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Mimetic

Rejoining life

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"From a deep dream i awoke"  (Friedrich Nietzsche)

Day 28 without gaming

Day 6 after deciding to quit

 

All the times trying to write a journal in my life after i was maybe around 15 i stopped soon after the first entries. I dont know why. Somehow when i read it afterwards i felt uncomfortable. I thought about how stupid i reacted or why i havent done things differently. I just wanted to forget about my failures. Maybe thats a reason iam here now. I dont want to forget about this failure that has cost me 4 years life time by now. I will talk about my heroine here. Its called Battlefield 3. Even writing the name triggers me, so i better dont do it again. Maybe i should even erase the name. Hmm. Maybe. But then...its important to maybe name the game. Cause its the only game i fell for. And i dont know really why. It maybe just had the perfect mixture of social gaming, being competetive and hitmarkers. It sounds silly af. But i love hitmarkers. For those who doesnt know: its the markers you get when you hit a person. Headshots are even more incredible. So yes. Iam addicted to hitmarkers. Shit. Am i really saying what i love here in a journal that shall be my quitting journal?.. Iam gloryfying this maybe still. But then... idk...maybe the addicted part of my brain is acting right now. I discovered there are 2 parts of my brain. The just normal one. And the addicted part. I read some quote on AA forums. On the first day last week on wednesday when i decided to change my life. So when you google detox and addiction you automatically get on AA pages with their 12 step program. Even if iam not a super religious person those steps got me. 1st stepp: Admit. And there was a quote: The addicted brain will kill the body to get what it wants. Wow. This got me. Cause its true. Through all my gaming sessions which lasted about 15 hrs or more sometimes i didnt feel any pain. My brain was working like a machine. And when i fell into bed it still wasnt quiet. It wanted more. Its like an abyss opened up and wanted to eat me alive.

So good god, here iam now. Maybe i talk about what iam grateful for today:

- having money to buy me clothes (thats something new for me after being poor af for a very long time)

- having an appointment for a new appartment to watch on wednesday

Regarding the last thing, having no home for the last 28 days was my biggest luck. Sounds silly and impossible. But it also meant no PC. No PC means no gaming. Being with strange people via Airbnb in their houses also meant having to socialize. And i got very positive feedback about what a nice person iam, how friendly iam ect. This after being alone and on my own for quiet a while was something i had to get used to.

My goals (short term)

- getting this new appartment on wednesday =)

- stop talking to my former clan mates and dont get involved in anything again

Last thing is so difficult. Cause those people have been part of my life for about 4 years. I know them better than my real life friends, although we never been in a bar and got drunk together, we never called at 3 am in the morning. So maybe this is again an illusion of my addicted brain part. I just thought about how to shorten "addicted brain part." APB. Wow. This also means All Points Bulletin. Just sick. I made an appointment with a friend this week to telephone. I havent been telephoning with people apart from my mother for ages. I think thats a good way to start. I havent told many people about what iam doing here. One friend knows, but she has been addicted to WoW for a long time so she knows what iam talking about. Still we dont have this much of a contact anymore. She offered me to connect more. I was happy about that. Its hard to connect to people in real life again after you had your main friends online for years. But you learn it the hard way that this is wrong. When my father died last year there was no one i could really call. I felt so unbelievable lonely. A quote from the comic "The Crow" comes to my mind: "When someone you love dies you will feel what it means to be complete and utterly alone. Nothing can prepare you for that day". Yep. That how it was. But it could have been easier with friends around who were not just on a screen. Lesson learned. I love quotes. I have many in mind for my next journal entries.

 

 

 

 

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Hey dude pleasure to have you here. Ready to become an Ubermensch? ;)

3 hours ago, Mimetic said:

So yes. Iam addicted to hitmarkers. Shit. Am i really saying what i love here in a journal that shall be my quitting journal?..

