sirjk Posted December 14, 2016 Posted December 14, 2016 Hello everyone, this will be my new journal, and hopefully will be my last. I relapsed at around 80 days in my 90-day goal. That "just have one game" and "you're close enough" turned into 20 days of avoidance, tired 24/7, waking up at midday, major depression, and anxiety. I'm not getting any enjoyment anymore, even playing video games bores me but somehow I am convincing myself to play the most I can. I did this to myself, I thought I had the willpower to only play a little, only 1-2 hours a day. I was very wrong. I've played today but tomorrow will be my first day. My first day to be free again. I can't thank Cam enough for Game Quitters
Piotr Posted December 14, 2016 Posted December 14, 2016 Hey! Good to have you here. Surely you will nail 90 days detox this time! Just keep fighting.
sirjk Posted December 15, 2016 Author Posted December 15, 2016 Hey everyone, I went through my first day smoothly, actually passed out at 6 pm and woke up at 8 am. The rings around my eyes are fading again, and I feel more aware. But, from experience, the lack of instant dopamine might kick in tomorrow or the next day. Hopefully, it isn't as intense as it was when I first did this. All I need to do is drive somewhere when this happens, it helped 95% of the time.What I did with my time that would've been wasted by video gamesWent and spent 5-6 hours hanging with friendsRewatched a few episodes of LostDrove around and looked at the beautiful nightDidn't feel pissed off because I was out doing things
dandielionous Posted December 15, 2016 Posted December 15, 2016 Welcome back. I am glad you came back. My recovery is dependent on your recovery. I could quit by myself but it's wicked hard. So each person who comes to Game Quitters helps in my recovery.I have been sitting here thinking about the fact that if/when I have more time that I want to stay around Game Quitters. It's good for noobs to see people with long term recovery. This is such a new area there just aren't people sitting here with fifty years in the program. So in a way we're all part of the focus beta group. Yes recovery programs have been around but I need the understanding of a fellow gamer.Best Luck! I hope the best for you
Piotr Posted December 16, 2016 Posted December 16, 2016 I would say that going out of house is best trigger fighter. Remember to spend your time on something productive!
Cam Adair Posted December 17, 2016 Posted December 17, 2016 But, from experience, the lack of instant dopamine might kick in tomorrow or the next day. Hopefully, it isn't as intense as it was when I first did this.Whatever comes up, comes up, and you can hang in there. It will pass!
sirjk Posted July 17, 2017 Author Posted July 17, 2017 (edited) It's like I am scared to quit, it feels like video games are the only thing in my life. And to be honest, ever since I finished school, it is 80% of my life. I've quit before, 2 months and around 3 weeks back in 2016. I'm sitting here, reviewing hltv professional csgo matches, watching demos so I can improve on my own games. My biggest weakness is, unfortunately, my biggest strength. I seek improvement on everything but that leads me to tunnel vision; I forget everything to focus on one thing. I love other things: movies, reading and sometimes writing. But, recently I just couldn't care about it. I just want to rank up, and I am so close, two more ranks and I hit the highest rank, Global Elite. But why do I care so much about this shit? It has no purpose, but somehow I convince myself, I will feel better when I achieve it. Maybe it's bragging rights, maybe I just don't care about life anymore. Maybe it's all of them together. I'm always lost in thought, I don't know what I think anymore and it dosesn't help I second guess everything. I'm 20 now, finally moved out 2 months ago into my brothers' house. I thought things would change, and it did for a while. I found a job but it was a catalyst of how I feel right now. My boss said I was really invested in trying to get work there and he was excited for me to work with him but the department of health and safety denied me as I was over weight. I'm not sad because I was denied but failing sucks, especially you know it's your own fault. I am supposed to seek work right now, and it feels like I've given up. It's been a month since that, I don't know what else to do. Edited July 17, 2017 by sirjk
Mettermrck Posted July 17, 2017 Posted July 17, 2017 Gaming was the last addictive habit I let go of in my life. I was scared...it was like cutting the last string and floating into the void. I'm still not sure where I'll end up, but starting with small positive changes that will accelerate, it'll be an exciting journey. Hang in there...
Tom2 Posted July 18, 2017 Posted July 18, 2017 Welcome back. It's ok to make mistakes. Hang in there. We're here to help each other.
sirjk Posted July 18, 2017 Author Posted July 18, 2017 Thanks everyone for their kinds words and wisdom! Day 1: It's slowly kicking in that I haven't gamed for 24 hours. I haven't stopped moving today, woke up at 8 am, new 2017 record for me. Went and saw Baby Driver with mates, had lunch and chilled with them for a few hours, then went to my dads for dinner. Just came home, now slowly I'm getting a little restless; I might go and watch the movie Mama or something to keep my brain away from extreme boredom. These few days are the hardest, and it dosen't help I haven't told anyone I'm attempting this again. I think there will be an okay time to do it. Telling people that you have a gaming addiction is probably as worse than saying your deepest secrets to be honest with you. At least for me. Thanks guys, it is good to be back!
