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wookieshark88

My Journal - Joe

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Thanks to everything you all contribute to the forum! Reply to others when you can, but continuing to post your own entry is #1. I think many of us have had a tough last few weeks with the weather changes, so I think we'll all start bouncing back again now too. :)

Yeah, I hope so. I haven't felt as engaged with the forum recently, partially because I haven't been posting on other threads as much and because I haven't been getting as much feedback. But that's to be expected I guess.

I hadn't thought about the weather changes. Living in Socal they're pretty minor, but everyone else has to deal with them still. Even here though, we are having very unusual weather. It has been insanely windy lately and pretty cold in the mornings. Last night I did my 5k training in windy chilly weather.

But yeah, let's bounce back :D

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Thanks to everything you all contribute to the forum! Reply to others when you can, but continuing to post your own entry is #1. I think many of us have had a tough last few weeks with the weather changes, so I think we'll all start bouncing back again now too. :)

Yeah, I hope so. I haven't felt as engaged with the forum recently, partially because I haven't been posting on other threads as much and because I haven't been getting as much feedback. But that's to be expected I guess.

I hadn't thought about the weather changes. Living in Socal they're pretty minor, but everyone else has to deal with them still. Even here though, we are having very unusual weather. It has been insanely windy lately and pretty cold in the mornings. Last night I did my 5k training in windy chilly weather.

But yeah, let's bounce back :D

There was a time not too long ago that the entire community on the forum disappeared around the same time and it was only Joe and I replying to people and keeping the momentum going. It's a process, but the more we can engage with each other and let each other feel seen and heard, the more it encourages others to be involved as well.

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Cam, if any of this post needs to be edited or deleted, can you please take care of that for me?  My mind isn't working the best right now, and I'm not sure if I'm using my best judgement in making this post.  I just know that I have felt healing and growth by being a part of this community so that's why I'm taking a chance and writing all of this.

Thanks everyone for the kind words.  I really need them right now.

Yesterday and today sucked.  Yesterday I was going from school to work and I got into a car accident.  It was completely my fault I I think that I may have injured a pregnant lady who was a passenger in the vehicle.  I feel like complete shit about it.  I obviously didn't want to get in a car accident.  I don't want to hurt anybody, ever.  I'm scared.  I'm scared for the other people's safety, but I can really ask them how they're doing.  I'm pretty sure they hate me.  I'm also scared of getting sued, and all of that.  I really have been giving 100% to doing good for myself, my family, and everybody around me.  Could I have wrecked that with one second of lapsed concentration?

Today sucks too.  My grandma died this morning.  I love her so much.  She's like a third parent to me.  She was stable and there for me many times when I didn't have anybody else.  She was doing really crappy and doesn't feel pain anymore, but it still hurts.  I want to go see my family right now, but I need to deal with my car accident stuff first.  I don't want to be flying thousands of miles away when I don't have my home in order.  I just need to figure it out.

I'm determined to keep going and do the best I can.  I'm going to come up with gratitude list no matter how shitty I feel.

I'm thankful for:

  1. Having my mother in law here to take care of my baby.
  2. Having peace and quiet in my room.
  3. Buying a good car insurance policy.
  4. Not being hurt.
  5. Having a wife who is sensitive to my difficulties.
  6. Having a cat who is hanging out with me while I stay hidden in my room.
  7. My wife for calling me to tell me to eat.  I am really hungry.
  8. Not having any panic attacks.  I'm determined to keep it that way.
  9. Not going in to work today.  I really have no use for 10 hours of futility today.
  10. The therapist appointment I have scheduled for today.  Who knew that when I scheduled it, it would be at just the right time for me.
  11. Quitting video games and nicotine.  I'm still not going back to them no matter what.
  12. Making this list longer than usual because I can.  I guess it's my way of saying F you to my circumstances at the moment.

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Hey Joe.

I think it's fine for you to post this here. It's helpful to be honest and open with each other, and you're being vulnerable by sharing this, which is powerful.

That is really rough, I'm sure you must be feeling awful. I won't try to say anything like "it's going to be okay" or something since I don't want to deny whatever negative emotions you're feeling. I'm sure this is legitimately difficult for you right now - which is OK.

