Mimetic

Thank you so much @Hitaru. Its always a pleasure to see you in my journal I was the hell that you needed. (Moby) Day 43/20 When i came home from work i started listening to music. It was first to get me into mood before starting to write. In the end i didnt write one word but listened to music on youtube for 5 hours. And omg it was so awesome. I havent done this for such a long time. So many good memories, so many emotions. I can finally feel again. Just then i noticed again how numb i felt the last couple of years. That gaming has nearly taken my life when i sat there at the beginning of 2017 and just wanting to end it all. Omg so sad and unbelievable -_-. Iam still pretty sure that iam gonna relapse between christmas and new year, cause then i will leave the place iam now and be in my own home again with my PC. But even that...idk. I think there is not really a way back from this conciousness i got now. Seriously. I would like to know if anyone else felt like he/she has been awaken from a deep deep dream.Maybe when i sit in front of my PC i will not even want it anymore. Iam someone, i need always try things to see how they feel. But to be save i have asked some friends if they want to meet with me during the time iam there. Its better to be cautious i think. The less iam home the better. And i really missed them. Iam very happy i found this forum. I read so much here and its a great inspiration. I hope i can brainwash myself a bit more until next week

Good luck with your exam Idk, maybe it helps if you do little steps? When i had this monstrous law exam i procastinated a lot too. It helped setting smaller goals. You dont have to study everything in one day. If you start early enough you can do one by one and dont stress yourself too much. Other than that, dont give up. Everyone here needs to find his/her individual way. But in the end we can all succeed, iam pretty sure of that

Thats exactly what i was thinking reading about what this guy told you^^ If i learned something in life then that you never should believe people telling you you cant do something. Reading about your "diagnosis", you know gaming can cause depression too? I watched some video yesterday on FB @Cam Adair posted, it was about a guy talking at tedtalk about internet addiction, mainly porn, but this applies to other addictions like gaming as well. He too said, that many people are treated wrong, and that depression is only the symptom and not the illness itself. That being said i ofc dont know if it applies to you too, but before taking antidepressants i would give it a thought. Much strength for you!

@Regular Robert really got it to the point. And even if you maybe think different, you dont sound like you failed at your hobby at all. Being good enough to take part in national tournaments means you are good. Maybe there were others better but still it doesnt change what you achieved. Be proud of it. Then about your girlfriend. I know shit like this hurts like hell. And its very easy to get into old habits again after some tragedy happens. But me thinks too you dont owe your gaming friends anything. Mine tell me too they miss me blah. Still its only a game and we dont have much things in common apart from that. Now being in a good team and going to play LAN makes it more diificult to stop. I dont know if its the same as it was with me with battlefield, but when i got better and above the average player and joined a very good clan, things even got worse. For being on a certain level you need to train, so you need to spend a lot of time in the game. I dont think its the right thing to do. Imagine what else you can do during all the time. Meeting a new girlfriend for example

Yep lol, same with me I studied about 8 years cause i had to work at the same time and i always thought after that much time i really need to have the knowledge^^ But if you start working its something completly different, esp if you have chosen a job where the studies is only theory and you do nearly nothing practical^^ Good that you found something that fits you. Read you start at January? Good luck with it It's the heart afraid of breaking That never learns to dance (The Rose) Day 42/19 Rcently i have noticed some changes. My brain seems to be working better. I forget less and iam able to concentrate more. I have started to meditate... I use an app for it called Lets Meditate. Its awesome..although i hardly ever make it to the end before falling to sleep^^ Yesterday i did one of my goals. I apologized to someone i lied to cause of gaming. It wasnt a close friend though. Thats still to come between christmas and new year. It was a guy i met last year and we went out together. He was really nice and handsome. And i was just addicted and ultra sad cause of my fatherd death. I didnt call him back cause he got on my nerves cause he was actually interested in me and kept asking how i was doing. You would think its just normal and nice. To me it was just annoying. I think just not answering anymore was a bitch move. So yesterday i just apologized. I dont mean to get an answer back, theres a great distance between us now anyway. But i felt it was the right thing and to explain it it wasnt him but me. That being said, i miss gaming so much I mean i have a lot to do. I work nearly 9 hrs a day and after that i read something or i watch a movie. Just watched fight club again. A great movie. I have again started to write. I started writing when i was 10 years old. I was always a child with a lot of fantasy. I was able to invent great worlds. I stopped writing about 10 years ago. Not because of gaming but because life was very up and down those days and i never could find the time. When i got back to it (its always the same story iam writing at for a very long time now) i was like..wtf...its 10 years...wtf...where did the time go...wtf....4 years i have lost to this shittyfuckingidiotgame...4 years that wont come back....and then i thought omg. Better 4 years than 5 ... or 6...or 7 Iam happy then when i realize that the next year wont be one of the lost ones. May it be a good or bad year. But it wont be another year i spend unconcious in front of a pc. So yes i miss gaming very much. But i miss life more. What iam grateful for today: - having selfmade burgers for dinner - having a home

