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Everything posted by Mimetic

  1. Thank you so much @Hitaru. Its always a pleasure to see you in my journal I was the hell that you needed. (Moby) Day 43/20 When i came home from work i started listening to music. It was first to get me into mood before starting to write. In the end i didnt write one word but listened to music on youtube for 5 hours. And omg it was so awesome. I havent done this for such a long time. So many good memories, so many emotions. I can finally feel again. Just then i noticed again how numb i felt the last couple of years. That gaming has nearly taken my life when i sat there at the beginning of 2017 and just wanting to end it all. Omg so sad and unbelievable -_-. Iam still pretty sure that iam gonna relapse between christmas and new year, cause then i will leave the place iam now and be in my own home again with my PC. But even that...idk. I think there is not really a way back from this conciousness i got now. Seriously. I would like to know if anyone else felt like he/she has been awaken from a deep deep dream.Maybe when i sit in front of my PC i will not even want it anymore. Iam someone, i need always try things to see how they feel. But to be save i have asked some friends if they want to meet with me during the time iam there. Its better to be cautious i think. The less iam home the better. And i really missed them. Iam very happy i found this forum. I read so much here and its a great inspiration. I hope i can brainwash myself a bit more until next week
  2. Mimetic

    Day 6!

    Good luck with your exam Idk, maybe it helps if you do little steps? When i had this monstrous law exam i procastinated a lot too. It helped setting smaller goals. You dont have to study everything in one day. If you start early enough you can do one by one and dont stress yourself too much. Other than that, dont give up. Everyone here needs to find his/her individual way. But in the end we can all succeed, iam pretty sure of that
  3. Thats exactly what i was thinking reading about what this guy told you^^ If i learned something in life then that you never should believe people telling you you cant do something. Reading about your "diagnosis", you know gaming can cause depression too? I watched some video yesterday on FB @Cam Adair posted, it was about a guy talking at tedtalk about internet addiction, mainly porn, but this applies to other addictions like gaming as well. He too said, that many people are treated wrong, and that depression is only the symptom and not the illness itself. That being said i ofc dont know if it applies to you too, but before taking antidepressants i would give it a thought. Much strength for you!
  4. @Regular Robert really got it to the point. And even if you maybe think different, you dont sound like you failed at your hobby at all. Being good enough to take part in national tournaments means you are good. Maybe there were others better but still it doesnt change what you achieved. Be proud of it. Then about your girlfriend. I know shit like this hurts like hell. And its very easy to get into old habits again after some tragedy happens. But me thinks too you dont owe your gaming friends anything. Mine tell me too they miss me blah. Still its only a game and we dont have much things in common apart from that. Now being in a good team and going to play LAN makes it more diificult to stop. I dont know if its the same as it was with me with battlefield, but when i got better and above the average player and joined a very good clan, things even got worse. For being on a certain level you need to train, so you need to spend a lot of time in the game. I dont think its the right thing to do. Imagine what else you can do during all the time. Meeting a new girlfriend for example
  5. Yep lol, same with me I studied about 8 years cause i had to work at the same time and i always thought after that much time i really need to have the knowledge^^ But if you start working its something completly different, esp if you have chosen a job where the studies is only theory and you do nearly nothing practical^^ Good that you found something that fits you. Read you start at January? Good luck with it It's the heart afraid of breaking That never learns to dance (The Rose) Day 42/19 Rcently i have noticed some changes. My brain seems to be working better. I forget less and iam able to concentrate more. I have started to meditate... I use an app for it called Lets Meditate. Its awesome..although i hardly ever make it to the end before falling to sleep^^ Yesterday i did one of my goals. I apologized to someone i lied to cause of gaming. It wasnt a close friend though. Thats still to come between christmas and new year. It was a guy i met last year and we went out together. He was really nice and handsome. And i was just addicted and ultra sad cause of my fatherd death. I didnt call him back cause he got on my nerves cause he was actually interested in