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Daniel

90 Days Detox

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I totally relate about sleep factor. It might become like "I am too tired and can't fall asleep so I'll just kill some time until I can"

Had some moments like this one of weekends this month. 

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Day #27

(Warning Trigger alert)

Last night before going to sleep, I remembered a youtube video I saw a long time ago. It was a video about one of the videogames I was addicted. The video showed a female streamer playing in the same team of a pro player. During the video the streamer is killed along with another teammate. The pro player is last man standing of the streamer team. The pro player tries to disengage to avoid being killed but proceeds to 1vs3 the opposite team. The streamer is excited at the pro player mechanics and can't believe what she witnessed. The pro player used one of the characters I enjoyed playing. I will avoid elaborating on the character the pro player used but it brought memories of when I used to play. It gave me a slight craving for games. I had no trouble falling asleep. 

I feel a bit stressed about my diet. I will try to start measuring my meals. My closet is getting cleaned today as I am getting rid of any excess of clothing, I am only keeping what I really use, I will store winter clothes and any suit. The rests gets separated into "worth selling" or "throwing away".

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Day #28

It's all good. I have been waking up later than usual, 6:30-7am. Spent some time at Spotify. I want to learn to DJ. I remember sadly during my teenager years I was gaming while some of my friends where learning to DJ, they were doing musical events and playing at local clubs while I was pretending to be an archer in an rpg.

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 I was pretending to be an archer in an rpg.

My ego was hurt by this :D. Maybe because i wanted it to be more than that, but deep inside i know that it was all pretending...

Edited by dahankus

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 (Warning trigger alert, video game image)

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Day #29 (Warning trigger alert, video game image)

Today I googled a female cosplay from a videogame. It was just few minutes but I realized it was a dangerous path. Realizing this I ended doing some introspection about another up game I played. One which I hold no regrets playing. Final Fantasy X. I remember I liked a female character from that game.

ffx_lulu_(1).thumb.png.a3314e5b142ab83b6

(Lulu, my videogame crush. Wasn´t she a cutie?)

I started to wonder what this game had in common with Zelda Majora´s Mask and why I have fond memories of them despise the fact that I have allowed videogames to hinder me so much.

I realized that I was 12-13 years old when I played these games. I guess it was a difficult time in school. I wouldn´t say there were any traumatic experiences but during this stage I reinforced several attitudes. One of them was not trusting other people, another one was I wasn´t very attractive to female girls. During my age of 12-15 there was some sort of collective bullying at my school. Everyone would get bullied now and then, naturally the populars/strongest ones were the least bullied and the unpopulars/weak received the worst treatment, I was close to the last group but not at the bottom. It´s interesting how the behaviour of kids in school is so similar to animal packs.

Now I understand why games were to attractive to me during this time. I missed plenty of parties or social gatherings from 12-17 because I was very insecure. Why go to a party when you can be someone else in a videogame?

There´s another reason why I remember those two games so fondly. At that age my immediate family was still complete and together. I felt safe and loved.

Eventually I had change of attitute at 17. Started working out, reading, actually studying and doing homework, increasing my confidence and dating girls. But that´s another story.

Woah, such a cathartic post.

Edited by Daniel

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 I was pretending to be an archer in an rpg.

My ego was hurt by this :D. Maybe because i wanted it to be more than that, but deep inside i know that it was all pretending...

It´s the truth. One can pretend to obtain a mastery in a videogame (learn to play an instrument, build an empire, fly a spaceship, become a marine).

But when you shut down the console, what is left?

A friend once told he would only buy videogames where he could do things he couldn´t do in real life, being criminal for example (he could be a criminal in real life but come on!)

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Day #30

On my way back home I remembered how badly I wanted the newest Iphones so I could game without any lag at all. Silly me. Each day I feel with more energy. I feel less tolerant to wasting time, specially listening to other people talk. I love the talk I spent alone. I enjoy journaling, I feel is helping me a lot and getting to know myself, understanding the roots of my addiction, and being more aware about myself and my feelings.

