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wookieshark88

My Journal - Joe

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Today has been a really sluggish day for me today.  I got everything done that I needed to do and had fun, but I just felt so weighed down.  The good thing is that I got myself a light box to help me out.  I sat in front of it for ten minutes and felt a little bit better for a while.  I got some full spectrum bulbs for my study, the living room, and my desk at work too.  Hopefully that will help with my winter blues.  I've been taking the vitamin D, exercising, eating well, and the rest of that too so hopefully things will go better.

I'm thankful for:

  1. My baby's first tooth.  I hope it stops hurting her soon.
  2. Talking to my parents today.
  3. My wife for making a nice macaroni and cheese today.
  4. Getting to relax.
  5. Being able to read for a while.
  6. Spending the day as a family.
  7. Getting closer to the winter solstice so the days can start getting longer again.
  8. Being able to get one day closer to my dreams.
  9. Having a wonderful family that helps me get through tough patches.
  10. Watching my baby grow up little by little.

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Today was a really normal day for me, but mentally it was rough again.  My focus level is not good, and I felt anxiety throughout the day.

There were some good things that happened today.  My baby was kneeling and playing with her toy!  I would just put her on her knees, and she was able to balance like that for a few minutes.  She looks so incredibly grown up when she's upright!  It was definitely the highlight of my day to be able to play with her for a little while before she went to bed.

I'm thankful for:

  1. My baby kneeling upright!
  2. Finally getting around to contacting my adviser about making a specific plan to finish my degree.
  3. Getting closer to the end of the semester.
  4. Getting some studying done during my lunch break.
  5. Having a warm and comfortable home.
  6. Having a nice cat to sit with me.
  7. Having a happy baby.
  8. Having a dinner that didn't take long to prepare.
  9. Listening to my audio book.
  10. My light box.

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Any idea what is causing anxiety for you? Have you been worrying about anything in particular? Do you notice your anxiety increases after you think about different subjects? It might be worth doing a status check - think about finances, health, the next 6 months, work, etc and see if your anxiety increases during any particular subject.

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My anxiety is just brought on by depression.  It typically starts with sluggishness, develops some sadness, then ends up with feelings of anxiousness.  I'll definitely do a status check to see if there's anything else.

Today was much better for me.  I had more energy throughout the day and felt pretty decent.  My focus was sharper than it has been for a while too.  Also, I got my natural light bulbs today!  I studied for two hours with this bulb and my light box on either side of me, and it felt really good!  I got a little lamp fixture for my desk at work so I can have a bulb there for as long as I need it.  I'm still waiting for my living room lamps with side reading lamps so I can hang out in the light on the couch.  I told my friend about my natural light bulbs, and he called me a lizard, haha.  I'm okay with being a lizard if it means I'm a happy lizard!  I'm doing my exercises, meditation, vitamin D, lights, and eating well.  I'm looking to destroy this seasonal drag on my life and kick butt all winter long!

I'm thankful for:

  1. My new light bulbs and light box.  They made a good difference for me today!
  2. Getting in touch with my adviser at school.  We're refining my plan to get my degree!
  3. Being much more productive at work today.  The last few days have been so sluggish.
  4. Getting closer to being caught up in class.  I have tomorrow off so I can make more progress!
  5. Having a lot of time to hang out with my baby tomorrow!  Once I'm done studying, we're going to party!
  6. Having a supportive wife who is understanding of my difficulties.
  7. No stomach discomfort at all today!  I have my doctor's appointment on Thursday so I hope I get to expand my menu.
  8. My baby for bringing me constant joy.
  9. Being able to take things one day at a time.  Slight Edge mentality is awesome.
  10. Having my most productive meditation session in quite a while.

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Today was a really good day!  I was able to sleep in a bit because I didn't have work today.  When I got up, I just got to play with my baby!  We had fun hanging out and laughing like we do.  Then my mother in law came over and let me get in a good four hours of studying surrounded by my natural light bulbs and box!  After that, my baby and I went to the educational toy store and had fun checking out everything they have there.  Of course we left the store with a new little toy for her!  What to you do when you get a new toy?  You go straight home and play with it!  That's what we did of course, haha.  We played more, and I got to assemble my new living room lamps!  I can light this place up really bright now for the times when I need it.  After I put my baby to bed, I started batch cooking roasted veggies and kielbasa which is what I'm doing now as a write in my journal.