me and kept asking how i was doing. You would think its just normal and nice. To me it was just annoying. I think just not answering anymore was a bitch move. So yesterday i just apologized. I dont mean to get an answer back, theres a great distance between us now anyway. But i felt it was the right thing and to explain it it wasnt him but me. That being said, i miss gaming so much I mean i have a lot to do. I work nearly 9 hrs a day and after that i read something or i watch a movie. Just watched fight club again. A great movie. I have again started to write. I started writing when i was 10 years old. I was always a child with a lot of fantasy. I was able to invent great worlds. I stopped writing about 10 years ago. Not because of gaming but because life was very up and down those days and i never could find the time. When i got back to it (its always the same story iam writing at for a very long time now) i was like..wtf...its 10 years...wtf...where did the time go...wtf....4 years i have lost to this shittyfuckingidiotgame...4 years that wont come back....and then i thought omg. Better 4 years than 5 ... or 6...or 7 Iam happy then when i realize that the next year wont be one of the lost ones. May it be a good or bad year. But it wont be another year i spend unconcious in front of a pc. So yes i miss gaming very much. But i miss life more. What iam grateful for today: - having selfmade burgers for dinner - having a home
  6. I can very much relate to this. During my binge days i didnt answer the phone. I was rude towards people asking me out. I just wished they would all leave me alone. When you become concious of how much a t*** you were towards so many people its hard and sad. But it can also set you free. Cause you know you never ever want to become again that person
  7. I think many people here had something like a waking call which made them realize life cant go on like this anymore. You will find a lot of support here from others. Welcome
  8. I understood myself only as i destroyed myself. And only in the process of fixing myself did i know who i really was (unknown) Day 39/16 I have thought pretty much about my life in the past 2 weeks. About my decisions. Why they often feel so hard and iam so unsure about what to do. I have a nice job atm with veryfunny and nice collegues. But its not well paid and its in the location where i dont really want to live. I just saw some awesome video on Youtube (for those who want to watch it and maybe dont know it: This is big, lol But after watching it i thought wow. This all makes sense. Connection. My gaming increased indeed when i started losing connection. when i was studying for my exam i didnt see my friends anymore. Then my relationship broke apart. Cause of this i left my homecity and moved 700 km away in a new city. There i already was kind of lost, so i never really got close friends. No connectivity. Its so simple and yet i could not see it. -_-. So i thought of maybe moving closer to my old homecity again where i can see my friends more often. Its not really difficult for me meeting new people IF i really want it and if iam not distracted by some voice in my head telling me being alone is better. This voice has been quit loud the last couple of years. Just when i started the job i realized, that i actually like being around people, laugh with people, getting to know their stories ect.But iam quiet uncertain of i really shall quit the job. Cause it gives me stability where there havent been any for so long. But then again i cant really live of the money and with my education i could be so much more. Iam just scared..as always...that some day someone will discover iam just an imposter who knows nothing about the things that she has been studied so long. Maybe sounds silly but this is exactly my feeling. What iam grateful for today: Doing progress in recovery Being still alive Today is actually my 2nd birthday. I survived quite a bad illness when i was 17 and nearly died. So yes, you should think this should have changed my perspective of life and how valuable it is. It was this way for a long time. Since that year i always do something nice on this day or i try to. Normally i meet someone i like and go out for dinner or drink. Its not that i tell everyone about it. Its just for me to feel alive on this special day. Today i couldnt do that. I spend the whole day at work and then in my car. So this year i have only met myself on this day and we had a nice discussion about how life is hopefully about to change My innerself was really thankful for not being forced in front of a game every day anymore. It wants to dance. Omg. It wants to dance so badly. How could i make it that long without dancing??? Another great quote comes to my mind. I will spare it for another day .
  9. I really enjoy reading your journal. That party night you posted about right before your leaving sounded great The best things happen if you dont try to force them. Have a great start in australia!