I think it's important to not beat yourself up about the accident, even though I know it's hard. The fact is that it was exactly what it sounds like - an accident. Like you said, you never intended to cause a crash or hurt anyone. You bear responsibility for the crash, but you don't need to bear blame for it. Nearly all drivers get in accidents, I would assume - everyone is human, and no one can drive perfectly 100% of the time. It's just a reality of driving. They might hate you (or they might not) but you don't have to hate yourself.

My condolences about your grandma. All my grandparents died when I was pretty young so I never got to know them very well. It's wonderful that she was such a positive influence in your life.

I hope your therapy appointment goes well. Let me know if you need to talk, we are here to support you. :)

 

Edited by kortheo

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Hey Joe.

I think it's fine for you to post this here. It's helpful to be honest and open with each other, and you're being vulnerable by sharing this, which is powerful.

That is really rough, I'm sure you must be feeling awful. I won't try to say anything like "it's going to be okay" or something since I don't want to deny whatever negative emotions you're feeling. I'm sure this is legitimately difficult for you right now - which is OK.

I think it's important to not beat yourself up about the accident, even though I know it's hard. The fact is that it was exactly what it sounds like - an accident. Like you said, you never intended to cause a crash or hurt anyone. You bear responsibility for the crash, but you don't need to bear blame for it. Nearly all drivers get in accidents, I would assume - everyone is human, and no one can drive perfectly 100% of the time. It's just a reality of driving. They might hate you (or they might not) but you don't have to hate yourself.

My condolences about your grandma. All my grandparents died when I was pretty young so I never got to know them very well. It's wonderful that she was such a positive influence in your life.

I hope your therapy appointment goes well. Let me know if you need to talk, we are here to support you. :)

 

It was my first at fault accident in fourteen years of driving so I had a really good run.  I'll have to beat that record now.

Thanks for your kind words.

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Hey Joe! Sending love your way today.

Condolences for your loss. We are here for you.

Accidents happen, keep a list of the exact tasks you need to take care of and handle them like a boss. What's done is done and as Travis said, you may be at fault but you don't need to bear any shame over it. I was in an accident last year in January and although it wasn't my fault, I had to spend a bunch of time on the phone with insurance companies, etc. It was a bit frustrating and annoying (the last thing I want to do is something like sitting on the phone with insurance companies, filling out paperwork, etc)... but if you just let go of the desire for the situation to not have happened and instead just take the best action you can with the least amount of stress (control what you can control, let the rest go) from this point forward it will be done in no time.

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Hi Joe,

I'm sorry to hear about your grandma. There is a time of joy and a time of grief. There's a certain quote I remind myself when I'm suffering: "Pain is temporary. It may last a minute, or an hour, or a day, or a year, but eventually it will subside."
Cherish the moments you had with your grandma and remind yourself that she is in a better place. I wish you the best of luck.

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I'm sorry for your loss, Joe.

It sounds to me you had a great relation with your grandma, so what remains is the memory of all the good times you shared.

I lost my grandma almost 10 years ago. We had a great connection, and I missed her. After a while, I realized that everything I shared with her had now become an important part to my life and personality.

I wish you strength on this part of your journey. Always remember one little thing every day that you can still be thankful for, no matter how your day went.

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Hi Joe, I haven't lost a loved one before, but I have experienced close to it so I feel for you man.

I reckon you should congratulate yourself with your ability to be so open with your mistakes and feelings, it takes courage to admit fault in ourselves. I wish to become a trustworthy and honest person, and surely identifying such things set you up for future improvements and success.

I hope your week gets better for you, there is always light at the end of the tunnel, but be careful if it is a train you might be driving into this time  :P haha.

All the best for your days to come :)

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Joe, my condolences. You'll find solace in good memories. I know I do.

About the accident, don't beat yourself up too much. Let me share this with you. A few months ago my uncle was killed in a road accident. It was the other driver's fault. He was sober and clean. We never blamed him. In fact we felt sorry he too had to bear the pain.