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I realized that I was 12-13 years old when I played these games. I guess it was a difficult time in school. I wouldn´t say there were any traumatic experiences but during this stage I reinforced several attitudes. One of them was not trusting other people, another one was I wasn´t very attractive to female girls. ....

Eventually I had change of attitute at 17. Started working out, reading, actually studying and doing homework, increasing my confidence and dating girls. But that´s another story.

Looks like my story. At the age of 17 I graduated from school and got into university with much different atmosphere. I was still afraid of girls but at least there were no bullies. I think difficulties at school made people like us escape into videogames. Well, one's life mostly revolves around school in that age...

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Day #31

Today I was at church and looked down at my legs and remembered a scene from Skyfall I think (Bardem and Craig scene). This taught lead me to think to 007 which lead me to think of Goldeneye the videogame. This lead me to remember where I played for the first time, at my neighbor's house next door. I rememered the cousin of my neighbor taught a flute song called "El carnavalito". I wonder about this chain of taughts. Since I can remember I have had then. Someway, somehow I eventually connect most memories with videogames. I hope that the detox is actually trying to flush this out or maybe it's just my brain asking me to fill it with new, better and more exciting memories. Today I declined going to the cinema with my family. I didn't want to miss a sunday for myself doing my things, writting my agenda for next week.

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Day #32

Went to the gym, made two sales online. One costumber asked to pick up her item tomorrow. DHL was supposed to come to pick up the other item, tthey were supposed to arrive from 15 - 18 hours but I only waited until 17:30. Now I have to deliver it at their office tomorrow, argh. I am fixing the details for the oratory workshop  which will be held on wednesday. Today I went to a workshop for writting a book. I got plenty of ideas to start right away, it was great. 

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Day #33

So far I have two obstacles in my life that I need to deal with. Slowly I have been trying to correct and remove the things that I don´t want in my life. I wonder how long before I face the truth.

Today Reddit got added to Stayfocusd. Instagram soon to follow.

 

Edited by Daniel

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Day #34

Today was my first day of the workshop. I wasn't fully prepared but it was awesome. I had a strange feeling of emptiness in my chest. Good emptiness. I would say it's the opposite feeling to consuming. 13 people went to the workshop. This is gonna be an awesome learning experience. Writting down a schedule is proving to be really useful.

@Reno F Long time no see! Glad to read you!

Indeed, I am back on track. This time my heart is in the detox. I won't be overconfident so I will write every single day until day 90 and then I will set up new goals.

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Day #35

Went to the doctor, made 1 sale, spent most day with my g/f. While I enjoy spending time with her, a date with her is basically spending the whole day with her which makes me feel unproductive.. Sometimes I feel conflicted about this, but I guess once a week is fine,

 

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Day #36

Need to drink more water, I am currently on high protein and is making me thirsty all the time. Funny thing is it seems I eat more than before and I am actually losing weight.
I miss @Mettermrck insights and post I hope everything is going well for him. I feel dissapointed by not finding an AP for nofap but no worries.

I have noticed that my last entries are always about what is going on my life. I think this is key for a succesfuly detox, to make something out of your life and stop being a thread without an objective.

 

Edited by Daniel

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Dude I understand what it feels like to feel unproductive when you hang out with your gf.

Some things I've noticed work well for my relationship in this regard is doing work with my gf. We'll usually go to a coffeeshop together or something and work for a few hours, then take the rest of the day off. This is easiest to do when you have something that you need to accomplish. Maybe try scheduling some time to work together?

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Day #37

Last night I went downtown to play chess over the board. It is fun. However I have decided to stop playing indefinitely. Not even learning to play blindfold is even a goal of mine anymore. During the past years slowly but surely I was getting rid of all my chess material, books, chess boards, chess clocks, etc. Currently I only own one wooden small chessboard and a nice travel set with a missing pawn. Probably the only way I see myself next to a chessboard is by being a chess teacher or instructor, other than that I will simply avoid chess. I will however make a couple of speeches related to my experiences with chess or about chess itself and the metaphor of life.

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