Yes, you should. You should be letting everything out, turning all your subconscious thoughts into words. The absolute most important thing is radical honesty with yourself. If you love something, you love it, and not saying you do will not make it so. If that's how it is, that's how it is, and it belongs outside. Not thinking about Battlefield doesn't work, that's repression, and the thoughts and feelings are very well still there, just in the subconscious. So, think about it. Contemplate it. Question it. These things are only helpful.

3 hours ago, Mimetic said:

When my father died last year there was no one i could really call. I felt so unbelievable lonely. A quote from the comic "The Crow" comes to my mind: "When someone you love dies you will feel what it means to be complete and utterly alone. Nothing can prepare you for that day". Yep. That how it was. But it could have been easier with friends around who were not just on a screen. Lesson learned. I love quotes. I have many in mind for my next journal entries.

Yo I'm sorry for your loss. I can't honestly say I relate. I've never lost such a close family member. But I have a friend who lost his Mom and when he told me about it it really shut me up. I can relate to loneliness though, and well, all I can say is, make it your friend. There will probably always be some degree of loneliness especially with personal development and going a different path from most others, and that's totally fine. Everything passes.

Forums like these and similar, and stuff like meetup.com is the best way to make good friends I think. I met my closest friend because he reached out to me on another personal development forum. I met some likeminded people through Pickup, and I would be going to Meetups all the time if only I lived closer to the city. Give it a try!

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Also damn, the AA quote. There's a former drug addict turned comedian I like quite a lot called Russell Brand. He's funny and interesting and wrote a book about the 12 Step Program and his experience with it. Might be worth checking out (also saying that to myself)

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22 hours ago, thehondasc00py said:

Also damn, the AA quote. There's a former drug addict turned comedian I like quite a lot called Russell Brand. He's funny and interesting and wrote a book about the 12 Step Program and his experience with it. Might be worth checking out (also saying that to myself)

Ubermensch lol :D

Yes i read about this guy. I kinda like the community thought of AA. One of the steps ( i think its the 2nd one) is believing that a power greater than ourself can restore our health. This does not have to be god, it can also be a community of people who have experienced the same. So yes, i think its so important to have a community like this and iam happy i dont have to feel silly and alone with my problem anymore :3

 

So todays Journal

" A man has a weakness, he's flawed. That flaw leads him to guilt. The guilt leads him to shame. The shame he compensates with pride and vanity. And when pride fails, despair takes over and they all lead to his destruction. It will become his fate... Something's gotta stop the flow. " (Ink-The Movie)

Day 29 without gaming

Day 7 since i decided to quit

So what does that mean, day 29 without gaming, day 7 since i decided to quit?

My last game of battlefield i played on the 5th of november. I remember this quiet well cause it was a sunday where i had to leave again for work. And i knew it would be the last chance for a very long time to play. Knowing this, i also played the whole saturday like i was totally obessed. No break. Cause break meant to lose precious moments i would lose of playing. The day before that i met some friends i havent seen for quiet a long time. I didnt enjoy it to the fullest. For quiet a while now when going out i felt unease. At first i thought it was cause of the death of my father, which had left me quiet disturbed. I could not stand to be within bigger groups of people. I could not stand the happy people around me when i was on a party. I always left early. It was more to convict myself, that i wasnt totally addicted. I was telling myself: hey look. Iam still going out and meeting friends. It cant be that bad girl huh? Yea. I was going out. But now i know the single fact of going out wasnt important. Important was the feeling i got when going home again. It was more like: shit, now you have lost a whole evening. You could have played so many matches. And now you are drunk so you will be hangover the next day, so even more shit cause then you cant enjoy playing even less. At one point i stopped going out. I began to lie to my friends. I wasnt feeling well, i had a cold, i had headache ect. I cancelled appointments on the very last minute. I was ALWAYS late when i was going to one. I have never been late before i started playing like a psycho. Being on time was the thing you could always relate on when meeting with me.