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Today is a good day.  I’m currently on a plane going to San Jose so that I can join my family in the celebration of my grandmother’s life and the mourning of her passing.  She was a wonderful woman and like a third parent to me.  She gave me much love and care in my younger years that helped me become who I am today.  Her impact in this life is still shaping new generations as I am able to impart love to my own wonderful daughter, her great granddaughter.  I live a continent away from my family which has its good and bad points.  Thankfully, I was able to bring my own family to spend time with my relatives while my grandmother was with us.  She was able to hold my daughter and smile with her just a few months before she passed.  For this I will be eternally grateful.  Spending time with both of them together and seeing them enjoy each other’s presence meant the world to me.  Even though I didn’t say it in words to my grandmother, bringing my daughter to spend time with her was my way of showing her that all of her efforts in raising me were not in vain.  I left home abruptly at the age of 19 which is something I had to do and have no regrets about.  Unfortunately it shocked my family, including my grandmother.  That day, she saw me with a wonderful family of my own and felt in her heart that everything turned out okay.  I saw it in her eyes.  It was the ultimate gift I could have given her and I’m overjoyed that I did.  Soon, I will be at the funeral home to say goodbye to her presence in this world.  I don’t know how I will react, but it will be straight from the heart.  It will be the right thing to do, and I will always remember this moment to come as a good day.

I’m thankful for:

  1. Having my grandmother in my life.

  2. Taking time to unite with my relatives in her memory.

  3. Having a chance to spend time with my father who isn’t doing very well.

  4. My workplace being supportive of me though this difficult time.

  5. My wife and mother in law for stepping up to handle home affairs in my absence.

  6. Beginning to recover from a very bad week.

  7. My shiny new Surface Pro 4 and the sexy Game Quitters sticker on it.

  8. The authentic Mexican food I will surely eat during my time in California.

  9. My aunt who gave so much of herself to ensure that my grandmother had a quality life until the end.

  10. Not being afraid of myself or the feelings I have and will have shortly.

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Today was a good day.  I'm definitely getting back to normal, and today it started to become evident.  The healing from going to the funeral is starting to sink in, I have my new car now, and I'll be wrapping up my insurance claim stuff this weekI was able to do a lot of normal things today and it felt great!  It's funny how things like laundry, grocery shopping, cleaning, homework, and the library made me feel so good.  I'm also getting my habits back on track.  Having invested so much in good habits really paid off when things went crazy.  I was able to process things and get myself back on the right track much faster than usual.  Last year I had a few really bad things happen all at once and it took me months to be able to get things back in order.  Being free from games has also helped to make it easier.

I'm thankful for:

  1. Getting back on track.
  2. Getting lots of things done like I usually do.
  3. Doing my homework for the first time in a week.  It feels good to have my mind back together enough to be able to focus on it.
  4. My car.  I got a 2015 Corolla S+ with 10,000 miles on it for much less than the cost of a new one.  I'm really happy with it!
  5. Reestablishing my habits.  They're such a positive influence on my life!
  6. Reading a good book that has helped me get through this.
  7. Having the skill of mindfullness to help keep my mind in check.
  8. My wife for really helping me get through everything.
  9. Reconnecting with a bunch of my relatives.
  10. My baby laughing a ton today.

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I like this post. The software does not let me click anymore, so I just tell you, Joe.

Congrats on your car. From this year with a couple of miles on it! So basically new, you just let somebody else pay the money (in form of deprecation) for driving it first time off the salesman's lot (I think new cars deprecate in value the minute somebody starts driving them).

And the rest of the list sounds as if your life is appreciating ten items every day. Thanks for the continuous inspiration.

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I like this post. The software does not let me click anymore, so I just tell you, Joe.

Congrats on your car. From this year with a couple of miles on it! So basically new, you just let somebody else pay the money (in form of deprecation) for driving it first time off the salesman's lot (I think new cars deprecate in value the minute somebody starts driving them).

And the rest of the list sounds as if your life is appreciating ten items every day. Thanks for the continuous inspiration.

Thank you for the encouragement!

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Great to see you're back on track Joe!

How you've dealt with your circumstances is just one of the hidden or unforeseen benefits of good habits. Your post was a timely reminder for me that developing good habits helps you in many more ways than the simple habit itself!

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Great to see you're back on track Joe!

How you've dealt with your circumstances is just one of the hidden or unforeseen benefits of good habits. Your post was a timely reminder for me that developing good habits helps you in many more ways than the simple habit itself!