Mettermrck Posted July 18, 2017 Posted July 18, 2017 I found it something of a relief that I had an addiction. Then I didn't feel so bad about being unable to moderate my behavior. It looks like you have a strong social network to help keep you busy and off games.
Tom2 Posted July 18, 2017 Posted July 18, 2017 In my case, game addiction was not the major cause of my messed-up life so I told some of my close friends and family about this. It was ok. They understood what my status is, and sometimes they gave me some advices. Tell your close ones when you feel comfortable. The first day seems to went well. Keep it up!
sirjk Posted July 20, 2017 Author Posted July 20, 2017 Day 2: Unproductive day, really didn't do much. Subconsciously opened gaming forums and Youtube videos about Counter Strike. Consciously I realised and closed them down 10 minutes later. I had an appointment at 3.30pm to receive tax I was too lazy to do last year, and after that, pretty much came home and helped my brother with dinner and watched Game of Thrones with him and his girlfriend so they would catch up to season 7.Day 3: Worst day so far, ignored phone calls and didn't do what I planned. I feel quite dejected about it. I woke up at 11 am, mainly because I was watching DirectTV all night, I haven't been eating correctly and drinking very minimal water. Pathetic of me, I just, "couldn't be arsed". This behaviour is very unhealthy, and it's one of the things I hate about myself. Now, it's too late to ring the unemployment agencies today, which I've been "trying" to do this for months. It's tough to lie, and ironically I'm someone who rarely lies, I've been lying to my family for years, but I'm scared to work. I've said every excuse another the sun or just plain lied I searched or how many actual resumes I've given out. One of the reasons why I'm starting Game Quitters again. But when I write this, it sounds like an excuse. I swear this is all I do. I wish I could just rewind time, or just disappear like I never existed. I have no fucking idea what happened between the end of my high school graduation to now. Every day just feels like a repeat. And soon, I swear I'll be 50 years old with no friends and only distant family. Because all I care about is avoiding. I don't fucking know, going to have a shower now
Tom2 Posted July 20, 2017 Posted July 20, 2017 Hang in there, we all have to face our own problems. You know it, right? If the things you have to do seem too many, just try to do something small part of them. Every single day.
Mettermrck Posted July 20, 2017 Posted July 20, 2017 You're not avoiding. The very fact that you're writing your journal is a sign of your commitment to be different. The changes may be small at first, but if you just take it day by day and don't try to see too far in the future, you can do wonders with your life. I'm 41 and I still feel scared and alone. But I know I'm changing and I just hold on to that, one 24 hour span after another.
sirjk Posted July 21, 2017 Author Posted July 21, 2017 (edited) You're not avoiding. The very fact that you're writing your journal is a sign of your commitment to be different. The changes may be small at first, but if you just take it day by day and don't try to see too far in the future, you can do wonders with your life. I'm 41 and I still feel scared and alone. But I know I'm changing and I just hold on to that, one 24 hour span after another.I've done this before; I got through 2 months and three weeks of no gaming. First week or two, I was playing now and then, and a friend of the family fell into sickness and boom, I was playing Counter Strike again, 8 hours a day seven days a week. I felt a bit down about it yesterday, regret I should say. I feel a lot better today. From experience, I do fall into depression; my guess gaming suppresses it, maybe it's one of the reasons why I game. Last time I attempted this, I didn't have anything to replace gaming with. I was thinking about playing Chess. I am not good at, but it would be an excellent replacement for competitive video games. Edited July 21, 2017 by sirjk
sirjk Posted July 21, 2017 Author Posted July 21, 2017 Day 4: a new day! It was a bit lazy, but at least I did what I wanted to do. I got a meeting Monday so I can get some money while I start looking for work. I'm a bit stress about money; I have an Internet bill due, I decided to offer my Steam account on a Marketplace @ a gaming forum for some money as it has a high rank on it. I think it's a good start to move on from Counter Strike. I've avoided all eSports aspects, disable monthly streamer donations, and begun to learn to code C again as I couldn't get into it last time. I've noticed my replies on a popular IT forum have been a bit disrespectful since I've quit. I'm not usually like that, but it's happening so I need to be conscious before I press "send" in the future.I found a cool documentary about the Rapa Nui people on Easter Island and how they overcame movings the heads of Moai. Even though the ending of their civilisation is somewhat a mystery, the dedication and time to produce hundreds of Moai around the island for the name of their god, status or territories. Maybe one of the fascinating cultures I've ever seen. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mH0sIjAHBVY
Mettermrck Posted July 21, 2017 Posted July 21, 2017 Sounds like you made some nice progress. I'm glad you're feeling better! I sometimes like to watch documentaries too. They pass the time and you learn something. Hang in there!