  10. one of the important things is i think to talk about your struggles with people close to you. the people who love us are hurt too by our actions and esp when those actions hurt ourself. they are often helpless. i love your doogie
  11. Thanks @WorkInProgress, theres a lot of truth in this. I have not always been this way I used to be a really attractive girl once. I used to go out so much, dancing and having fun with friends and meeting a lot of guys. This is only 4 years ago but to me it seems like this was another person. I dont know, i miss this person so much. So yes you are right, i choose who i want to be. I need to remind myself of this. Thanks for your words "The night is darkest just before the dawn" (The Dark Knight) App says its 36 days without gaming and 13 days since i decided to quit for a while This quote above has been part of my life for quiet a while. Everytime i experienced another low in the past 4 years i told myself this. When i thought so much about suicide earlier this year i thought about it too. It always gave me hope. Cause there have been so much bad times in my life. But it were always the bad times, where the biggest growth resulted from. And one day it all made sense. Those were the days were you just stand there, looking into the sun or the sky, and you are just overhelmed by what you have mastered. That you are still alive. When i was 17 i suffered from a nearly deadly disease. I was lucky and survived. When i was 27 i had a very abusive boyfriend with a mental disease. I survived this too. I survived my law exams. Not talking about school. Omg i hated school. School is a place where you learn to dislike people. Where you learn that peoples attention is not about your personality but about an image you can create about yourself. Fuck school lol. So yesterday evening i downloaded a meditation app. I have read so much about people meditating and it seemed to help them. And there was a guy in the discord channel (i forgot his name sry :)) with whom i talked about pain. He showed me a picture of an iceberg and explained, that what you can see is the smallest part, its gaming. But whats more important is, what is beyond the water surface. Its the biggest part of the iceberg. And there is pain. To heal, you would have to get to that pain. This left me thinking for 3 days now. And i felt he was right. When my longterm relationship ended 4 years ago i didnt allow myself to weep. I wanted to hate the guy, who left me after so many years with just one sentence: I dont feel like its right to be together anymore. Okay. I denied also all responsibility for this ending. I ignored the fact, that i was too busy gaming instead of maybe saving my relationship. Dont know though if i could have saved it. Anyway. When my father died last year it was the same. I think i cried 2 times. We havent been that close but still. It was my father and i watched him fading for weeks until it was over. 1 week before he died we visited him in the hospital. And i swear by god. I could feel the presence of death in the room. At this point we still had hope but when i entered the room i knew he would not make it home. So i think i just developed a mechanism since then holding back my feelings cause otherwise i know i would not have survived. From the meditations available i chose one with the name "Surrender". And omg. This was overwhelming. It was just about that. Giving in to your feelings. Letting go. I cried for about 30 minutes. And what shall i say. It was great. This sounds absolutly lunatic maybe. But i wanted it. I wanted to get rid of this pain thats been poisoning me for years now, i still do. I always tried to be strong but this has lead me to the shitty situation iam in now. So yeah, maybe i wont relapse anytime soon. Maybe i will. And maybe this will be important too. Idk. After being conscious now about the problem i think there is no way back into ignoring it. I feel my brain working better the last couple of days. I googled this too and found out, that things like this are maybe part of the withdrawal. I will go and meditate some more now. This was a good tipp.