I'm glad that it helps!  I'm just trying to be as authentic as I can because that's really the only way to grow.

Today was a good day.  I got to take my family for a ride in my new car for the first time!  We went to the in laws house to celebrate my father in law's birthday.  It was nice to just hang out and enjoy everybody's company.  My baby is so much more social these days and had lots of fun celebrating with us!  It's so good to have a 2nd day in a row when things just felt normal.

I completed my 2nd of four sketches that I need to have done by the end of the semester.  I'm hopelessly behind in my studies because of everything that happened recently, but it's okay.  This is why I start the semester as strong as possible.  I'm going to do my best to finish as strong as possible, but I won't stress about it because I set myself up properly.  Sketching was really relaxing for me which is different than usual.  I'm not a natural artist by any means, but I've been getting better by practicing all semester.  Usually it takes my full concentration to do a semi decent job on my sketches, but I feel like I did a decent job while being able to relax my focus a bit.  I'm really happy that I'm improving because hand sketches are the weakness in my architectural skill set.  If I can continue to improve, I should end up well rounded!

I'm thankful for:

  1. Getting a sketch done.  It feels good!
  2. Getting back on track with journaling.
  3. Not feeling very much depression or anxiety today.
  4. Getting closer to the end of the semester.
  5. Laughing a lot with my wife and baby.
  6. Having a new car that I really like.
  7. Having a new computer that I really like.
  8. Sharing wonderful memories of my grandma with my wife.
  9. Birthday pizza and cake.
  10. Getting the chance to have a normal week starting tomorrow.

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Today was a productive day.  I've been working on tying up a bunch of loose ends with regards to my accident and other personal matters.  I just want to be caught up with things so I can focus more attention to the present.  What I have been doing is writing down lots of notes to myself.  When I get thoughts about what I need to do, I just jot them down so I can release my mind from thinking about them.  It definitely helps quiet the mind.

I'm thankful for:

  1. Getting though my first work day in a while.
  2. Getting things done so that I don't get stuck in the past.
  3. Having a delicious dinner.

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Today was a good day.  I got a lot done and felt good about all of it.  One really big step for me was deciding to sell all of my stashed video games.  I went online and priced a box of games that had SNES, N64, Gameboy, Game Cube, and PS2 games.  The value of that box is around $1300.  I figure I'll just throw it all up on ebay for above market price and just be patient.  It can sit in the box for as long as it needs to.  I have two other boxes to go through and inventory.  This is nice because I can earn some money and rid myself of games!

I talked to my professor today about the couple of classes I missed and the things that have happened to me lately.  She was really cool about it and told me to just do my best for the rest of the semester and it'll be fine.  I got back my third quiz and got a 108%.  It pays off to start the semester on fire and get to know the professors!

I'm thankful for:

  1. Making more progress on the loose ends I need to wrap up.
  2. Getting the motivation/courage to start working on putting my old video games for sale.
  3. Having a good meditation session this  morning.
  4. Making progress on my third of four sketches due at the end of the semester.
  5. Having a wife who is supportive.
  6. My baby for being cooperative even though this evening deviated from her normal bedtime routine.
  7. Driving to class and work in my pretty new car.  I'm a big fan.
  8. Having tasty coffee today without stomach pains.
  9. Being mostly back on track.
  10. Not feeling much anxiety or depression today.

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Today was a really good day!  I got a ton of things done at work and at home.  I also felt really good the whole time.  It was a normal day which is awesome!

I'm completely back in the swing of things and feeling really happy again.  One of the biggest things I've been doing is writing down anything that I want to release from my mind.  I made about five different lists today.  Among these are things I want to get done at work, at home, things I'm expecting to receive in the near future, gift ideas for those who I value most, and things that things to accomplish further down the road.  It really helps to quiet my mind because I know that I don't need to try to remember these things.  They're all written down and I can review them any time I want.  When I'm not trying to hold on to any ideas in my mind, I feel freer and happier.  I cross things off the lists and rewrite them cleanly the next day with any additions that are necessary.

