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Mettermrck

Bob's Journey

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On 12/30/2018 at 1:27 AM, Mettermrck said:

 

Day 0/367

Well, I'm back....defeated but not giving up. The past year or more has been agony for me. My divorce was finalized early in 2018. I lost a full time job in June due to absenteeism. I was out of work for 5 months, barely scraping by on my Mom's limited income. Somehow I managed, with the help of my state's vocational rehabilitation program, to get another good full-time job. And I lost that in 5 weeks...due to absenteeism. So I'm back on the scraping limited income.

I was already struggling when my 90 day detox completed in Sept 2017. I was already slackening in my diet. When the 90 days was up, the gaming itch was already there, just waiting for me to let my guard down. Boy, did I ever. And boy, did gaming come back into my life.

To make a long story short, I've spent the last 15 months with my head in the clouds, trying to recapture the magic of those 3 months when I was off soda and gaming and transforming my life. Only, I tried to do it by holding on to my addictions in moderation, or at the very least, hold on to one addiction as a crutch while I quit the other. Gaming was usually the crutch. This never worked. I never felt at ease with either habit in my life and could never sustain a balance, despite the best laid plans. I tuned the world out and barely functioned while I played mental tug of war.

After losing my latest job a couple of weeks ago, I had to take a hard look and get past my rationalizations and self-deceptions. It was not easy. I felt like I was begging..."take the soda but please let me keep the gaming!" And it never worked. In my stubbornness, I kept trying.

Finally, this morning, I was playing Mass Effect Andromeda on my brand new gaming laptop. I should've felt wonderful playing such a gorgeous looking game on a powerful computer. But I didn't. I felt empty inside.

I realize now that my addictions are symbiotic. Gaming fills the time and helps me escape reality...soda provides the fuel for my escape rocket. They both have to go. The old saw I've spoken of before, that I just want to play the historical strategy games, has proven false. That only keeps the door open and I return to the RPGs for my binges. No more.

I've missed this community and now return in due humility. My plan is to just go ahead and do a year's detox for 2019 (actually 367 days beginning tomorrow), picking up the pieces along the way.

I think this time I'm going to make it. I don't think I will underestimate the power of my addictions again. It's good to be back. I'm already beginning to breathe free again.

I wish you all the best my friend!!

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Hi my friend! Onlysoul here. I'm surprised that you have that much struggle in life. But I understand. My life is pretty mess too but finally I got fulltime job as auxiliary technician. When i was active on this forum and write my journal and do things that i know that are important I was happier person. After I got a new job my life is one big stereotype. Wake up, go to work, came home and then internet, videgames and food. We must change this nonsense. I got much free money and I was pretty excited to try Xbox360 and PS4. I fall again in this fucking pit of sadness, repetetive actions and shame. I like you Bob and i know your journey from your forum diary. I know you are good person who want to change and be better. I'm sorry it did not work with your wife. I have one q: You started your history podcast? Be strong my friend!

LM: I'm still noob in English 😄

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Hi Bob!

After reading how your 2018 was, the following quote comes to mind - "The best time to plant a tree was 18 years ago, the next best time is now."

The best thing I can say is learn from this experience! History is doomed to repeat itself if we don't learn from it.

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@Mettermrck Hello Bob! I'm new here. My name is Lea.

I have looked at snippets of your journey. After I read the last entry of yours, I feel bad about how you tried to stick with your commitment to not act out your addictions, especially gaming, but failed in the end. I don't know what to say, but if you need any tips or advice, you can PM me. I know I am young, but I'll try my best to help you get over them.

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How is the detox going Bob?
What I don't like about this AA type of idea is that you get a chip, reward, acknowledgment after you've been clean for a certain amount of time. But if you make one mistake, you have to give them away. Just because you wen't back to gaming, that doesn't mean that you haven't accomplished anything. You've changed your life for a while. Not it's time to get back on track. Don't fall into feeling sorry for yourself, like I did, and continue with gaming because of the anger, guilt or whatever. Thinking of you and sending you love!

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Hi @Mettermrck - I followed your story even though I wasn't on the forums anymore when you were active. - I empathize with the great progress you made and the pain of backsliding.

I hope you can find it in yourself to continue making positive steps. If you ever need someone to bounce ideas off, feel free to reach out. Cheers.

Edited by Simms

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