My Journal, by Zane

[Laney]

Hey @Zane, I ran across your journal while browsing during lunch today, How have you been doing on replacing gaming with healthy things? (working out, socializing, school, dating, any other hobbies). Last I read you were struggling with making progress there and you felt very lonely/not inspired. It would be nice to hear how things are going and chat about them.

Loneliness to me has always been a feeling that grows as I feed it, and lessens as I don't pay attention to it + focus on other things. Say, if I listen to music that reminds me of my past relationships, or I romanticize too much my previous relationship and get nostalgic. That lowers my mood and encourages my loneliness to appear. A page or two ago you said something about how you had both beauty and a cool personality in your ex, but, reading earlier in your journal I find this quote:

"...rather than build my own dreams I adopted hers. I am glad that I am now taking responsibility for my own dreams." -Zane, June 2015

This is something that I think is important. You have substance. You have morals and ethics and dreams that are passionate and unique to you. I was and am still carried away by the people I date. I tend to date passionate confident people who inspire me, and many of them detach eventually because I become too similar to be interested in. I aim to be someone who can inspire my partner just as much as they inspire me. It's a work in progress.

You were deeply carried away in that relationship and you stopped growing while she continued and you, in a sense, worshiped her for it. It's not healthy to have a relationship like that, and I hope you can start noticing the signs of 'losing yourself' in others over time. I am stoked you made this GQ decision and are trying to grow and focus on yourself! I think that's exactly what you need and you have a lot of potential to utilize your empathy for others in beneficial ways. (Have you thought of volunteering?? Helping other's is SUCH a great feeling and a good outlet for lonely feelings and a big magnet for positive-proud vibes)

You are soooo creative, your white board and decorations in your room are stylish and show care for color, placement and visual aesthetics. Finding a hobby and habits that can include this in your life would be a great step for your school habits!! I recommend the planner I use for school, The Passion Planner I added pictures of others instagrams of it below. I have a full set of different highlighter colors and use them for different things, (orange for class, red for assignments and finals, blue for social, purple for appointments, green for exercise, pink for homework taime) And even if you don't highlight, the writing space and visualization of your whole day and week in time slots is amazingly helpful.

[Zane]

Hi everyone, I got a lot to cover, lets get to it

I'm a little shocked that 2016 is halfway over. This year has been the most unproductive, unsuccessful, year of my life, so far. And it's really shocking that it's over halfway done.

I met Cam almost two months ago at a coffee shop in San Francisco. I drove there from San Jose. Cam welcomed me and gave me an hour of his time. We chatted about a few things, like Donald Trump, haha. And he gave me lots of good advice. I promised him I would write on the forums again, since it had been so long since my last post. That was two months ago. In the last two months I went on the greatest gaming binge of my life. See, I used to live with my Aunt and cousins in San Jose, however they moved, and I didn't know where to go, so I rented a room in San Jose. In the first week, it was somewhat fun and exciting. Now, I finally would be more of an adult, living on my own, with no supervision, and more freedom. I felt inspired to quit video games and turn around my life for the better. Instead, I hopped on my computer and played strategy games for nearly two months, almost nonstop. This time, it was bad. Piles of food, soda, and beer bottles littered my floor. Ants marched into my room and I hardly cared, Each day I hopped on for another day long session of Age of Empires. I played versus the best players in the world and held my own, and it felt good, and I wanted to beat them. I made friends with streamers and watched my games vs them from their point of view before going to bed, and watched to learn my mistakes, and be entertained. I lost 20 pounds, weighing just 109 lbs as of two weeks ago. When I visited family last weekend they told me I looked starved.

See, I was supposed to find a job right away to pay for my living. But I was so uninspired to do that. I couldn't even get started on an application, kept telling myself I'll do it tomorrow, today I enjoy life. And when you are skyping with friends and drinking beer and having a bad ass time, why not take just one more day? My bank account ran out, and I had no food, so I ended up mixing protein powder with carbs and powder vegetables and water (essentially, my weight training drink ingredients), and eating almonds for a balanced diet. Funny thing is, I had everything my body needed in that diet, but of course it was disgusting and frighteningly stupid that I still wasn't getting a job. Feeling the pressure, I finally put in time to fill out applications, even though my mind was on video games constantly during the whole process. I had to ask my mom to help me with rent, without sharing the true details of my situation.

Anyway, just over a week ago, I interviewed at Starbucks and got hired on the spot (I nailed my interview). Around that time I was feeling burnt out from playing my game, after playing nonstop since October 2015. Today, I finished my second day on the job, and already, everything has changed. I enjoy everything about this new job. It's fun, its challenging, its social. It already fulfills some needs that previously could only be filled by video games. Now, I feel inspired again, for the first time in a long time. I have new goals/ am in the progress of developing new goals. I don't desire to play the game anymore, although I still have been playing Halo on my pc for a couple hours each night.

Throughout this whole time, of course, I have been battling with myself internally. I've wanted to achieve a balance with gaming in my life, not wanting to let go of it entirely. This is partially because my experience in quitting games cold turkey last year was a disaster, where I was left depressed and overwhelmed with anxiety, after seeing almost no growth or progress a month after quitting the games.

So guys, I'm back, although most of you wont recognize me, since the forum has grown so much in my absence. I'm very proud of Cam for building this community, and grateful that it still sands, for me to return and embrace you all once more. I plan to post regularly again. Love you all. OUT

Edited July 21, 2016 by Zane

[WorkInProgress]

Hey congratulations on your job! Sounds like you goen through a harsh time. I will read your journal if I find the time. So far best of luck to you and I hope that you can take this last year as experience and don't grieve to much over it.

[Piotr]

It's good that you're fighting. Willing to change life for better is admirable thing in my eyes. You've got our support but most important, you've got strength to quit gaming! We've all been in hard times of our lives, and many of us not only survived these times but changed them for better. Adversity helps you grow and in time, you will see that this was only "motivating kick" although it seems so hard.

Greetings, Piotr.

[Cam Adair]

Zane was one of the first three members on the forum! 

[Reno F]

What can I say? Respect!