  12. "Only after disaster can we be resurrected. It's only after you've lost everything that you're free to do anything. Nothing is static, everything is evolving, everything is falling apart " (Fight Club) Day 33 without gaming Day 11 since decided to quit Shitty shit. 33 days. It feels like forever. Since yesterday i want to play so baaaaadddllyyyyyyyy. It takes up my whole thinking. After christmas i will be 2 weeks off to my own appartment away from work where my PC is. My addicted brain already has everything planned. Wow it feels like someone else is living in it and doing things i dont want I dont think i will be able to control myself. Now its so easy cause i simply cant play even if i would like to. Oke i can play silly mobile games but i never was into them and it never was a problem...so i ofc dont even want to play them. I only want the forbidden things I try to remind myself about all the bad things that came from my addiction. It doesnt work now^^ I begin to ask myself if those years of compulsive gaming have made radical changes to my brain. I feel like i cant concentrate pretty well. I forget so many things. Iam even scared I have some kind of deadly disease cause i am not able to write as before too. What iam grateful for today: - Having soon 2 weeks off to pl... now shit no. Again: Having a job i like - Waking up with the fluffy paws of my cat in my face oO The stupid appartment on wednesday was a total mess. It was dirty af. A weird little door in one room where no one knew where it leads to or how to open it. It looked like you could only open it from the other side oO Welcome to a horror movie. An even more weird ol lady without teeth living in the basement oO. So clear i didnt want to live there too^^ So search has to go on. Meanwhile i spend my time after work inside reading. I read my first book for years. The night in lisbon by Remarque. Its about 2 men who meet in the 2nd world war. One wants to escape to usa and the other one offers him tickets for a ship if he listens to his story for a whole night. It was really good reading. Very old book from 1962. Now i start reading moscow in flames from 1917. I found many old novels in the boxes from my aunt who died 15 years ago. Iam really attracted to military stuff. Thats what also got me into battlefield i think. Thats and hitmarkers. I miss them. I miss my clan. I miss my online "friends". I miss relaxing in front of pc and drowing in the game. I miss drinking wine when playing. I miss people calling me hacker. Oke i dont miss feeling like shit the other day. I dont miss being banned from servers cause people thinks i hack. I dont miss the toxic talk in chat. I dont miss getting even more fat. I dont miss feeling lonely af. I dont miss missing my life. Oke brain. Maybe you and me can make peace? ...
  13. I can very much relate to this. I tend to have those thoughts myelf. I dont know you but from your entries it seems like you overthink a lot. Its true that at some point in our life some door are shut. At 50 you normally wont change your profession again for example. I dont know how old you are, but i think you are still young (you wrote something about 20+ somewhere) so theres still many things you can try to achieve if you really want them. You just have to get rid of this thinking that you have passed some kind of imaginary deadline and after that you cant be sucessful anymore. This is all in your head. And its just thoughts, its not reality. If you want to learn german, i can teach you a bit Normally i would say lets game together and talk in TS...but this is indeed a door thats shut now And about applying for a job, you need a thick skin for this. I was unemployed for a while myself and wrote many applications, most of them with not big success. Then one day there was a company who honoured what i have done so far in my life, that i didnt have a straight cv and had tried some things. Those episodes without jobs always suck. Its hard and its scary. But its not impossible to escape them.
  14. I read so much of meditation here..think im gonna try it too... Can you take some pics of kangaroos in australia for me?
  15. Admitting there is a problem is the first step. Welcome
  16. Ubermensch lol Yes i read about this guy. I kinda like the community thought of AA. One of the steps ( i think its the 2nd one) is believing that a power greater than ourself can restore our health. This does not have to be god, it can also be a community of people who have experienced the same. So yes, i think its so important to have a community like this and iam happy i dont have to feel silly and alone with my problem anymore :3 So todays Journal " A man has a weakness, he's flawed. That flaw leads him to guilt. The guilt leads him to shame. The shame he compensates with pride and vanity. And when pride fails, despair takes over and they all lead to his destruction. It will become his fate... Something's gotta stop the flow. " (Ink-The Movie) Day 29 without gaming Day 7 since i decided to quit So what does that mean, day 29 without gaming, day 7 since i decided to quit? My last game of battlefield i played on the 5th of november. I remember this quiet well cause it was a sunday where i had to leave again for work. And i knew it would be the last chance for a very long time to play. Knowing this, i also played the whole saturday like i was totally obessed. No break. Cause break meant to lose precious moments i would lose of playing. The day before that i met some friends i havent seen for quiet a long time. I didnt enjoy it to the fullest. For quiet a while now when going