article about that theme: https://markmanson.net/life-purpose

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Day 2

Today I decided to attempt to answer a very hard question about who I want to be going forward. It seems to me as if meditation is attempting to keep me focused in, and while that certainly is a great thing, I'm not sure that that is where I want to be. To make slightly more clear what I am trying to do, the video prior to today's meditation on headspace was talking about how thoughts are kinda like cars and you shouldn't bother to run after them because otherwise you'll just be tired. It felt very right at the moment, but as I have thought about it more, I realize that I perhaps want to allow myself to "run after the cars". I like being creative, and somewhat without boundaries. Perhaps I am mistaken about what the meditation is going to do for me, but it almost seems to me as if it is going to take away the whimsical part of me that I have gotten so attached to. Or maybe I should just give it up anyway. The point is, I guess, I'm not so sure that it's for me. Who knows, maybe it would take away this awful existentialism and paranoia I have at all times. Wouldn't that be great. I would absolutely appreciate any advice anybody could give me in this regard.

As far as my goals,

Esteem: Today I spent a tad bit of time looking at dieting advice (it didn't really help all that much), but primarily I did another workout. Tomorrow I'm supposed to run a 5k, so hopefully that will go well.

Music: I continued to practice my song on piano and practiced a few other songs on piano. Perhaps eventually I can bring myself to go work on the drums, which I should really go do sometime. I've never before been particularly good at forcing myself to practice drums.

Education: I did very little today in the way of education. I mean, today was also a snow day, so I kinda didn't feel like doing very much, but I think I might be going a bit overboard on the relaxation. I think that maybe once I get started in that way it'll become a ton easier.

Relaxation: I think I may need to lay off this a bit. I feel kinda relaxed, but I think my random hobbies are getting a bit too far into the way of other things and making me worry more. I managed to study pretty consistently for a few days and I felt a ton better than I do now, and I spent most of today watching YouTube. Ah well, baby steps.

Signing off,

J(e)RK

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