I can very much relate to this. During my binge days i didnt answer the phone. I was rude towards people asking me out. I just wished they would all leave me alone. When you become concious of how much a t*** you were towards so many people its hard and sad. But it can also set you free. Cause you know you never ever want to become again that person

I think many people here had something like a waking call which made them realize life cant go on like this anymore. You will find a lot of support here from others. Welcome

I understood myself only as i destroyed myself. And only in the process of fixing myself did i know who i really was (unknown) Day 39/16 I have thought pretty much about my life in the past 2 weeks. About my decisions. Why they often feel so hard and iam so unsure about what to do. I have a nice job atm with veryfunny and nice collegues. But its not well paid and its in the location where i dont really want to live. I just saw some awesome video on Youtube (for those who want to watch it and maybe dont know it: This is big, lol But after watching it i thought wow. This all makes sense. Connection. My gaming increased indeed when i started losing connection. when i was studying for my exam i didnt see my friends anymore. Then my relationship broke apart. Cause of this i left my homecity and moved 700 km away in a new city. There i already was kind of lost, so i never really got close friends. No connectivity. Its so simple and yet i could not see it. -_-. So i thought of maybe moving closer to my old homecity again where i can see my friends more often. Its not really difficult for me meeting new people IF i really want it and if iam not distracted by some voice in my head telling me being alone is better. This voice has been quit loud the last couple of years. Just when i started the job i realized, that i actually like being around people, laugh with people, getting to know their stories ect.But iam quiet uncertain of i really shall quit the job. Cause it gives me stability where there havent been any for so long. But then again i cant really live of the money and with my education i could be so much more. Iam just scared..as always...that some day someone will discover iam just an imposter who knows nothing about the things that she has been studied so long. Maybe sounds silly but this is exactly my feeling. What iam grateful for today: Doing progress in recovery Being still alive Today is actually my 2nd birthday. I survived quite a bad illness when i was 17 and nearly died. So yes, you should think this should have changed my perspective of life and how valuable it is. It was this way for a long time. Since that year i always do something nice on this day or i try to. Normally i meet someone i like and go out for dinner or drink. Its not that i tell everyone about it. Its just for me to feel alive on this special day. Today i couldnt do that. I spend the whole day at work and then in my car. So this year i have only met myself on this day and we had a nice discussion about how life is hopefully about to change My innerself was really thankful for not being forced in front of a game every day anymore. It wants to dance. Omg. It wants to dance so badly. How could i make it that long without dancing??? Another great quote comes to my mind. I will spare it for another day .

I really enjoy reading your journal. That party night you posted about right before your leaving sounded great The best things happen if you dont try to force them. Have a great start in australia!

one of the important things is i think to talk about your struggles with people close to you. the people who love us are hurt too by our actions and esp when those actions hurt ourself. they are often helpless. i love your doogie

Thanks @WorkInProgress, theres a lot of truth in this. I have not always been this way I used to be a really attractive girl once. I used to go out so much, dancing and having fun with friends and meeting a lot of guys. This is only 4 years ago but to me it seems like this was another person. I dont know, i miss this person so much. So yes you are right, i choose who i want to be. I need to remind myself of this. Thanks for your words "The night is darkest just before the dawn" (The Dark Knight) App says its 36 days without gaming and 13 days since i decided to quit for a while This quote above has been part of my life for quiet a while. Everytime i experienced another low in the past 4 years i told myself this. When i thought so much about suicide earlier this year i thought about it too. It always gave me hope. Cause there have been so much bad times in my life. But it were always the bad times, where the biggest growth resulted from. And one day it all made sense. Those were the days were you just stand there, looking into the sun or the sky, and you are just overhelmed by what you have mastered. That you are still alive. When i was 17 i suffered from a nearly deadly disease. I was lucky and survived. When i was 27 i had a very abusive boyfriend with a mental disease. I survived this too. I survived my law exams. Not talking about school. Omg i hated school. School is a place where you learn to dislike people. Where you learn that peoples attention is not about your personality but about an image you can create about yourself. Fuck school lol. So yesterday evening i downloaded a meditation app. I have read so much about people meditating and it seemed to help them. And there was a guy in the discord channel (i forgot his name sry :)) with whom i talked about pain. He showed me a picture of an iceberg and explained, that what you can see is the smallest part, its gaming. But whats more important is, what is beyond the water surface. Its the biggest part of the iceberg. And there is pain. To heal, you would have to get to that pain. This left me thinking for 3 days now. And i felt he was right. When my longterm relationship ended 4 years ago i didnt allow myself to weep. I wanted to hate the guy, who left me after so many years with just one sentence: I dont feel like its right to be together anymore. Okay. I denied also all responsibility for this ending. I ignored the fact, that i was too busy gaming instead of maybe saving my relationship. Dont know though if i could have saved it. Anyway. When my father died last year it was the same. I think i cried 2 times. We havent been that close but still. It was my father and i watched him fading for weeks until it was over. 1 week before he died we visited him in the hospital. And i swear by god. I could feel the presence of death in the room. At this point we still had hope but when i entered the room i knew he would not make it home. So i think i just developed a mechanism since then holding back my feelings cause otherwise i know i would not have survived. From the meditations available i chose one with the name "Surrender". And omg. This was overwhelming. It was just about that. Giving in to your feelings. Letting go. I cried for about 30 minutes. And what shall i say. It was great. This sounds absolutly lunatic maybe. But i wanted it. I wanted to get rid of this pain thats been poisoning me for years now, i still do. I always tried to be strong but this has lead me to the shitty situation iam in now. So yeah, maybe i wont relapse anytime soon. Maybe i will. And maybe this will be important too. Idk. After being conscious now about the problem i think there is no way back into ignoring it. I feel my brain working better the last couple of days. I googled this too and found out, that things like this are maybe part of the withdrawal. I will go and meditate some more now. This was a good tipp.