So well. Leaving on this sunday i only had one thought: Going back as fast as i could to continue playing. I still had this thought last week on wednesday when i talked to my boss about quitting the job cause i could no find an appartment. Even then my shitty sick addicted brainpart was in control of me! Lucky me my boss told me that i should the fuck think about this silly quitting thing. And then i began to think. I went out to the river in my work break. And i thought. For the first time i really thought about why everything feels wrong. I could no longer deny it. There i was, on the step to being unemployed, losing everything, cause of a silly game. That was the moment 7 days ago where i decided to quit. Did the fact that i already didnt play for 22 days then make it easier? No. It was difficult as fuck.

So here iam again.

What iam grateful for today:

- Having absolutly gorgeous  long hair (sry guys, i think only girls can relate to this :P)

- My first real visit to Strasbourg today

I decided to socialize more in the last couple of days. One chance for this is with my collegues at work. I have many collegues, so there are many little groups of people always hanging around together. Since iam very shy when it comes to strangers esp in groups, i never really talked to people who are not in the same office than me. So today one of my collegues invited everyone to his birthday on the christmas market. Normally i would have declined it since i dont know him that well. But hey, this is about breaking habits right. So even before this, i stumbeled into an english lesson class we have at work for the people who are not good at english. Idk why, but i started talking to the teacher there. One of the good things being in a multilanguage gaming clan for so long is that i could really improve my english. Its not perfect but i think its good. So he invited me into the english class. And i said instantly yes. And it was really funny. I was happy to talk english again. After that we all went together to the christmas market. It was so much fun. Even if i dont know the people very well, everyone was so friendly. I got to my temporary home after this. And i felt so peaceful. I felt joy because it has been a nice evening. No little voice in my head telling me, why the fuck didnt you stay at home. Its been soo long i had a relaxed evening like this without thinking one time about playing games.

When we are on the wrong way, sometimes we are forced into another direction. And later we see, that what we first thought was a big misery, becomes our biggest chance. Thats what it means "something has to stop the flow".

Short term goals:

-Still getting the appartment tomorrow :P

-Apologize to the people i lied to cause of my addiction

 

 

 

 

Edited by Mimetic

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"Only after disaster can we be resurrected. It's only after you've lost everything that you're free to do anything. Nothing is static, everything is evolving, everything is falling apart " (Fight Club)

Day 33 without gaming

Day 11 since decided to quit

Shitty shit. 33 days. It feels like forever. Since yesterday i want to play so baaaaadddllyyyyyyyy. It takes up my whole thinking. After christmas i will be 2 weeks off to my own appartment away from work where my PC is. My addicted brain already has everything planned. Wow it feels like someone else is living in it and doing things i dont want :( I dont think i will be able to control myself. Now its so easy cause i simply cant play even if i would like to. Oke i can play silly mobile games but i never was into them and it never was a problem...so i ofc dont even want to play them. I only want the forbidden things -_- I try to remind myself about all the bad things that came from my addiction. It doesnt work now^^  I begin to ask myself if those years of compulsive gaming have made radical changes to my brain. I feel like i cant concentrate pretty well. I forget so many things. Iam even scared I have some kind of deadly disease cause i am not able to write as before too.

 

What iam grateful for today:

- Having soon 2 weeks off to pl... now shit no. Again: Having a job i like

- Waking up with the fluffy paws of my cat in my face oO

 

The stupid appartment on wednesday was a total mess. It was dirty af. A weird little door in one room where no one knew where it leads to or how to open it. It looked like you could only open it from the other side oO Welcome to a horror movie. An even more weird ol lady without teeth living in the basement oO. So clear i didnt want to live there too^^ So search has to go on. Meanwhile i spend my time after work inside reading. I read my first book for years. The night in lisbon by Remarque. Its about 2 men who meet in the 2nd world war. One wants to escape to usa and the other one offers him tickets for a ship if he listens to his story for a whole night. It was really good reading. Very old book from 1962. Now i start reading moscow in flames from 1917. I found many old novels in the boxes from my aunt who died 15 years ago. Iam really attracted to military stuff. Thats what also got me into battlefield i think. Thats and hitmarkers. I miss them. I miss my clan. I miss my online "friends". I miss relaxing in front of pc and drowing in the game. I miss drinking wine when playing. I miss people calling me hacker. Oke i dont miss feeling like shit the other day. I dont miss being banned from servers cause people thinks i hack. I dont miss the toxic talk in chat. I dont miss getting even more fat. I dont miss feeling lonely af. I dont miss missing my life. Oke brain. Maybe you and me can make peace? ...