out i felt unease. At first i thought it was cause of the death of my father, which had left me quiet disturbed. I could not stand to be within bigger groups of people. I could not stand the happy people around me when i was on a party. I always left early. It was more to convict myself, that i wasnt totally addicted. I was telling myself: hey look. Iam still going out and meeting friends. It cant be that bad girl huh? Yea. I was going out. But now i know the single fact of going out wasnt important. Important was the feeling i got when going home again. It was more like: shit, now you have lost a whole evening. You could have played so many matches. And now you are drunk so you will be hangover the next day, so even more shit cause then you cant enjoy playing even less. At one point i stopped going out. I began to lie to my friends. I wasnt feeling well, i had a cold, i had headache ect. I cancelled appointments on the very last minute. I was ALWAYS late when i was going to one. I have never been late before i started playing like a psycho. Being on time was the thing you could always relate on when meeting with me. So well. Leaving on this sunday i only had one thought: Going back as fast as i could to continue playing. I still had this thought last week on wednesday when i talked to my boss about quitting the job cause i could no find an appartment. Even then my shitty sick addicted brainpart was in control of me! Lucky me my boss told me that i should the fuck think about this silly quitting thing. And then i began to think. I went out to the river in my work break. And i thought. For the first time i really thought about why everything feels wrong. I could no longer deny it. There i was, on the step to being unemployed, losing everything, cause of a silly game. That was the moment 7 days ago where i decided to quit. Did the fact that i already didnt play for 22 days then make it easier? No. It was difficult as fuck. So here iam again. What iam grateful for today: - Having absolutly gorgeous long hair (sry guys, i think only girls can relate to this :P) - My first real visit to Strasbourg today I decided to socialize more in the last couple of days. One chance for this is with my collegues at work. I have many collegues, so there are many little groups of people always hanging around together. Since iam very shy when it comes to strangers esp in groups, i never really talked to people who are not in the same office than me. So today one of my collegues invited everyone to his birthday on the christmas market. Normally i would have declined it since i dont know him that well. But hey, this is about breaking habits right. So even before this, i stumbeled into an english lesson class we have at work for the people who are not good at english. Idk why, but i started talking to the teacher there. One of the good things being in a multilanguage gaming clan for so long is that i could really improve my english. Its not perfect but i think its good. So he invited me into the english class. And i said instantly yes. And it was really funny. I was happy to talk english again. After that we all went together to the christmas market. It was so much fun. Even if i dont know the people very well, everyone was so friendly. I got to my temporary home after this. And i felt so peaceful. I felt joy because it has been a nice evening. No little voice in my head telling me, why the fuck didnt you stay at home. Its been soo long i had a relaxed evening like this without thinking one time about playing games. When we are on the wrong way, sometimes we are forced into another direction. And later we see, that what we first thought was a big misery, becomes our biggest chance. Thats what it means "something has to stop the flow". Short term goals: -Still getting the appartment tomorrow -Apologize to the people i lied to cause of my addiction
  17. "From a deep dream i awoke" (Friedrich Nietzsche) Day 28 without gaming Day 6 after deciding to quit All the times trying to write a journal in my life after i was maybe around 15 i stopped soon after the first entries. I dont know why. Somehow when i read it afterwards i felt uncomfortable. I thought about how stupid i reacted or why i havent done things differently. I just wanted to forget about my failures. Maybe thats a reason iam here now. I dont want to forget about this failure that has cost me 4 years life time by now. I will talk about my heroine here. Its called Battlefield 3. Even writing the name triggers me, so i better dont do it again. Maybe i should even erase the name. Hmm. Maybe. But then...its important to maybe name the game. Cause its the only game i fell for. And i dont know really why. It maybe just had the perfect mixture of social gaming, being competetive and hitmarkers. It sounds silly af. But i love hitmarkers. For those who doesnt know: its the markers you get when you hit a person. Headshots are even more incredible. So yes. Iam addicted to hitmarkers. Shit. Am i really saying what i love here in a journal that shall be my quitting journal?.. Iam gloryfying this maybe still. But then... idk...maybe the addicted part of my brain is acting right now. I discovered there are 2 parts of my brain. The just normal one. And the addicted part. I read some quote on AA forums. On the first day last week on wednesday when i decided to change my life. So when you google detox and addiction you automatically get on AA pages with their 12 step program. Even if iam not a super religious person those steps got me. 1st stepp: Admit. And there was a quote: The addicted brain will kill the body