I'm thankful for:

  1. Having an excellent day!
  2. Having a baby.  It means I have an excuse to go to the toy store!
  3. Natural light bulbs.  What a lifesaver.
  4. Batch cooking.  A one day effort makes lots of days to follow much easier.
  5. Having pets.  They add so much to a home.
  6. Being happy.  It makes all the difference in life.
  7. Reading.  It's such a nice way to relax.
  8. My baby bjorn.  I get to play kangaroo with my baby in public, haha.
  9. No stomach pains again!
  10. Being ready for my test tomorrow.

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Joe, I like your introductions. "Today was a xxx day". It sets the tone for the rest of your writings. It's a great technique, I think - you get your main point - your feeling about the day - off your chest first, then follow up with some details

Good luck with your test tomorrow!

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Joe, I like your introductions. "Today was a xxx day". It sets the tone for the rest of your writings. It's a great technique, I think - you get your main point - your feeling about the day - off your chest first, then follow up with some details

Good luck with your test tomorrow!

Thank you!  It wasn't intentional in the beginning, but I kept doing it consciously after a while.  It's a good tool for reflecting on my day, and that's part of why I journal!

Today was AWESOME!!!  My test went well, work was good, and playing with my baby was good too.  These are all reasons for a good day, but not the reason why today was awesome.  I went to the doctor today and she said that I could start easing back into a less restricted diet.  I had PIZZA...with TOMATO SAUCE!!!  It was so delicious.  I'm practically post coital right now, haha.  I'm just sitting here grinning like I lost my virginity.  Oh yeah, my cholesterol levels are now excellent.  That's a good thing too, but not as good as pizza.  Tomatoes, garlic, onions, peppers, green tea, split pea soup, citrus... these are some of my favorite things to eat, and I had been abstaining from them all for a month (except for the split pea soup which was its own unique disaster).  I met with my adviser today at school, and we're working on a game plan to get me graduated as soon as feasible which is great too.  I get to take an online class during the winter session which is awesome because it'll save me about 1500 miles on my car, allow me to work normal hours, and get me a little closer to graduation.  I mean it's not nearly as great as pizza, but it's still good.

I'm thankful for:

  1. PIZZA
  2. My wife for ordering the pizza.
  3. My baby for letting me cut her finger and toe nails without losing her composure.
  4. Good cholesterol levels.
  5. My adviser for really taking the time to work things out with me.
  6. PIZZA
  7. Getting some training at work today.  It feels good to learn, and I want to be great at my job.  I've never left a job without mastering it first.
  8. Finding out somebody I know in person practices meditation and journaling like I do.
  9. My lightbulbs.
  10. PIZZA!!!!

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Today was a decent day.  I went to work and started working on all my assignments.  Things just didn't go smoothly there as I just hit a bunch of walls all day long.  I was supposedly granted access to a program that I need to do my work.  It didn't work so I called support.  They referred me to a person who referred me to a person who referred me to a person...  On another task, I need support from a different group that didn't do their portion of the task correctly.  I called an emailed, but I got no response.  On a third task, I was trying to complete something that I'm learning for the first time, but my mentor took the task and just did it himself.  This left me shuffling my papers on my desk, clicking around on different screens, and surfing the net.  I felt so shitty, and my depression started to kick in.  I felt like people were talking about how lazy I am (they're not).  My focus just disintegrated at that point.  I felt so disgusted with my job, and I felt trapped and scared.  I kept it all inside because the last time I reached out for help in the workplace I ended up stigmatized in the workplace.  What upgrades this day to decent is the fact that it's Friday and I don't have to go back until Monday.