sirjk Posted July 22, 2017 Author Posted July 22, 2017 Day 5 a bit bored today, I thought it would be a good idea to watch the Japanese film, Battle Royale. Don't get me wrong, the movie was excellent but the only reason why I watched it was it was the central concept of an online game I played. I swear my sub-conscious is trying to trick my mind to gather the missing instant gratification to stimulate fun. I currently have some cravings because of this. It's okay; I have no way to play computer games as I'm at my dads' looking after our dog while they're on holiday for the night. I'm a bit proud that of nearly a week without video games.Even though I'm having constant thoughts about, "Man, are you seriously just going to give video games up?" "All those times you enjoyed playing, was that for nothing?" Just a lot of second guessing is running through my head. My goal is to quit forever. But, it's unrealistic just to say that. One week at a time feels more comfortable. I feel better already!
Mettermrck Posted July 22, 2017 Posted July 22, 2017 That's the best way to do it. One week at a time, one day at a time. Don't think about "forever", a massive block of time.
sirjk Posted July 23, 2017 Author Posted July 23, 2017 (edited) Day #6Time I woke up: 9:30amTime I went to sleep yesterday: 1:20amWhat did I eat/drink?Breakfast: Simplee cup noodles and coffee (3coffee and 2sugar)Snaks: 1 small cookieLunch: Dagwood dog, a pork sausage on w hite breadSnacks: 1 coffee (1coffee 2sugar) Dinner: 5 fish fingers, 1/3 of 10 minute pasta. Snacks: 1-2 homebrew wild turkey glasses w. cokeOpen journelI noticed a few people here have a template to help them through their journey of quitting video games. I think it's a good idea as it helps to track down what your bad habits are and improve on them. When I was writing this, I noticed my eating habit today was dismal. I think a template would be useful because it makes me aware of my failures, and I would like to have a better sleeping pattern ;p my open journal will be like my past post. I like to write my feelings; I don't let them out usually by talking to people IRL. I stayed at my dad's house last night to look after Tank, a 14-year-old Staffordshire Bull Terrier. When I moved out to my brothers, we thought it would be a good idea to leave Tank at my dads to decrease stress for him as Tank has a few heart complications. Dad and his gf went to a motel for the night. Wat ched videos on how to convert hexadecimal and binary into base10. Mainly because I'm learning C. Long story short, the guy I was watching on Youtube who was teaching C had a dark history and died in prison in 2014. I honestly don't know how to feel about it since I was watching this guy for days. Amazing teacher and I learned a lot from him; it's just one of those awkward things in life you know. Should I keep watching him because logically he's a good teacher, or stop watching him because of morals? Now I feel sad again. I might stop writing tonight. It's a sick world; I wish it were different. Edited July 23, 2017 by sirjk
Mettermrck Posted July 23, 2017 Posted July 23, 2017 Hey, sirjk, I imagine that's awkward about your C teacher. I guess that depends on how much it bothers you and affects your ability to learn. Do you feel that the teacher turned himself around while in prison? You always have the option to find a different teacher.Nice journal template btw. I don't eat well myself but the dagwood dog sounds pretty good. ?
sirjk Posted July 23, 2017 Author Posted July 23, 2017 (edited) Hey, sirjk, I imagine that's awkward about your C teacher. I guess that depends on how much it bothers you and affects your ability to learn. Do you feel that the teacher turned himself around while in prison? You always have the option to find a different teacher.Nice journal template btw. I don't eat well myself but the dagwood dog sounds pretty good. ?Thanks, Mettermrck for the reply! Dagwood dogs can be good once in a while :3 I think it's the shock factor right now, and it sounds pretty dumb as this guy was some random dude on Youtube. I feel angry at a guy I didn't even know existed 3 days ago, I think it's stupid but what ever. Anyways, a few skilled C programmers were suggesting this guy. I watched many tutorials, and none of them goes into great depth and understanding into C. I don't think he turned himself around in prison, as his death was self-inflicted one year into his sentence. What he did was first degree, and it feels that judging by his personality that he planned it before he committed that particular crime. This crime took place over an eight month period, watching these videos knowing what was happening at that time is heartbreaking. I think he deserves where ever he went Edited July 23, 2017 by sirjk
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