to get what it wants. Wow. This got me. Cause its true. Through all my gaming sessions which lasted about 15 hrs or more sometimes i didnt feel any pain. My brain was working like a machine. And when i fell into bed it still wasnt quiet. It wanted more. Its like an abyss opened up and wanted to eat me alive. So good god, here iam now. Maybe i talk about what iam grateful for today: - having money to buy me clothes (thats something new for me after being poor af for a very long time) - having an appointment for a new appartment to watch on wednesday Regarding the last thing, having no home for the last 28 days was my biggest luck. Sounds silly and impossible. But it also meant no PC. No PC means no gaming. Being with strange people via Airbnb in their houses also meant having to socialize. And i got very positive feedback about what a nice person iam, how friendly iam ect. This after being alone and on my own for quiet a while was something i had to get used to. My goals (short term) - getting this new appartment on wednesday =) - stop talking to my former clan mates and dont get involved in anything again Last thing is so difficult. Cause those people have been part of my life for about 4 years. I know them better than my real life friends, although we never been in a bar and got drunk together, we never called at 3 am in the morning. So maybe this is again an illusion of my addicted brain part. I just thought about how to shorten "addicted brain part." APB. Wow. This also means All Points Bulletin. Just sick. I made an appointment with a friend this week to telephone. I havent been telephoning with people apart from my mother for ages. I think thats a good way to start. I havent told many people about what iam doing here. One friend knows, but she has been addicted to WoW for a long time so she knows what iam talking about. Still we dont have this much of a contact anymore. She offered me to connect more. I was happy about that. Its hard to connect to people in real life again after you had your main friends online for years. But you learn it the hard way that this is wrong. When my father died last year there was no one i could really call. I felt so unbelievable lonely. A quote from the comic "The Crow" comes to my mind: "When someone you love dies you will feel what it means to be complete and utterly alone. Nothing can prepare you for that day". Yep. That how it was. But it could have been easier with friends around who were not just on a screen. Lesson learned. I love quotes. I have many in mind for my next journal entries.
  18. Hi David, welcome to the community. You did the right choice uninstalling steam and all mobile games, so you dont get tempted. And its never too late to make a change in your life Imagine you still got 40 years to live, thats quiet a time worth enjoying things isnt it. Also you have a wife who apparantly loves you and supports you and 2 kiddies. Maybe you can spend more time with them or your wife now. Isnt it possible you cancel your home office and work at the office again? I dont think its good for you being too much at home alone, if you think you can get tempted easily. And regarding your kids i think its good you have this background, cause you wont be one of those parents whos totally lost when their kids want to play video games and you also will see warning signs if there are any. So this is also something good you can take out of your history. Coding seems like a good thing to start with, we all need hobbies to replace gaming. I started to read my first book for ages for example. And i also experienced what you wrote, that you could not concentrate on difficult games anymore. I didnt finish one single player game for ages, cause after a short while i was bored and went back to my heroine Online Multiplayer. It was simply too annoying to search ways through the game and it got me bored after about 20 minutes. Something i also really dislike even if its other games^^ Starting a journal is always a good idea. And remember, you are not alone
  19. @choijiah yes iam female, but i dont think that female gamers are more in danger when it comes to addiction. Regarding this i think its independent from age or gender. For example i think theres kind of an age gap here between me and the majority. Iam in my mid 30´s, i have a finished education and always have been a person that handeled her life quiet well apart from depressive episodes. But i think every person has something, thats fatal for them when it comes to addiction. Mine was a stupid game. Would never have thought about that years ago, when a friend of mine was totally lost in WoW. I had no understanding for the deeper reasons and how games may hook on your brain. I think its dangerous to play in the early stage of detox. You say yourself it felt good Not that iam not reaaaaaallyyyy tempted. I talked to my former clan mates in the last 2 days and iam so sad when i do, it feels like i have left kind of a family. But then i think damn, there was a reason i wanted to quit that. I would go by the advise from Cam stopping about 90 days and then see, if you can do moderate gaming. You can add me if you wish, but iam not sure that i can do anything supportive at the moment moany as iam lol @Hitaru " after all, the alternative is an indefinite amount of time of the same as you're now. But getting worse. Part of the delusion is perceiving the time as stopped. It's not. " Yes, this is sooo very true. nothing did get better. I try to remind myself every day of this. I could have a family right now, instead iam alone and wasted so important years.