I'm thankful for:

  1. Feeling pretty good for the first half of the day.
  2. The baby smiles I've been getting since I got home.
  3. Being able to do some homework during my lunch break.  I always do this, but I never list it here.
  4. My headphones.  They helped me to block out some unnecessary stimulation.
  5. Having leftover pizza today.
  6. A cat on my lap to cheer me up.
  7. Getting my stair climbing in today.
  8. Having a journal to decompress.
  9. Having a plan to finish school and start working for myself.
  10. Being home.

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Today was really interesting.  I woke up today in a bad funk.  I could feel the anxiety and depression which is awful.  My wife was feeling it too because her job has been rough for her lately and she really loves Paris.  Because I'm getting pretty good at coping with these kinds of problems, I took charge.  We sat down on the couch and we just talked and made lists.  We made our grocery list, my to do list for the day, her to do list for the day, and a to do list for us to accomplish together.  We went for a nice long walk around the neighborhood together and just talked about how we felt, and it really helped us both.  She was awesome and got her list done.  I told her to make sure to cross things off the list and take a moment to feel good about it, and she did.  Of course I did the same.  I was feeling better, but then my mood sunk again for some unknown reason.  We went grocery shopping together and had fun like we always do, and my mood lifted again.  She made us a wonderful dinner while I meditated and did some laundry.  Now I'm here journaling which is on my to do list for the day.  I feel good right now, and I'm making sure to notice how I feel and be happy about it.  I'm really happy that I have learned how to deal with these rough patches in my life.

I'm thankful for:

  1. Getting my direct deposit set up to include my baby's college fund.  I want the best for her.
  2. The wonderful dinner that my wife made.
  3. Walking and talking with my wife.  Walking and talking is one of my favorite social activities.
  4. Having the tools that I need to get through my mental struggles.
  5. Fighting through cravings that I had for video games and cigarettes.  I don't need that crap.
  6. My baby saying "Dada".  It was so wonderful to hear it.
  7. Getting some homework done.  I need to keep on doing some every day.
  8. The natural light bulbs.  They really help.
  9. Having a good doctor.  That is such an important thing to have.
  10. Feeling really good right now.

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Today was much like yesterday in terms of my ups and downs.  I used all of my techniques and tools to make sure that we could all enjoy the day together as a family.  We had a good day together going to swim class then to a museum later in the day.  My baby had her ups and downs too because she's right in the middle of a growth spurt and her top teeth are getting close to coming out.  She enjoyed the museum, especially the exhibits that she could touch.

I'm thankful for:

  1. Bringing my baby to a museum.  I've been wanting to do this for a while.
  2. Working through my tough times to still have good days.
  3. The pork carnitas burritos that I'm making.
  4. My wife and I making a good team.
  5. Getting a late afternoon nap.  It helped out a lot.
  6. Mindfulness exercises.
  7. Completing everything that we set out to do this weekend.
  8. Being able to give my baby a good life.
  9. Getting close to the end of the semester.
  10. Having dreams.

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Your response to how you were feeling today is spot on. Big ups for that man. :)

That means a lot.  Thanks!  I don't want to be an example of giving up when things are hard to my baby.  I want her to know that adversity can just be a training ground for a successful life..

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Your response to how you were feeling today is spot on. Big ups for that man. :)

That means a lot.  Thanks!  I don't want to be an example of giving up when things are hard to my baby.  I want her to know that adversity can just be a training ground for a successful life..

100%

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Your response to how you were feeling today is spot on. Big ups for that man. :)

That means a lot.  Thanks!  I don't want to be an example of giving up when things are hard to my baby.  I want her to know that adversity can just be a training ground for a successful life..

Yes! Being a good example to my children has been a major force for change. If we can teach them good methods, equip them with a "life how-to", we are doing them a great service. And the only way to do that is through showing them how it's done.

Edited by Tom

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So I've done a few things to set myself up for success: 5000 IUD of Vitamin D every day, 15 mins of blue light (morning & night), cardio + weightlifting exercise (5 days/week), clean diet (very low sugar, real natural food) + a green juice (no fruit) every few days. A bit of extra sleep each morning. I'm basically religious about this. I've also just reintroduced 200mg of 5HTP each night.