"Only after disaster can we be resurrected. It's only after you've lost everything that you're free to do anything. Nothing is static, everything is evolving, everything is falling apart " (Fight Club) Day 33 without gaming Day 11 since decided to quit Shitty shit. 33 days. It feels like forever. Since yesterday i want to play so baaaaadddllyyyyyyyy. It takes up my whole thinking. After christmas i will be 2 weeks off to my own appartment away from work where my PC is. My addicted brain already has everything planned. Wow it feels like someone else is living in it and doing things i dont want I dont think i will be able to control myself. Now its so easy cause i simply cant play even if i would like to. Oke i can play silly mobile games but i never was into them and it never was a problem...so i ofc dont even want to play them. I only want the forbidden things I try to remind myself about all the bad things that came from my addiction. It doesnt work now^^ I begin to ask myself if those years of compulsive gaming have made radical changes to my brain. I feel like i cant concentrate pretty well. I forget so many things. Iam even scared I have some kind of deadly disease cause i am not able to write as before too. What iam grateful for today: - Having soon 2 weeks off to pl... now shit no. Again: Having a job i like - Waking up with the fluffy paws of my cat in my face oO The stupid appartment on wednesday was a total mess. It was dirty af. A weird little door in one room where no one knew where it leads to or how to open it. It looked like you could only open it from the other side oO Welcome to a horror movie. An even more weird ol lady without teeth living in the basement oO. So clear i didnt want to live there too^^ So search has to go on. Meanwhile i spend my time after work inside reading. I read my first book for years. The night in lisbon by Remarque. Its about 2 men who meet in the 2nd world war. One wants to escape to usa and the other one offers him tickets for a ship if he listens to his story for a whole night. It was really good reading. Very old book from 1962. Now i start reading moscow in flames from 1917. I found many old novels in the boxes from my aunt who died 15 years ago. Iam really attracted to military stuff. Thats what also got me into battlefield i think. Thats and hitmarkers. I miss them. I miss my clan. I miss my online "friends". I miss relaxing in front of pc and drowing in the game. I miss drinking wine when playing. I miss people calling me hacker. Oke i dont miss feeling like shit the other day. I dont miss being banned from servers cause people thinks i hack. I dont miss the toxic talk in chat. I dont miss getting even more fat. I dont miss feeling lonely af. I dont miss missing my life. Oke brain. Maybe you and me can make peace? ...

I can very much relate to this. I tend to have those thoughts myelf. I dont know you but from your entries it seems like you overthink a lot. Its true that at some point in our life some door are shut. At 50 you normally wont change your profession again for example. I dont know how old you are, but i think you are still young (you wrote something about 20+ somewhere) so theres still many things you can try to achieve if you really want them. You just have to get rid of this thinking that you have passed some kind of imaginary deadline and after that you cant be sucessful anymore. This is all in your head. And its just thoughts, its not reality. If you want to learn german, i can teach you a bit Normally i would say lets game together and talk in TS...but this is indeed a door thats shut now And about applying for a job, you need a thick skin for this. I was unemployed for a while myself and wrote many applications, most of them with not big success. Then one day there was a company who honoured what i have done so far in my life, that i didnt have a straight cv and had tried some things. Those episodes without jobs always suck. Its hard and its scary. But its not impossible to escape them.

I read so much of meditation here..think im gonna try it too... Can you take some pics of kangaroos in australia for me?

Admitting there is a problem is the first step. Welcome