I'm thankful for:

  1. Lists.  They help me let go of unneeded mental strain.
  2. Stuffed peppers.  They're one of my favorite foods.
  3. Sketching.  It's a calming activity that I should make a habit of.
  4. Sesame street.  I watched it today for the first time in decades and it was actually pretty funny!
  5. My new backpack.  I had to replace my eight year old one because it was falling apart.
  6. Selling some video games.  $50 is going into my daughter's college fund!
  7. My baby for being quite fun this evening.
  8. My wife for making my lunch for tomorrow!
  9. Getting a lot done today.
  10. An excellent meditation session this morning.  It was the best one in over a month!

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Hey, Now that I remember I need to ask you a question about meditation. Have you been doing the visualization exercises? and What do you think about visualization so far? I'm asking since I made a retreat to the Headspace Pro series which don't have Visualization as part of them

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Hey, Now that I remember I need to ask you a question about meditation. Have you been doing the visualization exercises? and What do you think about visualization so far? I'm asking since I made a retreat to the Headspace Pro series which don't have Visualization as part of them

I've done some of the visualization exercises and like some but not others.  Focus and creativity work really good for me, but I felt that happiness was pointless.  I've done one pack of pro and liked it.  When things got tough for me, I went back to level three because the visualizations were too much for me.

Today was a good day.  I've been learning new things at work to prepare for a task I have coming up early next year.  It's really nice because I really want to know as much as possible about my job.  I hate feeling unproductive or unskilled too.

School was good today too.  We had a quiz prep for next Tuesday's quiz which was really helpful.  Since I really didn't study any of that material, it's helped me to narrow down what I will focus on this weekend.  I also need to make some serious progress on my sketches so I can be done with them.

After work, I got to play with my baby while we talked to my parents on the phone.  I got her laughing really hard which makes my parents really happy.  They're doing better than usual which is nice.

After my baby went to sleep, I knocked out as many things as possible from my to do list until my wife came home.  Now were watching a show before bedtime.

I'm looking forward to Saturday when I can hopefully put a serious dent in my list.  It's going to be nice to free myself from a bunch of tasks.

I'm thankful for:

  1. Having another excellent meditation session.  I'm in a groove again after a long funk!
  2. Listening to a bunch of Tim Ferris today.  It's so inspiring.
  3. Making time to relax at the end of the day no matter how busy I am.
  4. Remembering to be mindful throughout the day.
  5. Cleaning my desk at work.  Getting a lot done means I can clear off a lot papers!
  6. Having an appointment with a specialist today.  Hopefully I can get to the root of my stomach problems.
  7. Getting better at communicating with my wife.  It's so important.
  8. Making money off of my video games.  I sold my very first video game I got at seven years old, and I didn't have a hard time letting it go!
  9. Having a good time with my coworkers today.
  10. Driving safely today.

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Today was completely ordinary and awesome.  This week was completely ordinary and awesome.  I'm so happy that I'm back on track with all of my good habits, routines, and thoughts.  Work was excellent, and I get to really learn a lot.  I got out of work a little early and was able to get a bunch of stuff off of my to do list!  Play time and bath time with my baby was such a blast.  My wife and I decorated the living room for Christmas while drinking eggnog and amaretto with is a blast!

I'm so proud of myself for not going back to video games when things got tough.  I was able to draw on the strengths that I have building over the last few month to get me through and back to normal.  Video game Joe would have just languished for much longer than necessary while necessary tasks just piled up and overwhelmed me.  What a wonderful thing that those days are in the past.  I was able to talk to different people and learn about the various ways to get though difficult times.  Once I found what resonated with me, I was able to deal with everything in the way that was best for me.  Mindfulness was a huge contributor to my success.

I'm thankful for:

  1. Learning a lot at work today.
  2. Having fun with my wife decorating.
  3. Being able to smile throughout the day.
  4. Feeling at peace.
  5. Knocking out tons of items off my to do list.
  6. Learning how to keep my mind working properly.
  7. My baby for surprising me by standing up!
  8. Having a cat sit on my lap while I write in my journal.
  9. Relaxing at the end of the day.
  10. Feeling confident.

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Experiencing a challenging time and seeing how your habits have created a new foundation for yourself is a major breakthrough. No longer do you worry about "what will happen if XYZ happens" (will you game!?) and instead you can just continue to live your life and look to the future.

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