That's a lot of vitamin D! Hey man, what kind of exercises do you do, specifically? Like, walk me through a typical work out for you, if you don't mind. I'm curious :)

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So I've done a few things to set myself up for success: 5000 IUD of Vitamin D every day, 15 mins of blue light (morning & night), cardio + weightlifting exercise (5 days/week), clean diet (very low sugar, real natural food) + a green juice (no fruit) every few days. A bit of extra sleep each morning. I'm basically religious about this. I've also just reintroduced 200mg of 5HTP each night.

That's a lot of vitamin D! Hey man, what kind of exercises do you do, specifically? Like, walk me through a typical work out for you, if you don't mind. I'm curious :)

I rotate three workouts. Arms/Chest, Triceps/Back, Legs, 3 sets, 6 exercises, 4-5 days/week

I always do 15 minutes of cardio at the start.

Arms/Chest Day:

1. Pushups
2. Dumbbell flys
3. Barbell curls
4. Barbell forearm curls
5. Standing cable chest flys
6. Benchpress

Triceps/Back:

1. Barbell skull crushers
2. Barbell shoulder press
3. Dumbbell bent-over row
4. Bench dips
5. Seated cable row
6. Lay pulldowns
7. Tricep pushdown
8. Back extensions (light)
9. Resistance band shoulder rehab exercises (light)

Legs:

1. Deadlifts
2. Calf raises
3. Bodyweight Squats
4. Squats
5. Bodyweight Lunges
6. Leg Press 

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I really appreciate everybody who read and liked my journal entries.  Sooner or later I'm going to catch up on all of your journals.  When I go through rough patches, I have to shrink my world a bit so I can manage the essentials.  As much as I love to read everything here, I just have to limit my non working screen time because the screen gives me anxiety when I don't feel on top of things.  Rest assured that I still think you are all awesome.

Work was the same as Friday.  It's funny because I always want to be reasonably productive at work, but sometimes I just end up spending the whole day pretending to be busy.  I would be happy to make my company a little money, but I can only do that if they help me out a little too.  Oh well, they didn't dock my pay for accomplishing nothing so I guess can tolerate it.  Hopefully the support people can come through for me, and I can start working again.  It really gets boring to just aimlessly click around on a screen so I don't get a reputation for being lazy.

Thankfully I'm home now with my wife and my sleeping baby.  They're so wonderful to me.  My baby was cranky again this evening which is rough, but I know she's teething and nothing is wrong with her.  Hopefully she feels better soon so she can get back to laughing and smiling.

I'm thankful for:

  1. Having a professor that I like this semester.  It's so nice to look forward to my class.
  2. Not being overwork at my job.  I think that's a positive way to put it.
  3. Talking to my parents on the phone today.  I feel really good about calling them on a regular basis.
  4. My replacement light bulb came in the mail today.  I can wait to have this thing at work.
  5. My wife for making dinner tonight.
  6. My car.  I've had it for fourteen years, and it has never broken down on me.
  7. Being able to make and execute plans to better myself and my family.
  8. Remembering to be mindful throughout the day.  This is so vital for me to get through my days.
  9. Feeling happiness deeper inside of me than any anxiety or depression.  My core self is truly happy with everything I have been blessed with.  The chemical balance will get better.
  10. Being able to understand myself at a deeper level due to meditation.

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Hey Joe,

I can totally relate. Recently it's been hard for me to read the journals of others - it's enough work just to get here and do my own post. But now I'm trying to catch up on others.

On the subject of exercise, I'm still trying to find something that works well for me. I've done weights at the gym in the past but it has never been exciting for me. Cardio is fine but it can get boring too. I used to love yoga, but it's hard for me to do now because it aggravates my nerve symptoms. After my 5k I think I'm going to try out jiu jitsu and rock climbing and see what I like better. I think I'll enjoy workouts that feel functional and social as opposed to more programmed, if that makes sense.

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Thanks to everything you all contribute to the forum! Reply to others when you can, but continuing to post your own entry is #1. I think many of us have had a tough last few weeks with the weather changes, so I think we'll all start bouncing back again now too. :)

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