  20. Thank you very much @Hitaru! Well...i do feel very fucked up, i cant help it ofc you are right. The past is the past and what counts is how we create our future. I dont know what was there first, my depressive thoughts or the exessive gaming. Sometimes i feel like i want to be lost, like there is something dark that never goes away. So yes, i used gaming pretty much to escape bad feelings, to numb them. Like what people do when they using drugs. It fits that i didnt feel any pain in my head or hands ect when i was gaming like 12 hrs straight. Idk, i have thought so much about all this in the past days. Its like ive been woken up from a bad but very deep dream and cant believe what ive done to myself, how the world around me looks. I have read some very motivational journals here and i already felt better and like i can also make it. I think it helps seeing one is not alone, esp i dont have any real life friends who could understand how difficult this situation really is, since gaming is something childish and a hobby for them but nothing, you can get addicted to.
  21. I really like your journal. You express so much energy and optimism. Also i liked the word cockblocker lol. Never heard that before.
  22. Hello everyone =) i want to introduce myself. Its been 4 days now i decided to change my life. I have been into playing games since i was 19. My boyfriend back then introduced me to Unreal and Half Life. And omg i loved them. I still do. I never had a problem with gaming until the year 2012. I played from time to time, sometimes a whole evening but that was that. I only played single player games apart from a bit MW2. In 2012 the bullshit started. I was preparing for my final university law exam. I was scared af of this exam cause it was a hell to learn and i was preparing such a long time for it that i was simply afraid to fail. As a distraction from my fear i started playing an online Multiplayer Shooter again, which i already installed 2011 but never really liked cause i was bad at it. I made my law exam. After it i was kinda burned out and depressed. Instead of getting my shit together i started playing this game even more. I joined a clan and there the trouble began. I spend more time with those people than with my own friends and even my boyfriend. The relationship broke apart and i moved to another city to do the 2nd part of the law education you need to do in my country to become a lawyer. So now i was alone in a city 800 km away from my friends and family. I was heartbroken. And it was just so easy to play this silly game. I had a lot of online friends but only a few in real life, cause i didnt really felt the need to get to know new people. Back then i aleady had days where i played 15 hrs+. Cause of gaming being more important than studying i finshed my 2nd exam with not really a good grade. I could have done so much better. Last year my father died unexpected. The only thing i did was staying at home and play. I didnt cry. I didnt talk to anybody about it. I have never before felt so lonely in my entire life. Still not a reason to change anything right =). So i went on playing. Developed a depression. When i didnt play i thought about suicide. The only comfort i had was sitting in front of this screen, playing the same maps day in day out. Now already 18 hrs. I didnt feel pain. I didnt felt sleepy. So fucked up. 3 months ago i got a job i really like. Again very far from home. So it meant that for an unspecific time i would have to leave my PC where it was and live at the city where the job is until i find an appartment. And what did i do instead of searching a damn appartment? I constantly thought of quitting this damn job to go home to play this fucking silly shitty game!!! 4 days ago i was thinking about this whole shit again and i came to the conclusion that this cant be true. How stupid am I? So i left my clan. I didnt expected it being that hard. I began to read a lot of stuff about gaming addiction. And it brought me here. It feels good to see iam not the only one who struggles with things like this. Due to the job i didnt play for 26 days now. But since i decided to quit entirely i cant think of anything else !! I really hope i get the motivation and strength i need to do this. I so hope this is only a mater of this one game i was binge playing so much and not of all games. But reading stories i think it maybe is not. Thanks for reading.