 

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On 9.12.2017 at 3:27 PM, Mimetic said:

"Only after disaster can we be resurrected. It's only after you've lost everything that you're free to do anything. Nothing is static, everything is evolving, everything is falling apart " (Fight Club)

Day 33 without gaming

Day 11 since decided to quit

Shitty shit. 33 days. It feels like forever. Since yesterday i want to play so baaaaadddllyyyyyyyy. It takes up my whole thinking. After christmas i will be 2 weeks off to my own appartment away from work where my PC is. My addicted brain already has everything planned. Wow it feels like someone else is living in it and doing things i dont want :( I dont think i will be able to control myself. Now its so easy cause i simply cant play even if i would like to. Oke i can play silly mobile games but i never was into them and it never was a problem...so i ofc dont even want to play them. I only want the forbidden things -_- I try to remind myself about all the bad things that came from my addiction. It doesnt work now^^  I begin to ask myself if those years of compulsive gaming have made radical changes to my brain. I feel like i cant concentrate pretty well. I forget so many things. Iam even scared I have some kind of deadly disease cause i am not able to write as before too.

 

It seldom helps to see the bad things gaming did to you even if this isn't intuitive you'll need to see the good things that come from not gaming. You want to become another person. A person free from clutches or addictions. Free to do how you like. Free from having to do things only because the are comfortable and you are used to it. A person with high self-esteem beeing in control of his own body and mind.

What your feeling right now is just the detox. It is normal to struggle. But this will pass as soon as you are able to accept that this haven't to be  you anymore. Sitting around drinking and playing meaningless games just that you don't feel lonely. Thats you only you if you choose to be that person. You can be the proactive person who uses the free time to do something awesome. Or you can choose to relapse. It is your choice. Everytime you choose against relapsing, everytime you try again after you relapsed you stop beeing that person who is ruining his life with addictive behaviour and becoming this second awesome person.

Btw. this doesn't mean that your accomplishiment your clan or your time gaming was bad. You took a lot of great things out of it and it helped you in your past. But you can honor this in your mind and choosing a different lifestyle for tomorrow. I like the time I had playing with friends online and competing for endless hours. I liked how I felt if I watched these replays and beeing part of my little niche gaming culture. I am still so much happier how my life is now after I freed myself from the burden to have the pressure to game all the time because nothing else felt satisfying. These things aren't contradictory. Remember the good but make your decision anyway. Not because you have to, but because you are free to choose it. Because you chose it at the start of your detox. You owe this to yourself.

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Thanks @WorkInProgress, theres a lot of truth in this. I have not always been this way :( I used to be a really attractive girl once. I used to go out so much, dancing and having fun with friends and meeting a lot of guys. This is only 4 years ago but to me it seems like this was another person. I dont know, i miss this person so much. :( So yes you are right, i choose who i want to be. I need to remind myself of this. Thanks for your words :)

 

"The night is darkest just before the dawn" (The Dark Knight)

App says its 36 days without gaming and 13 days since i decided to quit for a while

 

This quote above has been part of my life for quiet a while. Everytime i experienced another low in the past 4 years i told myself this. When i thought so much about suicide earlier this year i thought about it too. It always gave me hope. Cause there have been so much bad times in my life. But it were always the bad times, where the biggest growth resulted from. And one day it all made sense. Those were the days were you just stand there, looking into the sun or the sky, and you are just overhelmed by what you have mastered. That you are still alive. When i was 17 i suffered from a nearly deadly disease. I was lucky and survived. When i was 27 i had a very abusive boyfriend with a mental disease. I survived this too. I survived my law exams. Not talking about school. Omg i hated school. School is a place where you learn to dislike people. Where you learn that peoples attention is not about your personality but about an image you can create about yourself. Fuck school lol. :)

So yesterday evening i downloaded a meditation app. I have read so much about people meditating and it seemed to help them. And there was a guy in the discord channel (i forgot his name sry :)) with whom i talked about pain. He showed me a picture of an iceberg and explained, that what you can see is the smallest part, its gaming. But whats more important is, what is beyond the water surface. Its the biggest part of the iceberg. And there is pain. To heal, you would have to get to that pain. This left me thinking for 3 days now. And i felt he was right. When my longterm relationship ended 4 years ago i didnt allow myself to weep. I wanted to hate the guy, who left me after so many years with just one sentence: I dont feel like its right to be together anymore. Okay. I denied also all responsibility for this ending. I ignored the fact, that i was too busy gaming instead of maybe saving my relationship. Dont know though if i could have saved it. Anyway. When my father died last year it was the same. I think i cried 2 times. We havent been that close but still. It was my father and i watched him fading for weeks until it was over. 1 week before he died we visited him in the hospital. And i swear by god. I could feel the presence of death in the room. At this point we still had hope but when i entered the room i knew he would not make it home. So i think i just developed a mechanism since then holding back my feelings cause otherwise i know i would not have survived. From the meditations available i chose one with the name "Surrender". And omg. This was overwhelming. It was just about that. Giving in to your feelings. Letting go. I cried for about 30 minutes. And what shall i say. It was great. This sounds absolutly lunatic maybe. But i wanted it. I wanted to get rid of this pain thats been poisoning me for years now, i still do. I always tried to be strong but this has lead me to the shitty situation iam in now. So yeah, maybe i wont relapse anytime soon. Maybe i will. And maybe this will be important too. Idk. After being conscious now about the problem i think there is no way back into ignoring it. I feel my brain working better the last couple of days. I googled this too and found out, that things like this are maybe part of the withdrawal.  I will go and meditate some more now. This was a good tipp. :)

 

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I understood myself only as i destroyed myself. And only in the process of fixing myself did i know who i really was (unknown)

Day 39/16

I have thought pretty much about my life in the past 2 weeks. About my decisions. Why they often feel so hard and iam so unsure about what to do. I have a nice job atm with veryfunny and nice collegues. But its not well paid and its in the location where i dont really want to live. I just saw some awesome video on Youtube (for those who want to watch it and maybe dont know it:

This is big, lol :P But after watching it i thought wow. This all makes sense. Connection. My gaming increased indeed when i started losing connection. when i was studying for my exam i didnt see my friends anymore. Then my relationship broke apart. Cause of this i left my homecity and moved 700 km away in a new city. There i already was kind of lost, so i never really got close friends. No connectivity. Its so simple and yet i could not see it. -_-. So i thought of maybe moving closer to my old homecity again where i can see my friends more often. Its not really difficult for me meeting new people IF i really want it and if iam not distracted by some voice in my head telling me being alone is better. This voice has been quit loud the last couple of years. Just when i started the job i realized, that i actually like being around people, laugh with people, getting to know their stories ect.But iam quiet uncertain of i really shall quit the job. Cause it gives me stability where there havent been any for so long. But then again i cant really live of the money and with my education i could be so much more. Iam just scared..as always...that some day someone will discover iam just an imposter who knows nothing about the things that she has been studied so long. Maybe sounds silly but this is exactly my feeling.

What iam grateful for today:

Doing progress in recovery

Being still alive

Today is actually my 2nd birthday. I survived quite a bad illness when i was 17 and nearly died. So yes, you should think this should have changed my perspective of life and how valuable it is. It was this way for a long time. Since that year i always do something nice on this day or i try to. Normally i meet someone i like and go out for dinner or drink. Its not that i tell everyone about it. Its just for me to feel alive on this special day. Today i couldnt do that. I spend the whole day at work and then in my car. So this year i have only met myself on this day and we had a nice discussion about how life is hopefully about to change ;) My innerself was really thankful for not being forced in front of a game every day anymore. It wants to dance. Omg. It wants to dance so badly. How could i make it that long without dancing??? Another great quote comes to my mind. I will spare it for another day .

 

 

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14 hours ago, Mimetic said:

 

 Iam just scared..as always...that some day someone will discover iam just an imposter who knows nothing about the things that she has been studied so long. Maybe sounds silly but this is exactly my feeling.

 

 

I know this feelng just to well. Fater studying for arounc 7 years of an engineering subject I am afraid that I know nearly nothing of the subjects. But I am sure it would come back way easier now if I needed the knowledge. And iI did some career switiching anyway and it seems to workout without me knowing anything of this stuff again:)

If your job doesn't pay enough to be sustainable search something else. You cannot forget to fear the opiton where every thing stays the same. It is sometimes riskier to do nothing then to do something bold.

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On 16.12.2017 at 2:47 PM, WorkInProgress said:

I know this feelng just to well. Fater studying for arounc 7 years of an engineering subject I am afraid that I know nearly nothing of the subjects. But I am sure it would come back way easier now if I needed the knowledge. And iI did some career switiching anyway and it seems to workout without me knowing anything of this stuff again:)

 

Yep lol, same with me :P I studied about 8 years cause i had to work at the same time and i always thought after that much time i really need to have the knowledge^^ But if you start working its something completly different, esp if you have chosen a job where the studies is only theory and you do nearly nothing practical^^ Good that you found something that fits you. Read you start at January? Good luck with it :)

It's the heart afraid of breaking That never learns to dance (The Rose)

Day 42/19

Rcently i have noticed some changes. My brain seems to be working better. I forget less and iam able to concentrate more. I have started to meditate... I use an app for it called Lets Meditate. Its awesome..although i hardly ever make it to the end before falling to sleep^^

Yesterday i did one of my goals. I apologized to someone i lied to cause of gaming. It wasnt a close friend though. Thats still to come between christmas and new year. It was a guy i met last year and we went out together. He was really nice and handsome. And i was just addicted and ultra sad cause of my fatherd death. I didnt call him back cause he got on my nerves cause he was actually interested in me and kept asking how i was doing. You would think its just normal and nice. To me it was just annoying. I think just not answering anymore was a bitch move. So yesterday i just apologized. I dont mean to get an answer back, theres a great distance between us now anyway. But i felt it was the right thing and to explain it it wasnt him but me. That being said, i miss gaming so much :( I mean i have a lot to do. I work nearly 9 hrs a day and after that i read something or i watch a movie. Just watched fight club again. A great movie. I have again started to write. I started writing when i was 10 years old. I was always a child with a lot of fantasy. I was able to invent great worlds. I stopped writing about 10 years ago. Not because of gaming but because life was very up and down those days and i never could find the time. When i got back to it (its always the same story iam writing at for a very long time now) i was like..wtf...its 10 years...wtf...where did the time go...wtf....4 years i have lost to this shittyfuckingidiotgame...4 years that wont come back....and then i thought omg. Better 4 years than 5 ... or 6...or 7 :) Iam happy then when i realize that the next year wont be one of the lost ones. May it be a good or bad year. But it wont be another year i spend unconcious in front of a pc. So yes i miss gaming very much. But i miss life more.

What iam grateful for today:

- having selfmade burgers for dinner

- having a home

 

 

 

 

 

Edited by Mimetic
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Gaming nostalgia is also something expected to feel. There are several videos about it in the YT channel, both about nostalgia and FOMO (Fear Of Missing Out). You can check them out if interested. 

I was away and haven't been able to check on your journal for a while, but I think you've started to shift. You feel pain and resistance, and that's a normal thing (I know since it was hell for me when I first quit, for instance) but it passes. Give it patience and kindness. You're doing great!

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Thank you so much @Hitaru. Its always a pleasure to see you in my journal ;)

I was the hell that you needed. (Moby)

Day 43/20

When i came home from work i started listening to music. It was first to get me into mood before starting to write. In the end i didnt write one word but listened to music on youtube for 5 hours. And omg it was so awesome. I havent done this for such a long time. So many good memories, so many emotions. I can finally feel  again. Just then i noticed again how numb i felt the last couple of years. That gaming has nearly taken my life when i sat there at the beginning of 2017 and just wanting to end it all. Omg so sad and unbelievable -_-. Iam still pretty sure that iam gonna relapse between christmas and new year, cause then i will leave the place iam now and be in my own home again with my PC. But even that...idk. I think there is not really a way back from this conciousness i got now. Seriously. I would like to know if anyone else felt like he/she has been awaken from a deep deep dream.Maybe when i sit in front of my PC i will not even want it anymore. Iam someone, i need always try things to see how they feel. But to be save i have asked some friends if they want to meet with me during the time iam there. Its better to be cautious i think. The less iam home the better. And i really missed them. Iam very happy i found this forum. I read so much here and its a great inspiration. I hope i can brainwash myself a bit more until next week :P

Edited by Mimetic
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You prepare yourself to cope with failure if you think "I am going to relapse". Give it at least the benefit of doubt: "It will be a challenge to not relapse, but I'll try my best" B|

Almost halfway through! Reflect on all the positive changes that are happening to you. It's the best defense against relapse and going back. 

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11 hours ago, Mimetic said:

Thank you so much @Hitaru. Its always a pleasure to see you in my journal ;)

I was the hell that you needed. (Moby)

Day 43/20

When i came home from work i started listening to music. It was first to get me into mood before starting to write. In the end i didnt write one word but listened to music on youtube for 5 hours. And omg it was so awesome. I havent done this for such a long time. So many good memories, so many emotions. I can finally feel  again. Just then i noticed again how numb i felt the last couple of years. That gaming has nearly taken my life when i sat there at the beginning of 2017 and just wanting to end it all. Omg so sad and unbelievable -_-. Iam still pretty sure that iam gonna relapse between christmas and new year, cause then i will leave the place iam now and be in my own home again with my PC. But even that...idk. I think there is not really a way back from this conciousness i got now. Seriously. I would like to know if anyone else felt like he/she has been awaken from a deep deep dream.Maybe when i sit in front of my PC i will not even want it anymore. Iam someone, i need always try things to see how they feel. But to be save i have asked some friends if they want to meet with me during the time iam there. Its better to be cautious i think. The less iam home the better. And i really missed them. Iam very happy i found this forum. I read so much here and its a great inspiration. I hope i can brainwash myself a bit more until next week :P

This feeling crept on me over a while (even before I quit all games). Games doesn't seemed fun anymore and I felt always bad if I played them (couldnt't stop to either though).  As I commited to the detox and actually managed to stay away from most of my binge habits (did some anime/youtube/random stuff) I felt like I could not only feel stuff again but actually think for my own for the first time in a long period. Like the autopilot was off and I had to steer my emotions and brain on my own again. Great feeling to have :).

That was what drove me back to not gaming even after I played a bit after the detox again and again. I just feel better if I am not gaming at all.

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I was not in game quitters, slacking off until I got to an extreme bottom.

Since October I woke up from this then feeling what if would die tomorrow pushed me up to do something where I am lacking.

right know I am implementing the thing and grow rich principles.

It is extreme hard to tackle both porn and video gaming focusing on one is crucial but detrimental  because the other one catalyzes the other.

I have missed this company!!

I had to carry that all on myself.

I thought that nobody would reply but I got to the one who is 100%  on taking responsibility for my friends!!

 

 

 

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